Family, Friends & Fellow Officers Remember...

I wanted to take a moment to say thank you to the EPD wives who come here to Jesse's site and leave reflections for me and the kids - I really appreciate your support, kind words, thoughts and prayers. Since Jesse died our lives have been changed in ways I never imagined. Losing him was just devastating, for me and for the kids, in so many ways. Our lives will never be the same.

But we are picking up the pieces of our old lives and using them as stepping stones to a new one. It is a long and difficult journey, but we are trying to make new plans, to have new hopes and dreams. There are moments when I feel angry or bitter, especially when something happens with one of the kids and Jes isn't here to share it with me - but those feelings do not define me or guide my life.

I hold my memories of life with Jesse inside my heart and will carry them with me forever. It truly is a comfort to me to know that he is in your hearts as well - that his memory and legacy continues to live on and that he is not forgotten.

Thank you again.
Carin

November 6, 2007

Carin, Savannah and Jacob,
Well, so much goes on in our lives, there is not much time goes by where I need to ground myself and come visit Jesse's site. Reading your reflections, and the reflections of others keeps me grounded in what is really important in our lives. The one poem about the officer who stopped a speeding car is just so true. It happened to Trooper Philip Lamonaco in NJ years ago. It was just days before Christmas and even worse just minutes (I believe) before the end of his shift before his vacation was to start. He stopped a car for a light out, and yes, they criminals (they were terrorists) had better guns, and the vest, well, it wasn't much of one. A lot of good things came out of that that probably saved the lives of many officers to come, but what a price to pay for that family. I cannot even imagine how hard it must be with the kids really just so young yet. I will never forget that day, and how just impossible the news sounded, it did not seem it could be true. You however, have had to live with that every day since. For me, it is just a grounded reminder, but for you, it is a constant lost memory. I just hope you know that you are thought about often, I don't know what the pain feels like but I care that you have had to deal with it all. Jesse will never be forgotten, and I just hope you know that people really do care.

Easton PD Wife

November 5, 2007

Jesse and his family are still in my prayers. His service will never be forgotten.

Corporal
Pennsylvania State Police

November 3, 2007

Hi Carin,
Happy anniversary. I am sure this is a bittersweet day for you. I'm so sorry that your life had to change so drastically and so quickly. I read your reflections often. I am from Easton and two of my husband's co-workers from the Reading Police Department died in the line of duty the past couple of years. Its just horrible that so many families are changed in the blink of an eye. I was looking through Officer Cassidy's reflections and I saw that you had posted one. I think that speaks volumes of the kind of woman you are, Carin. In spite of your own grief, you still take the time and have the heart to reach out to others. That shows a kindness and a heart for others that is rare in this day and age. Sometimes I feel myself start to cry when I read your reflections for Jesse. I can't say I know what you are going through, and truthfully, I hope I never have to find out, but I can feel through your words the special love that you and your husband shared and how you are trying, desperately trying to figure out how to go on and how to make things right for yourself and your children. You are a remarkable and strong woman Carin and I really admire and respect you and what you are doing. I pray for you and your children daily!
Officer Sollman, thank you for your service and your sacrifice. May you rest in peace.
Respectfully,
Kenda Balkiewicz

Kenda Balkiewicz
wife of Reading Police Officer

November 2, 2007

Jesse & Carin~

Just wanted to say that I will never forget about both of you. I miss ya Jesse..what a difference you could have made! Another officer was killed in Philadelphia...he never saw it coming either. May God bless you both.

Carin~

I do read your entries about life after Jesse. I hope that you are blessed with only good things in your life, along with your children. Keep up the good karma that you spread to everyone that needs you.

Det. Jean L. Dubbs(RET.)
EPD

November 1, 2007

Hey Jes ~

Tomorrow is our anniversary. 11 years married, 17 years together - that seems like a long time but really in the grand scheme of things it was just a blink of an eye. I miss you very much, Jes.

A cop in Philly was shot 2 days ago - he walked into Dunkin Donuts to get a cup of coffee and interrupted a robbery in progress. After 25 years on the job he ends up being shot in the head by a thug who has yet to be captured. Line of duty deaths this year are already at 150, 146 of them male with the average age of 38. How many women are left to raise their kids alone? How many children are left without their fathers? It's hard for me to wrap my head around the statistics. All the families, all the suffering and grieving.......when will it stop? God, I wish it would just stop.

I miss you, Jes. I'm trying very hard to carve out a new life for me and the kids, to pick up the pieces and go on. But I miss you every day and wish so much that you were still here - I miss my husband and the kids miss their daddy and life just isn't the same without you in it.

Love you. Always and forever.
Carin

November 1, 2007

Hello Carin,

I posted on Jesse's page sometime ago, I still think about you and your family daily. I hope you are doing alright. I wish you all the luck in the world with all that you do. Feel free to email me, have the webpage administrator look at my email address, he is permitted to give it to you if you want it. I'd love to hear from you.

Brightest Blessings :)
Eric

Eric S. EMT
Whitehall PA

November 1, 2007

"The Badge"
He starts his shift each day
To respond to calls unknown.
He drives a marked patrol car.
A police officer he is known.
He's paid by the citizens' taxes
To make it safe on the streets.
But he usually has a second job
'Cause a waitress has his salary beat.
Now he doesn't know a holiday
'Cause he works all year round.
And when Thanksgiving and Christmas finally arrive
At his home he cannot be found.
He's cursed and assaulted often,
The one whos blood runs blue.
He seldom ever gets a thanks,
To some he's just a fool.
His friends are always other cops
'Cause people just don't understand
That underneath his badge and gun,
He's just another man.
He knows there might not be a tomorrow
In this world of drugs and crime.
And he gets so mad at the court system
'Cause the crooks don't get any time.
And each day when he leaves for work,
He prays to God above.
Please bring me home after my shift
So I can see the ones I love.
But tonight he stops a speeding car,
He's alone down this ole' highway.
It's just a little traffic infraction.
He does it everyday.
Well, he walks up to the driver's window,
And his badge is shining bright.
He asked the guy for a driver's license,
When a shot rang through the night.
Yes, the bullet hit its mark,
Striking the officer in the chest.
But the Department's budget didn't buy
Each officer a bullet-proof vest.
So he lay on the ground bleeding.
His blood wasn't blue - His blood was red.
And briefly he thought of his loved ones
'Cause in a moment the officer was dead.
In the news they told the story
Of how this officer had died.
And some who listened cared less,
But those who loved him cried.
Well, they buried him in uniform
With his badge pinned on his chest.
He even had his revolver,
He died doing his best.
Written By:
David L. Bell
Sergeant
Richland County Sheriff's Department
Columbia, South Carolina
Used with Special Permission of the Author
Copyright © 1999 - All Rights Reserved
and may not be duplicated without permission

Investigator David L Bell
Richland County Sheriff's Dept., Columbia, SC

October 31, 2007

I NEVER DREAMED IT WOULD BE ME

I never dreamed it would be me,
My name for all eternity,
Recorded here at this hallowed place,
Alas, my name, no more my face.

"In the line of duty," I hear them say:
My family now the price to pay.
My folded flag stained with tears;
We only had those few short years.

The badge no longer on my chest,
I sleep now in eternal rest.
My sword I pass to those behind,
And pray they keep this thought in mind.

I never dreamed it would be me,
And with heavy heart and bended knee,
I ask for all here from the past:
Dear God, let my name be the last.

Jes,
I read this on the page of a RCMP officer who you have met i am sure. He is younger than you, only 26 years old. I know you would look out for him if you could.

Mom and I were in town tonight and a guy parked his car next to us and when he got out both of us thought it was you. Every once in a while that happens to us. We see you, but its not you, and we both choke up for a couple of minutes. Boy son do we miss you. Every time i go past Cabellas I remember when you took me there during opening week. I worked with your guys the other night serving warrants and think how great it would be if we could have been doing it together. I was thinking about the last time you and I cooked food on the Webber and drank beer in the garage. We ate all of the sausage before we went into the house and the girls wanted to know what happened to it. I sure would like to drink another beer with you right now.

Winter in coming, and that's the hardest time of year for me to visit you. I keep thinking how cold and hard the ground is. I know you are sitting at the right hand of our Heavenly Father watching over us, but winter is still hard on me.

The kids are doing great, Jacob almost scored a goal at the soccer game the other day. He got into the middle of the kids kicked the ball out and ran it all the way down the field. Just as he was going to kick it into the goal a very fast girl deflected the ball about a foot to the side. He was so excited that he was able to do that that he ran around laughing. I know you were watching, I could even hear you shouting Go Jacob Go.

I will be over to see you this week. Marines today say in greating Ho Rah, but I still like how we did it in the old corps, Semper Fi always faithful!

Semper FI my son

Love Mom And Dad

October 28, 2007

Oh Jes, how I miss you.....

The project is finally done, and I can't wait to share it. I've literally spent all day watching it.....Flash worked so hard, it's really incredible.

I miss you so much. Your son is looking, and your daughter is acting, more and more like you every day. I know you are with us......I love you and I always will.

Always and forever.
Carin

October 23, 2007

Hi Savannah,
I cannot believe you are in 3rd grade, wow!I remember when my kids were your age and it doesn't seem that long ago. A blink of the eye and all this time has past. Just remember one thing, your dad was a great guy and loved by all. He will always, always, always be remembered. You and your mom and Jacob are always in our thoughts and prayers.

Easton PD Wife

October 23, 2007

I Want You To Love by George Canyon

When she got the news
The phone hit the floor
She fell to her knees and cried his name
He had just kissed her lips
And both of the kids
their lives will never be the same
At the end of her hardest day
The only words she could say were

I want you to live, I want you to love
I want to go back to the way it was
To hear you say my name again
I want to see your smile again
I want you to live

It takes all of her strength to go through his things
It feels like she's holding him again
The letters he wrote, the books that he'd read
and some of his shirts still have his scent
The picture in Florida
she holds to her heart and cries out loud

I want you to live, I want you to love
I want to go back to the way it was
To hear you say my name again
I want to see your smile again
I want you to live

Lying awake in the middle of the night
Trying not to let the kids hear her cry
She prays for answers or some little sign
She closes her eyes
and swears she hears him say

I want you to live, I want you to love
I want you to go on and not give up
I want you to live, I want you to try
I want you to know that I'm alright
I want you to fall in love again
I want to see you smile again and again
I want you to live......

October 18, 2007

Hey Daddy Im in third grade now and Im going to turn 9 soon we left some pumpkins for you at your grave and Im being a diva for Halloween and Jacob is a clonetropper ever since he watched STAR WARS he has been adicted to it so ill talk to you later

Love you,Savannah

P.S YOUR ALAWYS IN OUR HEART

Savannah

October 15, 2007

Carin,

its been a while since I have been here. I loved your Jesse story with the red shirt. It reminds me of something I would have done and of course gotten an ear full for. Thanks for sharing it with the rest of us. I know things probably are not any easier for youbut you will make it. Talk to you soon.

cw
department of public safety

October 12, 2007

Hi Carin,
Today would have been Dave's 33 Birthday. I was just leaving a reflection on his page, so I thought I'd visit Jesse's page. I think of you and the kids so often and I'm sorry I don't try and touch base more. I know I flip back and forth from wanting to talk to everyone that will listen to not wanting to talk to anyone...don't know if you go thru those stages or not too. Just know that I think of you and the kids and wish that both of our lives weren't so hard. That our lives weren't so lonely without our guys here to drive us crazy. Hang in there you, as I will try also and take care of yourself. I'm thinking of you as many others are.
LUMI,
Jess

Widow of David Petzold EOW 11-9006

October 8, 2007

Mrs. Sollman,
Thank you for sharing with us that "Jesse" story. It keeps his memory alive and his legacy going strong for us in the Lehigh Valley who consider him a hero forever.

Lehigh Valley citizen

October 8, 2007

I was going through Jacob's closet today and came across Jesse's red Polo shirt and stood there laughing at the memory behind that shirt, so I wanted to come here and leave a Jesse story.

Jesse loved Polo - Polo clothing, Polo cologne. Anything Polo. So back in November of 2004 I had a coupon for a free portrait package from JC Penney and decided that we would have a family picture done. The kids and I all had a red shirt so I figured that we would all wear jeans and red shirts. Jesse didn't have a red shirt so when we got to the mall I told him to run and buy one while I filled out the paperwork for the pictures. So off he goes.......10 minutes goes by, 20 minutes, 30 minutes.....almost 45 minutes later I finally see him coming back through Penney's - really hustling - carrying a Macy's bag. He walked all the way to the other side of the Lehigh Valley Mall to get an $85.00 Polo shirt from Macy's. He claimed that he looked in Penney's but all they had was "burgundy". I tried to tell him that he just defeated the purpose of the FREE portrait package, but it didn't matter to him.

I love that picture of us and smile every time I look at it because of that shirt. Jesse knew what he liked - Polo, Geoffrey Beene, UnderArmour, Oakley sunglasses, nice shoes, good beer - and he didn't hesitate to spend money on those things. That is a lesson that I am still learning from him - to enjoy, savor and appreciate life. To not rush through it unaware, to not always be thinking about tomorrow but to take the time to enjoy today. Jesse enjoyed every day. He lived every moment to it's fullest. I just wish he'd had more of them, and I wish he was still here to be enjoying them with me and the kids.

Always and Forever, Jes.
~ Carin

October 3, 2007

Carin, Just wanted to stop in and say a prayer for Jesse and you and the kids of course. As I read your reflections, it makes me realize, mostly because I can, as I am looking and reflecting in, while you are really going through all of this that, you are building your new life. It is just so sad that is is without Jesse, each minute of each day is one small step and each new day brings a new leaf to your life. One day I think you'll wake up and realize that it is here, and what is even really very sad is that you'll realize it has been here all along, or at least for awhile. Just like how fast the time has gone, and how big both Jacob and Savannah have grown, you'll realize you are in your life, that the limbo that you talk about, was never really present it just felt like it because Jesse was not there to share your life with you. I think all the time how hard it must be for you. I think and pray about you and the kids often, and I just want you to know that Jesse's memory will never be forgotten. I hope and pray that somehow, someday you'll find peace. If for nothing else that you know that people care.

Easton PD Wife

October 3, 2007

Hey Jes ~

You've been gone 2 1/2 years. It's still so hard to believe.

Jacob started kindergarten. He was really ready for it - I actually think he is ready to be in school all day, he gets so bored in the afternoon home here by himself. I wish you could have seen him that first morning, waiting for the bus with his little backpack looking so grown up. He was fine until the bus stopped and it was actually time to get on - then his face got all flushed like it does when he going to cry and he started to grab onto my leg but Savannah took his hand and said "come on, Jake!" and then he was fine. I'm so glad he got the morning program because Savannah could walk him to his classroom those first couple days of school, I think if he had to ride the bus by himself and walk into school alone he would have been really scared. I thought I'd really have a problem getting him up and out of here so early, but it's been a surprisingly easy adjustment for him (easier than it was for Savannah, actually). And he is playing soccer now, too. It's his first organized sport and he's doing really well. His coach is really nice and he's having a lot of fun.

Savannah is in 3rd grade, which is really hard for me to believe because it seems like just yesterday she was starting kindergarten. She is doing awesome as usual, she is so smart and just loves school you would be so proud of her - I tell her all the time how proud you would be. She loves to read chapter books now, and she reads really fast just like me. She's also playing soccer and has a fantastic coach this year - he's the most serious, hard-core coach she has had so far and he is really challenging her. She's played goalie for 1/2 of all 3 games so far and has yet to be scored on. She's aggressive when she plays, but still sportsmanlike (which I tell her is most important).

Last week Savannah asked if we could bring you some pumpkins, which we did, and when we were leaving she leaned over and hugged your headstone. Moments like that open the wounds in my heart all over again, as fresh as they were right after you died. Today was show and tell for Jacob and he was supposed to bring in a picture of his family. I let him pick which picture to bring, and he picked one of the 3 of us at a pumpkin patch last year. When he came home I asked him about it and he told me that he told his class he has a mommy and a sister but that he doesn't have a daddy. He said he left out the sad part about you being in Heaven because he didn't want to cry.

We miss you, Jes. Fall is coming which is my favorite time of year, when the leaves change and the days are sunny and cool - it makes me think of living in our old house, on nice days like that we'd be outside all day. We'd tie Finn up outside and you'd do yardwork and the kids would play and we'd cook on the grill. Those days seem so long ago in a life that doesn't even seem to be mine anymore.

I just finished reading a book called "A New Kind of Normal: Hope-Filled Choices When Life Turns Upside Down" and it was really good. There was one quote in the book that says "How do we get to the morning, to the sunshine, to the joy? There is only one way. By waiting for it. We can't hurry the dawn, no matter how anxiously we pace the floor or how impatiently we watch the clock. And so the question is not do we wait or not wait, because waiting is all we can do. The question is, How will we wait? Will we wait well......or will we wait poorly?" I think this is probably the most difficult part of all of this for me - I feel like I'm living my life in a limbo 'waiting' for the big moment when everything will be O.K. again, when my life will be 'normal' again. But the truth is, it will never be what it was before - all the plans, all the hopes and all the dreams are gone. The life you and I had together is gone and I have to somehow build a new one. But you know me - I read the last page of a book first and need to know how the movie ends before I watch it. I'm trying very hard to trust that everything will work out and the kids and I will be fine I just wish I knew exactly how and when - it would certainly make it easier to wait if I knew all the answers.

We love you, Jes, and miss you all the time.
Always and Forever
~ Carin

September 24, 2007

"My Prayers"
by the Women of Faith Worship Team

May the sun wake you every day
With sounds of life and words of thanks
That love is here to stay
Enjoy each moment as it comes
Always remember where you come from
And never be ashamed
And may you learn to just let go
When it's out of your hands
And find peace down every road

I know, I know, I know
that you wonder what your tomorrows hold
I know, I know, I know
Down whatever road you may go
My love is there
These are my prayers

That you'd find friends who you can trust
And don't be afraid to fall in love
Cause love is the one thing
That's sure as the stars are gonna shine
Don't ever leave your dreams behind
Stand up for what you believe
And take the time to see the good
It's everywhere
And find your passion, live your truth

Every night I pray
Every step you take
Brings you closer to
All I've hoped and prayed for you

Carin, I thought of you when I heard this song and hope you know how many people think about you and the kids. I hope you find the peace and happiness you are looking for. God bless you, Savannah and Jacob.

September 21, 2007

Hi Carin!

It has been some time since I posted. I am sorry I missed your birthday! I am so mad at myself. I forgot we both have our birthdays in September. You 39, me 40...........ugh! LOL! Anyway, Happy Belated Birthday! We will celebrate our old age when I come to your house you know when for you know what!! Heehee! Wine, good food and friends and our first time meeting. I am a cry baby so be prepared!

I loved your story about the grill! That is exactly how David is!!!! He thinks too much! I just jump right in!

I am also very sad to read your other posts. You are not alone girl. NO way, no how. We are all here for you. You are an amazing woman. You are a wonderful Mother. Jes will guide you through. He already has! Life is short hon and Jes would want you to live it.

I just can not wait to give you a hug! We all love you!
See you soon! Love ya!

chrissy g

Chrissy Gilbert

September 21, 2007

Jesse,

I stop at your page every day, right after checking my son Michael's and another friend, Sgt Jeff Hewitt from N.C. I never met you or your family, but we all have the same thing in common and that is the loss of an officer which shattered all our future dreams. The problems created all because of careless individuals who caused all this pain to individuals who had everything in this world to live for. Continue to watch over your loved ones and guide them. Visit them in their dreams so that they know you are close and watching over them.

Bob Gordon
Father of Michael P. Gordon, EOW: 8/8/04

September 13, 2007

uncle jesse,
its been a while... i haven't written u in a while. ive been real busy, but thats no excuse not to write to you. my life is gettin crazier and im gettin caught up with life. Sometimes i leave out the ones you miss the most.. like you uncle jess. and thats wrong, even though you have passed your still a big part of my life and i wish i would have written you earlier. but ive been off leave for 4 days now and i cant help thinkin how i wish i would have saw aunt carin, savannah, and jacob while i was home. they bring out so many good qualities that you had.. jesus uncle jes..i wish to god you were still here, ure such a good guy. a guy i look up to, thats what you are uncle jesse. my idol. youre the reason i do whats right. enough on sulkin, im gonna bring out how you have helped me...uncle jess im not good with test takin.. and i want to thank you for being there with me on my EOC..i got an 89% and that is a big part of training for my job, not only JUST trainin, but my military career.. THANK YOU. yea i studied my ass off but, im just glad you were lookin over my shoulder to make sure i did a lil bit better... now i know im in the air force and you were in the marines but im proud of being an airman, and im proud of serving the same tradition that you so chose when you were young like me... but i can only hope to forfill the boots you filled. and when im "over there" im gonna be doin the best i can and than some, knowin that if you were over there doin what i do youd be assuring that the work you did was top shelf. and thats what i strive for whether or not if im at home station or deployed, and thats what i will always hold my standard to.. " how/ or what would uncle jess think about this".. and thats what i feel, you have always brought the best out in people and always will...uncle jess im tryin not to get emotional..but "when i get where im goin" the song by kenney chesney, thats the song what i wait for.. when my time comes so that we can chill again, and it will be nice when that time comes. but untill then im gonna do the best i can knowin that your up there say "yea boy you can do that", i know you know what im talkin about uncle jess.. im just bad at expressin my feelings, but one emotion i can express is that I LOVE YOU uncle jess. and i always will.. im gonna wrap this up but untill then, ill see you and i love you to death that will never change. and thank you so much. i wish i could type this well for papaer that i have to write! . . . I LOVE YOU




MIKE.

A1C Holzheimer
my uncle

September 13, 2007

Jesse...on this anniversary of the attack, I wanted to tell you how grateful I am that men like you exist...men who go off to fight for our freedom...and then come home to protect it...I wish there was many more like you out there...Thank you for you service to your country...and thanks for giving me a special sister...love you Carin...Tomorrow we will remember those lost on that day 6 years ago...and pray for their friends and families...will pray for your family too Jesse...

Much love,
Chrissy Henley

September 10, 2007

Carin, I come here often to read the reflections, it keeps the memory alive and also helps to keep me grounded. And its your birthday (well, a few days late) happy birthday and remember, you will always be 39 from this day forward! I can't imagine what it must be like to be without your husband, especially on your birthday. Stay strong.
It is funny that you mention the Weber story, I remember well Jesse's love of the Weber, in fact, it is the only reason why we have one. I remember him one time at a picnic using it and he would say something like (it needed to hit some temp) then bingo, the burgers were done. Yes, he seemed to really enjoy that. I remember thinking at the time, boy, if we ever get a grill, that is certainly what we should get. And honestly, every time we grill, the memory comes up. Hope you know that you and the kids are in the prayers and thoughts of many and that Jesse's memory will be never be lost.

Easton PD Wife

September 8, 2007