Family, Friends & Fellow Officers Remember...

hey you

i can't write as much as i would like to right now because i have a ton of things due tomorrow. i am really getting frustrated with all of this schoolwork and other people's downright rude and condescending remarks. i am trying to remember what you would tell me...just let it go...who cares what they think, jess...
i could really use you here right now to say those very words...just so i could hear them come from your mouth into my ears. i miss you so much. i am trying to make you proud each and every day. i hope i'm succeeding. i miss you bunches and bunches baby. keep protecting me like i know you have been. eye luv u.

jess

February 21, 2005

hi again coley woley

well i saw today that another GA officer has joined you in Heaven. i hope you show him around up there. be sure he still lets his loved ones know that he loves them. they will need it now more than ever.

i've had a very long day, but i get to teach in the morning, so that will make it all worth it! i found another song that captures my thoughts perfectly, so i'm going to post them to you.

EYE LUV U BABY!

Every now and then soft as breath upon my skin
I feel you come back again
And it’s like you haven’t been gone a moment from my side
Like the tears were never cried
Like the hands of time are holding you and me
And with all my heart I’m sure we’re closer than we ever were
I don’t have to hear or see, I’ve got all the proof I need
There are more than angels watching over me
I believe, I believe

That when you die your life goes on
It doesn’t end here when you’re gone
Every soul is filled with light
It never ends and if I’m right
Our love can even reach across eternity
I believe, I believe

Forever, you’re a part of me
Forever, in the heart of me
And I’ll hold you even longer if I can
The people who don’t see the most
Say that I believe in ghosts
And if that makes me crazy, then I am
‘Cause I believe
~Diamond Rio

jess

February 16, 2005

happy day-after-valentine's day!
haha! i know i'm a big dork, but that's why you loved me, right?!?
well i survived yet another day without you down here...another happy, sappy holiday that is supposed to be so full of love and wonderful memories. i did have a pretty good one...a lot of my girlfriends gave me valentine's and we even got together for dinner and some movies. of course nothing is the same, though. nothing can replace you or the love and happiness you brought to my life. i am just resting in the Lord day after day knowing that He is the ultimate provider of that love...a love no one else can give me. i have been thinking back a lot lately about how things went right after you had to leave. i was so lost and confused and hurt and somehow even mad at you and myself and practically everyone else around me. every single day i wondered how i would make it through the next 5 minutes, and at night i would sleep on the couch and wonder how much longer i would have to live like this. it seemed that there was no end to the tears and no way i could ever think of you and smile. there are still those days. you see me down here...crying, calling out for you, and feeling so desperately lost and hopeless. i am so glad that i can now recall some things, though, and they bring a smile through the tears. those are the best days...the ones where i can remember something funny you said or did. it makes me feel like you are alive again, laughing with me. i remember our last valentine's day together...gosh, 2 years ago now. we didn't do anything "special" for one another because you had to work and of course i was in class. you still called and you felt so bad that we couldn't be together. we both decided that we would just spend the entire weekend together to make up for it. i'm pretty sure that was one of your weekends off. anyway it doesn't really matter what we did or what we said to one another. all that mattered was that we loved each other. that was what was most important to the 2 of us. i DO remember you telling me that we would have a bazillion more valentine's days to buy each other things and to spend together. if only i had known it would be our last...
i still struggle with the question that people ask most often--how are you doing? well, the answer still stands i suppose. i'm alive. much more than that, they don't really want to know what it feels like in my heart. sure i put on a happy face and i go about my business. but it still hurts so deeply...the pain is so fresh. it just jabs you and sometimes takes the breath right out of your lungs like you've fallen out of a chair or something (like i'm so talented at doing!). i still don't feel like i'm "ready" to "move on"...maybe it'll come one day and i'll know that the time is right. but for now, it's not. maybe my response should be "i'm healing" because that's true. it's a slow process, and sometimes the scab gets ripped off only to start bleeding all over again. that's the funny thing about grief. everyone says it's this "process"...well if it is, it's a recursive one at that. there are no 5-steps to regaining happiness or normalcy. slowly but surely different areas of my life are falling into place. i am just so thankful that i have something eternal to get me through it all. i don't really know how i have made it this far, but i know that i will continue to go a few more steps every so often (and then go back some). knowing that you hear me when i talk to you and are watching over me every moment helps me through some of it.
i cannot imagine what everyone else who loves you deals with. i know we all share the pain, but it's different to each of us because our relationships were different. i do know one thing for sure. you were so loved by all of us. you can count on that. i hope that i can be a better person because of you and maybe in some strange ways can help other people who may be in similar situations. either way, i know you are with me always.

EYE LUV U
j

jess

February 15, 2005

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY BABY!

well, as another one approaches and i am alone, all i can do is think back to the happy times we had that we sooooo full of love. while our love will last forever regardless of who or what comes and goes, it is still heartbreaking to be here without you. i still feel you with me. i can't wait until i get to see you again! i just pray that God will give me and all the other survivors out there the strength to make it through yet another day without our babies. eye luv u thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis much!

j

jess babe

February 14, 2005

Jess,
Tomorrow, I will be praying extra hard for you, as Valentine's Day is the day of love. Josh & I loved the entire chapter of 1 Corinthians 13, because it was the perfect description of true love--the true love Josh & Kelly shared, as did Cole & Jess. Cole is with you always, Jess. He is in your heart forever, never to be removed--I know that because it is the same way I feel about Josh.

Jeremiah 29:11 says "'For I know the plans that I have for you', declares the LORD, 'plans for peace, and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope". The LORD has plans for both of us, Jess. He has already given us the hope of seeing Josh and Cole again one day. The LORD will continue to strengthen you with peace & hope, as you live each day without Cole, just as He will do for me with Josh. Continue to rely on the LORD, as you have faithfully been doing. I am here for you always--we will take each day as it comes, together.

Happy Valentine's Day to Cole & Jess.

Love,
Kelly

Kelly Gillain
Josh's Girl

February 13, 2005

heyyyyyyyy there baby!!

well i hope you know that i've been thinking about you all weekend long. i went to visit kara for a bit...you remember her! it was so great to catch up and just be in a different environment for a change. school is still as crazy as before. i don't think it's going to get any easier until the semester is over! haha! i am trudging along. those kids of mine are so encouraging. every time i get a hug from one of them, i know you are sending them my way to encourage me and lift my spirits. they are what keeps me focused and reminded that it will all be worth it in the end.

it's hard to believe that it is so close to being 2 years since the day you left us. some days it feels like you have been gone for an eternity...like it's been decades since i felt your touch and heard your voice. but others...others it seems like it was just yesterday that you were tossin me up on your shoulders or telling me that everything would be okay. gosh, how i miss those words with you. the late night conversations as i lay in bed half-asleep counting the number of times you'd say "i love you" in one call. everybody used to laugh at us. they thought it was crazy. but i treasure that more than anything. knowing that our love was real, and that NO ONE and NOTHING can take that away from me. nowadays, i hear the "i love yous" in different ways other than from your voice. i know you are sending people my way so that i can keep your memory alive and help others through this tragic experience. i will make it through this life to see you again someday, cole. i will never stop trying. just remember how much i loved you then and still love you to this day. the memories of "jess and cole" will never fade from my heart. for some reason today, i have just been drawn to the love verse constantly. it keeps coming to my mind, and at least i have some comfort in knowing that our love is eternal, neverending. EYE LUV U

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not selfseeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
~1 cor 13:4-8

jessi

February 13, 2005

Jessie,

I contact GA-COPS and asked them to forward my email address to you, if you haven't heard anything please contact your president. I would love to hear from you other than on Scott's page. It's nice to have the messages, but it's caused some stir for some reason or another.

I hope all is well with you and Cole's family. Cole's love is there for all of you. He's with everyone who loves him, and loving him even though he is not here is the greatest gift you all can give him.

He's still beating in all of your hearts.

Hugs,
Monica

February 13, 2005

Jessi,
I got the message you left on Steve's page. I want to thank you SO very much for your words of encouragement. It helps when someone has gone through something similar, you understand the pain in my heart, as I do yours!! I just read Cole's page, it made me cry. Isn't it incredible how you can love someone so much, even when they are gone? I feel I love Steve more everyday. I miss him dearly as I know you do Cole. I would love to be able to contact you, yet I have no idea how to do that. Any ideas?
Well, I wish you a wonderful day! Just know that I understand your pain. You are in my prayers! Thanks again for your caring words! It means a lot to me!! Hang in there!
God has you in HIS hands!!
Kristi
Girlfriend of CHP Officer Steve Linen

Kristi Robinson
Steve's girlfriend

February 13, 2005

g'morning baby!
i'm up bright and early so i can go teach my 4th graders! we are doing a math lesson today! i just wanted to tell you thanks for being my guardian angel and sending me some awesome friends to walk with me on this journey called life. luv u!

j

Jessi
Fiancee

February 10, 2005

2 Corinthians 1:3-10 has been a tremendous blessing to my soul. Thank you, Jessi, for posting this verse. The Lord truly is the God of all comfort. He never promised us that life would be easy, but He did promise us that we would never be alone--we always have Christ. It is an unexplainable peace to know that your Cole and my Josh are in heaven, because of the decision they made to receive Christ when they were living on earth. Knowing where they are provides me with so much comfort.

Josh had a life verse that he kept close to heart every day as he lived for Jesus. It was 1 Corinthians 13:11-12. The verse as a whole new meaning to me now, because Josh & Cole no longer see in a mirror dimly, they see Christ face to face, and they KNOW Him, and they are KNOWN by Him. Josh's life verse is now an incredible reality for him, as it is for Cole. They are with Jesus---that is truly awesome and amazing! I am encouraged by this truth.

I sent an e-mail to Cole's agency about trying to contact you and I also sent an e-mail to COPS about contacting you & Monica. I'm waiting to hear back from them. I hope that we can all find a way to get in touch with each other, so that we can support one another on a more personal level. You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. Take care, Jess.

God bless,
Kel

Kelly Gillain
Josh's Girl

February 9, 2005

Jessi,
As always, thank you for your words of encouragement and for keeping all of us "survivors" in your prayers. I can't think of a better word to describe what we all have become, other than "SURVIVORS". My love for Josh continues to grow with each day that we are apart, as I know your love for Cole does the same. I feel as though you and I are now kindred spirits, and I know that Josh & Cole would be happy that we found each other and can help each other through our tragedies.

I was also contacted by a staff person from ODMP, but they were not able to give me any contact information. I don't know how to get in contact with you, but I hope that we can find a way. I am thinking of you and praying for you. Take care.

God bless,
Kel

Kelly Gillain
Josh's Girl

February 8, 2005

Jessie,

Thank you for leaving the messege. I don't know how to do it, but we'll find a way to contact each other.

Keep your head up,
Hugs,
Monica
Fiancee Scott Stewart EOW 8-11-02

MonMidg
yah

February 8, 2005

Cole,
I can tell that you are up there watching over us. Some of the things we have got into the last couple months and have always come out on top. I only wish that you were still here to help us I know you would be right there in the middle of everything with me. You always had my back and I will never forget you. Please just keep watching over us, we all miss you.

Sergeant Joshua Etheridge
Chatsworth Police Department

February 6, 2005

Jessi,

You can contact me any time so that we can get in contact with each other. I look forward to hearing from you.

~Kelly

Kelly Gillain
Josh's Girl

February 6, 2005

Jessie

I understand all your pain. I wish there was some way to reach out. I've put together a group board for significant others on ya but I don't know how to get the officer down site out to everyone. There is a lot of us out there, but we don't have a way to communicate.

Ever since you left the message on my board I peep into yours. I've noticed you do the same. I love that poem.

I brought a stamp with the first verse to do one of Scott's collage's at the funeral.

Cole is watching over you and I know he must be very proud with you. Your love will never end. As long as your heart beats Cole is with you and when it stops beating you'll be with him.

Hugs,
Monica
Fiancee
Scott Stewart 8-11-02

February 6, 2005

hey babe...
i can't help but write to you again. somehow it makes me feel as if i am actually talking to you...i know it sounds crazy, but i guess that's what losing you has done to me. i have had a pretty good weekend except for the fact that all i can think about is you and that you are not here. i'm trying to go out and do things with friends, but at night all i think about is how alone i am. i know deep down inside that you are always here....that you are watching over me...i still just want you right here, though. i want back the life that we were supposed to have. i know that things happen for a reason...i've heard it a million times. i've even told other people that myself. but, it is sooo hard. i still wait for you to call me and tell me that this was all just a big, bad dream. but of course i know that's not true either. i just want to get away from the pain. it cuts so deep...constantly...never ceasing. i feel so wrong in carrying on with my life just like nothing has changed. of course things have changed. losing you has made me who i am today...hopefully a little stronger, wiser, and more loving. please don't ever doubt my love for you. you will always be in my heart. i miss you like crazy. by the way, have you met miss may yet? we used to talk about you when we first started dating. i can remember it like it was yesterday...of course that was nearly 7 years ago now. she would always ask me if you had kissed me yet...and of course i'd shake my head. and then one day you kissed my forehead and i thought it was the greatest thing in the world. i'll never forget that day at school as i was standing in the hall and you cut around that corner so big and strong and confident. and what was my smooth line?..."i smelled you coming!" i was a smooth one, huh, baby! it didn't matter to you, though, did it!?!?! haha! you still asked me out to eat with you. man...what i wouldn't give to go back to those days when i still had you. i hope you are doing a good job up in Heaven. i know you are watching over us all...not just me, but everyone who loves you.
eye luv u baby allways and forever,
jess

Jessi

February 5, 2005

Jessi,

If ever you want to talk about Cole with anyone, I am always here. So many of us young ladies have lost our one and only true love, and I think it's important for us to be there for one another. When I read some of the postings for Cole, I received a sense of peace that he is in heaven with the Lord. I bet that your Cole and my Josh are sharing all kinds of stories with each other, in heaven, as they wait on us to arrive. Jessi, please feel free to contact me if you ever want to talk. You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.

God bless,

Kelly

Kelly Gillain
Special Someone to Sheriff Deputy Joshua Blyler E.O.W. 5/2/04

February 5, 2005

Jessi,

I am sorry for your loss of your love. Cole. I know and understand your pain. I feel the pain of losing my Josh every day. We met when I was 14 years old and began dating just 3 months after I turned 16. He was my world and I will love him forever. The memories I have of him are overflowing--our engagement night and so much more. I know that there are an abundant of wonderful memories that you and Cole shared, as well. I know that there aren't any words that I can say to take the pain of losing Cole away. I have come to understand that you never get over pain like this; you simply learn to deal with the pain--it becomes a part of who you are.

Remember that you are not alone--I know that you have faced many difficult days. I will keep you in my prayers. Reflect on all of your wonderful memories with Cole, especially the love you shared. You are in my thoughts. Take care.

God bless,

Kelly

Kelly Gillain
Special Someone to Deputy Sheriff Joshua Blyler, E.O.W. 5/2/04

February 4, 2005

Jesse
I just wanted to say Thank you for leaving a reflection on my nephews .I went to Cole's to read it and was touched by how much you miss him and how you still write and are trying to help others deal with the pain.Your right about if it wasn,t for the Lord how would you get through it you would'nt be cuase even with him it is still very hard.I watched my sister and brother-inlaw at Chirtmas and they were so sad and it just will never be the same .Alot of hurt has come with Josh's death from friends they thought they had and I only hope that some day the pain will become less for them.Take care and keep in touch.
Candy Smith aunt of Joshua Blyler
May 2.2004

February 4, 2005

hey you,
i was driving to class today listening to the radio like i always do. this song came on...i've heard it a million times before. something was telling me to really listen to the words. and instantly, i thought of you. it's been so hard lately, cole...just to make it through the days without you. the Lord has been so faithful in giving me strength and allowing me to rest in Him. eye luv u baby...here's a song to you:

"You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

In Christ, there are no goodbye
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again"
~Mercy Me, "Homesick"

jessi
your one and only

February 2, 2005

Well you know me...I've been looking at other officers' pages, and I found this poem...it was always one of my favorite. You must have a lot of friends up there, babe. I know you are loving all the cop stories...all the adventures and chases and wrestling matches. But I miss you down here. I was just sitting here thinking (well, I'm actually trying to study for tomorrow's literacy test, but thoughts of you keep flooding my mind) and I can't help but laugh. You always could make me laugh...even if I was crying...you had that way about you. Anyway, remember shortly after you got out of the Academy and you got into that chase. My gosh, you had me terrified when you called to tell me about it. You even lost your baton...that brand new baton! HAHA! You were so mad about that! You even had to go back out and look for it. Good thing you had a flashlight! And I remember you telling me that horrible horrible night that you wrote your first speeding ticket. Gosh, Cole, I could HEAR your smile! It was so amazing. Nothing made me happier than knowing you were happy. Maybe I should be happy now, because I know you are in Paradise. It's hard...really hard. Sometimes I wonder how you would have dealt with it if we had switched places. I hope I am making you proud. One day at a time, baby, one day at a time. I'm trying to keep your words in my mind to get me through all of this. I just had another memory! (This is so awesome, because since you've been gone, I have a really hard time remembering a lot of things. Maybe it's too painful.) I remember riding down Walnut Ave. with Amanda and you were in the back of Tim's car....you hang half your body out of that little window to wave at me!! You were so crazy! I love you just as much now as I did the day you had to leave. By the way, I hope God is putting you to work. If I have to keep truckin along down here, you do too buster! ;P EYE LUV U BABY!!
How do I love thee ? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of everyday's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints,--I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life !--and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

Jessi
Fiancee

February 1, 2005

happy friday, babe! i hope it's warmer in Heaven than it is down here! they are calling for ice and everything. i am hoping they will cancel classes on monday! haha! i just got an e-mail with this and wanted to post it to you:

I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright.
I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more.
I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive.
I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger.
I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.
I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye.

Thank you Cole, for sending me sunshine, both literally, in your own little ways and through all the people who have helped make my days a little bit brighter while i wait to see you again.
Thanks for the rain and the hard days so that I remember you even more.
Thanks for all of our time together, so full of life and smiles and hugs and kisses, so that I have my memories to hold me through the rough days.
I won't say thank you for leaving, but thank God for giving you to me every single day so that I know what it's like to truly love and be loved.
Thank you for all your encouragement and support while you were here, and still to this day, so that I am strong enough to make it through all of this while you are away from me.
I don't think that I could ever have enough hellos, "i love you"'s, bear hugs, wrestling matches, "i miss you"'s, "marry me"'s, or anything else to get me through our final good-bye, because ours isn't final. i know i will see you again one day. i just hope that you know how much you were loved down here and how much more you are now and always will be.
eye luv u forever and always in all ways,
j

jess

January 28, 2005

well it's me again. i'm sure you are tired of hearing from me. you know i can talk a lot. as if it's not good enough that i talk to you all day long, i leave you messages on here, too! that just means that i love you extra bunches!! i've just had an awful week to be totally honest. i guess in reality it hasn't been that bad...i don't know. i guess it's just been really weird. i am so extremely overwhelmed with all my schoolwork and projects. i just don't know how i'm going to get it all done. cole, i know that it will all be worth it when i am teaching my own little kiddos, but right now it seems nearly impossible. it is so hard going through all this without you here to listen and guide and support and encourage...and smile and hug...and love. i know you are always with me, but gosh i would much rather have you right here with me.

i am really extra fired up right now because of an assignment that we are doing in my science class. there is a book we are reading...which oddly enough is actually a philosophy book. anyway, we have to participate in an online blog. well one girl posted a thread about death and how we should discuss it with our children and all that stuff. well i hope you don't mind, but i used our little situation as an example. i just go so mad because sometimes discussing things like death in the middle of class is more than i can handle even at almost 21 years old. i can't imagine forcing young kids who may have experienced death already to discuss such issues. people just don't realize the impact that has. i told this girl that i have come home many a day crying because of what was discussed in college classes. and i know you have seen what britt has dealt with in the last 2 years at school with teachers trying to do what they think is right in discussing death and mortality. we've learned our lesson unfortunately. i know all too well what it is like to lose someone and i don't like it one single bit. i don't need to be told to see the positive in life or appreciate what i have. and i don't need to hear about how life is too short. i know that first-hand. i didn't get to live out my dreams with you. ughh...i'm sorry for griping at you, but i get so passionate about these things as you well know.

tomorrow is the big day for turning in my requests for student teaching placement. i guess we will see what happens. i will know something in april. i know that God will put me where i am supposed to be and where i will benefit those around me in the best way possible. i am really excited, but i'm very nervous too. i am just really missing you these days babe...especially as it gets closer and closer to my graduation. i know it is still over a year away, but it's creeping up. i never thought i would be able to make it to this point alone, and i have. i have many people to thank for that, but especially you for letting me know that you are still by my side just like you always were. eye luv u babe.

jessi

January 27, 2005

hey babe
i just got back from visiting another elementary school. it was really awesome, but i don't think it's the place for me to be next year. i have to decide which schools to put as my first and second choices for student teaching by friday. you know where i really WANT to be! anyway, classes are going really rough right now. it is all so overwhelming. on monday i have 5 lesson plans due plus a whole mound of stuff for another class. i will make it through, i'm sure, just because i'm stubborn like that and refuse to give up on something. i really miss you a lot. mom is going to put your mickey mouse cop back out by you the next time she goes out to visit. and i have another little surprise for you. of course you already know what it is because you can see it all from way up in Heaven. i hope you are doing ok up there. i know it's paradise and all but i wish that you were still here for me to take care of. thank you so much for connecting me with other girls in the same situation. (i know you had SOMETHING to do with it!) it's really great to be able to talk to people who actually understand how i feel...even if it's not the exact same scenario or relationship. geez do you see all my friends getting married, engaged, and having babies? that is one of the most difficult things to deal with. i know that all of this happened for a reason, but i can't figure it out just yet. well baby i gotta head to work. remember that eye luv u and i miss you more than i miss ben and jerry's ice cream ;P (now you KNOW that's big time missing right there!!) be good up there and patrol those streets baby...maybe you could lay off the handicap parking tickets though!! eye luv u and i'm thinking of you always.
jessibabe

jessi
fiancee

January 25, 2005

jessi,
thank you for responding to me. someone from the odmp contacted me about us talking to each other on our own emails. i told him it was fine to give you my email adress. i am sure he contacted you also. take care you are in my thoughts and prayers. hope to hear from you soon!

kirsten winterer girfriend of p.o. nick

January 22, 2005