Family, Friends & Fellow Officers Remember...

Jes ~

Two years.

Two very long years without you.

I miss you very much, Jes. I miss so many things, things that made us "us". I miss how you used to come home all wound up after defensive tactics training, how you'd try different pressure points on me or different maneuvers (remember when I got you with the soapy sponge?)......I miss your silliness, how you used to dance around and make funny noises......I miss you calling me "mama" - I almost can't remember you calling me anything other than that......I miss you calling the kids "Rosie" and "Jajo", always so loud like we're all deaf or something......I miss going to restaurants with you, watching you enjoy a good meal and a nice cold beer......I miss your goodness, your love of life and of your family......I miss your sensitivity, how you weren't ashamed to cry.

I miss the life we used to have. It wasn't easy - I was always so tired from working nightshift, we rarely had much time together and the kids were just babies and demanded so much - but we both knew that if we just stuck it out for a few years things would get easier. We kept our eyes on the goal - we did what needed to be done because we knew in the long run it would all work out. We made so many sacrifices, Jesse, and for what?!?!?

It makes me so mad when I think of how hard you worked for us - how hard you worked to make a good life for me and the kids only to have it all stolen away from you.

For someone else's carelessness to cost you so very much.

For one moment of negligence to erase an entire lifetime.

I sit here, looking at your pictures and plaques and awards, and I can't believe you are really gone. You were invincible, Jes. You were larger-than-life. Nothing could ever hurt you.

At least that is what I used to believe.

But now you are gone, and I am left here alone to raise our kids. I miss you, Jes. I really, really miss you.

And the kids miss you. I told Jacob the other day how proud you were of him, that you were watching him all the time and that you loved him and he said he knew when you were hugging him because he felt "hot" - his eyes got red and his face got all flushed like he was going to cry and he said that when he felt hot it was because his daddy angel was there, hugging him and making him feel that way. It's hard to keep it together when he says stuff like that, but I want him to believe that you are there. I want them both to believe that you are there.

Savannah has a book about Heaven that Dianne got her right after you died, and I find it all over the house - she reads it all the time. She really needs you.

Please be their guardian angel, Jes. Please be there for them when they need you. Please be there when I need you. Please stay with us.

I love you, Jes. I've loved you since the first moment I saw you and I will continue to love you for all of eternity. Always and forever, Jes. Always and forever.

~ Carin

March 24, 2007

Officer Sollman,
Your community is remembering you on this second anniversary of your passing. While I did not have the privilege of knowing you or your family personally, I have been truly touched by the reflections left for you.

My thoughts are with you, your wife and children, your family and friends, your department and your community at this time and always.
Thank you for serving us with honor and committment that is appreciated throughout the Lehigh Valley.

a Lehigh Valley citizen

March 24, 2007

When tomorrow starts without me,
And I'm not there to see,
If the sun should rise and find your eyes
All filled with tears for me;

I wish so much you wouldn't cry
The way you did today,
While thinking of the many things
We didn't get to say.

I know how much you loved me,
As much as I love you,
And each time that you think of me,
I know you'll miss me too.

But when tomorrow starts without me,
Please try to understand,
That an angel came and called my name
And took me by the hand,

And said my place was ready,
In heaven far above,
And that I'd have to leave behind
All those I dearly love.

But as I turned to walk away,
A tear fell from my eye
For all my life I'd always thought,
I didn't want to die.

I had so much to live for,
So much left yet to do,
It seemed almost impossible,
That I was leaving you.

I thought of all the yesterdays,
The good ones and the bad,
I thought of all that we shared,
And all the fun we had.

If I could relive yesterday,
Just even for a while,
I'd say good-bye and kiss you
And maybe see you smile.

But then I fully realized,
That this could never be,
For emptiness and memories
Would take the place of me.

And when I thought of wordly things,
I might miss some tomorrow,
I thought of you, and when I did,
My heart was filled with sorrow.

But when I walked through Heaven's gates,
I felt so much at home.
When God looked down and smiled at me,
From His great golden throne,

He said "This is eternity
And all I've promised you.
Today your life on earth is past,
But here life starts anew.

I promise no tomorrow,
But today will always last,
And since each day is the same way,
There's no longing for the past."

So when tomorrow starts without me,
Don't think we're far apart,
For every time you think of me,
I'm right here in your heart.
AUTHOR UNKNOWN

Thinking of you Carin, Savannah and Jacob, today and always and wishing you all the best. Know that Jesse is with you and that many people continue to pray for you all.

March 24, 2007

God Bless you on the eve of that terrible day! I hope that you can see how much you are loved and missed!! I don't understand God sometimes, why does he take the wonderful people and leave the bad people here??? Is this truly the hell they talk about????????

March 24, 2007

To Jesse, Carin, Savannah, Jacob, Jesse's parents and other family and friends:

The second anniversary of Jesse's tragic death is two days from now...March 25th is the day all your lives changed forever. As I read the many loving reflections left by those who called Jesse beloved, I am mindful of the journey we all struggle with as we try to make a life for ourselves...we know that is what our beloved would want us to do, but the heart always aches for the one who can now only be with us in spirit.

Carin, your writing is always so beautiful and powerful ... you are the wordsmith that can convey with your reflections what so many others are feeling.

I hope that you all find some peace in your heart during this anniversary week as you hold your memories like the rare and beautiful pearls they are.

May Jesse's spirit continue to soar and his memory continue to inspire. Rest in Peace, Jesse. Your valor and dedication and sacrifice will never be forgotten.

Phyllis Loya, mother of Larry Lasater, PPD, eow 4/24/05

March 23, 2007

Carin,

It's 4 a.m. and I'm awake. Thinking too much. I decided to come to ODMP to check Mike's reflections and wanted to come to Jesse's page because I haven't been to the page in a while. I'm thinking of you and will call you soon. I haven't called because I want to leave a space of time when we can actually sit and chat without interruptions. Lately that's been tough with my crazy life. Please know, though, that I am thinking about you, especially this week. Oh Carin, I wish I could say that as time passes it does get easier. It just gets different. We're approaching year number 3 and I still wonder if Mike suffered. I miss him terribly and, as with you, wish Kendall had her daddy. I'm sure you think of many of the same things I do.

I read your last reflection and felt that you are so lucky to have something that still smells like Jesse. The first thing I did when I arrived home that awful morning was go to our bed and our closet to find something that smelled like him. There was nothing.

I will call soon. In the meantime, if you want to call at any time of the night just to cry, I will be here. I know the anniversary will be tough but I know you will find a way to get through it. There will be lots of tears, I'm sure, but you will get through it.

Take care my sister.

Denise L. Wise
Widow, Michael H. Wise, II EOW 6/5/04

March 23, 2007

In a few days it will be 2 years since you were called away. I wanted to stop in and say that on the 25th I will have a candle burning to honor you and as a rememberance of a true hero. Keep watching over your wife and children as it will be a terrible day, most are, but this one will be a hard one for them. Let them feel your presence to help them get through the day. Keep watch over them, protect them. Your loved ones and close friends have not forgotten you and never will. Say hi to my son Mike for me and if you like Scotch, have a shot with him.

Bob Gordon
Father of Michael P. Gordon, EOW: 8/8/04

March 23, 2007

Hey Pal,

Well, it's been nearly two years. You would think that the edge would start to dull after two years...it hasn't. I think of you all the time. I see you hanging around in the station with those goofy looks on your face, and can still hear your voice and your laugh.

But as much as I miss you, I am grateful for what you were able to give to me before you left. You taught me so much, about the job and about life; as an instructor and as my friend.

Your babies are growing so fast; they do you proud, as does Carin. She knows that I am NEVER more than a phone call away; that's what you would want, and you would have done no less for me. I am proud to have been invited to continue to be a part of their lives.

I miss you brother....until that day.

Carl Faulkner, Ptlm
Easton Police Dept

March 23, 2007

Hey Jesse, It's me Savannah, Holly and Billy's daughter. Well my Sister jess actually told me about this site and i figured i should write too you. I been thinking about you lately.. Well i've been doing really good. Im in seventh grade now and im 13. I play every sport you probably can imagine. I play field hockey in the fall, basketball in the winter and softball in the spring. I take time off in the summer time to just hang out with the cousins and family and friends. I do swim. I was thinking about doing soccer, but I decided to do softball. I actually just made the team, i think im playing second base. I made captain for the basketball team and i played point guard. Oh i just wish you could have seen one of my games! You would have loved it. Well, I still ride those 4-wheelers and quads! Im not a tom boy like i use to be though, but im not afraid to get dirty ! ha. Well the family doing really well. My mom is opening up her own hair business on main street, she is more than excited. Thats all she talks about now! My dad still into those cranes and now working with them, he probably works more than you can ever believe. He actually was in an accident, and had to get knee surgery so he is home from work right now. MY sister Jess is now a freshmen in bloomsburg university she is 18! can you believe that?! She is doing well. Gorgeous as usual, and just got a new boyfriend named Richie. I like him alot and actually he reminds me of you in so many ways. The way he looks and acts. Hes very out going and knows how to make you smile. I can't believe its been almost 2 years without you here with us. I miss you more than anything and will love you forever! The family parties aren't the same.. i am use to you there and making us laugh! Im use to you picking me up and telling me how big i got, i just wish you could see me now. I've gotten so big, but still the tiny one out of my friend, haha. Well i have no boyfriend right now, and not really looking for one i guess. Im just having fun, but staying out of trouble. Well i am about to go, I just wanted to say hello and tell you im doing well. I miss you more than anything, and love you forever and will always be in my heart. I love you jesse, always Savannah Cappiello.

savannah cappiello

March 18, 2007

carin i have never know you or jesse but i do have family that are policemen, i read this site often, i feel for you! i remember that horrble day like yesterday, you are so strong because jesse is with you all the time!! I had lost a best friend who was so young and shoudnt of passed away But for some reason which i will not know god needed him,from what i read jesse was a outstanding person, all the great times will always be in your heart! i pray for your family often! god bless you and your beautilful children

March 17, 2007

Jes ~

For the past few weeks I've felt preoccupied, anxious and very very sad - it's going to be tough getting through the 2 year anniversary. My insomnia is back and when I do sleep I am haunted by bad dreams, one after the other. I just want some peace, Jes, peace in my heart from all of this sadness. I know there are no guarantees or promises in this life - for anyone - but I wish I had some assurance that things were going to be O.K. so I could just relax.

I've been going through a lot of your things this week; I went through everything in your cedar chest and today I looked through a lot of pictures. It makes me so sad and depressed to do it but sometimes I just need to sit and feel the pain. My eyes burn from crying and my soul feels so empty.....I have asked a million times "Why" but I know I will never get an answer, at least not in this lifetime. Not that any answer would be good enough, anyway.

Jacob loves to get into that chest and look at your stuff - I put it in our closet after you died and I've told him that when he is older we will put it in his room. It's full of your personal things and he asks all the time if we can go through it. Your black caps are in there, the ones you wore all the time, and one of them still smells like you. He is amazed by all your gadgets (I'm amazed myself at how many pocket knives and Oakley sunglasses you had) and I know it will mean so much to both the kids when they are older to have those memories of you.

But they shouldn't have your memories, Jes, they should have you. And you should be here with us. Your absence is felt every day in so many ways, the void in our hearts and our lives just gets bigger as time goes on.

We miss you, Jes. Please be with us this week.
Always and forever
~ Carin

March 16, 2007

Hey Jes ~

I came across this poem today and I wanted to put it here for you. It's called In Treasured Thoughts of You, by M.J. Monroe.

Lonely nights and lengthy days,
butterflies and morning haze,
singing birds and moonlight glow,
thoughts of you which come and go.
Emptiness where you once walked,
silence echoes where you talked,
the scent of you in air I breathe,
your touch upon the morning breeze.
Anxious children, wanting dad
and the fun times they once had.
Shattered dreams that can't come true
live on in treasured thoughts of you.

I'll carry on and follow through,
with all the things which we would do,
and hold you in my heart each day
even though you've gone away.
With each new hope I'll see you there
and feel your presence in the air.
As time passes I'll be strong,
and hold you close as life goes on.
You're not here and I'm not there
but you still linger everywhere.
Everything you'd say or do
lives on in treasured thoughts of you.

Love and miss you, Jes. Always and forever ~ Carin

March 8, 2007

Hey Carin...I am sorry I haven't been keeping in touch lately...new job....baseball...stress of life....I think about you all the time...I know you are one of the only ones who understands....I read all your messages for Jesse and I think "exactly"....sometimes it's hard to put into words how I feel....I am so tired of this ache in my stomach....lots going on with regards to benefits....we should talk soon....anyway....just know that I am here thinking of you and Savannah and Jacob....praying for a little piece of sunshine in your life...love you girl..me

Hey Jesse....how is my Drew? are you guys hanging out together up there? drinking a beer or two? I can just see you two up there cutting up and laughing....maybe that what that was yesterday, not thunder, Drew's big laugh....we love you guys....keep watching over us....Carin is very strong, but I know her heart is still in pieces....make your pressence known...it always feels good to feel Drew with me...thanks for bringing Carin to my life....much love, me

February 27, 2007

I want to thank your wife for the reflection at my son Michael's page. I spend most of my computer time at this web site and try and visit as many officers as I can to leave reflections to the loved ones left behind for I know their pain and what it takes to get up and carry on our daily lives every day without them. Jesse left behind 2 children, my son left behind 3. I know his children ask those heartbreaking questions all the time, especially the why question. There is no answer to that question and no matter how many times you ask, it will never be answered. Try not to beat yourself up trying to figure the why. They say in time this grieving process will get a little easier and it's a long and bumpy road. We will never forget them and they will always have that special place in our hearts. Keep Jesse's memory alive by talking about him to others as much as you can. I'm sure you have a picture button of him, wear it and people will ask when they see it and you can tell them about him with pride. Get in touch with people he worked with and ask them to tell you stories about him that you may not have heard. The reason for this is that all our tomorrow stories are no more so we live for those past memories that can be passed down to his children who can be proud of their father who served his country and then went on to serve in a noble career that one does not get involved in for money or riches, but because it was a calling that came from their heart-to help others. I am proud to have served in the same profession as Jesse and I know why he, 2 of my sons and others, enter law enforcement. Jesse will always be a hero. I hope he appears in vivid color in your dreams to let you know he is near you, protecting you and guarding over you and the children. He will never be forgotten.

Bob Gordon
Father of Michael P. Gordon, EOW: 8/8/04

February 27, 2007

Your words are so heart wrenching, the pain is horrible yet
you move on for those beautiful children! I will pray for
you all.

February 27, 2007

Jes ~

Another month has passed without you.

I was driving yesterday with the kids and that Boys II Men song, It's So Hard To Say Goodbye To Yesterday, came on the radio and I just started to sob listening to the words. It's like they came straight from my heart.

I thought you and I would get to see forever, Jes. I thought we'd raise the kids and grow old together in this house. I never imagined you would be taken from us, and it is so hard to let all of those hopes and dreams go. It is so hard to move on. It is so hard to look towards the future when your heart aches so much for the past.

We miss you and love you, Jes. Every moment of every day.
Always and forever ~ Carin

February 25, 2007

Carin

Just dropping in to say Hello and hope things are going good for you and the kids. It sounds like you had a bad day not to long ago. I'm finding myself running in circles part of the time. Part of the time I think I'm going crazy. Part of the time I think my life is in Fast forward, but then it just seems to go soooo slow. That is when I guess I'm crazy. I often think What I would do without my boys.. They try to keep me busy.
Just thinking of you and the kids today, Hope your doing fine.
Connie Holcomb
OSHP Sgt. Holcomb EOW 9- 28 -06

February 19, 2007

Happy Valentines Day, Jes. I miss you every moment.

I love you. Always and forever.
~ Carin

February 14, 2007

Hi Carin,
I was thinking of you today on Valentines Day. A friend of mine from work, widowed also, emailed me today saying her daughter said it was more like Singles Awareness Day. Her daughter is so right. I hope that you were at least able to enjoy the day with the kids.

I just want you to know that I am so grateful that you and I have met. You are an amazing person and such a loving mom. I think of you everyday and especially when I am at the brink of losing it....I think of you and it saves me.

Here's wishing you a day....a day without loneliness, a day without questioning your parental skills, a day without losing your mind....but instead a day of comfort, a day of laughter with your beautiful kids and a day to remember that you are special.

Take care of yourself and I look forward to our next get together.

Love,
Jess

Widow of Officer David Petzold, EOW 11-9-06

February 14, 2007

Hey Jesse!

Its me Jess, the daughter of Billy and Holly..I was sitting here at work and I just started to think of you out of the blue, so I went on google and typed in your name and I found this site..I figured I write you a little to just say how I am doing. Well one sorry I havent wrote on here sooner. I know your happy as can be up there and watching down on all your loved ones. Im here at college now, Bloomsburg university majoring in Speech Pathology. Time flew by. Ive met so many people, and been having so much fun. I met 4 other girls that I will be living with in an apartment next year, that should be exciting. Dont worry though im not getting into that much trouble, still responsible haha..Im also on the dance team here we have our show coming up, should be a really great time/show. There was a "contest" thing to design the dance t-shirt for the show..and decided to design one , and I won! Which was real nice. Oh yeah, and no boyfriend right now haha, Boyfriend free which is good. My job here at school is on campus and I work as a student supervisor of the one building and I just pretty much tell people what to do and sit here and do nothing but its nice. I still have a lot of responsibility with the job. Ill be turning 19 this year, can you believe that? It seems like just yesterday I was 12 years old.

The family is doing real well, My mom is still cutting hair at the house, and My dad is still doing construction/crane operating and is finally starting to relax a little bit. Savannah is little miss popular, 13 already..and Captain of her basketball team, plays field hockey, swimming and wants to do soccer. Shes the athlete, probably will get a scholarship by the time shes a senior. We still have alot of pets, Brandy and Brock the 2 dogs. Our two cats Joey and Kelly, a Ferret and a guinea pig ha..Our family Loveees animals. well I gotta get going though, I have to do some things here before I drive back home to eat my moms pasta dinner and then drive back tonight to come back to college. I really love it here though, the scenery and everything the town is just so perfect. The people are nice too.

Well love you Jesse.
Keep watching over all of us and your family and keep everyone safe!

Love, Jess

Family Friend

February 11, 2007

Carin,
I know we exchanged numbers last year in DC but we've never had the chance to connect. I wanted to let you know that Jesse's site is one that I visit whenever I visit Michael's. I have a few that I always go to to see how other spouses are managing this journey. I am impressed at your thoughtful, heartfelt messages that you leave for Jesse and also to other survivors.

I wanted to comment, if I could, to your last reflection since I understood and empathized with everything you said. I just got done writing on Michael's page saying alot of the same things. Michael's anniversary of his death is tomorrow and I think that this year is harder than last year was. Last year I felt such a sense of accomplishment that I had made it through all the "firsts" and actually did a pretty good job. This year feels so much different. It's been so long since we had them in our physical lives that it seems like forever some days and then sometimes it's just like it was yesterday. Most days I do pretty well but recently day to day things can feel pretty overwhelming. Maybe it's the two year thing...we should check with other survivors.

Anyway, I was also wondering if you knew about the COPS Kids Camp and also the Spouses Retreat that are held each year in August and September. I've attended both twice and have found the support and guidance given there are true gifts.

I'll be thinking about you and praying for you through this challenging time. I hope you find comfort in the support.

Denise Scarbrough, Surviving spouse
Sgt. Michael A. Scarbrough EOW 2/9/05

February 8, 2007

Hey Jes ~

This week has been so rough, Jes. So rough.

Sometimes I feel like an outsider looking in on my life and I just can't believe the situation I'm in....38 and widowed, with 2 little kids. It doesn't seem like it could really be real, or that it could really be my life. I feel like I've said "it's not fair" about a million times, I'm sick of hearing myself say it. I tell the kids all the time when they complain that something isn't fair that LIFE isn't fair and they should just get used to it - I'm starting to think it's time I took my own advice.

Life isn't fair. Life is full of inequities and tragedies and heartbreaks. And sometimes it seems like the unfairness is not equally shared by everyone, that some people seem to sail effortlessly through life without so much as a scratch while others are repeatedly wounded. But I suppose that's pretty much what "unfair" means, isn't it.

I'm taking the kids to see Jilly and Habtu this weekend. She will help soothe my soul and clear my head. Maybe when we get back I can begin to look forward, instead of always looking back.......

I feel like I'm trapped in a very small room without any windows, and I don't know where to turn. I wish you would give me some guidance, somehow.

The kids are doing great, by the way. Jacob had his 5 year checkup and he grew almost 3 inches again this year - you always worried that he wouldn't be tall but I don't think that's going to be the case. And he is so smart, just like Savannah. And funny. They are both funny, just like you - she is more of a clown, shaking her butt and making faces while Jacob is much more subtle. It's amazing how similar they are, yet so different at the same time. I wish you could be here to enjoy them.

We miss you, Jes. And I miss you. Every day I realize more and more the depth of what I lost the day you died. I would give anything to have you back, to be us again. It is a very lonely life without you here.

Always and forever
~ Carin

February 7, 2007

Hey Jes ~

You've been gone 22 months today. It just doesn't seem possible that so much time has passed without you here.
The days, weeks and months are starting to blend together.

I miss you so much, Jes, and would give anything to have you here with us.

We love you. Always and forever.
~ Carin

January 25, 2007

Jes,
Carin and the kids were over on Saturday for Savannahs 8th birthday. Both of them were tuckered out from the birthday party at that kids play land where carin hosted the birthday party. Your dad and I had a cup of coffee and a chat for a couple of hours. I can see where you got your low key disposition, your dad is really a very nice man. We talked about your old neighborhood, and the different houses you guys lived in when you were growing up. He visitd the old neighborhood on his way to Carins house and said it has changed, but not much. I was another year older on January 15th, but you jesse are still just 36. You will always be 36, young, and full of vim and vigor. Jesse we miss you and our hearts still cry out at the injustice of it all.

Love You
Mom and Dad

Mom and Dad

January 21, 2007

Carin,
Just dropping a line to say HELLO ,and to see how you and the kids are doing ? It sounds like you had a bad day, a few days ago. That's o.k I have them all the time. Well I just wanted to let you know that I was thinking of you and the kids . Hope you have a nice weekend.
Connie Holcomb

January 18, 2007