Family, Friends & Fellow Officers Remember...

God Bless you brother your service has not been forgotten.

Charles Pappas PatrolMan
Lowell Police Department Lowell Ma.

December 13, 2007

Just remember that we will never forget you Bryan. U are and always will be missed. God Bless You

Erin Trozzy (BURCHAM)

December 13, 2007

Thinking of you Bryan and your loved ones today and always. May everyone who knew you be comforted with the peace that they will be reunited with you someday. God Bless you for your courage and sacrifice. Continue to look over your family and brothers in blue.

Shelley Nowacki
Wife of Officer Craig Nowacki

December 13, 2007

Honey~
It is so absolutely difficult to believe that today is the four year marker since your EOW. Four years feels like eight, so I can imagine five will feel like ten. Time changed so immensely after you died. There were so many changes that I had to make to survive. In some instances I didn't really always feel like I was given a choice, because for me, staying in our house surrounded by all of those memories would have made me go completely insane. All of our hopes, our dreams, the planning for my mom to come to our home for Christmas in our new home, looking at our wedding pictures for the first time together with family, looking at the Pooh stuff I had bought for our future nursery, it was all too much. It was hard enough to stay in our empty house 10 1/2 months after you died. I say empty because a house is not a home without love and all of our energy that we had together. It all disappeared the moment you didn't come home.

When I think back to 12/13, I think about the tree that we decorated together with your Gordie Howe hockey ornaments and our little cutesy "Our First Christmas" ornament. To me, just the mere sight of looking at that tree was like salt that someone was rubbing in my open and raw wounds. I couldn't STAND the sight of the tree shortly after you died. I literally told my mom I was leaving the house, and that that tree had better be down by the time I got back. She was so supportive, she worked in a frenzy to get that tree down by herself. I bought you that fly-fishing book that you mentioned to me once before we fell asleep. I really wanted to see you open that gift. You didn't think I was listening when you mentioned it to me and I was. I bought it for you and you never got to see it. The custom frame that I bought for you from Vincinnes came a few days before the funeral. You had NO idea that I bought it for you and yet, you never got to open it. The first time it was on display was at your visitation. This and many other reasons are why Christmas will never mean much to me. I wish I could wake up and have it be over with. The music, the trees, all of the lights do not evoke a feeling of peace and happiness in my Soul. It brings me back to the time when I lost the love of my life. For me, Christmas brings about so many feelings of sadness, mourning and many tears. I doubt that after four years, that that will ever change. We didn't get a chance to do much in our short time of being together. But you have to know that our moments were right, our moments were precious, and we definitely spent as much time as we could together, and those moments are my memories to cherish now that you are gone.

I try not to think about the how's and why's of the night of 12/13 and the circumstances that put you on that doorstep at that particular moment. I have to just look at the facts, and that is that there are a lot of criminals on the street that are out on parole, that have no business being outside of a jail cell. I try not to think about what you looked like when you came in to the ER, the feeling of guilt because I couldn't save you, and all of the situations following that. I remember the visitation, the funeral, and the sense of constant emptiness, and the hollow feeling that I had in my chest. It was so hard to even take a deep breath. I remember breathing so shallow because my grief literally weighed me down. I remember going to the bathroom at the funeral home, and I couldn't understand why people were asking me to look for a casket. I really didn't understand how someone was asking me to do that, because we had just gotten married 7 months ago, we were making plans to re-do the kitchen tile, just got done painting the guest room, and how could anyone possibly be asking me to look for a casket at a time like this? Denial certainly served me well those first several months. But the human brain and grief are bizarre things. As the denial wears off, layer by layer your brain allows you to remember different things. As time progresses, I have helped my brain to remember the good things about our lives together, not how you died. I remember the way you called my name, the slight curvature of your fingertips, and how you always reached for my hand when we got out of our vehicle. I loved it that you were a hand-holder. I loved the beautiful twinkle in your eye, and how you would scratch your left elbow, look at me and wink, and when you did that all in one second you made me feel loved. Your presence in my life was absolutely amazing, and I was so blessed to have you as my husband, even if it wasn't for very long. I keep those memories in my heart and mind, and those have gotten me through the past four years.

I know that 12/13 comes every year, as I can see it clearly on the calendar. It doesn't change the fact that this is the day our world ended as we knew it. Since then, I have been forced to try to rebuild my life. I say forced because as I began to heal, and before I moved to California, I learned that laying down and dying would be letting the murderer win. You of all people know how absolutely stubborn I can be. Somehow, my stubborness kicked in and I realized that I had to try to rebuild my life. The funny thing about trying to rebuild a shattered life is that no matter how hard you try to pick up the pieces and glue them together, the smallest shards cut you. The smallest shards are just that, shards, and no matter how hard you try, they won't fit back together because they are irreparable. I truly consider my heart permanently broken. I thought I was going to die so many times of a broken heart. I've actually clinically heard of it, although most times in older people. When their spouse dies, they literally drop over dead within a few months and the doctor will diagnose them with "a broken heart". I know that it is possible, because the sorrow, pain, and mourning has constantly haunted me.

As time passes, I feel like God is keeping me here for a reason. Sometimes, I don't really know what that reason is, other times I can try to guess that there is a method to God's madness. I cannot understand what all He has in store for me. I have accomplished a lot in the last four years, I went back to school, got my Master's, adopted a dog from the Rescue, went back to a job that I NEVER thought I could ever go back to and be happy, and I am now looking at teaching nursing students at a local university. I know you see all that I do, and that you are proud of me, but it doesn't change the feeling of being incomplete in my heart.

I will always love you and miss you. Time is of no relevance to me loving and missing you. Because of the fact that today is 12/13 just makes the loss of your beautiful life a little sharper, a little more real and it reminds me that today was the day that we, you and I, the us that we had formed were torn apart by death. But no matter what, I love you the same in life as in death. Just because you died doesn't mean that my love for you has changed. You have changed plateaus, but I know you can still feel my love reflected for you...even all the way up there. This is the bond that we have as true Soulmates. Everything that I do to honor you will continue to be a tribute to our love. I will continue to life my life to the best of my ability. I continue to live, but I also know what a great reunion we will have when it is finally my turn to cross over.

I love you and miss you.

(As I am finishing my reflection, it is no coincidence that "Crash" by Dave Matthews came up on my songlist. Thank you for the sign.)

Love,
Your Wife

December 13, 2007

Today we pause to remember your service and the sacrifice you made 4 years ago. Your family is in our prayers. You are not forgotten.
"The memory of the righteous will be a blessing..." Proverbs 10:7 You continue to be a blessing through all of our memories!

old friend

December 13, 2007

Verk,

We're thinking about you and Tom today. We miss you both.

Tracie
MPD

December 13, 2007

My thoughts are with all of your loved ones on this 4th anniversary of your EOW. I know not a day has passed over the last 4 years that your loved ones have not thought of you and silent tears were shed in your memory. There are no magic words I can offer to help them with their loss except to let them know that I know what they feel in their hearts and they are not alone. Continue to watch over them and appear to them in their dreams in vivid color so they know you are near and watching over them. You are a true hero and have not been forgotten.

Bob Gordon
Father of Michael P. Gordon, EOW: 8/8/04

December 13, 2007

The Absent One

As we gather at the table and watch each smiling face
The heart fills with emotion to see the vacant place.
We may strive to hide our longing in the midst of
Mirth and fun
But we're thinking, thinking, thinking of the loved-
The Absent One.
When we gather 'round the fireside with merry
Laughter and jest
How we wish the absent dear one was here with
All the rest.
Still we join in all the frolic, but we wish the day was done
For we're thinking, thinking, thinking of the loved-
The Absent One.
Yet when the day is over and they all have gone to
Rest
We feel the Heavenly Father does all things for the
Best
So we cheer our drooping spirits with the rising
Of the sun
But we're thinking, thinking, thinking of the loved-
The Absent One. author unknown

Lynn Kole
Bellingham, WA

December 13, 2007

After reading all the reflections, I can feel the pain and loss from your family and friends. On this 4th anniversary of your EOW, please watch over them during these rough Holidays, you are gone, but not forgotten. Thank you for your service to Mishawaka, you are a True Hero.

Craig Figgins
Brother - SGT Dan Figgins St Charles, IL EOW 4/9/05

December 13, 2007

Juli,

I am thinking of you today. I have said before how much I admire your strength and how you get your voice out there. I never had the privilege of meeting Bryan but, knowing you, I know he was a wonderful person. Bryan, thank you for serving and continuing to watch over Juli.

Shannon
friend

December 13, 2007

Officer Verkler,
Today is the fourth anniversary of your EOW. As the holidays approach, may you enjoy your fifth Christmas in heaven. Your loved ones, friends, department and grateful citizens everywhere will be honoring your legacy today and will continue to do so forever.

Pennsylvania citizen

December 13, 2007

Bryan,

Thinking of you and your family on this day. They will continue to be in my heart and prayers.

Always,
Christine

Christine Parr

December 13, 2007

Remembering a hero! To Juli, Bryan and Family

You are always in our prayers and thoughts! I am so so
sorry this has happened!

December 13, 2007

"What can you do with sorrow and grief? You can accept them into your life the way water is accepted into the ground and taken up by a tree. Let these emotions become a part of your life without asking why. Accept life and death, experience the rituals of grief and sorrow, and free yourself to live. Grief and sorrow bring forth the tears that are the water the soul needs to survive. If you feel no sorrow and no grief, you will dry up and wither away as the tree does in a time of drought."

Bernie S. Siegel

December 12, 2007

Still think of you and your family everyday. Still remembering and honoring you. Walkerton will never forget. May God be with your family and peace be with all of us.

Wife of LEO

December 12, 2007

Jules,

I couldn't wait until the 13th to leave you a message here. Not only is the 13th of December hard for you, but I know that the 13th of every month is hard for you and I wish I could take away your heartache.

I can guarantee that Bryan is extremely proud of you and what you have accomplished since his death. He may be your shining star shining brightly on you from Heaven, but to those whose lives you have touched here on earth, you are their shining star.

Love and hugs too you always!

Jenn

December 10, 2007

Going to Torrey Pines today meant so much to me. I thought about you every minute I was at the ocean and I even wrote our initials in the sand. I love you so much. I can't believe that in six days it will be four years. Is that possible? I haven't accomplished so much of what I had hoped I would. If only we could go back in time and change events, I would. Our children would have been so beautiful and so athletic and gifted. When I go to the YMCA and I see the gymnasts and the cheerleaders practicing their throws, I only think of our daughter that we never had, flipping, twirling, tumbling, and vaulting her way to the nearest Olympics. Remember that conversation?

I love you my dearest husband....

December 7, 2007

You are remembered today and thank you Sir for your service

vandenberghe
manchester, nh

December 7, 2007

May the beautiful memories you have of your husband get
you through this time of the year. I know this month and
January are the most painful, but you have made it through
the toughest times. Know your thought about all the time and no one can ever know your pain unless you have lost a soul mate! Those of us who do not know only wish you less
pain and hope that as the years pass you can find some
happiness again.

December 3, 2007

Honey~
This time of year is so, so very difficult. I know that it comes at the same time every year, but it doesn't change the fact that the feelings of loss, grief and mourning that are always there within me, really seem to erupt even more so than normal. The neighbors have their Christmas lights up already and just seeing those lights place a feeling within me that I cannot describe. The feeling just brings back so many memories of us, preparing for our First Christmas as a married couple, in our first home. I often think of us going to cut down our tree together. After you cut the tree down, you just picked it up and slung it over your shoulders like it weighed nothing. My mom was cleaning some of her cards from her closet the other day, and she came across the card that we sent her 11/30/03. It was amazing to think that I was really on top of things that year, sending out Christmas cards before December 1st!! Ha ha! I had told her how excited we were to have her home for Christmas. You never even got to see our wedding pictures, as she was bringing those with her when she came. Instead of coming for a happy visit, she came home earlier than expected for your funeral.

The other day, I saw a Sheriff's car, and I just started crying for no reason. I remember when you were thinking and making your decision to leave the County or go to Mishawaka. I have every note that you ever wrote, but I remember that note in particular. The only advice that I had for you was to do what would make you the happiest, and you really wanted to patrol the streets. Often times, I wonder about that note. I wonder if things really do happen the way they are supposed to, or do circumstances just unfold randomly within the Universe? All I can say is, I do often think about what our lives were like, especially this time of year. I wonder if we would have been blessed with children and I often wonder if we would have moved to a house in the County, like we talked about, with a big yard and lots of room for our children to run.

I miss you B. and I love you so very much!

November 26, 2007

My thoughts are with your loved ones during this holiday season, especially during December with your EOW date and Christmas. All days during the year are hard but I know the month of December is especially hard on your wife. Today I decorated the outside of my home with all blue lights and one of those lights has been assigned to you and will be lit every night from now until New Years as a tribute to your heroism and to let you know you have not been forgotten. Continue to keep watch over your loved ones and those still out on patrol.

Bob Gordon
Father of Michael P. Gordon, EOW: 8/8/04

November 25, 2007

Forever In My Heart

A million times I've needed you
A million times I've cried.
If love alone could have saved you
You never would have died.


In life I loved you dearly
In death I love you still.
In my heart you hold a place
no one can ever fill.


It broke my heart to lose you
but you did not go alone.
A part of me went with you
the day God called you home.


Your precious memory is my keepsake
with which I'll never part.
God has you safely in his keeping
But I have you forever in my heart.

~ Author unknown ~

November 23, 2007

I Only Wanted You

If I could have a lifetime wish, a dream that would come true

I'd pray to God with all my heart, for yesterday and for you

A thousand words won't bring you back, I know because I've tried

And neither will a thousand tears I know because I've cried

You've left behind my broken heart, and happy memories too

But the worst part is that I never wanted memories, I only wanted you

November 23, 2007

Happy Thanksgiving in Heaven =) I bet it must be awsome =)
Juli I hope you can endure these next couple of months and enjoy the beautiful memories you have of Bryan.

November 21, 2007

Juli,
So many times I wanted to leave a reflection but couldn't quite put down the words I wanted to say.

My husband and I have been residents of Mishawaka for about 3 1/2 years now. Recently, I had a situation where I had to contact the Mishawaka Police Department. An officer was at my home within minutes (even though it was a non-emergency). As I was talking to him, I noticed that he had written on his hand information concerning my call and address. I remembered from your reflections that Bryan had done the same thing. It brought a tear to my eye and I mentioned it to the officer. He cleared his throat and said "yes, we lost two dedicated officers, we miss them everyday".

I often visit the memorial at the police station with my grandchildren (ages 2 1/2 & 1 1/2) and had the pleasure of meeting Deb. It is extremely important to me that my grandchildren know that they are protected and what price that protection costs.

Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you and all the other families that have had to make the ultimate sacrifice. I am so sorry for your loss! We will not forget and obviously the Mishawaka Police Department won't either.

KATHY
GREATFUL MISHAWAKA RESIDENT

November 21, 2007