Family, Friends & Fellow Officers Remember...

Brandy,
I come to this site every day because I love to see how many people you made smile, how many people you made laugh, and how many people you touched while you were here with us. Another Ohio officer was taken from us last night. It seems like just when you think that maybe things are starting to look up, it all comes crashing back down. Even though you may not know this man or woman, it just is like salt in a wound that was starting to heal. Not to mention it brings reality back to a whole again.
I don't go a day that I don't think about what happened to you. Sometimes something will happen that will make me think of you or your family and then sometimes I will just be sitting there thinking about nothing and all of these thoughts just take over and I can't think of anything else.
I guess I have lived a very sheltered life because never in my life would I have ever thought that any of us would have to go through this and we are the ones on the outside of the whole thing. I can't even imagine how your mom and dad and Cory are handling it. They are the strongest people that I have ever met in my life, and even though I know that sometimes they feel like they have to put on their happy faces, they still are seem strong to me. What a wonderful family you have. I want you to know though, that they have a really strong group behind of them. I don't really feel that there are worries in heaven, but you have to know that we are all here for them.
We all miss you Brandy.You will never be forgotten. You are a true hero in all of our eyes.

Friend

April 23, 2005

Bran - Hayden just left you a note - He is really bothered by all the news about the recent officer that just died. I suppose I shouldn't let him see so much, but it is a reality and he has lived it already, he knows the pain. I also know that it bothers him that there are monsters living amongst us that can do this to people like you. We took him to your funeral to show him how much you meant to so many people and to show him how proud so many people were of you. Your services were such an honor to you and I wanted him to see that and never ever forget you.

Hayden is learning so much in school, he dictated the whole letter and he even wrote some of it. Although I thought we would never get it done because it takes him forever to find the letters on the keyboard. He talks alot about you being with Keyta. He said one day at least Keyta was there to show you around in Heaven, hope he is, like Hayden said take care of him.

Sara's internet isn't up and working yet, but should be by next Friday so I am sure she will be writing soon. Well, its getting late so I am going to get Hayden off to bed.

Miss you, Love You

Mis

missy

April 22, 2005

Dear Uncle Brandy,

I miss you very much. The kids have a new house and they like it. I wish you could be here right now with your kids and with your wife. I wish you could see your new house. Everybody misses you. I want you to know another officer from Ohio has been killed, I am very sorry to hear that. I hope you get to find all of my pet fish that are in heaven. And Keyta too. I hope you find him very well and can you take care of him until I get there? I wish you could see your basement and I wish you could see your bedroom. and your media room is really cool, I know you would like it too. Tomorrow we are going to the Spring Game, we will miss you there. When I seen on the news about the other officer that got killed, it made me miss you and I asked Mom to help me write you a letter.

I miss you very much and I LOVE you very much.

Hayden

Hayden

April 22, 2005

Brandy,
I have been to this site many times but I have not been able to write you.I am going to try to now.First let me say,I would give anything to see you walk through the doors at work one more time.
There have been so many things that have happened these last few months.Some of them big some small but we would have talked about all of them.I laugh sometimes thinking of the hours we talked on the phone.You always wanted to know what was going on with Keith and the kids and was always eager to tell me the latest with Landon and Riley.There is so much I want to say to you but I just can't get the words out.Sounds funny coming from me does'nt it?A loss of words?There have been a lot of things made with your name and unit number on them.Wristbands,pins,and
decals.Every new thing that comes out we are all so eager to get one,no matter what it is.I think because it is comforting to have something with your name on it close to us. Aaron and Nick had a copy of a picture of you made for everyone at the office.Some of the guys keep your picture in their car,some keep it in their ticket book.I have your picture on the shelf in the family room.Everytime I look at your picture I smile and sometimes laugh.You always could make me laugh,you could make anyone laugh.Brandy there is so much I want to say now that I have finally started talking to you,but I believe in my heart you already know what I am thinking.Just let me thank you for always being there for me.Thanks for being there with Keith at the hospital when Keith,me,and the kids needed someone the most.Thanks for always listening to me and being someone I trusted more than anyone.Thanks for trusting me.I am thankful that I had the priviledge to be a part of your life.You are always in my thoughts and in my heart.I miss you so much.
Debbie

DEBBIE

April 21, 2005

I visit Brandy's reflections daily and I thought that I would leave a reflection today. It is very strange how I didnt know him, but yet I cant get this senseless tragedy out of my mind. I know that I talked to him on several occasions, but not on a personal note, just serving his dinner on the late night shift. It is hard to sit amongst the city police officers on Wednesday nights and sense the pain that they are feeling knowing that one of their friends is not there to share in the fun. After the first bike night, I read the reflections and I knew exactly what was meant by "wishing he was there". There is definitely a void there. I had a chance to actually wait on his brother, not knowing who he was, until he smiled and then I knew who I was talking to. I basically just wanted to let Sara, the boys, and Brandys family know that they are thought of daily by people who didnt even know them, but yet still care. I pray daily for police officers all over to come home safely every night. God bless you all.

anonymous

April 20, 2005

Sara,
You are such a wonderful person. I don't even know you but from what I have read you are an amazing woman, mother, friend, and sister. Most importantly, you are an amazing wife. How proud Brandy must be of you and all your amazing work. I see that you have moved to a new home and I pray that you find peace there and know that no matter where you go, he will always be with you and the boys.

April 19, 2005

Bran- Well, Sara is moved. The house looks good. We are getting your "memorial room" together. It is going to be awesome. Leaving your house in Marion was very hard. Sara walked through everything one last time, as I watched her I left the house to give her some time. She did ok. She will be happy here, this is the beginning of a rebuilt life, you will never be left behind, but always carried with her in the only way she can. I found a letter you had written to her. I cried when I read it because you wrote a poem to her and at the bottom of the letter told her if she was ever having a bad day for her to read it and think of you. You said "I will love you forever, no matter what happens until the day I pass, then I will carry a part of you with me and always be with you" You said you wanted her to be happy no matter what - I KNOW THIS IS TRUE. You meant that and you are sticking to it. You loved her and those babies so much. I am so glad to know that you were filled with that much love and that she made you that happy while you were here. She misses your life together. We miss our old lives, your memories are some of the best things you left us, we will hold them close as we walk into the sunlight.

Next weekend is Spring Game weekend. We will miss you there. Landon and Tyler were really excited when I told them that we are going to a football game. Mom and Mike bought all the kids their T-shirts for the game as usual. And of course, Logan got her cheerleading outfit. They are going to have their pictures taken with the cheerleaders and Brutus at the game. They will love that! We will leave a seat open for ya.

We love you, we miss you

Mis

Mis

April 17, 2005

So many reflections... It just proves even more how much you were and are loved. We all miss you so much.

Marion County

April 15, 2005

Sara,

I just wanted to let you know how very proud I am of you. You are a survivor. I am proud of how you share your experience with others so that they will be able to understand where we come from as those people who are left behind to pick up the pieces of our shattered lives. I am so proud of you for keeping your family together and are on your way to building this new life you have all been forced to live. And I am so proud to call you my friend. You have been there for me at some of my lowest times. You have made me see things in a different light when all I was seeing was gloom. You have made me laugh when all I thought I could do was cry. In your time of grief, you have reached out to me and for that, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. And to Brandy, please continue to keep standing behind Sara and giving her that strength to carry on and to honor your name as she has been doing so faithfully. God bless all of you.

Love,
Jenn

Jennifer Aaron
Wife of Ofc. Duke G. Aaron, III (EOW 07/20/04)

April 15, 2005

Bran,
Our little angel entered the world almost six months to the day that you were taken from us on tuesday april 12th at 5:53 p.m Gracelyn joined our family. she is so beautiful. Sam and I couldn't help but think of you when she was born and all the first time dad advice you would have given. watch over us and keep doing what you are doing up there.

April 15, 2005

Bran
Well today marks 6 months since all our lives were turned inside out by one second of senselessness. Sara and the boys are making the best of the life they were given and all of us are trying to get the pieces of the puzzle back together the best we can. Some days I still can't believe that you were taken from everyone that loved you. I look at the boys and think many times how much fun you would be having with them right now. Landon wants nothing more than to play ball and since the weather has gotten nice I try to make sure and throw him a few balls every time I am with him. He looks so much like you and boy have I seen a temper come out once in a while. He can be one of the sweetest little guys you would ever want to be around one minute and the most stubbon one the next. Got a little of both of you in him. Tyler is going through the terrible two's and have to laugh when Sara calls and she is trying to talk, deal with Tyler getting into everything and Landon demanding her immediate attention. She does good with them but at times you can see the stress she is under not having someone with her to give her a break. Just wanted to talk to you today and let you know that a day does not go buy that I don't think about you.
Miss ya Johnna

Johnna (mother-in-law)

April 14, 2005

Hey, buddy. Today is six months since you were stolen from us. On one hand it seems like the time has dragged because I think of you often and re-live in my mind what I think your last moments were like. On the other hand, it almost seems like the blink of an eye since you left us, and I think that's a combination of you comforting us all and the grace of God Himself trying to help us all cope.
I can't even estimate the number of times over the past 6 months that I wish something would've been different that last night; why couldn't you have gotten a flat tire, why couldn't you have gotten a 24-hour flu the day before. Over the last six months, I've thought about the situation and gone from the "what-ifs" to the more depressing "if-onlys."
I do take comfort in the fact that you've just gotta be in Heaven, there are really no two ways about that. I guess the pressure's on me now to live like I should and do what I need to do to make sure I get there too so I can see you again.
Rest easy, partner.

MC
Dublin, OH

April 14, 2005

Bran,
Six long months. Could it possibly be six months since the last time I heard your voice at the top of those stairs? Six months since I told you goodnight, I love you, see you in the morning. Six months since we had our morning conversation on the way to work and your way home. Sometimes we would pass each other when I was taking the kids to your mom's house. You would get on the Nextel and say, "I just saw a really hot little blond girl driving past me." And I would say, "I just saw this really hot deputy checking me out, I hope he pulls me over." Or depending on my mood I would flip you off to make you laugh and all the people around us would look... like did you just see what that girl did to that cop, he is going to go after her.

Time seems to be standing still. It is wierd things feel like they were forever ago but it seems like yesterday all in one. I try to write out as many memories as possible. I want the boys to have these to read when they get older. I want them to know what this journey was like. I want them to read these memories and smile. I don't want to take the chance that I will forget some little detail that they will want to know about you.

I did my speech for Victim's of Crime week. I didn't think I would cry but I did. It was uncontrollable. I read your New Year's Eve letter...I wanted everyone there to know what kind of person you were and what our life together was like. I think that letter really sums it up. I never thought that letter would mean so much to me. I hardly got through it. In my speech all my anger came out. I think it got people's attention though. That victim's or survivor's as I prefer really are angry about what happened to them. I am angry that my life has changed so much. I didn't want my life to change. I was happy with the life that I had. But it had to change because I can no longer live the life we built together. A part of me died that night with you. I am no longer the same person that I was and that makes me angry. I have had to build a new life and it scares the crap out of me.

Yesterday I put together a toy I bought for the boys. I did it all by myself. I was talking to Linda on the phone and she said, "Why don't you get somebody to help you?" I said, "Because this is something that Brandy always did and it is a matter of pride, I want to say that I can do this myself." I guess I am a little bit stubborn.

Well here is my speech from Tuesday.

What is a victim?

“Victim 1: an unfortunate person who suffers from some adverse circumstance 2: a person who is tricked or swindled”

I don’t really feel like that word. Victim implies to me someone wounded and defenseless. Someone in need of saving. I don’t feel like a victim. I prefer the term survivor. What is a survivor?
1. To remain alive or in existence.
2. To carry on despite hardships or trauma; to persevere
3. To remain functional or usable:

First let me share with you how I became a survivor.

October 14, 2004 5:30 A.M., my phone rang. Most people would panic, but I thought maybe it was my husband, Brandy, calling to tell me it was foggy and to take extra time getting to work. He often did that. I mentally noted to yell at him later for calling so early. When I picked up the phone it was my father-in-law, Rick, his voice sounded panicked. He told me, “They found Brandy’s cruiser upside down in a ditch, they are on the way to the hospital, get the boys up and meet us there.” I jumped out of bed and threw on some clothes. My mind was racing and I was starting to panic. A million scenarios were rolling through my mind. I called my boss to tell her that I probably wouldn’t be to work, I thought Brandy wrecked his cruiser. I put clothes on my three old son, Landon. I yanked Tyler, my 21 month old son, out of his crib and put some clothes on him. He looked at me confused because I was in such a hurry. This wasn’t normal. I remember thinking maybe Bran had fallen asleep; he worked so many hours and didn’t sleep as much as he should. My heart was racing and I didn’t feel like I could move fast enough. I threw both kids in our van and headed out for the hospital. As I turned onto the road leading to the emergency room, I thought it must be bad. My in-laws hadn’t called to tell me that everything was okay and to take my time.

I walked through the doors of the emergency room lobby as a nurse was walking out. I had Tyler in my arms and Landon was holding my hand. She asked if I needed to see a doctor. I said, “No, they brought my husband here, he is a deputy.” I could tell by the look of pity and shock on her face that the news wasn’t good. She hesitated then said, “Let me take you back to the ER”. She repeated this several times as I stood there staring at her. I said, “He didn’t make it did he?” She said, “No we couldn’t save him.” I know my heart sank, I know I wanted to cry but I didn’t. The news was so devastating that I just felt numb. I followed her back to the ER. My mother-in-law grabbed me and started crying. I heard someone say Brandy was shot. I grabbed Landon and took him to a room. I told him that a bad man had shot his Daddy. I told him his Daddy was hurt really bad and he died. That meant that we weren’t going to see Daddy anymore.

Over the next few hours I learned what had happened to my husband. A little through department contacts at the Sheriff’s Office but mostly from the media. He was sent on a disabled vehicle call. He picked up a man later identified as Juan Cruz. He offered him a ride. Somewhere on that ride Brandy was shot in the back of the head. My husband died doing a job he loved dearly. I always knew that it could happen but I never imagined it would happen when he was helping someone on a disabled vehicle call.

On the afternoon that my husband was shot Linda Pope and Angie McDowell were brought to my house by the Marion City Police Department. Standing in front of me were two woman that could tell me what was going to happen in the next few months to come. They sat in my kitchen and told me how I would be feeling and what I would be thinking. I thought they were crazy. I soon discovered that they were very right. They knew exactly what I was feeling and how I would be reacting. As I spent more time with this group I found hope. Hope that life could continue, that I could persevere. That I too could be a SURVIVOR. I would like to share what survivors can do to and for the system that serves them.

I have been in contact with another survivor from Maryland. Her husband, Duke Aaron III was rear ended at 70 mph by an impaired driver with a suspended license while he was on a traffic stop. He died several hours later on a blood soaked gurney with Jenn holding his hand. Jenn Aaron has shared some of her story with me. It took several months to charge the man that killed her husband because the State’s Attorney was on maternity leave. Apparently nobody else could charge him. In the mean time he received his license back and was driving again. When he was finally charged with her husband’s death, he was released from jail several days later. Jenn was never notified. The system forgot to fill out paperwork that would make sure Jenn was notified. She was never notified of trial dates. Jenn was not only a victim of an impaired driver but she was becoming a victim of the system. She tried to talk to her “Victim’s advocate” about the problem. She was told she had a poor attitude. Jenn went to the media and refused to be the defenseless victim that everyone hoped she would be. Now the State’s Attorney’s office, her husband’s department, and anyone else that treated her badly is quickly back pedaling and trying to make excuses. Jenn is a survivor and not a victim. There are more survivors out there that are preserving and making changes to the system. Krissy Vazquez testified to make sure laws were in effect that give drunk drivers a longer prison term when they kill someone. Linda Pope started the Ohio COPS chapter to make sure police survivors aren’t alone in their journey. Angie McDowell started Get Behind the Badge to make sure survivors never worried about emergency financial assistance. They are all survivors. They refuse to be victims of a crime.

Since my husband’s murder I have started my journey through the criminal justice system. I will start with Victim’s of Crime. On the day he died, a victim’s advocate from the local prosecutors office came to my home promising me compensation from the Victims of Crime Fund. I have been forced to reveal every aspect of my benefits, my life insurance, my previous years tax returns, my husband’s duties at home among many other requests. This is all to get money that my husband helped raise with the fines and tickets that he wrote. Money promised to victim’s of a crime, what more information do they need...my husband was shot in the back of the head. I am a “victim” of a crime. It doesn’t matter how much life insurance we paid for or that I received benefits from his job. He worked for those benefits and I deserve them. When I called to ask a question they refused to speak with me because I hired an attorney to process my claim. I have yet to see any money from this fund.

I have sat in court hearings listening to the defense refer to Brandy as a law enforcement officer. They refuse to say his name. I listen to the prosecution and defense banter back and forth and watch them make jokes occasionally. Like this is just a normal process for them. I watch the man accused of my husband’s murder smile in court. I have to listen to them talk about DNA evidence, my husband’s blood on the pants of the suspect. They keep asking for continuances for the defense to prepare, they don’t care that we wait in agony during all of this. All that matters is the defendant. This is all part of our wonderful system. A system that is designed to serve the defendant. Not the survivors left behind due to their crime.

I discovered after Brandy died that he was not the first victim for the accused, Juan Cruz. Juan Cruz was arrested for kidnapping, raping, and beating his pregnant girlfriend with a tire iron the previous year. He never showed up to court. He was later arrested on a warrant but released when the victim failed to show up in court. I guess that Delaware County Prosecutors office doesn’t pursue Victimless prosecution, maybe if they did my husband would still be alive. The system failed. The victim was not served, she was scared. She was a victim not a survivor of his crime.

I want people to think about the difference between a survivor and a victim. When more people decide to become survivors of a crime and refuse to be a victim. We will see changes to this system.

Love you. Missing you as always.

Sara

April 14, 2005

Bran- Been thinking about you tonight (like every night). The boys came over for a while to play today. They wanted to play outside and the sod was just laid at the new house so they couldn't play out over there. Once the fence goes up and the lawn is no longer sopping wet from watering it all the time, Sara will have to drag the boys in the house every night. They were soooo good today. I was watching them play, Landon is so much like you, every expression on his face are the same ones you always made. Tyler is so funny, he runs around laughing at himself all the time, just like you did.

Sara went to a Victims Rights seminar the other day, she was invited to speak at it, she came home and read the speech to me, I had to hold back the tears, she is so good at writing her feelings. Once they are on paper she can express them to people. Mom and I are the same way, but anyway, I wish I could have went because the speech was amazing.

I was outside earlier tonight remembering some of the things we all used to do together, the one that popped up in my mind tonight was the time that we all went to the Marion County Fair together. When we left that night Rick and I both said at the same time, "tonight was fun, it's fun to do things with Brandy, Sara and the boys" we laughed about it because we were thinking the same thing, then the next day Sara called me and said Brandy and I had fun last night with you guys. It was really funny we were all actually thinking the same thing.

I noticed something funny today, Landon was playing with Logan and he is so sweet to her. He is never mean to her, it reminds me of you, you always loved coming and picking her up and making over her. She is the only little girl and it was like we all shared the little girl in the family. It makes me sad to know that she won't remember you, she'll only know what we tell her. Our memories, not her own. Hayden on the other hand I think will always have some of his own memories of you. He was talking about you tonight laughing about how much pizza you could eat and never get fat!! Tomorrow will be six months Bran. Six long months, yet I don't know where they went. It's weird how they were so short, yet so long all in one.

I talked to Linda about the weird moments I've been having as I fall asleep at night, she said they are called Flashbacks - Flashbacks to my "old life" whatever they are, they are so weird, I think what is happening is I'm falling asleep but not quite out of it yet and I start to think that you are still here with us, then I bolt straight up in a panic and realize you are really gone. I'm ready for them to go away, if you can help me with that.

Well enough of my rambling, I just want you to know, we all miss you. We all love you.

Mis

Missy

April 13, 2005

When I thought I had your heart to keep forever. (Forever) Now I live with how it is, nothing lasts, never. (Never) I'm never in a place with too much time, try to leave my troubles far behind. Everything I did, I did for you. Now there's nothing left for me to do. I'm never gonna fall in love again, the way I love you. You know it's so damn hard letting go... Standing here, holding my heart in my hands Yes, I am... Trying to live every day the best I can. You know it's so damn hard letting go...of you. Every day's a brand new start of a pain never ending. (Never ending)
I can't erase this lonely heart that keeps on remembering. (Remembering) Every day I live, I live with you, and with all the things we'll never do. Heaven holds a place for souls like mine. Try to leave my troubled past behind. You know it's so damn hard letting go... Standing here, holding my heart in my hands Yes, I am... Trying to live every day the best I can. You know it's so damn hard letting go (so damn hard letting go) You know it's so damn hard letting go...of you

April 13, 2005

Brandy,
There is not a day that passes that I don't think about you and how wrong it was for you to be taken away. Eventhough we didn't stay in touch I always thought that maybe we would run into each other some time and catch up and now that you have been taken away that will never happen. Your family will always be in my thoughts and prayers.

April 13, 2005

Brandy,
I never had the privilege of meeting you but I have had heard so many stories about you from Sara that I feel as though I have.

I know Sara made you very proud of her today. Her speech was beautiful. The love she has for you is so evident in her words, her actions, and in her eyes. She cried during her speech, as she talked about you...it broke my heart and the rest of us were crying, too. She never ceases to amaze me. She is strong, intelligent, and she has this big, open heart that just sucks us all in. She is very much loved. I'm so proud of her and I am in awe of her strength and good decisions only 6 months into this situation. I know where she is...it hurts to get up in the morning. Every day is a struggle. Everyone thinks they know how they would react if this happened to them. I know I did. Then it happens to you and your whole entire world and future goes upside down. You want to curl up into the fetal position and give up on life. You have the choice to let it destroy you and become full of hate. OR you can use all of those emotions and do something positive. Like Sara did, today. She's a real survivor. She is such an honor to your memory.

I know you must be very proud of her, too. You chose her out of all of the people in the world to marry and raise a family with, so you know how amazing she is.

You guys sound like you were two peas in a pod. Her stories make me laugh so much. I wish I could have known you, as well. Your sons are so adorable and Sara is such a great mom. I'm sure you know all of this and watching over them right now.

Krissy (Vazquez)Ensoll, Trooper Frank Vazquez EOW 11/06/01

Krissy Ensoll

April 12, 2005

I've been thinking about you today, which is nothing different from every other day. I still cannot believe that you are gone. It has been six short months but it feels like an eternity. I cannot fathom how your family makes it through each day without you. It just goes to show how strong of a family you have. The love they have for you is the glue that holds them together. Keep watching over your family and friends and I will keep your family in my thoughts and prayers. I am truly honored to have known you and been your friend.

April 11, 2005

Bran,
We are keeping busy as usual. The boys are getting to play outside a lot and they really enjoy that. Bacon is going to "doggy college" today. He will be gone for three weeks for obedience training. Hopefully that helps. The boys will really miss him though. Landon wants to know if he can go to dog college too.

I think last time I left off on our second date. You picked me up at Summer's house. You had on shorts that were much too short, a belt, and your shirt tucked in. Luckily your shorts got longer in the last few years but you still always tucked that shirt in with a belt. During dinner you chewed with your mouth open and had ranch dressing all over your lips. At the movie you fell asleep because you worked nights the night before and hadn't slept. Your mouth was open and you were making some strange noise and had drool running down you chin. (Like I said some things never change). I can't remember what movie we went to see. After you brought me home I swore that I wasn't going on another date with you. Everyone yelled at me and told me I was being too hard on you and I should give you a chance. I moved in with you a few weeks later. I think it was the fourth date that I realized I was madly in love with you. The one where you met my Mom and sister. You about knocked them out with your cologne. Missy said, "At least he smells good" You looked at me later that night at your apartment and said, "I think I love you." Your enthusiam for life and sense of humor were contagious. We had so much fun together. I started cooking dinner for you. I slaved over homemade spaghetti one night. You ate it like you had never ate in your life. A few weeks later I made Ragu because I was in a hurry. You looked at me and said this is better than last time how did you make it so fast. I laughed and said, "Because it came from a jar." And your favorite story. You left for work one night. When you came home I had transformed your bachelor pad into a little home. I had candles all over and pretty blankets. I put Spud's in the trash pile and you had a fit. You said, "Spuds is not getting thrown out, he'll be worth money some day". Well Spuds came to the new house with us. He will always be with us.

Well I must be going. I have a lot to do today. I watched a movie last night and cried myself to sleep. It was the Notebook. I loved that book when I read it. It made me think of how we dreamed of growing old together. Watching the boys grow into fine young men, going to baseball games, traveling all over the place when we retired...All those things we dreamed of...I always knew in my heart you would take care of me no matter what happened. I could get old, senile, have hair growing out my ears whatever and you would still love me to the very end....

Missing you as always. Love you.

Sara

April 11, 2005

I have been thinking of you alot lately. More than ever. It still hurts that you are not here with us. Everything seems so confusing since you've been gone. Nothing makes sense anymore. I know you know the things that are going on and I worry about that. I worry that you are disappointed in some's actions. And that breaks my heart. And all I can say is I'm sorry. I'm sorry if I what I feel is right, I only do hope that you know no pain in heaven. If so I am so jealous of those with you up there because I know you are cracking them up. You always knew how to make em smile. I miss that, so much. I've been told by people that they don't think I've had my breakdown yet. But I think you left me with so much laughter I don't think I need a breakdown. I shed my tears every now and then and that's enough, ...I hope. Watch over your friend, guide him. You know who I'm talking about. No goodbyes, just I will see you later. Love ya

April 7, 2005

Bran - I was helping Sara unpack some stuff tonight and she gave me a book that she got duplicates of... something someone gave her after you died to help the boys understand heaven. She thought it might help Hayden, yet somehow it helps me, I read it right after you died and cried and cried. Now I just want to write it on here, this is where you are...

The Next Place

The next place that I go
will be as peaceful and familiar
as a sleepy summer Sunday
and a sweet, untroubled mind.
And yet... it won't be anything like any place that I've ever been... or seen... or even dreamed of in the place I leave behind.
I won't know where I'm going, and I won't know where I've been as I tumble through the always and look back toward the when.
I'll glide beyond the rainbows. I'll drift above the sky. I'll fly into the wonder, without ever wondering why.
I won't remember getting there.
Somehow I'll just arrive.
But I'll know that I belong there and will feel much more alive than I have ever felt before.
I will be absolutely free of the things that I held onto that were holding onto me.
The next place that I go will be so quiet and so still that the whispered song of sweet belonging will rise up to fill the listening sky with joyful silence, and with unheard harmonies of music made by no one playing, like a hush upon a breeze.
There will be no room for darkness in that place of living light, Where an ever-dawning morning pushes back the dying night. The very air will fill with brilliance, as the brightly shining sun And the moon and half a million stars are married into one.
The next place that I go
won't really be a place at all.
There won't be any seasons --- winter,summer, spring or fall---
Nor a Monday,
Nor a Friday,
Nor December,
Nor July.
And the seconds will be standing still...while hours hurry by.
I will not be a boy or girl, a woman or a man.
I'll simply be just, simply, me. No worse or better than.
My skin will not be dark or light.
I won't be fat or tall.
The body I once lived in won't be a part or me at all.
I will finally be perfect.
I will be without a flaw.
I will never make one more mistake, or break the smallest law.
And the me that was impatient, or was angry or unkind, will simply be a memory.
The me I left behind.
I will travel empty-handed.
There is not a single thing I have collected in my life that I would ever want to bring except...
the love of those who loved me, and the warmth of those who cared. The happiness and memories and magic that we shared.
Though I will know the joy of solitude... I'll never be alone.
I'll be embraced by all the family and friends I've ever known. Although I might not see their faces, all our hearts will beat as one, And the circle of our spirits will shine brighter than the sun.
I will cherish all the friendship I was fortunate to find, all the love and all the laughter in the place I leave behind.
All these things will go with me.
They will make my spirit glow.
And that light will shine forever
in the next place that I go.

I know this place is wonderful, sorry we are selfish here and want you to be here with us. We miss you, we love you.

Mis

Missy

April 7, 2005

Miss you Brandy..not a day goes by that I don't think of you and remember memories.

April 7, 2005

Thought about you alot tonight.. Wish you could have been out with all of us. Miss your smiling face. Not a day goes by that we don't all think of you.

April 7, 2005

Thinking of you brother.

April 6, 2005

Brandy
4-1 about 9:30 I heard a big pop outside, Eric left for work shortly after that and notice my car was in a hit & run. Eric waited until the next morning to call and tell me what happened to my car. Eric was working a double shift on 4-2 and told me what happened to my car. I just keep me car in excellent condition. After Eric called me I then call the City Police Department and I knew you were looking out for me, because your brother showed up to help me and it reminded me of you. Thanks for your help Cory & Brandy.

Michelle (Winders) Mosley
classmate from Tri-Rivers

April 5, 2005