Family, Friends & Fellow Officers Remember...

Happy Birthday Cole.

Will be thinking of you tomorrow (June 4th).

Jessica Ruhl
Fiancee of Dan Starks and friend of Jessi's.

June 3, 2005

My Angel, My Friend, My love, My son.... happy birthday tomarrow on June 4 you will be 23. What a wonderful man you are standing tall with honor and integrity and a hero to many of us.

I am so proud to be your mother and my heart continues to ache and grieve for your presence and the life we will never share.

But Cole, I also know that your job here was complete and that you made the absolute right choice for you and I honor that choice with all the grace and dignity that I have.

I will not lie to you it has been a road that I would not have chosen. For I beleive that a mother is not to go before her child. I have not traveled the road as well as you would have and I am not proud of the absolute lows I have had in my selfish greif of your loss. One of your friends inspired me when they left "a smile descibes you more than a tear". I am sorry for the amount of tears that I have shed and continue to shed.

I miss you more than my life and you know that. I feel a new strength these last few days and I know you have given it to me.

I was out on leave from my job for quite a while then went back. But all the time I kept hearing your words. Momma I would rather have 20 minutes of happiness than a lifetime of nothing. Everytime I went to the job that was in my mind and I always thought what a useless job this is. It does nothing to my fellow man it has no good in it. I cannot meet God and you and tell you this is what I continued to do after you death. That part is gone now I have left the job and I actually feel stronger about my life and feel a lot better about you.

Cole you are such a hero and inspriation to so many of us and many you and I do not know. I think that tells the measure of the young man you were and the legacy that you left for me and others to follow.

I am so proud of Jessie she has done you a great honor. She has so mourned you with a depth of loss that can only be compared to my loss, Nans and Dad. She has turned her loss into good working and making friends with other significant survivors. I know you are proud.

Of course Nan misses you everyday. She goes to your grave several times a day. It is her way of mourning you and dealing with the grief. She cries for you as well. It hurt me to see her cry so.

We all miss you Mom, Nan, Jess and Dad and many, many more. I cannot describe what you meant to us I know you feel the depth of our love everyday.

I did not go to Police week this year. I just could not do it. I know you were there and understand that I was simply not strong enough to do it this year. I am making it my goal to attend next year.

You chose a wonderful family to belong to with your brother and sisters who wear a shield. They are a loving and a family that never forgets and they take care of their family. I want you to watch over some that have been espcially supportive to me and have not forgotten. The cinncinatti police department took me as one of there own. I met some of them last year at the wall and they did not forget us at Christmas they made sure that I knew they were there anytime night or day. I was so honored.

There is a lady that walks the wall in Washington every year at police week. She is not a part of any agency she lost her husband in the line of duty in Ca. many years ago. She goes for people like me to comfort us late in the night when we cannot bear to leave your name. There are many more that I cannot even remember, the Georgia COPS association they have been incredible to me. Your department Josh and others they never forget. Keep a close watch on Josh and his brothers at the department.

Cole I cannot say everything I want to say. I love you so much, I am going in a few minutes to pick up your birthday present. A arranagement for your grave. They are suppose to do something with a lion somehow for us, to watch over and protect you.

It is hard to end this because it is saying goodbye again. Cole I love you with all my heart and soul. Soar and be happy and patrol the streets of heaven leave our worries to us and you do your job. I love you Cole always and forever........Momma :) I send a smile for you my Angel.

P.S. Cole will you watch over the young man that hopes to be a trooper one day ask God to keep him safe. He has a good heart he will make a fine, honorable trooper for his state.

My love always and forever Momma.

June 3, 2005

God bless. Dulcius ex asperis. Keep the streets up there safe until we get there to back you up.

Michael Ferguson, Instructor
East Texas Police Academy

June 2, 2005

just thinking of you my angel...i know you see the things that are going on down here...please just continue to be with me and send me guidance and encouragement.

luv,
j

June 2, 2005

HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY! 3 years ago we were shopping and having a wonderful time... i am so thankful for all the memories to get me through...
i still miss you babe...
maybe you are grilling some steaks in Heaven!

jessi

May 30, 2005

Thinking of you and you're precious Jessi today.

The life you lived was one to be remembered by all.

"It is not how these Officer's died that made them hero's.
It is how they lived."

May 27, 2005

well today is the day...a year from now, and probably at this exact time, we would be exchanging our vows and be pronounced husband and wife. while we were never able to have that wonderful experience and opportunity, i still consider you mine and you will always have a part of me as your own. i won't talk about how much it hurts, because there just aren't any words that can possibly capture the way i feel inside. you know...you know my heart and i think yours is broken of so many dreams that will never come true.

i am soooooooo glad to see that josh left you another message. i was just thinking about him and your department...wondering if they think about you and what they sit around and talk about when your name comes up. i know josh misses you and will always remember you, his brother in blue. it makes me feel so good to know that he cares enough to leave messages for you. i wonder if the others realize the sacrifice you made. it could have been any single one of them that night...but instead it was you, my precious angel. it was amazing to see in d.c. all these departments represented even after an officer had been gone for a number of years...don't worry - i told them all about you...all 6'4" of you with your sideburns and the way you whipped that patrol car around...when you lost your baton and had to go looking for it after that chase...how you were so thrilled to listen to the scanner even on your days off as we watched tv...the story of you going thru the academy and getting sprayed with mase...haha! today those things bring me laughter and joy...but at the same time immense sadness that you're not here to see my smile and laugh with me.

until we talk again, eye luv u forever and always my hero and my hope,
j

jessi

May 27, 2005

Cole,
Everyday I get on the page and see who all has talked to you, I want to leave you a message but do not always know what to say. I do know one thing that Jessi loves you so much, everyone that looks at your reflections can see it. I still miss you and know that I will forever. I would give anything to have you back with us.
P.S. I like your new picture! It just fits.

Sgt. Joshua Etheridge
Chatsworth Police Department

May 26, 2005

it is so hard to sit here day after day and only be able to stare at your picture and rely on memories to get me through each moment. a year from tomorrow we would be getting married. ironic that we also buried you on the 27th. the day we had to say goodbye, i said goodbye to my entire future with you and any memories we would ever make and the beautiful family we were supposed to be able to raise together. i hate this time of year...i absolutely hate it. everyone else seems to be moving forward with their lives and things are going just perfectly. instead all i have left are memories and thoughts of what should have been. it's not fair, and i don't know that i will ever understand it. this time of year was supposed to be the best...instead of being with you and enjoying all the holidays and fun dates (our birthdays, our wedding, anniversaries, etc.) i can only attend memorials and police week and visit your grave to leave some piece of me there. i swear every time i go, i lose another part of me because it longs just to be with you. people do not understand the depth of the pain involved and they still ask, "what is wrong with you" when i'm having a bad day. isn't it enough that i have had to lose the man of my dreams? i just don't get it, cole. you were always the one to calm me down, put things in perspective, and encourage me through every single challenge. heck, i even called you when there was a mouse in our dorm room! you could fix it all in an instant. i know i'm rambling here, but i just want to hear your voice and listen to you tell me everything will be okay. even another "i love you" or something...anything...i would take anything i could get. dreams are not enough because they come and go in a flash and only leave me feeling more desperate for you and wishing i was back in your arms with no cares and no worries. i cannot comprehend what has happened...how much life has changed for all of us. your birthday is coming up baby and i wonder what you would look like and how you would act now that you would be 23. it seems so young, but you were so unique-so mature for your age. no one would have ever guessed how young you were. i am almost 21, and i can't believe how fast i have had to grow up through all of this. i would do it all over again to have you back if i could. this time 3 years ago, we were making plans to go shopping together. the same time a year later, i was at your parents' house cooking out and crying because we all missed you so very much. and now...this year...it will be yet another holiday without you...another one to only recall the smiles and laughter you gave to me. i know you would not want me to be so sad, but i can't help but think you would be hurting just the same. my love for you will never die, baby, and i know that you will welcome me into heaven when my time comes. again, i will leave you with your very own words that you said to me countless times: "You are the reason I am...you are all my reasons."

EYE LUV U ALLWAYS AND FOREVER

your baby doll

p.s. i hope you like your new picture babe! your other one just didn't do you justice. at least now you're in uniform! all my love my precious angel...

jessi
your loving fiancee

May 26, 2005

Cole,

I recently had the honor of meeting YOUR Jess and through her stories of your time together, you will NEVER be forgotten. Keep your hands around her and keep her safe and I'll do my part here on earth to help her on her walk through life.

Sgt. Gregory Scott

Sgt. Gregory E. Scott
Dept. of the Treasury/US Mint Police

May 25, 2005

Hello Cole,

I must say that in reading the many things Jess has said about you, you were a wonderful man. I believe you are still a wonderful man.

Jess,
I am sorry truly that you lost COle. Just keep in mind we are all in this family together. You are a wonderful person. I have yet to meet you (I was unable to attend Police Week), but the things I have read here and elsewhere(group) lead me to believe you are a wonderful person.

My hugs ti you,
Michele Shirey
love- Deputy Gene Wright II
Berkeley COunty Sheriff's Department, SC
EOW 11-19-2002

michele shirey

May 24, 2005

hello again my sweet guardian angel,
i am missing you as always, but today it hurts deeper than usual. it's almost been a month since your 2-year anniversary in heaven, and it is still just as difficult as the same day 2 years ago. i know it is selfish of me, but i wish you were here with me. i know you have it so much better up in Heaven. this world is cruel and painful, and i wouldn't want you to have to deal with all of this, but how i wish we could just have our life back together. at this point, we would be one year and 3 days away from our wedding, and i can't stand that it won't ever happen. i know i told you that this tragedy was my worst nightmare, but i think i'm actually living out one that is much worse - living without you for the rest of my life. a lot of things have been going on lately, and i know you've been whispering advice in my ear every step of the way. i hope i've made you proud.

britt and i went to play tennis the other night. we talked a lot about you. she is with this boy now who reminds me so much of you. it's wonderful, but like so many other things, it cuts so deep...down to my heart and soul. i love to hear her talk about you though. she reminds me of so many things that my mind can't seem to recall. she was talking about going to the movies, and i told her i was going to have to sit between the two of them like she used to do with you and i. i can remember going to the bathroom and she had taken my seat - right next to you...man, i'd give anything to be sitting next to you again. one day i will be by your side for forever this time.

eye luv u my precious hero

jess

May 24, 2005

Dear Cole,
Just checking in with you. I see that you have a new picture on your page. :0) I saw your name in D.C....everything there was so surreal. I want you to know that I pray for Jessi and your family. I know how broken Jessi is and how painful it is for her to live life without you. I know because I feel the same way about losing my Josh.

I know that you are resting with our Lord. I know that Jessi looks forward to seeing you again, as I look forward to seeing Josh. Thank you for your sacrafice. You will always be remembered.

Love & prayers,
Kelly
Josh Blyler's Kelly

Kelly Gillain

May 24, 2005

just wanted to say i love you, my angel...thank you for watching over me and guiding me along this path in life...

jess

May 23, 2005

dearest cole

how sad we should learn so much about you only through your death. god really has a bigger plan that included you and daniel spending some time together and ga jess and fl jess learning and living as friends without you two.
what a wonderful young woman you chose. what an honor to get to know you through her. she still misses you terribly and loves you dearly.
thank you so much for the gift of ga jess.
you and daniel take good care of each other and please watch over jess squared.

jess - we love you

kathe
mother of officer daniel starks eow 10/25/03

May 18, 2005

Cole -

Ok, let me just tell you. I have met your wonderful "GA Jess" and can I just say I understand why you loved her so? She is awsome. We had a great time in DC and I enjoyed hearing stories about you and her and everything. I began to realize that you and my Daniel had alot in common and I know are best friends up in Heaven. Thank You Cole for sending Jessi to me, and The Starks..because I really think she made PW bearable for me.

Jess..YOU ARE AWSOME GIRL! We tore DC up and it was so much fun. Thank you for being there for me in my happy and sad moments. I truly hope we can be lifelong friends and be there for eachother through everything. You are a true friend and I love ya!

Thank you Cole and keep my Daniel in line. Im sure he is up there gettin into some type of trouble! haha.

Love,
Jessica Ruhl
(AKA the FL Jess or Jess squared!)

May 17, 2005

"To Where You Are"
Music and Lyrics Copyrighted by Josh Groban

Who can say for certain
Maybe you're still here
I feel you all around me
Your memory's so clear

Deep in the stillness
I can hear you speak
You're still an inspiration
Can it be
That you are my
Forever love
And you are watching over me from up above

Fly me up to where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile to know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are

Are you gently sleeping
Here inside my dream
And isn't faith believing
All power can't be seen

As my heart holds you
Just one beat away
I cherish all you gave me everyday
'Cause you are my
Forever love
Watching me from up above

And I believe
That angels breathe
And that love will live on and never leave

Fly me up
To where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile
To know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are

I know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are

May 17, 2005

here i am writing to you again...the day after we have returned from D.C. it was so bittersweet...not really any less emotional than last year - just different. it was good to be with jess...she understood what i was feeling without me having to say a single word. what really caused me to write this morning is that i had a memory flash back! i got a voicemail from my landlord and he said "see ya bye" at the end...it hit me like a ton of bricks (i know you think i'm crazy - just remember that's why you loved me!)...you used to say that all the time when you were getting off the phone with your friends. you even tried it on me a couple of times just to be retarded like you were! of course that was replaced with "i love yooou baby doll!!"

it was good to be in D.C. again even though i would have much rather been right here in your arms. seeing your name engraved in that wall always brings a ton of emotions...ones that i had not felt since this time last year. i forgot how difficult and final it was to be there among your fellow fallen officers and their loved ones. in some ways, though, it was healing and good. maybe i impacted someone's life or maybe i made them think about their own family and the way they are living their lives. who knows...i only hope that i brought honor and integrity to your name and the life you lived. it was great to be able to share funny stories and talk about your weird little habits...jess and i have concluded that you and dan have turbo jet angel wings...and i knooooow you sent that thunderstorm for the emerald society parade...;P you can't fool me! i was just really upset that day, but standing there in the rain with jess and juli made me think back to one of the last nights we spent together when you carried me across the wet grass and through the drizzling rain. what i wouldn't give to be back in your big, strong arms...

it's so weird to be "back to normal" because i have no sense of what "normal" really is anymore. it should be a life with you by my side, but instead it's what seems like eternity without you. i am so blessed that you were with me while you were. i can't wait to see you again...as juli says, "we have a date when i get to heaven!"

remembering you always, my angel

j

Jessi
your baby dolly wolly

May 17, 2005

Cole,
I was not fortunate enough to meet you in this life, but this past week, I was blessed to meet your Jess. I already knew a little bit about you and Jess through FL Jess, and I have had your ODMP page bookmarked in My Favorites for about a month.
I grieved for the loss of so many dreams that were lost when you died. The 3 of us really lost the most special, sincere and lovable men that we have ever (or will ever)meet in our lives. We talked frequently about you, as we wondered what the 3 of you were doing up in Heaven as we sat at The Wall in rememberance of you.
By the way, the Emerald Society parade was still awesome, with or without the torrential downpour...:):)
Jess,
It was a great pleasure to stand with you both in tearful, grieving moments and in great times of laughter. Yes, the second year is A LOT harder, but I am finding strength in new friendships such as yours.
If it weren't for you and FL Jess, I would never have found my way around the Metro, thanks to my great sense of direction :)
I am glad to hear that you arrived home, safe and sound. I am already counting the days until we all get to be together next year, of course; same time, same place.
Thinking of you in the upcoming days and months...
Love Ya,

Juli Verkler
Widow of Ptlm. Bryan S. Verkler EOW 12/13/03

May 17, 2005

hello again my angel...
it seems as though you followed me home from washington! my mind is racing as i just got back home. it was such a privilege to share your story with those from across the nation. i hope i made you proud. so many now know about the life of cole martin. what an honor and blessing to have been loved by you, baby!

EYE LUV U

Jessi
your loving fiancee

May 16, 2005

Hi Cole -

Please watch over Jessi this week.

She loves ya -

Jessica
Fiancee of Ofcr Dan Starks

May 11, 2005

Cole,
I just wanted to say hey and that I was thinking about you and your family! I was very happy to see Jessi and your mother at the bike ride! They are really sweet people! Well take care of dad will you! And keep watching over Jessi! She is a really sweet woman! Well You are missed by all!
~~~Jessi~~~
I just wanted to say hey and that I really glad you called me on Monday! Its was dads 1 yr. ann. And the phone call really help! Well take care and call me sometime!
Love Always.
Allison Gilbert

Allison Gilbert
Daughter of Sgt. Jimmy Gilbert E.O.W. 5-2-04

May 8, 2005

g'mornin angel,

i have missed you so much this week. i've wanted to write every single day, but as i stare at the computer screen, i just can't express my thoughts and feelings in words. it's been really weird for me, because i've always found "writing" to you as sort of therapeutic. it's getting closer and closer to police week. i leave very early wednesday morning. i'm both excited and anxious to be perfectly honest. i want to honor you and tell everyone who cole martin was, but i also dread the flood of emotions that i know will automatically come. it's something that i feel i have to do though. i feel like i need to represent you and the things you stood for. i hope you are with me there and everywhere of course. as usual, i have been planning out what i'm taking for a week now. and um, well, i have too much stuff! you know me - gotta be prepared and organized. i'm sure you are laughin your booty off!! oh and baby, i made all A's!!! man, that was hard work, but i knew i could do it!

well cole, i will leave you alone but not before asking you to comfort your mom and maybe visit her especially this weekend as sunday is mother's day. she is still and always will be your momma, and her pain is more than i could ever even begin to understand. she will need you, babe. maybe some help for me, too, because every mother's day i think of the children we will never have together. and i wonder if i will ever get the opportunity to give a mother's love to my own kids. it hurts like no one can imagine.

EYE LUV U.

Jessi
fiancee

May 7, 2005

another week passed us by so quickly reminding us time and time again of how long it has been since we've seen your face or heard your voice or felt your arms wrap around so tightly. i haven't written because i'm at a point where i really don't know what to say. i miss you so very much. it's just unfathomable. i was sitting here thinking how life has changed without you. somehow though, i still can't get you off my mind just as i was always thinking about you when you were still so much alive. i am getting very anxious about Police Week. as you know i am meeting up with some other girls. oh and i have to tell you, jess got me a stuffed teddy bear and named him cole. he is dressed up as a little cop. i hug him every night wishing it was the real cole beside me. i guess this one will have to do. he does bring a smile to my face, though, because he says "i love you"...sometimes it makes me cry and others it reminds me of the cute little way you used to say those same exact words like 15 million times in a 5-minute conversation! i have officially finished another semester and all my grades are in. one more year to go and then i'll be living out my dream just like you wanted me to do. but only one of those dreams is coming true...the other ones never will. i hope that when i talk about you in D.C. that people get to know who you were in life. i want them to know that you were so full of life and love, both giving it and receiving it. i want them to know that even the night you were killed that you were trying to help out your friends. and i want them to know that there was nothing else that you would have rather been doing than patrolling the streets. your determination and diligence inspires me every single day as i remember you telling me to do whatever it was that i wanted to do in life because so many people never get that chance. once more i will watch the entire nation honor you and all those who went before and after you. i will tell them the story of Johnathan Cole Martin; and whether i'm smiling or crying, know that i still love you.

Jessi
fiancee

May 2, 2005

wow, baby! you've gotten lots of messages! it's good to know that people think about you and remember the sacrifice you made 2 years ago now. today was okay i guess. you were on my mind all day long. loving you as always.

jess

April 26, 2005