Family, Friends & Fellow Officers Remember...

I cannot believe that I am actually here to tell the tale of the past year...nor can I believe that I am forced to begin the second year of my life without you.

This is something I never fathomed, never imagined and certainly NEVER thought would happen.

I remember that you always said, "If it comes down to me or the bad guy, I'm coming home at the end of the night." I still don't understand why so much evil is allowed to pervade in this world.

I don't understand why the people who are law-abiding citizens and who always try to "do the right thing" are the ones eternally punished, while criminals roam free, doing as they wish.

Even if someone could explain to me WHY I will never experience your touch ever again, WHY I will never be a mother and experience the joys of raising our children, WHY I had to pick up and leave behind so many friends and family that I knew and love, the explanation STILL wouldn't be good enough. I am still very angry that you are gone. I am still angry that someone who was so worthless could steal away everything that I had hoped for my whole life, in one nanosecond. All of our hopes, all of our dreams,...GONE FOREVER...

I know they say "Gone but not forgotten", but darling, that would be so impossible for me. Since 12/13/03 I have had to live with the daily reminder that you are no longer here 24-7 as I continually think about how empty "your" side of the bed is.

Many people will forget, as many have already gone on with their lives. The shattered pieces of my heart will never mend, as I know that when we were together, I had my few months of happiness.

In talking to other survivors, they say that things will be different this second year. I guess I don't know how any amount of time can help to heal a thousand tiny pieces back together again...fractured pieces, pieces that don't even FIT together anymore.

I love you today, tomorrow, and forever.

J.

January 3, 2005

Dear Juli,

I am Matt Smith's sister and I wish I would have had the opportunity to meet you. Bryan used to visit Matt often and he was a great guy. I can understand why you love him so much. He really loved you too. Your reflections are so beautiful and very touching. I so admire your strength and determination to go on living. I know Bryan is so proud of you and that he wouldn't want you to be sad. You are always in my thoughts and prayers and I wish you all the best in life and in achieving your goals.

Sincerely,

Becky G.

Becky G.

January 1, 2005

Dear Bryan,

I am the sister of your friend Matt Smith. I will never forget the phone call I received in the early morning of 12/13/03. Not a day goes by that we don't think about you. Matt loved you like a brother and he hasn't been the same since you died. Please watch over him and keep him safe. Also watch over Matty who was so hurt by your death. He misses you so much.

We love you and miss you. You will never be forgotten.

Becky

Becky G.

January 1, 2005

"Breakaway"

Grew up in a small town
And when the rain would fall down
I just stared out my window
Dreaming of what could be
And if I'd end up happy
I would pray (I would pray)

Trying hard to reach out
But when I'd try to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I pray (I would pray)
I could breakaway

[Chorus:]
I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes til' I touch the sky
I'll make a wish
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget all the ones that I loved
I'll take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway

Wanna feel the warm breeze
Sleep under a palm tree
Feel the rush of the ocean
Get onboard a fast train
Travel on a jet plane, far away (I will)
And breakaway

[Chorus]

Buildings with a hundred floors
Swinging around revolving doors
Maybe I don't know where they'll take me but
Gotta keep moving on, moving on
Fly away, breakaway

I'll spread my wings
And I'll learn how to fly
Though it's not easy to tell you goodbye
I gotta take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget the place I come from
I gotta take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway, breakaway, breakaway

Music and lyrics by Kelly Clarkson
Copyright 2004,
from the album "Breakaway"

December 31, 2004

B.,
I am SO GLAD that Christmas is over with! I am also glad that a new tradition was created. Nothing can ever be the way that it was when you were alive. That fact that there was no sense of urgency to rush out and buy gifts and decorate a tree was very therapeutic for me. I thoroughly enjoyed not "doing" Christmas this year. By not celebrating, I felt like I was creating a different tradition. An extremely sad and unfortunate fact remains that you are no longer here to celebrate "old traditions" with, so therefore, new ones were created.
This year, I often wondered how happy we would have been, how we would have been expecting our first child, decorating the nursery, and announcing to our parents' the joy that they were finally going to have the joy of becoming grandparents'!!
But, apparently it was never meant to be.
Right now, I am working very hard at my job, and I know you are proud of my recent advancements. I know you are smiling at my recent decision regarding grad school.
All I can say is, 12/25 was "just another day" for us, and I am glad that it is all over. I am glad that we had a good time, doing "non-Christmas" things, that there was no snow, and definitely no cold to deal with.
Your spirit was felt in many different ways, and I know that your spirit remains strong within me.
I am totally counting the days until I get to see you again and that we can be reunited. I know it is a "blink of the eye" for you (as heaven has no time frames..), but for me, 1 day without you was entirely TOO LONG!
I Love You,
Now and Forever,

Your Wife

December 28, 2004

Bryan,
Just wanted to wish you and your family a Merry Christmas. You are always in my thoughts and prayers.

-Christine

Christine Parr

December 25, 2004

On angels ...
"The wings ain't anything but a uniform that's all. When they are in the field so to speak, they always wear them." - Taken from Tom Sawyer by Mark Twain

Bryan,
You're not forgotten ...

December 14, 2004

I was riding to work this morning, and for once turned off the radio and just rode. I never really do that. Silence forces people to think about thing's they might not want to deal with. I didn't even know you, but my heart really was aching about you not being here anymore, and for your precious Jules. It's hard to believe that it has been a year since you left this world. I didn't even know you, and that is my biggest regret. Jules is so wonderful, and man I KNOW you are so proud of her. That woman has more strength than FIVE of me put together. You have been gone from this world, but you have touched many in ways that will never be able to be explained.

Keep on watching over Jules. She loves you so much. Tell Daniel hi for me and that I love him.

Jessica Ruhl
Fiancee of Police Officer Dan Starks
FMPD - Florida. EOW: 10.25.03

December 13, 2004

B.,
It feels like an eternity since I have felt your hand in mine, kissed your lips, heard your laughter or seen your smile. You were always my Number One Fan and I miss you more than anyone could fathom.
On this day, most will choose to reflect on the horrible and tragic events surrounding your loss. I have attempted to focus and reflect on the joy of having you in my life, and how awesome our lives were together.
I refuse to dwell on HOW you died and I choose to celebrate the time that we did get to spend together.
I am thankful for every minute that we had on this Earth together, and I sincerely anticipate the time when we will be joined once again. I know that the next time around, we will NOT be torn away from one another and that we will never have to be away from each other ever again.
I am glad that you have given me the strength to make the recent changes in my life. I definitely know that those choices were the right thing for me.
A community mourns the loss of two police officers' tonight, as I mourn for my husband and my Soul Mate.
Seven months of marriage was WAY TOO SHORT, and throughout the four and a half years that I had you in my life, I always had a sense that I would never be without you. In a way, I was right. I know that you are watching over me from Heaven and that you are helping me in any way that you possibly can.
I can't believe that it has been a full year without you. In so many ways, it has seemed like 10 years since I have seen you. The minute you rolled into the ER, something inside of my mind and spirit changed. I knew that physically, you were already gone.
No matter what changes occur, I will always and forever remain "your wife" in my heart. I keep the great memories tucked away for days like today, when I know that the misery and sadness can be overpowering.
I hope that you like the wreath and the roses that I sent for you in D.C. at The Wall. Teresa told me that the wreath was very beautiful. I am so thankful to Teresa L., the D.C. COPS President, and Jeff Swanson for honoring you today. I am eternally grateful for people who are so kind to police survivors.
There have been so many changes that have happened since you died. I am sure that you are watching in awe and disbelief at some of them. No one or nothing is really the same, and many relationships have taken such strange twists and turns. Change. A word that I am extremely familiar with. Some has been good, and some has been very bad, but life was definitely and infinitely changed so drastically after your death. Change has been the primary theme this past year since you've gone, but one thing that won't change is my love for you.
Not a day goes by that I don't miss you.
I Love You,
Now and Forever....

Your Wife
J.

December 13, 2004

We still grieve for thee.....

OMY/COP/WPD
12/13/04

Chief of Police / Olen M. Young
Wauneta PD Nebraska

December 13, 2004

My prayers to officers and their families everywhere. For the risk they are willing to take every day that they go go to work. They face the evil so my family won't have to. Thank you and God bless all of you. Those still with us here and those watching over us from above.

Kari, local resident

December 13, 2004

Bryan,
It is very hard to image that it is one year ago today that you were taken from this world. You are greatly missed and your family will always be in my prayers.

Always,
Christine

Christine Parr

December 13, 2004

"Weak and Powerless"

Tilling my own grave to keep me level
Jam another dragon down the hole
Digging to the rhythm and the echo of a solitary siren
One that pushes me along and leaves me so

Desperate and Ravenous
I'm so weak and powerless over you

Someone feed the monkey while I dig in search of China
White as Dracula as I approach the bottom

Desperate and Ravenous
I'm so weak and powerless over you

Little angel go away
Come again some other day
The devil has my ear today
I'll never hear a word you say
He promised I would find a little solace
And some piece of mind
Whatever just as long as I don't feel so

Desperate and Ravenous
I'm so weak and powerless over you
Desperate and Ravenous
I'm so weak and powerless
over you




Words and lyrics by A Perfect Circle
Album "Thirteenth Step"
Copyright 2003

December 12, 2004

"IT'S NOT HOW THESE OFFICERS' DIED, IT'S HOW THEY LIVED."
-Tacticus

December 12, 2004

Hero Of The Day
Words and Lyrics by Metallica

Mama they try and break me

The window burns to light the way back home
A light that warms no matter where they've gone

They're off to find the hero of the day
But what if they should fall by someone's wicked way

Still the window burns
Time so slowly turns
And someone there is sighing
Keepers of the flames
Do ya feel your name?
Can't you hear your babies crying?

Mama they try and break me
Still they try and break me

'Scuze me while I tend to how I feel
These things return to me that still seem real

Now deservingly this easy chair
But the rocking stopped by wheels of despair

Don't want your aid
But the first I've make
For years can't hold or feel
No, I'm not all me
So please excuse me
While I tend to how I feel

But now the dreams and waking screams
That ever last the night
So build the wall, behind the crawl
And hide until it's light
So can you hear your babies cryin' now?

Still the window burns
Time so slowly turns
And someone there is sighing
Keepers of the flames
Do ya feel your name?
Can't you hear your babies crying?


Mama they try and break me

December 9, 2004

B,
It is so hard to see everyone preparing for the holidays when I know what the holiday season meant to us last year. I don't know what Christmas "means" anymore, but I will say that it will definitely never be what it once was.
To see people so happy and celebrating this time of year has been very challenging to say the least.
I am feeling so sad when I remember what our plans were last year.
I am trying so hard to make "new" traditions, and I know that you are proud of me every step of the way.
Thank you for the dreams, and for allowing me to feel your Spirit.
I Love You,
Now and Forever,
JLV

December 4, 2004

Bryan,
Thanksgiving has come and gone. One year is quickly coming and very hard to image. Just wanted you to know that we are thinking of you everyday. You are sincerly missed and I have you and Juli in my prays.
We miss you greatly

Always,
Christine

Christine Cerny-Parr

November 30, 2004

Juli..


There are times
I swear I know you’re here
When I forget about my fears
Feeling you my dear
Watchin over me
And my hope seeks
What the future will bring
When you wrap me in your wings
And take me?

Chorus

Where you are
Where you and I will breathe together
Once again
We’ll be dancing in the moonlight
Just like we used to do
And you’ll be smilin back at me
Only then will I be free
When I can be
Where you are

And I can see your face
Your kiss I still can taste
Not a memory erased
Oh, I see your star
Shining down on me
And I’ll do anything
If I could just
Be right there?

Chorus

Then I will be free
So take me where you are
Now baby there were times when selfishly
I’m wishing that you are here with me
So I can wipe the tears away from your eyes
And make you see
That every night while you are dreamin
I’m here to guard you from a far
And anytime I feel alone
I close my eyes and just be there?
Where you are
Where you and I can breathe together
(and we will breathe together baby)
Once again (oh, we’ll be dancing in the moonlight)
We’ll be dancin in the moonlight
Just like we used to be
And you’ll be smilin back at me
(only then will I be free)
Then I will be free
Baby I still believe
Oh I’ve got to believe
I will touch you that sweet day
That you take me there where you are
I still believe
Oh I’ve got to believe
I will touch you that sweet day
That you take me there
Where you are
Oh where you are
I’ve got to believe
I’ll always be waiting here
That sweet day yeah
Only wanna be where you are
I still believe

Lyrics from "Where You Are"
By Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey

November 27, 2004

Turkey day is fast approaching, and I can't quit thinking about how you brought that plate of wonderful food to me when I was working in the ER last year. I can close my eyes and see you coming around the corner like it was yesterday, not a whole year ago.
Last year you were alive, and we had so many plans and we were having a great time painting and completing home improvement projects. Oh, the hours we spent at Home Depot!!
It is so hard to believe that just around the corner, one of the things that we never thought would happen, HAPPENED. It happened to us, and I wonder now if we had known, would we have done anything different.
I would have to venture to say that the answer is no. We loved each other to the fullest, and we always made the best use of our time together, whatever time it was that we had.
You did show me what it was like to love and to be loved, wholly and completely.

You memories will remain in my heart and soul as long as I am forced to walk this Earth without you.

We are SoulMates Forever.
I Love You.

Your Wife

November 23, 2004

BRYAN SORRY I HAVE NOT LEFT YOU A REFLECTION PRIOR TO TODAY. I GUESS I FELT THAT IT WOULD BRING ALL THE TRAGIC MEMORIES BACK. I SAT DOWN SEVERAL TIMES AND TYPED BUT WHEN IT CAME TO SUBMITTING THE LETTER I NEVER FELT IT WAS GOOD ENOUGH TO HONOR YOU (MY BROTHER) IN A WAY YOU SO DESERVE. AS YOU KNOW SINCE THIS TRAGIC INCIDENT I HAVE TALKED TO YOU SEVERAL TIMES WHILE PATROLLING (A SQUAD CAR CAN BE A LONELY PLACE SOMETIMES) IT HELPS HAVING A WARRIOR IN HEAVEN RIDE SHOTGUN. MY FAMILY MISSES YOU AND WE LOVE THE MEMORIES WE HAVE OF YOU. THE WORLD IS A BETTER PLACE FOR YOU BEING HERE AND I THINK I MIGHT BE A BETTER MAN/COP BECAUSE OF THE FEW SHORT YEARS YOU WERE MY FRIEND. I LOOK FORWARD TO THE STORIES (NOT ALL OF THEM) THAT I CAN SHARE ABOUT YOU WITH MY 2 WONDERFUL BOYS. THEY WILL KNOW ABOUT AND RESPECT THE SACRAFICE THAT ALL TO MANY HERO OFFICERS HAVE MADE. I PROMISE THAT ME, ALBRIGHT AND WILLIE WILL KEEP ALIVE THE MILWAUKEE MANIAC TRADITION AND YOU WILL ALWAYS BE BALL PARKING IT WITH US. BRYAN I KNOW YOU HAVE GOT TO BE SO VERY PROUD OF JULI. I ALSO HOPE SHE KNOWS THAT HER INDIANA BROTHERS MISS HER AND WISH HER THE BEST !!!

CORPORAL DONALD M. REPPERT
ST JOSEPH COUNTY POLICE

November 23, 2004

WHEN GOD MADE PEACE OFFICERS
~ author unknown~


When the Lord was creating peace officers, He was into His sixth day of
overtime. An angel appeared and said, "You're doing a lot of fiddling around on this one."

And the Lord said, "Have you read the specs on this order? A peace officer has to be able to run five miles through alleys in the dark, scale walls, enter homes the health inspector wouldn't touch, and not wrinkle his
uniform.

He has to be able to sit in an undercover car all day on a stakeout, cover a homicide scene that night, canvas the neighborhood for witnesses
and testify in court the next day.
He has to be in top physical condition at all times, running on black coffee and half-eaten meals. And he has to have six pairs of hands."

The angel shook her head slowly and said, "Six pairs of hands...no way!"

"It's not the hands that are causing me problems", said the Lord,

"It's the three pairs of eyes the officer has to have."

"That's on the standard model?" asked the angel.

The Lord nodded. "One pair that sees through a bulge in a pocket before he asks, 'May I see what's in there, sir?' (When he already knows and wishes he'd taken that accounting job.) Another pair here in the side of his head for his partner's safety. And another pair of eyes here in front that can look reassuringly at a bleeding victim and say 'You'll be all right, Ma'am', when he knows it isn't so."

"Lord," said the angel, touching his sleeve, "Rest and work on this
tomorrow."
"I can't," said the Lord. "I already have a model that can talk a 250-pound drunk into a patrol car without incident and feed a family of
five on a civil service paycheck."

The angel circled the model of the peace officer very slowly. "Can it
think?" she asked.
"You bet," said the Lord. "It can tell you the elements of a hundred
crimes; recite Miranda warnings in its sleep; detain, investigate, search, and
arrest a gang member on the street in less time than it takes five learned
judges to debate the legality of the stop..and it still keeps its sense of
humor."

"This officer also has phenomenal personal control. He can deal with
crime scenes painted in hell, coax a confession from a child abuser,
comfort a murder victim's family and then read in the daily paper how law enforcement isn't sensitive to the rights of criminal suspects."

Finally, the angel bent over and ran her finger across the cheek of
the peace officer. "There's a leak," she pronounced. "I told you that you
were trying to put too much into this model."

"That's not a leak," said the Lord. "It's a tear."

"What's the tear for?" asked the angel.

"It's for bottled-up emotions, for fallen comrades, for commitment to
that funny piece of cloth called the American flag, for justice."

"You're a genius," said the angel.

The Lord looked somber. "I didn't put it there," He said.

November 23, 2004

"The Thin Blue Line"

There is a line
the color of the sky
on a clear afternoon

There is a line
the hue of the ocean
on a bright sunny day

There is a line
the purest shade of a newborn's eyes
awakening for the first time

There is a line
that protects us from harm
in all we do
whether day or night

There is a line
no one can penetrate
no one can alleviate

There is a line
made of those who choose
to follow a calling many do not hear
and still more do not comprehend

They choose to walk
the path of fear, hate, and mistrust
taken by so few
but marked by so many

And when one leaves this line
they leave a legacy
but the line does not break
for the remaining must still protect

There may be emptiness
a loss, or sadness
but never a hole
not in this line

This line that holds
the ghosts of the souls who have gone
and the souls of the ghosts who will be
The Thin Blue Line

Kimberly A. Erb

Police/Fire Fighter Dispatcher

Copyright 1999
Taken from the website "Police Poems"

November 23, 2004

Homesick
(By Mercy Me)

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times, and at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you.

But the reason why I'm broken the reason why I cry is how long I must wait to be with you.

I close my eyes and I see your face. If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place.

Lord won't you give me strength to make it through somehow, I've never been more home sick than now.

Help me Lord because I don't understand your ways. The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know.

But even if You showed me; the hurt would be the same because I'm still here so far away from home.

In Christ there are no goodbyes, In Christ there is no end.

So I'll hold on to Jesus with all that I have....

To see you again.

November 22, 2004

Here it is quickly approaching the year marker and I know this one thing FOR SURE..my, how things have certainly changed.
I can say that the events that have occurred since your death are not only amazing tales of human spirit, but also enough to write a extremely interesting novel about. So many people, places and things changed, all changed by the events of 12/13.
I can say that 10 mos. ago, I never thought I would be doing what I am doing now. It does not make a difference because the loss is still there, just tucked under a different layer of my heart.
I will continue to hold you close in my heart and mind forever, and I am thinking of how much I miss you tonight.
Love,
J.

November 19, 2004

"When the strength inside you is greater than the pain, you cease being a victim and become a SURVIVOR."

November 9, 2004