Family, Friends & Fellow Officers Remember...

Hey hon. Been thinking so much lately about you and how quickly the past 2 ½ years have flown by. I can’t believe it sometimes. Some days it still feels like yesterday. Some days it feels like a life-time ago. I was checking several other fallen officer’s pages the other day. I check certain ones once-in-awhile to see how their widows and children are doing. One I check is Officer Jesse Sollman (EOW 3-25-05, Easton Police Department). When I read his widow Carin’s reflections, I sometimes feel like I am looking in the mirror. She has such a way with words. She expresses exactly how I am feeling sometimes. It is kind of scary, but she makes me feel like I am not alone, nor that am I going crazy! As I was reading her reflections, I found this one in particular, dated 12-25-08, that expresses exactly how I have been feeling for almost 2 ½ years. I don’t think she would mind that I “borrowed” it. I have not been fortunate enough to meet her – yet. She had reached out to me before the trial to offer support and a place to stay if we needed it. Fortunately, we didn’t need that place to stay, but I will never forget her kind offer. She seems like such a wonderful person and I am looking forward to one day meeting her. Anyway, this is what she wrote:


A Pair of Shoes---

I am wearing a pair of shoes
They are ugly shoes
Uncomfortable shoes
I hate my shoes
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step
Yet I continue to wear them
I get funny looks wearing these shoes, they are looks of sympathy, and I can feel and tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable
To truly understand these shoes, you must walk in them
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes
There are many pairs in this world
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try to walk in them.
Some have learned to walk in them, that they don't ache as much
Some have worn these shoes so long that days will go before they think about how much they hurt
No woman deserves to wear these shoes
Yet, because of these shoes some day I may become a stronger woman
These shoes have continually given me strength to face the next day
They have made me who I am now
I will forever walk in these shoes of a woman who has lost her husband......Anonymous.


I have found how much people like to look at me (and other women like me) and judge how we have handled our situations. People think if we take any steps to try to move on with our lives that we are betraying your memory - that we didn't love you or that we somehow weren't devoted to you. But you and the people close to me know that you are always right below the surface of my being - it's hard to explain how I function day to day and yet you are on my mind constantly. People who don’t really know me or know what it’s like to be widowed so young don’t understand that trying to move on isn’t about not loving you and still wanting you here, or about forgetting you – trying to move on is the only choice I have because you aren’t coming back. Finding happiness again doesn’t erase the darkness, your memory is a shadow of heaviness that follows me every where I go, but our lives didn’t end the day you died (nor should they!) and I finally have come to accept and believe that I do deserve to be happy again. I remember reading a reflection on another officer’s site left by his widow after she had remarried and she talked so eloquently about the blending of her past and her future and how by marrying again she wasn’t leaving her past behind – she was taking it with her and that he would always be a part of their lives. That is how I feel too, Jes – you will always be a part of our lives. The only response I have for anyone who would pass judgment on me for wanting to move on and be happy is that I hope you never have to walk in my shoes – they are terrible, ugly, painful shoes and I wouldn’t wish them on anyone.


___________________


I couldn’t have said it any better. There are a lot of things/changes that are going to be going on in 2009 and I know I will be judged beyond belief – like I have been for the past 2 ½ years - by some. I am always trying to learn from what I have been through. I have learned that what I have been through in the past 2 ½ years has only made me stronger. Another thing, and probably the most important, is that I have learned that what matters most to me (besides the boys) is that those people who have stood by me and supported me in the past 2 ½ years (and haven’t talked shit or judged) are the people whose opinion are the only ones that really, truly matter in the end!!

Hon - you always did tell me to stop worrying about what other people think! I’m really trying. I thank you for the strength to go on and to say the things that I have wanted to say for so long. I am who I am today because of you and what I have been through. I know, that you know, that I love you and miss you terribly. You are and always will be forever in my heart and soul. Please continue to keep watching over us and giving us strength. We need it. Until next time . . .

Love forever,

Trish


P.S. I hope I haven’t offended anyone. I’m not trying to. Nor am I directing this to anyone in particular. I just am hoping that people will read this and learn not to judge - anyone. If I have offended you – then perhaps you need to do some reflecting. For those of you who have stood by me and offered me a kind word, support, or anything else – thank you so much. It means more than you will ever know.

Trish Wertz
Loving Widow

February 9, 2009

Just wanted to say.....

Hi Scott,
It's been a long time, but you are thought about all the time.
AND
To Trish,
Love You, Mean It......Lisa

Lisa Fronina
Friend

February 8, 2009

IT SEEMS JUST LIKE YESTERDAY YOU ME AND CHUCK WERE DOWN IN FLORIDA, HOW THINGS HAVE CHANGED IN SUCH A SHORT TIME. I JUST WANTED YOU TO KNOW THAT NOT A DAY GOSE BY WHERE I DONT THINK ABOUT YOU AND YOUR FAMILY.

YOUR FRIEND

JOHN

JOHN CARRASQUILLO
RPD FRIEND

January 24, 2009

Dear Scott,

I'm quite the novice at this, so you'll have to bear with me, but after reading your little boy's most recent message to you I felt compelled to say a little something. :-)

I guess for starters I'd like to simply say thank you. Thank you for the dedication and devotion you exhibited towards making our communities safer places to live. I've heard so many wonderful things about you and your beautiful family, and it pains me deeply that you were taken away from them so soon. It just doesn't seem fair.

Although you're no longer here with us in the physical sense, it is very comforting and reassuring to know that you're still looking over and caring for your loved-ones, as I'm certain that gives them the strength and courage to move forward each and every day without you.

I know you’ve made your presence quite apparent to Dustin lately, and I can honestly can tell you Scott, that he treasures those precious moments unlike anything he’s ever experienced. Thank you for keeping him safe and sound...but most importantly for letting him know that you’re still very much alive in spirit, and your love for him and the rest of your family will remain forever...

Keep up the good work, and know you’ll always be in our prayers.


Warmest Regards,

KGC

KCG
Daughter of former, and sister of future Police Officer

January 16, 2009

I visited the spot where your name is carved into the National Law Enforcement Officers Memorial in Washington, DC. It's the first time I've been there since Mike's name was carved there. I wish your names were closer--at least on the same wall. It would be more comforting, somehow.

It made me very sad to see your name. I'm so sorry your family has to live through this loss.

Denise L. Wise
Widow, Michael H. Wise, II EOW 6/5/04

January 13, 2009

Dad,I wish you were here i love scholl in 4 grade i have Mr.Smith he is coolyou would be proud of me


Love...Josh

Josh Wertz
son of Scott Wertz

January 9, 2009

Say Scott ~

The time of concern is over. No longer am I asked how I am doing. Never is the name of my husband mentioned to me. A curtain descends. The moment has passed. A life slips from frequent recall. There are exceptions...close and comforting friends, sensitive and loving family. For most, the drama is over. The spotlight is off. Applause is silent. But for me, the play will never end. The effects on me are timeless. Say Scott to me.

On the stage of my life, he has been both lead and supporting actor. Do not tiptoe around the greatest event of my life. Love does not die. His name is written on my life. The sound of his voice replays within my mind. You feel he is dead. I feel he is of the dead and still lives. You say he was my husband, I say he is. Say Scott to me and say Scott again.

It hurts to bury his memory in silence. What he was in the flesh has now turned to ash. What he is in spirit, stirs within me always. He is of my past, but he is part of my present. He is my hope for the future. You say not to remind me. How little you understand I cannot forget. I WOULD NOT IF I COULD. I forgive you, because you cannot know. I strive to not judge you, for yesterday I was like you.

I do not ask you to walk this road. The ascent is steep and the burden heavy. I walk it not by choice. I would rather walk it with him in the flesh. I am what I have to be. What I have lost you cannot feel. What I have gained you cannot see. Say Scott, for he is alive in me.

He and I will meet again, though in many ways we have never parted. He and his life play light songs on my mind, sunrises and sunsets on my dreams. He is real and he is shadow. He was and he is.

He is my ever present hope and I love him as I always did.

Say Scott to me and say Scott again.


Found this on another Officers page, and wanted to share it with you.

Bethlehem PD Wife

Anonymous

January 2, 2009

Happy New Year Hon. 2009 marks one more year without you . .

Love forever,

Trish

Trish Wertz
Loving Widow

January 1, 2009

Hello #2 son

Just wanted to stop by and wish you a Happy New Year and thank you for being with Dusty at Christmas..At least he was not there by himself since he couldn't be with us or we with him. I just wish that it could be like it was a couple of years ago and we were all together for the holidays and the guessing games. One of these days I will just have to face the fact that it is never going to happen.

Love and miss you

Barb
mother-in-law

December 31, 2008

E-A-G-L-E-S! fly baby fly. I love it, and Giada is learning what it is like to be an Eagles/Philadelphia sports fan this year. First the Phils, (thanks to a little help from you I like to think) And now maybe the birds can go all the way. The Giants were in this same boat last year....
How bad can it be for Romo, right, he gets to go home to Jessica...lol

Talk to ya later.

Brooke Mish
Friend

December 31, 2008

Yooooooooo Scotty!!!!!
Hey bud, well we made it through another Christmas....I am sure it was hard again on everyone and for me it was just another day over here. I did get to make a few phone calls to everyone....
Thanks for stopping by to say hello last night again..... you never disappoint..... 4 times in 5 minutes is pretty impressive... I'll take your showings as a yes when I ask you a question cause last night you were 4 for 4..... Just wish we could be shooting the shit on the phone or in person....Keep watching over the boys and Trish, I know it has been a rough holiday season again....
Love ya Bro,

Dustin
brother-in-law BPD Maryland

December 30, 2008

Hey hon. Thank god you were not here tonight to see the Cowboys play the Eagles - OMG!! I was so embarrassed!! Anyway, I heard this song the other day and finally found the lyrics to it. I can't help but cry when I listen to it. It reminds me of how I feel every day. It is by Diamond Rio and it is called, "One More Day". (If only I did have (at least) 1 more day with you). This is for you:

Last night I had a crazy dream
A wish was granted just for me,
It could be for anything
I didn't ask for money
Or a mansion in Malibu
I simply wished, for one more day with you

One more day
One more time
One more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again
I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you

First thing I'd do, is pray for time to crawl
Then I'd unplug the telephone
And keep the TV off
I'd hold you every second
Say a million I love you's
That's what I'd do. With one more day with you

One more day
One more time
One more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again
I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you

One more day
One more time
One more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again
I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still, for one more day
Leave me wishing still for one more day
Leave me wishing still for one more day with you

One more day
One more day

Love you now, always, and forever!!

Love forever,

Trish

Trish Wertz
Loving Widow

December 28, 2008

I dont know what happened tonight. The cowboys are a major dissapointment. Izzy took the kids to the game, and I am so glad I did not go. I had to turn it off for a little while, and when I turned it back on about a hour later, they still only had 3 points!!! This is one you would not want to see. Unbelievable!!!

sister
Michele

December 28, 2008

Hey,

Just stopped by to say Merry Christmas....Wish you were here for your family. They miss you so much.

Sending Love Back....Lisa

Lisa Fronina
Friend

December 25, 2008

Merry Christmas Wertz and Schappell Families!

Jennifer Aaron

December 25, 2008

Merry Christmas Hon. Heard this song tonight and it really sums up how I feel right now. It is sung by Mariah Carey. It is called, "Miss You Most (At Christmas Time)).

The fire is burning
The room's all aglow
Outside the December wind blows
Away in the distance the carolers sing in the snow
Everybody's laughing
The world is celebrating
And everyone's so happy
Except for me tonight

Because I miss you
Most at Christmas time
And I can't get you
Get you off my mind
Every other season comes along
And I'm all right
But then I miss you, most at Christmas time

I gaze out the window
This cold winter's night
At all of the twinkling lights
Alone in the darkness
Remembering when you were mine
Everybody's smiling
The whole world is rejoicing
And everyone's embracing
Except for you and I

Baby I miss you
Most at Christmas time
And I can't get you
Get you off my mind
Every other season comes along
And I'm all right
But then I miss you, most at Christmas time

In the springtime those memories start to fade
With the April rain
Through the summer days
Till autumn's leaves are gone
I get by without you
Till the snow begins to fall

And then I miss you
Most at Christmas time
And I can't get you
Get you off my mind
Every other season comes along
And I'm all right...
But then I miss you, most at Christmas time


For the last 2 days I have been going through pictures and trying to organize them - UGH!!! It is so hard. I look at your beautiful face and can't help but want to cry uncontrollably. I've taken some and made copies to give to others. It might be one of the few pictures they have with you. Soooooooo many great memories. (Too bad there won't be any more)!! It is so hard to look at them and not be terribly sad. However, I will cling to those great memories to get me through!!

I had to tell Josh about Santa. He had his doubts and he asked me to tell him the truth. As much as I didn't want to tell him, how could I not when he said that! So, no more having to hide the presents or staying up until 2:00 in the morning on Christmas Eve wrapping!!

We watched your favorite Christmas movie last night. I held it together but it was hard. I could picture you sitting there holding Josh and enjoying the movie over and over!

I will visit part of you today. It will be hard, like every other time. But, Christmas is one of the hardest! (Too bad I have to visit a cemetary instead of having you here in person to share Christmas with us)!! Well, keep looking down on us and giving us strength. Oh, and have a few beers up there to celebrate the birth of Jesus! I love and miss you terribly!!

Love forever,

Trish

Trish Wertz
Loving Widow

December 24, 2008

Merry Christmas, that is the saying they say this time of the year, but to me it is not merry since you are no longer here to share it with us. It just still does not seem real. I wish I could wake up and someone tell me it was just a dream, but it is a nightmare. There are days when it is just so hard. I can't imagine what Trish must be going through, when I know how we feel. Please be with her and the boys at this time. She will need all the strength she can get to get through the holidays.

Thanks for being with Dusty and keeping him under your wing and looking out for him. It makes me feel so good when he tell me you stopped by.

I do want to with you a Merry Christmas. I am going to miss the guessing games since you will not be here and Dusty is out of the country, so I guess Jared is going to take the place of you guys.

A precious one from us has gone
A voice we loved is still
A place is vacant in our home
Which never can be filled
You will not be forgotten
Though on earth you are no more
But in our memory you are with us
As you always were before
Our lives go on without you
But nothing is the same
We have to hide our heartaches
When someone speaks your name
Sad are the hearts that love you
Silent the tears that fall
Living our hearts without you
Is the hardest part of all
Your heart was kind and true
And when we needed someone, we could always count on you
The special years will not return when we were all together
But with the love within our hearts, you will walk with us forever.

We miss and love you

Barb
Mother-in-law

December 24, 2008

Hey Scotty,

I've been thinking of you and wanted to stop by to say Merry Christmas! We miss you. Lots of hugs and kisses!!!!

Veronica Jenkins
Friend

December 24, 2008

Hey Hon. I was strongly reminded again tonight what it is like to be a single parent and not have you here. It simply sucks. Having to do this on my own sometimes is just overwhelming and so frustrating. It puts me in a mood and then I am pissed off at the world because you are not here. I try so hard to keep it together. But sometimes I just want to scream!! Plus, you know how much I hate asking people for help! I wish so bad you were here to help me with the boys, see what they have become, teach them right from wrong, and show them all the manly things that I obviously can't!

Christmas is fast approaching and it is just another reminder that you are not here. I would love to just go to some warm tropical island and skip right on over the holidays. If is wasn't for the boys, I probably would. I hate the whole "from" part of the gift tag!! It is yet one more reminder, again, that you are not here. However, I will continue to put from mom and dad on their packages because if it wasn't for you, we wouldn't be where we are!! Christmas, like everything else, just isn't the same. I can just picure you sitting there half awake while the kids open their presents. Now, it's just me - half awake!!

Thank you for showing me to follow my heart and helping me make the decision that is best for me, and especially the boys. I worry so much about the future and what it holds for me/us. I know you are always with me/us, but not knowing what it holds is driving me crazy. I always felt so secure with you and I thought we had it all figured out. Then that was all shot to hell and now I have no idea!! But, I will continue to take it day by day and be the best mom I can be for the boys and for you!

In the mean time, I will continue to miss you terribly. And just know, I would give anything to have you here!! I love you - always and forever!!!

Love forever,

Trish

Trish Wertz
Loving Widow

December 20, 2008

Hi Scott,

Its Christmas time again, its really not fair that you arent here with all of us, especially with Trish and your boys.
So the cowgirls will be comin to Philly next week. I am confident at this point the birds are gonna send em packin...what a strange season its been.

Bye for now Wertzy.

Brooke Mish
Friend

December 19, 2008

Hi Scott,

Sorry it's been so long, where does time go. Barry was taking me somewhere last week and as we were driving by the cemetary I said, you know, I never made it to visit and see the stone Trish had put in. He asked if I wanted to stop and I said yes. He turned around and I know how much he hates going.....tears him up inside but he said to me.....I come to talk to him! I was compelled to clean your stone like it's supposed to stay clean automatically......no? It's you, don't they know that!! That's something Barry would say! As he said good-bye to you it tore me up and I could feel you there for him. Take care and I know everyone's missing you at this time of year.

Cathy Rambo
Friend

December 17, 2008

Hey Hon. Thanksgiving came and went. Just like every other day. We had a great time in Dallas (would have been better if you were there). Thanks to you, Barry, and his crew. My mom told me about this song by Faith Hill. It's called There You'll Be. It's from the movie Pearl Harbor. It is so fitting for how I feel. So, I dedicate this to you:

When I think back
On these times
And the dreams
We left behind
I'll be glad 'cause
I was blessed to get
To have you in my life
When I look back
On these days
I'll look and see your face
You were right there for me

In my dreams
I'll always see you soar
Above the sky
In my heart
There will always be a place
For you for all my life
I'll keep a part
Of you with me
And everywhere I am
There you'll be
And everywhere I am
There you'll be

Well you showed me
How it feels
To feel the sky
Within my reach
And I always
Will remember all
The strength you
Gave to me
Your love made me
Make it through
Oh, I owe so much to you
You were right there for me

In my dreams
I'll always see you soar
Above the sky
In my heart
There will always be a place
For you for all my life
I'll keep a part
Of you with me
And everywhere I am
There you'll be
And everywhere I am
There you'll be

'Cause I always saw in you
My light, my strength
And I want to thank you
Now for all the ways
You were right there for me
You were right there for me
For always

In my dreams
I'll always see you soar
Above the sky
In my heart
There will always be a place
For you for all my life
I'll keep a part
Of you with me
And everywhere I am
There you'll be
And everywhere I am
There you'll be
There you'll be

I miss you terribly and I love you now and forever.

Love forever,

Trish

Trish Wertz
Loving Widow

December 7, 2008

Hey Scotty,
Just wanted to say thanks for stopping by again tonight... The sky was so bright with stars and dark with the small moon. When I walked out of the hooch and at that same moment looked up, there you were shooting across the sky again... Glad to know you are up there looking out. Keep stopping by,I really enjoy your visits... Miss ya lots man and thinking of better times at the holidays and our guessing game at Christmas.....

Dustin
Brother-in-law

December 4, 2008

I never got to see you on the holidays. Besides the famous "christmas party" and the quick exchange of gifts at christmas, I really didnt get to spend time with you. I wish I could turn back time and I would have made sure to find a way for us to all get together.

I found a video of you a little while back. It was one year at christmas you, trish & the boys came to visit. When I saw you, and heard your voice, my heart went into my stomach. It had been so long since I have seen you or heard your voice. I played it over & over. I sometimes sneak when no one is around & watch it. I cried until I couldnt cry anymore. I dont know why I do it to myself. It is really all I have left of you, besides my memories. I dont think I will ever understand why you were taken away. Why it had to be you. You loved & enjoyed your life so much. It will never make sense to me.

You have missed so much since your gone. Nicholas is getting so big. He is great at sports. He is just a natural. His last baseball game of the season, he made all three outs. The winning catch, and all of the kids carried him across the field. What an amazing feeling that must of been for him. It was for me. His true love is football.He is fast, and man can he throw. We play out back, and I dont know how much longer I will be able to take his passes. He reminds me a lot of you. He HATES to lose. When the kids aren't doing what there suppose to, he gets mad. Wow Scott, I wish you could be here to see him. You would be so proud.He still talks about you a lot. He takes things to school to show the class, and talks about you. He is proud that your his uncle. I wish he would of had you longer. I will definitely make sure he never forgets you.

He is a real good boy. He got all A's on his report card again. So far, so good. He loves the girls. Already!!

My dreams of you are so vivid. I get so mad when I wake up and realize that I was just dreaming. It seems so real. I am almost done with my classes at RACC. I have one more to go and that is chemistry. Imagine that, me, a nurse?

I know you remember how much I love riding motorcycles. Remember those days? 155mph with our hair on fire! Boy, do I miss those days!I know you never went quite that fast, but I have. So do me a favor? Keep on riding,and enjoy that fresh ocean air for me. okay? Even though I am not a Harley kind of girl, I will be expecting a ride when we see eachother again someday.

One last thing, can you ask pop why he was showing me his coin & stamp collection?

Give everyone my love.
Love you and miss you always.

michele
sister

November 30, 2008

Hey Scott

I know I was just here the other day, but something very sad happened on Thanksgiving Day....Amber Hart's son passed away. His name was Joshua and he was only 5 months old and he had many struggles in his short life, but we were all hoping for the best. Please send Amber and Travis and the rest of their family the strength they will need to get through this tragic time and the services next week....Id appreciate it. I never got to see him in person, but Jenna showed me photos and he was really a sweet little baby....please watch over him.....THANKS!

Cathleeeeeen

Cathy Hertzog
Friend/Neighbor

November 29, 2008