Family, Friends & Fellow Officers Remember...

PATHFINDER
By Marilyn Houston

You learn to take a little bit
extra on the in-breath
just in case you come up short
when heartbreak comes.

You learn to lean a little
less than most, just enough
to catch yourself and keep a balance
should you start to fall toward the abyss.

You learn to love a little
more intensely should life
send grief to poke you in the eye
and a golden moment pass unseen.

You learn to speak the language
of the heart more clearly
to the ones you love just because
there's so many ways that night can come
and stop you in your tracks,

so many ways the boot
can crush the rose.

July 4, 2006

Missing you this 4th of July holiday...

And everyday.

July 3, 2006

I feel like my life has been divided into chapters. There was college, getting my apartment, getting a "real" job, meeting YOU ;), falling in love with YOU ;), moving, moving again, buying our first home together, getting married to YOU ;), and then it ended really before we even got a chance to begin. Then there is the life without you...which is the strangest chapter of my life thus far. It is definitely one I had never anticipated. The things that have happened since this chapter started have been all over the spectrum of emotions. The main emotion that still supercedes the rest is loss of the love of my life. It is easy to see why I will never be "just like everyone else". This chapter is full of twists and turns. Just when I think things are settling a little, there seems to be more twists and turns. To say that I would like a little stability would be an understatement. I hope once I finish my thesis that I can find a small amount of stability. Sometimes I have to remind myself where I came from and how the hell I got here. I can't believe another year will come to pass without you by my side. It's unfreakingbelievable...

Please help me find my way....I know you will.

June 29, 2006

Juli, I saw your picture of Bryan's ghost at DC on the paranormal page. That is something!

June 27, 2006

Thank you for the white butterfly today while I was gardening. I took it as a sign from you in answer to what I was asking you the other day. I love you.

June 26, 2006

Whispers from Heaven

They say that life is fleeting
I know that this is true
I left this world so quickly
With no goodbye to you.

I know how much you miss me
Your tears fall ever light
The pillow where you lay your head
Is wet with them at night.

I know your heart is hurting
The words we left, unsaid
I love you’s, left unspoken
Are spinning in your head.

The strength that I have carried
That served to make you whole
Remains to make you stronger
Within your grieving soul.

For you see, while you were weeping
On the day I passed away
At the gravesite near the flowers
Where my loved ones knelt to pray.

An angel came to see me
She took me by the hand
She led me to a kingdom
In a very distant land.

As I look down from heaven
And see you standing there
Your heart so ever burdened
With more grief than it can bear.

I long to bring you comfort
I long to give you peace
I long to hold you closely
Cause all your tears to cease.

The joy I’ve found in heaven
Goes far beyond compare
The love that’s so elusive
Can be found here everywhere.

The light is softly shining
There’s no storm clouds here or rain
There’s no teardrops found in heaven
There’s no suffering, there’s no pain.

You needn’t be so troubled
Stay close to God and pray
That someday we’ll be together
One bright and glorious day.

So my love, you shouldn’t question
My dear you need not cry
I’ve gone to be with Jesus
I really didn’t die.

Author/Written By:
Marilyn Ferguson
©2004

June 25, 2006

"Far Away"

This time, This place
Misused, Mistakes
Too long, Too late
Who was I to make you wait
Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case there's just one left
'Cause you know,
you know, you know

[CHORUS]
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore

On my knees, I'll ask
Last chance for one last dance
'Cause with you, I'd withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I'd give it all
I'd give for us
Give anything but I won't give up
'Cause you know,
you know, you know

[CHORUS]
So far away
Been far away for far too long
So far away
Been far away for far too long
But you know, you know, you know

I wanted
I wanted you to stay
'Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go


ASCAP by Nickelback, from the album "All the Right Reasons", 2005.

June 19, 2006

Honey,

I cannot believe that today marks 2.5 years to the day. It equals out to 912.5 days, which equals out to a hell of a long time without you. I don't know if it is true or not, but someone once told me that Earth is hell and the Other Side is equivalent to Heaven. Having been brought up in a Christian upbringing, it certainly brought a different perspective to my mind. Since you were murdered in cold blood, I have a much different perspective of everything. To use the word "jaded" would most likely be an understatement.

Today, I will concentrate on honoring you, your love, our marriage and all that died with you. Really, these things are something that I always hold near and dear to my heart everyday, not just today. Your memory will NEVER be forgotton. You will always live on in my heart and mind.

So many dreams died with you, my dear. The more time that elapses, the reality of HOW many dreams has finally and completely surfaced. As a result, I have become quite doubting and occasionally pessimistic person at times. Nothing has remained the same. I had to change my personality, and my mind because my world changed; drastically, forever. Changing was not a short term reality check, but rather a response to the long term sentence to life without you.

Technically, there is no one to blame. I have had people tell me "you are lucky you don't have a trial". Well, I wouldn't necessarily use the word lucky. At times, I have wished to look him in the face and tell him the Christmases that he has forever ruined, the one year anniversary we will never celebrate, the return trips to the Hotel del that we planned, the canoeing trips we planned, the children that we can never have, and the joys of parenthood are no longer a goal or something that we can look forward to. Our love, our lives together and our relationship were taken away by some cold, calculated, and ridiculously psychotic act. I suppose that is why I have changed into the person I am today.

I could write a million more lines telling you how much I love you, but I will wait until another time. You were the most beautiful soul and spirit that I have ever had contact with in my life. I love you and I miss you.

I Love You, Now and Forever,
Your Wife

June 13, 2006

My Love,
Today when I woke up for some reason I was thinking about the first time I met you. I began to think of a lot of older memories that we had together, like where we lived prior to George St., things that we did, the Thunder Chicken :):) I was thinking about the first time that we met though. Remember the CD that was playing? You said you knew I was "cool" since I had that CD playing. How funny! I remember my apartment door was open still because Shawn had come in and I remember we weren't chatting long and then BOOM...here you came, larger than life. You made eye contact and then looked back down, (hard to believe but yes, you were shy initially. Which in reality, just made you all the more attractive :). You walked over to me and we talked for a little bit. Then, we finally decided to go to Macri's. Once we got in your Thunder Chicken, I can remember noticing you seemed a little more at ease with the first date situation. I remember you made a joke as we were driving down Mishawaka Ave. Once we got to Macri's you and Shawn's jokes were rolling! I remember laughing SO hard that night. Also, I was telling my mom about the bike that you rode at Potato Creek. When you pedaled the bike, it had some kind of problem with the chain or the wheel and it sounded like a dead duck. I remember how funny that was and what your face looked like because you were mad at first but then you couldn't stop laughing to the point where you couldn't even bike anymore. What a trip!

Funny how I can remember certain moments like they are frozen in time in my memory bank. In the year before you died, we did A LOT. We bought our first home, began making it our own, got married, I changed jobs, you changed shifts, I changed shifts, we got MARRIED :), and then came 12/13. Since then, I sold our house, moved a couple thousand miles away, bought a house, started a new job, and started grad school. I just realized all the changes after one of my nursing friends told me that not only those stressful, but they are probably the top five stressors that anyone can have in their life. Typically, people tend to face one huge stressor at a time, or one in a lifetime. I realized that more than a lot has changed, it's been an immense amount. Somedays I finally feel like I can come up for air. Sometimes though, the grief can land on you like a ton of bricks. What's of benefit is being able to find those happy memories to lean back on. Knowing we shared so many moments together makes me smile, because I try to block out the fact that there will not be more to come.

Today I am glad that I can think of good moments, because there seems like there have been some pretty bad ones since you've been gone. My God how it seems like a thousand lifetimes ago since I've seen you, held you or kissed your lips. You were not only my husband. You were my best friend, my lover, my confidante, my Number One Fan, my coach, my EVERYTHING. You can't explain that to someone who doesn't understand. It's like talking to the wall. I have learned not to waste my breath. It is so sad that the one thing that I want and would give anything to have back is gone forever.

I Miss You.

I Love You
J.

June 9, 2006

You will and forever be My Hero.

June 6, 2006

What a beautiful love story you tell! It reminds me of the movie Ghost! Its evident that the journey your on is very lonely and sad. You were not given a chance to have a wonderful life with your husband because of some scum of the earth that decided to end it!! Know that I pray for you!!!! They say god has a bigger plan but sometimes we don't see it!!!!!!!!! Life really is hard to understand but know that everyday you are one more day closer to being reunited!!! God bless you and enjoy the signs that he sends you because THEY ARE REAL!!!!

WIFE OF LEO

June 2, 2006

Just when I think life is making a little bit of sense...it doesn't! Does that make sense? I personally cannot know how happy you are, but I love the fact that I know you are happy. I love you and I miss You!

June 1, 2006

I love you and I miss you. I will never tire of telling you because you will always be a part of me.

May 31, 2006

"All I Want Is You"

You say you want diamonds on a ring of gold
You say you want your story to remain untold

But all the promises we made
From the cradle to the grave
When all I want is you

You say you'll give me a highway with no one on it
A treasure just to look upon it
All the riches in the night

You say you'll give me eyes in a world of blindness
A river in a time of dryness
A harbour in the tempest

But all the promises we make
From the cradle to the grave
When all I want is you

You say you want your love to work out right
To last with me through the night

You say you want diamonds on a ring of gold
Your story to remain untold
Your love not to grow cold

All the promises we break
From the cradle to the grave
When all I want is you

You
All I want is...you
All I want is...you
All I want is...you

Words and Lyrics by U2

May 28, 2006

My God Honey,

How no one will ever understand how we connect now... I wouldn't expect anyone to understand. I know that everyone would comment and how I do not care to hear what anyone else says.
Hmm..

Do I care?

Absolutely NOT! I know what we were when you were alive and what we are now with you on the Other Side. Thank you for granting us all of the beauty that we were allowed to see when we were hiking today. Also, thank you for the mourning doves once again.

Sadly, as time goes on it seems so many are continually blanketed in their own realms of insecurity.

I LOVE YOU FOREVER!!!!!

May 28, 2006

May the road rise up to meet you.
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face;
the rains fall soft upon your fields and until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of His hand.

Traditional Gaelic Blessing

May 26, 2006

I keep hearing that "all is not lost, you are just going a different direction in life..."..is this true? If so, it makes me feel a whole heck of a lot better.

May 26, 2006

Happy Memorial Day!

May 26, 2006

Honey,
It has been a rough week to say the least but I am glad that it's almost over. I have learned over the past few years to stop worrying so much about things that I have no control over. I have been focusing more on that this week. It is hard to continue to persevere and remain determined when it feels like "starting over" all over again. Thank you for your continued strength and guidance. I love you.

May 25, 2006

Dreams


World turns black and white
Pictures in an empty room
Your love starts fallin down
Better change your tune
Reach for the golden ring
Reach for the sky
Baby just spread your wings

Chorus:
We'll get higher and higher straight up we'll climb
We'll get higher and higher leave it all behind

Run, run, run, away
Like a train runnin off the track
The truth gets left behind
And falls between the cracks
Standing on broken dreams
But never losing sight
Spread your wings

Chorus
So baby dry your eyes, save all the tears you've cried
Ohh that's what dreams are made of
Oh baby we belong in a world that must be strong
Ohh that's what dreams are made of

Chorus
Higher and higher who knows what we'll find
And in the end on dreams we will depend
Cause thats what love is made of

Written by:
Edward Van Halen, Sammy Hagar,
Michael Anthony, Alex Van Halen.
© 1986 Yessup Music Company ASCAP.
All Rights Reserved.

May 24, 2006

I miss you so much. I know that in a few days it will officially be the two and a half year mark. I still have a hard time believing that that much time has passed. Many days, I am in amazement in how I made it through. Some days are definitely easier than others. Every day though, I feel an emptiness in my heart that no amount of time or healing will change. It is so hard to describe. There is still so much pain within me. I cannot believe where I am at this point in my life. I am horribly lonely and sad without you...my love..my husband forever.

May 22, 2006

You were featured on the honor banner page on this site and I wanted to stop in and let you know that you have not been forgotten. I know the pain is still in the hearts of those that love you and it will be there for the rest of their lives. People tell them, "Go on with your life." We have and take one day at a time. They just don't understand the loss and how we now live in yesterdays because our tomorrows have been taken away. You have not been forgotten Bryan and you never will as you are a true hero.

Bob Gordon, father of fallen Chicago Officer
Michael P. Gordon, EOW: 8/8/04

Bob Gordon

May 19, 2006

"Lonely Day"

Such a lonely day
And its mine
The most loneliest day of my life

Such a lonely day
Should be banned
It's a day that I can't stand

The most loneliest day of my life
The most loneliest day of my life

Such a lonely day
Shouldn't exist
It's a day that I'll never miss
Such a lonely day
And its mine
The most loneliest day of my life

And if you go, I wanna go with you
And if you die, I wanna die with you

Take your hand and walk away

The most loneliest day of my life
The most loneliest day of my life
The most loneliest day of my life
Life

Such a lonely day
And its mine
It's a day that I'm glad I survived


All lyrics and music copyrighted by System of a Down
From the album "Hypnotize", 2005

May 19, 2006

To Where You Are"
Who can say for certain
Maybe you're still here
I feel you all around me
Your memories so clear

Deep in the stillness
I can hear you speak
You're still an inspiration
Can it be?
That you are mine
Forever love
And you are watching over me from up above

Fly me up to where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile to know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are

Are you gently sleeping
Here inside my dream
And isn't faith believing
All power can't be seen

As my heart holds you
Just one beat away
I cherish all you gave me everyday
'Cause you are mine
Forever love
Watching me from up above

And I believe
That angels breathe
And that love will live on and never leave

Fly me up
To where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile
To know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are

I know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are
Notes:

Music: Richard Marx

May 18, 2006

I still cannot believe it. Spending the day alone without hearing your voice, feeling your touch or knowing we would be spending time together to celebrate.

A true tragedy in and of itself is the two of us being separated physically. I know we can still communicate in Spirit, but it is definitely not the same.

I love you.

I miss you.

Forever I will always be "Your Woman"

Happy Anniversary My Dearest Husband!

May 17, 2006