Family, Friends & Fellow Officers Remember...

hey baby...I just wanted to tell you how much CJ misses you...he has one picture in his pillow case and that silly picture of you from the football thing...LOL...he has that sitting on the side of his bed...he always hugs that picture...He's just now going through the emotions of losing you...you were such a great Dad and he could really use you being here now...baseball...girls!! He knows you are with him everyday...he even sleeps on his top bunk now cause you are up there!! Thanks for loving him and making him feel safe, even today...

So tomorrow is the anniversary of the terrorist attack...I will be thinking of all the men and women who gave their lives trying to save others...I know you will be praying for those families too...To all the friends and families...we pray for your peace and strength...the entire nation was touched that day...not one person was not touched...we are all one...together...forever...

God Bless the USA

To my husband, the Marine, the Police officer...I know that day was a driving force in getting you into the career of a police officer...the Academy shirts show how much it meant to you and your classmates...I am proud of you baby...proud of the Marine...proud of the Police Officer...I am forever proud to be your wife...I love you...always,me

September 10, 2007

I will always love you Drew...you were the one for me...for always...I miss your laugh so much...the other day I swear you were here...I just felt like you were in the room....and I could almost here your voice...what I wouldn't give to hear your voice...just on the phone...so Alex told her friend about the "good morning beautiful" song...and what it meant...she has some amazing friends...it was playing on a radio or something...and they just hug her cause they know what it means to us...and CJ...boy is he sweet...he writes in this book now...he writes to you...I hope you can read it...and the drawings...the broken heart...I cried so hard with him the other night...I have started to write in a journal..all the details since that day....I think I only got to 2am....I couldn't hold back the tears...each detail...it just tears at my soul...I still see Scherer's face...and the chief...I still feel like it all happened in slow motion...the voices talking to me...asking me questions...I answered...but I have no idea what I said...Leslie...call Leslie...I remember...lol...telling them that she wouldn't answer her phone...lol...it was the middle of the night, I knew they wouldn't answer the phones...so they sent someone over to get them...you know, calm Leslie.."jeff!!!! the police are at the door!!" I'm surprised I didn't hear her at the hospital...jeff probably grabbed a gun...I don't even know...LOL...but she came right to me...to us...we were there in that hospital room..just you and me...and someone else, I have no idea who.. LT maybe...probably...I just didn't want to walk away from you...then later, I realized I couldn't go back...and I was mad that I hadn't stayed longer...just like at the funeral home...I left you that night...and it was the last time I saw you...and the next day the casket was closed...I didn't know....I was mad cause I hadn't stayed longer with you the night before...but we can never go back...not back the night before...or the night in the hospital..or the night you left....we can never get it back...I miss you....and I can't bring you back...I miss you so much ...everyday...I think about you...I love you with all my heart Drew....forever and ever...you were my true love...my one and only love...the one that story books are written about....we had it all...I hope one day that we will be together again....in true paradise...you and me..living above the clouds...and never ever ever having to feel pain again...never ever ever having to let you go...I promise...I will never let go...forever you will hold my heart in yours....I love you baby...I love you...always...me

August 27, 2007

Dear Drew, hope you know Skyler is thinking about you. He hopes to send you his thoughts on this site soon. I met him at COPS Camp and he really misses his dad. He takes good care of his mom and that reflects on you as his father. Think of you often as Skyler (how looks more like you every day) and Austin are always on my mind. My daughter and your boys have this cute love/hate relationship, I guess it's a teen thing.

Surviving Spouse of Montgomery County Maryland Police Officers Mark Filer 08/24/93 and Chris Orsborne 07/01/97

Surviving Wife of Mark Filer and Chris O

August 27, 2007

4 years ago today...can it be only 4 years? I felt like we were married forever...I remember how nervous I was getting married...a second time...would it work...would it be ok...what if it didn't like the first time...but you were certain...you were certain that I was the one you were meant to be with and you wanted me to be your wife...I was certain that you were the one I was meant to be with, but I was still scared to death...I remember that day like it was yesterday...when you came home from work, all proud in your uniform....you had only been out of the academy about a month....and Austin was there, but you didn't know it...and he snuck up on you...touched your back...made a squeaking noise...you were so busy talking to Eric that you almost didn't notice (you must have thought it was CJ)...so he did it again...and you turned...and did a super quick double take...and then your face lit up like I have never seen it...it shows in the pictures we took of that moment...your love for Austin was so apparent...you could have never hidden it!! How could we ever thank Kenny and Sherry enough for bringing him down for that day?!!! I remember I couldn't stop crying during the ceremony. Pastor Randy was awesome...Jessie was awesome....Mr Mahaley was so amazing...it was a perfect day...even the cake in my eyes was good, although I'm not sure I want to go through that again!!! :) well, my love, I miss you still every minute of every day...the kids miss you too...we went to the cemetary to visit the grave site of Sgt Reyka last night...I have prayed everynight for his family and that they find the people responsible for his horrific death...as we were leaving, CJ asked when we were going to see you again...I hope soon...I miss you baby...I love you...and I wish you were here to celebrate today with me...Happy Anniversary!!!!! Thanks for being my husband...you are the best there ever was!!!!!! I love you baby...always...me

August 16, 2007

hey baby...you know not a day goes by that I don't think of you...I still feel like you are here some days...like you are just going to call me at any second....hello beautiful...that's what you would say...what I wouldn't give to hear your voice again...I don't know how this happened...I look at your picture and I see a man so alive...with so much to give...so much love...so much strength...you didn't get to do all the things you wanted to do...I know you would have risen through the ranks as a police officer....but you had so much more to do with the kids...with me....we were supposed to grow old together...we were supposed to have each other....now the thought of growing old is just awful...I can't sleep at night when I'm home alone...how will I ever survive when the kids move out...I guess I will just have to move in with Lizzy B...shhh don't tell her...I keep teasing her about it but I don't think she knows I'm serious!!!! I miss you my love...I wish you were here...the house is great..you would have loved it...I wish you could share it with me...I love you baby...with all my heart...I miss you...xoxoxoxo

August 13, 2007

Hey Drew.....just sitting here thinking about ya! I pop in and read reflections that Chrissy or others write every other day. Just letting you know, I have not nor will ever forget! I miss you, I miss Chrissy, Liz, and the gang. I miss home........Thank you for watching over us, I really appreciate it. I will see you soon enough my friend. Until next time Drew......

Officer J. Lane
McKinney Texas PD former Suffolk PD

August 9, 2007

So I was looking around some of the other pages and reading what other people have written....funny how the words echoed my own...some of the those had gone before you and some after..and yet it seems like the pain stays the same...I keep hoping that it will go away....maybe one day....but I realize that it will most likely be with me always....and it's ok...it's ok to hurt...to miss you...to cry...to feel alone..it's all ok....I'm ok....I miss you so very much baby....I can't even seem to put it into words....everything good in my life, was better cause you were there...we were a family....we loved each other...the kids had a dad...it was so perfect....I also listen to what people have to say...many people say things like "it happens for a reason"...the other day I got an email that was about people in your life...how they come into your life...how long they stay...and why they are there....you drew..you were there to save me...to help me believe in me...to give me strength to go on....your heart wasn't able to take you through a long life..but for the years you were here, you made such a mark on so many people....maybe we don't like it, but we have to accept it...your dieing made a difference...brought people together...made us realize how precious life is and how much we need to appreciate one another while we are here...and Skyler...oh my...what a change in that boy! I know you are so proud of him and the man he is becoming! I miss him, but I know that he will never forget the love I have for him...he shows me whenever we are together...and Austin too...man do I miss those guys....that may be the worst part of you being gone...not seeing them...but I have faith...you are watching over all of us...you will make it better when you are able to....I hope that you are happy...I don't know how you could be...but I have to some how believe that you have such an amazing existence where you are, that maybe you can smile down on us and not feel sad that you are not here...like maybe time is flying by for you....and when we get there it will feel like you have only been away from us for a split second....not an eternity...which is what it feels like down here....here it feels like it will take forever to get to see you again...and will you still love me when you do...or will I be old and wrinkled and you will say "ewwwwwwwwwwww">...LOL I know, I'm silly....you promised to love me forever...till eternity...I have a song to prove it!! I will hold you too it ...don't even think about it!! I want to see you do your crazy dance again ok? you know the one!!!!! I want to laugh with you....and turn the hot water on when your in the shower....and I'll even let you smear cake in my face again...it wasn't that bad!! yeah right....I don't know how you could be gone...It still feels like yesterday when I last saw your big smile...I can still see it...I'll never forget drew....never...I love you...always....me

July 27, 2007

Hey baby...it's been a little while since I have sat down and wrote to you...things down here are difficult...I miss you...I miss having you here...laughing...I would give anything to go back to that time before...who cares if we never got a bigger house....so what if we were always just getting by, even with you working all that over time....Some days I just feel so alone....I want to go be with everyone in Suffolk...It's just not fair Drew....you should be here...we should be at Scherer's house seeing Caitlyn...we should be swimming in the Irwin's pool...you should be coaching baseball...and getting on Alex about her mouth....you should be here...Skyler should be here...if you were here, he would be here with us right now...we would be going to Bush Gardens or Water Country....We could be having game night with G-man and Li-Li...you and G would be riding the bikes together taking him on all those crazy back country roads...there are so many things that I miss and that I am missing because you are gone...I don't want to be here all alone baby....I just can't do it...I need you...I need you so badly....there is no-one drew...no-one for me...everyone else has gone on...their life is full...they have their spouse, their best friend...they have a life...and I have nothing...I don't know how to do this baby...I don't know how to be alone...and with the kids...always by myself...this just really sucks...soon it will be our anniversary...what a shitty day that will be...and then the big day...yup soon enough it will be here...and who will be here to get me a cake...to share it with ...no-one...just me and the kids...I really thought those days were behind me when I met you...I really thought that never again would I have to be the single mom...doing it all on my own...this is not what I wanted...this is not what I asked for....and I honestly don't believe I deserve this....I mean...where did I go wrong...what we had was so amazing...the love...gheezzz drew...how could that go away...it was love that would last a lifetime...well, I guess it did....it was your lifetime, but not mine...I'm not ready to let it go...I want to wake up in the morning and have all this be just a bad dream...why can't I wake up from this nightmare!!!!! I know I shouldn't feel this way...I should be grateful for what I have..and I am...but I want what I used to have.....I want my life back...I want to be able to be happy....I am so damn tired of being sad...you know CJ keeps praying that you will come back...but you are never coming back and that is just not fair....it's just so not fair....we need you....we miss you...we love you so very much...forever baby..forever we will carry that love in our hearts...wish you were here...I could wrap my arms around you....and you would hold me so tight....and then I would know everything is going to be alright...I wish I knew that...I wish everything was settled so I would know where I stand...I wish I could look to the future with optimism...you know me...I'm always positive...but this...this has just broken me down to a level I have never been before...I just hope that one day...one day I will see the sun through the clouds...I hope that one day I can smile again...I love you ...forever your wife...forever your love...forever yours... me

July 26, 2007

I love you...I miss you...always baby...me

July 17, 2007

Drew, I think about you all the time. A special song that comes on the radio and it reminds me of you.(niclelback) Well I have moved to Wake Forest NC. This is a small departmet. I still remember the first time i meet you. I still think your cool! Talk to you later!

B.Love

Officer B.Loveless
Wake Forest Police..Former Suffolk PD OFC

July 12, 2007

Life is hard...for everyone...you know I don't pitty myself...I am thankful everyday for the time we had together...thankful that you were gone so quickly...no pain...no suffering....and not at the hand of someone else...I know how lucky I am...I had your love...completely...eternally...and I have the kids...CJ misses you so much baby...I think it's harder on him, he is so sweet and wonderful...and he has the biggest heart...you filled a place in his heart that can never again be filled....Alex just struggles with the whole "I don't have a Dad" issue....she knows the reality, but she longs for someone to take care of her...be her protector...make her feel safe...I am just not enough...there are so many things I need you here for...to play ball with CJ...to bring Skyler and Austin home....to love our girl...who will do all those things for us? Who will be firm with Alex when she wears too much makeup or the shirt is too short? Who will throw the kids around and tickle them until they scream "I have to PEEEEEEEEEE!"....Who will be their proud Dad at baseball games, school performances, graduation, wedding day? Who will fill your shoes? How can anyone even come close to you? Noone will ever be able to replace you...but who will stand in for you at all those times when we need you the most? I wish you were going to be here for my birthday...it won't be any fun without you...and it's the big one...and I have to celebrate alone....you know how much I love that day, but now I am dreading it! And next month, our anniversary...that is one of the hardest days of the year for me...it's our day...the only day that is just you and me...I can't believe this will be the 3rd one without you....Remember the first one...we had a date..lol...we went to Bush Gardens...the kids were with my Mom...we were like two little kids...riding rides...laughing..holding hands...kissing...you were so affectionate...and you knew how much I loved it!!

I miss you my love...always....me

July 10, 2007

So I heard this song the other day...it's from a movie...a movie about a hero...a man who gives his own life to save so many others....and yet he asks nothing in return...I of course thought of you and the so many others who are here on these pages....you gave more than you took...and you never looked back...no regrets...you will always be a hero...we love and miss you so much Drew...always and forever...me

Can you lay your life down, so a stranger can live?
Can you take what you need, but take less than you give?
Could you close every day, without the glory and fame?
Could you hold your head high, when no one knows your name?
That's how legends are made, at least that's what they say.

We say goodbye, but never let go.
We live, we die, cause you can't save every soul.
Gotta take every chance to, show that you're the kinda man who;
Will never look back, never look down,
and never let go.

Can you lose everything, you ever had planned?
Can you sit down again, and play another hand?
Could you risk everything, for the chance of being alone?
Under pressure find the grace, or would you come undone?
That's how legends are made, at least that's what they say?

We say goodbye, but never let go.
We live, we die, cause you can't save every soul.
Gotta take every chance to, show that you're the kinda man who;
Will never look back, never look down,
and never let go.

...::Never let go, Never let go, Never let go::...

Gotta take every chance to, show that you're the kinda man who;
Will never look back, never look down,
and never let go.

We say goodbye, but never let go.
We live, we die, 'but you can't save every soul.
Gotta take every chance to, show that you're the kinda man who;
Will never look back, never look down,
and never let go.

Will never look back, never look down,
and never let go.

...::Never let go::...

Bryan Adams

July 6, 2007

Thanks for the cards....and thanks for the love...I miss you baby....I wish you were here...love you always, me

July 1, 2007

Happy Belated Birthday Drew......I didn't forget, just haven't been online my friend. Thought about you, as I always do, we miss you Drew! I was talking about you the other day with some friends at work. You will never be forgotten........I promise!

Chrissy, I know that day as everyday is hard on you. Love you guys and miss you.

Liz, you know better........I wont forget. Love you and miss you also!

Officer J. Lane
McKinney Texas PD, prior Suffolk VA PD

June 29, 2007

Happy Birthday my love!!

I miss you more than words can say...I love you with all my heart...I miss you more and more each and every day...all my love always....me

June 26, 2007

Happy Father's Day, Drew.

Chrissy ~ Thank you so much for the sweet reflections and the wonderful emails. I think about you all the time - we really need to sit and talk.....

Much love
Carin

June 17, 2007

Happy Father's Day Drew........We miss you!

Officer J. Lane
McKinney Texas PD

June 17, 2007

Happy Father's Day!!!

We love and miss you Drew!!! It's so sad that there are so many children who have to celebrate this day without their Dad's...I wish they could have had more time with you for all the "Dad" things that you used to do...playing ball...riding bikes...going to the park....Remember when we took you "out" for Father's Day to Sonic after church...I don't know why but for some reason that one always sticks in my mind...it was a funny place to take you...nothing special...but you liked that...you would always say something like "I don't care where we go as long as we're together"...It was always a sad day for you because you didn't get to spend it with Skyler and Austin...One day they will know how much they meant to you, if they don't already....I will make sure of it! I will make sure they know all the times you cried missing them...and how much you love them....You were a great Father...there are a lot of bad ones out there who don't get ripped from the lives of their children...it's really not fair...But you did a great job while you were here!!! They all look up to you...want to be like you...and miss you terribly!!! I hope you have a good day today and that you feel joy in your heart thinking of your children...we love you baby....always....me

Love from your kids....Skyler, Alex, Austin, and CJ

June 17, 2007

I love you baby....always... me

June 14, 2007

Hey baby...I can't believe I'll see you tomorrow...I can't believe how long it has been since I have been there with you...believe me, I feel so awful about it...but I will be there soon, and I will see you a lot in the next couple of days...I hope you are at peace there on that mountain side...keep my spot warm for me ok? and could you keep the rain away this weekend?! We could use some sunny skies to share with you! Going to see Mr Mahaley on Friday...the baby should be here any day now...thanks for giving me such an amazingly wonderful friend in him, and Geri...Can you believe Liz and I? I know...we wasted too much time when you were here, but you know I always loved her! I am so grateful that I have her as my sister now...she is the best ever!! She still gets really crazy with work and doesn't call for days...weeks...months...years...lol.. ok just kidding....she is wonderful...I can't wait to see your nephew Lawson...he is so cute!! Your sister shows him your picture all the time so he will know his Uncle Drew...even though he only got to meet you that one time...she will make sure he knows all about you and he will be as proud of you as we all are...I wish I could really see you baby...but being near you will have to do for now....I love you with all my heart and soul...forever my love...forever my husband...forever I will be yours...always in my soul baby...I listen to our song....it's hard enough, but that one line "on this earth or through eternity, I want you to know you'll always be"...I never knew it would be true so soon...but it's true...forever and ever...I will love you... I miss you so much!!

All my love forever and ever and ever... me

June 6, 2007

Dearest Chrissy~

You do not know me but I am very fortunate to have been able to connect with your dear friend Carin. My Husband was an Officer around the area where Jesse worked but became disabled. I suppose Carin will tell you all about it some time. I attended Jesse's funeral. I frequent ODMP and have seen your wonderful posts to Carin.

I wanted to stop in an pay my respects to your Dear Husband Drew and send love your way. I am so very sorry for the pain that you continue to go through. I hope in time you find some Peace. May God be with you and you family.

With love,
the other chrissy

chrissy gilbert
wife of disabled Officer Gilbert

June 2, 2007

Time is just time...it changes nothing...yet it changes everything...in time you will feel better...in time you will feel joy....in time you will be able to look back without tears....in time you will be loved again...but time has not come yet....still waiting....and yet, time has gone by...in just the blink of an eye....how can you be in two times at the same time....maybe if I write a letter and stick it in the mail box I will get one back...a letter from then...when I felt better...felt joy...felt loved...and there were no tears...maybe...maybe time will fly by...then I can be with you again...and there will be joy and love....again...I miss you my love...always...me

May 30, 2007

Happy Memorial Day, Drew. Thank you for your service to your country and community, both in the Marine Corps and as a police officer. God bless you for your sacrifice. Semper Fi.

Hey Chrissy, Alex and CJ ~ I'm thinking of you all this weekend. Every day is tough, but days like this are unbearable. Much love to you all.

~ Carin

May 27, 2007

Dear Drew:
I have never had the honor to meet you sir, but I was reading a reflection to another officer from here in Florida, and I saw the beautiful, moving reflection your wife left for him. So I want to return the favor, after all, you and your family will always be a part of us...forever.
Your willingness to do the job came at a great price, not only to you, but to your family as well. And yet, strangely enough, all things being equal, I don't believe that you would have chosen any other profession if given the chance. There can never be enough praise or thanks offered to your family that would suffice, save possibly one: they have an American hero in their bloodlines.
America has had her fair list of heroes in the past, that is what has made our great nation so great. And your actions continue that list. Your conduct is commendable, your sacrifice is remembered, and your tenacity is an example to others who wear a badge. Thank you for all you did, and may God Almighty keep you close to Him as you patrol the streets of Heaven; may He extend His love and warmth to your wife and children, so that they always are cognizant of never being alone; may He bless all the rest of us here who leave our families everyday to protect those who cannot protect themselves; and may God Bless America. Amen

Detective Ron Tomassi
Palm Beach Sheriff's Office-Florida

May 16, 2007

Drew, I just got home from DC. It was great seeing everyone again, hanging out with Chrissy and the kids. Skyler.....wow, he is growing up, Alex and CJ they are getting so big! Such great kids. This year was the first year I saw your name on the wall Drew. It hit me like a ton of bricks, I lost it. I miss you my friend. During the candlelight vigil, I bent over to see your name again....I was able to get a picture of me doing so. As I sat there looking, I began to cry. Very emotional day! Another Officer (I wish I would have gotten a name), came to me and shook my hand and gave me a hug. Telling me everything is going to be ok and to be safe. You again touching lives and not even realizing it. I am very proud to have been one of your FTO's, there was never anyone that came close to the heart and desire that you had to do the best you can! Thank you for allowing me to enter your life.

Liz, I wish you could have been there.....we ALL thought about you. Chrissy, so glad to see you again.....I told you I would be there. See you guys soon. I love you!

Officer J.M. Lane
McKinney Texas PD former Suffolk Virginia PD

May 16, 2007