Family, Friends & Fellow Officers Remember...

Jess,

Just wanted to stop in and let you know that we are thinking of you and all of your loved ones as the new year arrives. Wrap your wings around Carin and the children, let them feel your presence so they know you are watching over them and protecting them. You will never be forgotten.

Bob Gordon
Father of Chicago Officer: Michael P. Gordon, EOW: 8/8/04

December 31, 2007

Hey Jes ~

This is probably at least the 10th time this week I have sat down to leave a reflection here, but each time I try the words just don't seem to come out right. I feel like I just say the same things over and over again - I love you, I miss you, I wish you were here with us - and while they are all still very true, I'm almost tired of hearing myself say it and I feel the need to say something different.

You and I always really loved the holiday season - and not just because of Christmas but because of New Years, too. Not the actual celebration on New Years Eve (one of us was usually working) but the whole concept of a fresh start. A new beginning. A chance to start again, to start over and do things better. It's really just rhetorical - there isn't any real difference between December 31st and January 1st - but it's the idea that the "New Year" brings with it endless hope and possibility (or at least enough to last another 12 months).

I read a great book called "Overcoming Life's Disappointments" and there is a quote in it that I find myself going back and reading again and again and I want to put it here. "I can only understand the phrase 'a full and complete blessing' to mean the experience of life in its fullness, tasting everything that life has to offer, the bitter and the sweet, the honey and the bee stings, love and loss, joy and despair, hope and rejection. The blessing of completeness means a full life, not an easy life, a hard road, not a smooth one, a life that strikes the black keys and the white keys on the keyboard so that every available emotional tone is sounded. If you have been brave enough to love, and sometimes you won and sometimes you lost; if you have cared enough to try, and sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn't; if you have been bold enough to dream and found yourself with some dreams that came true and a lot of broken pieces of dreams that didn't, that fell to the earth and shattered, then you can look back from the mountaintop you now find yourself standing on......and can realize how full your life has been and how richly you are blessed."

I find myself feeling like I'm finally standing on that mountaintop, looking back on the events of the past few years and realizing, in spite of all the pain and grief, how richly blessed I am. Realizing how blessed I was to be married to a man who loved me as much as you did, how blessed I am to have been given our 2 amazing children, and how blessed I am to be surrounded by friends and family that love us. I find myself really looking forward to the end of 2007 and believing that 2008 is going to be full of good things for me and the kids - fresh starts, new beginnings, renewed hope and continued blessings.

I love you, Jes. I love you and I miss you and I wish you were here with us. But I know you are watching and I know you are with us in spirit. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. I love you, Jes. Always and Forever.

~ Carin

December 30, 2007

Carin, Savannah and Jacob, Merry Christmas and many wishes for the best in the new year. Our thoughts and prayers go out to you all during this very joyous yet difficult time. I know the holidays must be especially hard to manage. I just hope that you know that you are thought of often and that somehow that gives you a little bit of peace in your heart to know that neither Jesse or what you have had to deal with, has been forgotten.

Easton PD Wife

December 26, 2007

Officer Sollman,
Today we remember you as another holiday is upon us. Your family and friends are in my thoughts tonight as they make it through this holiday remembering the husband, father, son and friend you were. A hero forever.

Lehigh Valley Citizen

December 24, 2007

Merry Christmas Jes-
I asked Colton to give you a gift from me and I'm sure that you can use it. I stopped by and dropped off some gifts for the kids from the FOP Christmas Party and Wendy and I spent quite some time visiting at the house with Carin and the kids, but I'm sure you already know that. It felt good to get back in touch with them after that other issue. She's doing good Jes, and you should be very proud of her, as I am sure that you are. The kids are getting big and Jacob's speech has gotten so much clearer. He still does that funny toe walking thing but it made me smile to think he's just as goofy as his old man. I miss you pal. Until we can all be together again...

Nick

December 24, 2007

Buddy, I don't where to start and I know you may never physically read this, but I believe you will know in a special way what I am writing. I don't know where to start and this may go all over the place, but I wanted to share what you meant to me and what I learned from you. The first time I ever met you was at you and Carin's wedding rehearsal. When Dianne introduced us you looked me right in the eye, said you were glad to meet me, that if Dianne chose me that I was certainly an upstanding guy, and your handshake was strong as any I ever had. From day one, you treated me like a friend and someone you had known for a long time. I can remember at the rehearsal dinner you introduced me to frineds and fellow officers. Something you wouldn't have had to do having just met me, but it just speaks to the good guy you were and the caring person you were. I can remember all the talks we had just about every tme we were together about how lucky we both were to have wonderful wives, and good, healthy children. Although Dianne, the boys and I live 2 1/2 hours away in Juniata County, PA, we had a special bond and always enjoyed getting together. I'll never forget the ride-alongs I shared with you. The way your driving scared the crap out of me and the way each time I came down you introduced me to all the other officers on duty that night before we went out. You let them know I was in probation and parole and that I knew what was going on. You made me feel like I belonged. I can remember on cold, cold night when I was ill equipped for the weather and you gave me you beanie hat to wear when we walked the streets. And on subsequent trips to visit, when we were out running around and would drop by one of your friends houses, you'd always introduce me and go the extra mile to make me feel welcome. I always wonder what our friendship would have been like if we had lived closer and would have been able to hang out more often. I'll never forget the way you pitched in to help us "pinch" bulls to turn them into steers and also helped de-horn them. No fear, just jumped right in and did what came naturally. Great times we had on vacations man. I still have the round, yellow, floating life preserver you bought in Ocean City one year. I thought, "What the heck is he going to do with that little thing here at the ocean?" Well, you soon showed me and we took turns floating out beyond the breaking waves foating around till the life guards blew the whistles because we were too far out. I still take a ceremonial float or two (as I'm sure you see) when we go on vacation. I miss the beer drinking, pictures booths, sandcastles, and ice cream eating times we shared. But GREAT memories I am thankful to have. And the way we both liked to eat. Boy we could put the food away. I met my match with you man. I had never seen anyone eat one steak off the grill before we got the other ones to the table. And you loved Dianne's beef roasts. Never anything left. Of all the things so far in my life I wished I hadn't had to see, it would be your veiwing and funeral. But Buddy, it was just like you would have wanted for some one else (not yourself as you always put others first). It was the most honorable thing I've ever seen. Coming out of that Church and seeing the hundreds and hundreds of police lined up and the SWAT truck in waiting. Top notch honor and respect for a TOP NOTCH guy. One regret I'll always have is that I didn't ask to speak at your funeral. I heard the pastor asking your bother and sister if they wanted to speak and I was uncertain if that offer extended to others as well so I didn't ask him if I could speak. I should have. I should have shared with others what you meant to me and some of the fun times we had. I know I speak to you now as I'm driving, floating in the ocean, praying, and you know what I think of you, so I guess that is all that matters. I had mentioned putting others first. I recall on one ride-along there was this develomentally delayed, mildly mentally retarded young man crossing the street carrying a pizza as we drove down the street toward him. You stopped right there on the street, got out of the car and introduced yourself so he could recall you from previous times you had spoke to him. He had wet his pants and you told him to be more careful when he crossed the street and to get home and changed his clothes so he'd be dry. No one else on earth may have seen that and I'm sure there are hundreds more stories like that where you took time you wouldn't have had to let someone know you cared. And Buddy, I'm pretty sure the Chief Dispatcher in Heaven has noted each one of those good deeds. I want you to know (and in our little talks you heard this before) how sorry I am for the incident I had with Carin and Jacob at the Outer Banks a couple years ago. It was one thing for it to happen and it was another to let it go and not make it right before she up and left. We have talked and made it right since (Again, I know you already know this) and handling my anger and patience is something I know I need to work on every day. Carin looks just beautiful man (the Christmas card is awesome). She is doing a great job with the kids and I am very thankful we still travel back and forth to stay part of each other's lives. The boys miss their Uncle Jesse, but we talk of you often and the fun times and memories we have. I talk with them of appreciating family and their parents as we have learned a very painful lesson from you and your passing. I'm going to sign off for now Buddy, I love you man and appreciate all the guidance you give me from afar. You were/are a blessing to me man and I hope I can pass on your generosity, caring, stand-up, top notch ways to others. Unit 56, I appreciate your watch.

Brian Watts
Friend

December 24, 2007

Carin, Savannah, Jacob...just in case I don't get to talk to you I wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas...although it may seem impossible, I know you can find a happy moment in the next few days...We love you guys...Chrissy, Alex and CJ

December 22, 2007

uncle jesse
wow, i have been thinking about you a lot lately. I guess to just stop in and say hello. I miss you so much and wish you were still here to see me. I got so much older. I play basketball now and i made captain again! two years in a row, wish you could see one of my games.. Well the family doing good, my sister got a new boyfriend, his names paulie. Really nice. i actually think they are gonna get married.. well i can't believe you aren't here.. everything is so different, i went to new york yesterday and went into that famous church and lit a candy for you. Love you uncle jess miss you so much. keep watching over everyone.always remember the strongest.everythings so different without you. there are a thousand words i could say, but it still wouldnt be enough.you are missed , every single minute of every single day, i miss you so much, love you.
always savannah cappiello.

December 16, 2007

Happy Birthday Jesse!As I read the reflections from both Carin and Nick, yes, I can only imagine how you would be up there, making everybody else happy, dancing around, just being Jesse . . .(ha ha, the image is frightening!) Carin, I don't think I can ever know what it is like for you this time of year, all the reminders, and my heart goes out to Savannah and Jacob.It must be really hard for them, I am sure they try to be all mature about it, but I know it must really be hard, and for you too. What you said below made me think about when you hurt one of your fingers, and you just do not realize how much you use that finger, or for so many things that you need it for, or how much you need to do different because you just cannot use it the way you always had, and I am sure that is just how your life has been, and everyday being reminded in some little way that Jesse is just not there. I hope somehow that you find peace in knowing that Jesse will never be forgotten, and that you, and Savannah and Jacob are in so many people's prayers. Never will we forget what you have had to deal with . . . .we may not feel it like you do, but we care that you are okay.

Easton PD Wife

December 15, 2007

Happy Birthday Jes-

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you but especially today, on your birthday. I know that you are just the life of the party up there and you are warming all of the other angels' hearts who miss their loved ones but have you to make it easier for them with that great smile of yours. We had a support meeting Tuesday night and we were showing pictures of our little angel, Colton, to the rest of the parents who also have the dubious misfortune to belong to this group, and it never dawned on me that on that awful day, where his life was too short, I was wearing one of the shirts that I bought when we were in D.C. honoring you and all of the other heroes who made the ultimate sacrifice. It was kind of eerie for me to see that in those sad pictures but I know that you are taking very good care of my little man until we can all be together again. For that, I will always be greatful... I owe you one...

Forever your friend, Nick

December 5, 2007

Happy Birthday Jesse!

December 5, 2007

Happy Birthday, Jes.

You would have been 39 today, and if you were here you would have danced around all day singing "It's my birthday" and acting silly and asking for your presents. (And I would have teased you that I didn't get you anything.) I thought about having cake with the kids today but decided not to because it didn't seem right to celebrate your day without you - to celebrate an age that you never reached, another year that was taken from you.

So much was taken from you, Jes, and it makes me very sad. You deserved so much more - more moments of happiness, more time with your family, more years in your life......so much more of everything. I am so, so sorry that you didn't get more.

Today was the shopping spree at school and Savannah's class was scheduled to go. There was an entire table of gifts for dad - #1 Dad hats, coffee mugs, license plates, keychains, notepads, golfballs - and it just broke my heart to think of her walking past that table, looking at all those trinkets and realizing yet again that she doesn't have a daddy. It's not like any of us could ever forget, we are reminded every day in many ways that you aren't here, but sometimes the reminders are so painful.

We miss you. We wish you were here with us.
Always and Forever.
~ Carin

December 4, 2007

Carin, Savannah, and Jacob, It is a little late, but I sure hope you had a nice Thanksgiving. Reading your reflection below, it sure sounds like at least there was plenty of good food and friends. I try to come here as often as I can, and I caught myself tonight, it has been now almost a month. I cannot believe how fast time goes. I know that must be bitter sweet for you, in every great step forward, there are so many memories left behind . . .but certainly not forgotten. It is hard to believe that it will be three years soon. It is very, very hard to believe. And that's for me. You are doing a great, great job Carin. Not to have someone there must just be so difficult. Unlike a "single mom" by choice (I guess depending on the circumstance, this might not be a choice either)- - both Savannah and Jacob will never really get to know their dad. The families where people are divorced, yes, it must be very difficult too, but at least those children can still have their parents in their lives. Maybe not unified, but at least in their lives, every other weekend, christmas concerts, graduations . . .You are a widow. There is not a second that goes by that I do not think that I could have been in your shoes. It could happen to any one of us, and I try never to forget that. You certainly have picked up the pieces, and forged your way ahead, but it was not easy, it still is not easy. You, and the kids are in my thoughts and prayers always.

Easton PD Wife

December 3, 2007

Carin...just thinking of you...wishing you and the kids peace and happiness this holiday season...I'm always thinking of you and the kids...much love, Chrissy

November 30, 2007

The holiday season is here, one of the worst times of the year for your family and loved ones. There are no magic words I can offer them to help them, except to just take one day at a time, thats all any of us can do. I know you're proud of Carin and how she has been doing things on her own. Believe me, she is an example for other police widows to follow.
Today, even as cold as it was and me complaining, I decorated the exterior of my home in all blue lights. One of those lights has been assigned to you to let you know that you are a true hero and have not been forgotten. That blue light will be lit every night from now up until New Years as a tribute to you. Continue to keep watch over all of your loved ones, let them feel your presence so they know you are near and watching over them.

Bob Gordon
Father of Michael P. Gordon, EOW: 8/8/04

November 25, 2007

Hi Carin. We were study buddys in nursing school and many of my "flashbulb" memories from that time spent together, are of you and your immense love and pride in Jesse. I admired you then, especially how you spoke of him. Since hearing of your devastating loss, I have followed the news and grieved with you. Finding this page today, I am compelled to leave a reflection. I will always remember the love that you demonstrated for a man you adored. My heart breaks for you and your precious children, that you have endured such unspeakable loss. Unquestionably, Jesse left his mark on this planet and his legacy lives on in you and your beautiful children. I know what an amazing young woman you were and I also know that your strength and faith sustain you today. You will continue to shine a light for all to see of love and hope and strength. Jesse will always be here as those who love him so, hold on to the memories of the man he is, and the love that you share. May the thoughts of those who care hold you up. God bless you Carin. Love from Brenda Petersen

an old friend of Carin's
from nursing school

November 23, 2007

Happy Thanksgiving, Jes.

I can't believe this will be the third holiday season without you, it really doesn't seem possible that you could be gone so long. So much has happened and so much time has passed, yet it seems like just yesterday you were here with us. We spent the day at Andy and Maria's, we had a really good time - Aunt Gloria helped do the cooking and she's just like Mom H in the kitchen, everything was just so delicious I overstuffed myself! I laughed when I read Nick's reflection because you did love that Atkins diet but there is no way you would have stuck to it today, not with all the casseroles and mashed potatoes and gravy.....you would have had several plates of food and spent the next week eating nothing but hamburger meat to make up for all the carbs.

On the drive down this afternoon I said to the kids that we should take a few minutes to say a prayer for you, that we should think about you and tell you how much we love you and are grateful that you were in our lives (and always in our hearts). Savannah of course follows right along with anything I say, but Jacob is always the skeptic because he's afraid I'll start to cry and then he doesn't want any part of it. But I didn't cry and we said a little prayer and I know you were with us all day.

There were so many moments today when I thought of you and just really missed you being here. It makes me feel so bad that you aren't here but I do realize that it's just selfish on my part because you are already in Heaven, enjoying the grandest Thanksgiving feast of all (and not having to worry about the carbs). But most of my sadness, honestly, is for the kids because they have to grow up without you - it isn't fair to them and it just breaks my heart.

We miss you, Jes, and we love you very much. I really am trying to do a good job as a single mom. It's strange to even refer to myself that way and after all this time I haven't gotten used to it - in fact, sometimes I forget that I am a single parent. A few weeks ago I went to a conference in Philly with some friends and the speaker asked "How many married women do we have in the audience today?!?!" and I started to clap right along with my girlfriends - it took a few seconds for me to realize that no, I'm not married anymore (I was so embarrassed). Then the other night I took Jacob to choir practice and was talking to one of the other mothers and she very innocently asked me "So are you a single mother too?" and I said "No"....."Well, I guess so, yes.....But not by choice" (as if that matters).

Single mom.

Widow.

I never thought this is where I would be, or who I would be.

I'm trying very hard to accept where I am - to embrace this life that I've been given and to find the blessings in it - not just for me but for my 2 very precious children who didn't have a say in any of this, who wake up every day and look to their mother for guidance.........

So please, Jes, give me guidance. Help me to be a good mom to the kids, to be strong and resilient......To be the mother you always believed I was.

And save us some seats.

We love you. Always and forever.
~ me

November 22, 2007

Jesse, Carin, Savannah and Jacob,

I wanted to wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving...I hope for you to find a special moment when you can all be together today...I am so thankful that Jesse and Drew brought us together!! Eat lots of good turkey today, I know Drew will be having a feast!!

I love you my sister...keep being strong!!

Love always,
Chrissy

November 22, 2007

Happy Thanksgiving Jesse,Carin and kids =)

November 21, 2007

Happy Thanksgiving Jes- I know you'd only be eating the meat and nothing else on that Atkins Diet of yours. I can't begin to tell you how much I miss you pal... I was up to see you a few weeks ago when I was feeling bad about Colton and just thinking of your stupid smile made me smile. I hope you know how much you are loved and missed every day. I would have gladly traded places with you if I could have...

Motor Officer Dominick Marraccini
Easton Police Department, Easton, PA

November 21, 2007

Dearest Carin,

I've closed the shop for the evening and I just wanted you to know you and your precious little family, and Jesse, are always in my thoughts. I know how hard this all is. As a mother, I wish I could do something to fix things, but I can say I love you, and I do even though we haven't met....yet. I will always look for you at Washington. Until then, my heart is with you.

Linda Rittenhouse

Matt's Mom Always
Matthew Rittenhouse, EOW 9/16/2004

November 21, 2007

Carin,

You don't know me...but I think of you and your family so often. I visited the Police Memorial this May for the first time...and I made sure I went and touched Jesse's name. I can't even begin to imagine what the past 2.5 years have been like...but, reading your posts gives me a clue.

The job as a police wife has grown more and more frightening. I never used to worry about my husband leaving for work... but ever since Jesse's death, it brought it home. Ever since I discovered the ODMP...I feel both sadness and anger for all of the deaths of these heroes. I never realized how one single moment can change a life forever.

I have kept track of your journey...and I hope that you continue to be strong and endure through the grief and pain you have been left to overcome. Your posts have had such an impact on my life. Every day is a gift. I am so sorry about the loss of Jesse. Just know that you are thought of often. His sacrifice, and that of your family, is not forgotten.

With Love, Respect, Sorrow, and Admiration~

BPD WIFE

Bethlehem, PA

November 21, 2007

To Carin and the kids,

I found this site when an officer in my town was killed. I then found this page. I have went back to page 1 and read every entry. I can not even begin to imagine what you or your family is going through. I have never met any of you, or even heard about you until I found this site, yet I see that Jesse was a wonderful man, husband and father. Your posts leave tears in my eyes. I can only hope that if something happens I am ever in your shoes, I can be half as strong as you seem to be. I wish there was something I could say or do, yet we both know that there is nothing that can be done. I do want to thank you for sharing your stories. It seems to often they end up just a number or a horrible stastistic. With your stories and memories, you have let us know him.

Jesse, thank you for your sacrifice. I pray for you, for your wife and for your children.

B.Norvell

November 20, 2007

Happy Veterans Day Jesse, thank you for your service to our Country.

Bob Gordon
Father of Michael P. Gordon, EOW: 8/8/04

November 11, 2007

I wanted to take a moment to say thank you to the EPD wives who come here to Jesse's site and leave reflections for me and the kids - I really appreciate your support, kind words, thoughts and prayers. Since Jesse died our lives have been changed in ways I never imagined. Losing him was just devastating, for me and for the kids, in so many ways. Our lives will never be the same.

But we are picking up the pieces of our old lives and using them as stepping stones to a new one. It is a long and difficult journey, but we are trying to make new plans, to have new hopes and dreams. There are moments when I feel angry or bitter, especially when something happens with one of the kids and Jes isn't here to share it with me - but those feelings do not define me or guide my life.

I hold my memories of life with Jesse inside my heart and will carry them with me forever. It truly is a comfort to me to know that he is in your hearts as well - that his memory and legacy continues to live on and that he is not forgotten.

Thank you again.
Carin

November 6, 2007