Family, Friends & Fellow Officers Remember...

Well...here I am again. I wanted to type this before my emotions get the best of me....I am trying very hard not to think about the fact that tomorrow is start of my unofficial "countdown". It's not the traditional, happy, & overzealous countdown until Christmas either. It is the dreaded EOW.

I try not to remember the events of that night or the how's, what's, when's, where's or WHY's bc in the end it will only drive me insane. What I can only try to control is my reaction to all of it. In that choosing, I choose to remember US. The US of when we first met, how I saw your smile for the first time & knew that I had already fallen in love with you..HARD....but I barely knew you for < 1 hour...for our amazing honeymoon trip to the Kern mountains, of US fly fishing for our first time, of US taking video with that big HUGE camera.....holy cow you wouldn't believe how much has changed in the world since you've been gone. This all leads me to my last & most least part of remembering the EOW...& the sudden, horrific, & tragic loss of you. I will try to always dwell on the positive of what we had, & not concentrate on how you were taken from me. This world has always been a cruel, disruptive & calloused place....but on 12/13....the world suddenly STOPPED spinning on its axis for me.....someone had taken away our US.

The story of US was not supposed to end that way. WE would be sending our kids off to college, dealing with looking "old", & laughing hysterically at one of our 1000's of inside jokes. The story of US is the one of us looking up on Silver Strand beach in La Jolla at the fireworks at the Del that weren't exactly for US & our wedding party....but we pretended it was for US anyway. Here's to the US that got to eat our wedding cake out of the freezer a few weeks after the wedding instead of waiting a whole year so I would have to defrost the cake & stare at it forever....because we were never even allowed to celebrate one FULL year of being married together. I cannot believe it will be 20 years....but let me tell you...it has felt like 200! I miss you still like I did then.

Time never heals all wounds....that's a farce that someone came up with so they could tell it to ppl at funerals......Time doesn't heal the old wounds. It just causes a massive shrinkage of the muscle that once knew love via muscle memory. It causes atrophy, & then sudden death. The scars are intricately woven around what is left of my broken, shattered, & macerated heart....here I am....there YOU are. WE should never have been separated that is for sure.

Until we meet again My Love....

I love you now & forever more,
Your Wife

November 30, 2023

So much time has passed since I have.....seen your eyes lock with mine,
since I have held your hand,
seen your beautiful smile, &
since I have felt your arms wrapped around me.

I still feel your love around me every day....whether that is in the "signs" that you send me, or in the "gut feelings" that I frequently possess. I just miss US if that makes sense. Never on an Earthly plane would I have imagined the warmth, happiness, safety & gratefulness that I have simply from the fact that we were able to meet, to fall in love & get married. My only complaint would be that we didn't get nearly long enough. The hole in my heart that exists simply from missing you will never completely nor wholly heal. A part of us will always be linked inevitably & inextricably.

By now, our oldest "twins" would be sophmores in college, and we would probably only have one more kid to graduate at this point....but we will never know what our children would have looked like, or how much of our athletic talent that he or she would have inherited. All I know is that they would have been raised right. By US : )

It truly is a shame that all of the best ppl on Earth are taken far too soon...I wish that our forever could have truly been such....maybe next time around...until then...

Love,
Your Wife

September 7, 2022

It has been awhile since I have been here to leave a reflection. I know your loved ones think of you every day and relive bad and good memories. Something always seems to bring their thoughts about you, such as a photograph or a happy memory that will bring a smile to their face., You have not been forgotten and never will. Continue to keep watch over all of your lived ones, let them feel your presence so they know you are near.

"Many things have been forgotten since you left us,
But you will never be one of the forgotten." Author Unknown

Robert Gordon, Ret. DC, Riverside PD, IL
Father of Officer Michael P. Gordon, EOW: 8/8/04

July 4, 2022

Bryan,
It is hard to describe everything that has happened in the last 18 years. First of all, I know you have seen & watched over all of us, so I am grateful & thankful that love transcends death. The night that you were taken from us is one I would rather not remember, but of course it is impossible to forget. Our lives, as we knew them, were irrevocably shaken to an absolute standstill. Every hope, every dream, & everything that we dreamt of was gone in seconds. Instead of focusing on the violence, the loss & the grief, I have made the choice over the years to totally rebuild myself, my life & to make it the best that I can. I think I’m probably doing better than what everyone predicted after you died. That isn’t the most important part though….the most important part is that no matter what anyone says, does, or thinks, I will continue to do what I’ve always done best…I’ll love, honor & continue to uphold your memory…ALWAYS & FOREVER.

Love,
Juli

December 13, 2021

A little late to post...but you’re never far from my mind. On 5/17, we passed a our 18th anniversary milestone, but unfortunately I had to pass the day without you. I often wonder what our lives would have looked like now, if 12/13 had never occurred. I do wish you would have been off that night like you were supposed to be. There was never supposed to be a “me” without a “we” as you liked to say. Anyway, I thought I would drop by your reflections because it has been a while. I love you & miss you very much.

Happy Anniversary
J

May 24, 2021

Rest in peace always knowing that your service and sacrifice will never, ever be forgotten by your law enforcement brethren.

Detective Cpl/3 Steven Rizzo
Delaware State Police (Retired)

December 13, 2020

It is an unprecedented time that we are living in now. I want to go back to the way things were when you were alive. None of this seems real lately.....life never really turns out the way we plan, does it? I guess maybe it does for some (maybe even most) people, however, it didn't for us. Maybe someday we will finally get our house full of kids, football games, gymnastic meets and Olympic dreams....on the Other Side. I hope that I can see you sooner rather than later, because quite frankly, this world is getting old.
I love you

JLV

March 15, 2020

Brian, you were a giant among men (physically and emotionally) There is not a day that goes by when I do not think of you. My heart still breaks for your family. Please look out for your fellow officers from Heaven. In the words of Sgt. Phil Esterhaus of Hill Street Blues... "Let's be careful out there!"

Connie J Swanson
Family friend

December 31, 2019

Rest in peace Patrolman Verkler.

Rabbi Lewis S. Davis

September 5, 2019

There are some days when it seems easier, and some days when it seems more difficult. I feel like I should write a book about "things people say to you when your husband dies." I think I could pretty easily fill a few chapters. Even though life didn't turn out the way we wanted, we are still forced to make the best of every situation. For some, that means immersing yourself in work. For others, it is finding a renewed sense of self, rebuilding who you are from the ground up, & just hoping that maybe you will find some semblance of sense in the world the way it is now. We don't get to pick and choose everything in life, many times life is just about how you deal with the curve ball of loss. There is not a day that goes by that I don't miss you. One of the best things about our relationship was that we were best friends and a mental telepathy that not many ppl experience. SO many times I would look at you, catch your eye & know EXACTLY what you were thinking. Someone once told me that I was basically a female version of you. We did have so much in common. Someone else told me that on the first day of my 3 day stretch at the hospital, you were ok, but were pretty antsy. They said day 2/3, you were chewing a little bit more, and by day 3, you were smoking like a chimney : ) (ha ha). I laughed SO hard when I heard this because we were never apart for more than a few days at a time. Being away from each other used to make us both so anxious. It's literally insane that only seven and a half months after we were married that we would be faced with being separated permanently. That's the crazy thing about death....it's literally permanent. There is no such thing as "visiting hours" & I will never get a weekend pass. Death is so final. I wish we would have had more time. I would have loved to continue to have you love me for the rest of my life.

Miss You & Love You
J

August 2, 2019

Stopped in to say you have not been forgotten. Fifteen years have passed since you were called away and I know many personal events have taken place without you being there, but you were there in spirit I'm sure. Continue to keep watch over all of your loved ones, protect them as they continue on in life. You will never be forgotten by those that love you dearly.

"I heard someone whisper your name behind me. When I turned around to see who it was, I found myself alone. Then I knew, it was my heart missing you." Author Unknown

Bob Gordon
Father of Fallen Officer: Michael P. Gordon, EOW: 8/8/04

December 27, 2018

15 years. So long ago......so much has happened since you've been gone. Wish things could have been different, but we all know what you used to say about wishes.

Love you,
Your Wife

December 13, 2018

I still think about how different things would be if you were still here. I know my dad and my grandma both miss you so very much. Even though I was too young to remember you, I still wish you were here. I wish you could've seen me grow up. I wish you were still here so I didn't only have to hear the stories about you, but actually be able to talk to you in person. I'll be 15 in october. 3 months after my birthday will be december. And that'll mark 15 years since you've been gone.. I wish you were here. I love you and wish you were here..

Kendalle Verkler
niece

August 5, 2018

I drove past your street the other day and thought of you. I know you are watching over everyone. Please watch over Juli and the guys. You are missed.

Tracie B.
Friend

December 13, 2017

With the passing of your 13th EOW, there were a lot of emotions that I experienced. I am certain you are missed by so many, but I know that my life will never be the same. The holidays have never been the same these last 13 years. I miss the children we never were able to raise, the years of anniversary celebrations and of course our return to the Hotel del that we said we would do on our one year anniversary. With great love, there is great loss.

Love
J

December 20, 2016

Hey B

Please watch over everyone today and ease their pain, as they reflect on memories of you. I know you would be so happy for your friends and all of their accomplishments in life. You are missed every day.

Tracie B
Friend

December 13, 2016

i love you and miss you
i can't wait to see you again someday soon

Until we meet again my Love

July 22, 2016

You are never forgotten

Mrs J S
MPD

July 17, 2016

The Cops Cycling for Survivors came into town yesterday. Every year it is such an awesome experience to watch the cyclists ride in. It is such a tribute to all of the officers killed in the LOD as they ride throughout the state and honor all of the law enforcement survivors. They are all amazing officers with hearts of gold. Many of them take their whole vacation time off to ride each year. It truly brings me to tears to see them ride in and ride out every year.

I wonder what our lives would be like every day. I miss you and love you SO VERY MUCH! I will continue to carry on your legacy every day with my thoughts, words and my deeds.

Until we meet again my Love
Bryan's Wife

July 16, 2016

12.5 years. Wow....how did I get here? Is this possible? Everyone used to tell me there would be a "new normal" after you died but I really don't know that that statement is entirely accurate. I know that life will never be the way that it is "supposed" to be. I always dream of our family, our home, our hockey/football weekends and everything we would have endured together had you been allowed to live through 12/13. In reality, you never should have died. Knowing this doesn't make life any easier, just harder. The world has gone mad since you've been gone, but I think you have given me your gift of hypervigilence. I wish you could see all that I have done but that is a conversation we can have when I get to be gloriously reunited with you. Until then, I do my best. I miss you with all of my heart, body, mind and spirit. My soul became so empty after you died. I left all of our hopes and old dreams behind many years ago, because sometimes, dreams just DON'T COME TRUE.
I love you forever B

I miss you more each day
Your Wife

June 13, 2016

I am so grateful for the love that you showed me while you were alive. It is a constant reminder of the person I was and the future is incredibly bright because I have not settled. I haven't settled for anyone that doesn't take time to get to know the "real" me and love me for my quirks, my annoyances and my faults. Thank you for showing me the way. Your signs and messages to me are both amazing and remarkable.

ILY Mrs. Juli
V

March 16, 2015

Juli, thinking of you and Bryan and reading some of your reflections. What an amazing love you all had.

Linda Rittenhouse
Matt's mom eow 9/16/2004

December 26, 2014

Today marked your 11th EOW date. It is so hard to believe that that much time has passed. I am not exactly where I thought I would be, but I have learned that there is no time frame, no protocol nor SOP for grief and loss. I have also come to the realization that it is best to be thankful for the people that love me. I am grateful to those that stand by and support me throughout the good times and the bad. I will forever miss your love, friendship, jokes, and the fact that you were always my #1 fan. I never had to question your loyalty or your motives. I am grateful for the time we had, but I often think about what our lives would've been like. Since we won't get to find out, I will just look forward to the time when we can once again be reunited. Until then, I think I still have a few RNs to teach :-)

ILY Mrs. Juli
V

December 14, 2014

Hey B...keep an extra eye on the guys today and give some extra comfort to Dumpy. You are still so missed.

Tracie

December 13, 2014

Approaching your 11 year EOW is never easy. The misconceptions that somehow time can erase or mend a broken heart is simply not true. Over the years I have had many people ask me if I knew what was going to happen, would I have changed my plans. The answer is 110% no...never...not for one instant. In the short amount of time that we were together you showed me what it was like to love and to be loved wholly and completely. You were not just my husband, but my best friend. The bond we had is unbreakable, and I will forever believe in love after death.
I miss you.

ILY
J.

November 17, 2014