Family, Friends & Fellow Officers Remember...

Hey Alex ~ Great job getting all A's on your report card. I am sure Drew is so proud of you!! Love Carin

November 6, 2006

Chrissy ~

Your reflection to Drew is just beautiful. And so sad. You are right, everyone says the first year is the hardest but the truth is there will always be "firsts" they won't be here for. Every milestone, every accomplishment, every sporting event, every graduation......My heart also aches when I think into the future to that someday when Savannah gets married and her daddy won't be there to walk her down the aisle, or dance with her, or hold my hand while I cry. I worry about Jacob and how he will learn how to be a man. It should be a stern reminder to everyone who knows us or comes to the ODMP to follow and support us on our journey to appreciate the people in their lives every day. To not take anything or anyone for granted because life can change in an instant.

Our lives changed in an instant. In one moment Drew and Jesse were gone and took with them a lifetime of hopes and dreams......it's been 19 months and we are still trying to accept that they are really gone. Still trying to find a way to live without them. Still trying to find purpose and meaning in all that has happened. Some days are easier than others. And some days are really hard.

Sometimes it's impossible to find the words to describe how I feel - your reflection came straight from my heart, Chrissy. Thank you for being my friend, thank you for being my sister, thank you for being you. Love you, girl!

~ Carin

November 6, 2006

This is for all of you...each day is a challenge....I thought all the "first's" would be hard but when they had passed things we be better...well, I have come to realize that the first's just never stop coming...Alex's first middle school dance, first middle school report card (with all A's by the way)....CJ's first day on the new baseball team.. meeting new people for the first time...then I look to the future...the hardest moments to visualize are graduation and weddings...I start to cry the moment I think about sitting at Alex's graduation from High School without Drew sitting there with me....how will Alex get married with out Drew there to give her away...Each first is a little easier to deal with than the last, but still they hurt deeply...I go home everyday to my children...we laugh...we fight...we do homework.. we eat Wendy's...we do all the things that families do...then for a moment you realize something is missing....how much better it would be if you had that other person there....I hope that each and everyone of you reading this goes home tonight and holds your family...hug them..love them.. make sure that when the day comes that they have to continue on with out you that they have had as much of you as they can...I know that most of you already know this..but Drew was my everything...not just a husband, not just a father to the kids...not just a wonderful friend...he was my best friend...I will never be able to fill the void he has left..but I had as much of him as I possibly could while he was here..for that I will always be grateful....I can never thank you all for your love and support..you know who you are...I love you guys.. and I miss you everyday!!!

Drew...thanks for loving me the way you do...I love you always, me

November 3, 2006

Hey Drew, just sitting here and as always.....thinking about you, your family, and life! You will always be missed, I miss Chrissy, Liz, and of course the kids! I hope they are well. I have to run now, see you soon enough my friend!

Carin, God bless you! I hope you are doing better!

Officer J.M. Lane
McKinney Texas PD former Suffolk Virginia PD

October 29, 2006

missing you... badly...today....I love you Drew....always, me

October 27, 2006

missing you... badly...today....I love you Drew....always, me

October 27, 2006

Alex ~ You are welcome, honey. Anytime you want to write to me you just go ahead, either here on Drew's site or on my husband's site and I promise you I will write back. You could even email me if you wanted (mom has my email address). You take care of yourself - keep those grades up! - and know that I think of you guys all the time. You are going to be alright, Alex, and someday you will all be together again with Drew. Until then you just do the best you can. Love you sweetie. ~ Carin

October 25, 2006

carin - hello srry i havent replied in a while its just i have to maintain my grades and its hard to get them up sometimes thanks for being so supportive to me your like an angle your sweet nice and pretty and i couldnt ask for a better friend.thanks for being there for me

alex
im the daughter and thanks everyone who has been there for me i love

October 24, 2006

hey baby... I love you and miss you....life will never be the same without you Shrek!! Keep an eye on butts will ya...he is in such a bad place now....make sure he gets home safely! 19 months seems like such a short amount of time,but it feels like forever... I love you ...always, me

October 19, 2006

Drew, I just wanted to say that I miss you very much. I think of you everyday and of Chrissy and all the kids. We went to the Peanut Fest this past weekend and it was very sad for me because the last time we went was with Chrissy and we went to see you working there.....love you buddy! always, Les

Leslie
long time friend

October 17, 2006

Hey Alex ~

No, it isn't fair. None of this is fair. And maybe it's hard for you to believe right now, but at some point you will start to feel better. At some point you will not feel so sad, not feel so worried about your mom all the time and you will actually start to feel happy again. You will always miss Drew - he was such a good dad to you and I can tell how special he was and how much you loved him - but at some point you will start to remember him and not feel such pain. You will think of things he said or things he did and it will make you smile. It will make you laugh and feel good inside. Eventually - maybe in a month, maybe in a year, maybe in 5 years - your memories of Drew will bring you comfort. You are grieving, honey. You are grieving the loss of the best dad you ever imagined you'd have. And it could take you a while to get through your grief but I promise you, Alex, at some point your heart will not hurt the way it does right now.

Try not to worry so much about your mom. It's hard to tell you that "she will be O.K" because you have already experienced first hand that things aren't always O.K. But she WILL be alright, nothing is going to happen to her. Just take good care of each other and of your brothers and know that someday you will all be together with Drew again. He is safe and in a better place and will be there waiting for you someday.

I think about you every day, Alex. You take care of yourself.

~ Carin

October 11, 2006

drew its me i think about you day and night i love you with all my heart and soul...i miss you... and love you sooooooooo very much----alex

alex
loving daughter

October 6, 2006

Carin------hi its me alex, whatever song is playing or what movie im watchingit always has a little part that would remind me of drew or a certain saying well then i would have to go to my mom and sit by her because thats what made me feel better every morning my mom leaves before i do and i just sit there and try to belive that shes fine and made it to work ok but then all the posibilities of something going wrong always is there haughnting me, when my mom goes out with her friends and i call her and she answers i think thank god shes still alive but then i have to make up some exuse of why i called like are you having fun or when will you be home and then a little bit later i call again and then she gets upset at me for calling so many times. But i just wanna know that shes ok and i want her to come home and pull into the drive way not a police car ive been there and done that i know the feeling and i dont want to feel it again i loved drew with all my heart and soul and cant wait to get to the place where i can see him again ......its not fair----alex

alex
loving daughter

October 6, 2006

Hey Drew, its me again.....just wanted you to know that I was thinking about you, again! I don't know why but today was hard for me, very depressed! Just thinking about you this morning, memories and I guess missing "things" in general. I thank you everyday for watching over us. I thank you for You, Chrissy, the kids, and Liz! They are such great people, I miss them all! Matthew and Michael "Lil Drew" are doing great.....they are getting big. I really hope I can be half the father you are! Until next time my friend!

Officer J.M. Lane
McKinney Texas PD former Suffolk Virginia PD

October 4, 2006

Hey Alex ~

No sweetie, it isn't fair that you should have to go through this so young and it isn't fair that once you finally got a good dad who would be there for you, that he was taken away so soon. I know you have such mixed feelings about your "real" dad - of course you love him but you have every right to hate him, too. Like I said before, Alex, you deserve a dad who will be there for you. You deserve TWO parents looking out for you. You are sweet and innocent and nothing about this whole situation is your fault and NOTHING about this is fair. I'm glad you have good friends who understand what you are going through - no kid your age should have to go through this. I'm 38 and I don't want to go through it!!!!!

I look at Drew's picture - I'm looking at it right now while I'm typing - and I'll bet he was great. I'll bet he would sit and talk and spend time with you. I'll bet he was easy to talk to. I'll bet that nothing surprised him, and that you could tell him anything. I can see it in his eyes. You could trust him. Depend on him. Believe in him.

He was a good man, and I'm so very sorry that he was taken from you. I am so sorry, Alex, that this is the way it worked out. You deserve so much more.

I know that my kids probably don't feel all the things you feel - they are much younger. My daughter is only 7 and my son is only 4. But what I meant by my last reflection to you is that by reading your words, I understand that they might be worried about ME. They might be scared that they only have one parent now. I hadn't really given that much thought and I am so grateful to you for making me aware of that.

I took pictures of you guys during Police Week. I'm so lazy, Alex, I still have them - I never mailed them to your mom. I looked at them again tonight and I wish I could just put my arms around you and hold you for a minute - you are hugging your mom and your brother, trying to look so strong. But I know inside your precious heart is just broken. I wish I could make things better for you.

Anyway.....I need to give your mom a call. I think about her all the time and keep meaning to call but just get so busy. Isn't that terrible?!?!?!? We all get so busy doing things that we forget about what is important.

You take care of yourself, Alex.

~ Carin

October 3, 2006

Carin its me alex i dont want you to feel like your kids are feeling the way i do or that any kids at all feel the way i do im just saying its not fair for me or for any kid to have to go through this so young. its not like we can choose though what happens happens and for me loosing my step dad wasnt the first bad thing that happened to me. Now with my real dad i dont know how to feel he left me but hes my dad he helped make me so I love him but hate him and never want to see him again at the same time its complicated for me and all my friends know my life story so when im sad they help get me through the day so my life isnt that bad but dont think that your kids are feeling the same way but the only thing that they might be feeling that is the same as me and is the same for every other kid who has lost someone is deep inside you know that your strong and you can get through anything this thats why god picked your dad to take a way and then we sit there and think about when we might see them again and thats how every kid feels and i know that because im going through it so i can relate to what your kids might be feeling Carin i havent met you but all ready i can see how hurt you are im sorry for your loss -alex

alex
daughter

October 3, 2006

Hey baby...not a day passes that I don't think about you...CJ and I went to the baseball game yesterday down in Miami...so there we are riding along in the car and he says "did Drew ever go to Miami?"...I don't think so, I tell him...it never ceases to amaze me how they still relate so much to you...the hardest questions are "was that before Drew died?"...It's still so hard to believe how much time has passed...I listen to people talking about their lives...the happiest times...how they would love to go back to high school, mid twenties, before 30! I just want to turn the clock back 1 year, 6 months and 2 weeks....then you would be here....I would have made you late that night...then you wouldn't have been the one chasing that guy...then maybe, just maybe you would still be here...I think, maybe if we could have known, we could have done something to help you...but I know what that would have done to you...you may have been here, but you would not have been alive...so many people go through their lives never knowing true happiness...they hate their job, they hate their spouse, they hate everything..or at the very least they are not satisfied...we know all about that don't we...what it is like to live miserably with the wrong person for the wrong reason for way too long...but then a miracle happened...in just the stroke of the keys, there you were....and my life will never be the same...I know that no matter what, you love me...completely...totally....I carry it with me everywhere I go...I carry you with me...to watch CJ play ball...or to school to meet the teachers...they still try to call him Chris..uggg....they are growing up right before my eyes..do you see it?? I miss Skyler and Austin, but I know I will see them soon...I know you are with them too...helping them through this...we all feel you ....CJ says you are in his room...he talks to you...I know you hear him...Alex still cries for you....they miss their "dad" so much....I wish I was able to be there for the boys...It's hard so far away...One day I hope to sit here and write to you without crying...but I fear that day may be a long way away...I miss you Shrek....I miss you so damn much....I miss your smile...I miss your grumpy face...I miss the laughter...I miss your routine...getting ready for work...coming home...the sound of the velcro on your vest...I miss the car out front...I miss your complaining about going to court...or me working you to death with the overtime....mostly I miss you holding me when I cry...there is noone to hold me anymore Drew...I miss my love, my best friend...the one who understands me..who gives me attention because he knows how much I need it....I miss hugs...and kisses...I even miss our fights...at least you were here for that....fighting with Alex just isnt the same...I love you Drew...I love you forever and ever and ever....and ever...always, me

October 2, 2006

Hey Drew, I am the first person that Suzette called when you passed.I have been here for the ups and downs for Sky,Austin &suzzie.Ilove them so very much, you would be so proud of sky, he is is so awesome @math,football and most everything he dose.I am thankfull he has my daughter to talk to when he needs to.Suzette and I talk so much about Okinawa,Iwas also stationed there boy life seemed much easier there!I also have most of my family is in the LAPD,LASD,LAFD,so I do know life can be hard .Drew thank You for bringing yor sons to my life as well as your ex-wife it has taught me to learn their is much more to life and to spend more time W/family and friends.
P.S.Skyler had A great time @Cops for kiid camp.hope to write again soon L.W.

Lori Williams
Friend of Skyler(Drews son)

September 27, 2006

Oh Alex, my heart is just broken for you. Sweet Alex.

It isn't fair that you should have to bear such adult burdens on your young shoulders. Life has been cruel to you. Cruel and unfair, selfish and ungiving.

You should have had a dad looking out for you all along. It isn't your fault that you didn't. You deserve to have TWO parents there with you, every day, taking care of you. You learned way too soon that life isn't fair and things don't always work out like they should.

I wish things were different and that happy endings really happen. Maybe they do, sweetie. Maybe they do.

Drew was a wonderful man. He was amazing. He was a good dad to you and you deserved him. He shouldn't have been taken from you like he was. It was wrong, and unfair, and never should have happened.

I am so sorry, Alex.

You shouldn't have to worry about your mom. I know you do, honey, but BELIEVE me she is a strong woman and will take care of herself.

I wish I could take away your pain. I wish it all could be better for you, and for my own kids too.

Thank you, Alex, for the reflection you wrote to Drew. It helps me understand how my kids might be feeling and helps me see what I can do to make it better for them. You are going to be alright, honey. Hold on to your mom and your brothers......take care of each other.

Lots of love,
Carin Sollman, widow
Easton Police Officer Jesse E. Sollman EOW 3/25/05

September 25, 2006

Still here... missing you like crazy. When does it get easier? I love you so much.

Sis

September 25, 2006

Love you Alex, take care of your mommy....she needs you just as much as you need her. I miss you all!

Officer J.M. Lane
McKinney Texas PD former Suffolk Virginia PD

September 23, 2006

4,002 people, my heart was twice the size, until some idiotic freak came in and screwed up everything. My dad. But don’t get me wrong I’m glad I was born just after that thing always got worse. Well let’s get down to the facts I HATE HIM!!! But I love him at the same time. He left me when I was little, and I found out where he left to when I was 9. JAIL. I was surprised a little but after a while I got it. I was starting to understand everything it was all told every word it was all true he drinks and drives and everything else. But it couldn’t be, my dad is supposed to be normal drug free. Well I always think about why me. What did I do to deserve this? But then an angel from heaven or as I put it my savior. DREW, he became my step dad my hero. To me the best dad in the world. I can’t explain him really he just knew what I had been through and respected that some days I just needed a little boost to tell me that he’s here for me and yes my other dad was an idiot. Now some of you people friends or family will read this and think why would Alex share her life like this or hate her father. Well then maybe you should give me a call because even though I have to live with the fact that now I have no dad or no second parent to rely on when im hurt sad need help or anything like that. My mom is the greatest person on earth and that’s a fact everyone should know. When drew was alive I felt safe because I had 2 parents but now i only have 1 and instead of her protecting me im trying my best to protect her so I can have 1 parent that can be there for me forever when you guys are done reading this its ok you can cry or just say wow because that’s how I look at my life it’s a big roller coaster that you cant get off.

alex
daughter

September 19, 2006

did I mention that I love you? ; ) I miss having you around Drew....sometimes I can still feel your skin...if I close my eyes...I miss you baby.. always... me

September 19, 2006

Life aint always beautiful
Sometimes it's just plain hard
Life can knock you down, it can break your heart

Life aint always beautiful
You think you're on your way
And it's just a dead end road at the end of the day

But the struggles make you stronger
And the changes make you wise
And happiness has its own way of takin it's sweet time

CHORUS
No, life aint always beautiful
Tears will fall sometimes
Life aint always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride

Life aint always beautiful
Some days I miss your smile
I get tired of walkin all these lonely miles

And I wish for just one minute
I could see your pretty face
Guess I can dream, but life don’t work that way

But the struggles make me stronger
And the changes make me wise
And happiness has its own way of takin it's sweet time

No, life aint always beautiful
But i know i'll be fine
Hey, life aint always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride
What a beautiful ride

"Life Ain't Always Beautiful" by Gary Allan

Thanks for the ride......I love you more than you could ever know....it's been 18 months now since I've seen your smile....some days go by so easily, others are almost unbearable....I love you with all my heart.. always, me

September 18, 2006

Hey there Drew.....I know it has been a little while since I have last written and I am sorry. I have finally finished with the FTO phase and on my own. I have your pin on my police bag, the bookmark memorial that Chrissy gave me on my clipboard, and a rose from your grave on the dash of my truck! Not that I need reminders, I just know that you are there all the time. You are keeping busy going from here to Florida to Carolina and to Virginia etc....just always know that you will always be a hero to us all. I am proud and honored to have met someone like you!

Chrissy, love you guys......I read Alex's reflection, she is growing up so fast! Much love to you all! I miss you!

Liz, love and miss you so much, always know that! You, Chrissy and the whole family please be safe.

Officer J.M. Lane
McKinney Texas PD

September 13, 2006