Family, Friends & Fellow Officers Remember...

Seems like I am missing you more in the past few days than I ever thought possible. I feel like sometimes what they say about the second year being harder than the first is definitely and unfortunately, true.
I have been having a lot of thoughts about some of the memories that we had together. Some of those memories that I've been having I hadn't had a chance to reflect upon in SO long.
It is that time of year again to register for DMB tix, and I thought about the first time we went to see him together at Deer Creek...and the second time..and then the third time.. :)
Those were definitely the days. We saw some excellent shows there. All of those memories which will forever remain near and dear to my heart.
I will be going to D.C. to honor you again this year and I have plans to meet up with some other women that now unfortuntately walk the same walk as me.
I know you continually smile down on me from Heaven, and I will always let our love live on in my heart.

Missing you and loving you forever..

March 10, 2005

Bryan,
Thinking of you today as I do everyday. I remember what a wonderful friend you were and often look at your picture; still having a hard believing that you are gone. I still remember the phone call I received. I catch myself as I go to pick up the phone to call you to tell you a silly joke or ask for advice. Some people may forget but I never will. You will always be loved and missed greatly. Juli and your family are always in my prayers. Until we meet again VERKLER!

March 8, 2005

Rest assured my friend that you are not being "held onto" through this web page. The reflections are simply that, a glimpse of what life is without you to hang out with.

March 4, 2005

I'M FREE

Anonymous Author



Don't grieve for me, for now I'm free.

I'm following the path God has laid you see.

I took his hand when I heard Him call.

I turned my back and left it all.


I could not stay another day.

To laugh, to love, to work, or play.

Tasks left undone must stay that way,

I found that peace at the close of the day.


If my parting has left a void,

then fill it with remembered joys.

A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss,

oh yes, these things I too will miss.


Be not burdened with times of sorrow,

I wish you the sunshine of tomorrow.

My life's been full, I savored much.

Good friends, good times, a loved one's touch.


Perhaps my time seemed all too brief.

Don't lengthen it now with undue grief.

Lift up your hearts and peace to thee.

God wanted me now: He set me free.

March 3, 2005

Another Year
by Brenda Penepent

Another year has come,
And you, so far away from me now;
But in my heart still.
Forever, I will hold you close.
Each smile, laugh and tear I’ve cried
A testament to your presence.
I will always love you,
No matter what happens.
Your death can not separate us.
I’m right here, loving you as always.
My heart is true and strong.
I will never forget your spirit.
I am no longer afraid.
To live or die is the same for me.
You are with me on this journey.
I raise your light to the heavens, and smile.

March 3, 2005

Bryan,

Rest assured that you will never be "forgotton". We don't write a reflection on a daily basis because we can't deal with the pain it involves on a daily basis. We know that you would want us to lead healthy, productive lives and not dwell in sadness. You wouldn't want us to hold on to you through a webpage. We love you B and you are here with us everyday..down every hallway..in every room..in every chair..and around EVERY corner.
xox

March 3, 2005

Bryan,
I am writing to you today to let you know that you have "not been forgotton". Although life goes on and it "seems" that one gets "wrapped" up in his/her own life it doesn't mean that one "forgets". I, personally, find myself looking at this website almost on a daily basis. I look at your picture and still ponder the fact that you are really gone. Then I look again at your picture and try to remember all the "good times" and "good laughs" that we had growing up. Anyway, I just wanted to take time today to let you know that although I don't write as often as maybe I should,to be honest it is mainly that I am at a loss for words, you have not been forgotton and you are thought of often.

cousin

March 2, 2005

WHAT IS A COP?

Cops are human ( believe it or not) just like the rest of us. They come in both sexes but mostly male. They also come in various sizes. This sometimes depends on whether you are looking for one or trying to hide something. However, they are mostly big.

Cops are found everywhere-on land, on the sea, in the air, on horses, in cars, sometimes in your hair. In spite of the fact that " you can't find one when you want one", they are usually there when it counts most. The best way to get one is to pick up the phone.

Cops deliver lectures, babies, and bad news. They are required to have the wisdom of solomon, the disposition of a lamb and muscles of steel and are often accused of having a heart to match. He's the one who rings the door-bell, swallows hard and announces the passing of a loved one; then spends the rest of the day wondering why he ever took such a "crummy" job.

On TV, a cop is an oaf who couldn't find a bull fiddle in a telephone booth. In real life he's expected to find a little blond boy " about so high" in a crowd of a half million people. In fiction, he gets help from private eyes, reporters, and who-dun-it fans." In real life, mostly all he gets from the public is " I didn't see nuttin'."

When he serves a summons, he's a monster. If he lets you go, he's a doll. To little kids, he's either a friend or a bogeyman, depending on how the parents feel about it. He works " around the clock", split shifts, Sundays and holidays, and it always kills him when a joker says. " Hey tomorrow is Election Day, I'm off, let's go fishing" ( that's the day he works 20 hours).

A cop is like the little girl, who, when she was good, was very, very good, but, when she was bad, was horrid. When a cop is good, " he's getting paid for it." When he makes a mistake, " he's a grafter, and that goes for the rest of them too." When he shoots a stick-up man he's a hero, except when the stick-up man is " only a kid, anybody coulda seen that."

Lots of them have homes, some of them covered with ivy, but most of them covered with mortgages. If he drives a big car, he's a chiseler; a little car, "who's he kidding?" His credit is good; this is very helpful, because his salary isn't. Cops raise lots of kids; most of them belong to other people.

A cop sees more misery, bloodshed, trouble, and sunrises than the average person. Like the postman, cops must also be out in all kinds of weather. His uniform changes with the climate, but his outlook on life remains about the same: mostly a blank, but hoping for a better world.

Cops like days off, vacations, and coffee. They don't like auto horns, family fights, and anonymous letter writers. They have unions, but they can't strike. They must be impartial, courteous, and always remember the slogan " At your service." This is sometimes hard, especially when a character reminds him, " I'm a taxpayer, I pay your salary."

Cops get medals for saving lives, stopping runaway horses, and shooting it out with the bandits ( once in a while his widow gets the medal). But sometimes, the most rewarding moment comes when, after some small kindness to an older person, he feels the warm hand clasp, looks into grateful eyes and hears, " Thank you and God bless you, son."

March 1, 2005

BSV,
I wrote this poem today because you still inspire me. It is so blatantly obvious to me that so many others have forgotton, even though they all "vowed" to "NEVER FORGET".
So many people get so wrapped up in their own lives, and in my heart I knew that it was only a matter of time before they would forget.
The most important fact is that I have learned that NONE of that matters because my love for you continues to grow even though that physically you have left this Earth almost 15 months ago. What matters is that we took vows and promised to spend the rest of our lives with each other. Little did we know what was in store for us or how short that our time together would truly be. No one knew. But we knew that we made a promise to remain committed to our love and relationship until death did we part. Death did come and take you away, but I am learning everyday that you are really never very far. I look down and feel you inside of my heart and soul, and then I KNOW.
I wrote this poem for you today. Thank you for the butterflies today. I will always love you and I often think of you fly-fishing on Heaven's beautiful waters with vibrant colored BIG fish. Somehow I know that that is what you are doing...that and of course I know you are watching out for me down here....
You were right, and I know that you are still watching over me and protecting me and that every promise that you ever made to me will always hold true.

Just When I Thought
By JLV

Just when I thought that the world was falling down around me again,
I get a note from a friend telling me that I DO have an impact, that what I do DOES make a difference.
That my support DOES mean something to another survivor, and that perhaps I am not completely alone in my day to day struggles without you in my life.
It never ceases to amaze me how you still know...
Every place that I go,
Every choice that I make,
Every tear that I cry,
Every night that I reach for you and you aren't there,
Every time that I need a day to myself to reflect on what our lives were together...
You send me beautiful days filled with your love and sunshine high above my head,
Reminding me,
That you are here,
That you never left my side, not even for one moment.
That Your Spirit resides within me and you continually show me the way.
But just when I thought that you left me alone on this Earth, you send me a sign...
A sign that only I see, a secret still shared between us in day to to day living,
I know you are still here baby, living through me at times.
Just when I thought that I have to reach out for your hand because it had strayed too far,
You remind me,
You are within me and you still ensure that every need I have is met.
Just when I thought you are so far away, and that the distance from Heaven to Earth is immeasureable,
You remind me,
That my time left on this Earth really ISN'T that long, and that when it is my time, someday we will spend an Eternity sharing what we never got to share on Earth.
Just when I thought that boundaries are limitations, you show me that boundaries are only what you make of them.
Just when I thought that love couldn't transcend death, you show me,
That IT DOES.
Friendships change, people will come and go,
but even after your death I feel my love for you as it continues to grow.

I Love You Baby Now and Forever

March 1, 2005

In My Heart Forever
Author Cynthia Taylor


The time has come for me to release you
Free to fly high above this world.
Where the flowers forever bloom &
The ultimate love fills the space.

In my attempt to try to keep you
I've only been able to hold the anger
Not realizing that I have to let you go
I can't hold on.

I'll no more keep your pain alive,
I won't try to hold you down.
I'll let you fly on to higher ground.

My grief has left a numbness,
as if this isn't real
You are in my heart forever,
but I know I have to let you free.

Soar high.
Laugh as a child that feels the joy of the moment.
Play among the rivers flowing through the hills.
Roam the fields of daisies.
Fly to the top of the mountains.

With closed eyes, I see you among the flowers,
High above the clouds.

Your presence blows through me with the breeze.
Your smile beams down on through the sun.
The full moon brings the light of your laughter to my mind.


And the Butterfly in all its splendor reminds me
of your beauty and freedom now.
Leaving your love for me lingering in my world.

February 23, 2005

Bryan,
Well, I talked to Reppert this morning, and we're starting to plan our trip to Milwaukee for the Cubs game. Can't believe we're planning the trip for the second time without you. It seems strange how such a tragic event can change your relationships with people. People I was close with before, now seem so distant. Why is that? You would think it would bring everyone closer. Everyone seeming to think they know what the story is about this and that, when most are just in it for themselves. Was talking to someone today and brought your name up, and they said "Bryan, who's that?" That really hit home. Just the thought that he, or anyone else, will never get the chance to meet you. Seems so strange. I just wanted you to know that I think of you often. Often I'll sit with some new officers and tell a few "Big Verk" stories, and everyone gets a good laugh. It's fun, but it still bothers me talking of you in the past tense. I still sit in the same booth at breakfast, waiting to see you walk past the glass in that tight shirt (you know I had to get one in), throwing up the peace sign. Remember Bryan, although some people are beginning to forget, I never will. About a month ago, Casidy asked me if she could take a stack of your pictures and hand them out to her friends at school. The class had a discussion about you and what happened. They then said a prayer for you. I know you heard it. I was going through her school bag a few days ago and saw she has a picture of you taped in the back of her binder. She didn't ask me if she could, she did it on her own. She didn't know you well, but I often tell her stories of when you used to come over and tease her about "Elmo". She really wished she had a chance to know you now. It's so hard to explain to her that you were killed doing the same thing that I do every night. I make a point to hug her and tell her I love her every night before I leave. You were like a Brother to me Bryan, please continue to watch over me. You would be proud of Juli, she's come a long way. They say time heals all wounds. Thats a load of bull. Whoever said that has not gone through what she has. Time does not heal anything. But I have a feeling that one day she is going to do some things that are going to make you and I proud. I think she's going to make a difference. When I read her e-mails, and speak to her, thats the feeling I get. I'm going to do my best to make sure no one ever forgets you, and the person you were. Someday we'll meet again, I have no doubt about that. Until then my friend........

Cpl. Shawn Albright
St. Joseph County Police Department

February 12, 2005

Juli, I had read a reflection you had left on another widows webpage that I have gotten close to after our tragedies brought us common ground. Unfortunately, I just passed the one year anniversary of my husbands death in the line of duty, New Jersey State Trooper Bert Zimmerman. Bert and I were only married 5 months and did not have the chance to have any children. I would love to meet you, hopefully in Washington this year. If you would like, please contact the website and ask for my email address to get in touch with me. I'd love to talk to you.

Denise

Denise Zimmerman
Surviving Spouse of NJ State Trooper Bert Zimmerman 02-05-04

February 11, 2005

Juli,

As my mom would put it "Duke has the upper hand over you now Jenn". I believe the same is true with you and Bryan. Our husbands will guide us through life and will always stand behind us giving us the strength to move forward. Although we are alone in our own sorrow (and it is torture), please remember the bigger picture. We are truly not alone. As hard as it is to do, we must continue to live our lives everyday not only for our ownselves, but it is only fair that we must also let our husbands live through us. We are their voices now.

I will be in Washington and I can't wait to meet you. I have been in contact with some other wives that I think you would connect with too. Also, thank you so much for the beautiful reflection you left for Duke and I. You hang in there and stay strong.

Truly,
Jenn

Jennifer R. Aaron
Wife of Ofc. Duke G. Aaron, III (EOW 07/20/04)

February 10, 2005

B.,
I am thinking of you now and forever. Neither time, nor people coming and going, nor the changing ebb and flow of the tide will ever change my love for you. I still dream of when we can be reunited and I feel your hand in my choices that I make everyday. I feel your guidance so strongly and I know that you still remain forever my love of my life, my husband, my protector and best friend. Thank you for giving me some semblance of a life since you've been gone.
Love You,
JV

February 1, 2005

See You On The Other Side

[Lyrics and Music by O. Osbourne - L. Kilmister - Z. Wylde]

Voices, A Thousand, Thousand Voices
Whispering, The Time Has Passed For Choices
Golden Days Are Passing Over, Yeah

I Can't Seem To See You Baby
Although My Eyes Are Open Wide
But I Know I'll See You Once More

When I See You, I'll See You On The Other Side
Yes, I'll See You, I'll See You On The Other Side

Leaving, I Hate To See You Cry
Grieving, I Hate To Say Goodbye
Dust And Ash Forever, Yeah

Though I Know We Must Be Parted
As Sure As Stars Are In The Sky
I'm Gonna See You When It Comes To Glory

And I'll See You, I'll See You On The Other Side
Yes, I'll See You, I'll See You On The Other Side

Never Thought I'd Feel Like This
Strange To Be Alone, Yeah
But We'll Be Together
Carved In Stone, Carved In Stone, Carved In Stone

Hold Me, Hold Me Tight I'm Falling
Far Away, Distant Voices Calling
I'm So Cold, I Need You Darling, Yeah

I Was Down, But Now I'm Flying
Straight Across The Great Divide
I Know You're Crying, But I'll Stop You Crying

When I See You I See You On The Other Side
Yes, I'll See You, See You On The Other Side
I'm Gonna See You, See You On The Other Side
God Knows I'll See You, See You On The Other Side, Yeah

I'll See You, See You On The Other Side
I'm Gonna See You, See You On The Other Side
God Knows I'll See You, See You On The Other Side, Yeah
I Wanna See You, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, See You On The Other Side
God Knows I'll See You, See You On The Other Side

January 18, 2005

Time marches on and painful memories fade,
From time to time, it seems I lose my way.
I miss your smile, your love and definitely your big grin,
I miss the way you loved me, and the dimple on your chin.

Days like these I know you send the sun filled with so much love,
Shining down on me in Cali, sent from you, from high above.
My love for you will never change, though time continues to move on so fast,
I want you to know I mourn for what we had, and that your memories with me will forever last.

Miss U B!
J.

January 18, 2005

Blood Upon The Shield
Confrontation in an alley.
The Centurion does not yield.
But this time the good guy loses;
There is blood upon the shield.

And the mournful sounds of bagpipes
play out across the land,
Drowned out by the sobs of a lonely young wife,
as she will never understand.

While the killer pleads his case in court,
The thin blue line is one man short.
And we're one step closer to society's fall;
Another cop's name is engraved on the wall.

Another state funeral, with an army in blue,
And we know it could've been me and it could've been you.
We all look ahead to what the future has in store,
Front line troopers in a country that's at war.

At war with itself and at war with its cops and we're
out there every day 'cause the battle never stops.
It's not the way it is on TV shows or like we learned in school;
No cool music in the background,
no playing by the "rules";

We're disillusioned warriors,
But for right we'll always strive.
We just pray that at the end of our stress-filled day
We'll get back home alive.

You stand out on the corner
Ignoring the insults and the stares,
Close to the point of believing that no one really cares,
When a six year-old boy walks over after watching you for awhile,
Reaching out to shake your hand,
on his face a friendly smile.

To him you are a hero,
a protector of our land,
And he wants to learn about you,
As a cop and as a man.

And when he asks you why your badge is covered by a black elastic band,
Tell him about our Brother Bryan
A cop who made a stand.

-Author Unknown

WE MISS YOU BIG VERK
MISHAWAKA PD

January 7, 2005

Still missing you on your day, your birthday. Your Mom and Juli are both remarkable people, Bryan. I think of everyday, they will always remain in my thoughts and prayers.
You are greatly missed!

-CJCP

January 7, 2005

"Blood Upon the Shield"

Blood Upon The Shield

Confrontation in an alley.
The Centurion does not yield.
But this time the good guy loses;
there is blood upon the shield.

And the mournful sounds of bagpipes
play out across the land,
drowned out by the sobs of a lonely young wife and a life she no longer understands.

While the killer pleads his case in court,
the thin blue line is one man short.
And we're one step closer to society's fall;
another cop's name is engraved on the wall.

Another state funeral, with an army in blue,
and we know it could've been me and it could've been you.
We all look ahead to what the future has in store,
front line troopers in a country that's at war.

At war with itself and at war with its cops and we're
out there every day 'cause the battle never stops.
It's not the way it is on TV shows or like
we learned in school; no cool music in the background,
no playing by the "rules";

We're disillusioned warriors,
but for right we'll always strive.
We just pray that at the end of our stress-filled day
we'll get back home alive.

You stand out on the corner
ignoring the insults and the stares,
close to the point of believing that no one really cares,
when a six year-old boy walks over after watching
you for awhile, reaching out to shake your hand,
on his face a friendly smile.

To him you are a hero,
a protector of our land, and he wants
to learn about you,
as a cop and as a man.

And when he asks you why your badge is covered
by a black elastic band,
tell him about our Brother
A cop who made a stand.

Author Unknown

January 7, 2005

"Police Officer's 23rd Psalm"

The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want, His comforting hand reduces fear to naught;
He makes me walk through streets of crime, But He gives me courage and peace of mind.
He leads me by still waters in the path I trod, And He says in Romans I'm a "minister of God,"
He leads me in righteousness as He restores my soul, For His name's sake He keeps me whole.

When I walk through death's valley, right up to the door,
I will fear no evil, for He comforts me more;
For Thou art with me every step of the way, As thy rod and thy staff protect me each day.

He prepares a table, especially for me, As I work daily among life's enemies; He gives me authority to uphold the law,
And He anoints my position in the midst of it all.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me,
Each day of my life through eternity; As I long to hear Him say, "Well done...,"
When I lay down my life, my badge, and my gun.



(Author Unknown)

Missing You Big Verk,
Mishawaka PD

January 7, 2005

FOR THOSE THAT WILL NEVER KNOW THE BONDS BETWEEN A HUSBAND AND HIS WIFE,
PLEASE KNOW THAT YOU WILL NEVER KNOW,
AND GO ON WITH YOUR "SO-CALLED LIFE"

A FRIEND

January 7, 2005

You took the call on 12/13, never knowing it would be your last,
A crazed man with a vendetta for cops, waited on the other side.
You knocked on the door, he came out shooting, and you tried to tackle him fast.
You warned other officers' of what was inside and then in the alley you collapsed.

Your wife made the worst "call" of her life, dispatch made her worst fears known.
You came in on the stretcher, no visible signs of life,
The next thing I remember was them telling me you had died, and that I was going home alone.

One year has passed, and on your birthday, we all try to think of the good times,
It is still so difficult to recollect what life was like when you were here.
Nothing has stayed the same, and there have been so many mountains to climb.
There have been more challenges than anyone could explain, so much and so many fears.

So, on your 29th, it is hard to wonder, why isn't he here to celebrate?
But life took some strange twists and turns that night, and you are with us no more.
How ironic it is that a criminal with a gun was the one to dictate,
That you are no longer able to be on this Earth, and no longer can my heart soar.

January 6, 2005

Honey,
I don't know how to explain the black cloud that came over me a few days ago, but it did. Your birthday was fast approaching, and as I worked last night and I wrote 1/6/05, I was acutely aware of the rationale of where the black cloud came from.
Today would have been your 29th birthday, and I am forced to wonder, "What would we have been doing?" "What milestones would we have reached together as husband and wife?" "Would we be beginning our family together?" "Would we be selling our first home, and looking for a bigger home?", and "How much would our love for one another have grown in our first year and a half of marriage?"
Again, worthless questions to ask. They cannot and will not be answered in this lifetime.
Questions that will never be answered.
So, instead, I raise my eyes forward, gather my courage and begin my walk in this world ALONE. This time I walk without you, without your love, encouragement, faith hope and advice.
Life down here is definitely not so much fun without you. For me, you made the world make sense and we certainly had our share of inside jokes that made me laugh so hard. When you were alive, the world made SO MUCH sense. For the longest time, I wasn't even sure that I could carry on without you. But somehow, with your strength, you helped me out of the abyss and day by day I gained strength to do what was right for me.
Still, there are times I often talk to you, and I know you can still see me and hear me. You are still so proud of your wife and I do feel that pride down here on Earth.
As you soar the Heavens tonight on your birthday, I am sending you a kiss and much love to you, my sweetheart.
You will always be my "gladiator", and my knight in shining armor.
I miss you so very much that I KNOW you can feel my love for you, even up there.

I Love You,

Your Wife

January 6, 2005

Still missing you on this day, your birthday. May God continue to comfort your family and friends. Your mom is a remarkable person, Bryan. My heart aches for her today and everyday....

friend

January 6, 2005

Tomorrow, your birthday, yet another difficult day for your family.

29 years ago must have been such a joyous day for Randy and Carolyn... a baby boy named Bryan was born. I could never imagine losing a child. Motherly love is so unexplainable. The heartache Carolyn must be carrying with her today and everyday.... losing a son, yet her other son, and husband, continue to walk the thin blue line.

I'm sure your family treasures past memories spent with you. I'm sure these memories are quite vivid, especially on a day like your birthday. Remembering past celebrations and special meals shared with you on your birthday.

Bryan... you are truly missed.

January 5, 2005