Family, Friends & Fellow Officers Remember...

Every day I come to your 'page' and everyday I say the same thing to myself when I see your beautiful face, "I still don't believe it." I don't think I ever will.

January 20, 2006

Love you Mark. Miss you more.

January 20, 2006

Thinking of you as always....

"One More Day"

Last night I had a crazy dream
A wish was granted just for me
It could be for anything
I didn’t ask for money
Or a mansion in malibu
I simply wished, for one more day with you

One more day
One more time
One more sunset, maybe I’d be satisfied
But then again
I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you

First thing I’d do, is pray for time to crawl
Then I’d unplug the telephone
And keep the tv off
I’d hold you every second
Say a million I love you’s
That’s what I’d do, with one more day with you

Leave me wishing still, for one more day
Leave me wishing still, for one more day

I love you. xoxo

Yvonne

January 18, 2006

Mark-

Hey, just sitting here doing desk duty and thinking about all the fallen Officers and how its more and more these days. We will never forget you. Please watch over all of your other brothers and sisters that wear the badge.

God Bless

David
Southgate Police

January 14, 2006

Mark,

Lily started her first dance class today. We went yesterday to buy her pink leotard, tights, skirt, and ballet shoes. She was so excited. She is in class with Julia, Kim and Rich's daughter. She ran into the dance room and started hopping around! They wouldn't let parents watch, I was disappointed about that, but understood. When she was done, she came running out of the room and hugged me tight, saying 'again, again!' She looked so adorable in her dance outfit. Afterwards, we went over to Julia's for pizza. They had a great time playing.

On the way to class, I was thinking about how you would feel about her in dance class. I hope you heard me tell you not to worry, I would be sure to get her involved in sports when she is old enough to play. I don't know...she sure likes to dance. I do hope she plays sports, too. You always said you hoped she got my coordination for movement but your athletic ability. You know me and sports just don't go together.

Yesterday was a really tough day for me. Lily was napping and I had a headache. I laid in bed and just started crying. It is so difficult to put the emotions that I experience into words. It just feels like the whole world is so wrong and terrible and that it needs to be fixed. Yet I can do nothing about it, no matter how much I wish and beg for it. I know it's crazy, but I still beg God to bring you back everyday. What is worse is knowing that my begging is fruitless.

I think the bad day started with me showing Gladiator to my class. You and I went to see that movie together. In the end, gladiator dies and meets his wife and child in the afterlife. It took everything for me to hold back tears in my classroom. I find it so hard to be a teacher sometimes. Not many people realize that I teach history, which is full of death, war, and atrocities to man. Every time I lecture, watch a film, answer a question, I have you and what happened in my head. I can't seem to stop connecting and comparing different events to what happened to you. I wonder will I ever be able to be the teacher that I once was? I guess I have to find it in me to use this to make myself a better teacher. It just isn't happening yet. Maybe in time it will. I just don't know.

As I laid in bed with tears streaming down my face, I had so many memories of us playing over in my mind. I remembered how you hated for me to take off my wedding ring. I never took it off, not even to shower or go to bed. I went and got my ring and put it on again. It doesn't fit my finger anymore because I have lost so much weight. But for whatever reason, it comforted me. I stared at it and remembered how excited you were to pick it out and how insistent you were on me not knowing what it looked like or when you were going to propose. For seven years I wore that ring on my finger. It became a part of me. After you died, I had such a hard time even looking at it. It made me feel like the life I was now living was a lie because you weren't here. I wasn't married, and not by our choice. It reminded me of everything that was torn away from us so brutally. But yesterday, I put our ring on and wore it all day. It felt nice to live that life again. Maybe it was denial. Maybe it was remembering how special I was to you. Maybe it was just comforting to have a small part of my old life back. Whatever it was, it gave me one moment of peace to catch a glimpse of it on my finger.

At the end of the night, I took the ring off to take my shower. I was afraid it would fall off. I thought of what Lily will do with our rings one day. I do not want to size either of them down, or destroy them in anyway. I will leave it up to her to do with them as she wishes. I think you would like that. It would bring me some joy to know that she might wear our rings.

I always tease Lily and ask her who she wants to marry, and she says momma. So the other day, I asked outloud, 'I wonder who's going to walk you down the aisle?' not expecting a response. Do you know she looked at me and said, 'Dad.' I said, yes baby, he will.

We met Michelle and Alexis at Jeepers the other day. Lily had a great time riding the rides. She went on the flying bananas and the train. She also went in the play structure and down the slide several times. She just loves playing with Alexis. She was so cute coming down the slide. Every time she came down, she would run to Michelle and give her '5'. It's so good to see her connection to your sister knowing how close the two of you were.

As I laid with Lily the other night to get her to sleep, I was reminded of what your mom wrote in her last reflection, how Lily is you all over again. I stared at her in wonder at how much she looks like you. The little things she does that you did. The other day she yelled at me for eating a squishy french fry of hers. I couldn't believe it. I don't know where she got the word squishy from, I have never mentioned squishy fries. But those were the exact ones you would always pick out to eat.

My mom told me the other day that if I didn't have Lily she would have a 24 hour watch on me. How right she is. Lily is my life. I must go on because of her. I owe that to you. To bring her up knowing that she was born out of the incredible love we have for one another. To always tell her about you, let her talk about you, and continually remind her how much you love your little Lily-girl, your princess.

I love you so much. I miss you, baby. See you in my dreams. xoxoxo

January 13, 2006

My deepest sympathy for your loss. I know there are now words in our language that can even come close to saying "Sorry for your loss." Such a sensless act and so many lives destroyed all because of one individual who cared nothing about life. A solace is that Mark's weapon that was stolen served him and his family in the end as a long drawn out trial would have been hard on the family. There is no loss worse than losing a child, so I can say from my own heart what Mark's parents feel. I know the suffering of his wife and children as I see it with my son's family. Mark, keep watch over your family and stay close to them. Protect them from harm and keep them on the right path in life. You are a true hero and you will never be forgotten. I wish I could have met your family in Washington last year, but then again we may have crossed paths. You are a true hero and will never be forgotten.

Bob Gordon, father of fallen officer Michael P. Gordon, EOW: 8/8/04
michaelpgordon.com

Bob Gordon

January 11, 2006

Dear family of Officer Sawyers,

I wanted to take a moment to reach out to you and let you know that you are in my thoughts and prayers as you begin another New Year without your beloved Mark.

I lost my husband in the line of duty 9 months ago, and am left to raise two children on my own. This is a very painful journey that I never expected to take. I find such comfort when I come to the ODMP and read about other families - like yours - who have survived and are continuing on. I believe we will see our wonderful husbands again and that - until then - they will guide and protect us and will give us the strength and courage to continue on without them. They are walking Heaven's streets of gold, and are safe in the arms of the angels.

Thank you, Officer Sawyers, for your service and sacrifice. May God bless you and may you rest in peace, Blue Angel.

Carin E. Sollman
widow of Officer Jesse E. Sollman, EOW 3/25/05

January 10, 2006

Dear Mark,

I kept Lily today while Yvonne went to a baby shower. I am telling you Mark that you have smart little girl. She even says she gets her smarts from you. Her vocabulary is as good or better than a 5 year old. Diane was here with Yvonne to pick Lily up and Lily knowing both her grandmas were here said "Grandmas, come in here." She was referring to the living room where the toy room is. She knew to make it plural instead of saying Grandma Diane and Grandma Faith. One smart cookie. I have to give Yvonne some credit (haha), she spends a lot of time playing with Lily. Lily is good at playing pretend. I want to try to take her skiing when Michelle is at Pine Knob with her kids. I told you we would make sure she was tough and by that I mean be able to play sports. She does not have to be a Joe Montana or Kenny Stabler but she will definitely be able to have fun playing with a group of family or friends. She does not have to be as competitive as you are or does she??? I love you and think of you all the time. All my love,

Mom

January 8, 2006

Mark - I can't help but think of you everytime I hear this song...

When I get where I'm going
On the far side of the sky
The first thing that I'm gonna do
Is spread my wings and fly

I'm gonna land beside a lion
And run my fingers through his mane
Or I might find out what it's like
To ride a drop of rain

Yeah, when I get where I'm going
There;ll be only happy tears
I will shed the sins and struggles
I have carried all these years
And I'll leave my heart wide open
I will love and have no fear
Yeah when I get where I'm going
Don't cry for me down here.

I'm gonna walk with my grand daddy
And he'll match me step for step
And I'll tell him how much I miss him
Every minute since he left
Then I'll hug his neck.

Yeah, when I get where I'm going
There'll be only happy tears
I will shed the sins and struggles
I have carried all these years
And I'll leave my heart wide open
I will love and have no fear
Yeah when I get where I'm going
Don't cry for me down here.

So much pain and so much darkness
In this world we stumble through
All these questions I can't answer
So much work to do.

But when I get where I'm going
And I see my maker's face
I'll stand forever in the light
Of his amazing grace
Yeah when I get where I'm going.

I think about you all the time, Mark. I have faith that you are watching over us while we continue to face the shadows in the darkness each night and fight the good fight in your honor. I know you are missed and loved by more people than you probably ever thought imagineable. Spread your wings Mark and fly among the angels.

Officer
Bay City Police - Michigan

January 6, 2006

Happy New Year to you all. Yvonne, you are a brave woman. I don't know you well, but I admire you. My husband will retire in the next year and I pray to God every day to get us though it. You will get through this too and Mark's family knowing he died in honor. None of us will ever forget. He's in our souls forever. Live on, love on - live life - it's way too precious - and way too short.

WIFE OF A SHPD OFFICER
SHDP

January 5, 2006

Happy New Year Mark.....Thinking about you alot latley.

Friend
SHPD

January 4, 2006

I still cannot believe you are gone, I think of you many, many times each and every day. No matter what I am thinking about, it always reverts to you, Yvonne and Lily. The way things should have been, and the reality of the way things are now. From now until forever it will always seem like a nightmare we can not wake from. Nothing will ever be the same, nothing will ever feel sane again. We are all changed in ways that we could never imagine. The only thing that can soften our hearts is our love for Lily. We will try to protect her from this hurt as much as we can, while sharing with her our love for you. She will always know who her Daddy is, please know that.

Diane

January 4, 2006

Dear Mark,

I went to see Yvonne and Lily last night and you would be so proud of them. Yvonne is such a good mother (Lily is spoiled) just a little though. Just kidding. Yvonne gets down on the floor a plays steamroller with Lily. She hugs Lily and rolls with her. It is so funny and Lily loves it. They play so many imaginary games. Lily is the smartest little two year old I have ever seen. The big words she says blows my mind. Yvonne is so loving and spends so much quality time with her. Lily knows all about you. She talks about you all the time. I do believe you talk to her too. Well so long for today. As always, I love you and never stop thinking about you.

Love,
Mom

January 4, 2006

Mark,

A new year has begun. It is supposed to be a time of happiness, and high hopes of what is to come. I can't help thinking how I would just like to go back in time. On New Year's Eve I kept thinking about all of the ones we spent together and what fun we had. Even the time you had to work at Chi-Chi's and came up to the bowling alley to meet me and Michelle and everyone else. I'm sure you remember the New Year's at Donnie and Nicole's house were we all played that mystery game. You and I were hippies. Remember Irv had that huge afro? We all tried it on and had a good laugh. You looked hilarious with it on.

I went with Kathy to the FOP hall for New Years. Reno said a toast to you after midnight. It amazes me that everyone keeps you so close to their hearts still today. I had a nice time dancing with Nicole, Todd, and everyone else. Todd makes me laugh. You want to know something funny? Remember how you used to laugh like crazy at the way Carlton from Fresh Prince danced? Well, Nicole said Todd mocks him and dances like that. He wouldn't do it for me though. Maybe one more drink and he would have!

Your mom and I took Lily to see Chicken Little the other day. Her first movie experience! She did really good at the theater. Slight problem now at home, though. She says there are monsters in her room. She doesn't want to sleep in her bed. She stayed at my mom & dad's a few nights in a row. She got so upset the one night I tried to get her to come home she actually got sick. Your mom & I finally figured out that that's why she didn't want to come home and sleep in her bed. She's doing better now, though, and back in her own bed. Although our night time ritual is increasing in length every night. She says 'you gotta try my bed.' She makes me lay with her and holds my face. She tells me to close my eyes. The other night she made Kathy read her book to her. She doesn't listen to it anymore, though. She likes to ask what everything on the page is. Her way of stalling before bedtime.

Lily also wants to watch 'mommy & daddy get married.' We watched our wedding video a few times together. She likes seeing Alexis as a baby. She kept asking were she was at. I told her she wasn't born yet. She said 'I'm not boring yet?' Oh she cracks me up. Then I told her she was a twinkle in our eyes. She told that to your family the other night at dinner. Michael and Cherrie laughed so hard at that.

She has a new favorite book at bedtime, "God Gave Us You." She says 'read the God book.' Its about polar bears that have a baby. She likes the page were the doctor is listening to the mom's belly with a stethoscope and the daddy has his head on the mommy's belly. She says 'like daddy do.'

big mountain, penguins, phone, badge, markers, i love you dad, babies, mommy, Todd, bananas, music (that was Lily, she said she wanted to type something for you and I asked her what; those were her exact words!)

Your mom came over tonight to hang out and play with Lily. We were talking alot about you and heaven. All I know is that I was blessed with our love and Lily. Many people never experience a love like ours. I would not trade that for anything. The years I had with you were the best of my life. I don't know what I believe about God and heaven anymore. I do believe that you are with us. I know that from the signs and dreams from you and the things Lily says and does. That gives me hope that one day we will all be together, never to part again. As always, we love you and miss you. xoxoxo

Yvonne

January 3, 2006

Mark,
Happy 2006! I’m glad the holidays are over. Time to get back to some sort of normalcy if there is such a thing anymore. Since you’ve been gone, everything has a different perspective. Nothing seems as important, yet everything is more important. Does that even make sense?

I spent New Years with Yvonne. I am so fortunate to have built such a wonderful friendship with her, yet at the same time, I would gladly give it up if it would bring you back to your family and friends. I know nothing will bring you back, so rest assured she has a true friend in me.

I took Miller over to visit Lily the other night. You know what we put on him…pretty funny eh? He helped her eat her quiche of course. (We wonder why he’s the ‘porkie’ yorkie!?) He made himself quite at home! The bedtime story put him to sleep faster than Lily!

You made a beautiful family Mark. They cherish you!! NOTHING will ever change that!

Kathy

SHPD

January 3, 2006

Happy New Year, Mark. You will never be forgotten.

Officer
Bay City Police Department, MI

January 2, 2006

Dear Mark,

I want to wish you a Happy New Year. It was a horrible holiday without you. I love you.

Mom

January 2, 2006

Thinking of you, Yvonne, Lily, and all your family. Our prayers for all of you. You are all in our hearts. Yvonne, your strength amazes me. Lily is one lucky little girl to have you. God bless all of you. Mark, a peaceful eternal rest to you. Your sacrifice and bravery shall never be forgotten.

January 1, 2006

Mark, I just wanted to let you kmow I'm thinking of you. I wonder sometimes if you and Mike are together doing the things you liked to do, then I think...I'm sure you are!!! I hope you two are having a very happy, peaceful holiday season with all those who have left us before you!!Be with those who love you in 2006!!

Yvonne, Lily, Sawyers' family and the rest of those close to Mark, I think of you often!! Especially during the holidays when family is soooo important and we want our loved ones close by...it is very hard!!! I had no idea what things would be like...harder than I thought! You are all in my thoughts and prayers EVERYDAY!!! May you all have a happy, healthy and peaceful 2006!!!! Thank you for being there for Nathan these past few months!! Kari

Kari

December 31, 2005

Mark, Rest in peace brother,Thanks for all you have done, you are missed.

Ali Sobh # 7
Eastland Security Police

December 29, 2005

Christmas has come and gone, but the one thing that remains is the terrible pain in our hearts. So evident by the distant stare in Yvonne's eyes as she sometimes watches Lily. I know she must be thinking what could have, should have been. Keep calling their names Mark, they are listening.

December 26, 2005

Mark,

This one reminds me of myself.

by Keith Urban

"Tonight I Wanna Cry"

Alone in this house again tonight
I got the TV on, the sound turned down and a bottle of wine
There's pictures of you and I on the walls around me
The way that it was and could have been surrounds me
I'll never get over you walkin' away

I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that being' strong meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain
To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain
From my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry

Would it help if turned a sad song on
“All By Myself' would sure hit me hard now that you're gone
Or maybe unfold some old yellow lost love letters
It's gonna hurt bad before it gets better
But I'll never get over you by hidin' this way

I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that being' strong meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain
To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain
From my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry

I love you so much. xoxo

Yvonne

December 26, 2005

Kim and I pray for your family, pray to give them strength through the holiday season. You are missed, merry christmas brother....Thanks for looking out for us during our shift.

Kev

P.O. Kevin Kowalik
Harper Woods PD

December 26, 2005

Mark,

Just wanted to say Merry Christmas & Happy New Year! You will never be forgotten...

Yvonne,

I read your postings and I am absolutely astonished by your strength. I lost my three year old son on February 5, 2005. I know the holidays are very difficult to get through. I pray that the Lord continues to bless you with strength and courage for you and your daughter Lily. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you and your family.

Gilda C. Mason

Police Officer Gilda C. Mason
Detroit Police Department

December 25, 2005

DEAR MARK,

I WOKE UP EARLY THIS CHRISTMAS MORNING AND AS I WAS BEGAN TO THINK ABOUT THE UPCOMING DAY. I THOUGHT OF YOU AND YOUR FAMILY. I WISH YOU HERE. I WISH YOU WERE WITH YOUR FAMILY. I KNOW YOU STILL ARE WITH THEM BUT IT'S JUST NOT THE SAME. IT SEEMS LIKE I HAVE BEEN THINKING ABOUT YOU MORE THESE PAST FEW WEEKS. NOT SURE WHY, MAYBE BECAUSE OF THE HOLIDAYS AND YOUR BIRTHDAY. ANYWAY I JUST WANTED YOU TO KNOW THAT I'M STILL THINKING ABOUT YOU. MERRY CHRISTMAS MARK.. ADAM

TO THE ENTIRE FAMILY,

I KNOW MARK WILL BE WITH YOU. I BELIEVE IN THAT AND HIM. I'M SURE EVERYONE WISHES THAT THEY COULD EASE YOUR PAIN. BUT YOUR NOT ALONE TODAY. WE ARE ALL THINKING OF YOU.

LOVE, THE VANDERLEUN FAMILY

ADAM VANDERLEUN
SHPD

December 25, 2005