Family, Friends & Fellow Officers Remember...

Hi Sweetheart,

Today as I went to Bella's open house for Kindergarden I could'nt help but think of you. It made me so sad to think that you would be missing her first day of school. It made me think of how sometimes life can be unfair and yet at the same time, there's a purpose for what happens.

I'm tired of being angry and sad. I'm tired of feeling like I'm swimming in an ocean all alone. It is really hard to move on at times, when I see how much bella needs you. I had your three favorite colognes in my room on my dresser a couple months ago and one day I noticed that they where gone, I looked for them but could'nt find them. Until one day I was cleaning bella's room and I saw that she had hid them inside one of her dresser drawers. I asked her about it and she said that she wanted them because they reminded her of you and the way you smelled. I sat there and cried.

Last night as I was getting Bella to bed I noticed that she was sitting on the floor in her room with her head down. I went over to her and asked her what was wrong and saw that on her lap she had your favorite cologne and she had sprayed it all over her. I picked her up and asked her if she was thinking of you and she said yes that she missed you and she started to cry. All I could do was hold her tight and tell her that you where right there by her side taking care of her. She grabbed her favorite sleeping friend and sprayed him with your cologne and said that now it would be like if papi was sleeping next to her. She sprayed some on me too and said now you won't miss papi either. She misses you so much. This morning as we walked out to take her to school I could smell your cologne on her. She had sprayed it all over her hair and clothes again. All she said to me was, now I smell like papi and we walked out.
Sometimes I just feel like screaming WHY? when I see her little face and then at times I try to understand. and yet at times I pray that time will help us heal. It's like a roller coaster everyday. I don't get it.

Sometimes I have dreams of us getting old together and living the life we dreamed of and then sometimes I have dreams of that night when you where killed. I don't remember much of that night but it seems like at times I remember things that I had forgotten, it's like the pieces of a puzzle coming together.

I wish I could of been there with you, right when it happend but they did not let me see you til probably two hours after you had died. I wish I could of just kissed your warm lips one last time. I wish I never heard those words "I'm sorry, but we could'nt save him". I wish you would of came home like you said, I wish I was'nt told that you where conscious and that you where talking, I wish I could know if you suffered or thought about us, or felt pain or fought to stay here, I wish.....I wish.....you had not died...

August 25, 2005

My dear cousin, we miss you so much. During family gatherings, I can't help but think "Isaac would be here". You always made sure that we were all okay, and if we ever needed anything, you'd be there.

You have inspired so many. Walking around the fifth floor at the Hall of Justice, so many officers and PD personnel don your memorial star.

I wore your star to my interview. You are in my thoughts every step of the way. I'm almost there. Hopefully, all will turn out fine.

Renata, Bella, Auntie Carol, Uncle Isaac, and Regina, you all are in our prayers and hearts. I love you all!

Cousin Krys (Espinoza Fam.)

August 25, 2005

Isaac, I got a call saying you had been shot and they didnt know if you were going to make it. I remember when you got hurt the first time and got out of surgery I was right there. You were asking me how I was doing and I was like, no, how are you. I wished so much that you were going to always have trouble with your leg so you would stay off those streets. I new how dangerous it was. I remember telling you "Well this is good Isaac , Maybe they will give you an easy desk job." And Your facial expression I will never forget. You were determined to do whatever it took to get better. I always thought that when you got hurt it was telling us ok wake up Isaac has a dangerous job here he could get seriously injured or even get killed. But I never thought it would happen. The last time I saw you was at a funeral. I sat right next to you. You looked so handsome. My gosh you were so buff, your upper body you looked so beautifully handsome. You asked me how I was and how my house was coming along. I said great. (you never even had a chance to see it.) I can still remember your face, your innocent eyes. That was our last conversation. Little did i know that would be the last time i would ever see you again living and breathing. When i got the call from my Mom She whispered into the phone she couldnt even talk she said "Isaac, he didnt make it", and she screamed into the phone in tears and I screamed into the phone in tears. I couldnt stop crying I couldnt hold it together I wanted to scream outside WHY! Why is this happening to my family. Why did you have to go out like this! Why......I still ask. The last thing I ever could have imagined was that I would be sitting right next to you again.. but only this time Isaac it would be at your funeral...
Your cousin who misses you so much Antonette

August 25, 2005

the way i miss you and the way i want you to come back so bad is painful. but when i think about...its nothing compared to what renata goes through. i stare at bella and see you through her beautiful eyes. i want to hug her so tite. and i look at renata and i want so bad to talk to her about everything but i just dont know if its right or if its in my place. what do i do. watch over them isaac in so many ways you have a unique and strong family.

August 22, 2005

ZAK- I still have nightmares about that night we lost you, the confusion, the shock, the "what if's" and "why's" that echo. I wake up in a pool of sweat because: I get shot at, get captured by thugs, and shoot and chase heavily armed bad guys. I am thankful that I was there, if that makes sense, to have had those last moments to see you. Only two of us were allowed to stand watch in triage, and I was one (I inadvertantly left my partner and pushed my way in, sorry Rich, survival instinct). The rest of the city was on a strict mission, on their way over(some still in their pj's), and maintained a powerful vigil outside (the lobby was at beyond capacity). An inspector handed me a large brown paper bag, and lastly, a black glove- yours. WHY was I standing in a hospital holding MY fellow officers', my friends' clothing!? I looked across the hall at the other officer, and we shook our heads "NO" and broke down in tears. We remained with Isaac until we were booted out by supervisors, about one hour total, before family was allowed to come in. I was ticked off and argued with a Sgt. when I had to give the brown bag away to him before leaving triage. I walked out into the lobby by the nurse's desk, and was led to a room where the Espinoza family mourned. Renata sat at the end of a table with her head down and a blank stare of disbelief, something she should never have had to go through (or continue to go through). Through swollen and puffy eyes, I focused a bit, and saw Isaac's star around Renata's neck. There was absolutely nothing that I could say or do to comfort her, and because of that, I felt helpless and even more, angry. I didn't know whether to go back out on the street and help search, or stay with family and friends. Renata, I don't forget, and I won't forgive, I don't have to... I pray for you, I think of you often, I talk to Isaac and ask him to help me with my anger because I NEVER saw HIM angry...God bless.

SFPD

August 21, 2005

I know I haven't wrote in hecka long. Its not that ive been busy or anything but that I just dont know what to say. I went camping with Bella and Renata. I think we all had lots of fun. Bella, is so cute and has grown up fast. Her hair is so long now and I can tell she wants to be just like her mom. She layed next to her and said she was "tanning," she shows me her nails that her mom painted purple. She so cute. She's very smart too. Uses big words for her age. She told me that the lake was "disgusting" and she couldnt swim it. From the last time I seen her, her hair got so long! She amazes me with the stuff she says. She told me her middle name was Ariel and I actually believed her. lol. Me and her made dreamcatchers the day before we left to camp. It took us like 2 hours but we got the job done._(:_ Shes such a big girl now. She misses you. I cant believe Renata hiked half dome. But I knew she could do it. If anything, she was the only one that was actually in shape and able to do it. haha...she now is a half domer. That was a big accomplishment. Now, I want to do it next year. Me and Aunty Sharon are going to do it. lol. We'll try. :) Well, Isaac I miss you! Hear you in my prayers and see you in my dreams. never say goodbye.

Fina

August 21, 2005

RENATA,
I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU DO IT.YOU ARE
SUCH A STRONG,BRAVE WOMAN.YOUR HUSBAND IS LOOKING DOWN ON YOU WITH A SMILE.I HAVE CRIED SO MUCH READING WHAT YOU WRITE TO HIM.YOU HAVE SUCH AN AWESOME SUPPORT SYSTEM.I KNOW THAT OUR WORDS ONLY HEAL YOUR PAIN TEMPORARILY,BUT KNOW THAT GOD KNOWS THAT YOU AND BELLA DESERVE SOME PEACE.HE WILL GIVE IT TO YOU.I JUST FOUND OUT OF ISAAC FROM VIEWING DEP.ORTIZ REFLECTIONS.I HAVE ADDED YOU AND BELLA TO OUR PRAYERS.PLEASE TAKE COMFORT IN KNOWING THAT EVEN THOUGH WE'VE NEVER MET,OUR THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS ARE WITH YOUR FAMILY.P.S BELLA IS BUEATIFUL.SHE LOOKS JUST LIKE HER DADDY.GOD BLESS YOU.CONTINUE YOUR FIGHT FOR ISAAC.STAY STRONG. UNTIL NEXT TIME

August 17, 2005

REnata,

You are more than welcome for the gifts. You and Bella have captured our hearts and I can't tell you how much your strength and courage as a mother inspires me. My son is so taken by Isaac that he sleeps with Isaac's picture under his pillow. Renata, your pain is so real to me and I wish sometimes there was something I could do to make you feel better. I'm thankful that you feel the sense to go on and that we have helped you to carry on. You are right, even though we have never met...we do care and will continue to care. Many of us will continue to pray for you, Bella, and the rest of the Espinoza family. Thank you for the note to my Academy Class...but we are the ones who should be thanking you for letting us share in your life, these reflections and the dedication of Palomar Police Academy Class 12 to Isaac. God Bless you and your family and always remember...
Phil 1:3

Shanon Dreyer
Palomar College Police Academy

August 16, 2005

Dear Palomar Police Academy Class 12 and Escondido Police Department,

I just wanted say Thank you so much for all that you have done for our family. Thank you for the amazing and wonderful gifts that you sent to Bella for her birthday. Her "My Daddy would..." t-shirts will be something that she will always be proud of wearing, they are beautiful. I smile as I write because there have been many times when I just want to give up and not go on. Not caring about anything, feeling like this world is full of evil, but yet being able to see the love and caring that you have shown us not even ever meeting Isaac or my family. Not even knowing us you have felt some of the pain that we have and I'm glad that Isaac's death has not been invain. I see it everyday when I read about how his death has changed and touched many lives. I pray that you and your families be blessed always.
Remember that now you too have a Guardian Angel in Blue watching over you. Thank you again.

Gratefully,
Renata Espinoza

August 16, 2005

Isaac we got home from Puerto Vallarta last night, and and even as far away as there, your were the talk of our family. My husband has kept his silence for a long time, but while we were there he said to me " you know each morning when I go to work, I look around for Isaac to see if his car is parked or if he is driving around the corner, (especially now that your car is gone) I really miss him". While we were in Vallarta and saw any young cute guy that had fila flip fops, or white legs everyone yelled out "Isaac get a tan on those legs, or "Isaac those flip flops, no (especially Monica). You are missed so much, that no matter were we go, you are always in our hearts. Just saw Bella and told me about Disneyland, that she had fun, and she was going to show me her pictures. She also showed me her little pierced earrings, and how she already lost one. She is adorable. We miss you every day of our lives.

sonia

August 16, 2005

Isaac, I miss you so much , today, I have just been thinking of you and have beenteary eyed for a couple of weeks now.I wish you would of been there with us as Disneyland for your Bella's birhtday. She misses you so much.I pray everyday the Lord give her and Nina strenght to go on, they have alot to live for together. I miss your bright smile & your clowning around... someday,someday I will see you again and give you a big hug and tell you that I love you! then , there will be no more pain. Always thinking of you...

Biv's

Sister VM

August 15, 2005

I am so sorry that it has taken me this long to write a reflection. Every time I start I can not find the words. Reading the last reflection from Renata made me realize that regardless of the words that are put down you deserve the respect and admiration of doing something now, becasue "Isaac Would."

I want to thank you for being such an inspiration to so many people. I can not believe the INCREDIBLE motivation that you and your family have provided to Palomar College Academy Class 12. Thank You! I can not beleive the inspiration that you are providing for every day citizens in my sleepy little town of Escondido, again Thank You.

Most of all I want to say Thank You for being an inspiration to me and my brothers and sisters in law enforcement. There have been some incredible bonds that have been made and true colors and hearts of gold of people have shown through with your inspiration. Your inspiration has strengthened bonds between myself and others and I thank you so much for guiding us to that.

My thoughts and prayers are with your family, friends, and brothers and sisters of the San Francisco Police Department. Once again, THANK YOU for your inspiration.....................

RAA #1354
Escondido PD

August 15, 2005

Hi Sweetheart,

I miss you so much today. It feels like we have been away from our home for so long, but now we are back where we belong. I have been thinking of you and missing you alot lately. I guess its because Bella and I have been gone for so long and doing the "family" things without you. She had such a wonderful time in Disneyland but she could'nt help but to mention you everytime, reminding me of the first time we took her there two years ago. She wanted so bad to go on the ride you took her on the one with the snow monster. She kept telling everyone that that was the first ride she was going to go on and how her daddy took her on it and how she was not scared. But when we got there and where standing there she looked at it and said she did not want to go on anymore. I know she was a little scared, but I know that if you where there she would of gone on with you like the first time. Even being scared. You made her feel so safe. Everything in that park reminded me of you and when we went with her. How I wished you where there. I had to put on my brave face for her and not cry, but it was so hard not to feel empty inside without you. I'm sure you saw how happy she was.
Then we went camping with the "guys". It was like back in the days when we all used to get together at each others houses and BBQ with our families or just go away for the weekend. The kids running around playing like brothers and sisters and the wives preparing the food while you guys had drinks, told high school stories and made fun of each other and remembered how we all got together in high school. Remember when you guys always tried to compete against each other? it was so hilarious.

Bella and I went camping with your boys and their families the usual high school gang. As I was driving there, I kept thinking if this was a good idea since everytime we got together you where there with us. You where already being missed. We had a great time there but it was so hard for me. I kept seeing the guys there with the girls and the kids and missed you cause Bella and I where there without you. You where the one missing from our family. They reminded me of you so much and of all the good times we shared as a family with them. I tried the hardest to stay away from them for a while because it hurt so much to see them with you missing. It was like you guys where the three amigos, It just did not seem right. I miss them and those good times we had. The guys love Bella so much they treat her like one of their children, like you would of treated their kids if something happened to them. They spend so much time with Bella at camp. She was so happy. It felt like home again. They made me feel like you where there.
I want you to know that Rick, Gerry and I hiked Half Dome yesterday.(I know what where we thinking!) I don't know what got into me but I decided to hike it with them. It took us 10 1/2 hours and 18 miles later to hike it roundtrip. It was one of the hardest things that I have done in my life. At one point I thought we weren't gonna make it all the way, but we never let either one of us give up. We talked about you on the way up there, and laughed because we knew that if you would of been there you and G would of been racing to see who would get up the mountain faster and we joked about how you guys would probably leave R behind. We laughed but inside we where all sad and missing you. I told the guys that I had to do it and represent you since you werent there. I smiled when they said I was one of the guys now. When we got to the top of Half Dome I sat there speechless and breathless thinking of what I had accomplished. I took out one of your stars and left it there cause I know you where with me the whole time. How I wish you could of seen me. I was so proud of myself. Thank you so much for helping me. As I sit here and watch our daughter sleep, I thank God for her and you. There is so much that I have yet to learn and accomplish, so much that I have to live for. So much that Bella has to see and do in her life and with you by her side. You are missed.

I love you Isaac, I always will.

August 13, 2005

I woke up Wedensday at 3AM thinking of you and I started to cry and I cried and cried. I was at court Tuesday and it looks like the pre-lim may be getting closer. I cannot tell you how the thought of the pre-lim has cased the wound to open and the pain to feel like new. I hurt at just the thought of sitting there in court hearing about your death AND SEEING THAT EVIL PERSON ACCUSED OF KILLING YOU.

It was just a few months ago that I thought that perhaps I was getting better. That maybe the pain of losing you was getting a little better, but all that is gone for the thought of the pre-lim hearing has caused the pain to grow again.

Pain or no pain, I will be there in court. My husband asked me if that was good for me, to be in court, and all I could say was that I needed to be there. It is as though I am being called there. I have no answer as to why, but my inner self is demanding that I be there. Could it be that I might feel closer to you for just one moment, just hearing people talk about you? Could it be that you are calling me? Could it be that it is my way of supporting you? I just do not know the answer, but I will be there.
Auntie

August 13, 2005

TO THE FAMILY OF OFFICER ESPINOZA,
I HAVE BEEN READING ALL OF THE REFLECTIONS SINCE THIS TRAGEDY OCCURED,THIS IS MY FIRST TIME WRITING.I CANNOT HELP BUT TO CRY FOR YOUR LOSS.I SEE WHAT A WONDERFUL SON,HUSBAND,DADDY,OFFECER AND THE LIST GOES ON.I WISH THAT I COULD UNDERSTAND THESE KIND OF THINGS.MY HEART ACHES FOR ALL OF YOU.I NEVER HAD THE PRIVLEDGE OF MEETING OFFICER ESPINOZA OR YOUR FAMILY BUT BEING THE WIFE OF A DEPUTY,HOPEFULLY WE WILL ALL MEET ONE DAY.TO BELLA AND RENATA I WISH YOU THE BEST IN LIFE AND WITH YOUR HEALING PROCESS.I HOPE THAT THE COWARD WHO ROBBED YOU OF YOUR ISAAC,HAS HIS JUDGEMENT DAY SOON!GOD BLESS

August 11, 2005

Isaac,
I just wanted to say how much your missed. Joe and I often talk about you and laugh at your sense of humor,and the stories you would share. He has always looked up to you. You have become such an inspiration to him. You have motivated him to strive hard in everything that he does.
He goes to the gym everyday to work out and in his routine he makes sure that he includes his pull ups.(he's up to 39)
He's always saying there for Isaac.
You would be proud of him.
He loves and misses you so much.
We often see Bella and Renata.
Bella is a little "Minnie You" she is looking more like you everyday.
Isaac, you will be forever in our thoughts and in our Prayers.
We Love You.
Auntie

Virginia Poni

August 10, 2005

Brother , I think of you and miss you every day . You are always in my heart and mind.
Love you always Bro,
Eggy

August 9, 2005

To the wife of Officer Espinoza,

I felt compelled to write to you today.
I met you at SBC Park and I wish we had a chance to talk. Some of the things that I've read that you've written to your husband is how I feel about my husband and how hard it is to go on with life, especially knowing that Larry won't be here to celebrate each milestone that my son reaches. I clearly remember hearing the news of your husband's death and how much it affected my husband. Little did I know then that we would someday share the same pain of losing the one we love. I guess all we can do is find some comfort in the memories of our husbands. God bless you and your daughter. Your husband and your family will always be in my thoughts.

Jo Ann Lasater
Wife of Officer Larry Lasater

August 6, 2005

It is shameful and a disgrace that Isaac was so brutally murdered on April 10, 2004 and there has not yet been a preliminary hearing, but simply another continuance. May justice prevail in this matter. It will not bring Isaac back to his loved ones, but his family and fellow officers deserve justice for the supreme sacrifice Isaac made in serving his community with valor and bravery. Phyllis Loya, mother of Larry Lasater, Pittsburg P.D. eow 4/24/05

phyllis Loya, mother of fallen officer

August 6, 2005

Happy birthday Bell!
i hope you had a fun day!And enjoy everyday as a kid!
kaiana

kaiana balisinski
Palomar Police Academy

August 3, 2005

Happy Birthday Bella,

I know that I cant give you the present that you want most, but I know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I hope that one day you will know how much you have impacted our lives and how much YOU and your family mean to us.

Isaac,

What can I say? You are watching your daughter grow up from so far away. Its not right. You should be there blowing her candles out with her and eating her cake. Watch over your daughter on such a special day. You are her guardian angel and she will need you in the years to come.

To the Espinoza family,

You are on the Class 12's mind each and every day. We remember you with everything we do. I hope that your day with Bella was full of joy and memories. Do everything with God in your heart and peace on your mind....because ISAAC WOULD.

Cadet James Cataline
Palomar College Police Academy

August 3, 2005

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BELLA !!!

I'm sure that you had a wonderful time at Disneyland and gave Mickey and Minnie a run for their money. I bet the magic kingdom was all the more magic with you and your smile there with them...

You are in my thoughts and in my prayers each and every day. You are a beautiful angel and on this special day we are all blessed to be a part of it with you.

Officer Damian Jackson
Escondido PD / Class 12 Training Officer

August 2, 2005

Happy Birthday Bella! You are in my thoughts and prayers every day, especially today!!!

Shanon Dreyer

August 2, 2005

I miss you!

Cousin

July 30, 2005

Renata,
You are such a beautiful person. The other night Officer Jackson showed us Isaac’s Memorial video, and I caught my self-trying to hold back tears, until I the part where you and Bella were at Isaac’s funeral and I could not hold back the tears. In fact I am starting to tear up as I am writing this. When I saw you on the video talking about Isaac, I caught my self smiling to see you light up. You two had a great love for one another you can see it in the way you talked about him and how you two looked in your pictures. As well as you could tell how much he cares for Bella. That was so refreshing to see. That is the type of love that everyone should endure. All year long we have had a picture hanging up on our wall of Isaac and it was great to see him on the video. I can see why people have nothing but the best to say about him as well as why Officer Jackson had us dedicate our class to him. As I have written before I am striving to be half the officer Isaac is. I have a sticker that says “Isaac Would…” and it is in my car under my speedometer, I see it everyday I am driving anywhere. Especially helps me when I am so tired and I want to go home but I look at that and it perks me back up. That is my motivator. I feel blessed everyday I go to the academy and thank God that I found something I actual enjoy and I am going to do for the rest of my life. Because I have had my share of hard struggles growing up and I am only 21 years old I still have a long career ahead of me and I know everyday when I go 10-8 and I am wearing blue, I will be the best I can always going to give my all because “Isaac Would…” and that phrase is going to stick with me for the rest of my life. Your family has had a big impact on my life and I can only thank you for sharing your loved one with our class. I do not have words to describe what that means to me. There is so much I want to express to you and your family but I cannot find where to start or what exactly what to say. My prayers are with you and your family.

Bella,
You are so young and full of energy. Keep on being a kid!

kaiana balisinski
Palomar Police Academy

July 29, 2005