Family, Friends & Fellow Officers Remember...

Jes ~

It doesn't seem possible that you've been gone for 17 months. I sometimes think about things that have happened and can't remember if you were here for them or not. I never thought I'd be marking events in our lives with "before or after Jesse died". It still sometimes doesn't seem real.

But it is real. Believe me I know that, and the kids know it. It's in our face every day in so many ways. In a way the second year is harder than the first because just getting through everything those first 12 months was so hard, but now that everything is coming around for a second time it just emphasizes that you really are gone forever. Time, and life, will just continue on without you. It still makes me so angry.

The next few months hold so many special memories for us - all the birthdays and anniversarys and, of course, the holidays. It's going to be rough.

I had lunch yesterday with "H". He still laughs at the stories of you riding the four wheeler over to his house during the blizzard, looking for some homemade chocolate "pourta" He's got a fresh batch of oatmeal stout you'd really love. I love to hear the stories other people have about you - everyone's got a dozen and most of them are hysterical.

We miss you every minute of every day, Jesse. I love you. We love you. Always and forever.

~ Carin, Savannah and Jacob

August 25, 2006

Hey Jes ~

Jacob just came in to sleep with me.....he has occasional night terrors. Not as bad as Savannah did, but still awful when they happen. I remember when Savannah was little and having them almost every night - we didn't know what to do or how to help her. It was so scary and frustrating.

Now Jacob is having them and you aren't here to help me. Or him.

He is so precious, Jes. It breaks my heart that you aren't here for him. Once he's in my bed he curls up into a little ball and sleeps so soundly - he's warm and his head smells so good and he doesn't move all night. He would break your heart.

Sometimes Savannah wakes up and wants to sleep with me, too. But she snores and makes noise and moves around so much I don't get any sleep with her - she is your daughter, Jes. I call her little Jesse (which makes her laugh) because she is so much like you.

Well, it's late.....I just wanted to drop in and tell you how much we miss you. I'm doing my best without you here, Jes.

We love you. Always and forever. Always and forever......
~ Carin, Savannah and Jacob

August 21, 2006

Carin, Savannah & Jacob,

We just wanted you all to know that you are in our hearts & prayers. We regret that we never knew Jesse in person; however, we know he was a great husband, father and police officer, just from the way you speak of him, Carin. We are always here for you whenever you need a shoulder to lean upon. Take care of eachother and know that you are loved by many.

Love,

Chris and Sue Doughty (Childhood Friends of Carin)

August 20, 2006

To Carin and kids:
We in Reading, PA just went thru the tragedy of losing Officer Scott Wertz, and I have recently read the reflections of your wonderful husband. It breaks my heart, and it is wonderful to see that you are on here, and you check this site often, and even leave your own letters to Jesse. You break my heart, and I wish I could fix this pain for you. You are a wonderful wife and mother, and I am sure Jesse would be VERY proud of you! I think about you and your family often, even though I do not know you. You will forever be in my heart and prayers and your husband will always be a TRUE HERO!
God Bless you all - I hope Jesse is watching over you and keeping you safe and strong!
Love,
Amanda from Reading PA

August 17, 2006

I wanted to take a moment to say thank you to everyone who comes to this site, to read about Jesse or to leave a reflection. I check the site daily, and am always happy to see a new entry.....it is a comfort to know that people are still thinking of Jesse, me and the kids. I truly appreciate all of your support, kind words, thoughts, prayers and warm wishes. It means so much.

~ Carin

August 16, 2006

Carin...I haven't heard from you in a while...I just wanted you to know that I am here for you for whatever you need...I think about you and the kids all the time...in the beginning so many people told me it would get better....I realize now it never really does get better...the waves come farther apart, but when they come it feels like it did 17 months ago...but we are strong...we are strong for our children...for our heros...and for ourselves...we will survive....we will never forget the emptiness in our hearts and in our souls, but we can begin to fill that emptiness with the good memories....the laughter...the love...be strong my friend.. I am right there with you.. all my love, Chrissy

August 16, 2006

Carin-
I am so sorry to just learn about Jesse... it has been years and years since we last saw each other... but I remember his kind and warm qualities. He was working in a job that he LOVED... I think few of us ever really find that satisfaction.
I remember or trips to Maine and all of the laughs we had...
My best to you and your children...
Fondly,
Heath P. Boice-Pardee

Heath P. Boice
friend... long ago

August 16, 2006

Carin,
Thank you for your reflection to Trooper Scott Lyons memorial page and your message to both Barb and me about her cross country bike ride. We have walked in your shoes, and even though our pain is different, it is still the same hurt that draws us together. I read Jesse's messages, and could tell immediately he is loved and missed by a lot of people, especially you and your children.
You, too, will have the same courage and strength as we have. It may be tomorrow, the next day, or week or month or year. But it will return. It has taken us nearly 9 years to reach some of the high points emotionally that we have gained. But it never goes away, as you well know.
Barb and our daughter Melissa were also able to participate in the Police Unity Tour this year, riding bicycles from New Jersey to the Memorial in DC for Police Memorial Week. We are going to participate agin next year in the Unity Tour; we will add Jesse's name to our list of those we personally ride for.
Our most sincere condolences for your loss and the loss to the community of Easton. I spent 29 years as an Oregon State Trooper and met a lot of really good officers throuhout my career. I wish I had met Jesse. I'm sure he would have been at the top of the list.
Stay strong and God bless you and the kids. Jesse and all his new friends are watching down over you.

Bill & Barb Lyons, parents
Trooper Scott Lyons, Oregon State Police, EOW 9/2/97

Bill & Barb Lyons
survivors

July 30, 2006

Carin

I love to come on here and soak up your strength. I was on another site when people wrote all those horrible things and it made me so mad. I haven't lost my Husband like you lost Jesse but I have lost him to post traumatic stress brought on by years of unresolved feelings b/c his department did NOTHING to help him. My David was the Officer that a suicidal woman jumped in front of on rte 145 over 10 yrs ago. He was on his way to a domestic call lights and sirens. She had tried to jump in front of several people before David. He never saw her. It was supposed to be his night off. She was severed in two. The lawsuit was a nightmare but he won. His department was horrible to him and never got him the help he needed even though they saw things were wrong. Then they denied him a disability. I totally understand how you feel havng to fight these people that should be taking care of Jesse, yourself and your children! I am very much like you. I have told David I will never stop in my quest for justice for what they did to him.

Carin, when it feels like too much, look at your children and keep fighting. I know you feel like you are in a storm. I feel that way all the time. You are lucky to have Jesse's brothers on your side. Whitehall is not like that. They all backstab from the administration to the cops themselves. Not all but some.

I did come to Jesse's funeral. I remember you sitting there as if you could not believe what was going on. I guess at that point I was kind of glad David was out of Police work. Maybe all that happened was God telling him to get out before it was to late.

All I know is when he sees pics of himself as a cop or looks at his duty belt he cries. He loved being a cop and they took it all away.

Stay strong

Christine

Christine Gilbert
Wife of disabled Officer David L Gilbert

July 22, 2006

I miss you, Jesse. I think about you all the time and wish you were here with us. I feel like I'm in the middle of a storm and I can't see which way to go. I wish you would guide me.

I love you, Jes. Always and forever...
Carin

July 21, 2006

Happy Father's Day, Jes.
We miss you every minute.
Life without you is so hard.

Always and Forever,
Carin, Savannah and Jacob

June 18, 2006

It is with great sadness that I read about the loss of my friend. I've known Jesse since Public school here in queens NY, in school he was always the caring friendly one.
then by some strange chance we ran into each other at cub scout camp one summer in NJ. Jesse and I also attended the same High school, this year (2006) is our 20th reunion of which we will pay tribute to a man of character. A man of valor, a caring boy that I knew who grew into a Caring man.

I've since moved to Los Angeles and his death is felt from coast to coast.

I'm sure Jesse is patroling the gates of Heaven.

Rudy Barrow

Rudy Barrow
long time friend

June 14, 2006

Hey Jess,
I haven't posted on here in awhile. I have just been thinking about you. Lot's of changing going on at EPD, all for the best, of course. One thing missing though, you. I miss you Jesse. I can't believe I haven't seen or talked to you over a year. I wish you could be a part of all that is happening at the Dept., you would be so excited like everyone else. But I know you are there. Well I just wanted to say hi & that I miss you so much. You will always hold a special place in my heart.
Love you always,
Your friend Staci

June 7, 2006

Carin...not a day goes by that I don't think of you and your beautiful babies...I see the strength within you...I am so glad you are my friend....and you are right, our hearts are forever joined! From one survivor to another, I love you! Talk to you soon...always, chrissy

June 5, 2006

Jesse,
Happy Memorial Day! Keith and I just returned from the cemetary, your headstone is beautiful. What upsets us the most is time ran out before we could get to know you even better. You did leave us with some great memories. Carin is doing a wonderful job of keeping your memory alive for Savannah & Jacob. As Savannah ran around in the yard yesterday it was like watching you. Her mannerisms are identical to you. We love and miss you every day and will continue to do our best of taking care of your beautiful family. Love you, Joy

Joy Bennett
Friend

May 29, 2006

Jes,

I got the new Dixie Chicks CD the other day. There is a song on it that I think will be my personal mantra for the next year:

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I'm not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I'm still waiting.
I'm through with doubt
There's nothing left for me to figure out
I've paid a price
And I'll keep paying.......

I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
I'm still mad as hell and
I don't have time to go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
I'm still mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is you think I should.

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I'm not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I'm still waiting..........

City Council finally decided not to pay your funeral bill (actually, they decided it over 14 months ago, it just took them this long to make it official). Nick and Charlie worked so hard to try to get them to do the right thing, but I knew from the beginning they wouldn't pay it. People either have integrity or they don't.

I made a promise to you that I wouldn't rest until there was accountability for your death. I want to say it again - I feel a renewed strength and resolve, Jes. I have the right people on my side and - as much as people want to ignore the truth and hide from responsibility - I will not rest until there is JUSTICE, I don't care how long it takes.

Charlie was telling me the other night stories about what a good street cop you were - how professional and squared away you were. About what a good field training officer you were and how you could always handle a situation. That you were solid and dependable. You took such pride in your job, I know how much you loved it - but I also hope you know how much the guys loved and respected you. How they looked up to you and wanted to be like you. You'd get such a kick out of knowing that.

You are missed every minute of every day, Jes. Please be with us. We love you. Always and forever.....

~ Carin, Savannah and Jacob

May 25, 2006

Hey Jes ~

I spent hours today trying to find room for all your plaques and awards. The walls of the computer room are full.

You loved this room. I have a picture of you when it was just being framed out, looking out of the big window.....you couldn't wait for it to be done.

It is so unfair that you aren't here. You worked so hard for this house and for everything that we have, you should be here to enjoy it all.

Nights without you are so lonely, Jes. The absence of your voice is deafening.

I really hate being alone.

I miss you. I love you. Always and forever.
~ Carin

May 19, 2006

Jes ~

The kids and I spent the weekend in DC for National Police Week. What an amazing 4 days. Amazing. I have always been proud to be your wife but this weekend really solidified it for me. You were a wonderful man, Jesse. You had honor and integrity and I know how lucky I was to be married to you. I hope you know how proud I am of you, of all you have done and of all that you were. You are a true hero, Jes, and I will always keep your memory alive for Savannah and Jacob. They will always know you, of the kind of man you were and the things you believed in. We will never let you be forgotten.

Seeing your name on the Memorial Wall for the first time was really difficult - I wasn't prepared for the flood of emotions.....but I also know how humbled and honored you would be to know that your name is etched there, forever immortalized on the Roll Call of Heroes. The Memorial was so beautiful - I regret that you and I never visited there together - I know you would have loved it and would have been as moved as I was. Each end of the wall has an etching and is flanked by large stone lions, symbols of strength and courage. It's breathtaking.

The Candlelight vigil was just beautiful. Thousands of people and uniformed officers holding their lit candles in the air, in honor of you and all the others who made the ultimate sacrifice.....I am unable to put into words the way it made me feel. Dianne and Brian came with the boys and somehow managed to find your name.....she said they walked and walked and finally decided to just stop where they were. Brian turned to a uniformed officer to ask if, by any chance, he might know how to find your name on the wall and would you believe the officer was Nicky? They had stopped right by your name. Devine intervention, I am sure. Artie also came down; he loves and misses you so much, Jes.

The kids had a great time, too. Savannah went to the Fairfax Police Academy and the FBI Academy at Quantico. She had such a good time, Jes. You know your daughter - she loves to go places and meet people and have fun. She enjoyed every minute. And Jacob, in typical Jacob style, had fun in spite of himself.

Monday was the Memorial Service. Where do I even begin......it was beautiful, Jes. Simply beautiful. I finally feel like you were honored - finally, after 14 very long months. Your service and sacrifice were honored. The kids and I, along with your dad, put the flower on the wreath for you. Your valor and courage were acknowledged and honored. Many of your brothers were there to salute you, to show you the respect that you deserved. I'm so glad they all came and I am grateful to each and every one of them for their support.

And as for me.....I met the most wonderful women. Women whose lives have been forever changed just as mine has. Women who are walking the same path as me, traveling the same painful journey. Women struggling with loss and memories and emotions the same way I am. Women whose hearts are forever linked with mine. I hope you've met their husbands, because I think you would like them very much. I think you and Drew would enjoy a few beers together.......I hope you have all found each other!

As we were leaving DC last night I decided that I would like to make Police Week an annual event for me and the kids. Something we do in your memory, in your honor. It was then that the reality of it all hit me - there will be another 150 or more families there next year, all new first year survivors. And again the year after that, and the year after that. We just don't know who they are yet. But every year new names will be forever etched on the Wall and more families will grieve the loss of their officer, more children will be left without a father and more wives without their husbands (and husbands without their wives). More parents losing their children. More officers losing a brother or sister. It goes on and on......it's so important to continue to honor and remember those who have gone before us. For in remembering, we ensure that they are never forgotten.

YOU WILL NEVER BE FORGOTTEN.

A past survivor said this weekend that when the strength inside you becomes stronger than the pain inflicted upon you, you stop being a victim and you become a survivor. I am a survivor, Jes, and I know you would be proud.

I love you. I miss you. You will be with us always. Always and forever. Always and forever......

~ Carin

May 16, 2006

Carin!! I am so glad we were able to connet this weekend!! I hope we can spend sometime together in the future! I etched Jesse name to have with my etchings of Drew...I am so proud and I know you are too!! Much love, Chrissy

May 16, 2006

Jesse,

I wasn't part of your life anymore,
Only your past,
I'm sorry for that.
We were toddlers together,
And teenagers too,
Those years, so long ago,
I cherish those times,
I cherish the photos.
You went into the military then,
And I hardly got to see you again,
Although in my heart,
You were always my friend.
Thanks for the memories.

Love,
Marcella Rodriguez
Los Angeles, California

May 15, 2006

Carin:

I read your reflection on Mike's page and cried. I'm so glad you were touched by my speech in Harrisburg. It was difficult but I wanted to be there for the surviving families. Seeing you, Savannah and Jake put Jesse's flower on the wreath broke my heart and I cried. It reminded me of myself last year. I was sitting where you were and felt like my world was crashing in around me. It still does feel that way. I am miserable without Mike. I read the poem you wrote to your husband and would like to put it on Mike's site. I get the feeling from that poem that you and Jesse were close and that you loved him very much. My husband and I were very close, too. Our marriage got better as time went by. Now those years are done and my marriage is gone. He is gone. You know how I feel. Let's contact each other and lean on each other as friends would do during a rough time. Bless you, your family and your children.

Denise Wise, widow
Michael H. Wise, II, EOW 6/5/04

May 11, 2006

Carin, my friend...I know your pain...I know your suffering...I feel your pain and I suffer with you...I am thinking of you today and always...see you soon in DC...with pride and tears we will endure this week...much love always, Chrissy

May 8, 2006

Jesse,
This year has changed him so much. I still see the pain in his eyes everytime there is an article in the paper or something on the news. You have touched so many hearts. Everybody has a story about you. How funny you were. How brave you were. He will be there to honor you in DC. Of course he will... You were his brother, His partner, His friend. You are greatly missed. God Bless You Carin, Savannah, and, Jacob. You are in our prayers.

Jasmine Weber
Wife of an easton officer

May 6, 2006

I think of your wife and children often. I pray for them as I do other survivors every morning noon and night of my life. Mrs. Sollman, please know that a prayer goes out to you everytime I kiss the man I love goodbye and send him out there to protect his community. I'm so sorry for your loss. Please know that NONE of us will let Jesse be forgotten. God be with you and your babies... those precious babies. I only wish it were easier to articulate to children the beauty, strength, and sacrifice of those they have lost. Through God alone are things like this even remotely possible... God bless you.

Praying always,
LEO Fiancee and friend of Peter Grignon EOW 3/23/05
Louisville, KY

May 5, 2006

We will be in Washington with honor and respect to hear your name read.

Linda Rittenhouse, Matt's Mom
Matthew Rittenhouse EOW 9/16/04

Linda Rittenhouse

May 4, 2006