Family, Friends & Fellow Officers Remember...

I saw you two nights agoin my dream. You had tears welling up in your eyes because you had to leave. I can't remember seeing you look like that when you were alive so I really felt like it was more of a visitation rather than a dream. Regardless, I loved seeing you. You had on your blue Hawaiian shirt, khaki shorts and a ballcap.

My only wish for us was that we would have had more time, but we were given what we were given. Living without you in my life is not the life that I envisioned for us when I walked down the aisle to become man and wife.

I cannot wait until we are reunited. Life down here will never be the same without your love, your life, your touch, your kiss, your smile & your laughter. What I wouldn't give for one more moment....just to feel your big arms wrapped around me.

I LOVE YOU!

March 28, 2006

Crossroads

Once more at the crossroads,
Lord where should I go?
Every path a mystery,
No signposts that I know.


I'm confused about everything,
What I feel, what I should do.
I know that I should trust you,
But I really wish I knew
What path that I should follow,
The life I ought to make,
How to fill this hollow,
When and what to give and take.


Should my mind or my feelings,
Or blind chance lead the way?
For my feelings pull me strongly,
But my mind has more to say.
I could always follow chance,
Because it's only chance to me,
To God it's part of the big plan,
One huge cosmic mystery.


Once more at the crossroads,
Lord where should I go?
Every path a mystery,
No signposts that I know.
Help me God, guide me,
I do not know the way.
You are the one true shepherd
Please lead me through today.



Poetry by Terence Toolan

March 23, 2006

No matter how much time goes by, there are still days where I wonder... Ever since I watched "The Butterfly Effect", I wonder. What if the time exchange had been completed so that you and Shawn could go to the Bull's game? I know that you had asked someone to work for you that night. What if you would have stayed on noons instead of going to nights? I already know the answer to these questions, and I know that things would have been very different. I also know that no one can go back in time and change events. I occasionally wonder how the cascade of events since your death have had such a huge domino effect on the world. Remember when you told me to watch "Sliding Doors"? You really liked that movie and now I understand why.

Acceptance doesn't mean forgetting. I have no regrets about how we lived or the things that we shared. I know that the time we spent together was the best four and a half years of my life. I know I can't get that time back, but I treasure it everyday.

There is always something that reminds me of you, a thought or a memory will often brighten my day. Last night, I know you must have been laughing at what Jordan did. He has NEVER done that to either of us, so it was totally hilarious. (Also, I'm sure you were laughing at how I ended up with more salsa on my shirt than in my mouth...ha ha)

Someday, when I am allowed to go to the Other Side, we will be reunited for Eternity. I think I have envisioned what our home there will look like. I know what you will have for me in the fridge :) I love you and you will always have half of my heart, mind and Soul. That is one thing that no one can take from me as long as I live.

March 23, 2006

Bryan and Jules,

I have read your reflections over the months and want you to know your life and your memory will always be held with love and deepest honor in our hearts.

We all are following our own path and trying to find our way now; sometimes when we are the most lost it intersects with another beautiful, precious life that helps us take that next step when we think we absolutely cannot take another.

We love you and honor you and can not wait to meet you along with Matt's other new brothers and sisters.

Love,
Linda Rittenhouse, Matt's Mom

Linda Rittenhouse
Mother of Officer Matthew Rittenhouse E.O.W. 9/16/04

March 19, 2006

If I Could


Using my imagination

I can travel any place

do impossible things,

sad memories I can erase.


It's impossible for me

traveling to a distant star,

only in my imagination

can I travel that far.


Flying with the eagles

or dancing on white clouds,

I can be known by everyone

or just one in a crowd.


If I could snap my finger's

making all my wishes come true,

I would choose only one wish

and that's always being with you.


Ralph L. Clark ©

March 18, 2006

My Love~
Happy St. Patrick's Day! I love you and miss you.

Love,
Your Wife

March 17, 2006

Julie,
I looked at this website the other day for the first time. I sat and read most of your postings. I am a LEO and a wife of a LEO, I was there the day they buried your husband and my heart broke for you as you sobbed, I was there that first year in d.c. when they couldn't find you on the registry and my heart broke for you again. you have been on my heart since i read these reflections the other day and i want you to know that i have been praying for you. please continue to move forward and be so gratefull that your husband was and is a part of you life. god bless you.

March 16, 2006

I saw the Mourning Doves on the fence this morning. They were beautiful. Thank you.....I love you

March 15, 2006

Julie, you are a remarkable women! I just can't imagine the pain you have endured in the last 2 years! I read the reflections from when it first happend and till now and its just an emotional rollercoaster you have been on. My husband is a cop here in Florida and I worry very much everyday about his saftey and the area in which is works. I pray to god that nothing happens to him. We have been talking about him getting out of law enforcement, but then he always says, If its your time it's your time. I don't know????????????????? I could not live without him in my life or my childrens lives. God bless you Julie you are quite a women!

wife of Florida leo

March 14, 2006

Sometimes I wonder what my mission in life is. Things that I always envisioned myself doing, I haven't done. I also know in my heart that I will never do certain things that I once wanted so badly. My path has changed. I accept that it has changed, although I sometimes wonder how it is that I got to where I am. I have been trying to analyze a lot of things lately and I think I am just going to let you help me decide what to do next. Any signs that you want to give me I will be watching for. I love you and I miss you more than any words in the English dictionary can describe. The achy feeling that I feel in my heart is never gone, because I truly loved you wholly and completely.

You were IT for me, THE ONE. Once I met you, my world revolved around what our hopes, dreams and aspirations were. Life used to make so much sense. I sometimes feel like I had a handle on life, and then the handle broke off. I see so many lost souls on this Earth searching for The One. It is hard to describe how you feel when you met The One, were loved by him and then he died. It is almost impossible to explain to anyone who will listen.

I LOVE YOU!!

March 11, 2006

A New Path
by Nick Alcantara

All I wanted
Was to spend more time
With you
But what I got
Was only a precious few

At least I tried
To make the most
Of what was left
Plans diverted
Too many hurdles
Never made it
To desired stage

Sorry, not much choice
Although it hurts
Life must go on now

Even without you
I must continue
The life that never was
And forged ahead
A new path
Guided by your
Eternal light
And undoubting love
Forever you are always in our hearts

March 9, 2006

GRIEF IS LIKE A RIVER
By Cinthia G. Kelley

My grief is like a river,
I have to let it flow,
but I myself determine
just where the banks will go.

Some days the current takes me
in waves of guilt and pain,
but there are always quiet pools
where I can rest again.

I crash on rocks of anger;
my faith seems faint indeed,
but there are other swimmers
who know that what I need

Are loving hands to hold me
when the waters are too swift,
and someone kind to listen
when I just seem to drift.

Grief's river is a process
of relinquishing the past.
By swimming in hope's channels,
I'll reach the shore at last.

March 9, 2006

TOMORROW WITHOUT ME

When tomorrow starts without me,
and I'm not there to see;
If the sun should rise and find your eyes all filled with tears for me;
I wish so much you wouldn't cry,
the way you did today,
while thinking of the many things
we didn't get to say.

I know how much you love me,
as much as I love you,
and each time that you think of me,
I know you'll miss me too.
When tomorrow starts without me,
please try to understand,
that an angel came and called my name
and took me by the hand.

It said my place was ready
in Heaven far above,
and that I'd have to leave behind
all those I dearly love.
But as I turned to walk away,
a tear fell from my eye,
for all life I'd always thought
I didn't want to die.

I had so much to live for,
so much yet to do,
it seemed almost impossible,
that I was leaving you,
I thought of all the yesterdays,
the good ones and the bad,
I thought of all the love we shared,
and all the fun we had.

If I could relive yesterday,
just even for awhile,
I'd say goodbye and kiss you
and maybe see you smile.
But then I fully realized that this
could never be, for emptiness and
memories would take the place of me.
And when I thought of worldly things
I might miss come tomorrow, I thought
of you, and when I did, my heart was
filled with sorrow.

When I walked through Heaven's gates
I felt so much at home.
God looked down and smiled at me
from His great golden throne.
He said, "This is eternity and all
I've promised you".
Today your life on earth is past
but here it starts anew,
I promise no tomorrow
but today will always last.

So when tomorrow starts without me
don't think we're far apart,
for every time you think of me,
I'm right there, in your heart.

-David A. Ramano-

March 7, 2006

Thank you for helping me on Sunday. I felt proud of myself because I was envisioning how proud you are. It is a great honor regardless of the outcome. At the end of the day, I know in my heart that I have become A LOT stronger. You have helped me in so many ways, some of which I will not know about until we are reunited in Heaven. I must say that I am very excited for the day when I finally get to reunite with you. I will always love you and miss you with every part of my being. I sometimes think back to what our lives were like and it seems so long ago. So much has happened in a short amount of time. Thank you for the ability to grow through much adversity.

I Love You Now and Forever
Jules

March 7, 2006

Amen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

March 6, 2006

For the record, there is NEVER a day that goes by that you are not thought of. Your memories will live on forever. Your love lives on in so many different people, especially those that knew you well and loved you. Your Spirit is strong and it is clear that you live on, just in various ways that are most familiar to those that have passed over to the Other Side. You will continutally live on in the hearts, thoughts and minds of everyone that loved you throughout your life; including the community that you fought valiantly to protect and serve.

Thank you Officer Verkler for your Ultimate Sacrifice!

A Mishawaka Citizen

March 5, 2006

I truly hate to see a day go by, nevermind weeks without a thought left for you!!!

March 5, 2006

I FINALLY finished both of the scrapbooks that hold each and every momento from 12/13/03 on. There are articles from the paper that until last night, I hadn't even read. I can't believe in the midst of everything that was going on, the media used your tragedy to sell papers. Unbelievable! One article didn't even mention that we were married or that you left behind a wife. I had to laugh comically at the HUGE mistake in that story, because that's exactly was what it was, a story. It was truly a false depiction of who you were and of what your life represented. In another story, I saw a picture that the newspaper placed on the front page of Rich speaking to me right after I received your casket flag. The look on my face is horrifying, and to look at it almost took me back to that very moment. It was all so FINAL after the funeral. Time has been different since you died honey. Minutes turned into hours, hours turned into days, days into weeks, and now here we are, years later.

It feels like a million lifetimes ago that we were together. The reason is because we used to have so much contact everyday. Whether we were on opposite shifts or not, we spoke often, laughed often, and eventually we were within reach of one another. I think that throughout our whole relationship, we maybe spent a couple of weeks total apart from one another. The fishing trips never lasted more than a day or so, and then you were home. The camping trip with Lance was less than a week. So, when it became more than a day or so since I seen or spoke with you, my heart, mind and Spirit knew time had changed. Life had changed. The finality of your death took a lot longer to sink in though. The lonliness and emptiness I felt was full of attempting to grasp what had happened. When I moved, it was much easier to grasp because I was forced to start anew. My heart knew of the grief and sadness, but my mind knew you were in Heaven, and you couldn't come back.

Truly, there are still SO many things that are seem unbelievable, almost three years since your EOW date. I am working very hard to attain new goals and dreams that never even existed when you were alive. It feels as if I keep pushing my own boundaries, as I tell myself I can excel just a little bit more. Everytime I come a step closer to attaining new goals in life, I feel how proud you are of me, even all the way down here on Earth. I almost think you are bragging about me in Heaven, the way you used to on Earth.

It makes me proud to have been your wife, even if I was only legally that role for seven months. In that regards, time made no difference to our love. I knew on our second date when I looked in your eyes that I never wanted to see an ounce of pain in them. The evening that we returned from the Cub's game and I feel asleep on your lap on the South Shore, I wanted to tell you I loved you first. Ironically, that same night, you told me first. You can't explain coincidental timing of our actions, our thoughts, the looks we shared, our sayings, our comical imitations we had and all of our private inside jokes. I know that I will never have that again, but as time passes, I realize that that is perfectly o.k. I don't need it because I had all I ever wanted with you. I miss you and I love you. I will continually and patiently live my life to the best of my ability. Time also proves that I don't need a special day to think of you, speak to you, ask you your opinion and to gently and quietly ask you to show me the way. You have and you always answer in your own time, in your own way. Thank you for your continual love, guidance and healing.

Until we meet again My Love, My Husband, and My Best Friend Forever.

February 20, 2006

Thank you for the double rainbow today. I know it was your vote of confidence and encouragement. I am so glad that we are still connected, just in different ways. I love you.

February 19, 2006

Life has been all about transitions lately. I have often begun to wonder when the transitions may end and there will finally be some bit of certainty. To be honest, I can't really pinpoint an era of time where there hasn't been any transition since you've died. I'm trying to be very patient, but sometimes it is difficult to be changing so much and in so many various ways. I love you, please continue to watch over me and protect me.

February 14, 2006

Happy Valentine's Day Bryan. Please send angel hugs and kisses Juli's way today.

February 14, 2006

Julie,

It was officially 5 years ago today that Bryan and Craig were sworn in. (Although on their certificate it states 2-14-01) We have a picture of the two of them afterwards. It saddens me that things turned out this way. Craig and I think about Bryan often. You can't think of Bryan and not think of you as well. We are praying for you and hope California is treating you well. God Bless!!

Shelley Nowacki
Wife of Craig Nowacki pin # 20153

February 13, 2006

"Sophomore Slump Or Comeback Of The Year"

Are we growing up or just going down?
It's just a matter of time until we're all found out
Take our tears and put them on ice
Cause I swear I'd burn this city down to show you the light

We're the therapists pumping through your speakers
Delivering just what you need
We're well read and poised
We're the best boys
We're the chemists who've found the formula
To make your heart swell and burst
No matter what they say, don't believe a word

Cause I'll keep singing this lie if you'll keep believing it
I'll keep singing this lie
I'll keep singing this lie

Are we growing up or just going down?
It's just a matter of time until we're all found out
Take our tears and put them on ice
Cause I swear I'd burn this city down to show you the light

We're traveled like gypsies
Only with worse luck and far less gold
We're the kids you used to love
But then we grew old
We're the lifers here till the bitter end
Condemned from the start
Ashamed of the way
The songs and the words own the beating of our hearts

Cause I'll keep singing this lie
I'll keep singing this lie

Are we growing up or just going down?
It's just a matter of time until we're all found out
take our tears and put them on ice
Cause I swear I'd burn this city down to show you the light
There's a drug in the thermostat to warm the room up
And there's another around to help us bend your trust
I've got a sunset in my veins
And I need to take a pill to make this town feel okay

The best part of "Believe" is the "Lie",
I hope you sing along and you steal a line
I need to keep you like this in my mind
So give in or just give up
[x2]

Are we growing up or just going down?

Are we growing up or just going down?
It's just a matter of time until we're all found out
Take our tears and put them on ice
Cause I swear I'd burn this city down to show you the light

Music and lyrics copyrighted by Fall Out Boy ASCAP

February 10, 2006

Honey~
I am reaching heights that I never even dreamt existed before 12/13. Your continual love and support is remarkable. Thank you for the white butterfly today in the park. I love you.

Your Wife
J.

February 10, 2006

Thank you for those moments yesterday that I had of serenity and tranquility. They were indeed precious. I will never stop loving you.

February 2, 2006