Family, Friends & Fellow Officers Remember...

Hey Daddy!!!
I havent been able to get on the computer in a while. But i want to let you know how much i miss you and how i need you here with me so much right now.I know you are in a better place but i still want you here with me. Its hard without you. I dont know what to do. Today has been a hectic day at school so far and my brain is like going crazy! Im like reallllly upset today and i have no reason why. I try to cheer myself up but for some reason it doesnt work. I came to read the recent reflections and of course...i cried and im in the middle of class. Which is not a good thing. We have to go for this memorial for you. Then we have to fly to D.C. for a Fallen Officers memorial. Its gonna be stressful! At least Chaplain Bob is going. He helps me ALOT! School is going to be over in like 14 days! Its gonna be a busy summer...NOT! I get my braces off soon AND Brandy says that she is coming home like in August! Im really excited and i never get to see the little ones anymore(caitlyn and aadyn). I miss them alot. Mommy and Mike got married. Its cool. Im so sore! We went tubing last night and Sarah and I flew off really hard and yea it hurt! My hands and knees were red. I have bruises on my knees from it! Life is hectic all around but like I said I just find comfort that you are with the Lord. Yesterday was National Prayer Day. I didnt pray as much as I wanted to but the point is that I prayed right?! Well yea I went to Youth Group Wednesday night and im probably going to go to a camp for a week. John and Kendra are going to be there. They are so sweet and they ALWAYS comfort me when im having problems with you. I know that I can count on them when I need help. I could always count on you. I was crying in class like 15 minutes ago and Lindsey came up and hugged me. She is like one my friends that I can count on too and you always told me that those are the friends to keep close to your heart.
I have like 20 minutes until the bell rings to go to lunch. DADDY! I am sick. We swam in Lake Joanna yesterday and now im sick. Its not fun at all. I hate being sick. Well I am going to go. this is long enough.
I Love You.
Love Always,
Your baby girl.
Amber

May 5, 2006

Hey you,
Im still In Afghanistan,its so flippen hot over here ,Im baking-lol . I was sitting here at work (at the tmc)and as my " kids" (patients) are napping decided to write you. I miss you so much and as Im sitting here I have tears in my eyes. I miss my kids ,your kids,my family and most of all I miss you .. How are things in heaven? You know the only thing that keeps me at peace somewhat ,is knowing that you are in heaven ,and the only thing that keeps me from fearing death is knowing that I will go where you are if and when It happens. That is a peace ,knowing as a christian you have no reason to fear . I wish I was going to be in Washington with the family ,funny thing Governor Bush was just here in Afghanistan ,and I actually got the pleasure to meet him . Very cool ,b/c what I hear is that he will be giving your award to the family . You were brave ,you are my hero and I love you so much . I will never forget ...

Brandy Koester

May 5, 2006

Just wanted to say I love you baby and miss you.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Your Loving Wfe,
Ashley

May 5, 2006

We will be in Washington with honor and respect to hear your name read.

Linda Rittenhouse, Matt's Mom
Matthew Rittenhouse EOW 9/16/04

Linda Rittenhouse

May 2, 2006

There are so many reflections to read that it is easy to get lost in thought. I really enjoy coming here and reading and keeping up on your family. I am so sorry that you are not here to be with them. Though they seem to moving along great, I can read the sorrow in their letters to you. I am sooooooooo impressed with Amber. She has so much love for you. She is going to grow up to be a great young lady! Ashley seems to have strong determination to do what ever is on her mind too. I do hope she is cherishing these moments with all the kids. I know she loves them all very much, I hope she is living as though it is her last day here. That is one thing that we have all learned. Live life to the fullest everyday, no matter what. My motto in High School was "Life is too short, Go for it". Have fun watching over everybody, I am sure we all make you laugh at times, wish you were here to laugh with us.

Wife of a LCSO Deputy

April 27, 2006

Hello my love,
Well, DC is coming up very fast. I dont know if I'm really ready for it. I dont know if any of us are. I've been thinking about how much we have coming up. Sheriff called me yesterday to make sure I knew what time to be there for the local memorial. They moved the police week memorial up a week here because of the trial starting the week it was planned for. We are so lucky to have been able to work with such a great agency. Speaking of, I've pretty much made my decision on which conditional I'm taking. Some of our co-workers think I should take the other but I think you have to go where you fit, where your comfortable. But, regardless, its a tough decision between them. They are exceptional departments and if I could get dual sworn it would be even better. Maybe one day.
This past weekend, I took a motorcycle class. I have been so scared of them for so long, I couldnt believe how easy it was to pick up. The class was great and it teaches you alot. The instructors were fantastic and very very patient. They really put you at ease. I bought a smaller bike today so I can ride around the neighborhood and get some experience under my belt before I go and buy the bike I really want. Ive been thinking about your bike, wishing now that I should of waiting before selling it to your brother. But, I would of never dreamed at the time that I would learn to ride myself. Amazing, huh!!
I love you baby so very much. You know, for so many months life just seemed like it was at a stand still. Like you were on auto-pilot. Making decisions when you had to. Not even sure if they were the right ones. Now, with so much coming up in such a short period of time, it can still make you feel very much overwelmed but I know deep down that I'm going to be able handle it. That our whole family is going to be ok. I believe the Lord would never give us more than we can handle. How we choose to handle it comes from within us. I know now, I have an inner strength that will get me through many hard times yet to come.
I love you baby and miss you so very much. Keep our little ones tucked under your wing. Watch over our brothers/sisters. Some are having a tougher times than others. You are they're Guardian Angel. Go with them on the road and help them get safely home each night. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Your Loving Wife,
Ashley

April 26, 2006

Hey baby,
I'm so proud to tell you Jamie got the best news today. She brought home a letter today from the United States Achievement Academy. She won the USAA National Art Award!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Apparenlty it is a very pretigious award. Schools from all over the country send the name of the students to the academy. It's one of the highest awards you can recieve as a student. I've been floating all night with this news. You should see her face. She is beside herself. The achievement academy prints a yearbook every year of their winners for different types of categories. Each award winner has a full page biography on themselves as well as some news release type thing. I have to fill out her paperwork and send it back in. I'm so excited for her. She is also is eligible for one of 250 cash scholarships. Then, with the Art Schools that have been sending her letters, she would have money for extra things they would need. If she choose that route. Wow, this is such wonderful news. Good for her!!! You know, all she has done since she was a small toddler was draw, 24-7. It has really paid off. Even though she wont be in high school until next year, this will be able to go on her college application, which is fantastic.
Alright, I love you baby and miss you so much. Kids send you big hugs and kisses. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Your Loving Wife,
Ashley

April 20, 2006

Heyyy Dadddddyyyy!
I love you and miss you bunches!
Like lots ans lots!You have no idea lol.
Well i entered this poetry contest. I have already posted it and yea.. hehe i dont know what to say.
Well im going to go b/c i have a uber big headache!
Talk to you later.
Love You.
♥
Ur Baby Girl
...*AmberNicole*...

April 19, 2006

Hi Ashley,
Happy Easter back to you! It's been a pretty odd week...I couldn't really put my finger on the reason I was feeling so emotional but then I realized that this Easter kind of feels like a first for me since I was pretty numb last year at this time....I didn't realize that I was numb until it wore off and the intensity of everything hit me about 4 months into my loss.

Your right about the good days and the tough days still being here but everyday is easier when it's taken one day at a time...funny how I never truly understood that phrase, until Michael's death....speaking of tough times, though, it sounds like you and your family are in for quite a few difficult days ahead with the trial coming up. I'll pray that you are given strength and peace during this part of your journey. Take care

Denise Scarbrough

April 16, 2006

Dear Ashley,My name is Terry Miyares, and I am also a surviving spouse, my husband Emilio was killed in line of duty 11/6/86, I am also from Florida and I am the COPS Natinal Gulf Region Trustee, I read in one of your reflections that you will be attending NPW in DC.

Take care and God Bless you,

Terry Miyares, surviving spouse,
Officer Emilio Miyares, Hialeah Pd, Fl 11/6/6

April 16, 2006

Hey baby,
Happy Easter!!!!! We love you and miss you so much.
Thinking about you and wishing you were here with us. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Ashley, Jamie And Jordan

April 16, 2006

You are all in our prayers during the trial and always.

April 15, 2006

Hey baby,
Well, tomorrow is Easter, our second one without you. The kids are sleep. The house is very quiet. I'm sitting in the office with a cup of coffee staring at your priceless possessions. We are having people over tomorrow. This will be our first Easter in our new home. Still, it will be a sad day. I won't be taking pictures you coloring eggs or hiding them for the kids. I'll miss you coming up behind me while I'm cooking , wrapping your arms around me and giving me a " Just because I love you" hug and kiss, like you always did. Sooo many of the little things I miss the most. I'm being very sentimental right now, I guess.
This has been a very long week. I went to a motion/surpression hearing a few days ago. It was the first time I saw him. I know you must have been there with me, holding me close. I felt your strength with me that day. Words cannot describe how I felt the first time I laid eyes on him, in person, not on a television set or in a newspaper article. Grief, anger, rage, hostility, pain. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs all that he has taken away from us. I wanted everyone to know how life will never be the same again because of what he did. But, it would do no good. I will get the chance to say everything I want to say, the day of his sentencing. That will have to be enough, for now.
I ran into Linda at the courthouse while I was there. We talked briefly again about Washington. She is trying desparately to make sure they have left nothing out for our trip. I see the worry in her face. But, I know she has done everything she possibly can to make sure no detail was left out or missed. She is such a special lady who does not understand how much she touched my heart 14 months ago. She was definitely one of my rocks that first week. I admire her so much. Not just for what she has done for the family but who she is. Everything she does comes from her heart.
Jill is another one of my rocks. She was over again today, helping me plant the rest of the rose bushes. Her and Rex have been such a help with alot around here until my arm gets better. Boy, does she get cocky when I pick something up with that arm. Drill Sargeant comes to mind, lol. She even uses my first, middle and last name. Lord, makes you feel like your 10 years old again. Gotta be that mother tone of voice we all have. She wrote to you one day about how "respect is given but deep respect is earned". Well, she herself has my respect in spades but she also has my love. And you know how hard it is for me to give that away. Yeah, I know, I'm still trying to figure out how she got through that wall myself, lol!!
Well, I'm tired baby, I'm going to get some sleep. Keep watch over our little ones and the rest of our family. Everyone will need a little extra patience tomorrow. My prayers are forever with Bill, Tom and Andrea. As well as your brothers and sister Leo's. I wish I had the power to make it all away, for all of us. I love you baby and miss you so very much. Holding tight to all we have. XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Your Loving Wife,
Ashley

April 15, 2006

Praying for all of you during the trial!

April 13, 2006

Hey baby,
We love and miss you very much. Well, the last few days Jill and I have been tearing up the front flower gardens. It was becoming a mess. But, now, yard looks beautiful. Full of bright cheery flowers and pretty roses. The backyard is next but I think we need a few days rest before we tackle that project. Jill was a very big help with helping me get it all together. We have a veggie garden project coming up too. I miss our garden at the other house. One thing at a time, though. Today we had a big cook out with some of our friends. All the kids played in the pool and had a good time. All the guys got together and put up the waterfall fountain by the pool. You should have seen them. It weighs 1000 lbs and I'm sure they will have sore muscles tomorrow. Im so grateful to have such good friends. Well, I was on Mikes web page and Denise left a song by rascal flats that she liked. It was a nice song but I liked this one better so Im leaving it here. I love you baby and miss you. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo



My Wish

I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow
And each road leads you where you want to go
And if you’re faced with the choice and you have to choose
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you
And if one door opens to another door closed
I hope you keep on walkin’ ‘til you find the window
If it’s cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile
But more than anything, more than anything

Chorus

My wish for you
Is that this life becomes all that you want it to
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small
You never need to carry more than you can hold
And while you’re out there gettin’ where you’re gettin’ to
I hope you know somebody loves you
And wants the same things too
Yeah, this is my wish

I hope you never look back but you never forget
All the ones who love you
And the place you left
I hope you always forgive and you never regret
And you help somebody every chance you get
Oh, you find God’s grace in every mistake
And always give more than you take
But more than anything, yeah more than anything

This is my wish
I hope you know somebody loves you
May all your dreams stay big

Your Loving Wife,
Ashley

April 10, 2006

Hey baby,
We miss you and love you so very much. I took Jordan to to get her glasses fitted today. She was so excited. She looks absolutely beautiful. She's always been so tiny and has never looked her age, but me and Jill think the glasses make her look alot older. ( Oh lord, help us ). Jamie drew a picture of her baby sister wearing glasses and just raved about how good she looked. Jordan just ate up her sisters praise. She is such a great big sister. You would not believe how close they have become. They age difference sometimes disappears. Jamie's drawings are fantastic. She has won several art contests and I've been getting letters from art schools wanting her to enroll. NO WAY, at least not yet. When she graduates high school. Until then, she's staying with her mama. Well, I've been sitting here thinking about how much stuff we have coming up. Tallahassee, Washington, and then the trial. We're all going to be living off coffee, coffee and more coffee. I sure do feel for everyone around us. As for me, I cant sit still anyway, never could, you know that. Its going to be a whirlwind all hipped up on gallons of caffiene. Pace, pace and pace some more. Myra and Michelle use to laugh at me all the time because I use to pace around the comm center. I use to drive them batty. Well, I went up to the s.o today. I saw so many of our friends. I chatted with a few for a while. Made small talk with some of the others, like which agency I got hired at, how we're doing, etc. I know its hard on them. They still feel as if it was yesterday as well. You know, when I see the people Ive worked with for so many years, sometimes it feels like I never left. You get to talking away about other things besides the past 15 months. Other times, it seems like Ive been gone for years. I miss my shift alot. You get so close to the people you work with when you confined to one room 12 hours a day. Myra's famous excuses for coming up with every possible occation to throw a shift party. Yeahhhh, our first night back to night shift. Woohooo, someones birthday, throw a party. YES, someones dog had puppies ( just kidding on that one) but it was all the time. You remember. I had to make double recipes of everything. One for you and one for the shift, lol. I still miss all our crazy days when we we're slammed busy, stressed out to the max, ready to pull our hair out ( or each others, lol ) and all of us "hyped" up on coffee. The way I figure, if you have ten women confined to a small room for that long of a time, coffee should "NOT" be an option. But, whatever gets you through the night, Right? Like you gallons of Mt. Dew or Sierra Mist. Wow, Im rambling on like I always do when I'm tired. I love you baby and miss you like crazy. Im going to try to get some sleep. I know I dont have to tell but I will anyway Watch over our precious little babies and keep our brothers and sisters under you wing of protection. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Ashley

April 5, 2006

I just wanted to say I love you ,and miss you so much ,more thanI can say in words.You would be so proud of all your children ,they are really growing up beautifully ,I cant believe that Amber is almost in 10th grade,I remember when I watched the kids when amber was 1,they have grown so much ,and have loved watching them grow as much as I have my own kids .Imiss you .

Brandy Koester
b

March 31, 2006

Hey baby,
Just thinking of you and missing you very very much today. Watch over our babies. xoxoxoxoxo

Ashley

March 30, 2006

Amber you are such a sweet girl!! Your daddy would be soooo proud. Keep up the good work. Your daddy is still helping you in many ways!!!

March 29, 2006

So Like ...I miss you! Who doesn't?!?!
Well i am bored and i juss got done running. It was ok, it helped me clear out my head. It actually helps me. Yupp and now i am going into 10th grade! I'll be a Sophmore! Exciting huh? I think so. I must say im doing pretty good daddy! All of this would be so much easier with you pushing me!
You were the big teddy bear i knew i could count on. Anyways. I am going to church in the morning and my friend Abi is singing! She is an awesome singer. I love her so much, shes a great friend! Well it's Saturday and i have been babysitting Paige since Friday night.It has been fun! Well ...yea! She is watchin "Thats So Raven" right now. I remember when ou would sit on the couch and watch that with us....so much fun! The other day i ate pizza rolls and i remembered when you would get pizza rolls, fish sticks, and french fries and cook them then put it all on a platter and let us sit in the living room and pig out! Good times! Anyways i am like uber bored and Ryan is about to go over to his friends house and im sitting here watching Paige, STILL! Yupp, considering i have been taking care of little ones since i was like 6 years old. I helped with Jordan! I miss them.
I remember when she would beg me to let her sleep with me and then i would let her and she would play with my hair while i was falling asleep. Awwwwww. Daddy, i think about you every second! Oh my goodness, remember when you would make spaghetti stuff and i would walk in there and watch you and wonder how you juss were so brilliant at making that! Nobody could make it like you. Well i'm going to go. I will talk to you later. Love you. Bye
♥
Am
Ur baby girl

March 25, 2006

Hehe i loveeeee you!
♥Am

March 24, 2006

Hey baby,

Thinking of you today! I love to come and read all the many reflections everyone leaves. Sometimes I cry ( sshhh, dont tell, lol ) and sometimes I laugh, especially when someone leaves such a great memory of you. Jonell just had to bring up that poor woodpecker!!!! I'm sure he's flying around you giving you a heck of a time. I'm sure he hasnt forgot Vic's part in that as well. And yes, all those longgggggggg nights of cards and Rail Baron, my absolute favorite game in the world. I was so excited when you found that old game on line and bought it for me for christmas. Between playing at Vic and Jonells and our house with David and Gina, we just about wore that game out. Sadly, that game is packed and will grace our table no more. But good memories still. I'll have to make sure to get that picture of you and "The Chair ". Lord, that was histerical. So many good times we all had. And lets not forget the weekends after weekends of getting the kids up at the crack of dawn just so we could be the first ones in line at rock springs. You know, just about every cop you meet has a sick sense of humor. You were no different. They love to play jokes on their buddies. All the "crazy or idiotic" things they've done are most certian to be brought up again in front of everyone. I remember how Tom Mckane use to ask me if I've loaded up anymore 4-wheeler's in the back of your truck. Man, he ragged me for years about that! Just so he knows, I load all our 4-wheelers in the trailor now. Never again to break anymore back windows when a hurricane is coming. Well baby, I still keep finding film that needs to be developed. I finally developed the last picture I took of you. It was taken two days before you died. You were finishing the last bit of re-shingling on the A-frame in the back yard. That was another good memory. Me running outside with the girls pom- poms cheering for you as you were just putting the last few shingles on. You'd tell me I was "silly". I'd tell you that you were "crazy" and you'd alway say "about you". So many many good times. You know, Thirteen months ago, our lives changed forever. I get asked constantly how we're coping with your loss. Everyone copes with grief and lose in different ways. Some bury themselves under the covers and let life pass them by. Others find hobbies. Some move away because the pain of familiarity is too much. For people like me and Jonell, we keep ourselves very busy. You know the saying, stop and smell the coffee or roses? Most days, all I get is a whiff of the aroma as you pass it bye. But that works for some people. It works for me as well. I have never been one to sit still even for a second so I'm always trying to fill my days with errands after errands. If I cant find something to do, I certainly have been no stranger to Target and Sanford Mall. Sometimes it would seem so easy just to bury it all and not have to deal with it. But, whether you want to or not. Its there. If you bury it, it will come and hit you like a ton of bricks. There are alot of days that better than others. I wish I could say the nurses voice in my head was less and less but that would be true. Lord, how I wished it was. I believe Jonell would of beat that woman that day. Well, I came on here to say I love you and miss you so much but ended up writing a book. Keep watching over our babies. Please keep Bill, Tom and Andrea close to your heart. I know each one is dealing with this the best they can. They are forever branded in my heart. I love them dearly. Every Leo out there that day( the Hundreds), the waterman staff, the paramedics, the Flight nurse who ran up to me that day, each one holds a special place in my heart. I would do anything I could for anyone of them. Its so true that Leo's, fire and Meds is one very big family. When one Hurts, we all do. When one stumbles, we help pick him up. I wish the rest of the world was the same.

Ashley

March 20, 2006

Wayne and Ash,

Ok guys, I heard this today on the radio and got chill bumps remembering the night Wayne called the radio station and dedicated this song to his "best Friend and "soul-mate" Ashley!! I just wanted to let you know how much we love you both. Always, always hold dear the love you had and cherish each special memory.


"My best Friend"

I never had no one
I could count on
I’ve been let down so many times
I was tired of hurtin’
So tired of searchin’
’til you walked into my life
It was a feelin’
I’d never known
And for the first time
I didn’t feel alone

You’re more than a lover
There could never be another
To make me feel the way you do
Oh we just get closer
I fall in love all over
Everytime I look at you
I don’t know where I’d be
Without you here with me
Life with you makes perfect sense
You’re my best friend
You’re my best friend, oh yeah

You stand by me
And you believe in me
Like nobody ever has
When my world goes crazy
You’re right there to save me
You make me see how much I have
And I still tremble
When we touch
And oh the look in your eyes
When we make love

You’re more than a lover
There could never be another
To make me feel the way you do
Oh we just get closer
I fall in love all over
Everytime I look at you
And I don’t know where I’d be
Without you here with me
Life with you makes perfect sense
You’re my best friend
You’re my best friend

You’re more than a lover
There could never be another
To make me feel the way you do
Oh we just get closer
I fall in love all over
Everytime I look at you
And I don’t know where I’d be
Without you here with me
Life with you makes perfect sense
You’re my best friend
You’re my best friend (my best friend)

Love from us both,
Tina and Mike

March 20, 2006

I Love You Daddy !!!
I miss you so much!
Hehe well i just wanted to say hi and that you are the greatest dad in the ENTIRE universe!!!!
Hehe im sure you know that already and ... i have art at the high school
and some of my drawings are AMAZING ...you know how much i drew when i was little ...hehe i know and tomorrow i get to work with clay ..we get to make pots and stuff it's gonna be fun. Well in algebra 1 i really need help! you used to help me when i was in prealgebra honors ..remember?
Good times! I know it is not that hard but im kinda...not all there. I didnt get any "smart" qualitys..Ryan did! Hehe yupp and so...yea i miss you like uber alot(uber is a wird i saw ALLLLLL the time ). Daddy guess what!?!?! I am like a crazy child ...im always hyper and i have like all my friends kinds scared! Not really, they actually like the fact that im outgoing! Mommy and Mike and all of the kids(me, ryan , SKye, Billy , suzy, and joey) all went to the beach! It was so much fun! Maybe i can get mommy to take us out on the boat next weekend! That would be fun! Julia and Brittney were talkin about my 13th birthday party the other day and they had remembered how you scared us by turning off all the lights and junping out while we were watching "Ghost Ship"! That was fun ..they said that you were one of the coolest dads annnnddd they said that they miss your chili cheese dip!! They loved that. You know this past ...year has been hectic but i think i find comfort knowing you are in God's arms! i love you daddy! oh and i wrote a poem ..its sad but i think you will like it ...here it is:


"You're Gone"

By: Amber Koester




I am lost in life without you,
All the memories we had ,
The times we went through .
But now that you're gone,
You walked through those golden gates,
I wonder what went wrong, ,
But until the Lord's coming I can't wait.
You lost your life that one sunny day,
and then all of a sudden the sky turned gray ,
How I can't see you anymore ,
And now you're just a spirit,
Watching over from heavens door.
Yes I will cry,
And yes I will mourn,
But I will never forget how my heart was torn.
My daddy left me that day,
An evil man had taken his life away,
Now he is my angel from up above,
And now I realize how many he had loved.
Hearts will ache,
Tears will fall ,
As he will share one last moment
with us all.
I love you so much daddy
And I hope you never forget
That you were a great dad
And I mean you were the best!

♥
I Love You

Amber
Ur First Born

March 20, 2006

The Broken Chain

We little knew that morning,
that God was going to call your name,
in life we loved you dearly,
in death we do the same.
It broke our hearts to lose you,
you did not go alone:
For part of us went with you,
the day God called you home.
You left us peaceful memories,
your love is still our guide:
and though we cannot see you,
you are always by our side.
Our family chain is broken,
and nothing seems the same:
but as God calls us one by one,
the chain will link again.

March 19, 2006