Family, Friends & Fellow Officers Remember...

Thinking of you today...as always...be strong...hold your head up high...remember you are not alone...Jess is with you always...

love you girl,
me

March 25, 2008

The 3 year mark has arrived and I'm sure you are very proud of Carin and how she has raised the two children and the decisions she had made. Continue to be at their side, protect them and let them know that you are near guarding over all of them. You have not been forgotten by those that love you or those that called you friend. Also, watch over those still out on patrol.

Bob Gordon
Father of Michael P. Gordon, EOW: 8/8/04

March 24, 2008

Jes-

Well it's been three years and it still isn't any easier. I'll be up to see you and share a beer and Crown with you, my friend, and then dinner like old times. I know you are just so proud of Carin and the way she's raising the kids. They really are images of you Jes. Thanks for taking care of the business that I am not able to. I owe you one. Until we see each other again...

Nick

March 24, 2008

Just wanted to say that we have not forgotten the sacrifice you made March 25, three years ago. Or the sacrifice that your family has had to make everyday without you. Jesse I know you and Clint are swapping stories about what happened, I just know in my heart that Clint was doing what he loved and I'm sure that you were also. Your families just miss you so much, I know that I will keep Clint's memories alive, as I bet your family will do the same.
We will be thinking about you on March 25th your third birthday in Heaven. Look Clint up for me tell him I miss him and keep the signs coming...

Connie Barker F.W.B. Fl.
Mother of Clint Walker Prattville Al. E.O.W. 1-14-04

March 24, 2008

Hey girl! I have been thinking of you so much this week. I know what you mean about Good Friday and Easter. We buried Drew on Good Friday and spent the first day home alone on Easter Sunday. It seems like only yesterday. I was glad to read your reflection from Friday and see that you are getting through. This year for me was harder than last but I think it is because we went home for the street dedication ceremony, and that was very emotional. I am there with you every minute of the next few days...just think of me and I will send you the strength to get through!

Jess...I hope you and Drew got big 'ol baskets of chocolate today!! Thank you for sharing Carin with me. She is an amazing woman and I know you are proud of her. We will forever be joined as sisters and during this time of year we will always take care of one another. I'm so sad for the children who lost their Dad's, but I know you are looking down on Savannah and Jacob and smiling with great pride at how grown they are...they will never forget the wonderful Dad of theirs.

Much love,
Chrissy Henley

March 23, 2008

I'm thinking of you all and hoping for peace and comfort at this time. I just send my love, sometimes thats all I know to say.

Linda Rittenhouse
Matt's Mom

March 22, 2008

Hey Jes ~

The date is different this year, so even though your EOW is on the 25th, you were shot on Good Friday so I sometimes feel like there are 2 anniversaries of your death. This whole Easter holiday is very difficult.

I've been thinking about you all day - about what happened to you that day, about all that you've missed over the past 3 years, and about all the things that are still to come that you won't be here for. It's so sad.

I know you were with me this week. Things weren't as bad as I thought they would be, and I feel so much stronger and more confident now. It's been like a dark cloud hanging over me, weighing me down, but I'm finally beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

We miss you, Jes. We miss you and we love you.

Always and Forever
~ Carin

March 21, 2008

Carin, Just wanted to let you know that all of our thoughts and prayers will be with you over the next week or so, as they always are, but I know as Jesse's anniversay of his death closes in, it must be especially very difficult. The kids sound like they are getting so big, and while there are so many hard pieces of your life you have had to pick up, I think knowing that they will never get a chance to experience their father must be just so hard. Maybe somehow you'll find comfort in knowing that Jesse's memory is living on in so many people. The way he lived will never be forgotten, and always brings such fond (usually very funny stories) to so many. You have done a tremendous job, and I think Jesse would be very proud of you.

Easton PD Wife

March 20, 2008

Dear Carin,

Thank you for the reflection that you left on Mark's page. Your reflections to Jes remind me so much of myself. I wish you much love, support, and strength each and every day. I know the journey is not easy, but I have faith in you that you will find your way with Jes' love guiding you. All my best to you and your family,

Yvonne Sawyers-Swanson
Mark Sawyers EOW 6/5/04

March 15, 2008

Hey Jes ~

Jacob made a card in school for Valentines day, it was a pink heart folded in half and inside he wrote "I love my mom". It's so sweet, I of course put it on the fridge where all the artwork goes. It took me a little while to realize that it wasn't just a card - it was actually like a little book, 4 pink hearts stapled together and folded with a message on each page - "I love my cat", "I love my sister" and on the last page he wrote "I love my dad".

A few weeks ago he had a buddy over to play, it was the first time this boy had been here, and they both went upstairs and into my bedroom. I came up and was about to tell them to come out when I realized they were in my closet, talking, so I just listened outside the door. Jacob was telling him the "sad story about what happened to my dad" and was showing him some of your things in the cedar chest.

Things like this make me so sad, Jes. The fact that the kids don't have their dad anymore just breaks my heart - for them and for you! You would enjoy them so much if you were here, you'd get such pleasure out of seeing them now with how much they've grown and changed and all the things they are doing. Jacob is the same age now as Savannah was when you died and that is incredibly hard for me to wrap my head around - you've been gone so long and missed so much and after all this time I still find myself sitting here saying "It's not fair!". The kids need you so much, they need you here with them and it just isn't right that you aren't.

I pray every day, Jes, for God to give me guidance and strength and courage - for Him to show me what He wants me to do and to help me understand what He wants for my life. I try to make the right decisions for me and the kids but sometimes the "right" ones feel wrong and then I get so confused. It's really tough being left here to pick up the pieces and I hope you know that I'm doing my best.

We miss you, Jes. We miss you and we love you.
Always and forever.
~ Carin

February 29, 2008

JOURNEY - The bend in the road is not the end of the road, unless you refuse to take the turn.

February 28, 2008

YOU ARE REMEMBERED TODAY AND THANK YOU SIR FOR YOUR POLICE AND MILITARY SERVICE

VANDENBERGHE
MANCHESTER, NH

February 25, 2008

Thankyou OFFICER SOLLMAN for your service and sacrifice. You are a true hero to us all and will never be forgotten. GOD bless your family

POLICE OFFICER
PHILA PA

February 20, 2008

Carin...just thinking of you and Jess and the kids...we're getting there girl...we really are! Just keep pushing on. I wish you were closer so we could get together! Love you my sister...Chrissy

February 15, 2008

Hey Uncle Jesse, miss you tons.
haven't wrote here in awhile so stopping by to say hello.
well each and every moment your on my mind.. well today im actually going down to jess's college with her boyfriend and a few of family friends. It will be a good time. my basketball season is going by fast, only 3 more games!! i love it with a passion.. i actually wish you could see one of my games. but our record like 15-5 right now.. its not to bad, could be better. im doing pretty well in school, as the year goes on and it keeps getting harder, but im holding up my grades. Well the family is doing well.And im so excited mike is coming home at the end of feburary! Aunt Tracey is having a huge party for him.im cant wait to see him.He changed alot. And the funny thing is my mom hired this girl that is mikes bestfriend, and now me and her are like bestfriends, ha. shes one of a kind, she says shes going to marry him. but i have to jump in the shower and head off to work. love you and miss you tons, im sure ill be back on here soon!
always in my heart, savannah.

February 9, 2008

Carin, your reflections are always just amazing. It seems like I can never find the right words to day, I found, not that long ago, a pamphlet of dealing with the loss of a loved one. It seemed to give all the right answers and steps to take, but of course, I cannot find it now, perhaps when I finally go through the mail it will pop up. I do wish I had it though, as I wish I could offer some advice. I wish I could tell you how things are going to be, and that life will get easier, maybe someday love will be a part of your life, but I do not have those answers. I do know a few things though which I hope you find comforting. Jesse was an great man. I will never forget the day he was shot, it just seemed impossible to hear those words that he didn't make it. Not Jesse, it was such a sombering incident that reminded us all how precious life is. He will never be forgotten, he made such an impact on his fellow police officers, and every person he touched. Everybody knew Jesse, and he was loved by all. I cannot imagine how hard all of this has been for you and the kids. You seem to be doing such a fantastic job. It is hard to believe that Savannah and Jacob are getting so old. You have really had to not only deal with such difficult choices, but do it on your own. Who knows what is in your future, but Jesse's memory will always be there regardless of what path you take. You will bring it forward with you, how could you not, its really a part of who you are. But Jesse of all people would not wanted you to stop living, and having fun, and just enjoying life. But how do tell someone when it is the person they have lost is the dearest person in their life- -you are right. It almost seems like you might be betraying him. I try so hard to think of things from your perspective, there isn't a day that goes by that I do not think that it could have been my husband there. But you are right, this is not about betrayal, this is about living life and you owe it to yourself and your children to share with them the things they'll miss from Jesse. The love of life, the pure enjoyment of what each day brings. In the movie Raising Helen, if you have never seen it, the mother (who dies along with her husband in a car crash) leaves her children in the hands of the 'unlikely, undomesticated' sister (as opposed to the sister who created the supermom theory). In the end of the movie, when they share the letters they each received from the sister (who wrote them before she passed away as a part of her will) her reasoning for leaving her children with Helen was because Helen was most like her, and she wanted her children to be with people who were most like their mom. I thought this was very interesting. So, who knows what your future will hold, god knows I can barely forecast the next 5 minutes, but know that it was meant to be lived the way Jesse would want you to live it. Full of life, fun and meaning.

Easton PD Wife

February 5, 2008

Jes,
It's been awhile since I last wrote you, but we visit here every day. Just coming here keeps us close to you in our hearts. Thanksgiving, Your Birthday, your wedding anniversary, Christmas, and New Years have come and gone again. Just remembering how much you loved the holidays and being with Carin and the kid's, buying present's, and the family dinners makes us miss you more each day. Carin allowed us to buy your winter blanket this year, for which we are greatful; and you know we visited with you for awhile when we placed it there. I will be over shortly so I can just sit and talk to you for awhile.

I just started to write (the third year of the anniversary of your E.O.W. is coming up) and when I thought about it the word anniversary really doesn't belong here. Easter week is the hardest week of the year for us. It reminds us that Christ rose from the dead to save us from our sins, and you ascended into heaven to be at the right hand of God the father.

Jesse, not a day goes by that we do not miss you. Not a day goes by that we do not think about you. As long as we hold this love for you in our hearts you will be with us on earth. We will put the flowers on the alter at church this year either the week before Easter or the week after, were not sure yet. We will ask the congregation to sing "On Eagles Wings" as we continue to hold you in our hearts.

Love Mom & Dad

Mom & Dad

February 2, 2008

Hey Jes ~

I was reading reflections on another officer's site yesterday - Officer Mark Sawyer, EOW 6/5/04 - and I was so inspired by something his widow said. She recently got remarried and has had another baby, and she commented that people assume because she is married again that she doesn't miss Mark anymore, or that she isn't sad anymore. She went on to say that she still has good days and bad days, and that (this is the part I love) by finding happiness again she isn't moving on and leaving him behind but is, rather, moving forward and taking him with her. I think it's a beautiful way of looking at it and it means so much for me to hear her say it.

I've been struggling so much with so many different emotions, and all the other widows I talk or email with struggle with them as well......how do you balance the desire to find love and happiness again with the sense of loss and sadness that is still such a part of our lives? It's really tough to not feel like being happy again would be a betrayal to your memory - the logical part of me knows of course that you would want me to be happy, but the emotional part of me hasn't quite gotten there yet.

But anyway, enough about me......

The kids are doing great, Jes. They just got their report cards and Savannah's was amazing - outstanding in just about everything with nothing but positive comments from her teacher (she even managed to finally stop talking so much in class, which has been her issue since kindergarten). She's reading on a 4rth grade level and is in a special reading group with a couple other girls from her class. You would be so happy and proud of how smart she is.

Jacob's report card was also very good, but with kindergarten it's more of just a checklist. But he is right on track with all of his skills and is doing just great. His speech has improved so much over this past year, the therapy has really helped him he speaks so much clearer now. He has his 6 year check-up this afternoon I can't wait to see how much he has grown this year - I'm betting at least 4 inches. He's so skinny Jes, he's all knees and elbows. Such a cutie.

Well I have to go pick up Savannah from school and head over to the pediatrician. I love you, Jes.

Always and Forever
~ Carin

January 31, 2008

Carin, Savannah and Jacob, Just a note to let you know that we are thinking of you and the kids. I know time is quickly going by, but never will Jesse be forgotten or the pain and struggles that you have had to endure be forgotten. Prayers go out to you always,

Easton PD Wife

January 22, 2008

Hey Jes ~

This poem was written by a mother who lost her young daughter to cancer - I found it on another website I visit - but I think it's perfect for anyone who has suffered a loss whether it be a child, a spouse or a parent.

To Honor You
by Connie Kiefer Boyd

To honor you, I get up every day and take a breath and start another day without you in it.

To honor you, I laugh and love with those who knew your smile and the way your eyes twinkled with mischief and secret knowledge.

To honor you, I take the time to appreciate everyone I love. I know now there is no guarantee of days or hours spent in their presence.

To honor you, I listen to music you would have liked and sing at the top of my lungs with the windows rolled down.

To honor you, I take chances, say what I feel, hold nothing back, risk making a fool of myself, dance every dance.

You were my light, my heart, my gift from the very highest source.

So everyday, I vow to make a difference, share a smile, live, laugh and love.

Now I live for both, so all I do, I honor you.


I love you, Jes, and will forever honor you by living enough for both of us. I miss you terribly and wish so much that you were still here. Always and forever.

~ Carin

January 22, 2008

Jesse, I just wanted to say that you are thought of often and missed by so many. You were so well liked and just the life of the party. You have a wonderful wife who is truly doing a great job at being a proud wife and mother. It's 2008, new year, new beginnings, and after my own experiences of loss, I have to say that you are living on. Living on in the hearts of so many that you touched in so many different ways. All I can hope as a mother is that my son is thought of often by others but he didn't have time to touch many lives. I know he lives on in my heart with an unbelievable amount of love. As you live on in the hearts of your wife and children forever.
Carin- you are doing a great job as you go on this unwanted journey through grief and are truly a thoughtful person. Thank you again for your thoughtfulness to my husband and me for our son.
Many blessings to you,
Wendy

Wendy M.

January 19, 2008

Happy New Year to you and the kiddos Carin! Hi to Jes also- our Heavenly Police Officer! I just read some of the posts I have missed and of course I am in tears- as always!!!!!! Sadly I spent Christmas and New Years watching my step-mom slowly die. I had to be there at my Daddy's side. She passed on the 1st of the year and hopefully she is up there with Jes and he is making her laugh! She was in so much agony in the end. So Jes----take care of my Mom, ok? I am praying that 2008 brings you the Peace that you deserve girl! You are an awesome woman and Mother. I can not wait to take our little Princesses to see Hannah Montana in February! I love you girl! See you soon!

Kisses
chrissy

chrissy gilbert
wife of disabled Officer Gilbert Whitehall PD

January 10, 2008

Carin, your last reflection made me think of this poem, mostly because there is no rhyme or reason to what happen, and I do not think we'll ever understand why Jesse was shot. The poem makes you think, and I am not sure if Jesse was for a reason, season or lifetime, in my own way, I think it is all three - - in any case, you have had to pick up the pieces and make sense out of it (somehow) so I hope in some way, you find it meaningful.

Reason, Season and Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.
When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.

When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need
you have expressed outwardly or inwardly.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty,
to provide you with guidance and support,
to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrong doing on your part
or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something
to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand.

What we must realize is that our need has been met,
our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered
and it is now time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON,
it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn.
They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
those things you must build upon
in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson,
love the person/people (anyway);
and put what you have learned to use in all
other relationships and areas of your life.

It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

~Author Unknown

.

Easton PD Wife

January 7, 2008

Hey Jes ~

I was flipping through a magazine this morning while waiting on the bus stop with the kids and I came across this little poem.......it's amazing how some things just speak directly to my heart on days when I seem to need it the most.

I miss you now more than ever before
But, I trust that God will open a door
And show me how to go on without you
To give me some hope and comfort too.

For you were my life and I loved you so dear
And it breaks my heart to not have you near.
But, life goes on and I will too
I just wish it wouldn't go on without you.

All My Love.....

The past few days have been difficult. I just keep praying and reminding myself that God has a plan. My life certainly isn't turning out to be what I ever thought or imagined, but I have to have hope that - in time - it will all be alright and everything will make sense.

I miss you and I love you. Always and forever.
~ Carin

January 4, 2008

Happy New Year Jes,

It's been a while since I have left a reflection, but I want you to know that I check your site everyday, probably twice a day. I think of you often and really miss your friendship and working with you.

I want you to know that Carin is doing an outstanding job in raising the kids, she is a truly a great mother and works very hard raising them and taking care of the house. You should be very proud of her, and I am sure you are.

Please keep watch over all of us and guide Carin and the kids.

Mike

Mike

January 1, 2008