Family, Friends & Fellow Officers Remember...

Yesterday was my first birthday without you. I remember last year like it was yesterday, and not a dreaded year ago. It is so sad that you had to work that double shift, and I know how badly you felt that you couldn't take me out to dinner and that we didn't get a chance to spend time together.
This year was a very different birthday. I told my friends' and family that we weren't "celebrating" because it isn't something that I wanted to celebrate without you.
I remember when we first met you had told me that growing up, you hadn't really celebrated much for birthdays. As time went on, you began to look forward to the birthday celebrations that we would have for one another.
I still cannot believe it. A whole year is quickly approaching and I can't believe that I am here to talk about it. In so many ways, it seems so much longer than a year. It seems like an eternity since I have seen your face, held your hand, heard your laugh echo throughout the house, and or heard your voice.
It really is true that time moves, but in your heart and mind, time can stand still.
I think that you have a lot to do with where I am, what I am doing, and how I am coping. I have no doubt in my mind that the recent changes were the right changes. I know that you wanted me to continue to help, heal and soothe other people. You knew in your heart and mind that I still have so much to give. You saw to it that I got back to what I am good at. You wanted so badly for what is going on now, to happen for me. I know that this is beyond a doubt, what you would have wanted for me.
I have felt you urging me to grow and heal every step of the way.
I will never stop loving you, and your memory will live on in my heart and mind forever.
I Love You B,
J.

November 5, 2004

Honey,
You would be so proud of me if you were here to see what all has happened since the "Big Move". I couldn't believe that it actually all went off without TOO many glitches.ha ha ha...
Our "kids" did fine, Jordan had a little trouble initially, but you should see how he struts around his new home as if he has lived in this house for years. It is amazing.
I started my new job and I know without a doubt that this is definitely what you wanted for me. I am working for a wonderful healthcare organization that will offer me so many amazing opportunities. I am so glad that I am able to return to the profession that I love so dearly. It is true what they say, sometimes it is just like riding a bike. Once you get back on, it's like you never stopped riding, even if only for a few months...
I thought about you throughout the day, but the memories were good ones, not the painful ones that used to haunt me so often back in Indiana.
I Love You and I am thinking of you tonight. I am thankful that your love has given me the strength to try to rebuild my life, whatever it is to be now.
I Love You B,
JLV

October 28, 2004

How hard it is to say "see you later" to loved ones and friends and to know that it will be longer than a few weeks until I see them again. Although this is definitely ranks among some of the hardest things that I've had to do, I know that getting a fresh start is pertinent to my well-being. Saying "see ya later" to the Matteson-Thomas Family today was heart-wrenching. I know that if it weren't for them, I would have probably not made it through these past few months. They have been so understanding and SO non-judgemental. They have welcomed me into their hearts and their home and for that I am so very grateful.
I know that this is the "right thing" and that this is what you would have wanted for me. I have no doubt in my mind that you would want me to rebuild my life and to try to grasp and hold onto whatever happiness I can find. For me, going back to work will be a blessing. I am so glad that I didn't make that hasty decision and throw all my scrub tops away. (Well, I was definitely going to keep the tops that you bought for me...:) I am ecstatic that I do still maintain the knowledge and expertise to possibly help save someone's life. I am thinking that my first "big save" that I have after I return to the ER will be a sign that I do have a purpose. After all that I have endured the past 10 1/2 months, I am thankful that I can fall back on what I know. For me, that is nursing.
It is amazing to me now how many people truly care about me, about us and the tragedy that occured.
It is hard to leave great friends', colleagues and family behind, but like I say, I will always only be an email or a phone call away.
I Love You and I Thank You that you are with me every step of this new and rocky road.

Jules

October 24, 2004

Say Bryan

Poem rephrased and based on the book "Saying Olin to Say Goodbye"
by Donald Hackett

The time of concern is over. No longer am I asked how I am doing. Never is the name of my partner mentioned to me. A curtain descends. The moment has passed. A life slips from frequent recall. There are exceptions...close and comforting friends, sensitive and loving family. For most, the drama is over. The spotlight is off. Applause is silent. But for me, the play will never end. The effects on me are timeless.
Say Bryan to me.

On the stage of my life, he has been both lead and supporting actor.
Do not tiptoe around the greatest event of my life. Love does not die. His name is written on my life. The sound of his voice replays within my mind. You feel he is dead. I feel he is of the dead and still lives. You say he was my partner, I say he is.
Say Bryan to me and say Bryan again.

It hurts to bury his memory in silence.
What he was in flesh has now turned to ash.
What he was in spirit, stirs within me always.
He is of my past, but he is part of my present. He is my hope for the future.
You say not to remind me. How little you understand I cannot forget.
I would not if I could.
I forgive you because you cannot know.
I strive not to judge you, for yesterday I was like you.

I do not ask you to walk this road. The ascent is steep and the burden is heavy.
I walk it not by choice.
I would rather walk it with him in the flesh.
I am what I have to be.
What I have lost you cannot feel.
What I have gained you cannot see.
Say Bryan, for he is alive in me.

He and I will meet again, though in many ways we have never parted.
He and his life play light songs in my mind, sunrises and sunsets on my dreams.
He is real and he is shadow, he was and he is.

He is my partner and I love him as I always did.
Say Bryan to me and say Bryan again.




Thanks Jess for sending this to me, I love this poem!!

October 16, 2004

B,
On this 10 month marker, I am doing something that I didn't think I would be doing until after we had had our first baby and we had planned on moving out into the county because we wanted a bigger house.
I am now packing our lives up in boxes, preparing for a move that I know is definitely the "right thing" for me. After your death, nothing felt "right". Being with my mom and going back to work feel like the closest thing to "right" that I have felt since you died. I know that this is definitely not what we had anticipated our lives to be when we said our vows last May.
The day that I found and read every note and letter that you ever wrote to me, was a day that I will never forget.
It is alleged that time heals all wounds, but I am finding my broken heart still too wounded for words.
I know that this move is through your guidance, and I know that leaving will help me to heal immensely.
I am grateful for the people that have helped me, but I know it is time for me to be on my own and to once again stand on my own two feet. I am finally getting back in touch with the woman that you loved, the woman that you chose to spend your life with because I always seemed to reflect your strength.
I love you Bryan and I know that this one thing is the thing that remains eternal, OUR LOVE FOR ONE ANOTHER..
I miss you as much today as I did 10 months ago. My heart will forever yearn for the things that we never got to do.
I will always keep our memories in the safest place that I know; my heart and
my mind.
Love,
Jules

October 13, 2004

B.,
There is still so much in this life that makes no sense. Like so many other things, there still remains no rhyme or reason. I don't believe that there will be a time in the near future when things will all of the sudden "make sense". I think that only distance will prove to be instrumental in my healing.
Tonight is a night that reminds me of how much you loved me, and how in reality, I am more "lucky" than so many other women who will never know what it is like to be truly loved and adored by the man of their dreams. I look up in the clear sky this October night, and I can still feel your love all around me.
That is why I lost so much.
I lost more than anyone can ever
imagine, nor would I really expect them to understand or to care.
They weren't us and they didn't understand..and they never will understand.
They didn't know how truly deep and spiritual our bond was. I am now coming to terms with the fact that people cannot understand and that is quite o.k.
It just proves that they can't understand what our love was, what the implications were, and how truly blessed we were.
I used to wonder what made me the unlucky one, why was I the one to lose you when we didn't even get a chance to really live?
Now I know what the truth is.
So many walk this planet, searching fruitlessly, never finding what they are looking for or just plain "settling" for second best because they couldn't find the one they were REALLY looking for.
But we found each other.
I am so much luckier than so many others' on this Earth to have loved you and to have been so completely loved by You.
I Love You.
Always and Forever,
J.

October 9, 2004

After a While
by Veronica Shoffstall

After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul and you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't always mean security.

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises and you begin to accept your defeats with your eyes ahead with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.

And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans and futures have a way of falling down mid-flight.

After a while, you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much, so you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure
and that you really are strong.

and you really do have worth

and you learn

and you learn

with every goodbye you learn.

October 5, 2004

It is still ironic how much time has passed, and yet how broken a heart and soul can be. It is horribly difficult to watch the lives of everyone else "move on" when it still feels like the world has stopped rotation. This feeling is the one thing that can never be explained. They say that it is better to have loved wholly and completely and lost, than to never have loved at all. To believe that is a total lie. Being robbed of the one you love is the absolute worst thing in the world.
Looking at faces in the crowd, searching for you and knowing that you will never be seen again is far worse than traumatic.
It is amazing how people who don't even love each other are allowed to live on this Earth and you were taken so suddenly. People who will never know what it is like to love wholly and completely. People who will never experience the joy of what we once had.
How difficult it is to find rhyme or reason to who lives and who dies. The balance of this life is precarious, to say the least.
One will never understand the how, why, when or where everything went so terribly wrong. It will always remain a mystery to the one person that loved you the most...
One will also never understand the tragedy of your death, nor will one EVER understand how death has rendered what was once a family, to now become complete strangers. It is completely baffling.
Never a day passes when you are not thought of. Although your Spirit may live on in actions and deeds, the fact that you are not here physically remains the most detrimental fact that anyone can comprehend.

October 3, 2004

Dear Bryan,
The hurting hearts of those left behind still search for a peace within.Your memories will never lose their value to all who love you.They are priceless.I certainly know now that the worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know,but by who we are.You are in my thoughts so very often.You are greatly missed.

Deb

September 16, 2004

Bryan,
I miss you buddy. I think about you every day. A lot of people do. Thats one thing no one that knows you will ever forget. I loved going anywhere with you, and it NEVER failed, you knew someone there... Ok, I'm writing this because its been about a year since the last time I talked to you. So I just wanted to say hi, again.

Nathan

September 15, 2004

B.,
It has been a difficult task to face life everyday since you have been gone. Since today is the 9 month marker, I have written another poem for you. I know that you understand it to the fullest meaning.
Even though you are not here physically, I am beginning to slowly understand that there are still some things that we can share. Even though you are not here for me to discuss "plans" with, I can still ask for your opinions and guidance, just on another plane. You may not answer right away, (like you used to), but eventually you do give me direction. I can only thank God and wonder how I have made it THIS far. I know that deep down inside, your love and your spirit is still within me, and that fact truly explains everything.
Few people will ever understand the emotional trauma that has ensued since December 13th. In the past, it had become habit to re-live all of the events of that horrible morning. Now, my focus has shifted more to what you and I shared.
If anyone were to ever ask me, "Would you give up 2 months of your pain and suffering since his death for 2 less minutes that you could've spent with him while he was alive?" The answer would invariably be "NO!" I would never want to give up one second of one day that we were given to live on this Earth together. Slowly, I am learning that the memories with you are quickly becoming the most prized posession that I have, and that NO ONE or NO THING can take that away from me.
Few to none will ever be enlightened to know what I've endured..nor will they. The funny thing about grief is that not one person's journey will ever be the same. Some act like it didn't happen, some acknowledge, and then a month later everything is back to "normal". Some struggle more with your death for more time because of the infinite role that you played in their lives; the role of husband, the one that was to someday become father, and eventually grandfather. There was always more to our plans that met the eye of an outsider...
It is still YOU and only YOU that knows my heart, mind and soul. I have faith that you will continue to help me find my way. I finally realized that if there was anything that you ever wanted for me, it was for me to be happy. I loved you for so very many things, but you were definitely the love of my life and you always ensured that I was safe, warm and happy at all times.

The Metamorphosis
Written by JLV for BSV 9/13/04

I feel as if I am being punished to a life sentence without you.
The events of December thirteenth forced me into a hideous, dark, cold and cavernous abyss.
I doubted that the weather would change, that anything could force me out of the cocoon that I had woven.
But finally, when I wasn't looking, the changes came.

As summer slips into fall, I know that there will be no more painfully cold winters here without you.
I have finally emerged from my cocoon, wanting to live a life,
Some of it was what we had; some of it is what I now have alone.
I carry your love in my Spirit, when my wings emerge and feel heavy.

I no longer crave the warm, sinister depression that I was once obliterated by,
The metamorphosis has encouraged me to finally slip out and try to fly.
I cannot stay in the place that I once was,
I can no longer be the person I was before.

I must learn how to fly, feeling not the same as I once did when you were alive,
When your love fulfilled every inch of my Spirit and Soul.
It is now that I can only imagine the beautiful newness of my wings,
I must open them up; take a deep breath, and fly; this time alone.

As I take off, I feel the breeze, a summer that has so gradually crept by,
I feel the sun on my wings, the dewy dampness of that depression wearing thin.
I see a flower, I am attracted to it, and as I slowly begin to sip up the pollen I begin wondering..
Will I ever see happiness again?

I know that just as you have helped me to emerge from the cocoon,
There will be times when I won't always know which way to go, or which direction to fly.
I know that my beautiful wings were a gift from you to me, in order to assist..
When I have more questions on which way to fly, I can pause, take a deep breath, and remember..what it was like..before this metamorphosis.

I Love You Honey,
JLV

Jules

September 13, 2004

Big V
I went to Grayling with Jeff in June. You were right, there is nothing like it when that trout rises to eat your fly. I wish that I had started fly fishing earlier and went with the two of you the many times that you asked. It was awesome. I caught a brooky on my first cast and I wonder if maybe you didn't have something to do with that. When the bugs just weren't falling Jeff would look to the sky and ask for a little help and you never refused because the bugs would start hitting the water and bam the fish would start rising. You would be proud, I bought a Winston and I'm going on the salmon trip in October. I'm gonna need your help so around the 10th if you could give me a look and help guide my fly we'll land one together. Its hard sometimes when Jeff talks about all the good times the two of you had, knowing that with all the invites you gave me I could have shared in those memories. I miss you.

Bogie

Cpl. Jon Bogart
Mishawaka

September 12, 2004

"Not a Day Goes By"
Lyrics and Music by Lonestar

Got a picture of you I carry in my heart
Close my eyes to see it when the world gets dark
Got a memory of you I carry in my soul
I wrap it close around me when the night gets cold
If you asked me how I'm doin' I'd say just fine
But the truth is baby, if you could read my mind
Not a day goes by that I don't think of you
After all this time you're still with me it's true
Somehow you remain locked so deep inside
Baby, baby, oh baby, not a day goes by
I still wait for the phone in the middle of the night
Thinkin' you might call me if your dreams don't turn out right
And it still amazes me that I lie here in the dark
Wishin' you were next to me, your head against my heart
If you asked me how I'm doin' I'd say just fine
But the truth is baby, if you could read my mind
Not a day goes by, that I don't think of you
After all this time you're still with me it's true
Somehow you remain locked so deep inside
Baby, baby, oh baby, not a day goes by
Minutes turn to hours, and the hours to days
Seems it's been forever that I've felt this way
Not a day goes by that I don't think of you
After all this time you're still with ME it's true
Somehow you remain locked so deep inside
Baby, baby, oh baby, not a day goes by...

September 12, 2004

B.,
Last night you gave me that great big grin and you showed me that there was never a day that you weren't doing what you loved to do. This evening the dream is still so fresh and vivid in my mind and I am thankful for the gift of love that you sent.
The other day I got this card from Cpl. Teresa Laubach (Prince Georges' County, MD)and I was so thankful for her support to my mom and I throughout National Police Week. The poem that was on the back of another Fallen Officer's card was so beautiful, and I wanted post it for you here..

A New Perspective

by Marianne Schwenz for her brother-in-law Deputy Jason Schwenz EOW 2/13/01

I heard a shot, but felt no pain
The bullet from a man "insane"
Then a soft voice whispered in my ear
"Come with me son, have no fear."

I saw the tears streaming down your faces,
Flags at half mast, friends in embraces.
I saw sashes on pins, I heard the bagpipes,
And on my Brothers' badges, thin black stripes.

It's hard to leave each of you
and everything I've known,
But my work here is done,
The Lord called me home.
So now when you think of me,
Think good thoughts
It's o.k. to talk to me, and miss me a lot.

Hold tight the memories,
of the man you once knew.
Your faith in those memories
will help see you through.
And if you ever need me,
close your eyes and you'll see.
I'm here in your heart
and alive in your memory.

I Love You and Miss you more with each passing day,

Your Wife
Juli

September 2, 2004

Dear B.,
Yesterday I attended the funeral services of Officer Timothy "Jake" Laird of IPD yesterday. Since your death, this was the first officer's funeral that I have been to. I felt that I wanted to go out of respect, honor and a duty that I now have in my heart to uphold for both of us.
Going to the funeral was definitely not an easy thing to do, as I relived a lot of memories that I had forgotton or blocked out from 12/13/03. I had a totally different experience from December, viewing "from the outside" so to speak.
Today I have thought about a lot of things, but the main thing is that I miss you. Not one day goes by that your spirit is not reflected in my thoughts, words, deeds or actions.
I will always wonder what our lives would have been like had you lived. There are times when I mourn about how awesome our children would have been. I wonder how good-looking they would have been, how athletic and talented they would have been...but it is not to be now. Coming to terms with lost dreams has been the very hardest part of this journey alone, without you by my side. One of the strangest things about grief is that it truly does creep up in all different ways, at different times of the day.
Today is a day of reflection. As I reflect on the horrible loss of Officer Laird and what his family and law enforcement agency is to face in the upcoming months, I also hope that possibly somehow, someway I can offer them some comfort in D.C. next year.
Based on what his fellow officers' had said at the service, I know that you and "Jake" would have been friends if you had met one another prior to your untimely deaths'. You truly had a lot in commmon. I know that you will befriend him now as your fellow officer up in Heaven, who has now beceome a fellow "Angel of Blue".
I Love You.
Now and Forever,

Your Loving Wife

August 24, 2004

Dear Bryan,
You are and will always be missed.There is a point in each day that you always come to mind.We were blessed to share the joys you brought to a routine day.You made many long nights in Dispatch bearable.How about those people you and Willie imitated? Continue to watch over us and give us a small amount of the strength you had.I will always keep Juli in my prayers.I do know how she feels somewhat.I also know the emptiness is larger than anything we can cope with at this time.We can try to direct our love and hope in different ways.But...the emptiness still stays.

You are loved and missed by many.

Deb McGinnis
Mishawaka Police Dept.

August 21, 2004

Bryan, it's been eight months. It still feels like it happened yesterday. People say time will make it better. They're wrong. Not a day goes by that I don't think about you and Tom. I miss you guys. I only wish I had more time to get to know you two before you were taken. You are always in my thoughts and prayers. You are sorely missed my friend.

Patrolman in Indiana

August 19, 2004

B.,
Todays marks the 8th month that you have been gone from my life. I am always more "on edge" when I know that this day is coming on the calendar. The emotions that are evoked on the 13th are always unexpected, as I tend to recall the events that occurred on that fateful night.
I wrote a poem for you a couple of months ago, and I wanted to post it for the 8 month marker. Although so many emotions are very raw, I am tryng to heal, albeit very, very slowly. I know that you have helped me in many ways, and I thank you for your continuing "guidance".
I Love You B,
Now and Forever,
J.

Questions From A Widow

What does empty mean?
It now takes on a different meaning than it once did before.
Emptiness is the sound of the ER doors opening, and you coming in.
Empty is what our house is, the one that you barely got to live in.

What does lonely mean?
Lonely is what my heart feels, every minute of every day since you've gone,
Lonliness is the lack of your footsteps down the hall.
Lonely is what my soul is, without you in my life,
Lonely is what my heart knows best, as the pain twists and turns like a knife.

What does "single" mean?
Single is what I am now forced to write on forms and to say out loud,
In my heart I want you back as my husband, I wish you were still around.
Single is how I present to others, but in my heart and mind I know,
In my soul I am still married, you are with me wherever I go.

What does unlucky mean?
Unlucky is when the officer that was shot was your husband,
The "right thing" for me was nothing that anyone could do or say.
Unlucky is having seven short months of marriage, it seems I am now bound to this Earth alone.
Unlucky is not having your love to keep me sane, to have the love that you treasured most, taken away.

What does anger mean?
Anger is an emotion that I am frequently in touch with.
I share much anger at a man that I will never look at, nor judge.
Anger is what I feel when I see other couples in love,
Anger is the thunderbolt of my emotions, it seems that it is always uphill that I must trudge.

Handling the emotions that have arrived after your death have been the biggest challenge that I know,
There are so many people that don't understand, as they are so lucky and full of life.
The cavernous hole of sorrow, it never seems to completely let go.
I only wish I would've been more lucky, lucky enough for you to be alive, and for you to still call me WIFE.

Written by JLV

August 13, 2004

BSV,
This sums up how I frequently feel. I found this poem in a book entitled, "When a Lifemate Dies" and this poem really captured my attention.

WHAT THEY WANT TO HEAR
By Paula Porter

People say that I'm handling it well,
coping,
adjusting...
But they don't know I go to sleep every night
hugging a pillow
pretending it's you
and praying not to wake up
another morning alone.
People want to know how I'm doing
making a new life...
going on...
I give a sad smile and say,
"It's rough."
"Thanks for asking."
"I'm managing."
Words they want to hear.
People comment how strong and brave I've been through it all..
your fight for life,
your death.
But they can't understand that
my strength
and bravery
and hopes
were buried
with You...

I Love You,
J.

August 12, 2004

B.,
Last night I dreamt that we were together, and when I woke up I was once again lost because my mind wanted to believe it so badly. It is amazing the tricks that the mind can play on you.
Through recent events, I have come to a realization and an understanding of what I need to do in order to rebuild my life.
There is nothing that anyone can say or do to justify what happened. It is funny how people that were once the ones that I thought would support me the most, have all but disappeared completely from my life. So many broken promises and words that would have been better left unsaid. So much has changed in such a short amount of time.
Many have the strange belief that everything happens for a reason, and I strongly disagree. If someone would have told me what was going to happen to us after only 7 short months of being married, I would have never believed it.
Regardless of what happened 12/13, the fact of the matter remains that I must rediscover what my life is now. This has been the most difficult part of losing you. There is no more "us" or "we". There are to be no children to play in our yard. In order to heal, I have had to let go of so many of "our" dreams. Letting go of the dreams, in and of itself has definitely been the hardest. But letting go doesn't mean that I have forgotton, nor will I ever forget the life and all of the dreams that we had planned for ourselves.
One of the things that most will never understand is that by learning to rebuild my life, I will ALWAYS have your everlasting LOVE and your Spirit which will reside in my heart FOREVER. No one or nothing can change these facts. You have been the one to guide me down this path, and you have led me to make some major life decisions.
I am so thankful that love DOES transcend death, as that I am still able to feel your strength, love and guidance. I know that there would be no other way for me to still be standing after all of the traumatic events that have occurred since your death.
I Love You and I Miss You.
Your Wife,
JLV

August 10, 2004

Bryan,

It doesn’t seem possible that we will be soon approaching the 8-month marker. Their have been so many wonderful ceremonies conducted honoring your successes as an athlete along with the ultimate sacrifice you made that early Saturday morning. Your mom, dad, and Brett made a beautiful spot back in the woods for you. Your dad said it was one of your favorite spots. You can see it from the porch of the cabin. It’s absolutely breath taking how the sun shines down through the trees and magnifies your special spot.
You know I have been around law enforcement my entire life with my dad being a retired officer and now Brett. I just never realized…. I just never realized until December 13th. That never crossed my mind as I remember my dad putting on his vest and fastening his duty belt. It never crossed my mind as Brett would be lacing up his boots and quietly leaving to work his midnight shift. This is not supposed to happen. This is not supposed to happen to a loving husband, son, brother, and dedicated peace officer. We can ask God why……. a million times, but we will never know or understand. Your sacrifice has affected so many people, communities, but ultimately your family and fellow officers.
I was looking at old pictures at your mom and dads with Brett and we ran across a picture of you holding a shotgun and Brett holding a pistol when you were little boys. Brett laughed, remembering when that picture was taken. Seeing that picture with your smiles holding those guns made me think… you were taken… doing what you loved to do… doing what God pre-destined you to do. For I believe God puts each and every one of us on Earth for a purpose and you served and so many respect your great works while you were here with us. But, it still doesn’t seem right.
Your family is coping really well. Your mother is a very strong woman. Your dad says he can just see you walking down the hill to the porch saying, "Hey what’s going on guys." He’s still policing when he gets a chance. Brett went back to work as soon as he could after the most awful week ever imaginable. I often wonder how he sits in that squad car 40 hours a week after this has happened. I know your Grandma really misses talking with you. You are missed greatly by so many.

Candace

August 10, 2004

"And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes;there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away." REV 21:4

Bryan,
It's hard to believe that the 8 month mark is approaching. It doesn't seem possible. I spoke to Juli, and I believe she's made a decision that I know you helped her reach. She knows she has my support and will be there if she needs me. Willie, Reppert, your brother and I made the trip to the Brewers game that we were planning. It was a great time. We toured the brewery, and had several "Maniac" stories. I know you were there laughing with us. (and cracking a few Willie jokes). Keep and eye on us down here Bryan, We Love and miss you.

Cpl. Shawn Albright
St. Joseph County Police Department

July 29, 2004

Bryan, I know it has been along time since you have passed, but I wanted to write to tell you and Juli how much you your sacrifice meant. As a law enforment officer goes, you took the alltiment sacrifice. But, it was uncalled for. You had so much to live for and I just can't believe the agony in my heart when Albright called me that morning and told me of your passing. I talk to Brett and he is doing fine. I worked with him and we alaways did the right things as you always did.Law is in the blood, and I know you did you job to the best of your ability. It is terrible that he had to take a wonderful person from this world.
I have moved from across the street now, but I still drive by to make sure everything is fine. I still talk to Brett and your dad, and think the whole family is wonderful. Thank you for all the County stuff you gave me and rest in peace. Thanks again. D.

Ptlm. Dan Bodle
St. Joseph County PD

July 26, 2004

BSV,
It feels as if the minute I begin to get clue on how to live in this world without you,the injustices tower upon me and I fall yet again. It is sincerely a baffling and frustrating phenomenon. I cannot fathom how unfair life is. Everytime I am told how someone else's life has gone on, I am severely angered and utterly hopeless for what my future is to be now.
Grieving for your tragic and untimely death is unlike anything I have ever experienced. I don't know if, when or how I will progress.
I miss you and I still think about what this August meant for us...
For the "us" to become a family.
I hate the fact that it is yet another dream to die. With your death, so many of our dreams also died. Whether I wanted those dreams to die or not, the fact is that they did. I fear that with so much time left on this Earth, that there are so many things that I will leave undone and untouched. You always told me how wonderful of a "Mom" that I would be. Now it seems we will never know.
Because you were taken from me, I will never fulfill so many hopes and dreams. That fact of unfulfillment is something that most people will NEVER understand.
Not a day goes by that I don't think of something we said, a dream that we shared, or a joke that we laughed at.
You will always and forever be the Love of my Life.
I love you and I miss you more with each passing day,

Jules

July 20, 2004

Bryan,
I found this poem on another Fallen Officer's web site, but I wanted to post it for you because it is so fitting.

A Million Times

A million times I've needed you,
A million times I've cried.
If love alone could have saved you,
You never would have died.
In life I love you dearly,
In death I love you still.
In my heart you hold a place,
No one ELSE will ever fill.
It broke my heart to lose you,
But you didn't go alone.
Part of me went with you,
The day God took you home.

Unknown Author

July 14, 2004