Family, Friends & Fellow Officers Remember...

Bran,
Tonight I watched the memorial video I had made. I hadn't planned on watching it but Landon got it out and wanted to watch. Both the boys fell asleep and now I am a mess. I haven't cried that hard in a long time.

Watching the part with the two boys tears me apart. I get so angry because you are missing how much they have grown and all the things they do now. I see that sparkle in your eyes and how much you loved every second you spent with them. All the pictures of the three of you playing and how they idiolized you. It is just so damn unfair.

I read the confession yesterday. It was enough to make me puke. He offers no excuse, no reason. He just didn't want a ride and he was drunk. What the hell?? He said you stopped the car said something then he shot you. WHY????? Would someone please tell me why?? Better yet I want him to tell Landon and Tyler why?? Was not wanting a ride and having bad experiences with police officers in the past a good enough reason to take away a father, husband, son, brother, and friend. Had nobody ever just been nice to this man? You could have just placed him under arrest for walking drunk along the road....But you were being nice and just trying to get him home. WHY WHY WHY???? It is so stupid and senseless. I just can't get over that part. He doesn't even seem to care that he took a life. Not once has he ever looked remorseful that this happened.

I worked on the scrapbook for COPS tonight. I did Terry McDowell's page. He has that same shine in his eye when he is holding Seth and Taylor. That same pride when he is wearing the uniform. I looked through the pictures Krissy brought over of Frank. All those same ones, a young family. A couple so in love with one another. A playful spirit in his eyes. A father with so much love for his children. WHY for all of us....

This week is hurting more than I thought it would. I have no patience. I just am not dealing well at all this week. I just want to crawl in bed and not get out. I have to make myself keep going.....

Watching the video with the funeral pictures and the day it happened. It is like reliving it all over again. Images keep popping in my head. I can't stop them from playing over and over again. I hear your voice the last time you said I love you. Suddenly a thought will cross my mind and my heart will skip a beat. Once this week I felt like I was standing in front of your casket for the first time again. I remember I made Brian drive me all over the county before I would go to the first family viewing. I just wasn't ready, I felt sick and thought I was going to pass out. Finally when I walked in the door and all your family and friends were there waiting. I walked into the room and I saw how good you looked. I was fine. I just rubbed your hair over and over again because it still felt real. In my mind when I thought of it I felt like I was actually there again. Standing next to that casket and seeing you again for the first time in four days....The longest four days of my life. Now it has been almost a year. Tomorrow night at about 10:00 pm it will be one year since the last time I ever saw you alive. Standing there in your black adidas running pants and a t-shirt. Stretching from just getting up from the computer chair. Telling me you were going to go get in the shower to get ready for work. Could it really be a year??

I remember walking into the colisieum for the first time. We had just brought your casket from the funeral home to set it up after the family showing. The line for calling hours was already out the door. They had a barrier so we could look at everything before people started coming in. We all watched the video slideshow, looked at all the photos, flowers, stones, plaques, and stuff that people had sent. Then we made a line and the people poured into the building until well after 11 that night. There are parts that stand out in my mind and others that I can't even remember. Certain people I remember vividly...I remember taking Monte up to see you and laying your police and fire olympics medal in the casket with you. I remember the whole crew from Richwood FD giving me your fire helmet that they dug out of storage with the Plowboy nametag still on it. I remember looking up to see Rocky, Hedy, and their family standing together. I remember the whole crew from Union County, we went back to the family room to have a few laughs and take a break. Of course Jeff just wanted to know if Kim was there. I found the book Jeff let you borrow from Union County. It was in all the stuff from evidence. When I get it back I am going to take it back to him and tell him sorry it took so long, you were always bad at returning stuff you borrowed. Kathy never left my side. She was like a guardian angel hovering over my shoulder. Getting me a chair when I was tired, bringing me water, walking me to the family room for breaks. She never left my side for even a minute. Brian assigned her that task because he knew he might be busy with other things there. I remember finding John in the back of the colisieum, too upset to go in, he looked nervous. He had on his cowboy hat and you could just see in his eyes that a part of him had died along with you. Monica was running around frantic trying to prepare everything and make sure she did everything just right for you. She kept chasing the media off so they would leave us alone. The only person that made me break down that day was Maggie of all people. She walked up to the casket and just started sobbing. I just broke down. She is just a little girl herself, always being harassed by you when she came to babysit. My heart just broke seeing that poor girl trying to hold her composure and not being able to. Later in the evening I was tired and just wanted to go home to the boys. The line was still a couple of hours long. Kathy and Brian came with me and we walked the whole line thanking people for coming. We stopped whenever I saw someone that I knew. One lady handed me a flower for sweetest day because she wanted to make sure I got something. Some people whispered who was that as I walked by thanking them. As we walked past the concession area where they were serving coffee, Kathy pointed it out. When we were planning the funeral the funeral director trying to as nice as possible suggested we have a concession area set up because people would be waiting a long time in line. I just didn't like the word concession. I looked directly at him and said, "I don't want Nachos served at my husband's funeral." He explained he meant more like coffee or beverages. After I left that day and was talking to some people I got a case of the giggles because I realized that YOU would be the first one in line for Nachos at a funeral. You would walk up to the family with nacho cheese all over your lip saying, Dang good idea, nachos. As we walked by the concession area the Marion Area Harley riders in full riding gear were in line for coffee. I yelled out, Do they have any nachos? They all laughed. I had to keep my sense of humor to make it through. At one point Pete Brokus came through the line. He gently took my hand and said Sara I don't know if you remember me. I SCREAMED 412. He looked shocked, I said you were the loudest person I knew on the radio when I worked at Union County how could I forget you. A Columbus PD officer was standing in line behind him trying to look somber for the occasion and you could see the poor guy just about ready to bust a gut at what I just did. Still your little woman even in trying times. Matt's Dad came through the line wearing his Jeff Gordon coat. I said, How DARE you come to my husband's funeral in a Gordon jacket. He smiled and said, "I figured if anything was going to make him set up again and yell it would be this jacket!!!" The best advice I got that day from all the people offering kind words came from Sheriff Karnes. He leaned down to me, being such a big man he had to do a lot of leaning to make it to my ear. He said, "I have three words of advice for you listen to God, listen to your heart, and listen to the ladies from COPS." I have followed that advice to this day and I think he led me on the right path. A very wise man. I remember walking through the hallway at Marysville High School, both of us in our uniforms to honor Frank Vazquez. Sheriff Karnes was standing along the corridor. You nodded your head at him and he smiled at us. You were so impressed with him in his Class A's looking so big, strong, and wise. You whispered that was Sheriff Karnes from Franklin County. Knowing that you were impressed with him made me want to listen to him that day. You have been leading me this whole way.....

I better be off to get some rest, the boys will have me up early. Missing you more than ever before. I love you forever.....

Sara

October 12, 2005

Sara and family,

You are in my thoughts and prayers during this most difficult time. Please know that Brandy is looking down on you and is very proud...as we all are of you.

October 12, 2005

Bran,
I went today to look at all your stuff. I laughed and cried and wasn't really sure how to feel at times. Some of the stuff was hard to look at. I broke down when I looked at my wedding photo that you kept in the cruiser. It has blood all over it. They are still looking for the other pictures that you had in the car. I guess I just disconnected myself a little to make it through the day. I saw the cruiser and still haven't really processed it all in my mind.

They are going to do a release of evidence through the courts then I can pick all the stuff up. Your Dad and Cory came out also. We made a pile of stuff that we wanted back. The only things I was concerned about were the gun, your cell phone, and the watch Landon keeps asking for. Of course the flashlights the boys loved to play with. Your cell phone is in good shape. It was thrown out of the car, it had a small crack in it and is missing the antennea. Hopefully it will still work. I had to laugh when I saw the mean green cleaner. I remember the night you sprayed that god awful stuff all over the house. I thought I was going to puke because the whole house smelled like mean green. I told you to get rid of it because you weren't using that stuff in my house. I never knew you had it in the cruiser. Of course I put that in the pile, I just couldn't resist. I also laughed at the toilet paper from the trunk. I held it up to ask Lee what exactly that was for...he said, "Now that is one prepared deputy". I guess you just never know when you are going to need that. The candle brought a smile to my face. I told them all how you stole my sample perfumes that I got for Christmas. I later found out you were using them to make the cruiser smell good. The poor people you put in that car, I can just imagine a drunk getting in your cruiser that smelled like my perfume. They probably had to wander about you. I guess you had the best smelling cruiser out of everyone.

Corwin was telling us about some of the practical jokes from Sunday nights when you would ride as a double unit. He told us how you guys turned on every knob and button in Duane's cruiser one night. He called the two of you and you laughed saying hey my cruiser is locked up you can't get in it. When you returned to the office Duane had found a key. He had set all of your million and one items on top of the car. He cleaned the whole thing out. Then he smeared grill oil or something all over Corwin's windows. Lee was happy to hear how you all worked so hard on his nights off.....

Your office is changing in big ways. I didn't even know some of the people in there. Lee is a detective on day shift and Potts is the midnight Sgt. They have remodeled the whole inside, it actually looks like a real office now....

Aunt Marilyn cleaned the whole house for me today. Thank god for Aunt Marilyn. I hired her to come in once a week to help me clean, I wasn't much help today though. The boys spent the night at your parents. They took Landon out to get his hands measured to drill his bowling ball. Marilyn, Kim, and I went out to eat at House of Japan. Kim's friend is making me a wreath to take up to the gravesite on Friday. I told her something about Daddy with OSU stuff on it. I wanted something the boys could leave for you. I think we will get a blanket and set up at the cemetary for a while on Friday. Please don't rain on us.....

Landon bought a nerf gun with his allowance the other day. The darts have sticky stuff on them. This morning he shot one up that hit the catherdral ceiling about 20 feet up. There is NO WAY I am going to be able to get it down. So know the house has a little extra character with the nerf dart stuck to the ceiling. It will match the underwear that are stuck on top of the cathedreal ceiling light. I can usually reach those with a broom handle but just haven't tried. I guess Marilyn said the Orkin man used a tool to get the last pair off the light. The boys think it is REALLY funny to throw underwear on top of that light. Today when I asked Landon where his shoes were at he looked at me and said, "I just don't have a clue, Mommy." I thought I was going to pee myself laughing at him. Tyler bought bubble with his allowance. Then he played the crane machine with the rest. He won a stuff poodle with a pink coat and high heels. Sorry about that one, I know you would be so proud of your son carrying around a pink poodle with high heels. But he won it fair and square and I couldn't exactly tell him no on that one.

Well one year ago tonight we had our sweetest day dinner.....Missing you very much. I love you.

Sara

October 11, 2005

I will never in my life forget what this Friday means. I remember walking out my back door to let the dogs out and my heart was in my chest because we were going to meet the doctor at the James Cancer Clinic to see exactly what we were up for with our son. I took 2 steps out the back door and Missy and Rick's babysitter told me everything. I think we had been through so much over the past 2 weeks that it buckled me. I did everything to get ahold of Missy and finally succeeded. I didn't think about the day that the Erwin family had to face, I thought of all the kind words that I had heard about you over the years and my heart ached to think or your family's pain. I remember the pain of the entire day, but am proud to say that the biggest thing I remember is the love that your family showed me about you. This Friday is HUGE for many of us and emotions are in a rage for many different reasons. I want you to know that when I wake Friday morning, I will pray for not only our family but for yours as well. Thank you for touching so many lives.

October 11, 2005

Sarah, I have been thinking of you a lot with the one year coming up! We don't know eachother but you have truly become a part of my life. I stop by this site often and see all the beautiful stories you share here. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. Remember to keep your eyes on God and He will help you through this time.

October 11, 2005

Bran,
Well a year ago today I bought some lottery tickets instead of the snickers bar you begged me to get. Then I went into Krogers to get Mom some flowers and a little cake. I came out with a Snickers bar. I tossed it at you with a smirk...my little smirk to tell you, "See I do love ya babe". You smirked back at me I guess we could call it our love ya looks. I might mess with you a lot but it is because I love you so much look.....

On the way to the restaurant Landon had to pee. We stopped at a curve on Newman's Cardington Rd so Landon could pee. An elderly couple stopped to ask if we needed help. You laughed and said, "No the little guy had to go". They laughed back and went on their way. Little did I know that just a few miles from that very spot you would die in less than a week.

As we sat at the restaurant with the 10 of us eating and having a good time Landon had to go twice more. Once I took him. The second time you volunteered. You never think of those little things that another parent does until you are the only one left.

You wore your Law Enforcement for Bush t-shirt. Of course Missy had to tease you about that one. Of course I got the last word in that argument when I buried you in that dang t-shirt. Fitting to our relationship I think. I love to tell that story. I was so angry when I found those purchases on the credit card. Of course I got the Farm Ranch t-shirts that we cancelled a couple days after the funeral. They were supposed to go someplace in Texas according to the invoice. Somehow just one XL ended on our backstep. I took it down to John and told him you must have really wanted him to have it. I don't think I have been back to the farm since that night.

A couple of weeks before you died we went down to the party barn with the boys. We fished in the pond and took the boys on a paddle boat ride. I was sure we were going to sink in the middle of the pond. You always loved the party barn. John asked if he could have something of yours to hang up in the party barn. I need to take something up to him. I know you would love the idea of something hanging in that party barn. I remember when you and Matt tried to plan a law enforcement/firefigher camping weekend at the party barn. The two of you schemed away but never really got it off the ground. Maybe if I ever plan something to celebrate your life, I will ask John if we can make it a party at the Party Barn. That would be very fitting of your life. I remember when we were leaving that night you picked a soy bean out of the field. You popped it in your mouth and talked about how John did that. You said they were good. It cracked me up because that was so you. Taking something on full force. You never did anything just a little. You thought you were such a farm boy....And yes those were cows running that day we were driving down Rt. 4. They were not horses, cows do run CITY BOY. We left the party barn that night then stopped down at the farm so you could show Landon a cow up close. I remember thinking these people probably think we are crazy stopping to see the cow. But you always wanted to show Landon and Tyler as much about life as you could. If you experienced something you wanted to share it with them.

We went to a pumpkin patch this weekend. The boys had fun. They had all kinds of farm animals. They got to feed the goats, see a turkey, hold a baby bunny, and see a donkey. They rode on the bananna train and played all kinds of games. They each picked out several big pumpkins and a couple little ones. We are going to carve some this year. We always loved carving pumpkins. We did it even before the kids were born. Last year Aunt Marilyn and Aunt Marge carved some for the boys. They did a witch for Landon because when Marilyn came up after you died Landon made her watch Wizard of Oz with him over and over. I just didn't have the energy to carve any pumpkins. I had all the stuff to do it. I dug it out of the basement to use this year. I didn't even buy costumes. Tyler already had his scooby doo. Chevette took Landon out one night to pick out a costume.

I love you...missing you very much.

Sara

October 10, 2005

Brandy
Well it has been 1 year ago today since Mike and I got to talk to you. I was quickly reminded this morning by a sign in the back yard by two deer looking up at the house. Haven't seen too many lately but wouldn't you know today I would see some. Know that is a reminder of you still watching over us. It was one year ago that our circle was complete and we really had so much fun together. I remember looking around at all of you and thinking what my 50 years on earth had come too. I was so proud of each and every one of you in your own special ways. You and Sara had stopped and got me flowers and a german chocolate cake to bring to me. You all had went together and got me the bracelet with Hayden, Landon, Tyler and Logan's name on it. We giggled and laughed at Hayden telling the waiter about you diving for the body and going straight to bed without a bath and Mike coming to your defense as he always did with a remark about Sara. You three guys were always brutal with us girls but that was what was so fun about all of us getting together. If Mike has said it once he has said it a million times that you always laughed at everything he said. We really miss that alot. Things have changed so much since last year on this date. I know we are survivors but it really is so much work to get there and it has been a very long and rough road. When people say time heals I know they mean well but time suppresses the way you died and that starts healing but time makes me miss the good times more. Even with my mom and dad I miss the good times I had with them more every year. Know this is going to be a rough week for many of your family and friends and Landon and Tyler will not know why some of them are so upset cause they do not realize dates yet but they will feel the stress and tension around them. You need to watch over them extra close this week. One of these days they will understand and hopefully we all can celebrate the way you lived your life this week and not they way you died. Remember we love and miss you more every day. Go Bucks!!
Johnna

Johnna

October 10, 2005

Bran - Hey, well I had to write today. It was one year ago today that I last seen you smile and laugh. If I had only known, I would have stayed a little longer, joked around a little more (is that possible?) watched you love on Logan a lot longer and tease Hayden a little more. The sad thing is we all were out having so much fun that day and the following weekend our lives had been shattered. I miss my kids having an Uncle who loved them. I miss that Hayden can't run up to his Uncle and talk to him and that he actually listen with care about his silly stories like you always did. Logan is so much different now. She can talk (A LOT) and you would love seeing her pout - just like a true little girl. I know Hayden will remember you, I struggle that Logan won't. I know though that you will be a big part of her life. She will know you through our conversations, pictures, videos and memories. When we left Olive Garden that day we were talking with Mom and Mike about how our family started out as 4 and was 10 now. Then our circle was broken.

I can't believe it has been one year since I last talked to you. I am so glad for mom's birthday last year. I am so greatful that we all went out and had a great time together. Our last family gathering was just the 10 of us and we all enjoyed the time together so much. I guess that is a lesson to enjoy those times always because you really never know that they could be the last. This past year it's been difficult to enjoy anything, but we try because this cannot ruin our lives. We have to make the best out of what we have left, and I know you would support that. I know that is what you would have truly wanted.

Everyone has to do their own thing this Friday to get through the day. I will celebrate your life only. The memory of that day has been racing through my mind lately, I need to try to let go, I don't want to remember that stuff. I only want to remember everything up until that day.

I miss you being in our lives. I miss your smile and silly humor. I miss you so much. Thinking of you everyday. Love you so much.

Mis

missy

October 10, 2005

Brandy, you grew up about a block over from where my grandfather lived. I must say that whenever I drive through that area today, an overwhelming amount of sadness comes over me. Sadness in the fact that two parents have lost their oldest child, not only that but a young man has lost his one and only brother. Rick,Shirley and Corey I hope that one day you can find the peace that you are looking for.
Sara, I dont know where to begin. You and your boys Landon and Tyler were robbed of a lifetime of memories with an extrodinary being. I know that one day your boys will fully realize what Brandy was about. From what Brandy said of his family from our conversations, you and those boys were the top highlight in his life and it was just an experience hearing him speak of all three of you.
To Brandys coworkers, I hope you continue to keep charging through these tough times, i know that the one year anniversery is fast approaching and it will weigh heavily on you just as it will brandys family.

To the Winfield Family and to the staff at the Marion County Sheriffs office, may you find strength in each other in making it through the next few months and years to come.

Enforcer

October 6, 2005

Bran,
Oh Matt has the memories spinning for me. I remember you still had that stupid prank phone call tape. You would put it in while we were driving someplace. Then laugh so hard you almost drove off the road. I hated that tape. I would beg to put on some music. You would be laughing so hard you wouldn't even hear me. Thanks for that memory Matt. I would always be rolling my eyes and telling you how immature it was. However deep down I thought it was funny...I was just being a prude. It was funny just to watch you get such a kick out of it.

I picked the boys up today at your parents house. I missed them....I bought tickets for the Harlem Globtrotters tonight. Landon will love it. I already told your Mom that I am giving them the tickets for Christmas so they can take the boys. I got courtside seats. I know you always talked about wanting to take the boys to see them. You loved it when you were a kid. You were always into things like that. That is why I thought I would give the tickets to your parents. So the boys can experience some of the same stuff that you did with them. Hopefully it will be as impressive to them as it was to you. Also BIG TIME wrestling. You said you woke up on Saturday mornings to see your Mom screaming at the TV watching pro wrestling. You always embellished a little and said she was trying to body slam everyone. I think the boys will need to wait a few years to appreciate that. Plus it has gotten so adult themed in the last few years. God that makes me think of your hilarous bushwhackers imitation. Sometimes you were still 14 in your heart.....Mike was all excited because he saw Animal, from the Road Warriors tag team, at the OSU game. His son plays for OSU now. It cracked me up that Mike was more excited about the former wrestling star than the buckeyes.

We did a few of Landon's favorite things while we were in Marion. We had to hit the Blue Streak carwash. He loves to go through there. Then we picked up some lunch. We went over to the cemetary, laid a blanket next to your stone and sat for a while. We ate my lunch, the boys had fries and root beer floats. It was nice to just sit for awhile. The boys were picking leaves off of a tree and leaving them for you. We checked out some of the other headstones. Landon was practicing his ABC's on all the names. I had to laugh a little at us. Our children will be the only ones that learn their ABC's from the back of people's headstones. Is that morbid?? Maybe I just find humor in strange things. Both the boys kissed your picture on the stone before we left. It was very sweet. It is nice because it doesn't feel so sad when we go there now. With the headstone up it feels peaceful. The boys help in that area. It is very hard to be sad when those two are around.

When I talked to your Mom she told me something Landon came up with. We always meet at Richwood Meats when I take the kids up on the weekends. While we were waiting the other day I let the boys out of the truck to run around the parking lot. I was showing them how they get the cows in the building. Landon wanted to know why the cows go in the building. I didn't want to tell him they slaughter or kill them so I said they turn them into hamburgers. He told your Mom that there were cows in the building and they turn them into hamburger. She thought it was funny. Yesterday he was telling Cory all about the cows and the hamburger. Cory asked what happens if a chicken goes into the building. Landon told him they are turned into chicken nuggets. That just cracked me up. He is getting so smart. He is really starting to figure things out. I can see his little brain at work sometimes and it just cracks me up. At the moment he is really into flags and money. They recently studied both at school. He came home with "penny prints" that he was very proud of making. We displayed it in the fridge with all his other works of art. He is also getting a real sense of humor. He is totally your son.....He makes little jokes then cracks up at himself. He says, "Mommy that was funny". He loves to watch other people laugh. He always wants to be in on the joke and know what is so funny.

Tomorrow we are going horseback riding like we promised Landon last year. I need to call to see if Tyler is old enough to go also. We are going to the Wilds this weekend. Next weekend I have tickets to the Pro Bull Riding at Nationwide. The boys will be sooooo excited to see the "crazy cows" for real. We watch it on television all the time.

Missy and Rick took Landon to the Rodeo the day we brought Tyler home from the hospital. We got Tyler all settled in. I remember I put him in the bassinet in our room while he slept. That way when Landon got home he got all our attention. Then I pushed the bassinet out into the living room so Landon could have a look at Tyler. He peered over the edge then looked up at us like...you brought this thing home from the hospital with you, are you two crazy. At first Landon was so jealous of all the attention that Tyler got from me. Landon quickly became your little man and wouldn't leave your side for a minute. It was almost like he was mad at me. I remember that night that we got Tyler to sleep early. Landon crawled up on the couch with me to cuddle. I remember looking at you with tears in my eyes and saying "I can't beleive how big Landon is, he isn't my little baby anymore." I know you thought I was crazy. It was the hormones really dear....they make you that insane.

I remember the late nights with sick babies. One night Landon had a raging fever. I called just to let you know that I was up with him. Within minutes I saw your cruiser flying down the street. You came in the house in your big ole deputy uniform. You knelt down next to Landon and I in the recliner where I was rocking him. You just laid your hand across his little body and sat for a while with us. You worried so much when the boys were sick. I think you even took Landon for a few minutes that night to rock with him while I got a cool rag and some medicine. Daddy in the chair rocking his babies at 3 in the morning wearing your uniform complete with vest and gunbelt. I know it had to be uncomfortable but you didn't care. I could tell in your eyes that you didn't want to leave that night because you couldn't stand the thought of Landon being sick and not having you there with him. I woke up one night to find you in Landon's room staring into his crib. I asked what you were doing. You told me you had just left the ER. A six month old baby died in his mothers arms. You had to take pictures of his body at the ER for evidence. The baby had an enlarged heart. I know that call bothered you so bad.

And there were always the times that I heard you in the kitchen at 3 am. Either getting a quick bite to eat, usually stealing the left over beef stroganoff so I couldn't take it to work the next morning. Sometimes you had the labtop hooked up working on reports. Another time I came out in my t-shirt and underwear to find that you had brought Ryan home with you. I had never met him before. Poor Ryan the first time he met me was when I was in my underwear with bedhead. What a nice introduction? Hey this is my wife in her undies...I think I found you and Andy parked in the driveway one night talking too. I can't remember if it was Andy or someone else. More than likely Andy if you were talking at the wee hours of the morning. The two of you had the best hiding places in town. I knew in my heart when they told me that you were dead that they couldn't keep Andy from you. He was one of the first ones to reach you that night. He was probably on his way to find you before he was ever told he could leave the city to help. Even if they told him to stay he would have ignored them.

Well I better get to bed. It is late and I am sure the boys will have me up bright and early. Landon hurt his toe earlier tonight. He wouldn't even let me look at it unless I promised to put my hands behind my back. He wants to go to the doctor but I told him he has to let Mommy touch it first. He pulled the toenail all the way back until it bled. It should be fun trying to trim that off. He will have a fit with me.

Love you. Missing you very much.

Sara

October 5, 2005

Hey, buddy. I was sitting at work today and got to thinking about us way back in the day listening to that tape of prank calls where the guys were calling Red at the Tube Bar. Man, that passed the time and made for some great memories. Keep your family and the rest of us comforted as this painful anniversary approaches. We'd give anything to have you back, bud.

MC
Dublin, OH

October 4, 2005

Hey Bran. I'm sitting here at work and "Come Home Soon" came on the radio and I cannot concentrate any more. It makes me think back to almost a year ago when Sara had the song played at your service. Everytime I hear the song, I can only imagine the pain that Sara feels. Keep watching over everyone. We all miss you so much.

October 4, 2005

Hey Brandy, it's been a while since I last said hello. It's actually been a really tough last few months around here. Just when I think that the sadness and pain are beginning to heal, it seems something else happens and it all starts again. Not that there will ever be any real closure, but I thought when the court proceedings were over that maybe the closure would at least begin. I'm not sure that it has though for some.
I know that God works in ways that sometimes we don't understand and I pray that he will watch over those who seem to really be struggling. Maybe you could kind of keep an eye on them too because I think that the next couple of weeks are really going to be tough. I can't believe it has been one year almost already. I don't think anyone will ever forget what they were doing the exact minute they found out what happened to you. I know for me it was like somebody hit me over the head and said, from this point on, your life and almost everyone's life that you know is going to be different. It affects so many, in so many different ways. I pray every night that we all can make peace with the situation and celebrate the life you lived and the beautiful family you created. We miss you Brandy.

CB

October 2, 2005

Bran,
The weather is getting much cooler. Tonight the boys had to wear jackets outside. It makes me reflect on this time last year. We were cleaning closets and getting out the winter time clothes. Tyler tried on his Halloween costume to show you. I had just planted the fall bulbs and couldn't wait to see them bloom in the spring. Spring came and went and I didn't really care about the flowers this year. I remember you got upset because I took so long planting them, I told you just wait to spring when you see how pretty they are....Little did I know that I only had a few precious weeks with you. You would never see our pretty flowers bloom, never grow old with me, watch our children grow, see all our plans come to be....

I talked to Carol today. She asked me about something from her little daily notes from last year. I told her it was weird because some things I recall vividly but others I have erased from my memory. Missy brought up the watch that I searched for after you died, I had totally forgotten that. I sat at the kitchen table looking through all your jewelry crying and insisting that you had to have a watch. I remember Monica gently reaching over me and saying this one is nice why don't you send this one to the funeral home. For some reason I had this picture of you in my mind and it wasn't right without your watch. You always wore a watch. People tell me things that happened in the weeks before and after you died and I totally don't remember it. I try so hard to recall every memory of you but no matter how hard I try I just can't...it drives me insane what did we do on our last Friday together.....

I know the Monday before you died we had a nice dinner. I told you Saturday was Sweetest Day and we probably wouldn't have time to celebrate it. I made steak, salad, and shrimp cocktail. A special dinner for us. I spent Sweetest Day planning your funeral, picking out a casket, and, shopping for funeral clothes. Then on Tuesday I had to pick you up from Neidharts Farm. I can't remember if that was the day that I took both sets of keys to work with me. You were so mad at me because someone had to pick you up to take you down to the farm. They teased you all day about it. As we were turning back onto 423 we passed John in the truck. He was laughing at us because he knew you were mad at me for taking both sets of keys. We had dinner at the Marion Diner. We ran into our old neighbors from Richwood. I don't know if that was the Tuesday before you died or the week before that....I just can't remember. Then on Wedsnesday we had Spaghetti for dinner. Tyler was feeling a little warm, I thought he was getting sick. We cleaned out the closets, I got all the kids winter clothes out of the basement. You were so proud of how clean the closet was, you gave me that serious little look and said, "The next thing we are going to do is tackle that basement." We put the kids to bed early. We sat in front of the computer. You wanted me to read your letter to the sheriff about being interested in getting a K9. I talked to your Mom on the phone. I asked if I could set down in front of the computer. You teased me about playing my games. Then you said you were going to get ready for work. I heard you getting ready. You came to the stop of the stairs. You said, "I love you" paused then said, "I love you". You never said it twice and you never paused before. It was like you knew it would be the last time I heard your voice. The last words I ever heard you say were I love you. I am so thankful for that. I said I love you too be careful see you in the morning. The usual before you headed out for the night. My world ended at 5:30 the next morning with that one phone call. I always thought about it late at night when I couldn't sleep. Sometimes I would make up an excuse to call you. You would say, "Hey Girl" in your sleepy midnight voice. Probably wondering why I was calling but really knowing the reason. Just checking in when I was worried. I had stopped worrying so much in recent years. I just got used to the idea that you were coming home every morning. I always thought someone would come to the door to tell me if something happened to you. I was prepared for that in my mind. I had played out the scenario in my mind before. It never happened that way......

Spouses retreat was wonderful. The best part of the whole weekend was walking in on Sunday afternoon and seeing a genuine smile on Teresa's face. It is good to see other people taking steps in their healing process. It made me remember that the small things are huge leaps for some of us. I came away from the weekend with several lessons. I will try to apply them to my journey. I realize I have to confront some of this grief that I keep locked inside, protected from the rest of the world. If I don't it will eat me up inside. It is probably the reason I get depressed so easily. I learned a lot about following through with the conviction and things I can do to make sure the parole board will make the right decision when the time comes. I learned about children's grief and how to help the kids in their journey. I met several people that are walking this path along side me but knowing that this is an individual process for each of us. However I never felt judged in anything that I shared with these new friends. I heard stories worse than mine and reflected that I really am lucky in many respects. My biggest accomplishment of the weekend was shooting a gun. I admitted my fears of gun in front of Suzie and a couple of hours later I was on the range shooting a pistol. When I first saw the guns I wanted to cry, tears started to come to my eyes. When I heard the sound of the guns all I could think was is that the last sound Bran heard. I didn't even want to touch the dreadful thing, it seemed like pure evil. At the end of the 2 hours I couldn't wait to keep shooting. I didn't even notice the sound of the shots. It felt good to tackle something that I was so afraid of....

It is late. I need to get some sleep. I have been trying to get up early and get started on the days. I seem less depressed if I do that. Tyler got his Halloween costume today. He was so cute. He picked out a green skeleton with a black hood. Our 2 year old picked out the scariest costume in his size. He tried it on in the store then ran all over trying to scare everyone. I am in for such a time with him. But I love every minute of it. Landon is on break from school next week. They are going to spend a few days with your Mom and Dad. They haven't been up there in a few weeks. I also want to take them to the Zoo one day and horseback riding another day. We are going to decorate the house for Halloween. We are going to decorate to the max....other holidays are hard but we can make Halloween fun.

I almost forgot Tyler had another emergency room visit. I laid the boys down for quite time with a movie and some popcorn. I came up to get some stuff done. I heard Ty scream. I found him lying on the floor in front of his play kitchen. Landon told me he tried to jump from the top of it. He refused to walk on his right foot so I took him to the ER. He didn't break any bones but he is still limping some on that foot. Oh!!! He is such a boy. I cried at the ER. They still had all our old information in the system. They asked if I was Brandy. I was okay with that part. Although when I said that is his father, he is deceased I thought the lady was going to cry. I started to cry because they put us in the trauma room. All I could do was stare at the equipment used in CPR. I pulled myself together because Tyler needed my attention he didn't need a blubbering mother that couldn't talk to the doctor. I almost asked to be moved to a different room but managed to sit in the room for the hour that we were there. Baby steps...each one is significant.

I love you....Missing you very much.

Sara

September 29, 2005

WE WILL NEVER FORGET YOUR SACRIFICE. MY HEART GOES OUT TO YOUR FAMILY AND CO-WORKERS.

PTL. TURNER
OAK HILL POLICE DEPARTMENT

September 29, 2005

Hey Bran, Just wanted to say hi, havent wrote in a while. I kept the boys this weekend while Sara was at spouses retreat. They were really good for the most part. Mornings are always the hardest with them. I think they all had fun together. Hayden and Landon were playing football together with Ty's frog in the house. They were having a blast. Then Rick took them out front and threw the football with them for a while on Sunday night. Landon would catch the ball and just take off running all over the place. Guess we need to teach him which way he is suppose to be going. He said he wants to play football like Hayden next year. We had a little birthday party for Hayden at the house with them and they all liked that.

We had Hayden's 7th birthday party last week at Aunt Marilyns so the kids went fishing and we roasted hot dogs and marshmallows again this year. When it came time to get ready to roast the hot dogs I got a little emotional, I kept thinking about last year and how much fun we had at the horse farm. I could still see you standing there roasting your hot dogs and the first in line to get to the food - you and Mike like always. I had to walk away from it and busy myself with something else. Hayden caught two fish, he thought that was really cool, his first fish he has ever caught. Another birthday party you would have really enjoyed, we really missed you. Normally I can prepare myself but I really didn't think about it that much being so busy getting ready for the party that it kinda hit me suddenly. Funny that Sara mentioned the two hawks, we were on our way to argosy for my birthday and we saw two - we thought it was our good luck from you for the both of us, but quickly ran out of money and realized I had no luck at all as usual. Sara didn't do to bad as usual.

One year approaching and it sometimes gets hard to breath when I think about it. I think back to this time last year and what we were going through and think what a messed up time that was, I think we have all come a decent way through the healing process and know it has to keep getting better. I know you are guiding everyone through it, thanks and keep up the good work. Your boys are doing great, keep your eye on them though they are rotten. You wouldn't have them any other way right? They are all boy.

Miss you so much.. Love you

Mis

missy

September 27, 2005

I WAS DRIVING ON LIKENS CHAPEL RD. TOWARDS THE S.O. ON MY WAY TO WORK THIS MORNING AND NOTICED A HUGE HAWK PERCHED ON A WIRE. MY FIRST THOUGHT WAS YOU WERE KEEPING AN EYE ON YOUR COWORKERS...CONTINUE TO KEEP THEM SAFE FROM HARMS WAY. REST IN PEACE.

September 27, 2005

So ironic to read your mother-in-law's story about the OSU game yesterday...
On our way down to the stadium, we saw the biggest hawk - not an everyday sight along the interstate in the heart of the Columbus. Made me wonder...

September 25, 2005

Brandy
Just had to write you and tell you that this morning when I was getting ready to go to the Iowa game I looked up and thought please win this one for my son-in-law cause last year when we played Iowa we were all so shocked cause it was only two days after you were taken away from us and I know we lost but at that point many of us felt it didn't matter cause we had lost more than we could bear. Well I'll tell you we put a spanking on them today. What a game. You would have been all over the place watching it cause our defense was awesome as usual but even our offense was awesome today and I kept pointing up and telling Mike that this one was for you. Hope you were smiling and sitting with Woody watching this one!!! Sara brought the boys out this week and we went out front and picked up buckeyes for a while but Landon got tired of doing that and wanted Grandma to play baseball. He had brought your bat with him and wanted to use it but I had to tell him not to use that one cause I was afraid he would way lay me with one of his line drives. He told me was going to hit one up to you and he hit a really high one and ask me if you caught it. I told him no cause it was too high and you missed it. He give you a jawing for missing it. Tyler loved picking up the buckeyes with his mommy and didn't stop until it was time for them to go home. I got the cordless drill out and I helped Landon learn how to drill holes in the buckeyes. I am going to make him another buckeye necklace cause I think Mike is going to Japan and you know the only one of the grandchildren I could take to a game with me would be Landon cause he is the only one who would sit and watch the whole game. I have never seen a little boy that loves sports as much as he does. I tell all of them that one of these days I will watch him play college and pro sports. Doesn't matter if it is baseball or football cause he will be great at it. Think Tyler will be more of a football player cause as much as he gets hurt nothing would bother him. Landon makes him really tough. Last Friday when they went to Hayden's birthday party Ty came out with a red spot on his eye and I ask Sara what happened now and Landon's foot hit his eye when they were jumping on the trampolene. When I watch them being them I often think of how much fun you would be having with both of them right now. Especially when they both are giving Sara such a rough time. She told me that she was coming to the birthday party and was talking to someone on the cell phone and they were both sitting in the back seat acting like they were talking on the phone just to aggravate their mommy and when she would tell them to be quiet they would giggle and whisper and start doing it again. What fun they are!!! Got a family of turkeys living in the woods now. Know you would like that. Seen a momma and three young ones several times now and no you still can't shoot them. You know what I mean huh!! Miss ya more than ever. GO BUCKS!
Johnna

Johnna

September 24, 2005

Bran,
Just wanted to say thanks for the warning this morning. Still watching over us all I see. At least I know we all have our guardian angel to watch over us. Thank you baby...

I also saw the sign on the way to the prosecutors office that day. I thought okay Brandy send me something to tell me I should do this. Then a deer ran out in front of my car. It stopped in the middle of the road and seemed to stare right at me. I had to honk my horn to get it to move. I knew that you were okay with our decision. It wasn't the hawk that you usually send but you have used the deer before. Mom always talks about you running from window to window at her house on that snowy Christmas Eve to look at the deer in her back yard. Landon did that at her house a couple of weeks ago. She said it was like seeing you all over again. And who have you been hanging out with up there because I keep seeing two hawks sitting together.....

I leave for Spouses Retreat tomorrow. Hopefully this helps to continue the healing process. I just don't want any sadness right now. I want to be happy again.

Ever since the plea deal I feel like a tremendous weight has been lifted from me. I have been in a better mood. I am more motivated to get things done. I don't isolate myself as much as I was before. For awhile I couldn't stand to be around anyone.

Nikki and Ben had their little guy in August. He is adorable. I have to laugh watching them as new parents. It reminds me so much of us. Seeing the pictures that Aunt Marilyn's sends brings back so many memories of those first few months of our new family. Life was so complete.

Basketball is getting ready to start. I know they will miss seeing you leaning against that wall with one leg up making that detail pay to watch kids play basketball. You always loved the details at the schools. I am going to try to take the boys to a game. There will be a big void at those games those not seeing you standing there. Sometimes things like that hurt so much that I just avoid it. I know I need to just face it then I will be fine.

I went to dinner with Dad tonight. I took him to House of Japan. The boys loved it as usual.

On the way to the restaurant I put in the OSU CD that Mom made for the boys. Tyler cracks me up. He is in the back signing at the top of his lungs and shaking his fist. He says OH IO, HUH!!! You would LOVE it. Mom might take Landon to the Indiana game. They got tickets and Mike might have to go to Japan that week. Landon would have an absolute ball at the game. I think Ohio is the only word he can spell because he sings the songs so much.

Well it is late and I still need to get laundry put away. I also need to pack for the weekend.

Missing you very much dear. Good night. I love you....Wish I could say see you in the morning like we always used to do. I miss seeing your smiling face as I passed your cruiser on the way to work.

I love you..........

Sara

September 22, 2005

Hey, buddy. I just wanted to check in and say hi for a minute. I overheard someone at work today talking about how their cat chases a laser pointer they have. It made me think of how you used to use mine to get Gabby all riled up when you lived with me. We'd get her all riled up and then you want me to do my impression of the "Bushwacker" wrestler guys and chase after her. Man, we had some seriously goofy times, man. I miss them and I miss you.

Sara,
I just had the 2-year anniversary of losing my favorite uncle in a murder/suicide. I know it's not the same as losing a husband, but I am getting to the point now where I remember only the good times out of reflex, which makes it easier for me to deal. I am very glad to hear that you're on your way to sort of doing the same thing. It's a big step towards healing and I hope and pray that you, the boys, Rick, Shirley and Corey all heal as quickly and as completely as possible. Your strength is amazing.

Rick and Shirley,
Thanks for Brandy. Thank you for bringing him into this world and for making him the man he was and for the memories we all have of him.

MC
Dublin, OH

September 21, 2005

Bran,
I had bowling league tonight. I am getting better. More consistant, I am picking up more spares. Missy and I were talking about how you bowled. How can you go in a bowling alley and not think of you??

I was looking through some of our pictures tonight. I am doing a scrapbook for COPS. I found one from Hawaii...the one with the beach towel in the hotel room. You had your signature grin when I was doing something goofy. It reminded me of some really good times. The boys and I have been watching the Hawaii home videos. I laugh at you with your goofy commentary. You said, "And there is some big mountain." I said, "That is Diamond Head" Later you called it Marble Head. Landon loves the videotape of you para-sailing. Both the boys wave back when you wave at the camera. Landon kisses the television whenever you are on it. I can watch those videos without crying now. I can just remember the good time we had and how much we loved each other. Watching the wedding night video cracks me up. We were giddy and half drunk. You had all kinds of classic little comments. Typical of you but I smile at them now. Then you kept farting the night we were trying to watch the sunset in the place where we got married. We have this perfect romantic moment of the two of us watching the sun set into the ocean at the site where we said our vows the day before and you ripped off a big fart then started cracking up laughing about it. I told you that it was going to be shown at our reception and you said, "Sorry about that guys." Then did it AGAIN.

Tonight at bowling I was telling the girls how you used to feed your toenail clippings to Gabby. Everyone had a good laugh at that gross little habit. Sad to say that Gabby hasn't had any toenails since you died. I just can't feed her mine. They probably wouldn't be as nearly as tasty I am sure.

I am at a point where I want to forget the past year and just remember the good times together. Coming up on the one year mark I am sure it will be difficult but I can make it what I want. I refuse to "celebrate" it in anyway. I don't want to celebrate the day you died. There are too many good milestones in our lives to celebrate.

Speaking of milestones. I bought a Walt Disney trip for Tyler's 3rd birthday. It was an auction item at a Get Behind the Badge event. We always wanted to take the boys. I figured it would be a perfect trip this year. I made a deal with Missy and Rick that I would buy the package and they could come along if they paid their own airfare and Disney admission. It is a villa that sleeps 8. I can't wait. I know the boys will have a great time. We have been watching all the Disney specials on the travel channel. I am trying to gear them up for what Disney is all about. God I haven't been there since I was like 8. I'll probably have more fun than the boys. I know we will surely miss you on this big trip. Another event in our lives that we miss sharing with you.

Landon has school pictures tomorrow. Hopefully he smiles this year. Last year his school pictures were like 2 weeks after you died. He just looks so sad in the picture. I looked at it tonight and it made me want to cry. I remember going to orientation at the pre-school with you. They took our family picture to hang on the wall. The week after your funeral I was signed up to be the helper in Landon's classroom. I insisted on going ahead with the activity. I wanted everything to be as normal as possible for the boys. I walked in the room and that family photo was on the door with all the other kids families. I just about had to run from the room but managed to hold it together. It was so hard for the longest time to go anywhere that families were together. I was actually angry at all the other little boys with their Daddies. It isn't so bad now. The anger has diminished. At times I feel bad for Landon and Tyler but it doesn't bother me as much as it used to.

The Saturday after you were killed was the boys first day of bowling. I also insisted on taking them to that. We hadn't even had the funeral yet. We called ahead and asked that everyone in the bowling alley please not approach us, that we wanted the boys to enjoy their first day of bowling. I also insisted on driving there. I have no idea how I did that. I hadn't slept or ate in days. Mom had to remind me to put the car in park before I got out of it. Watching those two little guys bowl that day was so hard but it was a sign that life would be normal again at some point. That we all had to keep going for those two little guys.

Okay I need to stop beceause I am going to start crying and I just don't want to do that now.

I miss you very much. Love you.

Sara

September 20, 2005

Dear Brandy,
I will always remember when I seen you in at McDonalds. We will always miss you.

Your Friend,
Troy Jarvis

Troy Jarvis
Friend

September 20, 2005

Hey Brandy,

It hardly seems like nearly a whole year since you were senselessly taken from us. I occasionally browse the Marion Star online for whats going on in Marion since I left MPD and I saw that your murderer received 43 to life. Putting this guy away needed to be the first priority and I'm positive your family made the right decision. Don't worry brother, he'll get his in the end when he has to face his creator and tell Him the things he's done. Keep looking out for us will ya.


Sara,

I just found this web site so I apologize for not leaving a reflection earlier. I'm sure you don't remember me but I had the privilege to call Brandy a friend when I was with MPD (1995-1996). You already know what a great guy he was so I don't need to tell you. Last year my wife (a police dispatcher) and I were standing in the rain as hundreds of family, friends and brother/sister police officers honored Brandy. You have been through something undescribable and I wanted to let you know that I am a better police officer because of Brandy's sacrifice. I hope your two boy's grow up to be just like their daddy. My aniversary is Oct. 14 so I will always remember the day a Hero gave his life to protect others.

Rick,

I'm sorry that I haven't been back to see you since the funeral. I wanted to let you know that Brandy and your family are in my thoughts and prayers on a regular basis.

Sgt. Doug Hubaker
Northwood Ohio PD

September 19, 2005

To the family and friends of Deputy Brandy Winfield and his fellow officers in the Marion County Sheriff's Department:

On behalf of our entire family, we wish to extend our sincerest condolences on the grievous loss you suffered when Deputy Winfield was so brutally murdered. His heroism, valor and bravery will be forever remembered.

In reading the reflections about Brandy, it is obvious he was a man of honor and a man devoted to his family.
How very sad that this young officer was taken away from his family and his sons deprived of their father. I am certain that other family members and his friends will make sure his sons know the extraordinary individual Brandy was and keep his memory alive for his sons.

His peers respected him and so many have fond memories of their times together. Brandy will never be forgotten by those who cared about him, nor will he be forgotten by those who honor his courgage and dedication to his job, even if they didn't know him personally.

May you continue to be comforted by the support and caring of your law enforcement family, and other police survivors. I know your quest for justice for Brandy has ended, and at least that is not looming over your heads any longer.

We grieve for you and with you. Our family lost our beloved Larry Lasater when he was fatally shot this past April during a foot pursuit of two bank robbers, so we know the anquish you are experiencing. Please know that the brotherhood and sisterhood of law enforcement will always be by your side on each step of the journey still ahead of you.

This reflection is sent with the utmost respect for the many years of service Deputy Winfield gave to his community and the citizens of Ohio, and the supreme sacrifice he and his family made on October 14, 2004 when he gave his life in the line of duty.

Phyllis Loya, mother of fallen officer
Larry Lasater, Pittsburg, CA PD eow 4/24/05

September 18, 2005