Family, Friends & Fellow Officers Remember...

After reading some of the various reflections you have posted Yvonne you have touched me, you are very strong and a influence to many people. May Officer Mark Anthony Sawyers Rest In Peace

citizen

November 20, 2006

Mark, Thanks for watching out for the guys the last couple of months it's kind of been crazy. We just had our contract ratification meeting at the FOP hall and I dont know why but I kept looking at your picture and felt like you were there. Just wanted you and your family to know that we think of you often and are keeping them in our prayers.......Your Brothers and Sisters in Blue

Friend, SHPD
Sterling Hts PD

November 17, 2006

Mark,

Lily had a blast on Halloween. She was Ariel, of course. We went to Steph and Keith's house with my family. Unfortunately, I caught whatever Lily had and came down with a fever. My mom and dad took Lily trick or treating while I stayed at the house. My mom said she was singing Ariel songs on people's porches!

She also got to see Kyle and Alexis the Thursday before Halloween. We went to their school party that Michelle organized. They looked so cute, the whole family in camoflauge! Lily and Alexis had fun dancing in the gym.

School is going well for Lily. She loves her teacher and the other students. She made a turkey from her handprint and paint. It is so cute. I'll have thow her your handprint that your mom gave me from when you were her age. I have it put away some where. I'm sure she'll get a kick out of that.

I've been telling her that on your birthday we are going to make a cake and go to your mom and dad's. She got really excited and said "is daddy going to be there?" Breaks my heart. She helped pick out chocolate cake and icing with candles. She wants to blow out your candles for you.

Today she was asking me where heaven is. I asked her where she thought it was. She said "it's here so that I can visit." Then she said she was going to go to heaven and bring you back. She said her and I were going to take you to the doctor. I asked her why and she said so we could put bandages on your boo-boos. The tears just started flowing as I explained to her that you don't have boo-boos anymore. People in heaven don't hurt anymore. She said she was going to spit at the bad guy and poke him.

She keeps talking about how you are stuck in her dreams. She says you can't talk to her and that the bad guy taped you up. Today she said no one can dream about her daddy but her. I asked her if I could, and she said yes momma, just you.

As heartbreaking as it is to hear her say these things to me, it is heartwarming to hear so many other things that she has to say. She tells me that I am her best friend and the best mommy ever. She tells me that "my daddy loves you so much."

She makes me laugh every day with the new things she says. Yesterday it was, "it's not my fault, it's your fault!" Then the day before she asked me why girls have goobies (translation: boobies). I decided to tell her the truth since she is so darn smart. I told her mommies feed their babies milk. She then proceeds to pat my other breast and say, "whatcha got in this one- juice?" I started cracking up and then she starts laughing too. She kept asking me "what's so funny? what did I say?"

She still likes watching the video of you getting pepper sprayed. She asked me if the 'boys and girls' all have to get sprayed. I told her yes, every new boy and girl officer has to get pepper sprayed when they are training. She said, "and salt sprayed, too?" Again she had me belly laughing.

I had some rough days this last week. I don't know if it's because our birthdays are coming up or what. Lily asked me today why I was so sad, and I told her I missed you. I told her I wanted to hug you and hold you. She told me I could pretend. Then she told me to unroll my car window and blow kisses to you in heaven. So we both did.

Harold and Lisa are having a baby boy. They are naming him Mark Christian. Well, so much for women's intuition. Lisa and I both thought it was going to be a girl. I am sure you are honored that they are naming their first born after you. I know that he will have a special guardian angel watching over him always.

I know that you are always with me but I need to see you in my dreams again. It's been awhile, and I so badly need to be with you, even if only in sleep. Bring me a sweet dream, baby. I love you with all my heart. xoxoxo

Yvonne

Yvonne

November 15, 2006

You're Not Alone Tonight - Keith Urban

We all drink to forget
Some of us more than most
When reality gets too real
And the fires of hell too close
But I'm here to let you know that
That you can make it through
If you believe that someone is watchin' over you

And call it an angel
Call it a muse
And call it karma that you've got comin' to you
What's the difference
What's in name
What matters most is never ever losin' faith
'Cause it's gonna be alright
You're not alone tonight

We all have our days
When nothing goes as planned
Not a soul in the world
Seems to understand
And for someone to talk to
You'd give anything
Well go on and cry out loud
'Cause someone's listenin'

Yeah, and call it an angel
Call it a muse
And call it karma that you've got comin' to you
What's the difference
What's in name
What matters most is never ever losin' faith
'Cause it's gonna be alright
You're not alone tonight


All my love.
MB

November 13, 2006

God bless your family! You are a true hero!! Thank you for your service. It takes a special person to put their lives on the line for their loved ones and complete strangers. It breaks my heart to know your wife and daughter do not have their hero with them physically, but you are there for them everyday. Thank you for keeping all your uniformed brothers and sisters safe!! Thank you again! Rest easy...

Wife of Deputy

November 12, 2006

Dear Mark,

I miss you and love you. I think about you every day. Tough times are coming up. I need your comfort and a sign.

Love Mom

November 11, 2006

every year ... every month ... every week ...every day ... every hour ... every minute ... every second ...

... you are missed ...

November 5, 2006

My Wish- Rascal Flatts

I hope that the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
And each road leads you where you want to go,
And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,

But more than anything, more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but ya never forget,
All the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
And you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
And you always give more than you take.

But more than anything, yeah, and more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

October 30, 2006

Mark,

I flipped the country music channel on and heard Brad Paisley's song She's Everything. I was getting down thinking about how I don't have that anymore. The very next song had to be from you. The Chair by George Strait. Your favorite. It was the only old song they played with all the other new videos. It put a smile on my face and made me cry at the same time.

Yesterday my mom, dad,and Tracy came over and helped us carve our pumpkins. They came out great. We have a cat, bat, and ghost. Lily really enjoyed it. But she wouldn't help me get the seeds out. She said she would get too messy!

Lately she has been telling me "you're the best mommy ever, in the whole wide world." I asked her where she heard that from and she said, "probably myself!"

I miss you so much, Mark. I can't believe its going to be two and a half years that you have been gone. I love you so much. xoxo

Yvonne

Daddy,

I want a plant. Cheese is good for you. I'm not really serious. ii
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iiiiiiii\iiiii-i-iiip'[[[[]kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk/
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Ilove you!

Lily

October 30, 2006

Yvonne, your strength amazes me. Its been a while since I’ve visited here, but when I do, I always look for your thoughts. Its amazing that Lily is big enough now to actually be able to tell you what she wants you to say to Mark. I admire your bravery for going to visit Berner. I know that must have been hard for you. I hope you’ve found the closure you’ve been searching for. I've visited the Dept of Corrections website where the man who stole my mom from me so many years ago is listed. Its like a dream sometimes that I wish I could wake from, and I still say that 21 years after my mom died. I know you will always have fond memories of Mark, as we all will. Thinking of you and Lily, as always.

Jen Brozowski

October 26, 2006

Many times we passed each other in the halls of detroit receiving hospital making our trips with prisoners with nothing more then a "what up" or a nod and neither of us made the time to say a few words more. I miss it, but I do cherish the words we did share and I will always hold you in my heart as my departed brother.

Patrol Officer Robert D. Weston
Clawson Police Dept

October 25, 2006

The pain for all of us just deepens with every day that passes by without you.

October 23, 2006

Dear Daddy,

Bless you. I love you God. I like your badge. Why did you die?

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

We love you and miss you!! xoxoxo

Lily & Yvonne

October 22, 2006

Dear Mark,
People ask me if I have been on this site lately and I have to say no but it is not because I am too busy. It just hurts so much. I had Lily last Saturday night and she was talking on our way to church and she said all the Mommies and Daddies are going to Disney on Ice. Then she quickly added my Daddy is watching us, my Mommy is taking me. I was in tears, my heart breaks as I write this. She then said my daddy is stuck in my dreams. I don't want you stuck in her dreams. I want you holding her. I want it so bad and it just hurts to know it can't happen. I keep asking why this had to happen. I need to go because this is just too much for me. I love and miss you so much.

Love Mom

October 19, 2006

I have recently met Donald and found this site on my own, wanting to know more about his cousin and the tragedy that this family has had to go through. Yvonne, your reflections touch my heart so deeply. The way you write and share your stories of Lily and all of the things you face is truely unbelieveable. I lost my mother 15 years ago, when I was 19. I told Don that I wish there had been something like this back then because I think it would have helped. I love how you talk about "signs" that Mark is with you; I'm going to start looking for more signs from my mom. Your strength and courage are true inspirations to so many people, not just those that know you. Thank you. And God bless you, Lily, and your whole family.

Kelly

October 17, 2006

Mark,

Where do I start? So much has happened in just a few short weeks. Before I left for spouses retreat, I had been having nightmares about Berner. I kept dreaming he was after me and I was trying to protect Lily. It was horrible to wake up to those. I just layed in bed struck with anxiety, not wanting to move. I know he is dead, but I kept dreaming about it. I decided that I needed to know where he is buried. At one point, several months ago, I had wanted to see pictures of him after his death. I decided against this because I did not want that image stuck in my head. I already have images of him and did not need any more. It always bothered me thinking that he might be interred at the same place as you.

The day that I left for COPS spouses retreat, Tom gave me the information I needed. I knew I would deal with it when I got back. At the retreat, I again attended the children and grieving seminar. I learned so much, and faced some hard truths. I was so worried about telling Lily what had happened to you, and saying the words “a bad guy” because I didn’t want to scare her. But the truth is, she was already dealing with those issues. She was also having nightmares before I left for retreat. I was letting her sleep in my bed for that reason. One night, she shouted out, “put him in jail!” and “I’m gonna die.” I was so upset. I asked her about the dream the next day. She told me that dinosaurs and lions were attacking her. I asked if anyone was in her dream. She told me that she went to Miss Kim’s house where it was safe. She said that I was in her dream trying to get the lions off of me. She said I went to grandma and papa’s house where it was safe.

What I learned in the seminar is that she was portraying her worst fears (dinosaurs and lions) and worries of something happening to us in her dreams. What the counselor told me is that I needed to tell her. She was constructing her own version of events in her head. Often what we imagine is much worse than the truth. The counselor asked me why I was so concerned with the words “bad guy.” I guess I just wanted to protect our little girl from the evil that we live with.

Unfortunately, I was plagued with headaches the whole trip. I had to take medication and was not able to do the summit course. But I did touch a few snakes. You know I hate snakes! We made jewelry out of deer antler, and made molds of different animal prints. I made Lily a skunk and rabbit mold. I carved “I love you” in the back with ’06. Once again, I left retreat with relief and happiness that I have such wonderful in-laws, family, friends, and police department. The issues that other widows have to deal with are just awful.

The week that I got back was full of milestones. I decided to go to the cemetery that Berner was at. I didn’t know exactly what I was going to do. I had no ill intentions, I just needed to put that part of this nightmare to rest. I at first asked someone to go with me because I was afraid of other people being there. Suddenly it came to me that this was my nightmare, my fears of being alone to raise and protect Lily by myself. This was something I must do on my own. As a widow, I no longer have the luxury of that sense of security that I once had with you. I realized that part of this journey was to face that fact and depend on only myself as I now need to do.

Once I got to the cemetery, I couldn’t find the stupid grave. I walked that lot forever. In a way I think that helped, because I started to get angry and less afraid. Finally, an elderly man that was there was helping me look for the plot numbers. Then a worker came over and helped me. The old man said, “well, I have to see this now that I helped you search.” He had no clue why I was there, I had not told him. Then he asked me who he was. After I told him, he asked me, “so what are you going to do?” I quietly said, “nothing.” He said goodbye, and I was left there to face him. I surprised myself with talking as much as I did. I said a lot of things. I think about every third word was the ‘f’ word. I’m still mad as hell, but I said what I needed to say. Someone had obviously planted flowers and left some as well. It took a lot of will power not to rip them up. But I knew that would only hurt other people who are already hurting. Good news is that I have not had anymore nightmares.

That same night, Lily again asked about how you died. I knew I could not put this off any longer. So I told her as simply and honestly as I could. She asked so many questions! She asked where you were, where you got shot, where the ‘bad guy’ was, etc. I think we both handled it pretty well. Because I was so focused on telling her the simple honest truth I didn’t get emotional. She then said she wasn’t going to let the bad guy shoot you anymore. At her age, children do not understand the permanence of death. I could tell she was processing everything. We went to Kim and Julia’s to play that night and the first thing she did was tell them “my daddy was shot.” I told our families about her knowing so that they would not be shocked. I told them that if she asks a question and they don’t know how to answer, just say “that’s a good question, let’s ask mommy.”

Kim asked me that night how I was doing after telling her. I actually just felt relieved. A weight was off my shoulders. No more wondering when she was going to ask or if someone was going to say something to her before I could tell her. She did ask me several times after telling her if we were going to die in a car. Then after visiting my sister Stephanie and her family, she asked me why Emma’s daddy didn’t die. I had no answer except, “I don’t know.”

Lily is doing better in school. She is still pushing other kids, but not as much. She loves going to school. We went to the cider mill yesterday. It was freezing and muddy, but we had fun. She is still in dance class. We switched her class though because she was in a group that was for four to six year olds, and she just didn’t have the attention span for that. She still loves Ariel. I just bought her the DVD and she’s been watching it everyday. She also loves watching the video of you from work getting pepper sprayed. She asks a million questions. I told her the story how you couldn’t touch her that day. She doesn’t quite understand that part yet.

Yesterday I was sitting at Lily’s table eating dinner with her and she told me she had a secret to tell me. She whispered in my ear, “I love you so much and my daddy loves you so much.” She made me cry. It was so sweet to hear her say that to me. It was kind of like you conveyed the message to me through her.

I miss you, baby. I love you so much. Xoxoxo

Yvonne

October 13, 2006

Mark,
Thanks for having our backs Thursday night. You made sure we all came home safely!

Miss you Brother....

SHPD

October 13, 2006

Daddy,

God bless you. I want to give you flowers, bubbles, and kisses. Be careful walking up our stairs. Be safe. Don't burn yourself. Turn off the T.V. Turn off the radio. Be careful with the flowers. Close the drawers. I'm very happy. I love you. I don't know what to do. Movies are put away. Julia's my best friend. I brush my hair with your hair brush. Shake trees to get the leaves and apples.

llmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
mmmmmmmmmml
klkkkkk

That was word for word what Lily said she wanted to say for you. Then she wanted to type. I asked her if she wanted the L for Lily and she said no I want my daddy's. She found the M all on her own.

We love you and miss you so much. xoxoxo

Yvonne & Lily

October 12, 2006

Just wanted to stop in and leave a reflection and say that you have not been forgotten and leave this poem:

Poem by Richard Fife:

No person is ever truly alone.
Those who live no more,
Whom we loved,
Echo still within our thoughts,
Our words, our hearts.
And what they did,
And who they were,
Becomes a part of all that we are,
Forever.

Keep watch over your loved ones and protect them.

Bob Gordon, father of fallen Chicago Officer,
Michael P. Gordon, EOW: 8/8/04

Bob Gordon, Gold Star Father

October 11, 2006

I miss you....

October 11, 2006

Office Sawyers,
I've left a reflection on this site before, despite that I didn't know you or any of your family. I guess I'm drawn here because my brother is a police officer in Ohio, and I see things differently than I used to. I'm so sorry that you had to leave this earth so soon on your journey. No father should have to watch his daughter grow up from heaven, and it proves that life just isn't always fair. I struggle with your death and with how a decent, caring man who chose to protect and serve others, is cut short of the life he deserves. My faith tells me that there is a bigger plan for you, but I often can't wrap my arms around that. What can be bigger than being a husband and raising your daugther together with your wife. I know deep down that it isn't for me to question His plan, but I certainly haven't been able to figure some of these things out.

Mrs. Sawyers,
I am extremely sorry for your loss. You are an inspiration to all women, and I hope you recognize how strong you are. Your daughter obviously has a great role model, and she is lucky to have a mother who can teach her about life, happiness, as well as how to rise up and deal with difficult situations. Congratulations to you for finding the strength to continue on...no doubt, strength that comes from the love you share with your husband. I once had a friend who told me after losing her husband that sometimes she wasn't sure she could find the strength to breathe. I am so glad you have found that strength and wish you continued strength in the long journey you have ahead of you. I hope the community is standing behind you, showing you how grateful they are for your husband's scarifice. And I hope you know that he will never be forgotten. He lives on through you , your daughter, and everyone else he touched on earth.

Brandi
Concerned Citizen

October 10, 2006

Yvonne - everytime I hear this song I can't help but think of you. You are an amazing person, and you are respected and loved by so many people. I hope you know how many people (friends, family, and strangers alike) are there to support you and help you through the rough times. The memory of your husband is with me every day. I know that he is looking over his brothers and sisters in law enforcement. He is patroling the streets of Heaven, and will forever be your angel in blue.

I remember thinking
I'll go on forever only knowing
I'll see you again
But I know
The touch of you is so hard to remember
But like that touch I know no other

And for sure we have danced
In the risk of each other
Would like to dance
Around the world with me

I'll be falling all about my own thing
And I know your the heaviest weight
When your not here that's hung
Around my head

And your lips burn wild
Thrown from the face of a child
And in your eyes
The seeing of the greatest few
Do what you will, always
Walk where you like, your steps
Do as you please, I'll back you up

I remember thinking
Sometimes we walk
Sometimes we run away
But I know
No matter how fast we are running
Somehow we keep
Somehow we keep up with each other

I'll be falling all about my own thing
And i know your the heaviest weight
When your not here that's hung
Around my head

And your lips burn wild
Thrown from the face of a child
And in your eyes
The seeing of the greatest few
Do what you will, always
Walk where you like, your steps
Do as you please, I'll back you up
-Dave Matthews Band

Officer
Bay City Police

October 4, 2006

Yvonne,

This week has been full of milestones for you, and you have faced the challenges (as usual) with grace and dignity. Sometimes when we are on the phone, I find myself at a loss for words. (Ironic, given that we're usually on the line for hours~haha) I've watched you go from somewhat of a timid person who did not recognize her own wonderful attributes, to someone who can say "Bring it on #@%#...Gimme what you got"!

I'm sure that here will be more uphill battles as time goes on, but know that I will be here for you through it all!

I am so proud of you girl!

Kathy
xoxo

September 30, 2006

Mark,

I heard this poem by e.e. cummings in a movie...

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling) i fear

no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

I love you and miss you. What a wonderful dream last night. xoxo

Yvonne

September 30, 2006

Dear Mark,

I miss you and love you very much.

Love Mom

September 20, 2006