Family, Friends & Fellow Officers Remember...

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbye
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow


So I won’t say good bye, just I’ll see you when I get home.

Mercy Me

June 22, 2008

Happy Father's Day Jes! Miss you just as much now as always. Until we can be together again...

Nick

June 15, 2008

Happy Father's Day, Jes.

I didn't think this day would bother me this year, but I realized first thing this morning how much it does. I kept the kids home from church, I just can't bear the thought of them sitting in their Sunday School classrooms with all the other kids making cards for their daddies knowing that their daddy isn't here - it just breaks my heart. It truly is the loss that lasts forever and some days it still feels as fresh as if it was yesterday. I miss you so much it hurts.

Jacob graduated from kindergarten last week. I wish you could have been there to see him, he looked so adorable. I gave him a fresh haircut the night before so he looked really nice; he has been begging me for a mohawk and I promised he could have one in in the summer - but "absolutely NOT" for graduation because it wasn't appropriate - well, you should have seen how many kindergartners walked into that auditorium with mohawks. It's a Bangor thing I guess. Anyway, his hair should be long enough in July to get one and he can keep it until school starts at the end of August. I know you probably would have told him NO but it's just his hair and it doesn't seem like that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things.

Both of the kids did really great in school this year, you would be so proud of them. Jacob met all of his goals for Speech and will most likely be discharged from therapy in the fall - people who meet him now for the first time don't even realize he ever had a problem, he worked really hard and has done a great job. His report card was excellent too, he is really bright and smart and is advanced in almost every area just like Savannah. She still amazes me sometimes with how smart she is - she was reading at a 5th grade level at the end of the year and her best subject is MATH (she didn't get that from either of us!). It's hard to believe they will be in 1st and 4th grade next year, times goes by so fast.

I've worked really hard again on the house. It was tough this year, I had trouble getting motivated to do anything I had to really force myself to get out there and get things done. I kept track of how many hours it took just to clean up all the leaves from the yard and the pool area (21!) Plus weeding and cleaning up the landscaping, scrubbing all the porch and deck furniture, mowing the lawn (I've learned to do at least the front in straight lines) - it's a lot of work for me and some days I still feel resentful that you aren't here to help me. Then other days I look around and feel a real sense of accomplishment for doing it all myself! I still haven't mastered weedwacking and I feel like there are always 10 more things to be done but I think overall I'm doing a good job, and I think you'd be happy.

We really miss you, Jes. I know you are in Heaven and that we will all be together again someday, but I wish so much that you were still here with us. I can't believe you've been gone over 3 years, it just doesn't seem possible that so much time has passed without you. And I look at the kids and realize that Jacob is the same age now as Savannah was when you died and that REALLY makes me realize all that he has missed, all that they both have missed. They were both just babies when you left us, Jes. They were your babies and when I think of how much you loved them and what a good daddy you were, it's almost unbearable. It overwhelms me to dwell on how much they've lost and how much was taken from you and on how awful the whole situation is.

We miss you, Jes. We miss you and we love you and we wish you were here with us. Happy Father's Day in Heaven.

Always and forever ~
Carin

June 15, 2008

Happy Fathers Day!!! Wish you could be here with your kids.

June 15, 2008

Tomorrow is Fathers Day and Jesse, you will not be there to enjoy your beautiful children. We know you are watching over everyone, especially Carin, Savannah and Jacob, and we pray that you are watching over your fellow Easton officers, and every day your memory has lived on - but it is not the same. Certainly Carin's life has changed forever; coping with such a loss is impossible for me to imagine, and now with Savanah and Jacob, growing up without their dad beside them. I cannot imagine.

You are missed by so many. At every opportunity when your fellow officers are out together, there is always a "Jesse" story that comes up- - and it always ends with how much they miss you. You touched so many people's lives.

Just want to let you know that you are being thought of on this Father's day. Your memory will always be with us all, and you will never be forgotten.

Easton PD Wife

June 14, 2008

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbye
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow


So I won’t say good bye, just I’ll see you when I get home.

Mercy Me

June 12, 2008

I was thinkning of you today. I was out at my lawyers in Pen Argyl. (aren't you out that way?) More money spent to fight the injustices spewed upon my family and I by this township and the school district. Anyway, Carin, I am sorry about Willard. I know you were talking to me about it at the Hannah Montana movie. I had to let go of my beloved dog a year ago and it is just so much heartache. I hope you are doing ok. Please keep in touch. Miss ya

chrissy gilbert
wife of 812

June 7, 2008

I put a candle on the wall by your name in D.C. We think of you all often, and always with love.

Linda Rittenhouse, Matt's Mom

June 3, 2008

Carin, so sorry to hear about the lose of your kitty. It is funny how pets become so much of a part of our lives. Especially when they have been in the family for a long time, they seem to bridge all of the memories we share. I am sure Jesse will take good care of him, having I am sure some fun in between.

Take care of yourself, the kids seem to be so resilient, always seeming to manage to hold onto life.

Easton PD Wife

May 28, 2008

Carin -

When God takes something away from you, it's not to punish you or to hurt you - it's because He has other plans for you and your life.

If you are holding on too tightly to what he is trying to take away, your hands will be full and unable to receive His blessings. Just let go - let go and trust Him.

Turn to Him with open hands and an open heart and He will give you the peace and happiness you are looking for.

Keep your faith, Carin. Don't give up hope and always remember that many people love you and those of us who know you - really know you - believe that there are many blessings in store for you. Just open your hands.....

May 27, 2008

Jesse,
Before this Memorial Day weekend gets started, I wanted to take time to thank you for your service in the military, your service as a police officer and SWAT team member, for being a great husband and father, and most important to me, for being a great friend. Other than my grandfathers who both served in WWII, you are the only person who gives this Memorial Day personal meaning for me. You may not have died serving in a military action, but you certainly died serving as a police officer. My thoughts of you this Memorial Day weekend are not solely because of your actions as a police officer, but mainly because of the memories I have as a result of our friendship. It's not that I am just now thinking of you on this holiday weekend. You know I think of you quite often and talk to you often as well. I pray often for you, Carin, Savannah, and Jacob. Speaking of Jacob, how about the way he pitched right in during their last visit to our place and helped me shovel those landscape stones. No one asked him, he just jumped right in and helped--JUST LIKE YOU WOULD DO. Savannah joined in as well. They miss you dearly man, but you can see they are growing up to be great kids as Carin is really doing a nice job with them. We often talked about getting to a professional baseball game together (in NY or Philly) but we never got there. Dianne & I are taking the boys to Baltimore later this summer and I'm sure you'll be there to see to it they have a blast. I miss you man. I miss you dearly. Obviously, as these tears well-up in my eyes. Thank you for our friendship and its very, very unfortunate, but thank you for the personal meaning you bring to Memorial Day. I love you buddy.

Brian Watts
Friend

May 23, 2008

Hey Jes ~

My heart is so heavy with sadness.....

Willard left us today, and came to be with you and Finn. It's been a terrible 3 weeks, Jes. He got so sick so quickly. I was hoping that we'd have him a few more weeks, but the past couple of days were bad and this morning I just knew it was time to let him go and be with you.

On the way to the vet I asked you for a sign that I was doing the right thing - thank you for sending it to me, otherwise I would be sitting here right now second-guessing myself and feeling terribly guilty.

I do realize that he was just a cat - but he was our cat. Our baby that we got together so many years ago. Everyone loved Willard, even people who normally don't like cats thought he was cool. I've taken good care of him since you've been gone and now it's your turn. I gave him lots of love and kisses to bring to you, and I held him in my arms as he took his last breath. It broke my heart to let him go but knowing that he is with you now makes it easier.

Telling the kids was just awful. I've been preparing them, letting them know how sick he was and that we would soon need to say goodbye but they were still devastated. Then Jacob asked what would happen if Finn chased Willard in Heaven and they knocked over some of God's things - Savannah told him that it would be alright because daddy would tell Finn to stop and besides, God wouldn't mind anyway.

Please take good care of him, Jes. Don't grab his head or tease him too much and don't let Finn intimidate him - I know you love to be the instigator but please just try to be gentle. Give him lots and lots of lovin' and rub the spots in front of his ears, he really likes that.

We love you, Jes. We love you and we miss you and we wish you were here with us......but we know that someday - some wonderful day - we will all be together again, as a family, in Heaven.

I wish that day was tomorrow.

Love you. Always and forever
~ Carin

May 16, 2008

Thinking of you today, May 15th, National Police Memorial Day. My wife attended the Memorial at the American Police Hall of Fame in Titusville, Florida today. She placed a blue rose along with your picture at the base of the marble panel where your name appears. This tribute will stay there on display for as long as there is room at the base of your panel. Visitors can now put a face to your name. Continue to keep watch over Carin and the children. Watch over Carin and let her feel your presense so she knows you are near and watching over her. You have not been forgotten.

Bob Gordon
Father of Fallen Chicago Officer: Michael P. Gordon, EOW: 8/8/04

May 15, 2008

Believe in yourself

Sometimes people come into your life and you know right away that they were meant to be there. To serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson or help figure out who you are or who you want to become.

You never know who these people may be but when you lock eyes with them, you know that very moment that they will affect your life in some profound way. And sometimes things happen to you at the time that may seem horrible, painful and unfair, but in reflection you realize that without overcoming those obstacles you would have never realized your potential, strength, willpower or heart.

Everything happens for a reason. Nothing happens by chance or by means of good luck. Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of your soul. Without these small tests, life would be like a smoothly paved, straight, flat road to nowhere. Safe and comfortable, but dull and utterly pointless.

The people you meet affect your life. The successes and downfalls that you experience can create who you are, and the bad experiences can be learned from. In fact, they are probably the most poignant and important ones.

If someone hurts you, betrays you or breaks your heart, forgive them because they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious to whom you open your heart.

If someone loves you, love them back unconditionally, not only because they love you, but because they are teaching you to love and to open your heart and eyes to little things. Make every day count.

Appreciate every moment and take from it everything that you possibly can, for you may never be able to experience it again.

Talk to people you have never talked to before, and actually listen. Let yourself fall in love, break free and set your sights high.

Hold your head up because you have every right to. Tell yourself you are a great individual and believe in yourself, for if you don't believe in yourself, no one else will believe in you. Create your own life and then go out and live it.

May 2, 2008

Carin, The last posting was from me, I completely forgot to add it in - - just too late I guess!

Easton PD Wife

April 17, 2008

Carin, these past couple of weeks, heck months have been really difficult and every time I feel overwhelmed, I come to this site and visit Jesse and you. It makes all of my hardships, troubles and worries seem just so meaningless compared to what you have had to face. I read one time, it is not what we face in life that defines us, it is how we react to it that makes the difference. You have done a tremendous job with Savannah and Jacob. Their life will never be what you had planned with Jesse, and that breaks my heart. Jesse was a great guy and really left such a legacy for his years in Easton. I only hope that Savannah and Jacob will be inspired by his memories to live their lives like he would, and especially like the way he would want them to. We are reminded briefly sometimes daily, sometimes weekly, sometimes longer of Jesse - but you live it every minute of every day and yet you have managed to carry on . . . you have truly been an inspiration to many. Savannah and Jacob may not have their dad by their side, but he is in their hearts, and they have a mother who has made up for it all.

April 11, 2008

Carin
Just stopping by hon to see how you are doing? I hope you are hanging in there during this difficut time. I don't much care for Easter myself as I lost my brother and Nana at Easter. I get in a fog that is hard to get out of. You have so much support. I am always here if you need me. We have to get together again.
With love
chrissy g

chrissy gilbert
Forever 812

April 8, 2008

Carin,
I have been eavesdropping and reading a few of your
beautiful reflections. The depth of your grief touches
me and I feel very sad for all you are forced to experience. You were blessed with such a deep,
profound love that few find. It is your faith and trust in
Jesus that will get you through. He promises to be
your husband and a father to the fatherless. If you can't
have Jesse, you might as well have Jesus. He loves
you even more than Jesse did, if you can imagine that!
It's one day at a time and we are not to worry about
tomorrow because it robs us of the present and we
can't change yesterday. Boy, do I need to do that, too!
Remember, we live by faith which means we don't know what a day holds and maybe that is a good thing!
I wish you the best and I know you are making Jesse
proud! You were so right for each other. Wish I would
have known a love like that! Take good care of yourself
and I am sending you a hug.
Lynn Kole
Bellingham, WA

April 6, 2008

uncle jesse,
god it has been so long. i wish you were still here. you are my inspiration, the reason i can deal with all the bullshit in my job and life,day in and day out. lookin at what you accomplished and what i have yet yo do, i sit here and think... wow, i got it easy and i strive to get what my uncle jess has accomplished. uncle jesse its so hard knowing ill never see you again, but at the same time you have inspired me to take my life and make it soo much better. its so crazy growing up and realizing i want so much more for my life than what i already have. and its largely impart because of you. you are my inspiration... i saw how happy you were to be with aunt carin and have savannah and jacob. and everyday you worked harder and harder to make their lives awesome. now uncle jesse i wish you could see how my life is developing and how happy i am with my current situation in life, and my girlfriend and how i strive to make her happy, just like you did with aunt carin... im sure you'd approve... you would really love alicia, she is my everything, and all that i could ever ask for in a woman. as a matter of fact, shes the one and only for me, the girl of my dreams. i wish you could be here to see me and alicia develop our relationship and get to where we're goin in life, (well i know you'll see us but i wish you could be here in person...) i know you know how it feels to have that one woman,because you had and still very much have the same thing... and aunt carin is such a amazing woman... damn it uncle jess! god i love you sooo much! why did this shit have to happen, i dont beleive how god lets the good die young. that is such crap.. bullshit, but apparently its the truth because he took you waaaay too early..... jesse you are everything i hope i can one day be, a awesome standup guy, and excellent husband, a phenominal father, and the best uncle ever... bar none! ill never ever be too big to give you a hug... ever. i love you so much !!!!

A1C holzheimer
usaf

April 5, 2008

The Broken Chain.

We little knew that morning that God was going to call your name.
In life we loved you dearly, in death we do the same.
It broke our hearts to lose you, but you did not go alone;
for part of us went with you, the day God called you home. You left us peaceful memories, your love is still our guide;
and though we cannot see you, you are always at our side. Our family chain is broken, and nothing seems the same
But as God calls us one by one, the chain will link again.

Hey Jes ~

I've come on here every day this week, several times a day, to leave a reflection for you but I end up just crying and not being able to say what I want to say. I miss you so much, Jes, and this journey of grief is such an emotional roller-coaster some days it just exhausts me. Some days I feel such overwhelming sadness and loss, I look at the kids and think about how much they lost the day you died and it just breaks my heart. And I think about all the things you've missed, and all the things you will miss as the months and years go by........so many things you should be here for. You would think that as time goes by I'd get used to you not being here but the truth is, it's the same pain over and over again. Like a wound that never has a chance to heal. I read somewhere that grief never really ends - it only changes and turns direction with time. I think about the things you used to say to me, the things you'd tell me in private about how much you loved me and while I'm so grateful to have had you for the time I did, it's very hard to live knowing that I don't have that anymore.

Then there are good days - days when I feel hopeful about the future and when I believe that everything is going to be alright and that happiness is right around the corner. But I'm not sure what that happiness is, or what I should do about finding it and that corner seems to move further away with each step I take towards it. And it's hard to maintain hope and to believe in happiness knowing that everything can change in an instant, knowing that in the blink of an eye life can be turned upside down - how do you learn to trust again, to live again, to ever feel secure again?

I've spent a lot of time this week thinking about the day before you died. You worked until midnight that day, so I took the kids out for dinner and did some shopping - we went to 3 different stores looking for a "doodle bear" for Savannah, she had saved her birthday money and wanted one of them so badly. We finally found one, and she doodled all over it when we got home and couldn't wait to show you. I had also gotten the kids new shoes - princess sandals and star wars sneakers. I think about that day, about how routine and normal it all was and realize I've never felt the same since then.

Nothing has been routine or normal since that day, at least not for me. There is so much from that horrible week that I just don't remember, but then there are moments that are seared forever in my memory - the moment I realized you were gone, the moment I saw you in the hospital, the moment I walked in the house that night and realized you would never be coming home again, the moment I told the kids, the moment I saw you in your casket, the moment the Marine handed me your flag......So many moments that play like a film through my head, a film I wish I could turn off but I can't. And it's changed who I am.

I'm not bitter or angry, I'm just sad. Sad that this has happened to our family, sad that our children have to grow up without their daddy, sad that I've had to learn to live without you. Sad that I am alone. Sad to learn the hard way that people don't always live up to your expectations. Sad that things don't always turn out the way we want, or the way we think they should. Sad that unfairness, injustice and disappointment are such a huge part of life. Sad that the kids have had to learn all of these lessons at such an early age - they are hard lessons for ME, they must be impossible for them.

I try hard, Jes, to remain hopeful and happy for the kids - I really do. When we cleaned up your grave on Monday and put out fresh flags for you I was of course crying and Savannah said "I know you're sad about daddy, but everything is going to be alright mom. When life gives you lemons you make lemonade!!!" I don't know where she got that particular phrase because I don't say it, but it was good to see her optimism and her belief that things are going to be O.K. I tell them all the time that even though it's very sad you aren't with us now, you are in Heaven waiting for us and that we'll all be together again some day. Jacob calculated that because I'm 39, I've got "about 6 years" before I go to Heaven - I assured him that I've got many more than that. At least I hope I do!

I also worry about the long-term impact losing you will have on the kids. Another widow I know read a book called "Father Loss" that studied a group of girls who lost their fathers when they were little - it tracked them over a 20 year period and found that they definetly suffered effects from losing their dads at such a critical time in their lives, and not having their dads around as they grew up. I worry about that, about you not being here, and how it will affect them. And I believe that what happened to you has already affected them - I believe it has changed who they are and changed the adults they will become. It's too big of a loss not to, and there is no way to undo it.

I just have to keep on praying - for strength, courage, wisdom and guidance. Keep praying that God will bless our lives, that He will take care of us and will watch over us and that everything will be alright. Isn't that what hope is? Believing in things we can't see, things we have no proof of? I have a sign (of course) that says "I believe in the sun even when it is not shining, in love even when I am alone, and in God even when He is silent". I'm trying very hard to continue to have hope.

We miss you, Jes. We miss you and we love you and we wish so much that you were still here with us. You've been gone now for 3 years yet some days it seems like forever.

I love you very much, and I always will.
Always and forever.
~ Carin

March 28, 2008

Dear Carin, Savannah, Jacob, and Family,

The life of an Officer is never forgotten within the Police Family. Thinking of you all today, and hoping that you find some comfort in the memories you were blessed to have shared with Jesse. I am so sorry for your loss.

Jesse~ God Bless you. It is not how you died that made you a hero...it is how you lived.

With Fond rememberance, support, blessings, and thoughts from my family to yours...You are in our thoughts and prayers.

Bethlehem PD WIFE

March 25, 2008

Carin...my heart has gone out to you for 3 years now, as I've watched through your strength how you have handled Jesse's death. Your love for him has gotten you this far, and I'm not sure if you realize it, but your caring attitude for others and the way you have reached out to help others that have been through the same thing, in other words, your unselfishness makes you a wonderful woman and a friend to many...I truly believe that is why you are seeing the "light at the end of that tunnel" that you told Jesse about. I was born and raised in Easton, knowing many officers, especially from the 70's...and they were a fine crew then. My hope is sometime to meet you, as I don't live to far...but the best thing you can do is exactly what you are doing...help others...My best to you and your children, Carin

Kathy Lobb
A Neighbor

March 25, 2008

Thank you so much Jesse...

March 25, 2008

Officer Sollman,
Thank-you for your ultimate sacrifice 3 years ago.
Also thank-you to your wife, children and family for the sacrifice that they make each day as they struggle to live with out you here physically.
May they be blessed and comforted everyday.

Holley Orr
Wife of Detective Kevin Orr EOW 11-22-06

March 25, 2008

Thinking of you today...as always...be strong...hold your head up high...remember you are not alone...Jess is with you always...

love you girl,
me

March 25, 2008