Family, Friends & Fellow Officers Remember...

B.,
I can't believe it, today is the 7 month marker. I am still caught up in the disbelief of what happened that night. I still don't understand why it was you..it never should have been you.
In addition to other tasks, I worked around the yard today and I hope that you can see how well the lawn is doing. I know that keeping the lawn looking nice was quickly becoming one of your favorite things to do. It is so sad that one of your new hobbies was cut way too short.
I don't wonder so much about what our lives would have been because this summer because it causes me so much pain and suffering. There will be no canoe trips, no camping trips and no vacations to see my mom.
It seems that I am forced to live on this Earth without you now. Everything still feels so empty, so cold and the future seems very dim. I definitely don't WANT to live without you, it is just the horrible twist of events that occurred on 12/13 that force me to.

I miss you and I will always love you forever,
Jules

July 13, 2004

B.,
The other day I heard this song and I wanted to post it because it reminded me so much of my feelings and of how much I miss you. The void that you have left inside of me is still unspeakable.
I Love You,
J.

Music and lyrics by Seether

I wanted you to know I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away
I keep your photograph, I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain
Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away
You've gone away, you don't feel me anymore

The worst is over now and we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away
There's so much left to learn, and no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain
Cause I'm broken when I'm open
And I don't feel like I am strong enough
Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away

July 9, 2004

Bryan,
I just wanted to let you know that the entire extended family was really thinking of you this past holiday weekend. It's been almost seven months and it's still unbelievable. We all gathered at my mom and dads for the fireworks. We took Marylee and family and Chip over to see your memorial rock at the high school. A sad walk, but we are so proud of you and miss you. All the cousins were able to stop in and as always it was nice to see your mom before she had to go to work. It sure would have been nice to see you and Juli stroll in, but I know that you were there in spirit. I am sure that you were looking down and laughing when Brett climbed into Bobbys' side cart on the motorcyle so he could take him home to go to work. I really didn't think his legs would fit. I think it was the first time in many months that we all had a really good laugh. Although, life goes on, we have not forgotten you, you are always in the back of our minds.

Jill, cousin

July 7, 2004

B.,
Today was the first Fourth of July without you. It definitely was not a celebration and the memories that we had created together were awesome, but today was so sad and lonely without you. My family missed you so much and we are all grieving so heavily for your loss. You brought so much fun and laughter into all of our lives...
I know that you continue to play a large part in my life still, everyday. It is very difficult to endure because of the fact that I cannot see or touch you as a physical being. Spiritually we will ALWAYS be connected.

I Love You and Miss You more than mere words can express,
Jules

July 5, 2004

BSV,
Wednesday we went down to Indy to honor you for your induction into the Indiana Law Enforcement Memorial. I was very proud of myself for doing some of the same things that you and I did last August when we were down in Indy visiting. It was nice that Robin and Chris went with me to Mc Clure's Apple Orchard. Although doing those things didn't make me feel better, it reminded me of a few things that I hadn't thought of since we were down there last.
The fact remains that you and I are no longer allowed to live our lives together. This fact is perhaps the most painful to me right now. The injustice in this world is beyond baffling. There are so many people out there that never loved their wives the way that You loved me. There are so many that are unhappily married. I often question, "Why couldn't it have been them?"
It is extremely disturbing to fantasize and dream about what our lives would have been like this summer. I often think of the fact that we had talked about starting our family this August. I can't believe that I am no longer allowed to dream that dream. I know that you and I would have had that Olympic athlete that we dreamt about and talked about. Whether it would have been a gymnast or hockey player remained to be seen... now we will NEVER know.
I don't understand WHY others are allowed to live their lives, have their children and we weren't. I know there is no rhyme or reason, but I just wonder, "WHY US??" You and I had so much more to give, not only to each other but to benefit other members' of society.
I once thought I would return to nursing, but I cannot separate the thoughts of your death from my old profession. I know it is a shame, as I had so much talent in my chosen field. I had worked very, very hard to get there, and it seemed I was finally where I wanted to be as far as professional achievement. I still can't believe you never got to see my article that was published in February 2004.
Starting over is definitely far from easy. It's something that most days, I don't even know that I can do. I have been trying my best, but the ones that "think" I should be farther along in my grief process haven't a clue. I don't know very many people who could continue on if they WERE in my position. There are a few, but again, everyone's circumstances at the time of their spouse's death is so different.
No one will EVER understand the bond and the LOVE that we had for one another. They can all try, but they will never KNOW. The fact that no one understands continues to haunt me. People can surmise how broken they would be and how they MIGHT feel, but the fact of the matter remains that they will NEVER KNOW until what happened to me, happens to them.
It is SO EASY for everyone to judge me by my thoughts, deeds or actions. The bottom line is, they should never judge a person until they walk a mile or so in their shoes.
It is a very sad, broken and extremely lonely trail that I walk. I feel that you are with me today in every aspect of my mind and spirit. I know you are so proud of the lawn that I take care of and the garden that I have grown.
I still don't know why this happened to us, and maybe I never will. I only know that I wish that it hadn't. I wish that I would wake up with you by my side and that I could kiss your lips one last time. I miss every essence of your beautiful being. I know you know my heart, and you see the immense pain and suffering. I will love you for the rest of my life.
SoulMates Forever,
Your Wife,
Jules

June 25, 2004

juli,
i am really sad that bryan passed away, but this will sound really bad but i am kinda glad cause i got to meet you. you are a great person and i bet bryan was to, to have a beautiful, nice and awesome wife like you. well you know you can have my bed whenever you want it i love you juli from me and my mom twin powers activate!haha love you
melanie

melanie julis god daughter

June 20, 2004

B.,
Not many can understand the finality and severity of the pain that I feel. I am finding much comfort in being with those that know. You know that I am trying so desperatley to rebuild my life, whatever it is to be now without you. I am thinking of you so often and I will always love you.
Your Wife,
Jules

June 19, 2004

bryan,
i miss you.

love matty

June 18, 2004

Bryan, None of this is right and you are loved and missed by many. Your humor and kindness shown to everyone leaves such a void in these rooms at the M.P.D. You were a special person. Time will never erase the thoughts and memories you gave to all of us. Be sure you and Tom are fishing together! Always thinking of you, Juli and your family.

Deb
Mishawaka Police Dept.

June 15, 2004

BSV,
Sunday was the 6 month marker. I could not believe it when the date actually rolled around. I feel as much (if not MORE) empty, lonely and sad that you are gone. This is the MOST unfair thing in this world. I cannot believe that it was you that chosen to be taken to Heaven that night. The memories are still warm, but it doesn't replace the fact that I am alone in OUR bed every night. I hate the fact that there is no longer an "US" even though I still find myself saying "ours" and "we". It is a very difficult habit to break. Things will never be the same and I am still heavily grieving for that. I am really TRYING to progress in my grief, but it is so hard. Everyone has moved on in their lives, which hurts me even more.
You were my best friend, my lover, my world and I love you more with each passing day, just as I would if you were alive. How do you just stop loving someone? The answer is: you don't. I know you will always live in my heart and mind forever.
I miss you B.
Love,
J.

June 15, 2004

B.,
Yesterday you would have been so proud. There was a group of guys from SJCP and MPD that ran in your memory yesterday. I was proud of myself for designing and organizing the t-shirts that we wore for the Sunburst race. Chad, Jason and Treber stayed with me the whole way. I appreciated running with them, it really made the race a lot more fun. Instead of being sad that you weren't at the finish line, I was with a group of people (my OTHER Family) that were gathered around me that felt very good about what we had accomplished in your memory.
The fact of the matter is, I still miss you so much. I looked at our wedding pictures tonight. It seems like MUCH longer than 6 months since I have seen your face. I cannot believe it feels like years have passed, yet on the other hand, time stands still quite frequently. There are days when I just can't wait to go to bed so that that day will be over. Today is one of those days.
I am getting ready to take the LSAT, so please help me to continue to study hard this week.
I Love You and Miss You,
Now and Forever,
Your Wife,
Jules

June 6, 2004

B.,
To say that today is yet another day that I am feeling so sad and empty would be the understatement of the year. I found my Day Runner from last year (before you bought me my Palm Pilot) and I looked to see what we were doing last year at this time. Ironically, we had just returned from our honeymoon on 5/27, and we were going to your grandma's house to show her some video footage from our trip.
When I reflect on the fact that the 6 month marker is rapidly approaching, I am totally blown away. I wonder how such a short amount of time has gone by, but then I wonder why it seems like 6 years since I have seen your face, held your hand or laughed about one of our MANY inside jokes.
Yesterday my brother and I played Gran Turismo on PlayStation 2 and I beat him twice! I was thinking the whole time that you helped me to win, because usually I crash into the wall early in the race.
Nothing that anyone really says or does can make the pain subside. Time hasn't been much of a friend of mine, either. I don't know how people say it makes such a difference when more time elapses. Sometimes it seems like all it does is drive home the fact that you REALLY are gone forever. I will always feel the strange difference and HUGE VOID in my heart just as I did the minute you came in the back door of the ER. There was one moment BEFORE the doors opened that I had hope, and then it was fleeting shortly thereafter as I realized the grim situation.
Life has not been the same since you've been gone from this Earth. I miss you more than anyone on Earth will ever know. I feel that you do see me from time to time and that all you can do is feel sorrow for us because neither one of us wanted our lives to go this way. I know that you are well taken care of and that you are in good hands. That doesn't change the fact that I am still mourning for what our lives WOULD have been. I don't know when and if I will ever let go of our dreams. I don't want to. In a way, it would feel like letting go of a piece of US, and I am definitely not ready to do that.
I know my life will never be the same as before 12/13/03 at 0212. NEVER. I am so cynical as to what my life really will be now, because so much inside of me has been forced to change. My heart is not as loving or caring, as it is shattered and it is so hard to make the pieces fit together again.
Please know I will always love you, forever and ever. You will always be in my heart and my mind and my Soul, FOREVER.
I Love You,
Jules

May 31, 2004

Bryan - I never met you but met your wife at DC and must say you seem to have been a remarkable person. I know your up there with Daniel, and he is probably making you laugh with all of his funny jokes, and crazy stuff he used to do to make all of us down here on Earth laugh. I want you to know that I am glad he is with you, and that I know you both will be looking down on us and smiling.
To Juli - I am so glad we met in DC and that we can be friends. The email's that I get from you so far have really helped me, and I hope that we can continue to remain friends. As fate would have had it you were seated behind us at the Candlelight Vigil, and I remember turning around and just seeing you sob, and cry I felt so bad because I wanted to do the same thing. There have been many times where I have, and each time It gets a little shorter, and a little different. Maybe it's the healing process..I don't know. Please know even though I'm in Florida I will keep you in my prayers and pray for you daily. God has put you upon my heart, and I will not forget how Bryan, and Daniel sacraficed thier lives for the safety of our neighborhoods. Love and Praying for you - Jessica
(Fiancee of Police Officer Daniel Starks. EOW 10.25.03)

May 30, 2004

B.,
We just returned from our trip to D.C. late yesterday. Needless to say, our travel plans didn't go as expected. I felt the closeness of you as we spent time together at The Wall. After attending several grief seminars, I couldn't believe that there were so many other people across the Nation that were in our similar shoes. I actually met one widow that had only been married a short amount of time and hadn't had a chance to have children either. It was healing to talk to her and cry with her. The trip put a lot of things into perspective, and a lot of things feel changed now. Seeing your name for the first time on The Wall was extremely difficult, somehow it made your death very real. On the night of the Candlelight Vigil, I just wanted them to not read your name because I thought if they didn't then it wouldn't be real. They did read your name. Through this experience, I realized that this pain is very real and it is not going away, no matter how much anyone tries to "stuff" the emotions of the loss down.
The Memory Bear that my mom had made out of your uniform is so awesome. I sprayed it with your cologne (the one you always wore when we were going somewhere nice) and it brings back good memories.
I wanted to send you a quick note to thank you for all that you have given me in my life. You made me the person I am right now. You have given me strength to breathe from one minute to the next. As someone once told me, you married me for my strength because somehow you saw an inner reflection of yourself inside of me. I believe that now. I wasn't at a point to even listen to that before, but now I understand. Thank you Bryan for allowing me to have the purest, sincerest, TRUEST LOVE that I know as a woman that I will ever find. Thank you for giving us the quiet solitude that you did to both my brother and I that night before the sudden downpour came in D.C. The Thin Blue line looked AMAZING with the rain coming down. It felt like a very special gift that you had sent down from Heaven for us that night. I know neither one of us will ever forget that. (Also, thank you for not letting my wreath get blown over..:):)
I FOUND my SoulMate and I have no doubt that we will meet again. When we do meet again, I cannot wait to live Eternity TOGETHER, the one that we so richly deserve.
I Love You,
Now and Forever,
Jules

May 19, 2004

Big Verk,

What can I say that hasn't been said by others so close and near to you. I miss you as well, and wish you were. I never knew how much I did until I got to Washington D.C. in yours, and Tom's honor, as well as the other brave officers who have given their lives for this brotherhood. Bryan, I known you for several years and you were my brother in every since. You had my back when times were tough, and I know you have it now. So when I reach to special place in heaven...You need to hook me up and let me sneak in.

All joking aside, you have taught me a lot through the time I have known you. You were the mold of what a Man should be...what I'm trying to be. I miss you so much Bryan. It hurts that you are gone from this world. It hurts that I can't go to work seeing you against the wall with that damn smirk on your face. You made working so easy for me to come to, and I looked forward to spending time with you, Matt, Jason, Steve, and the rest of Midnight shift. I'm trying to hold things down as far as my emotions go, and the three I just mentioned has been with me every step of the way.

Each day goes by, there is something I new I found out about you. Everytime I see your parents, great people, I watch them, and learn from them on how to be strong because they are enduring the greatest lost any parent could have, but yet they are doing great and fighting through this.

And then there is Brett...What can I say other than he is just as big, kind, and supportive just the way you are, and he's just trying real hard to fight through this battle.

Through this turmoil, I met you wife Juli. She has suffered quite a bit but has been pulling through with help of Dumpy (Great dude). There are questions in her life that I can't help her with, but through your spirit I'm sure she will find the way. She has been strong just like everyone in your life, and the more I talk to her, the more I realize why you were in love with her...Cause she kept you check, just kidding. She's a good woman going through a terrible transition in her life, and myself as well as others on the department have been helping her to our fullest, something I know you would do in the event of something happened to one of your brothers.

I feel like I cheated you that night Bryan. I feel like I should have been there. I know I couldn't have done anything to change the situation, but that's how I feel somtimes. It comes and goes, but I know it's always there. It was there when I traced your name off the wall...It hurts knowing that you are on that wall, a wall that I really didn't have any knowledge about until you, and Tom past away. Something that I would not have care about, but know I realize the importance. Seeing brothers from all over the nation comimg to pay homage to fallen officers. It was great to see, but awful that I was there paying respects too one of my friends.

I can go on forever typing...but I thing it's time for me to get off. I will leave you with this Verk. When we went to the Cubs/Brewers game, it was one the best times in my life. Albright, Reppert, man it didn't get any better, but when we ran into the Maniac( a crazy Brewer fan) that was the highlight of our night. It is night I will treasure, but most of all, the memories of you is what I will treasure most. Goodbye Bryan, and rest well, your going to need all the energy you can to talk the man above to letting me into those golden gates. "I Love You Dawg," and always will.

Will

Cpl. Willie Davis
Mishawaka Police Dept.

May 16, 2004

BSV.,
Tomorrow we will all be leaving to go honor you and Tom in Washington D.C. It is so hard to believe that we are already leaving for our trip to D.C., as we were told how important these upcoming days would be for us shortly after you were taken from us. It is with great honor and extreme sadness as your Wife that I will be placing the flower on the FOP wreath for you as your name is read on the 15th. I know that everyone back home will be honoring your sacrifice in their hearts and minds as well. Please give us all extra strength as we embark upon our travelling. Baby please watch over us all and help us to somehow begin the healing. I will always love you, forever and ever,
Jules

May 11, 2004

B.,
I know that you know but I wanted to tell you that the Memorial at the PD is absolutely beautiful. It is the most gorgeous thing that anyone could have ever dreamed of for this particular situation. Susie M. (Fort Wayne PD) sent me the most beautiful bracelet in order to sustain me for National Police Week. I am trying to be so strong for US when we go to D.C. I sit on your bench and think about so many things. Today I thought about how I will never be a mother and how close we were to starting our own family. I Love You and I KNOW that You will be close to us this upcoming week.
I LOVE YOU,
Jules

May 9, 2004

Juli,
I have thought of you daily since that awful day in December. So many times I have wanted to call you and tell you so many things. I will start with, Bryan was my friend. We went to high school together and later ran into each other while I was on call for probation and he was working his beat. Bryan was a great guy and one of the kindest I have ever met. I have wanted to tell you often how much he loved you. I can remember a night last April when Bryan paged me about a kid, we spent 45 minutes on the phone that night talking about you, the wedding and life in general. Bryan was so in love and wanted to tell the world. He told me how you met and that the two of you were getting married. I was so excited for him. You made him so happy. He couldn't tell me enough about you and how special and perfect you were for each other. I want you to know that you and the rest of Bryan's family are in my prayers daily. As I prepare this afternoon for the dedication at John Glenn, I hope that we will finally meet so that I can tell you in person what a great addition you were to my friends life. Know that you are constantly in my thoughts and prayers, as I think of Bryan daily. May your pain subside and your memories carry you through, as that is what Bryan would want and wish for you.

Jenn C.
St. Joseph Cty. Juvenile Probation

May 5, 2004

B.,
These past few days have been so very difficult. I am trying to organize my mind in order to be as prepared as possible to honor you in D.C. The strangest thing that I have been thinking of is the fact that I have previously visited the National Law Enforcement Memorial and I have pictures from my visit in 1999. This was when I was at the ENA Conference for work and I remember clearly now that you told me you always remembered this trip because it was the time that I had told you "I Love You" FIRST, rather than waiting until after you had said it. Thinking back now, it was such a huge milestone for our relationship, and the fact of WHERE it occurred and the fact that I am now returning for such a different reason is yet another bizarre and horrible twist of fate. I often feel as if I am living someone else's terrible movie script, as going through the motions becomes so commonplace. I am so sad to think of the day that we will be leaving Washington D.C. is also the same day as our one year wedding anniversary. To think about what life was like a year ago is truly more than heartbreaking. I cannot believe that this is what happened to us. You and I deserved a lifetime of happiness together, and I often think and wonder so hard and long about the awesome direction that we were headed, and how excited we were to have our First Christmas in our own home. We got the spare bedroom painted and we were so excited that my mom was coming. Now, my mom is coming to visit again, this time for a very different reason. I know you will be with us every step of the way in D.C., but I only wish that physically you were here to hold my hand. I still cannot fathom the emptiness and the huge void in my heart. You ARE and always WILL BE the One and ONLY True Love of my Life. I miss you more than any reflection I leave can express and I hope that you can send some extra faith and love for us for next week.
I Love You Baby,
Jules

May 3, 2004

Although I didn't know Bryan, I felt compelled to write as a fellow Indiana Police Officer. I was on duty at the time Bryan was taken from "us", and learned the sad news the day after. Several of the guys on my department made the trip up north to be at the memorial service, I could not, as once again I was working the road, but I was there in spirit. And even though I wasn't able to be there, and never met you Bryan, I have come to know you from reading the numerous reflections on the O.D.M.P. You were clearly deeply loved by all who knew you, and I have shed many a tear tonight reading about you. There are so many things in this life, and especially in the profession we both chose that we do not understand. Yet we keep walking the point, and we keep on trying to understand, and doing our level best to help those in need, and protect the people of our respective communities. You gave your life, made the ultimate sacrice in service to your people, and you did it because you cared, because you knew if you could just touch that one kid, that one life, then you'd accomplished something important. So I take my hat off to you brother, I salute your memory, I honor you each and every day, rest in peace, and know that you'll never be forgotten. God bless all of Bryan's family, friends, and anyone who knew him. I can see that he was one helluva' good man. Deputy Chris C. Crosby; Boone County Sheriff's Dept., Lebanon, In.

Deputy Chris C. Crosby
Boone County Sheriff's Department

May 2, 2004

Deputy Chris C. Crosby
Boone County Sheriff's Department

May 2, 2004

Bryan,
It's been about 5 months now and there's not a day that goes by that we don't think about you. We sit at the table with the guys at night and talk about the times when you were sitting there with us. The boogermoose is still around, but she's not scared anymore, she's happy to see it. I often wonder if it's you she now sees. We have a wedding picture of you and Juli, it makes me smile every time I see it . I talk or see Juli everyday. I'm so happy that I was a "chosen one" to meet her. Our party is coming up again and you won't be there, but believe me we'll all be thinking of you.

We miss ya B.
Amy

April 28, 2004

B.,
So many times since you have died I have thought about leaving the profession of nursing forever. Tonight, for the first time I have had second doubts. That does not mean that you do not desire for me to pursue law, however, I wonder if you still want me to have a positive impact on society as I once did before. I don't know the answers for sure, I only know that you will help me to find my way slowly but surely. I still think of what our lives would have been everyday that you have been gone and I love you more everyday as I would have, had your life been allowed to continue.
I Love You,
Your Wife Now and Forever Jules

April 26, 2004

BSV,
Yesterday would have been our five year anniversary from our first date. I remember so clearly the vivid details of that night with Shawn and Missy. Shawn, please don't ever feel bad that you introduced us. You gave both of us something that was so beautiful and so meaningful in BOTH of our lives for almost five years. I am so thankful that we DID have what we had, albeit I am extremely sad that there is to be no more. He and I loved each other until the day that he died, and we truly upheld ecery word of our wedding vows. My only wish is that the "until death do us part" would have not come so early. I know I cannot change that now. Many times I have tried to change things in my head, but it frequently feels as if the only thing I can do now is to keep your memory alive to the best of my ability. The strength that I have is your last gift to me, I am certain of that now. Bryan, I Love You and will Always Miss You, Now and Forever,
Your Wife,
Jules

April 18, 2004

Verkules,

I have been reading these postings for the last few months and have been thinking of when would be the right time to write. I can't believe it's been 4 months already. I still remember the last conversation we had just a few hours before. Reppert and I went to the Cubs game Yesterday. It really hit home that you were gone, since you had planned on going with us this year. We talked about the trip we took to Milwaukee, and we had quite a few laughs. We're planning a trip to Milwaukee in July and we're hoping Brett will go. Just won't be the same without you.I'm flying to Washington D.C. next month with your Mom,Dad,and brother. I have gotten closer to all of them, and know they miss you. Juli has been doing fine. She's stronger that I could ever think to be. There are times when I feel horrible about what she has gone through.I sometimes feel guilty having introduced the two of you.But I know that it not the right thing to do. I know the two of you had plenty of good times together, and I know she is thankful for those times. Rest Well my friend. I know your up there keeping things in order. I look forward to the time we'll meet again...

Shawn

Cpl. Shawn Albright
St. Joseph County Police

April 15, 2004