Family, Friends & Fellow Officers Remember...

Cry Out To Jesus
Words by Mac Powell / Music by Third Day
To everyone who's lost someone they love
Long before it was their time
You feel like the days you had were not enough
when you said goodbye

And to all of the people with burdens and pains
Keeping you back from your life
You believe that there's nothing and there is no one
Who can make it right

There is hope for the helpless
Rest for the weary
Love for the broken heart
There is grace and forgiveness
Mercy and healing
He'll meet you wherever you are
Cry out to Jesus, Cry out to Jesus

For the marriage that's struggling just to hang on
They lost all of their faith in love
They've done all they can to make it right again
Still it's not enough

For the ones who can't break the addictions and chains
You try to give up but you come back again
Just remember that you're not alone in your shame
And your suffering

When your lonely
And it feels like the whole world is falling on you
You just reach out, you just cry out to Jesus
Cry to Jesus

To the widow who struggles with being alone
Wiping the tears from her eyes
For the children around the world without a home
Say a prayer tonight

**THINKING OF YOU SO VERY OFTEN BRYAN**
**WE LOVE AND MISS YOU**

October 29, 2005

And I believe that angels breathe,

And that love will live on and never leave.

Words from "To Where You Are" by R. Marx, L. Thompson
Copyright Brandon Brady Music

October 28, 2005

Sweetheart~
It is hard to believe that one year ago today I flew cross-country to Cali. It took me about a month to pack up what was once our home together. Sorting through everything of yours was so incredibly painful. Then there were all the ornaments and cards from your squad car. They were all in the original boxes from almost a year prior, I just couldn't make myself look at them until I absolutely HAD to. I think it took me a several days and many boxes of Kleenex to read every single note and card. Looking back now, I sometimes wonder how I really got it all done, but I remember that I was so determined.

With our "kids" and my biggest suitcase, I left the house and proceeded to La Porte where Chris took me to the airport. What an empty house it was the 2 weeks before I actually got on the plane.....Wow! Oh, I will never forget how scared I was when they told me that my original flight that I was scheduled for left in 20 minutes and that I would have to wait for the next flight. After checking the "kids" in, I was totally laughing because Jordan was drooling, and because all of the airline staff said to me, "What a BIG cat he is!" I think that was one of the first times I had had a good belly laugh after you died. But, I also think the fact that I missed the first flight was partly your doing because you knew that it would be awesome for Chris and I to sit down and have a bite to eat before I left. It all worked out for the best.

When I finally said "see ya later" to Chris, I was crying and I went through security for the last time that day. I turned around one more time to see Chris going down the escalator with tears in his eyes, and he gave me one final wave. I still remember that he was wearing his blue IRISH sweatshirt, it is vivid in my mind. Saying goodbye to him that day was so difficult and painful. I boarded the plane with tears in my eyes and I am sure the flight crew wondered what was wrong with me. Shortly after boarding, they announced that our "kids" were safely on the plane in the special pressurized compartment for pets below. Thank GOD! I was so scared they were headed for Anchorage on an entirely different airline. I knew that neither one of them could handle too much more excitement and anxiety, so I was SO relieved to know that they were aboard.

As the plane pushed away from the tarmac, I felt about a hundred pounds of weight lift from my shoulders. I finally realized that I had done this all by myself. Although I didn't want to do anything without you after you died, I planned the whole move on my own. (As you know, it was no easy task). So, as I was on a plane flying across America, all my worldly possessions were also moving across America in a moving truck and on a car carrier.

Looking back now, it is so hard to believe, the huge change that occurred 365 days ago today. Of course, many, many other things have changed in that amount of time. There are moments when I cannot imagine living anywhere else. It was one of the hardest things that I have done to pick up and leave everyone and everything that I have ever known for most of my life. I don't know where I would be emotionally if I had stayed. It took me some time, but once I moved I realized that the only one that can really help me is me. I started to reach out to other police survivors' and that, my dear is precisely what you would want.

All I knew before I moved is that I needed to make some major changes, and I did. By myself. Tough changes, because nothing since you died has ever been easy. Yet in my heart you have been here, cheering for me, challenging me and loving me the same way that you would have if you were here physically. You have taught me some of the toughest lessons that most people never have to even think about, much less learn. I know that you are proud of me and of all of my accomplishments that I have achieved since 12/13/03.

Thank you for every bit of strength, love and healing that you have given me. Spiritually, I know that you are still here with me and I know that. I am thankful that what they say is true for us, that true love never dies.

Until We Meet Again My Dear,
Your Wife

October 28, 2005

Dear Juli,

My husband Carmen and I had the pleasure of being with your mom at the In-laws Retreat. She sat behind me on the bus and we talked then and throughout the retreat. She spoke so highly of you and your strength and courage and Bryan, and showed us the beautiful scrapbook you made. I could only look at the pictures which was hard enough and didn't dare read the words as my heart broke again for yet another young woman whose life was tragically changed forever. I am glad you and Denise have formed a bond as you have so much in common. I gave your mom two hugs when we left, one from me and one for you from Denise and she in turn gave me two hugs for the same reason. I will keep you in my prayers as you pass yet another sad milestone.

Vicki Petrelli
MIL of NJ State Trp. Bertram Zimmerman, III

October 28, 2005

When I Get where Im Going

When I get where I'm going
On the far side of the sky
The first thing that I'm gonna do
Is spread my wings and fly

I'm gonna land beside a lion
And run my fingers through his mane
Or I might find out what it's like
To ride a drop of rain

[Chorus]
Yeah when I get where I'm going
There'll be only happy tears
I will shed the sins and struggles
I have carried all these years
And I'll leave my heart wide open
I will love and have no fear
Yeah when I get where I'm going
Don't cry for me down here

I'm gonna walk with my grand daddy
And he'll match me step for step
And I'll tell him how I missed him
Every minute since he left
Then I'll hug his neck

[Repeat chorus]

So much pain and so much darkness
In this world we stumble through
All these questions I can't answer
So much work to do

But when I get where I'm going
And I see my maker's face
I'll stand forever in the light
Of his amazing grace
Yeah when I get where I'm going
There'll be only happy tears
Hallelujah
I will love and have no fear
When I get where I'm going

October 27, 2005

I'll Be There - The Escape Club

Over Mountains
Over Trees
Over Oceans
Over Seas
I'll be there
In a whisper on the wind
On the smile of a new friend
Just think of me
And I'll be there
Don't be afraid, oh my love
I'll be watching you from above
And I'd give all the world tonight,
To be with you
Because I'm on your side,
And I still care
I may have died,
But I've gone nowhere
Just think of me,
And I'll be there
On the edge of a waking dream
Over Rivers
Over Streams
Through Wind and Rain
I'll be there
Across the wide and open sky
Thousands of miles I'd fly
To be with you
I'll be there
Don't be afraid, oh my love
I'll be watching you from above
And I'd give all the world tonight,
To be with you
Because I'm on your side,
And I still care
I may have died,
But I've gone nowhere
Just think of me,
And I'll be there
In the breath of a wind that sighs
Oh, there's no need to cry
Just think of me,
And I'll be there

October 26, 2005

Jules, how funny that our parents met on the in-law retreat! I am glad they had the chance to meet and hang out! I know we dont get to talk that often with the time difference, but please know I am always thinking of you and how you are doing.

Bryan, these next few months will be very difficult for Jules, with the holidays coming and with your anniversary of your death. Please give her strengh to get through it.

Denise Zimmerman
Surviving Spouse of NJ State Trooper Bert Zimmerman

October 26, 2005

Bryan -

Thank you for sending your wonderful Jules to be my friend. She is so awsome and I know why you loved her so much. She has endured so much and I know you would be so proud of her! Stay close beside her & help her ok?? Thanks Bryan!
Love you Jules!
- Jess
Fiancee of Police Officer Dan Starks

Jules try to remember this verse:

2 Corinthians 13: 4-8

"Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast.
It is not proud. It is not rude. It is not self seeking. It is not easily angered, it keeps NO RECORD OF WRONGS.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

It ALWAYS protects. Always trusts.
Always hopes. Always perservers."

October 19, 2005

B.,
I am so thankful for FL Jess that I needed to tell you, Daniel and Cole how great of a trio that you make in Heaven. I know that the three of you are together, because it is through you all that the 3 of us are such great friends'. The friendships we have made are because of you since the 3 of you knew that we would help each other through the terribly sad, and lonely days,weeks, months and years that have passed since you've been gone. I love you and I always will. I just got some great advice from a fellow police widow and I intend to take it to heart. I am thankful for the love tat we have and for the spiritual relationship that we have. I know that when I get to Heaven, I have a date :) (and I'm sure you will have flowers for me too)
True love never dies....

I Love You
Your Wife

October 19, 2005

Dear Bryan, We miss you and think of you every day,I leave a rose for you as I do for Tom the 13th of every month.It's a friendship and a love that I will always honor and remember.You will never be forgotten.How sad the lives that have been lost and continue to be lost.And how sad the lost souls that are left behind.Watch over us Blue Angels.

Deb

October 18, 2005

Thanks for the rain drops today at breakfast my dear. You are missed so much.

October 16, 2005

1000 Oceans

These tears I've cried
I've cried 1000 oceans
And if it seems
I'm floating in the darkness
Well, I can't believe that I would keep
Keep you from flying
And I would cry 1000 more
If that's what it takes
To sail you home
Sail you home
Sail you home

I'm aware what the rules are
But you know that I will run
You know that I will follow you
Over silbury hill
Through the solar field
You know that I will follow you

And if I find you
Will you still remeber
Playing at trains
Or does this litte blue ball
Just fade away
Over silbury hill
Through the solar field
You know that I will follow you
I'm aware what the rules are
But you know that I will run
You know that I will follow you

These tears I've cried
I've cried 1000 oceans
And if it seems
I'm floating in the darkness
Well I can't believe that I would keep
Keep you from flying
So I will cry 1000 more
If that's what it takes
To sail you home
Sail you home
Sail you home
Sail
Sail you home

Lyrics and Music Copyrighted by Tori Amos. From the album "To Venus and Back"

October 13, 2005

I saw this on Officer Scott Stewart's ODMP and wanted to post it for you too.

A Million Times
A million times we've needed you,
A million times we've cried
If love alone would've saved you,
You never would have died.
In life we loved you dearly,
In death we love you still.
In our hearts you hold a place
No one else will ever fill.
It broke our hearts to lost you,
But you didn't go alone.
Part of us went with you,
The day God called you home.

Author Unknown

October 13, 2005

Bryan,
22 months ago you were taken from us. Not a day goes by that you are not missed, or thought of by so many. Please continue to watch over all of us that are left behind. I will try to always remember the good times, but on days like today I am saddened by the very nature of what it represents. Your EOW date.
Soon, most will be happily celebrating Christmas, but I am dreading the 2 year marker. I can't believe I am living a life, without you. The void will never fill. I will always miss you and everything about you my dear.
Until we meet again...

I Love You
Bryan's Wife

October 13, 2005

Dear Bryan~
Some have said that time will assist the healing, ease the pain, the suffering and the intense grief. I think that the person who wrote or said that was not travelling on their own grief journey. I am missing you today, tomorrow and forever. I Love You and I wanted so badly for those hopes and dreams that we had to come true. I feel like we were SO CLOSE....but, in the end, it wasn't allowed to happen.
Now, rebuilding is so hard when every step of the way is rocky, the tide is strong and the water murky. This is often the most lonliest place I could ever fathom; the walk without you. I was looking at our wedding photos and I realized again that you never lived to see them. These facts are some of the things that bother me the most. Broken hopes and dreams aside, we just did not get a chance to do so much that we had hoped for, dreamed about and talked about. Sometimes when I see an elderly couple holding hands I think, "Wow, that should have been us," but I am well aware that it will never happen. If there was one thing I could have given us, it would have been more time together as husband and wife. My heart still longs for the way it felt when you were alive, completing me in every way.
I am missing you my love, my Soulmate forever. Please watch over me as I attempt to carry on.

Juli Verkler
Widow of Ptlm. Bryan S. Verkler EOW 12/13/03

October 11, 2005

Healing Hands

I never dreamed I could cry so hard
That ain't like a man
I could fly like a bird some days
Had a place where I could land

I could have sworn we were all locked in
Ain't that what you said
I never knew it could hurt so bad
When the power of love is dead

But giving into the nighttime
Ain't no cure for the pain
You gotta wade into the water
You gotta learn to live again

And reach out for her healing hands
Reach out for her healing hands
There's a light, where the darkness ends
Touch me now and let me see again
Rock me now in your gentle healing hands

I never knew love like poison
That burned like a fire
All I ever wanted was a reason
To drown in your eyes

I never knew sleep so restless
Empty arms so cold
That's not the way it's supposed to be
It ain't the spell that I was sold




© 1989 Big Pig Music Limited

Music by Elton John
Lyrics by Bernie Taupin
Available on the album Sleeping With The Past

September 27, 2005

Honey~
I just returned from the Spouse's Retreat and I wanted to thank you. First of all, thank you for the safe travel to and from Californial. I met SO many wonderful, beautiful people that have sustained the same loss as I have. It is amazing what the power of unity can do for one's soul. I feel as if I have bonded with 90 new friends for life because our loss is what connects us all. I could totally feel you pushing me every step of the way as I was climbing the high ropes. Thank you for the extra balance! :)
As always, thank you for helping me to feel so close to you, regardless of what state, city or zip code that I am in. I know that no matter how much time elapses, that you will always be with me. I thank God for the wonderful gift that you have given me, and thank you for your love and guidance from high above.
Also, thank you for the recent letter that I received, it is truly a gift from above, as I know your hand is in this new upcoming plan that is evolving for my life, my future and my well-being.

I Love You Now and Forever
Your Wife

September 26, 2005

Bryan,

Was out at the ranch today with your family. Ross, Joe, and I enjoyed quite the meal whipped up by your Mom. One thing you never are when you leave the Verkler ranch is hungry. Can't believe the two year mark is fast approaching. Your still in my thoughts daily. How about our Colts? Doing a lot better than your boilermakers. Your Mom wants to get everyone together for some pizza soon. I'm looking forward to it. Wouldn't feel right being with Brett if food wasn't involved! Keep looking down on Juli, your family and your friends......

Cpl. Shawn Albright
St. Joseph County Police Department

September 26, 2005

We love and miss you Bryan. There is not a day that passes that you are not thought of.

September 25, 2005

Angel

Lyrics and music copyrighted by Sarah McLaclan

Spend all your time waiting
for that second chance
for a break that would make it okay
there's always one reason
to feel not good enough
and it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
oh beautiful release
memory seeps from my veins
let me be empty
and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there

so tired of the straight line
and everywhere you turn
there's vultures and thieves at your back
and the storm keeps on twisting
you keep on building the lie
that you make up for all that you lack
it don't make no difference
escaping one last time
it's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here

September 22, 2005

Bryan -

Please keep Jules safe in her travels as she goes to the retreat soon. I know you are so proud of her.

Jessica

September 20, 2005

Bryan,

I just wanted to let you know what a wonderful wife you have. You should be proud of her how she keeps your memory alive with the web-site and the stories she tells about the two of you. Continue to keep her strong and keep watch over her from above. And continue to give her signs that you are still here for her.

Juli,

Thank you for sharing your life and experience with me. You are a strong woman (and don't shake your head no and think otherwise). Your ability to pick up and carry on is what makes you strong. Bryan is proud of you. I look forward to figuring out many more time difference phone calls with you LOL.

Love and hugs,
Jenn

Jennifer Aaron
Wife of Ofc. Duke G. Aaron, III (EOW 07/20/04)

September 15, 2005

bryan,

i must admit that everytime i "check on you," i end up "leaving" in tears. the devotion and loyalty that your precious jules has shown is incredible and inspiring. it's kind of funny because i would have never thought that i would know so many women who had lost the loves of their lives like i did. although i honestly would rather not even know about this website or juli or your story, i am soooo very glad that i have her in my life and get to know more about the man you are and the things you stood for. i am absolutely positively certain that you, cole, and daniel have bonded just as we girls have. i only wish that i was closer to jules to hug her and hold her tight on those long, lonely nights. i know those all too well myself even though cole and i never had the opportunity to get married. bryan, please continue to give juli your strength and love. she needs it more than you realize, and those little things are what get us girls through the days. please tell cole that i love him more than i could ever explain to him on here or in my thoughts. i cannot wait to meet you in heaven and thank you for sending jules to me in that round-about way!

love,
jessi

September 14, 2005

BSV,
I can't pretend to know why a lot of things happen to great people. I will never know precisely where we would be if you were alive. My mind is still filled with the hopes and dreams that we had. I mean in reality, I know that they will never happpen, but I am still filled with so much love and devotion for you. Sometimes, words are inexplicable and I don't know how to grieve what was lost. You can read book after book and go to counseling but the fact of the matter remains. There is no manual for grieving. One of the worst parts about losing you is the fact that I feel like no one "gets me." When you try to explain it so someone who wasn't or isn't with their Soul Mate, it is worthless. In my heart, all I have is a love for you that keeps growing, a love that will remain in my heart until the day that I am allowed to take my place next to you in Heaven. The love won't stop, even though you are physically gone. I wouldn't want that love to stop. Although the pain is so deep and horribly persistent, I will never stop loving you. Our love continues on a very different spiritual plane. I am thankful for the things you send to me to help me know you are still with me. I was granted the gift to hold and kiss you last night in my dream. I always know that it is you visiting me because I look into your eyes and for a second in my subconscious mind, I get that "feeling" back. The feeling that I lost even before you came into the ER that night. I knew Bryan. I knew the instant you left this Earth because I felt it where it matters most, my heart. When I heard the medics call because they were heading to the scene; the first tears started. Although my friends tried to reassure me that it wasn't you, I STILL KNEW. When I frantically called your cell phone and you didn't answer, my mind did not want to acknowledge what the heart knew. Now here we are almost 2 years to the day of your EOW date. I can't believe after all that happened that I am still here to talk about it! So much has happened in the almost 730 days since you died. Some changes I made, some were made for me. Regardless, there have been a numerous amount of changes. I look back at some of the changes, and I think that the one that took the most guts was the change that I made when I left Indiana. I had to start over because I had to try to make a life without you. Although I did not want to, my mind said "You HAVE to." Thank you for helping me. It was very hard to leave everything and everyone that I have ever known my whole life behind. But, I did it. I am and will always be your wife. Someone once told me the reason that you married me was because I was a mirror reflection of the qualities that you saw in yourself. I see now that that is true. Although I will not die being honored as a true American hero, I hope that people see the determination, hope, perserverance and assertiveness that I have. Our souls will always be joined. I am thankful for the love that we had even though we were only allowed to have it for a very short amount of time. I will always love you, honor you and uphold the morals and standards that we valued. Thank you for showing me what it is like to be loved wholly and completely.

I Love You
Your Wife

September 12, 2005

B~
Today I was thinking about our last Labor Day weekend together. Friday, we went to Indy and went to a Colts pre-season game, and ironically, on the way down, I received a call and accepted the offer to work at the Med Center. Saturday, we went to the Indianapolis Zoo and visited the lovely White River Gardens. We spent about an hour and a half in the butterfly garden. I will never forget how peaceful and awesome that was for us! Then we went the Circle Centre Mall arcade, and then headed off to the movies to see S.W.A.T. Sunday, we headed home and stopped off at that little orchard that we always stopped at on our way home from Indy. We looked around that cute little shop and you got the homemade apple dumplings with fresh vanilla ice cream that you loved so much. I remember that we bought that beautiful Irish blessing for our home that used to be by our front door.

I will never forget all of our moments that we spent together. The great memories, honey, are what keep me going. I miss you more with each passing day. I know you are 'saving a spot' for me in Heaven.

My Love To You, Always and Forever,
Your Wife

September 5, 2005