Family, Friends & Fellow Officers Remember...

Renata,

As I drove into work today I thought of you and Mrs. Espinoza. I pray for you all everyday. I just read your most recent reflection Renata. You write so explicitly that I feel your pain...it seems so real and my heart aches for you. I pray that our Father gives you the strengh to be there for Bella and to live through this pain. I know God is in yor life and I truly believe He will see you through this. It is ok to cry and ask why, you are human and people won't think you're weak if you show your pain. It's part of the grieving process and totally natural. You have the right to let it out. If it makes a difference, I want you to know how much of an inspiration you are to carry on and be such a good Mommy to Bella. I will see you next month...

Shanon Dreyer
Palomar College Police Academy

November 8, 2005

Renata,

As I am thinking of you today, I pray that you and Bella are doing well and that you find serenity in Zak's passing.

I know that you miss him terribly, but know that he may be gone physically, but will always be here in spirit!

Zak is an angel...Our angel. Constantly watching over you, Bella and SFPD.

He is missed by us all, but never forgotten.

SFPD Officer and Friend.

Officer & Friend
SFPD

November 7, 2005

I think of you everyday. I pray for you every run. The pain is not as bad, but it still hurts knowing you are gone. As the hoildays come closer, so does your memory, our memories. Christmas was always my most favorite of all, but somehow as it draws near, I feel sadden that you will not be with us again. And most of all I will miss buying you your present, I so used to enjoy that. I miss you so much my dear nephew.

November 4, 2005

As a man searches for water in the desert, my soul searches to find an answer, it thirsts for a drop of your love
As a man lost desperately seeks for his home, my heart is lost in darkness trying to find its way back
Today my heart aches just at the thought of you
My mind still cannot comprehend that all this is true
I sit still, motionless taking it all in, but inside my soul screams with fear
As I see your smile again and again and again, I yell out No! No! No!
and realize that I'm awake
It's been a while since I cried like that, thinking that I was okay
But today was different, I missed you more
I sat and watched you work over and over, then I saw myself saying good-bye that day.
How did I survive? How was I able to walk without falling? How could I watch them bury you without jumping in?
These are the things going thru my mind today as I watch the video.
I'm in the corner rolled into a ball, I cannot breath! These tears, these memories, I cannot breath!
There's no one around, I'm alone
Just let it out! Let it out! Let it out!
I'm going crazy with disbelief, it cannot be, NO! It cannot be!
Don't hide
Don't be afraid
Don't be strong
Don't run
Open your mouth and let it out, what you've been hiding for so long!
Yell out his name and ask him WHY?
Then open your eyes...
See him smile..........

November 3, 2005

Isaac,

I wanted to again thank you. I know you were there with me every step of the way and you saw me to the finish. I know you will do the same in the near future for the others. You have left a fingerprint on the academy that no one can wash away. Your presence is strong there; there are little reminders of you in every nook and cranny. Please be with the class these last few weeks. We would have never been as strong had we not shared a common goal, to strive to be like you.

Officer Jackson shared with us an idea last night. Find something that motivates you and keep it somewhere as a reminder. Lately I have had 2nd Corinthians 10:4-5 on my mind:

"For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds; Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ."

I put it up in my locker at work and I passed it around to some cadets at academy one night. I think you were someone who understood what that meant and you lived that way. To me, there is nothing more motivating than that. I have not forgotten about you, nor ever will I.

James J. Cataline
Palomar Police Academy Class 12

November 2, 2005

Renata, Bella, Mr. and Mrs. Espinoza,

Thinking of you today as our Isaac Espinoza Motorcycle Memorial Ride is nearing (Nov. 12). You are on my mind and in my heart daily. Blessings to you all.

Shanon Dreyer
Palomar College Police Academy

October 31, 2005

Isaac's Mom,

It seems that you were always there for your son. Now he is in heaven and is there for you and his loved ones to guide and watch over you. I know it hurts that Issac is gone, but he is smiling down on you from heaven the same way he is smiling in his photo.

To Issacs family and close friends

UCSF PD Officer
UCSF PD

October 31, 2005

C.E.

It pains me to see you hurting so much, there is nothing that I, or anyone else can do to comfort you. I think of you often, and enjoy our talks when I see you. I know that you want to be with Zak, but your family wants you to be with them right now, for as long as possible. Life is not always certain, but death is...we will all have our time, but please find something positive in knowing that everyone loves you and cannot fathom another loss, especially you. You are a wonderful woman, and I see Zak in you, you help keep him alive- family and friends keep him alive. I lost my uncle on Friday from a motorcycle accident, and I thank Zak for telling me to make time and visit him the month before he passed. Although I was tired and had things to do, I made time to see him and my family, and I am at peace for that. I thank Zak for this. God bless. Your friend...

officer
sfpd mids

October 30, 2005

This is a message for Mrs. Carole Espinoza. I was extremely moved by your fear of the pain of leaving loved ones behind that Isaac felt upon leaving us, and that you expect to feel upon joining him. But with the greatest respect, Isaac did not experience this pain, and you will not either. This is because when the deserving leave this life, they will see not only their loved ones gone before, but the heaven they have always believed in. They will rejoice in each other's eternal presence, and they will know the exact time when those they love still trapped in this preliminary life will join them. Until then, they will watch and care about us from above, which is infinitely more important than anyone watching us from where we are now. The pain we feel now will be swept away by what lies ahead.

D

October 29, 2005

Hi Son: While at a visit to the Blessed Sacrament I was thinking about you and remembering your wedding day. You got yourself ready, your father picked up breads and lunchmeat from the Deli for you and the guys, Regina went to Renata's, your best men and groomsmen came over to take pictures, and Ricky showed up with Melissa. The guys wanted to get on with the taking of pictures. I volunteered to take Melissa to Renata's and came back home. You and the guys were leaving. I got dressed and went to the Church. When I arrived at the church you came up to me and said you tried to call me, that you forgot Renata's wedding ring. I rushed back home, found the ring and went back to the church. I was a bit exhausted and more than happy to do anything for you. It was a blessed day and a wonderful wedding reception. I thought about how now you are at the Wedding Feast of the Lamb. What a blessed event that must be. I am looking forward to coming to the Feast. I am just impatient about the thought of waiting so long to be together again. I often think about how it would be to be with you and leave everyone else we love behind and that hurts so much too. This is the thought that pains me the most. How hard it must have been for you to leave us behind. How hard it must have been for you to realize that you were dead, that there was nothing you could do to stay in this life and continue to be with us here. I know you counted on me, son. I am so sorry that there was nothing I could do to bring you back. We prayed but no miracle was granted. I love you. Mom

October 27, 2005

You would of had that pumpkin carved for Bella by now, and I just can't help but to let my tears roll down, i'm sure that you have carved a beauty of a pumkin upthere. There is not a day that goes by that we do not think of you. You are missed so much.

sonia
Sonia

October 25, 2005

I heard this song the other day on the radio, and it stopped me in my tracks. I couldn't help but think of you. It's called:

Who'd you be today....

Sunny days seem to hurt the most
Wear the pain like a heavy coat
I feel you everywhere I go
See your smile, I see your face
I hear you laughing in the rain
Still can't believe your gone

(Chorus:)
It ain't fair you died to young
Like a story that had just begun
But death tore the pages all away
God knows how I miss you
All the hell that I've been through
Just knowing, no one could take your place
Sometimes I wonder, who you'd be today

Would you see the world
Would you chase your dreams
Settle down with a family
I wonder what would you name your babies
Someday's the sky's so blue
I feel like I can talk to you
And I know it might sound crazy

(Chorus)

Sunny days seem to hurt the most
I wear the pain like a heavy coat
The only thing that gives me hope
Is I know, I'll see you again someday

Someday, someday"


By Kenny Chesney

Adele

October 25, 2005

DEAR RENATA AND BELLA,
I WISH THAT THERE WAS SOME KIND OF WAY TO TAKE THIS PAIN AWAY FROM YOU.IF I HAD ONE WISH,IT WOULD BE TO BRING ISAAC BACK TO YOU.I SIT HERE READING THESE REFLECTIONS AND I HAVE MADE YOUR FAMILY A PART OF MY DAILY ROUTINE.WE HAVE NEVER MET BUT I CANNOT HELP BUT TO THINK OF YOU GUYS EVERYDAY.IT SEEMS THAT YOU AND ISAAC SHARED A SACRED KIND OF LOVE THAT NONE OF US COULD POSSIBLY EVER COMPREHEND.I HAVE SUFFERED A HUGE LOSS,LEFT BEHIND WITH 2 YOUNG BOYS TO CARE FOR AT THE AGE OF 29.RENATA I PROMISE THAT THINGS WILL GET BETTER WITH TIME.THE ONLY THING LEFT FOR US TO DO NOW IS TO SHOW OUR KIDS HOW TO LOVE AND BE HAPPY.ALOT OF PEOPLE WILL PROBABLY NEVER UNDERSTATND BUT I DO.SOMETIMES IT IS ALOT EASIER TO TALK TO A COMPLETE STRANGER,TRUST ME I HAVE.WHEN YOU NEED TO BE ALONE BY ALL MEANS DO IT!SCREAM IF YOU NEED TO,I DO IT ALL OF THE TIME.(MY VOICE IS KIND OF PERMANENTLY HOARSE).IF YOU EVER NEED TO TALK I HAVE TIME TO LISTEN AND CRY WITH YOU,OR WHATEVER IT IS YOU NEED TO DO.IF NOT MAY GOD BE WITH YOU AND LITTLE BELLA.TAKE CARE......VP

October 25, 2005

I miss you!

October 24, 2005

Zak-
We were searching for the homicide suspect who killed that 2 year old and his father. We set up a pretty good perimeter with what officers and specs that we had. I looked to make sure that I knew what my location was- it was #64. I did a double take, and I looked up at you and said, "Thank-you, everything will be okay, I know it will be." The suspect was not in the house, all officers were okay, and he was later caught without incident. Thank-you for looking over us...remind us to, "WATCH THE HANDS" and not to rush into anything without having a game plan. I love and miss you, my brother in blue.

bayview officer
sfpd

October 23, 2005

Always in our hearts and prayers.

Sonia

October 20, 2005

I sit here at work looking at this site, how silly I must look with tears in my eyes. I miss you so much you could never imagine. I miss you on the streets, I miss being able to talk the police stuff with you, I miss your humor. I miss your love.
Auntie

October 20, 2005

Renata,

I know how hard it is to have to sit in court and look into the face of the monster that took the life of your husband. I'm going through the same thing and I've come to the conclusion that they don't have to care as long as the jury does. Justice will be served. God bless you. I read your reflections often and they always make me cry. I know it's so hard to do but continue to be strong. You're in my thoughts.

Jo Ann Lasater
Wife of Larry Lasater, EOW 4/24/05

October 18, 2005

Isaac, I saw the following and thought of you.

Heaven sent us an Angel to borrow for a while. With starlight in his eyes and sunshine in his smile. A special Angel we couldn't help but love. So full of life and spirit, a blessing from above. He touched our lives and captured our hearts with a style all his own. We wanted to keep him forever with us, but he was only here on loan. You see, Angels belong in Heaven; they can't live long on earth. So he's gone back to a better place, prior to his birth. We'll keep him close within our hearts, his courage and strength will be remembered. We thank the Lord for the time we had, his memory we'll cherish.

October 18, 2005

Zac... We were never really good friends.. we were cool.. me working with your boy... the G-Man at Co. F... and us at the same station for a while... I just wanted to write a quick note because I know that you are always watching over your brothers and sisters at Bayview... We miss your sense of humor.. you softball skills... The laughter we had with Me telling you how I almost got into a huge physical 418 4 years ago with your boy Big John until he dropped your name.... I didn't know you that well and I will never claim to... but we miss you every day Bro... Thanks for looking over us and keeping us safe...
- Hadji.. and of course.. Everyone at Co. C.....

Hadji
The Republic of the Bayview

October 15, 2005

As the insomnia kicks I write until I fall asleep:

Remember my name
Remember my face
Remember my touch, my warm embrace
Remember my smile
Remember my kiss
Forget that now is you I miss
Remember the nights I held you close
Forget that this isnt what we chose
Remember the words that we once said
Remember the love that we once made
Remember the promises we once knew
Forget that now I'm lost without you

October 12, 2005

Bro, I went ahead and put you 49er flag out for u.I had the chance to go to a game with Renata , and even though we didnt say it, we both wished you couldve been there with us. I love you Ize and will never forget you. I ask God to continue to grant us strength to go on living without you. We will see you again for that is our heavenly fathers promise.
Love you Bro: Eggy

October 12, 2005

"I've found a reason for me...to change who I used to be...a reason to start over new...and the reason is you...I've found a reason to show...a side of me you didn't know...a reason for all that I do...and the reason is YOU."

October 11, 2005

The tears just kept coming. It's true! Thank you.

October 10, 2005

I wish this was all a game/ cause i've had about enough of this pain/ I want to wake up from this nightmare/ cause all of this just isnt fair/ this isnt just my song/ its the way I feel/ I wish all of this
wasnt real/ I sit at night crying and holding the pillow tight/ tryin to get by day by day/ hoping im doing all of this right/ I think of you and it hurts/ sometimes I just want to cry out and burst/
the world aint the same without you/ im not the only one hurting theres more than a few/ why wont this pain just go away/ why cant i just erase it with an eraser/ when you were hear i felt much
safer/ your smile brought out the light/ and now everytime I think of you I have to put up a fight/ I try not to show my tears/ but really my heart is filled with fear/ im all confused inside/ but i still say your name with
pride/ cause you were a hero and saved us/ i think about you all the time/ cant u tell by my rhymes/ proud to have known you and your braveness/ no one could have loved you less/ only capable of loving you more/
dont even try and take score/ im tryin to get this down/ the living without you/ trying not to frown whenever people are around/ i keep the tears from falling/ but my heart is always calling/ waiting for the day when i can see you again/ thats why I dont consider this the end/ to me you were more than a friend/ I just want to hear your voice/ so i can rejoyce/ just tell me ill be okay and wont fail/ tell me youll come back and this is just a fairytale/ whenever it rains it seems like hail/ your like my heaven on Earth/ with you I want to re-birth/ I want to start all over/ and maybe ill get lucky with a four-leaf clover/ and get to keep you forever/ no matter the weather/ day and night/ with you my heart will always feel right/ cause your the cure for my aching heart/ inside well never be torn apart!!!!

This is for you Renata.

October 9, 2005