Family, Friends & Fellow Officers Remember...

Nicky K-
It has almost been 6 months since our world that we knew it stopped on January 30th. People tell us that time will make it easier for us but it still isn't any easier. It just seems to be getting harder. We are not celebrating our birthdays this year. It just doesn't seem right without you here. Although, Heather & I keep signing your name on the cards for Dad, Mom and each other. We always will. We got to see Gavin Friday night and Saturday. He grabs my keychain with your picture on it of you and him and kisses it and says da da and smiles at me. He also kisses my badge on my necklace and says dada. Both boys hold onto the badge and smile. I know that you are with us all of the time because when I seem to need you the most or ask you a question, then you send me a sign with your answer. Dad, Mom and Heather all say the same thing. We learned this weekend that Gavin does not like black olives just like you. He is looking and acting more like you each day. People that knew you say that he makes the same faces that you and dad both make.

Mom found a picture of you and my niece Megan driving the boat when she was a baby and I showed it to Megan this weekend. She was really happy that she has a picture of you and her. She asked me if I could put that picture in a frame with all of the other pictures of the family. You really meant a lot to her too. You just seemed to leave a lot of happy memories with everyone that you met.

Keep watching over all of us. We really need your strength to help us through.

Saturday morning Gavin woke up early and I asked him if he wanted to write a note to daddy on the computer and he said yes and walked to the computer. After he got done, he said done and smiled. We then looked at pictures of you on the computer. I am so thankful that Mom and James were always taking pictures of all of us.

I love you little brother forever and always.

Kel

Kel

July 25, 2004

Daddy-

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(Daddy-
I love you and miss you so much.

Gavin

July 24, 2004

Nick,
Just wanted to let you know that I am always thinking of you and your family. Tomorrow is my daughter's 6th B-day, and Sunday is my son's 1st. I thank God that I am able to be here with them every day. I wish you could be here to do the same with your family. As of earlier this month I resigned from the SLMPD and took another job. I won't be doing any real police work like we used to do, and I'm sure I'm going to miss it.But when I joined the PD I was single and had no kids(really no worries). Going through what happened to you really put things into perspective for me as a father and a husband. I spoke with your dad the other day and told him that I had resigned from the Dept. and he said just like my dad did "Great Move". I never thought I would do any other type of of a job but here I go starting a new one. Man, I miss you. I have your picture in my office and my daughter always looks at it and says dad do you still miss Nick, and when I say yes she says well so do I. My family and I always keep you and your in our prayers. Mr. and Mrs. Sloan take care were thinking of you.
Your Friend,
CBC

July 24, 2004

Nick,I have set here and reviewed these stories from your wonderful family and friends and and I've cried for them.You are truly blessed to have such a family and always know that your family of leo feel their pain.You are a very special person and dedicated officer and a true Hero!Stay on patrol my brother officer!

Corporal David Hazlett
Berry Hill PD Nashville,Tn.

July 22, 2004

Nick's Mom:

I read your reflections today and cried. I pray for you: I pray for you Nick, Gavin, Gavin's mom, and your husband, and the rest of the family. I am proud of your son and I know your grandson will do great things just as Nick did! I don't know him but I know he's one of the best and I have no doubt that he is with you always.

Michael

Michael

July 21, 2004

Nick,
It was just three years ago last night that you walked up on stage and your Dad pinned the badge on your chest that he had worn as a patrolman. How happy you and Dad both looked. How proud we all were of you! The last time Dad pinned the badge on you, well..I'll just say was the beginning of the saddest time of our lives. This was really a hard last four weeks. You received the "Distinguished Service Citation" (Posthumously) on 6/22, your 25th birthday on 6/25, the third anniversary of Grandmas death and now the third year of becoming one of St. Louis Finest. Our hearts still ache for you every minute of every day. Keep the signs coming, we all need them! I will always love you! Mom

mom

July 20, 2004

Nick,
I just want you to know that everyone still thinks of you on a daily basis. You will never be forgotten.

Kevin Manning
St. Louis Metropolitan Police Department

July 19, 2004

As I read through the many tributes to Nick, I recognized so many similarities between him and Bob, who we lost to a similar senseless murder almost four years ago while working the streets of STL. So many of these notes about Nick speak to his wonderful sense of humor, gentle caring soul, a person who wanted to fix all the hurt and pain, who loved his family, the lake, country western music, the 4th of July and someone who was always going to be there to take care of everyone. All of those things remind us so much of Bob, who always had time for everyone and was the center of every family function. Everytime he left the house and we said "love you, please be careful out there", he always, always responded, "don't worry, nothing is going to happen to me". So many similarities, so much joy and pain....I know as you all do, that day our world's were changed forever and our hearts broken beyond repair. It will never ever be the same again, however they would want us to go on living, caring, sharing, smiling, laughing and loving. Maybe it's true that the good really do die young!

As we approach the 4th anniversary of the death of Bob, we truly can say that we know and understand your pain and loss and wish there was something we could say or do to make the days, weeks and months more bearable. Know you are all in our thoughts and prayers and that when you look to the star filled sky at night or watch the billowy clouds of day that Nick and Bob are in a place of wonderful magic that allows them to continue to do what they always vowed to.....take care of us all forever!

God Bless You All!

July 10, 2004

Well, what can a guy say. Your a hero to us all and I don't think any of us look at our uniform the same way since you left us. Even though you were in Weed and Seed you never thought of yourself as someone better. You were always ready to handle any call and help out with an assist. There aren't anymore like you buddy. Your parents are doing a great job along raising Gavin to remember his dad. We all want to be heros Nick, you always were one. See ya around.......

Friend

July 9, 2004

Nick,
I have always know how special you are, but I never realized how much you completed our family. There is an painful emptiness in each of us. Your Mom is right, I can't even imagine what your Mom and Dad are going through if I, as your Aunt, feel this way. You always knew just the right thing to say, I wish you would have gotten that from me, and then I would know exactly what is needed to try to help everyone else. Unfortunately, that is not the case. I'm thinking of the last time I saw you, just 6 days before you were killed, and we were all at Heather's house. You know what happened then, Gavin started getting sick, and I told you to grab him and stick his head outside (well he was right by the door!) I felt so bad, only being a mother to 2 dogs and a cat, that is how we do it in pet land : ) I told you I was sorry that I reacted that way and you laughed and comforted me by telling me that it saved Heather's floor. I think everyone else thought I was a knucklehead, but you just wanted me to feel o.k. about it. That was just you, making everyone around you feel better. I remember thinking again what a great Daddy you were as I watched you care for your sick baby. When you left, we all got those big hugs that you are famous for, and your Mom took a picture of you leaving, Gavin in tow, the last image that I have of you alive. We have had some joyous family times, Grant's birth (Nicole was awesome!); Christopher's graduation (he already has a great job!); Kim got a great job and her own place; and Bryan and Kate's wedding is just around the corner. The baby girls and boys can absolutely light a room, they are the epitomy of happiness! Still, the silent emptiness remains. We just miss you, and with good reason, you are an absolutely awesome person. I guess I just needed to tell you once again how proud I am to be your Aunt. Any help you can provide is appreciated!
Love always...

Aunt Teresa

July 8, 2004

Nick,
Well, it's 2a.m.! I miss you so much. I read the reflections every day now that I learned how to use the computer! You can not imagine the impact that these notes have on Dad and I. People have told us that losing a child is worse than losing a spouse. I think if someone would think about the loss of their child they could start to imagine the hell we go through every day. Every day gets a little worse and you begin to think that you can't take another minute of this. Right after you died, we felt a numbness that I think got us through the first couple of months but now that numbness is gone. I cry for you every day because I miss you and love you so much. I know you are in a good place. It is so hard for those that you left behind. Please help Dad and I to get through this. Thanks for watching over Gavin and Bobby and Kelly and Heather. We all love you and can't wait to see you again. I could use one of those hugs again.
Love,
Mom

mom

July 6, 2004

Nick,
It's hard to believe it's almost been six months since you've been gone. It still doesn't seem real, at family get togethers and all of these police events I still expect you to walk in and crack a joke. It's a shame that you aren't here to receive all of these prestigous awards in person. We are so honored to tell people that you are part of our family. We take pride in wearing your shirts and having your bumper sticker on our car.
Everyday we are so thankful that we had that time with You and Kirsten in Cancun. If we would have known it would have been our last trip with you guys we would have never come home. We had such a good time with you guys. We got to see how much You and Kirsten loved each other and how much fun you had together. You two were constantly making the rest of us laugh. We will treasure those memories forever.
We are so happy that you and Kirsten made such a handsome son. Gavin is like a little gift that you left for all of us. He is a minature Nick, a chip off the old block. Kirsten is definently going to have her hands full with him, girls will be knocking down the door.
I hope that you always protect and watch over Kirsten, Gavin and the family. We all miss you so much, it could never be put into words. You have made all of us very proud, you truly are a hero. We will remind Grant Nicholas everyday who he is named after and what an honor it is for him to share your name. We love you and miss you and we will do all we can to keep your memory alive. Keep watching over all your friends in blue (and brown please). Until we meet again...we love you always
Nicole, Josiah & Grant Nicholas
P.S. Happy 25th Birthday!!

Nicole, Josiah, Grant Nicholas

July 5, 2004

Nick,
Today is the fourth of July. I know you loved this holiday so much. I think of you every time I hear a bottle rocket go off. Enjoy the holiday at your new home. You will have such a good view. Help keep us all safe. I love you and miss you everyday.
Love,
Mom

Mom

July 4, 2004

Nick- I really don't know where to start. I have known you since we were both in elementary school. We have become very close friends and we are still very close friends. I think about you all the time. I really can't believe that this is real. I am still waiting for you to call me and talk about the people that you arrested or about what is going on. You always had something to talk about. You always asked me when it was my time to "bitch" because I never complained about things to you. I will never forget our memories that we shared growing up together at the bus stop and just in the neighborhood. We used to play tar tag every day at the bus stop. Do you remember when my mom used to take us to school in that big blue van when it was raining? We thought it was so cool to watch the water run down the windshield without her turning on the windshield wipers. We used to fight over that tractor ALL the time. Even though that tractor didn't have a seat, we found some way for us to take turns riding on the front of that thing. Do you remember going to your lake and going paintballing? It was me, Phil, Nick, Becky, Kirsten, and you. That weekend was so fun. I don't think any of us will ever forget that weekend. We all have many funny memories to share about that. I will never forget you or your family. I think about you all the time, and I wish things could get better; but they won't. You have made such an impact on so many people's lives! I am so proud of you for what you have done. You have done so much in 24 years that I coudn't even imagine doing. I was reading another reflection that someone left for you the other day and he said that it is better to live 24 years than to never have lived at all. He is right; you have live your life to the fullest! But I wish you were still here to share the rest of your life, but God wanted you now. I know you are still doing your job of watching over Gavin, your family, friends, and other officers. You are taking care of all of us in our own way. You are the biggest-hearted person I have met. You were never just thinking about yourself; you were always thinking about everyone else. You have always had and still have the biggest heart ever. I want you to continue doing what you are doing- watching over all of us! I think about you all of the time and just wish that things could have been different. Thank you Gabe for taking care of that guy! Nick, that is another thing; I am so glad that you have watched over Gabe. He made sure that what needed to happen, happened. I miss you so much and wish you were here. Please stay with all of your family, close friends, and co-workers. You have continued doing a wonderful job of taking care of all of us. I will see you again in Heaven! I miss you!

Tracie
Friend

July 3, 2004

Nick- I think about you everyday and wish you could be here with us. I think about the bonfires you would have at your house, the time we went to the Funny Bone, fighting over who got to ride the tractor (when we were little), and many more memories. I really can't express how much you are missed. I think about Gavin, your family, and Kirsten every day. Please keep doing a great job of watching over us. I will see you again someday.

Tracie
Friend

July 2, 2004

Nick,
Five months, one day and one hour my world stopped. I go through the motions each day and can see the world go on around me. I would give anything to hold you again.
Love,
Mom

mom

July 1, 2004

Nick,
It has been five months to the day. I will always love you and miss you. You definitely were a hero to me.

July 1, 2004

Nick,

I visit this site every day and have read thousands of reflections. I can not think of any in which so many family members and friends expressed so much love. You are so loved Nick . . . you must have been a wonderful person. I wish I could have known you . . . I know that I missed out in not having had that opportunity.

To all those family members and friends, I would like to say this. I have been to at least 100 funerals of officers killed in the line of duty. Many were my friends and many were brother and sister officers I did not know personally. I have heard many attempts made to speak words of comfort by well intended members of the clergy, however, very few of those words brought me any comfort . . . except the words spoken by a Southern Baptist Preacher at the funeral of an officer whom I had never met. The officer was also 24 years old. In speaking of him the preacher said "It is far, far better to have lived 24 years than to have never lived at all."

To the family and friends of Nick, I'd like to offer this . . . Nick gave love and received love for 24 years . . . it is far, far better to have lived 24 years than to have never lived at all.

And Nick, thank you for your unselfish, dedicated service to your community, nation and country. We all give "some" . . . you my brother, have given "all" . . . go rest high on that mountain . . . we'll proudly cover your post on the thin blue line. I honor you, your name, your memory, and mostly, I honor you for your ultimate sacrifice you have made. With brotherly love and utmost respect, Jim Crotty (Former Richmond, VA Police Officer.)

Finally, to the officer that was with you that day, I'd like to say "thank you" . . . thank you for answering when "duty called" . . . thank you for entering the battle and doing what needed to be done. I honor you also.

Jim Crotty, Special Agent (Ret.)
Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco & Firearms

June 30, 2004

Nick,

Happy Belated Birthday!!!!

Aunt Teresa keeps me up on the happenings related to the family. She has done an outstanding job of keeping track of all things related to you and of course there are many things that fit into this category. The tributes, awards and the fund raisers to help Gavin live his life without your physical presence (obviously you have an eye on him from where you are). Deb's mom was so impressed by the demonstration of love at the Breakfast in May. She was glad we brought her along to attend that event and to take a look at the city you worked so hard to make a better place. I hope that the love shown by all of your family, friends and professional associates, serve as some comfort for your Mom, Dad, Kelly, Heather, Kirsten and in the future Gavin.

Did you ever realize how many people in this world love and respect you? Did you ever know the impact you made on other people's lives? I recently read a book, "The 5 People You Meet in Heaven" and I was trying to imagine who might serve as your five. I am sure that whoever they are, they looked forward to their time with you as you reflected on your life and how it interacted with theirs.

I am glad we got to play golf last fall, although that group of 12 teeing off together on the 18th tee seemed to be a larger group than I am used to playing. We should have been able to do that every year. You should have been playing years after my clubs were sold at a garage sale. I hope we all play again this September and we'll take your memory with us.

Give Grandma a hug for me and tell Kevin he's missed as well.

We all love you, Nick !!!!

We always will !!!!

Pray for us !!!!

Uncle Tim
Honored to be a Relative of this Fine Man

June 29, 2004

Happy birthday (sorry I didn't write on your birthday I didn't get time on the computer) I hope you had a great day. We all went to the lake and had Gavin with us. I made rice krispy treats for you and we sang happy birthday. The boys loved it. We spent a lot of time on the boat and waverunner, we know you were there with us. I can't explain how much we all miss you,we talk about you everyday. I love you so much I hope you had a great birthday.

Heather
proud sister

June 28, 2004

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uncle nick, I wanted to tell you happy birthday and that I love you so much. Mommy made rice krispy treats with chocolate icing for you on your birthday. Gavin and I ate them while we were all singing to you. We miss you so much. Daddy took me and Gavin on the waverunner this weekend too. We had such a good time. I love you

bobby
nephew

June 28, 2004

Dear Nick,
I know you are with me all the time. When I feel sad (when don't I), I feel your arms around me or your hand on my shoulder---just like when you were here. I miss those heart to heart talks. I miss seeing you get out of your truck or coming through the door with Gavin. Your smile was never bigger or brighter then when you were talking about your little guy. I miss those daily phone calls---even the ones at midnight as you replayed arrest you made--the chase, the people, the guns and drugs that were now off the street. I miss going to car lots with you as you tried to convince me why you needed a new car or truck. The funniest story was when we were looking for a small truck. I told you that maybe you should think about one with a backseat because babies may come before you would by your next vehicle. Your eyes popped open. Yes, later that evening you found out you were going to be a Daddy. I remember looking for apartments and houses with you. When we first went through your current house, it was cold and there was very little heat . My teeth were chattering as we took our first look. We went back the next day with Dad, Uncle Bob and Aunt Joan. There were two contracts ahead of yours. I remember your disappointment. I told you if it was meant to be it would happen. Needless to say, the other contracts fell through and you became a homeowner. We did more bonding as we filled out loan papers, moved, and best of all shopped for new appliances. We went for the refrigerator and stove and before I knew it --you talked me into a t.v. I miss those calls--"Mom can you do me a really big favor (your request for the day). I really appreciate it. You do that so well." Even though i knew you could do it, I did it for you because I LOVE YOU!
Last weekend we took Gavin to the lake with us. He is so precious. He has a lot of your mannerisms and looks and acts llike you did when you were young. We took him out on the boat. It made me happy and sad. I know how much you loved the lake. We have such good memories of you kids growing up. I remember when you gave Gavin his first wave runner ride. Gavin was only six months old. Little did Gavin know that it would be the only time Daddy would take him for a ride. As we rode on the boat,(Gavin helping PaPa drive of course) we saw a wave runner at a distance. I almost said, "there goes Nick!" out of habit. The rider was tan , muscular, and resembled you. Then Gavin said "DaDa" as he pointed to that wave runner. It was the only time that day that we saw that wave runner and the only time Gavin pointed at a waverunner and said"DaDa".
WE all know you were with us this weekend. There were many signs. I often feel your touch, hear a song on the radio at a time when we know you are with us, or see other things and know it is you.
Well, I guess I'll go for now. I wish everyone could know you like we did. I can't wait to feel your touch or see you in my dreams. WE ALL MISS YOU SO MUCH AND WE WILL NEVER LET GAVIN FORGET HIS DADDY! I'll love you forever.
LOVE,
MOM
P.S. Ever since you were little and Dad was working, you would tell me not to worry because you would protect me and not let any one ever hurt me. Well Nick, my heart is hurting and won't stop hurting. I need you now more than ever. No one can imagine the hurt Kelly, Heather, Dad and I are feeling. You were such a good son and brother and best of all your abilities to be a Daddy. I thank God every day for Gavin and Bobby---they are the only ones that keep us going.

Mom

June 28, 2004

Sorry I wasn't near a computer for your birthday, as you know we did a little camping and fishing this weekend. It reminded me of the time when you were about 9 that we took you fishing at Mark Twain Lake. Of course, you were a natural at fishing, just like everything else. You could just do anything you put your mind to. As much as I miss you (I get a heart tug every time I think of you, which is often) I am so glad that you lived your life to the max...I know you did more in 24 years than I have in almost twice the time. Not really certain how everything works in Heaven, but I know that you are doing well there. There have been 66 officers that have died in the line of duty since your death, and I like to think that you are part of the welcoming committee for each of them. You always made everyone feel special, that was part of your charm, and I know that is something that is still with you. Gavin is, of course, a chip off the old block. He is not only a beautiful child; he also has many of your characteristics and mannerisms already. Kelly said that Gavin saw a guy on a waverunner a few weeks ago and he pointed and said "Da-Da" so I know that he remembers the fun he had with you. Awesome Dad--yet another thing you did well! Well, enough Auntie bragging for a while. I know you are busy watching over everyone. You were such a wonderful person to have around, it is hard for everyone to go on without you. I hope you ran into your Uncle Kevin up there, you were a lot like him, I think you two would really hit it off. Take care! Love,

Aunt Teresa

June 27, 2004

Nick-
Happy Birthday! We just got back from the lake with Gavin. On your birthday, I made chocolate chip cookies (yes I made them) & brought rice krispie treats to work to share for your birthday. My friends from work took me to lunch in honor of your birthday. I still can't believe that you are gone. James and I picked up Gavin on your birthday and brought him to the lake. I sat in the back with him and we talked and played with toys. (I know I spoil him, I learned from the best) Gavin & I sang Happy Birthday to you and he smiled afterwards and said da da. I still have your picture on my keychain and he holds the picture of you and him and smiles. Please keep giving me the strength to get through this. It is the hardest thing I have ever been through. I wish that I could have talked to you one more time or gotten one more hug from you. It helps so much when I bring Gavin to see mom and dad and they just light up when Gavin and Bobby walk in the room. Thank you for the best gift that you have given me besides being the best brother, Gavin. Without him and Bobby, I couldn't have gotten through the past 5 months.
Love you so much,

Kel
Nick's sister

June 27, 2004

Nick,
We think of you often. Thank you for your courage. God bless your family.

District 5
St. Louis Metropolitan Police Department

June 26, 2004