Family, Friends & Fellow Officers Remember...

hey my baby,

well in exactly 2 weeks and 1 day, it will be 2 years...i cannot imagine. it was 2 years on friday since may went to heaven. i'm sure the 2 of you are having fun together up there. i wish i could say the same for what's going on down here. i just cannot fathom that you are gone. i mean, i guess the reality has been here for a while, but then again it is still so unreal that you are not ever going to call me or walk through the door or drive up or surprise me or anything. police week is coming up...just a month away. i hope that i can bring honor to your name and memory, angel. i will tell your story with pride and speak of the man who you were, and still are, to me. the things you stood for and the way you treated every soul you met. there are just so many things i wish i could say and ask and do...if only you were here. i know i can't live for the "what if's" nor can i continue to feel guilty for all i didn't tell you or do especially the night you were killed. it just hurts, cole. i just wish there was something i could've done. why couldn't i talk to you longer...actually wake up and talk to you. maybe things would be different. if only i would have known, cole....if only...

we can't go back to that time and place and i know that. i am making a promise to you right here and right now. i promise to live my life to the fullest doing what makes me happy and fulfilling whatever my purpose might be. i promise to do all i can to reflect your inspiration in my life and to honor our love forever and always. i promise to do what i think is right and to never forget the principles you stood for. most importantly, i promise to continue to try to carry on day by day, slowly i'm sure, because you wouldn't want me to sit here and cry that you are gone. i can't promise i won't cry....i know i will. sometimes the tears swell up in my heart and i have to let them out. otherwise, my heart might just explode. please help me keep these promises babe. come visit me in your dreams, and please cole let your mommy know that you are still with her always.

EYE LUV U

jessibabe

April 10, 2005

i haven't heard this song in a long while and this morning as thoughts of you were racing through my mind, it came on the radio. i'm still holding out for you, baby...till i see you again in Heaven. it's still so surreal especially as we get closer and closer to the 2-year mark. my heart just can't believe it. i miss you so much and i hope you felt loved by me every single day. i can't believe it had to be you that was taken, but just know that my love for you is still very alive. you are my hero, sunshine, inspiration, encouragement, strength, smile, rainbow after the storm, rock, motivating force, and more than anything else, the man i love and wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

SheDaisy's "Still Holding Out for You"

Never thought I'd be in this place
It's someone else's life I'm living
Wish I were living a lie
The hardest part is when the bough breaks
Falling down and then forgiving
You didn't even kiss me goodbye
I'm choking on the words I didn't get to say
And pray I get the chance one day

I still run
I still swing open the door
I still think you'll be there like before
Doesn't everybody out there know to never come around
Some things a heart won't listen to
I'm still holding out for you

I can hear ya smile in the dark
I can even feel you breathing
When daylight chases the ghost
I see your coat and I fall apart
To those hints of you I'm clinging
Now's when I need them most
I should get up, dry my eyes and move ahead
At least that's what he would have said

I still run
I still swing open the door
I still think you'll be there like before
Doesn't everybody out there know to never come around
Some things a heart won't listen to
I'm still holding out for you

Faithfully I trace your name while you sleep
It's the only true comfort I feel

I still run
I still swing open the door
I still think you'll be there like before
Doesn't everybody out there know to never come around
Some things a heart won't listen to
I'm still holding out for you
Holding out for you

jessi
your ONE and ONLY

April 8, 2005

If Heaven was an hour, It’d be twilight.
When the fireflies start dancin’ on the lawn.
And supper's on the stove and mamma’s laughin’
And everybody’s workin’ day is done.

If Heaven was a town it’d be my town
On a summer day in 1985.
And everything I wanted was out there waiting.
And everyone I loved was still alive

Chorus:
Don’t cry a tear for me now baby
There comes a time we must all say goodbye.
And if that’s what heavens made of
You know I’m not afraid to die.

If Heaven was a pie it'd be Cherry.
So cool and sweet and heavy on your tongue.
And just one bite would satisfy your hunger. And there’d always be enough for everyone

If Heaven was a train it'd sure be a fast one to take this weary traveler round the bend

And if Heaven was a tear it'd be my last one, And you’d be in my arms again

Chorus:
Don’t cry a tear for me now baby
There comes a time we must all say goodbye
And if that’s what heavens made of
You know I’m not afraid to die
"If Heaven" by Andy Griggs

April 7, 2005

love you baby...
thanks for helping me through this week, especially, i know you are up there even when i can't seem to feel your presence because the pain is so gut-wrenching.
i think i love you more now than i did the day you were taken. i keep being inspired by you and think to how you would handle different situations. you were right-our love has been so encouraging and will last forever and always.
a bunch of us are going to the police memorial ride that is coming up on the 23rd. my parents are coming, too!!!!

EYE LUV U COLE...have fun patrolling the streets of heaven--i'm so thankful that God blessed me with loving you.

j

April 6, 2005

good night angel...
keep your brothers in blue safe down here...
i sure do miss you!
i can't wait to see you again!
EYE LUV U

jess
your fiancee

April 3, 2005

hey baby...
well i was trying to sleep but that didn't work so well for me. i just finished reading a book that one of the other girls sent to me. it was really good and encouraging in a lot of ways but in other ways it has made me think a little too much for tonight. i just want you back by my side. yes, i know i will make it, but i don't WANT to. what i want is to have you back. the pain is worse than a thousand knives stabbing me all over...i can't even describe it. all i want is for you to wrap your loving, warm arms around me and tell me everything will be all right and i need to stop my worrying...i just want to hear your voice again and see your shadow approaching me. isn't it odd how we never notice the small things until they aren't there and then they come rushing back in an instant. part of me wonders, cole, why our love had to be separated when it was so right, so true, so perfect, so real. i guess maybe that is precisely why...we got to love and experience that reality so totally. so many people NEVER get to experience that. thank you, cole...thank you for loving me for who i am. thank you for sending me angels and signs to help me in this world. EYE LUV U.

jessi

April 1, 2005

Dear Cole,
You don't know me, but I'm sure you've heard all about me from your new buddy, Josh. :0) I know you both have become good friends in heaven. I have had the wonderful opportunity to get to know your dear Jessi. She is a gem. It is easy to see why you loved her so much. I have heard so much about you and the life you lead on this earth. You were a hero, just like my Josh. Not only were you a hero to the people you served and protected, but a hero to Jessi. She loves you and misses you so much. I know that you look down on her and help to shed sunlight on her path. The Lord is using Jessi in great ways and she continues to honor your memory and the life you lived. Thank you for serving as a law enforcement officer. Your life continues to touch so many people. Your death and Josh's death brought Jessi and I together as friends, through those tragedies. You will truly never be forgotten.

Jessi,
Rest in the arms of Jesus. He loves you and knows you. Cole waits on you in heaven, and wants the best for you. Take comfort in knowing he is with the Lord. Reflect on all of the memories you shared together. You had such wonderful memories with Cole. I am here for you always. I thank God upon every remembrance of you.

Love & prayers,
Kelly

Kelly Gillain
Josh's Kelly

March 31, 2005

well it was yet another holiday without you. :( i don't know that these "special" days will ever get any easier knowing you are not with me. i can remember Easter 2 years ago...it was not long before you had to leave this earth. you slept all day and i played with the neighbor kids hiding easter eggs for them. that night, you had to work, and i came out to meet you. in fact, we stayed together for quite a while that night. we met in the parking lot at the football field and you filled out some of your paperwork while i just talked your ear off as usual. i brought you some easter candy...my mom had told me you needed some "sweetenin' up"!! ;P i think there was even a call that you were going to have to leave and go to, but josh took it for you so that we could have just even a minute more time together...i don't know why this image is so vivid in my head, but i thank God that it is. as i've said before, i have trouble remembering what i know were our best times together. i guess it is just too painful. this one definitely doesn't make easter any easier without you, but at least i have something good to hold onto. EYE LUV U ALWAYS AND FOREVER COLE!

jess

March 28, 2005

Cole, I was able to meet your fiancee Jessi, this past weekend. She is so sweet and still in love with you. You are very lucky to have her. You really mean alot to her and the rest of the fallen officer's families. Take care of my daddy Sgt. Jimmy Gilbert. We all miss him too. Well it has been my honor to be able to leave a reflection. Take care and watch over Jessi, and we will meet one day in the Lord's house!

Jessi, Please call me whenever you want. Thanks for all the comforting words. You are a true angle and Cole should be proud! See you in May can't wait to see you again.

Allison Gilbert
Daughter of Sgt. Jimmy Gilbert E.O.W 5-2-04

March 27, 2005

Your service is appreciated Officer Martin. I did not know you but I served with many like you. Some who also gave their lives in the line of duty.
Here is to your memory and the health of those you left behind.
You will be reunited someday.

Retired Officer

March 23, 2005

i just had a wonderful time with your mommy, my sweet guardian angel cole. she is so beautiful as always. i see so much of her in you, cole. i love you so much. that will never ever ever change. just thinking about you as always. i can't wait till the day when i can see you again!

your jessi babe

jessi
your baby doll

March 22, 2005

Hi thank you for your message on my boyfriends page. I will be getting in touch with you soon. This is not an easy road to travel and some days I look back and wonder how I made it through the day(but I know Chuck guided me. You can also contact me by getting in touch with the Henry County Police Dept. if you need to. Don't forget, he is always with you and pay attention to the little strange things that happen around you, he just wants you to know that he is near!!
Cole say hey to my baby for me!

Rachel Andrews
Girlfriend of Officer "Chuck" Haist E.O.W. 2-16-05

March 22, 2005

Hey Jessi,
I hope you are doing well. I think of you often and wonder how things are going for you. I would love to talk to you some time but I don't know how to reach you. Thanks for your post on Wayne's site and yes I agree him and Cole are watching over us and all of their officers

Missy Woodard widow of Deputy Wayne Wood

March 22, 2005

night cole...

i just wanted to tell you how much i love you. today has been a rough, rough day and i'm still going. i could really use some angel kisses from you tonight in my dreams. a heavenly hug would work too. EYE LUV U.

jessi
your baby doll

March 21, 2005

hello my angel,
i have been trying to get my scrapbook together of you...and me of course! in all my searching and organizing and trying to be creative (which just isn't working), i found a few things:

at your funeral, we had this poem:
when i am gone, release me, let me go. i have so many things to say and do. you mustn't tie yourself to me with tears, be thankful for our beautiful years.
i gave to you my love. you can only guess how much you gave me in happiness. i thank you for the love you each have shown, but now it's time i traveled on alone.
so grieve for me, if grieve you must then let your grief be comforted by trust. it's only for a time that we must part, so bless the memories within your heart.
i won't be far away, for life goes on. so if you need me, call and i will come. though you can't see or touch me, i'll be near. and if you listen with your heart you'll hear all my love around you soft and clear. and then when you must come this way alone, i'll greet you with a smile and say "welcome home."


my gosh reading that brings a flood of tears once more...but i've found something else...another poem that of course makes me think of you...i don't know where i got it from:

i never dreamed it would be me,
my name for all eternity,
recorded here at this hallowed place,
alas, my name, no more my face.

in the line of duty, i hear them say;
my family now the price to pay.
my folded flag stained with tears;
we only had those few short years.

the badge no longer on my chest,
i sleep now in eternal rest.
my sword i pass to those behind,
and pray they keep this thought in mind.

i never dreamed it would be me,
and with heavy heart and bended knee,
i ask for all here from the past:
Dear God, let my name be the last.


EYE LUV U my sweetness...the pain still flows like a river some days, but our love keeps me going strong. saying goodbye's to you almost 2 years ago was not final...it was just "see ya again soon"

missin you like crazy baby

your baby doll

j

March 19, 2005

found this for you baby!!
EYE LUV U!!


Policeman's 23rd Psalm

The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want,
His comforting hand reduces fear to naught;
He makes me walk through streets of crime,
But He gives me courage and peace of mind.

He leads me by still waters in the path I trod,
And He says in Romans I'm a "minister of God,"
He leads me in righteousness as He restores my soul,
For His name's sake He keeps me whole.

When I walk through death's valley, right up to the door,
I will fear no evil, for He comforts me more;
For Thou art with me every step of the way,
As thy rod and thy staff protect me each day.

He prepares a table, especially for me,
As I work daily among life's enemies;
He gives me authority to uphold the law,
And He anoints my position in the midst of it all.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me,
Each day of my life through eternity;
As I long to hear Him say, "Well done...,"
When I lay down my life, my badge, and my gun
~~Anonymous

Jessi

March 19, 2005

i found this while i was reading in my Bible a while back and kept forgetting to post it to you. eye luv u...

"...for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a might flame. Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it away."
~ Song of Songs 8:6-7

That is an all-too perfect description of my love for you...burning brightly always and forever...always persevering and loyal...never forget

jess

March 14, 2005

hello again sweetness!

i know you are rollin those eyes and smiling that sheepish little boy grin every time i call you a goofy little name, but ya know...that's just how i am! ;) i sure am missin you these days...it's not like there are any days when i don't miss you, but sometimes my heart just gets so heavy without you here by my side. people don't understand...they shake their heads and nod acting like they know what i mean when i talk about you and how much i want you back, but they don't have a clue. i was talkin to your momma the other day and we agreed to that...they just don't get it. it's just so unfair that you're not here physically...i know that's crazy and i know it's almost been 2 years but my gosh it's just insane. i can't fathom it cole. i mean, how do you explain that the man you loved and wanted to spend the rest of your life with is gone for forever? i just can't accept that. i know i don't have a choice. God didn't ask whether or not i was willing to let you go. i know what my answer would've been. but geez...i guess in a lot of ways i am doing better, but i will always be grieving cole. how can i not? i should be planning a wedding with you...a life together...figuring out who to include and what to have at the reception...looking for dresses and finding just the right tulips to go along with it all. but that's not happening now. instead i'm left here to figure out where on earth i'm going to live and trying to make it through each day by myself. i know i always have my family and some of my closest friends, but it's not the same baby...you were supposed to be my husband. i know you are probably so disappointed in me carrying on as such but cole i just can't help it. sometimes i wonder what you would have done if it would've been me. would you miss me as much as i miss you? would you cry yourself to sleep sometimes even after nearly 2 years? would you think about me constantly and wonder why i can't come back? it's nauseating sometimes...it really is. i need to stop before i make myself sick, but i had to tell you all of this. i know you can read my mind now that you're up in Heaven, but i just feel like i need to get it out of my system.

so let's see...last week ended well i guess. i learned a lot about myself, the kids, and teaching in general. i guess that's all one can ask for, right? i know you were pushing me along each day giving me that encouragment in my dreams to face the challenges of the next day, and let me tell you there were plenty. this week is spring break, but i am working the majority of it. tomorrow will be my 3rd night at Schroeder's...it's going well so far. apparently i'm impressing all the managers so i guess that's a good thing. i'm really trying to branch out a little bit and try some new things...maybe it'll keep me occupied. the other day i was driving down the road with my windows open just blastin some good ole garth brooks and instantly the picture of your face just flashed in my mind...gosh how we used to love to just drive...drive and drive and drive...listening to music with the windows down and my hair blowin all in my eyes...we were so happy then...we'd go up to the mountain and just sit there and talk...just talk for hours....and sometimes we'd buy pints of ben and jerry's ice cream...grab some spoons from your house and race up there to eat it before it melted...you would usually eat yours and the rest of mine too! then you'd bring me back home or else we'd go back to your house and fall asleep cuddling to a movie. i felt so safe in your arms...just enveloped in your love so that nothing in the world could touch me. i don't feel like that anymore. i miss that too. i miss hearing your voice and i miss you telling me everything would be all right. i miss your hugs and your kisses...i even miss the way you smelled and the way you walked. i remember some of it so clearly yet other stuff i can't seem to bring to the front of my memory. maybe one day it will come back and i'll record it too so that i can remember always. gosh how i just miss you. some people may not understand. but i know all too well how special you were and still are in my heart and many others. please never leave me cole. i can't wait until the day when i can see you again.

EYE LUV U.

jessi babe
your baby dolly wolly

March 14, 2005

hey baaaaaby!

i can't write much at all right now. i have to go to bed so i can teach again tomorrow. this week is our "week in the schools" and it's been quite an adventure to say the least. it's been a rough week all around, but i know you are helping me through these rough days. my daddy says he thinks you are rooting me on from heaven. and mommy says she knows you are watching over me and whispering words of encouragement to my soul. say hi to dan starks and tell him to send jessica some love in florida. i know she could really use it this week too (as can all the other significant others!!). i want to update you on what's been going on, so i will try to write this weekend. to make it snappy, i got another job at a local restaurant here in rome....tomorrow i start training...i'm very excited...bet you'll be laughin when i start serving people and dropping things!! and tonight i was awarded an award for working switchboard...i know you were cheering me on and clapping in heaven! i also have been invited to join kappa delta pi, the education honor society. i am thinking of you always and forever my precious cole. thank you for showing me what true love really is.

EYE LUV U.

J

jessi

March 9, 2005

hello my precious angel

how is Heaven? i tell ya, nobody ever told me life on earth could be so rough. then again, i know i don't have it half as bad as others. sometimes that is my motivation, my kick in the pants, my "suck it up, jessi"...
it's been really cool lately to watch God work in my life. he has really been answering some prayers and a few things are falling into place. we have gotten some girls together who are also "significant others"...that is really exciting, although i don't have much time these days to interact with most of them. i have become extremely close a handful of them and that has been such a blessing on those rough days when no one else seems to understand. something as simple as an e-mail, an IM, a call, or a card lets me know that i can count on them and vise versa. it's looking like i'll be making the trip again this may. i will touch your precious name once more as long as it all goes as planned. i hope to honor your name and memory and tell people your story of sacrifice. other things are going on with finding someone to live with for next year...that situation is looking up, i hope. twice this week i have gone to events at school that really touched my heart and of course made me think of you. bethany dillon came to berry and sang some of her songs. she is such an inspiration at only 16 and is so mature in her relationship with christ and the faith she shares proudly. it was good to be reminded that it's normal to question God and to not understand. some of her songs i can really relate to. i may have to download some lyrics and post to you. tonight a couple of us girls went to the dance concert which also had a section about learning to lean on God...remembering the past yet also looking to the future. i guess that best sums up what i'm trying to do as i continue living on this earth. there is no way i will ever or want to forget you or our love. that is a part of who i am today and explains what i have become. i must continue living however and must focus my eyes on what lies ahead...the eternal rather than the small daily roadblocks i encounter in life. and i can use what i have learned from my experiences, the good and the bad, to guide my steps in the future. well, anyway, babe, now that i've gotten all philosophical here i guess i'd better get to bed. i love you so so so so very much. oh yeah, i just remembered the time not long before you had to go that you sent me those 12 e-mails in one night! hahaha! you were sending them to me because you hadn't responded to one of mine and i got onto you! you were always so crazy like that, but that's what made me fall for you time and time again. it's why i chose to be with you and to honor you in life and death.

EYE LUV U ALWAYS AND FOREVER

jess

March 4, 2005

eye luv u forever and always in all ways

thank you for watching over me and the rest of those you left behind today and every day. my heart still longs for you, but i know we will be together again one day. until then, i will do what i can to make you proud. i would give anything to have you back in my arms, but for now i guess you will have to envelope me in your love from above.

j

March 2, 2005

g'mornin my sunshine...
last night was a not-so-good night but i have found some of the most wonderful friends lately so she talked to me for forever. we shared a lot of stories and memories. i told her about you only letting me decorate ONE bathroom! haha! i really miss you a lot these days. the pain never really leaves, sometimes just is made softer through the memories and happy times that i'm able to remember. i want to keep your memory alive, cole. that is one of my biggest fears--that one day someone will not remember who you are and who you were in life on this earth. i want people to know that you were very much loved and continue to be. i want people to know how loving you were and still are to this day in so many ways. thank you so much for CHOOSING to love me. we talked a lot about love being a choice that one makes every single day when they wake up. well, cole, we were the perfect example. choosing each and every day to love one another unselfishly and unconditionally. thank you for that. i'm only sorry that you weren't here longer for me to give you even more love. i hope i gave you enough to last a lifetime. i can only hope that i can touch as many people so deeply as you have cole in your 20 years. i just pray that in my teaching, and even in my daily life, that i can show people the same love and compassion that you exhibitied each day regardless of what you were doing or saying. EYE LUV U BABE!

j

March 1, 2005

i miss you so much...more than words can express. i have nothing special today...it's one of those days where all i want to do is cry out for you. not that any day is really that different, but today is really bad. i miss coming over to your house and chit-chatting with your mommy...i miss going out to eat...i miss the way you would press out every wrinkle in your uniform before you stepped in your car...i miss the way you would meet me during your shifts just to see me for a few minutes and the way you would shine your flashlight in my eyes and then hold your belly and chuckle...i just miss you altogether. take care of the new heroes from GA who are joining you in Heaven. i know you will show them the ropes. remind them to send their friends and family love. they will be needing it back here.

EYE LUV U.

jessi
fiancee

February 28, 2005

Dear Jessi, Family & Friends of Cole:
This poem was given to me shortly after my Josh passed away. It has given me great comfort and peace. I wanted to share it with you all. It is an incredible comfort, knowing that Josh and Cole are with the LORD. They are resting with Him; we will see them again one day.

"The Mansion of Heaven"

This world, however beautiful, was never meant to be
The place that we would call our home for all eternity.
And though we would not choose to leave,
A loving God knows best,
And in His time, He lifts us to a place of peace and rest.
For He has built a mansion where His children will abide,
Free from pain and sorrow, forever at His side.
He said He'd never leave us to face our trials alone,
And though sometimes we fail Him, He never fails His own.
And even when our choices are less than He would ask,
He knows when human courage is unequal to the task.
We cannot judge what happens,
Though tears and questions start--
We only see what's visible--God sees into the heart.
And though there may be many things
That we cannot explain.
We can be sure it breaks His heart
To see His children's pain.
In loving arms, He bears us to a quiet place apart
Where He mends the wounded spirit
And heals the broken heart.
And though these ones we love so much
Have left our present sight
And passed into a better world of majesty and light,
Someday we'll be together in our Father's home above,
Where we'll thank Him for His mercy
And praise Him for His love.

--Author Unknown

Kelly Gillain
Significant Other to Deputy Sheriff Joshua Blyler EOW 5/2/04

February 25, 2005

g'nite my love.

i miss you tonight as i do always. wishing that we could have had our life together giggling into the night and holding each other tight. i know that you are watching over me from above sending me a heart full of love. i will hold onto the memories we made even though nothing can ever again be the same. please know that i love you so very much. that will never die. even though you are not here physically, i feel your presence every single day in all that i do.

eye luv u cole.

jessi
fiancee

February 23, 2005