Family, Friends & Fellow Officers Remember...

Carin, Savannah and Jacob, It is nearing on four years that Jesse was shot and killed. It hardly seems possible that this much time has passed although for you all, I am sure it seems like eternity. Jacob is now almost twice as old as he was when this all happened and Savannah is now a little woman, not the little girl that Jesse left behind. And Carin, your life, your dreams forever were changed. Jesse certainly knew how to live, probably better than anyone, so I hope that somewhere, somehow, time has started to heal your pain and you have somehow been able to move forward. Jesse will always be in our memory, always, and I do hope and pray, that you have found peace.

Easton PD Wife

March 20, 2009

NOT A DAY GOES BY THAT WE DONT THINK ABOUT YOU BROTHER, KEEP US SAFE UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN

P.O. CEVASCO
RUTGERS PD

February 22, 2009

Jes,
I thought of you again the other day. I had to interview accident victims in ST Lukes ER. One of the patients was in the room I last saw you in, so ofcourse I thought about that terrible day.

You are and always will be fondly remembered by us too. We still got your mug posted in our truck to remember.

I hope you're showing TR & Taylor the ropes up there.

You guys are not forgotten.

SGT Wayne Smith
Palmer Township Police

February 14, 2009

Hi Carin,
I'm so sorry I haven't touched base with you recently. I think of you often, practically every time I open my freezer door. The kids often tease me that it was ME that dumped the full glass of grape juice in there. But we all know the truth to that story! I miss you so much. I hope you and the kids are doing well and hanging in there. I'm so sorry I haven't reached out lately. Hang in there woman, you are amazing.
LUMI,
Jess

Jessica
Widow of Inv David M Petzold EOW 11-9-06

February 9, 2009

Carin, It was hard not to see the report in the paper, but I read it, and for some reason, it just didn't strike me in any way. We know, or essentially know what happened and nothing in the report is going to change the outcome of that day nor did it tell us anything we really did not already know. The outcome of that day though is what you, and Savannah and Jacob are dealing with, not how any of it happened. Not sure why it even needed to be printed but that is the Express Times for you, I just don't get half the stuff they print and I never know what to believe, but in either case, it just seemed so fruitless. I just hope you know that you are thought of often, and the kids, and Jesse is always in our prayers, and his legacy will always live on, you and the kids should be real proud of that, that was just the kind of guy Jesse was. A part of your life ended that day ,never again to be cherished in the way you had planned. Your life now is never what you had ever imagined, but I know you are doing a great job, and you do have so much to look forward to, not the way you wanted, but the kids are growing up so fast, and every day it seems brings new comforts, different challenges, and memories that will take you through your lifetime.

Easton PD Wife

February 3, 2009

Life Is Too Short,
Break The Rules, Forgive Quickly,
Kiss Slowly, Love Truly,
Laugh Uncontrollably,
And Never Regret Anything
That Made You Smile.
Life May Not Be The Party
We Hoped For,
But While We're Here, We Should Dance...

Anonymous

January 28, 2009

Carin~
I am so sorry to see the recent developments regarding the Coroner report. It is private and personal...and I wish the media would just stop there hunger for suffering. My prayers are with you.

Law Enforcement Wife

Anonymous

January 27, 2009

Healing Through Letting Go

Letting Go. Releasing. Moving on. These are words that come to mind when holding on to the status quo becomes too painful or takes too much energy.

Even when we're ready, it's seldom easy to let go. But when we do, both we and the other person can become the people we were meant to be—loving without feeling we must control or be dependent on the other for our happiness.

The healing and release we feel when we're finally able to truly let go can't happen, however, until we allow a shift to occur within us, until we're ready for a new way of looking at things, a perspective that is expressed very well in the poem called "What is Letting Go?"

To "let go" does not mean to stop caring. It means I can't do it for someone else.

To "let go" is not to cut myself off. It's the realization that I can't control another.

To "let go" is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To "let go" is not to try to change or blame another. It's to make the most of myself.

To "let go" is not to care for, but to care about.

To "let go" is not to fix, but to be supportive.

To "let go" is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.

To "let go" is not to be in the middle, arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.

To "let go" is not to deny, but to accept.

To "let go" is not to nag, scold, or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.

To "let go" is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.

To "let go" is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.

To "let go" is to fear less and to love more.

Remember: The time to love is short

Anonymous

January 24, 2009

Hey Jes.

I'm so sorry that we couldn't protect you. Mr. Grim and I tried - he especially tried - but we just couldn't. I am so so sorry.

Please forgive us. Forgive all of us.

We love you.
Carin

Anonymous

January 23, 2009

hey uncle jesse,
i miss you so much and today i was trying to figure out what to wear and i have one of your sweatshirts thats aunt carin gave me right after you passed away and i saw and i took it out and im wearing it right now and it made me think of you so much.
I havent seen aunt carin in a while and i really miss them so much its a new year 2009 and christmas came so fast and i thought of you and aunt carin. im still playing field hockey our freshman team was undefeated! i know you would be proud, savannah is getting prettier and prettier each time i see her and jacob is growing up into a cute boy each and every time. well i just wanted to tell you im thinking of you, i love you so much and i miss you!

My old friend, I recall
The times we had hanging on my wall
I wouldn't trade them for gold
Cause they laugh and they cry me
Somehow sanctify me
They're woven in the stories I have told
And tell again

My old friend, I apologize
For the years that have passed
Since the last time you and I
Dusted off those memories
But the running and the races
The people and the places
There's always somewhere else I had to be
Time gets thin, my old friend

Don't know why, don't know why
Don't know why, don't know why

My old friend, this song's for you
Cause a few simple verses
Was the least that I could do
To tell the world that you were here
Cause the love and the laughter
Will live on long after
All of the sadness and the tears
We'll meet again, my old friend

Goodbye, goodbye
Goodbye, goodbye

My old friend, my old friend
Goodbye, goodbye
-this song reminds me of you and my dad
i love you
love lexie

Anonymous

January 23, 2009

I never knew Jesse butt I heard stories. He may be gone but not forgotten. The coin comes out often and stays close to watch over his brothers. God bless., our prayers continue

Jessica- fiance of the blue

January 8, 2009

Jesse
You paid the ultimate price doing what you loved, protecting your family, friends and community. From what I have read you have a very beautiful family, and I'm sure I don't need to remind you to watch over your them, because I'm sure you walk with them everyday and watch them as they sleep every night. Sir you will always be in my prayers.

Carin
No matter what happens in a persons life wether it be good or bad there are going to be cynical people out there who are not going to like what you do. When I was a police officer I know I was always being watched by the public, and I found that sometimes no matter what I did I had someone complaining on me. So I always went with my first instinct and let the chips fall where they may.
My best friend several years ago lost his wife to cancer and she left behind three beautiful children. For several months after he would not talk to anyone. Some friends asked him how he could run a house with no mother for the children, so then he started dating, then he was criticized for that, often by the same friends. So he gave up and several years passed and finally one day his godmother told him that moving forward was part of the healing process, and that his wife would love him always no matter what. It took him 6 years to start dating again and at the age of 42, two years from this April he will be married 2 years and is expecting a baby girl in March. His kids are so excited to have a new baby sister. We talked about this one day and he told me that when he started dating the first thing he would do was introduce his date to his wife, and his wife now understands and continues to help him and his children heal.
I know this is not the same as your loss but I just wanted to relate to you that moving forward is very important and taking Jesse with you is just as important which I know you intend to do. I agree with Mr. Gordon that you have been alone without Jesse for almost four years and he would want you to move forward.
I will pray for you, Jesse and your kids that you find peace and happiness in your life. And 2009 everything will be fine.

Mark
WPD (Retired)

January 7, 2009

HAPPY NEW YEAR, Jes!!

The kids and I went to a party at our neighbor's last night it was a really great time. It's the first time either of them stayed up past midnight - they were tired but held up pretty good. Then this morning Savannah slept until almost 11:00 (unheard of for her!!) and Jacob slept until a little after noon. It will probably take us 2 days to get back on our regular schedule.

All of our neighbors are really nice, you would have really liked them all. I think you would especially like Tony I think you guys would have become good friends. It's kind of cool even though our houses are spread out so much we are starting to feel like a neighborhood. All the kids are around the same ages (Savannah is the oldest) and they all get along really well. You would be very happy living here. I love living here, I had given some thought after you died to moving away but for now I think we will stay where we are.

The kids are both doing really well in school, you would be so proud of them. Savannah is in the gifted class she is so smart, she's reading something like 350 words per minute her teacher said it's difficult to actually test her because she's so far off the chart for her grade. She does well in every subject but lately has been grumbling about how much she "hates" math - and it's hard for me to help her because I was never good at it myself and they're doing a new math program that is so different from what we learned I don't even understand it! There is a show the kids like to watch called "Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader" and I have to say that I'm probably not even smarter than a 4rth grader at this point.

Jacob is doing really well, too. He's wrestling now which is turning out to be a challenge for both of us - it's really hard for me to watch his matches, and after every match so far he has cried and said he wants to quit. I told him that he has to finish out the season, he needs to at least give himself the chance to learn more and improve before he makes a decision whether or not he likes it. It would be even harder if he quit now and then tried to get back into it later - he's the perfect age and weight to be a novice. His coaches are really great and they give him a lot of support and encouragement - plus they think he's got a true natural ability for wrestling. He was "King of the Mat" last week and was the best at the Cement Job out of his entire team. So we'll see.....

I can't believe it's 2009 - time just seems to pass so quickly. You've missed a lot with the kids but I know you are with us and watching over our lives. Life has been insane lately but with a New Year comes new beginnings, fresh starts and renewed hope. Laura Segatti gave me burberry scented taper candles and told me that if you burn them on New Year's Eve and let them burn through midnight until morning that you will have good things in the coming year, and that the smaller the candle is when it burns out the better the luck (she actually gave them to me last year and I forgot to burn them) so last night I was trying to figure out a way to burn them safely while we weren't home (maybe in the tub?) but finally decided that burning my house down on New Year's Eve was probably NOT a good idea. So I didn't burn them. But I still think that this year is going to bring me and the kids lots of good things. Remember how we always made a rhyme with the year well all I could come up with was "2009, everything will be fine" (actually, H came up with it) but I like it, and the crazy thing is I actually believe it. 2009, everything will be fine.

We love you, Jes. We love you and miss you and wish you were here with us. Happy New Year in Heaven.
Always and Forever.
Carin

Anonymous

January 1, 2009

Carin,

I know there are people in this world that have no idea what it is like to be a young widow and raise two young children without a father. My mother's first husband was killed in WWII, she was 24 years old with two young children. There was no pension and since he was missing in action there was no immediate compensation from the Government. She married my father 2 1/2 years later and had 3 more children during a marriage that lasted 54 years until my Dad passed away. I would sit and talk with her in later years and she would tell me that you never forget the first love and you tuck that person and all the happy memories you shared together in a special place in your heart and you go on with a new life with someone else who will hopefully understand that you love that person too and there is more than enough room in your heart for those special memories and love you have for them also. I know Jesse would want you to go on with your life and if the roles were reversed, I know you would want him to go on with his life. People can be ignorant, for they don't bat an eye when someone who is divorced goes on with their life and remarries, some of them 4 times. You have waited almost 4 years and that should be acceptable by all the critics in the world who have not walked in your shoes. Never feel guilty that you are betraying Jesse, you were faithful to him and his children and gave him a good life and loved him beyond words and still do. He would never be mad if you moved forward with your life. Take care as I worry about you and think of you often.

Bob Gordon
Father of Chicgo Officer: Michael P. Gordon, EOW: 8/8/04

December 26, 2008

Jesse, is it hardly believeable that Christmas 2008 is here, and will soon be gone. We're thinking of you and are especially hoping that Carin and Savannah and Jacob have some how found it easier to cope with your loss. I hardly think that is possible, but in all that is said and written about death, it is said that time has a way of healing all things. I just hope that Carin and the kids know that you are thought of all the time, as they are, and that with all our heart we wish them a Christmas where memories can be shared but that there is hope and prayer for their future.

Easton PD Wife

December 26, 2008

Merry Christmas, Jes.

Today was our 4rth Christmas without you and it was very hard. You would think the holidays would get easier, but they really don't because nothing here changes for us - you still aren't with us and I still have to do it all by myself. Buying all the presents and not having anyone to show them to, wrapping them all and making sure the piles are "even" (I'm not sure who is more concerned about that at this point, Savannah or Jacob), putting everything out on Christmas Eve and then watching them open it all on Christmas morning....it's really tough to do it all alone.

They got up at 6:30 today, early but not too bad. I finally got a new video camera (FINALLY!!) and I taped them opening everything, I'm pretty sure it took a total of 20 minutes to have everything unwrapped - months of planning, shopping and wrapping all undone in such a brief amount of time. It's frustrating, but also alot of fun.

It makes me think of our last Christmas together. It was in the old house, and I remember it as if it was yesterday. I can still see you sitting there drinking your coffee while I helped the kids open their presents. I can't remember what I got for you but I remember what you got for me - a gift certificate for that really expensive salon in Bethlehem. You and Shinday ran there on Christmas Eve and got there just a few minutes before they closed. I can't even remember the name of the place now but I did get my hair done there and it was a nightmare - I had a cut and highlight which should be pretty simple but the girl was new and when she rinsed my hair out it turned green. Not just any shade of green - Incredible Hulk green.....it was terrible but fixable it was pretty funny. I still remember the look on her face when she realized what she'd done (little did she know my hair often turns green!).

I miss you, Jes. I've seen this poem on other websites over the past almost 4 years that seems to sum up my feelings at this point:

A Pair of Shoes---

I am wearing a pair of shoes
They are ugly shoes
Uncomfortable shoes
I hate my shoes
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step
Yet I continue to wear them
I get funny looks wearing these shoes, they are looks of sympathy, and I can feel and tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable
To truly understand these shoes, you must walk in them
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes
There are many pairs in this world
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try to walk in them.
Some have learned to walk in them, that they don't ache as much
Some have worn these shoes so long that days will go before they think about how much they hurt
No woman deserves to wear these shoes
Yet, because of these shoes some day I may become a stronger woman
These shoes have continually given me strength to face the next day
They have made me who I am now
I will forever walk in these shoes of a woman who has lost her husband......Anonymous.


I have found how much people like to look at me (and other women like me) and judge how we have handled our situations. People think if we take any steps to try to move on with our lives that we are betraying your memory - that we didn't love you or that we somehow weren't devoted to you. But you and the people close to me know that you are always right below the surface of my being - it's hard to explain how I function day to day and yet you are on my mind constantly. People who don’t really know me or know what it’s like to be widowed so young don’t understand that trying to move on isn’t about not loving you and still wanting you here, or about forgetting you – trying to move on is the only choice I have because you aren’t coming back. Finding happiness again doesn’t erase the darkness, your memory is a shadow of heaviness that follows me every where I go, but our lives didn’t end the day you died (nor should they!) and I finally have come to accept and believe that I do deserve to be happy again. I remember reading a reflection on another officer’s site left by his widow after she had remarried and she talked so eloquently about the blending of her past and her future and how by marrying again she wasn’t leaving her past behind – she was taking it with her and that he would always be a part of their lives. That is how I feel too, Jes – you will always be a part of our lives. The only response I have for anyone who would pass judgment on me for wanting to move on and be happy is that I hope you never have to walk in my shoes – they are terrible, ugly, painful shoes and I wouldn’t wish them on anyone.

I've tried my best, Jes, to continue on without you. I wish you were still here - I'd give anything for you to still be here. It's been a rough few weeks I've finally realized a few things that I probably should have realized a long time ago.....I always thought I was a good judge of character but apparently I'm not and I know now that I've allowed myself to be manipulated and controlled in ways that I shouldn't. You always said I was so strong - a lot of people over the past 4 years have told me how strong I am - but I realize now that I'm really not. Or at least I haven't been....but I will be now.

I wish you were still here, Jes. I wish so much that you were still here. The kids asked me today if there was one thing I wanted for Christmas, what would it be (I asked them that same question a few weeks ago) and I told them that if I could have one thing - ONE THING - it would be a time machine, so that I could go back in time and stop you from dying and to make everything right again. I would give anything for you to still be here, Jes. It is so unfair to you and to us that you aren't.

Your son has had a rough time this past month without you. I'll get into it in another reflection because it's getting late and both the kids are tired and coming in here looking for some bedtime attention.....it's been a very long day.

Merry Christmas, Jes. We miss you and we love you and we wish you were here with us.

Always and forever.
Carin

Anonymous

December 25, 2008

Merry Christmas Jes-

It's been so long since I've written and seen Carin and the kids and I feel horrible about it but I've had so much going on in my life, as I'm sure that you are aware. I just wanted to let you know that I was thinking about you and that I have not forgotten. They say time heals all wounds but some scars never go away. They just get easier to look at. Give Colton, TR and Taylor a big hug and kiss for me. Until we see one another again...

Nick
Friend

December 25, 2008

Dearest Little Family,

I am thinking of you all and knowing how hard it is to be living this life, trying to mesh everything together and make some sense of what life is now. You are not alone, our thoughts are always with you.

Much love.

Linda Rittenhouse
Matt's Mom

December 23, 2008

Hey Jes,
The kids were over the other night to help put up the train platform, and it really looks great. When we got everything on the table Jacob remembered where all the stuff was supposed to go from last year. Savannah is really getting bigger every day. She makes those faces you used to make when you were being funny. She acts just like you all the time. Jacob is getting bigger and is wrestling at the school. We went to see him the other day and he is really getting the hang of it. You would be so proud of him.

Your birthday, your wedding anniversary, and another Christmas will pass without you and it breaks our hearts. There are so many places we go and things we do that bring back a flash of memory of you. When I am working on the road and I pass a place where we went together I have a warm feeling in my heart that I know you are watching over us.

I read the reflection wherein the person mentioned they had a blue light lit for Christmas for you. I think that's a great idea. I will talk it over with Mom and we are going to put a blue light on the lawn every year for you. That would be a wonderful thing if everyone who wished to remember you would agree to put up just one blue light for you and your friends on patrol with our Lord.

Love you

Mom & Pop

Pop

December 10, 2008

Hi Carin: Just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you and the kids. If you ever need to talk, just call.

Cheryl E., Quakertown
Friend

December 9, 2008

Well Jes, time is flying as always, thanksgiving has come and gone, as did all of the Fall Holidays, and now Christmas is right around the corner. I'll check back then, I have so much going on right now, but wanted to take a minute to remember, to remember your memory and your family, to remember that I am not the only one with stuff on my mind, and my stuff will pass, unlike some things that others have to mind forever, so watch over everyone, a lot of people are depending on you.

Easton PD Wife

December 8, 2008

My 4th Christmas in Heaven
I see the countless
Christmas trees
around the world below
With tiny lights, like Heaven's stars,
reflecting on the snow

The sight is so spectacular,
please wipe away the tear
For I am spending Christmas with
Jesus again this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs
that people hold so dear
But the sounds of music can't compare
with the Christmas choir up here.

I have no words to tell you,
the joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description,
to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me,
I see the pain inside your heart.
But I am not so far away,
We really aren't apart.

So be happy for me, my daring Carin,
You know I hold you dear.
And be glad I'm spending Christmas
with Jesus again this year.

I sent you each a special gift,
from my heavenly home above.
I sent you each a memory
of my undying love.

After all, love is a gift more precious
than pure gold.
was always most important
the stories Jesus told.

Please love and keep each other,
my Father said to do.
I can't count the blessings or love he
has for each of you.

So have a Merry Christmas and
Wipe away that tear
Remember, I am spending Christmas with
Jesus again this year.

Anonymous

December 4, 2008

Happy Birthday, Jes.

You would be 40 years old today - I turned 40 in September and it really bothered me, but I don't think it would have bothered you. You never cared much about your age.

If you were still here, I would have had a big surprise party for you like I did when you turned 30 - you would have pretended all day that you had no idea, and would have done a nice job of acting surprised, but we both know I never could have kept it a secret and you would have known all along.

We miss you, Jes. We hope you have a nice birthday in Heaven and that the angels are singing to you. We love you.

Carin, Savannah and Jacob

Anonymous

December 4, 2008

Thinking of you and all of your loved ones during this holiday season. The outside of our home is decorated in all blue lights for the holidays and one of those lights is burning brightly in your honor. Continue to watch over your loved ones, wrap your wings around them and protect them. You have not been forgotten.

Bob Gordon
Father of Chicago Officer: Michael P. Gordon, EOW: 8/8/04

December 3, 2008

Hey Jes ~

It's been a while since I've really written to you on here. I have so much to say to you, so many things to tell you - but you probably know them all already anyway.

I've been asking you so much lately to be with me, to let me know that you are here, to give me some kind of a sign to let me know that I'm not alone.......thank you so much for what you did last night. I know it was you - I know you were here - I felt your presence and your comfort. At first I wasn't sure (always the skeptic) so I went and checked on the kids - they were both sound asleep, warm under the covers, neither of them had been out of their beds. It was you. You came to me when I really needed you - thank you.

Things here have been really difficult lately - I've been an emotional wreck for weeks (actually months) and I'm not sure when it's going to get better. I've realized though that I need to learn I can't always fix everything, or come up with the solution for the problem. I've also learned that some problems are not even mine to solve. I need to just worry about taking care of myself and the kids - making sure we are happy and healthy and living our lives the best we can - and to let other people deal with their own situations. This may not be making any sense, but it is very clear to me.

I heard a Kenny Chesney song that describes exactly how I feel right now. It's called Spirit of a Storm.

There’s a spirit of a storm in my soul
A restlessness that I can’t seem to tame
Thunder and lightning follow everywhere I go
There’s a spirit of a storm in my soul.

There’s a hurricane that’s raging through my blood
I can’t find a way to calm the sea
Maybe I’ll find someday the waters aren’t so rushed
Right now they’ve got the best of me
And oh, it’s been a long, long time
Since I had real peace of mind
So I’m just going to sit right here
In this old chair till this storm rolls by.

Oh, maybe it’s just the way I am
Maybe I won’t ever change
So I’m just going to sit right here
In this old chair and just soak up the rain.

There’s a spirit of a storm in my soul
Every time I think it’s gone away
Dark clouds gather, that old wind begins to blow
The sun’s going to shine someday I hope
There’s a spirit of a storm in my soul, in my soul.


That is exactly how I feel, that there is a storm in my soul. And it's also exactly what I plan on doing - I'm going to just sit right here and let the storms all rage within and around me - I'm not going to try to control them anymore. I'm not going to try so hard to understand things that just don't make any sense. I'm not going to waste any more of my time and energy obsessing over things I have no power to change, things I have no ability to fix or to solve. Sometimes God calms a storm, and sometimes He lets the storm rage and calms His child - I'm going to just sit right here and let the storms rage and take comfort in knowing I'm not alone, that God's promise of a rainbow is at the end of the storm, that someday I will have real peace of mind and heart again, and that there is a plan for me and the kids.

It drives me insane that I don't know what the plan is, but I guess that is all part of the storm.

And thank you to the person who left the "say Jesse" reflection below - it's really beautiful and oh so true. Thank you for saying so eloquently what is in my heart. Yes, say Jesse to me - he was, is and always will be alive in our hearts, our lives, our words, our thoughts, our memories and our dreams. He is forever imprinted on our souls. Yes, say Jesse to me, and say Jesse again.

I love you, Jes. Always and forever.
Carin

widow

November 26, 2008