Family, Friends & Fellow Officers Remember...

BSV~
Yesterday I bought a book that I know you want me to read. I am going to attempt to read it with an open mind, as it is sensitive material since you've been gone from my life.
I am trying so hard everyday to be thankful for your love and the time that I had it. Then, it dawned on me. You still love me and you always will love me. That is the magical part of love, that it is Eternal. Nothing that ANYONE says, does, thinks, or verbalizes can change our love, or take the love that you have, away from me. NO ONE. That is the greatest revelation that I have today, and I am thankful for it. Everytime I look at the clock and it says 13, I know that you are in Heaven, thinking of me. I am so glad that Jess and I have our little "signals", otherwise life down here would be so much more difficult than what it already is. I have been having a lot of memories of things that I haven't thought about since we did them and it is great. I know that is another gift from you and I am so thankful for it. I watched the video we made when you fly fishing on our honeymoon and I love to hear your voice. It does not seem possible that you have been gone over a year and a half now. I am so glad you bought that camera right before we got married.
Thank you for helping me every step of the way.

I Love You
Jules

June 28, 2005

Honey~
Thinking of you and missing you, today, forever and ALWAYS.
Wish me luck tomorrow, big day :):)

I Love You
Your Wife

June 22, 2005

"American Baby"

If these walls came crumblin' down
Fell so hard, to make us lose our faith
From what's left you'd figure it out
Still make lemonade taste like a sunny day

Stay, beautiful baby
I hope you
Stay, American baby
American baby

Nobody's laughing now
God's grace lost and the devil is proud
But I've been walking for a thousand miles
One last time, I could see you smile

I (I) hold (hold) on (on) to you
You bring me hope, I'll see you soon
And if I don't see you
I'm afraid we've lost the way

Stay, beautiful baby
I hope you
Stay, American baby
American baby

I (I) hold (hold) on (on) to you
You lift me up and always will
I see you in life
Hope I don't get left behind

I (I) hold (hold) on (on) to you
You bring me hope, I'll see you soon
And if I don't see you
I'm afraid we've lost the way

Stay, beautiful baby
I hope you
Stay, American baby
I hope you
Stay, beautiful baby
I hope you
Stay, American baby
American baby
Nobody's laughing now
But you could always make me laugh out loud


[ www.azlyrics.com ]

June 16, 2005

B~
First and foremost, I Love You. There will always be an inpenetrable veil of love between us, even as you walk in Heaven. Your Spirit will always live on in my heart, my mind, and my Spirit.
Today was the day, a year and a half ago when I came home from the hospital to our home, and I began living the first day without you in my life. If only I knew then what I know now.. So many things have changed. I have made a lot of decisions, both personally and professionally. I really feel like you have helped me make a lot of those decisions. 18 months ago, if you asked me where I would be, I doubt I would have said where I am now.
There will continue to be days of sorrow and sadness; such as days like today, but at least some healing has begun since I moved.
Yesterday someone was grilling out, and the smell of cheeseburgers really made me think about all the times that we grilled out together. You were so awesome at grilling and cooking :) The great memories that I have are what keep me strong.
I leave you a reflection today full of love, sunshine, hugs and BIG KISSES. May you have a beautiful Heaven's day today.

I Love You
Your Wife

June 13, 2005

"Mourning is not forgetting... It is an undoing. Every minute tie has to be untied and something permanent and valuable recovered and assimilated from the dust."

~Margery Allingham

June 12, 2005

WHAT IS A COP?

Cops are human ( believe it or not) just like the rest of us. They come in both sexes but mostly male. They also come in various sizes. This sometimes depends on whether you are looking for one or trying to hide something. However, they are mostly big.

Cops are found everywhere-on land, on the sea, in the air, on horses, in cars, sometimes in your hair. In spite of the fact that " you can't find one when you want one", they are usually there when it counts most. The best way to get one is to pick up the phone.

Cops deliver lectures, babies, and bad news. They are required to have the wisdom of solomon, the disposition of a lamb and muscles of steel and are often accused of having a heart to match. He's the one who rings the door-bell, swallows hard and announces the passing of a loved one; then spends the rest of the day wondering why he ever took such a "crummy" job.

On TV, a cop is an oaf who couldn't find a bull fiddle in a telephone booth. In real life he's expected to find a little blond boy " about so high" in a crowd of a half million people. In fiction, he gets help from private eyes, reporters, and who-dun-it fans." In real life, mostly all he gets from the public is " I didn't see nuttin'."

When he serves a summons, he's a monster. If he lets you go, he's a doll. To little kids, he's either a friend or a bogeyman, depending on how the parents feel about it. He works " around the clock", split shifts, Sundays and holidays, and it always kills him when a joker says. " Hey tomorrow is Election Day, I'm off, let's go fishing" ( that's the day he works 20 hours).

A cop is like the little girl, who, when she was good, was very, very good, but, when she was bad, was horrid. When a cop is good, " he's getting paid for it." When he makes a mistake, " he's a grafter, and that goes for the rest of them too." When he shoots a stick-up man he's a hero, except when the stick-up man is " only a kid, anybody coulda seen that."

Lots of them have homes, some of them covered with ivy, but most of them covered with mortgages. If he drives a big car, he's a chiseler; a little car, "who's he kidding?" His credit is good; this is very helpful, because his salary isn't. Cops raise lots of kids; most of them belong to other people.

A cop sees more misery, bloodshed, trouble, and sunrises than the average person. Like the postman, cops must also be out in all kinds of weather. His uniform changes with the climate, but his outlook on life remains about the same: mostly a blank, but hoping for a better world.

Cops like days off, vacations, and coffee. They don't like auto horns, family fights, and anonymous letter writers. They have unions, but they can't strike. They must be impartial, courteous, and always remember the slogan " At your service." This is sometimes hard, especially when a character reminds him, " I'm a taxpayer, I pay your salary."

Cops get medals for saving lives, stopping runaway horses, and shooting it out with the bandits ( once in a while his widow gets the medal). But sometimes, the most rewarding moment comes when, after some small kindness to an older person, he feels the warm hand clasp, looks into grateful eyes and hears, " Thank you and God bless you, son."

June 12, 2005

B,
This weekend, you gave me the strength to do something that I hadn't done since before you died. I didn't think it was "that big of a deal" at the time, but now, after succeeding in it, I am certain it was You who helped me do it. You showed me something very significant. Thank you for helping me reach new goals and achievements, even in Heaven. I know that you are with me every step of the way, and I thank you for that.
I Love You My Guardian Angel...

Your Wife
J.

June 6, 2005

"Not A Day Goes By"

Got a picture of you I carry in my heart
Close my eyes to see it when the world gets dark
Got a memory of you I carry in my soul
I wrap it close around me when the nights get cold
If you asked me how I'm doin' I'd say just fine
But the truth is baby, if you could read my mind

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you
After all this time you're still with me it's true
Somehow you remain locked so deep inside
Baby, baby, oh baby, not a day goes by

I still wait for the phone in the middle of the night
Thinkin' you might call me if your dreams don't turn out right
And it still amazes me that I lie here in the dark
Wishin' you were next to me, your head against my heart
If you asked me how I'm doing I'd say just fine
But the truth is baby, if you could read my mind

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you
After all this time you're still with me it's true
Somehow you remain locked so deep inside
Baby, baby, oh baby, not a day goes by

Minutes turn to hours, and the hours to days
Seems it's been forever that I've felt this way

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you
After all this time you're still with me it's true
Somehow you remain locked so deep inside
Baby, baby, oh baby, not a day goes by

Words,Lyrics and Music Copyrighted by Lonestar

June 6, 2005

Bryan,
Just wanted you to know that you and your family have been in my thoughts and prayers. Always, Christine

Christine

June 6, 2005

Baby,
I know you helped my Mom run every step of the 26.2 miles for the San Diego Rock and Roll Marathon today!!
Thank you! :)
She ran the race in loving memory of you, and I know you kept her safe from injury.
Thank you for keeping her safe under your angel wings.
I Love You

Your Loving Wife
Now and Forever

June 5, 2005

Bryan,
Thanks for the little messages you were sending Jules to send my way...you know what i'm talking about! ;P Please take care of her Bryan...i know you are not physically here but please help her to know that are always with her no matter what. she is such an amazing woman...there is no question of why you chose to spend the rest of your life with her. i wish i could have met you in person, but i love hearing the stories about you! i will meet you someday!

all my love,
jessi
cole martin's fiancee

May 31, 2005

Juli,
Just wanted to let you know that I have been thinking a lot about you lately. I wish that I could have been to D.C. to meet you in person. Just wanted you to know that you are still in my prayers everyday as we continue to struggle through life without our other half. I know that Bryan and Jon are probably best of friends, they seem very similar. Just know that I am always here if ever there is something I could do.

Lots of hugs,
Tristen

Tristen
girlfriend of Jonathan E. Walsh EOW 8/20/04

May 28, 2005

Juli, Randy, Carolyn, & Brett

LETTER FROM HEAVEN

To my dearest family,
Some things I'd like to say.
But first of all, to let you know,
that I arrived okay.

I'm writing this from heaven.
Here I dwell with God above.
Here, there's no more tears of sadness;
Here is just eternal love.

Please do not be unhappy,
just because I'm out of sight.
Remember that I am with you,
every morning, noon and night.

That day I had to leave you
when my life on earth was through,
God picked me up and hugged me
and He said, "I welcome you.

It's good to have you back again,
you were missed while you were gone.
As for your dearest family,
They'll be here later on.

There's so much that we have to do,
to help our mortal man."
God gave me a list of things,
that he wished for me to do.
And foremost on the list,
was to watch and care for you.

And when you lie in bed at night
the day's chores put to flight.
God and I are closest to you....
in the middle of the night.

When you think of my life on earth,
and all those loving years.
Because you are only human,
they are bound to bring you tears.

But do not be afraid to cry:
it does relieve the pain.
Remember there would be no flowers,
unless there was some rain.

I wish that I could tell you,
all that God has planned.
If I were to tell you,
you wouldn't understand.

But one thing is for certain,
though my life on earth is over.
I'm closer to you now,
than I ever was before.

There are many rocky roads ahead of you
and many hills to climb:
But together we can do it
by taking one day at a time.

It was always my philosophy
and I'd like it for you too;
That as you give unto the world,
the world will give to you.

If you can help somebody
who's in sorrow and pain;
Then you can say to God at night.....
"My day was not in vain."

And now I am contented....
that my life was worthwhile.
Knowing as I passed along the way
I made somebody smile.

So if you meet somebody
who is sad and feeling low;
Just lend a hand to pick him up,
as on your way you go.

When you're walking down the street
and you've got Me on your mind;
I'm walking in your footsteps
only half a step behind.

And when it's time for you to go....
from that body to be free,
Remember you're not going...
you are coming here to me.

~~Author Unknown~~

May 28, 2005

"A Thousand Miles"

Making my way downtown
Walking fast
Faces pass
And I'm home bound

Staring blankly ahead
Just making my way
Making a way
Through the crowd

And I need you
And I miss you
And now I wonder....

If I could fall
Into the sky
Do you think time
Would pass me by
'Cause you know I'd walk
A thousand miles
If I could
Just see you
Tonight

It's always times like these
When I think of you
And I wonder
If you ever
Think of me

'Cause everything's so wrong
And I don't belong
Living in your
Precious memories

'Cause I need you
And I miss you
And now I wonder....

If I could fall
Into the sky
Do you think time
Would pass me by
'Cause you know I'd walk
A thousand miles
If I could
Just see you
Tonight

And I, I
Don't want to let you know
I, I
Drown in your memory
I, I
Don't want to let this go
I, I
Don't....

Making my way downtown
Walking fast
Faces pass
And I'm home bound

Staring blankly ahead
Just making my way
Making a way
Through the crowd

And I still need you
And I still miss you
And now I wonder....

If I could fall
Into the sky
Do you think time
Would pass us by
'Cause you know I'd walk
A thousand miles
If I could
Just see you...

If I could fall
Into the sky
Do you think time
Would pass me by
'Cause you know I'd walk
A thousand miles
If I could
Just see you
If I could
Just hold you
Tonight

Music and Lyrics Copyrighted by Vanessa Carlton

May 27, 2005

Bryan- Keep your strong, protective arms around precious Juli. She needs you more than ever.

I Love ya Jules. I am here for you always.

-Jessica
Daniel Starks Fiancee

May 26, 2005

"What Does Police Widow Mean?"
Written by Juli Verkler

It means that the love of my life is no longer alive.
It means that my husband has died.
It means that myheart has shattered into a million tiny pieces,
Irreparable by time, counseling or grief therapy.

It means I stand in my grief, crying at The Wall, the one that now becomes the only "home" we share.
It means I no longer kiss his lips or hold his hand.
It means I go to bed every night longing for things I can never have again.
It means my life was changed completely in a half a second, when a coward pulled the trigger.
It means that I am, and forever will be in love with a six foot six, two hundred and seventy two Angel, whose Spirit now watches over me and protects me from harm.
It means that instead of starting Our Family, I am resolved to putting photos of him in my scrapbook.
It means that instead of being called "WIFE", I am now referred to as "police widow."

I Love You BSV,

May 25, 2005

To My Husband, My Hero~

I am finishing the scrapbooks that I started a long time ago. It is very gut-wrenching to relive some of those photos. Some of the things I see now I didn't even really remember. The grief "haze" has a way of clouding your vision. I know that it shouldn't have happened, but the facts remain. These are facts full of sorrow, that stay with me for the rest of my life. I life I now live alone. Alone, without your love and support. People used to say there will be a "new" normal, but to me, life without you will never be normal. This wasn't supposed to be Our Fate. But now, living life as a "widow" is now reality.
I am so saddened today by the fact that I want my life back with you. I know in my mind that I can never have it, no matter what I do.
My heart is aching for you so badly,
I miss you honey.
I will always miss you; today, tomorrow and forever.
Until we meet again my Sweet Love....

Your Wife
J.

May 23, 2005

Written with a pen
Sealed with a kiss.
I'm here for you.
And if I die before you do,
I'll go to Heaven and wait for you.
-Paul Harvey

May 22, 2005

Written with a pen
Sealed with a kiss.
I'm here for you.
And if I die before you do,
I'll go to Heaven and wait for you.
-Paul Harvey

May 22, 2005

juli,
thank you soooo much for your thought and prayers. i wish i could have spent more time with you also. your bryan sounds absolutly fabulous. i will never forget when i saw you at the wall on sunday during police week. we were walking by and i looked over and there you were hiding those tears behind your sunglasses. my heart broke for you. i am sorry i did not know what to say to you. i want you to know that i am always here for you. you can get my email or phone # from either jess. please keep in touch with me ok. i will keep you in my heart.
love kirsten
p.o. nick sloan
eow 1/30/04

May 22, 2005

Bryan -

Yet again your Jules amazed me in DC! You must be so proud of her! The collage she left at the wall was so great and she was so strong for both the GA and FL Jess that it was great. She always knows just the right thing to say and how to make me smile and laugh even when I dont feel like it. I will never forget standing on the corner in DC and all three of us CRYING our eyes out at hearing bagpipes play amazing grace. I know that you, Dan, and Cole were right with us the whole time. Take care of Jules and stay with her. She needs you.

Thank you for allowing me to meet Jules, her mom, and brother. They are awsome.

Love you Jules!
The FL Jess

PS..MUSKRAT SIGHTING!! :)

May 19, 2005

Juli,
I'm so glad I had the chance to meet you this year in Washington. You are superb! I enjoyed our talks and some things you talked about have really stuck with me and have let me rest at ease a bit more. I won't go into detail here, but just know that I thank you.

You have my number. Call anytime. I mean it.
Love, Jennifer Waters

Jennifer Waters
Wife of Mike Waters, West Memphis PD, EOW 9-11-03

May 19, 2005

"To Where You Are"
Music and Lyrics Copyrighted By Josh Groban

Who can say for certain
Maybe you're still here
I feel you all around me
Your memory's so clear

Deep in the stillness
I can hear you speak
You're still an inspiration
Can it be
That you are my
Forever love
And you are watching over me from up above

Fly me up to where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile to know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are

Are you gently sleeping
Here inside my dream
And isn't faith believing
All power can't be seen

As my heart holds you
Just one beat away
I cherish all you gave me everyday
'Cause you are my
Forever love
Watching me from up above

And I believe
That angels breathe
And that love will live on and never leave

Fly me up
To where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile
To know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are

I know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are

May 17, 2005

BSV,
Happy 2nd Wedding Anniversary!!!!!
I cannot believe that I am forced to spend yet another wedding anniversary without you. I cannot nor will I EVER understand. I keep in mind that someday when you and I are reunited forever, I will finally have all of my questions answered.
For now, days like today continue to be so horribly painful and full of torture. Another reminder that our days together on Earth are no more.
In one half of a second our lives were forever changed by someone with no regard whatsoever for human life, love or happiness. Now, I am faced with many days like today, alone. I am no longer able to hold your hand, kiss your lips or feel your arms wrapped around me as I fall asleep at night.
Today, instead of celebrating another milestone of our love and happiness, I am faced with remembering all the past days of lonliness and all the future ones to come.
I will never forget Our Wedding Day, as it was one of our happiest days of our lives. It was the beginning of what was supposed to be many years of great love and happiness.
I will always love you and miss you more than I could ever express in a mere reflection.
I know you still see me, and you know my heart.
I LOVE YOU NOW AND FOREVER.

Your Wife
J.

May 17, 2005

Bryan,

I met your wonderful wife and in some ways have "met" you as well. Thank you so much for sending her our direction. She loves you and misses you dearly, and while she tries to be strong there is an ache in her heart that I know won't go away. It was so amazing to hear stories about you and your life together with Jules. In a weird sort of way, you remind me of Cole. For that, I am very thankful. I bet you two big guys have met and probably ganged up with Daniel to send that horrible thunderstorm on us girls! While it was terriby heart-wrenching at some points to listen to Jules cry for you, I could feel her pain and I know that the 3 J girls rode the yellow line to Huntington together for a reason ("Doors closing") ;P

Juli, it was truly amazing to meet you in D.C. I know Bryan is so proud of you and everything you are doing in life since had to leave so suddenly and so tragically. Just know that you are such an inspiration to me in a way that no one else has been. Stay strong - I know you're short, but you've got all 6 feet, 6 inches of Bryan's strength inside.

Love you and miss our metro rides already....

the GA jess

P.S. me and the FL jess had innumerable muskrat sightings in your absence. ;P

Jessi Garger
Fiancee of Cole Martin EOW 4.25.03

May 16, 2005