Family, Friends & Fellow Officers Remember...

Carin,
Your words are so incredibly inspiring and so heartfelt. I have been drawn back to this website because of you and your husband. This site is a stern reminder of how to treat my spouse...a firm reminder that you never know when "the call" will come. It could've been me on the other end of the phone that day. Your loss reminds me every day to be the best I can be, the happiest I can be, and the most loving wife I can be. I treat every day and every conversation as the last. I am so sorry this happened to your family. My heart aches for you. Much love to you and the kids.
BPD wife

November 2, 2006

Happy Anniversary, Jes. I really miss you. The past few days have been really hard - I feel so sad. No matter what I say or what I do, I can't get you back. You are gone. In an instant you were just gone and took with you all our plans and hopes and dreams. It still just doesn't seem possible - how could this happen to you? How could this happen to us?

We would have been married for 10 years today, yet it seems like just yesterday. Even if I'd known the future, Jes, even if I'd known that I was going to lose you when I did I want you to know that I still would have married you. I wouldn't have given up the years I had with you for anything - we had a great life together and we have 2 beautiful children - I'd do it all again without hesitation.

I replay our last conversation over and over in my head. You called on your lunch break and the last thing you said was "see you later, baby. Love you". You were supposed to bring dinner from Antonio's and watch American Idol with me that night. I had no idea I was never going to see you, or talk to you, or feel the warmth of your touch again. I had no idea how much my life was going to change.

I guess if I knew how things were going to turn out, there is one thing I would have done differently. I would have asked you to take a day off that Friday and stay home with me and the kids.

We miss you, Jes. We love you. Always and Forever.
~ Carin

November 2, 2006

I wanted to take a moment to say thank you to everyone who has been coming on this site and leaving messages of support for me, you have no idea how much I appreciate it. It is such a comfort for me to read your words, to know that people are still thinking of me, Jesse and the kids and that you take the time to tell me. Thank you all so very much. ~ Carin

October 31, 2006

Jesse, YOU will always be remebered!

October 29, 2006

I have never read reflections left on so many sites by a person as amazing as Carin. I have followed your "personal" emails to Drew Henley's daughter and I am amazed at the strength and support you offer (not only to her but to all of us who read what seems to be an intimate personal note). You amaze me and I can see why your husband loved you and your family so much. I commend you for taking the time to leave such personal notes to other widows who are walking in your shoes. I do not know where you find the strength, but I do know that everything (even bad things) happen for a reason. You are making something good come out of this horrible tragedy via your postings. All of us who never new your husband, let alone where Easton, PA, is; leave this site with a true sense of your many years together. I know he must be so proud of you for reaching out to other family members who have also lost their loves in such tragic circumstances. Too many times, once the official pomp and circumstance is completed, we forget how hard things like holidays, birthdays, and special events are. We expect those to be hard, but you have made it clear it isn't just the Christmas or the Anniversary, it is the loss of your partner, your BEST FRIEND and the only other person in the world who would be just as amazed at your children's accomplishments (riding a bike, school grades).You are so eloquent in your words and remind us that every moment is precious. I admire you for writing to the new families who never wanted to see their loved one on this web-site. I lost four friends (line of duty) and two others to suicide while I was on the job. I am especially touched by your communication with Officer Drew Henley's daughter! You are an angel on earth, and I believe your husband continues to give you strength to mentor these individuals and bring healing. Nobody is saying it will get better, but I wish for you to heal and continue the mission you have begun with your heartfelt posts, not only on your husband's site, but with the other newly deceased officers. Your husband, Officer Sollman, was not the only hero in the family, it seems that you were his partner in MANY ways. I will pray for you and your children and hope to meet you in DC this May. Good luck as the winter begins and you will be in my prayers every day.

Maureen
Former Norfolk, VA, Police Officer II

October 28, 2006

Carin...thinking of you today, and always...still fighting to be strong....thanks for being there for my girl....she finally found an outlet for her emotion....I think it's too hard for her to share it with me....thanks for being my friend..love, me

October 27, 2006

Carin,
I read the reflection you left for Laurie Ballard, it was so beautiful and inspirational. My husband was killed almost 10 months ago, some days are easier than others. The nights I think are the hardest. I guess we think it's never going to happen to our husbands. I'll never understand why bad things happen to good people.

Diana May wife of Rich May
East Palo Alto Ca. EOW 1/7/06

October 27, 2006

Carin,
My husband is a police officer for the City of Bethlehem. I never knew that this site existed, until one day ( many months ago) I saw him browsing an unfamiliar web page. He explained to me that every day he reads the names of officers killed in the line of duty at roll call. He left for work that day, and I sat and explored ...for what seemed hours...and read so many of the entries on Jesse's page. Many tissues and tears later... I have been so incredibly affected by all of the wonderful things on this site. I want you to know that Jesse is not forgotten, nor is the sacrifice your entire family has made. Finding this site has made me completely re-evaluate what life is all about. I hug my husband so much tighter, and look at my children in the eyes so much more. It is a cold hard reality of being a cops wife...a single moment can change all of our lives...as it did to your and so many others. Please know how much you and your children are thought of. You are a true inspiration. God Bless you and your children, and may Jesse continue to rest in peace.

BPD wife

October 27, 2006

You are strong, you and the kids perservered through a year and 7 months and can keep on making it! I read your posts still every now and then after you had given me support on Kyle's reflections. For us, we will be going on 8 months. I am handicapped without Kyle and I know we need everyone's prayers and good thoughts. Thank you Carin.

Laurie Ballard, wife of Kyle Ballard
Pasadena PD, EOW 2-24-06

October 24, 2006

Carin
It never fails. I come on to read your posts to Jesse all the time and end up in tears! I am sorry about your dog Finn and the mcall.com idiots. You know what I mean. Keep on, keepin' on. You are doing the right thing and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Thanks for all the great posts. I think you help alot of us realize things about life that we take for granted like the Bethlehem Officer below said. Don't ever stop. :)

Christine Gilbert
Wife of disabled LEO David Gilbert

October 21, 2006

Hey Jes,

I cleaned the computer room today - this was your favorite room in the house. It's full of your plaques and awards, most of which you never got to see. Most of the time it's comforting to be in here, but sometimes (like today) it's very hard. I really miss you, Jes. Today is Sunday and if you were here you'd have both TV's on, watching 2 different football games on your feet the whole time going back and forth between rooms. We miss you being here with us.

We love you, Jes. Always and forever.
~ Carin

October 15, 2006

Life ain't always beautiful
Sometimes it's just plain hard
Life can knock you down, it can break your heart.

Life ain't always beautiful
You think you're on your way
And it's just a dead end road at the end of the day.

But the struggle makes you stronger
And the changes make you wise
And happiness has it's own way of taking it's sweet time.

No life ain't always beautiful
Tears will fall sometimes
Life ain't always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride.

Life ain't always beautiful
Some days I miss your smile
I get tired of walkin all these lonely miles.

And I wish for just one minute
I could see your pretty face
Guess I can dream, but life don't work that way.

But the struggles make me stronger
And the changes make me wise
And happiness has it's own way of taking it's sweet time.

No life ain't always beautiful
But I know I'll be fine
Hey life ain't always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride.
What a beautiful ride.

I wish every day that I could see your smile. I miss you and love you. Always and forever, Jes.

~ Carin

October 7, 2006

Hey Carin..it was so good to hear from you today...I think about you all the time...it's so good to know that someone really gets it....although they try, it's impossible for them to really get what we are going through...I wish you weren't so far away....I wish we could sit and talk for hours...and cry....I miss having someone to cry with...Drew was always that person I could always count on to let me be me....I treasure you as my sister...in blue, pink or what ever color you like...lol...continue to be strong for you and me...and I will continue to hold up my end for both of us too...love you girl! Chrissy

October 4, 2006

Hey Jess,
I just had to write because we were laughing our butts off today talking about you. We were talking about the time there was a mouse in our office & Missy & Carmie were so scared & me & Gladys were like "leave that poor mouse alone". You ended up put the poor thing our of it's misery because it got caught on that sticky tape thing. I was so mad at you. But I guess really you were doing the right thing. We all miss you very much & your name comes up a lot. It's just not the same here without you. But we feel you here. We had a lot of laughs. You were such a good friend & I really miss you.

Love,
Staci

October 2, 2006

Carin,

Thank you so much for writing to me. I read some of your reflections for your husband and we are in the same place emotionally. I know how hard it's been for you over the last year and a half. I'm coming up on a year and a half in October and I still have a hard time believing that Larry's gone. I'm sure you feel the same way about Jesse. I'll never understand why these wonderful men were taken from their wives and children, it just doesn't make sense.

I'll be thinking about you and your children and of course your husband.

Jo Ann Lasater
Wife of Officer Larry Lasater EOW 4/24/05

October 2, 2006

I just want to leave and entry for you Carin and let you know that everytime I got out with the guys someone still drops Jesse's name... and someone pulls out the coin and has one for him... It hurts my heart to know that people misuse this site and do not honor the spirit of the blue. God Bless!

local officers girlfriend

October 1, 2006

Hey Jes ~

We spent the other day with Art and Tra; they told me about Holly's dream and just so you know, I am listening.

The past several months have been rough for me. I've made some difficult decisions but in hindsight I realize that I've made the right choices. I've learned alot about myself and other people and what motivates them and who you can and can't trust. You always told me that if anything ever happened to you, the list of people I could count on would be very short - and you were right. But you were also right about who was on that list; you were a good judge of character, Jes, and you knew the people who would stick with me.

I've also learned that the person I should be depending on most is myself - I have to learn to trust my instincts.

I find a lot of comfort in writing to you here; I go on other officer's sites and read reflections left by their widows - their experiences and feelings and emotions are so similar to mine - I don't feel so alone. A few months back I discovered that mean-spirited people were reading my words and using them for other purposes, so I stayed away for a while. But I've learned that other widows have gone through the same thing and we just have to ignore people who don't understand.

This is a very long and difficult journey, Jes. I didn't ask for any of this to happen - this is what was given to me and I am doing my best. But you already know that.

We love you, Jes. Always and forever.
~ Carin, Savannah and Jacob

September 29, 2006

Jesse,

Hey brother, I was sorting photos today and ran across the ones from our training here in Delaware. I was wondering if you were planning to hijack the helicopter that day! It seems like yesterday that we were laughing, joking and planning our next venture. I can't believe it has been 18 months since this tragedy and rest assured you have not been forgotten.

I read the reflections from Carin and know how much she cares for you and I know that your children will grow up as strong and tenacious as you because of her. I check back here often and read the reflections left by your family and friends. You touched the lives of many people and for that gained the respect and friendship of us all. I miss you brother, but I know you are looking down on us every time we go through a door. We'll meet again someday and swap war stories one more time and for the most part they will be true!

Brothers in arms forever...

Al

Sgt. Al Parton
Delaware State Police

September 28, 2006

Jes ~

18 months today. You've been gone 18 months today. I don't know how that is possible, I don't know how a year and a half could have passed without you here. You have missed so much, Jesse. You've missed all of first grade for Savannah, you've missed two dance recitals and countless softball and soccer games. You've missed Jacob learning how to swim (like a fish!), graduating preschool and getting so very tall.

I try not to let myself feel the sadness so much, but it's there in my heart all the time. And the anger is also there - anger for how unfair it all is, anger that you deserved so much more. So much more.

We miss you Jesse. Every minute of every day we miss you and wish you were here.

We love you, Jes. Always and forever.
~ Carin, Savannah and Jacob

September 25, 2006

Hey Jes,

Today is 9/11, the day the terrorists destroyed the World Trade Center - I can't believe it's been 5 years. I remember where I was when it happened - standing in line at WaWa getting fruit for Savannah and hearing the clerk talking about it with the customer in line ahead of me. I was so confused, I thought they were talking about a movie or something. What an awful day that was.

But 9/11 holds other meaning for us. Finn died 2 years ago today, taking a nap in the backyard. I remember you coming into the bedroom with the kids, waking me up saying something was wrong with Finny and me saying that he was fine. Just fine. He'd been fine that morning when I got home from work. You already had him tied up outside - it was such a beautiful day, sunny and cool (his favorite weather) - I came home and went right out back to give him fresh water and food. I was so tired I didn't spend much time with him, I just wanted to go to bed.

It was also the day we got the C.O for our house. You said you left to go see Richard and Finn was barking when you pulled out of the driveway - you told him to stop because you were afraid he would wake me up - and when you got home an hour later, he was gone. Just gone. Sleeping under his favorite tree.

I think he didn't want to move. I think he loved that house and the fields and he didn't want to come here with us. Or maybe he wanted to die first so he could wait for you on the Rainbow Bridge. Either way, I'm so glad he is there with you - he was always your dog.

I miss you, Jesse. I'm doing my best here without you and I hope I am making you proud. The kids are getting so big - they are really growing up. Savannah is in second grade and she is so smart. She is so pretty and so funny and so vibrant......she is 100% your daughter which really makes me laugh sometimes. She does things that are so YOU it just amazes me - she doesn't know how to walk softly, she stomps her feet just like you did. Do you remember all the times I asked you if you knew how to tip toe???? You thought that just meant walking slowly and so does Savannah. She makes funny faces and does silly dances and shakes her little bottom just like you. It warms my heart because I know you are always going to be with us.

And Jacob. If you could see him now, Jes. He is so tall and so handsome - he turned into such a big boy so quickly. He is more like me, though. He needs his comfort items; he likes routine and security and things that are familiar. He needs alot of love, warm hugs and kisses and snuggly things - Savannah needs them too but not like him. Maybe the difference is because she had you longer than he did - maybe I need to make up all the loving he would have gotten from you.

We miss you, Jes.

I think about you all the time and wonder what life would be like if you were still here. You SHOULD still be here. It isn't fair that you aren't.

You should be here enjoying all the things you worked so hard for.

I love you, Jes. I will always love you. Always and forever.

~ Carin

September 11, 2006

Son,
Boy are the kids getting bigger every day. They really sprouted up over this past summer. Everyone is going to be here on Sunday for Pizza and a swim, and we really would like to see you floating around in the middle of the pool with that silly look you got on your face when you were having fun with the kids. You made so much fun of the cheap beer I kept in the fridge that I now have a beer fridge that you would be proud of, all good brands, just like you told me to get. I will be over to talk to you this week and tell you everything that's going on, but I know you are watching over us all and already know everything. I just come over to be with you. Boy do we miss you.

Love Dad and Mom

Charles Hentz
Northampton County Sheriffs Department

September 9, 2006

Carin:

I was reading some of your entries to your husband and it made think about my wife and kids. Your writing reminds me not to take may days with them for granted. It is too easy to get wrapped up in daily events and routines, that you forget to stop and really think about and appreciate what you have. I admire your dedication and sacrifice as much as I admire your husbands'. I just wanted to let you know that, even though we've never met, you have effected me deeply. I very much appreciate you for that.

Officer - Bethlehem PD

September 2, 2006

DEAR CARIN AND THE KIDS,
MY HEART GOES OUT TO YOU EVERYDAY,I MEET JESSE THOUGH SOME FRIENDS AND I CAN'T BELEIVE ITS BEEN OVER A YEAR SINCE JESSE HAS LEFT US. I AM SURE HE IS LOOKING OVER YOU
AND YOUR KIDS AND KEEPING THEM SAFE. GOD BLESS YOU AND YOUR FAMILY. KRIS SCHOENENBERGER

KRIS SCHOENENBERGER
FRIEND

August 28, 2006

Isn't it such a shame that when you were here, so many people didn't realize just how wonderful you were. It is so sad it takes a tragedy like this to finally realize that. I always realized that, from the day you came bee-booping into my life. Your life was cut way to short, way to short, but you left such a strong impact on this world that no one will ever forget you. Yeah, the talk has settled down a bit & life does go on, but you will never ever ever going to be forgotten. You are missed by so many & so many still cry for you. Life has changed without you & it's a little more quieter & less fun.

Long time friend of Jesse's

August 27, 2006

Jes ~

It doesn't seem possible that you've been gone for 17 months. I sometimes think about things that have happened and can't remember if you were here for them or not. I never thought I'd be marking events in our lives with "before or after Jesse died". It still sometimes doesn't seem real.

But it is real. Believe me I know that, and the kids know it. It's in our face every day in so many ways. In a way the second year is harder than the first because just getting through everything those first 12 months was so hard, but now that everything is coming around for a second time it just emphasizes that you really are gone forever. Time, and life, will just continue on without you. It still makes me so angry.

The next few months hold so many special memories for us - all the birthdays and anniversarys and, of course, the holidays. It's going to be rough.

I had lunch yesterday with "H". He still laughs at the stories of you riding the four wheeler over to his house during the blizzard, looking for some homemade chocolate "pourta" He's got a fresh batch of oatmeal stout you'd really love. I love to hear the stories other people have about you - everyone's got a dozen and most of them are hysterical.

We miss you every minute of every day, Jesse. I love you. We love you. Always and forever.

~ Carin, Savannah and Jacob

August 25, 2006