Family, Friends & Fellow Officers Remember...

As hours,days and months go by I sit here and feel trapped in time
As the sun rises each morning I sit here and feel trapped in darkness
As I look around and see smiles I sit here and feel trapped in sorrow
As I see people trying to cope with your loss I sit here and feel trapped in disbelief
As we go on reminicing each day about your life I sit here and feel trapped in our memories
As I tell myself each day that I will get thru it I sit here and feel trapped in weakness
As I pray that you will watch over us I sit here and feel trapped in loneliness
As I see justice trying to take place I sit here and feel trapped in anger
As I watch our daughter miss you I sit here and feel trapped in pain
As I long for you each day and tell myself its all a dream I find myself trapped in love
As I try to reason and as why I sit here and find myself trapped......

October 6, 2005

Isaac, I know you are watching as things unfold here in your honor. I'm so proud of all the people who are banding together for one common goal. The training officers and cadets have been moved to different offices and classrooms after a re-model. People who moved into the old Training office took your star and "Isaac would..." off of the door. Damian pulled me outside of the window of his new office lastnight and showed me the new place for your star and "Isaac would..." He was so proud Isaac. Although we never knew you, I know Damian knows you and is just like you in so many ways. What an impact you and your family have made on all of us. You are in our thoughts constantly. I am reminded of you at home. My son carries a small picture of you in a folder of his and he wears a Large "Isaac would..." t-shirt every night to bed. He swims in the shirt, but he loves it and loves to hear about you.

Renata, Bella, Mr. and Mrs. Espinoza,
thank you from the bottom of my heart for everything you are letting us do in Isaac's memory. I can't wait to meet you to tell you that in person. You are in my prayers and in my heart daily.

God bless and keep you.

Shanon Dreyer
Palomar College

October 5, 2005

Tears flow down my my face no stream down my face when I here the reflections of you. you took care of your family and freinds. you were a genuine person. I miss you .....

September 30, 2005

Baby, Thank you one for our team! I am so happy.

September 30, 2005

I got this message from a co-worker today and the first thing I thought of was Isaac and the family. Like Isaac has in so many ways, it reminds us to treasure what we have in life and to always remember how truly blessed we are to have each other in our lives, if for however short a time...

God bless you all. I'm sorry it has been a while since I have written here, but not an an hour of a day goes by that you are not within my heart and within my thoughts. You are with me, always, in all that I do.

- Officer Damian Jackson
Escondido PD / Palomar Police Academy

*************************************

I walked into the grocery store not particularly interested in buying
groceries. I wasn't hungry. The pain of losing my husband of 57 years
was still too raw. And this grocery store held so many sweet memories.

He often came with me and almost every time he'd pretend to go off and
look for something special. I knew what he was up to. I'd always spot
him walking down the aisle with the three yellow r oses in his hands.

He knew I loved yellow roses. With a heart filled with grief, I only
wanted to buy my few items and leave, but even grocery shopping was
different since he had passed on.

Shopping for one took time, a little more thought than it had for two.

Standing by the meat, I searched for the perfect small steak and
remembered how he had loved his steak.

Suddenly a woman came beside me. She was blonde, slim and lovely in a
soft green pantsuit. I watched as she picked up a large package of
T-bones, dropped them in her basket.. hesitated, and then put them back.
She turned to go and once again reached for the pack of steaks.

She saw me watching her and she smiled. "My husband loves T-bones, but
honestly, at these prices, I don't know."

I swallowed the emotion down my throat and met her pale blue eyes.

"My husband passed away eight days ago," I told her. Glancing at the
package in her hands, I fought to control the tremble in my voice. "Buy
him the steaks. And cherish every moment you have together."

She shook her head and I saw the emotion in her eyes as she placed the
package in her basket and wheeled away.

I turned and pushed my cart across the length of the store to the dairy
products. There I stood, trying to decide which size milk I should buy.
A Quart, I finally decided and moved on to the ice cream. If nothing
else, I could always fix myself an ice cream cone.

I placed the ice cream in my cart and looked down the aisle toward the
front. I saw first the green suit, then recognized the pretty lady
coming towards me. In her arms she carried a package. On her face was
the brightest smile I had ever seen. I would swear a soft halo encircled
her blonde hair as she kept walking toward me, her eyes holding mine.

As she came closer, I saw what she held and tears began misting in my
eyes. "These are for you," she said and placed three beautiful long
stemmed yellow roses in my arms. "When you go through the line, they
will know these are paid for." She leaned over and placed a gentle kiss
on my cheek, then smiled again. I wanted to tell her what she'd done,
what the roses mean t, but still unable to speak, I watched as she
walked away as tears clouded my vision.

I looked down at the beautiful roses nestled in the green tissue
wrapping and found it almost unreal. How did she know? Suddenly the
answer seemed so clear. I wasn't alone.

Oh, you haven't forgotten me, have you? I whispered, with tears in my
eyes. He was still with me, and she was his angel.

Every day be thankful for what you have and who you are.

Even though I clutch my blanket and growl when the alarm rings. Thank
you, Lord, that I can hear. There are many who are deaf.

Even though I keep my eyes closed against the morning light as long as
possible. Thank you, Lord , that I can see. Many are blind.

Even though I huddle in my bed and put off rising. Thank you, Lord, that
I have the strength to rise. There are many who are bedridden.

Even though the first hour of my day is hectic, when socks are lost,
toast is burned, tempers are short, and my children are so loud.

Thank you, Lord, for my family. There are many who are lonely.

Even though our breakfast table never looks like the picture in
magazines and the menu is at times unbalanced.

Thank you, Lord, for the food we have. There are many who are hungry.

Even though the routine of my job often is monotonous. Thank you, Lord,
for the opportunity to work. There are many who have no job.

Even though I grumble and bemoan my fate from day to day and wish my
circumstances were not so modest.

Thank you, Lord, for life.

A friend is someone we turn to when
our spirits need a lift. A friend is someone to treasure.

For friendship is a gift. A friend is someone who fills our lives with
Beauty, Joy and Grace and makes the world we live in a better and
happier place.

YOU ARE MY FRIEND!

Officer D. Jackson
Escondido PD

September 29, 2005

Big Cousin-

Thank-u. You gave me the biggest hug of all! Haa. I find it hard to talk when I'm with family, there's nothing that I can say or do to make anything "better". It seems now that its your smiles and hugs that make me go on, your strength. You hit the nail on the head with a job that I love and hate, I hate the loss of a friend and the potential for it to happen again. I've pushed people away because I don't want to get close. I don't forget, and I don't forgive. You are always in my prayers, my thoughts, and my tears...I'm sorry.

co. c.-mids
sfpd

September 29, 2005

Son:

Nothing around us has changed and at the same time everything has changed. They say life goes on but it feels like life has stopped for us. The joy, the laughter and the light you brought into our lives all gone. There is no one who will ever take your place. I cannot see you, but I know you are here. I carry you with me everywhere I go. I see you in every room, at every occasion, in every good prayer and song. I do not know what tomorrow will bring or if tomorrow will even come. Just like you, I will be the best I can be today, although my best today is less than half of the best I was when you were with us. You were more than I ever imagined you could be. The two things that amazed me the most was how I saw that you were such a good husband and a loving father. You were in all ways a wonderful son. You gave life everything you had to give; you served all of us with love, compassion and respect. I miss the way it was. Now I wait for God to show me how I am supppose to live the rest of my life, in hope and in His love, without you. One day at a time. One event at a time. One moment at a time. I love you my treasured son.

Mom

September 26, 2005

Once in a lifetime you get a chance to find your soulmate your perfect match.
Once in a lifetime you get to love unconditionally with such passion and devotion.
Once in a lifetime you feel complete and full of hope.
Once in a lifetime you smile and laugh like you never thought possible.
Once in a lifetime you get to make memories that will last forever, and say thousands of words that will never be forgotten.
Once in a lifetime you get a chance to live life to the fullest with no regrets and no doubts.
You get to choose whether you want happiness or wealth, Love or hate.
Once in a lifetime you are lead to the path you are suppose to take and still given the chance if you want to take it or not.
Once in a lifetime you get a chance to have that fairytale life, that life that only a few are wise in taking advantage of when they see it.
Once in a lifetime you get to hear the laughter of your children, and see the smile on their faces, hug them everyday and appreciate how precious of a gift they are. Unique and special in everyway. One chance to do right by them. To love them and make time for them.
Once in a lifetime you get to see you in their eyes, you get to experience true innocence.
Once in a lifetime you get to feel needed and wanted.
Once in a lifetime you find your first love, your other half, your everyday breath, your heart, the person you will grow old with and yet always feel like it was the first day you met.
Once in a lifetime you get to love and be love
Once in a lifetime you get a chance to say "I LOVE YOU" and not be too late.......

September 26, 2005

Renata,

After reading your relections I feel the need to respond to something you wrote about Bella's first day of school. You said you wished Isaac was there, but I want to tell you he was.

I want to tell you my story. I left my baby's father when she was two months old. He was mean and abusive to me and I had to leave him. He died when his daughter was 8 years old. He never saw his daughter, and for that I hated him. After years of hate, I turn to God and asked him to let me forgive him. One day I went to Church and forgave him, after all, he gave me a beautiful daughter. When I got in the car a song sang out to me, "Forever in my mind", by Wille Nelson. You see, my husband was a county boy, so I knew the song was from him. Renata, Isaac was there that first day. We do not see them, but they are there. They watch over us. You and Bella would forever have an angle watching over you. His name is Isaac, just as my daughter has her father watching over her.

September 25, 2005

Re: 10-7

So glad you did stop by, seeing your face just reminded me of all the love a support you have given to Iz and our family since day one. Please know, I think the world of your strength to go on too, doing what you love and probably hate at times, but you and your team make it a better place for us to live in, for Bella to grow up in.

It's hard for us ALL! Just knowing as one united family we will find the strength to continue on with the best mememories as well as some of the worst, but this is life, no one said it would be easy. Together we will get though this, just one day at a time. I hope to see you soon. Please feel free to stop by anytime. Stay Safe!

Big Cousin

September 25, 2005

things have changed...my life is changing and in my head I think its for a good cause but is it really? Time for a new start. Im starting out fresh I wiped my slate clean. I can breathe again. I love you Isaac you helped me through this....ill be seeing you...

September 22, 2005

To 9/15/05:
Find Happiness in something. Find a something you really enjoy doing. Find someone you really trust and confide in them. Hang out with positive people. Thats what Issac would have done.

September 22, 2005

Family-
I stopped by Isaac's 10-7 room to rest before another court case. I couldn't watch any of the prelim., I had no strength to enter that room with a clear head- and armed. You walked into the 10-7 room and I froze. I just wanted to walk out and cry, but I gave all of you hugs, and you all managed to push out a smile- even family I had never met gave me hugs! I talked to Carol for a bit and saw Isabella in her face and eyes. Carol told me that Bella is "precious" and close to Renata, the most positive memory of my day. Thank-you for getting to know me, just another officer on the street, one of many...please know that we love Isaac and whether we express it or not, always think of him and his family. Please be strong. God bless.

sfpd co. c.

September 22, 2005

Hi Sweetheart,

Sorry I have'nt been able to write to you lately. I never expected the prelim. hearing to be as difficult as it has been. These past couple of days have been so stressful and frustrating. Sitting in court hearing all the evidence makes me go back to that saturday night when you died. I sit there and pray to God that they don't surprise me with something I did not hear about or see. I sit there scared hoping I will not see pictures of the scene or the way you looked laying on the street. Then I look over to the defense side and just want to jump over the rail and wipe that smurk of the face of your murderer. He just sits there not caring how much he has changed our lives and has destroyed all our dreams. I wish I could scream out to his defense lawyer to stop objecting to everything when he knows that his client is GUILTY! I thought that It might of been a little bit easier but its not. The feelings of sadness and anger fill my heart when I sit there in that court room. and then I say to myself be strong, be patient, its only the beginning you havent heard or seen nothing yet! This is so unreal. The way I sit there and tell myself that you are not dead, that that is not you they are talking about. I just ask for more strength to be able to sit there and take it all. To be able to relive your death again. That you make sure he gets what he deserves. Just help me make it thru this.
Your memory will forever live in my heart. A memory of hope and dreams. A memory that makes me smile and yet at other times cry. A memory that gives me strength and brings me to my knees. A memory of promises made and kept, of dreams come true, of a life of happiness. And a memory of broken hearts and shattered lives. Your memory of sacrifice, and hard work of joy and laughter. A memory of unconditional love, strength and faith. A memory that keeps me going everyday, that I live with every moment that I breath, the memory of you that you took and the one you left behind. Your memory my love will always live in my heart and will never be forgotten. I love you!

September 21, 2005

Isaac we dearly miss you, you will always be in our hearts.

Sonia

September 20, 2005

TO 9-15-05
I KNOW THAT YOU HAVE PROBABLY HEARD THIS ONE TO MANY TIMES,ABOUT HAVING FAITH,IT HAS PROBABLY FAILED YOU.BUT LOOK AT THE BRIGHTER SIDE YOU MUST HAVE ALOT OF PEOPLE WHO REALLY LOVE YOU AND ADMIRE YOUR STRENTH AND COURAGE.YOU DONT KNOW ME BUT I THINK THAT I KNOW WHO YOU ARE.IF YOU EVER NEED TO TALK I HAVE AND STILL AM SUFFERING ENORMOUS LOSS...UNTIL NEXT TIME,VP

September 20, 2005

To Isaac's friends and family,
I am so sorry for your loss. From what i can tell it seems that Isaac was always looking out for his family, friends and the people of San Francisco. There are not always enough kind people in this world but reading about the type of person Isaac was leaves me in awe. I was moved to post a message to show my respect for him. Such kindness and selflessness and loved by so many, I thank him for the person he was and for all those he looked out for. I will keep he and his friends and family always in my prayers. God Bless.

September 20, 2005

Dear 9/15/05: Walk the path of love. Forgive others. Live in peace. Do not be judgemental. Be very patient. Trust in the Lord. He will show you His way. You'll know when it "feels right and happy." Talk things over with two or three people you trust and respect. Don't be afraid. Let them share with you what they think or feel. Pray about it. Then you decide. Learn to trust your inner good self.

September 15, 2005

im having so many problems. sometimes i dont know if im wrong or right. time after time i hesitate and wonder if this is the way i should be living? is it? im soo confused, mad at everybody my heart aches. what do i do..

September 15, 2005

Dear Renata,
I am thinking of you and Isabella today, and praying for your peace of mind. It's going to take along time to understand the reasons why Isaac was taken from us, but in the bible it says, "God works in mysterious ways," which makes me angry because I don't understand that verse. I know you are angry, just as we all are, but know in your heart everyday that my cousin loved you with all his heart and soul. He was in love with you from day 1, and wanted to spend his entire life with you. You and Bella were Isaac's world. I love you both, and may someday you find peace in this crazy world we live in...............

Cousin

September 8, 2005

Renata,

Thinking of you and Bella tonight as I am here at my desk and looking at Isaacs picture on a piece of paper that says "Push for something...remembering Officer Isaac Espinoza" something that our cadets made up to motivated them. They always do one extra push-up for Isaac every time they "push". Your family is constantly in my prayers. I'm sure Bella started kindergarten this year...and for the past couple of weeks you both have been on my mind constantly. I wanted to share something with you that my dad e-mailed me. The subject was words to live by and it helps me when I need it, I hope it helps you too....

"Live simply, love generously, care deeply, speak kindly, and leave the rest up to God." HE will carry you.

Blessings

Shanon Dreyer

September 4, 2005

RENATA,
YOU DO NOT KNOW ME BUT YOU HAVE INSPIRED ME IN SO MANY WAYS.I HAVE LEARNED TO VALUE EVERYONE IN MY LIFE BECAUSE OF YOU.THERE IS NOT A DAY THAT GOES BY THAT I DO NOT THINK OF YOU AND BELLA.I PRAY FOR YOUR FAMILIES EVERY NIGHT.ESPECIALLY YOU AND BELLA.I WISH THAT I COULD CHANGE WHAT HAPPENED BUT I CAN'T.I WISH THE BEST FOR YOU IN EVERY ASPECT OF LIFE.THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR SHARING YOUR THOUGHTS OF ISSAC WITH US.THANKS TO YOU I LOOK AT LIFE ALOT DIFFERENT NOW.UNTIL NEXT TIME
VP.

September 2, 2005

Isaac,

Had a dream. I was sitting in the back of a Train, where it was going? I don't know, but I do know that as I looked out the window I saw the most beautiful sunset out to my left and across the hall on my right I saw the most specacular Dawn? How could that be? I don't know, but it was so peaceful. Then the door at the front of the car I was in opened and I saw Renata and her sister walk in, they both looked worried and Renata kept calling out to you. As I watched this go on and they got closer to where I was at, I noticed that you were sitting two rows infront of where I was at, when Renata got to where you were at she stopped. But she couldn't see you. Her eyes filled with tears and she called out your name. Then you got up and put your hands around her, she stopped crying, and seemed to gather strength, but still she couldn't see you. You looked over to where I was at and I asked? Why? What keeps her from seeing, him right next to her? The reply I got was, the line between this world and the world to come. He is always there for her, yet she cannot see him, just feels him all around her.
I aksed you what the train meant?
"Its life" and the beauty you see outside the windows is "Heaven"

Renata- I keep you in my daily prayers.
God Bless you always!

Julie

August 30, 2005

Just wanted to say that you are always on my mind. And it pains me to read what your family is going through. It's not fair that there is nothing we can take to make the pain go away. I ask that you help your parents, sister wife and daughter get through this. Please heal them...help them to be strong

August 28, 2005

I went to see you Wed. after court. I got out of my car with my uniform on, which I often wear when I visit. The landscapers stopped what they were doing to see where I was going. After a few steps, they realized where I was going, and just stood there. Even after you are gone, everyone knows and respects you. Everyone knows that what was done, was beyond wrong and incomprehensible. With the reflections of your friends and family, we live, and think of you often. Some don't or can't express how they feel, and for those people, I ask that you look after closely. I'm scared to lose another friend. Renata, Bella, Regina, Carol, Sr., and family, God bless you and yours and thank-you for Isaac. I still wear my mourning band, and will NEVER take it off!

Off. Patty Brown
Bayview - SFPD

August 28, 2005