Family, Friends & Fellow Officers Remember...

well today has been a rough one, my angel. i have missed you so so incredibly, unbearably much. i had to run home to take care of some stuff. it was so unimaginably difficult to be in that town again. i don't know what it it - the memories, the fact that you're not there patrolling, or just the fact that so much has changed and life seems to have moved on for pretty much everyone else in that place besides our families....it's just so hard. i can't explain it, and i know those who love you as do i understand somewhat. i went to visit you...first time i've been there (or been home in fact) since father's day i think. i didn't really want to be in that place, that dreadful cemetery, but somehow i felt a little closer to you. i showed you my new car...it's black, too...after i got it, i remember thinking, "man, and i was so mad at cole for getting a black car that would show so much dirt!" haha!! anyway, when i got there, i realized that one of the pictures was missing...the one you always had by your bed and the one that was your favorite of me - you begged me to have a copy...it has been at the cemetery since the day your mom found it and since they finished everything up at your grave. it's gone. i am not sure how but i kept it together in front of brittany, but then i called my mom on my way back down to my apartment and burst into tears. honey, i know that you know how much i love you regardless of what i put out there or how many pictures, flower arrangements, or police figurines and statues we leave. but it is so personal to me that you have those things that you loved in life close to you now as well. cole my love for you will never die, and it can span eternity. i know it's "just a picture" but it means so much. i'm so hurt deep inside that it's gone, but i know that you don't doubt my love for you regardless of why it is now gone. please never forget that you are my prince and my hero, and i cherish every moment we spent together.

eye luv u always and forever.

p.s. if you could help me out, it would be really great....i'm having a really rough time lately. and if you could watch over britt....she needs it extra right now.

jess

August 9, 2005

cole -

i dont know why you had to leave this earth at such an early time in your life. its strange but i guess you and my daniel are up there smiling down on me and ga jess. making sure we stay on the right path and get through the hard days, as well as the good days too. im sure you are proud of your jess, she is in her student teaching and is doing awsome. she is awsome! and i thank you for letting me meet her at that first year at police week. all i can remember from the significant others group is jessi. she was looking down at her hands the whole time. crying. she has cried so many tears for you cole. many i have seen and many i have not. but i know that you see every tear, as well as every smile, and every glance up towards Heaven that she gives you. i know that on the hard days you have your angel wings wrapped around her tightly, and on the good days are running beside her - ready to protect her from whatever comes her way. dont ever stop doing that. she is awsome, and has become one of my best friends! thank you cole for everything.
tell daniel i said hello and that he better be saving my seat up there!
till then,
- jessica
(FL Jess) :)

August 8, 2005

missing you always my sweetie...thought about you a lot today. and i had some wonderful memories find their way back to me. please help me through this week and those upcoming. i love you dearly and can't wait until we are together forever.

eye luv u always and forever,
jess

August 6, 2005

mornin babe...
yesterday was a really rough day without you....nothing special about the day but it was just hard. i miss you so much, but i know you are still with me and watching over me. i love you so much and am so thankful that i had the time with you that i had. i couldn't have asked for more love than what you gave me. say hi to bryan, dan, nick, and all the others for me, ok?

eye luv u always and forever,
j

August 4, 2005

Hi Jess,

How are you, it tears me up every time I read these pages. You and COle had such a bond. I am sorry I missed you in Washingto this year. It is 2 years today for me. I think about you often and wish we could talk again sometime,. It seems you have developed a bond with other people in our same situation. It is still very hard as you know. I wish you all the love and happiness that is out there. I know cole is watching you and smiling. He will be ther with you on the 1st day of school to help you out and make you smile. Just remember he can still hear you don't5 be afraid to talk to him.
Love
Missy

Missy Woodard
widow Deputy Woodard EOW 08/02/03

August 2, 2005

Hello my Angel, ny heart aches, I love you so. Always and forever. Mom

July 31, 2005

i'm sending lots of kisses your way today, baby...i'm missing you as usual and wishing i could snuggle with you on an overcast saturday. i'm getting some stuff together for my class, and i'd give anything to be able to tell you all about each student i met and how nervous i am about the first day of school! as i was sitting here making up our seating arrangement and typing up our class roster, this song came on. it's only part of the words, but these are the most fitting. i know you are my angel watching over me, and i know that i am NEVER alone.

"We all have our days
When nothing goes as planned
Not a soul in the world
Seems to understand
And for someone to talk to
You'd give anything
Well go on and cry out loud
'Cause someone's listenin'

Yeah, and call it an angel
Call it a muse
And call it karma that you've got comin' to you
What's the difference
What's in name
What matters most is never ever losin' faith
'Cause it's gonna be alright
You're not alone tonight

Keep your faith alive
You're not the only one"

"You're not alone tonight"
by Keith Urban

Jessibabe

July 30, 2005

hey my sweet, precious baby...
well i know you've been watching down over me. i feel like i haven't talked to you in FOREVER! but i have been talking about you all week long. i'm almost done with my first full week of student teaching. it was just pre-planning, but man have i already learned a ton. tonight was open house, and i know you were with me. when those kids starting walking in the doors, cole, i knew i was in the right place. they make it all worthwhile and i am so happy that i am getting to live out my own dream to teach. i know this is what you would want me to be doing - what i've always wanted to be doing. i've met one of the cops from cave spring. man, he reminds me a lot of you! he's so nice...he's come by our room every day and he just asks how things are going....so kind and caring and concerned. i kind of like to think it's you paying me a little visit in your uniform! ;P well babe, it has been a rough week. i just wanted to keep you posted. i have been thinking about you the whole time, and just thinking of what we might be doing these days together. you'd be getting so excited for me right now. you also would've been the one to calm me down the whole time i've been freaking out about getting our room set up and planning out our lessons. you were my rock, angel...you still are. thank you for helping me become the woman i am today. eye still luv u with all my heart and soul and wish you could come back to me. please continue to help me and guide me and visit me as often as you can.

~j

July 28, 2005

hey darlin'

it's been a rough night. sometimes i don't think i've ever felt so unwanted and confused and lost. i can't explain it, really. if i just had you by my side, things would be all right. you'd do whatever you had to to fix them. i guess i'm just missing you as always and wishing i could just talk to you. that's all i want is one more chance to soak it all up. please help me, cole. i need you so much. also, i start student teaching on monday. please be with me for that, too.

eye luv u.

jess

July 23, 2005

big night tonight...stay with me and help me out...wish me luck, babe!

eye luv u!

j

July 22, 2005

We thought of you today

We thought of you today
But that is nothing new
We thought of you yesterday
And will tomorrow too
We think of you in silence
And make no outward show
For what it meant to lose you
Only those who love you know
Remembering you is easy
We do it everday
ITs the heartache of losing you
That will never go away.

July 21, 2005

hey babe,
just me once more... have a couple things to ask of you...
i'm sure you were right in line to meet the young man from michigan the other day. you, dan, and bryan were probably telling him all the shortcuts and you BETTER have been telling him to help out his family and fiancee!! please help him out and watch over his fiancee too...i can't bear the thoughts of another young girl like the 3 j's. ;(

also by now you've probably met my roomie's dad. he joined you this morning in heaven. please help me to help her. gosh cole there are so many times i want to call you and ask you what to do or what i should say but you are not here. i do not understand why you are not here. YOU were supposed to be the strong one to help me through all of this. now it's up to me.

britt's friend is still not doing well either, so please watch out for her. and Lord knows you better be watchin britt. i can't be up there all the time. oh and i also visited you on saturday evening when i came home just for a quick visit. all of your stuff is still looking so lovely. i hope you like all your policemen and the car and all of our stuff.

okay well i guess you're probably tired...i wonder if angels get tired...anyway until i talk to you again my love, which will be in like 5.2 seconds when i stop writing and start thinking again, toodles!

eye luv u always and forever,
j

July 19, 2005

i miss you so much today :`(

know that i will always love you forever.

j

July 18, 2005

Hello my angel. I think of you constantly you are forever in my every . I dreamed you were a little boy last night and alive. The other night I dreamed your friends were catching shooting stars and handing them to me telling me they had not forgotten. Its a pretty afternoon. You would be sleeping late today then getting ready to go see Jess if you were not working. I miss that. I can see you telling me you are hungry what do we have. The simple things that are lost forever. They all hurt. I miss you my love. You are always with me. Mom never forgets and Mom always loves you forever and always.

July 17, 2005

good morning babe!

thank you for visiting me in my dreams last night. as usual, it hurts to awaken and realize it was only that - a dream...here and gone in a flash, but it was so good to see you again and to hear your voice. josh was there, too, and i hope you are watching over him still as always. i know he needs you!

eye luv u angel.

jessi

July 16, 2005

I guess I should apologize in advance for what I know is going to be a ‘novel’ as you used to call my notes to you! ;P I have a lot on my heart so I just need to let you know. I’ve had an extremely rough day…not anything in particular…just the missing you and wanting to be with you instead of where I am. I know you’re not ready to see me just yet…you are probably having fun with the new friends you’ve made up there. Don’t worry – I still have some stuff to take care of down here anyway.

Every time I sit down to write you something, my heart just stops. Although leaving you these messages helps me, sometimes it makes it all the more final and real…the fact that you are forever gone and never to return to this earth. Sometimes I feel like such a zombie going through the motions. I type these words and there is so much emotion behind them that I just cannot seem to convey adequately. I mean, seriously, Cole, how do I describe the love that you showered me with or the ache in my heart that is constant, pounding, and sometimes unbearable?? It’s so hard to explain what it’s like. Sure it is a different feeling from the night I found out and from the first few days and hours as we stood over you, me and your mom, straightening out your uniform so you would look just perfect. But in so many ways it’s still the same. I find more smiles these days but only because sometimes I just can’t cry another tear. I know you would be so mad at me, but at the same time, I think you would understand. You see how I hurt and how I just desire to be back in your arms. You see what a challenge it is to face each day without you. You see the pain in my eyes when I see another tall guy with dark hair and for that split second for some reason I still think it might just be you. And you see my heart break all over again when I hear someone say your name, but it is never you that answers or turns around to flash a smile or wave.

I’ve replayed the events of that night over and over in my head. People don’t understand the guilt involved. If I had just talked to you for a few more minutes, maybe you would still be here. Why didn’t I wake up and talk to you for just a little while longer. God, Cole, if I would have known it would be the last time, I’d have stayed up all night long. I know I can’t go back to that, and I know deep down that there is nothing I could have done to change things being an hour away. But what I wouldn’t give to go back to that moment at 12:45 when you called and I sleepily answered the phone. Just to hear that voice. And to hear you say I love you once more.

It’s so weird because so many people think I should be “over it” by now…I don’t really even know what that means anyway. I think in some ways I thought that I would be further ahead than I am after 2 years and 2 ½ months. Maybe that’s crazy. Actually I know it is…because I had no idea what life would be like without you. I mean you can try to imagine it…I thought, well maybe it will feel like he’s on vacation. And at first, it kind of did…it was the shock. Nothing seemed real. It didn’t sink in that you were gone – forever. But then, slowly the reality became much more obvious. And when I couldn’t call your cell phone to hear your voicemail or see you pull up beside me in your patrol car…it was just too much to bear.

I had to get out of that town, Cole. I hope you understand. I know I don’t come to visit you as often, mainly because I’m hardly ever in town. There are just too many memories down every road. It’s all I can do to go home to visit my family. That was supposed to be where we raised our own family, babe, and I just can’t stand the thoughts of being there without you.

Anyway, I know I say the same things when I write to you….all the time…but I guess that just shows that you are always on my mind. And sometimes all I can muster is a few words to just get it out of my system.

Well my dear (I know you hated to be called that ;P) I guess I will stop rambling…but I think you liked that about me. Always very up front and telling you exactly how I feel! Please watch over Josh and the other guys – I know some of them really truly do miss you.
Eye luv u my angel in blue,

jessi

p.s. my puppy, oliver, has allergies....he reminds me so much of you!! haha! yes, i know i've totally lost it now, but that's what you leaving has done to me! ;P missing you forever!

"in this life, i was loved by you"

July 12, 2005

Hello my Angel. I was daydreaming of you earlier today. I was dreaming of your smell. The way you felt when I touched you. The way your voice sounded. The feel of your hair the color and sparkle of your eyes when you smile. The way your fingers looked how you held a glass. The way you twirled your hair when you would get tired. So many little things that was you. I remember them all. I ache just for one of those memories to be viable again. You are with me every minute. I was getting grass out of the flower garden and thinking how you hate to mow the grass and how much it has rained lately. You would be dreading all the work in cleaning up the yard. Guess what?! I yes me have learned to mow a yard.! But I am currently banded from the mower apparently I lowered the blade to low and cut up a bunch of rocks. I just thought if I was going to mow might as well mow it as low as it could go. I still am not using a weed eater yet. But I am doing a lot of things that I never did before. You will be proud. I can take mowing or leave it, whatever. You would like the mower it something called a dixie chopper it kind of like riding a four wheeler to me. Not so bad. I have a coy pond now the fish are not as big as ours but they will get there. You would like it. It has two waterfalls. I have been so sad the last couple of weeks kind of in a daze you seem almost here but not. It is like existing but not existing. It is not like the first days but its not good either. Anyway I just wanted to talk for a minute you know touch in. ha ha!
I miss you Cole, I love you with every fiber that is me and more. Mom

July 12, 2005

Cole,
I heave been reading the reflections left by Jessi and your mom daily, it breaks my heart everytime. I just want you and everyone else to know that the department has not forgotten you. I had to go by dispatch the other day and they were training a knew dispatcher one of the other dispatchers was telling her all about you, I thought I was going to have to leave but I was able to keep it together. I know you are still watching over us, keep doing your job up there. I miss you.

Sgt. Joshua Etheridge
Chatsworth Police Department

July 11, 2005

well it's me again....i just can't seem to stay away from your page... i have checked it umpteen million times. i just had to tell you a couple things. i don't ever want you to feel like you've been forgotten or anything like that. when we went on our trip, britt brought your picture with her in the personalized frame that she made too. she carries it with her anytime she goes somewhere for a period of time. i asked her why and she said that she was remembering you and protecting you like you always did to her. she said you were always there for her and now it is her turn. she misses when you guys would gang up on me....don't worry she's doing plenty of it on her own nowadays!

ok the other thing is soooo weird and i know this came straight from you baby. i was talking to one of my friends... her boyfriend has just moved up to north carolina so they will be separated while she finishes her senior year with me. anyway, he wrote her a "goodbye" letter... at the end he told her that each day they are apart is a day closer to them being together forever... YOU TOLD ME THE SAME THING! it just triggered some memory in my head of you telling me that before i started college (which now seems like an eternity ago). and how fitting it is for her to tell me that today when i miss you so deeply and so painfully. it still applies to the situation now. each day that i am here alone without you on this earth is one day closer to the day when i will join you in heaven. i can't wait until that day when i see you again and i can talk your ears off!!

i guess i should let you get your job done up there. please know that i'm ok... i just miss you terribly and some days seem so hopeless and lost.

eye luv u.

j

July 10, 2005

when does it end, baby? when? another lonely night here....without you...as it will continue to be. i still don't understand, and i guess i never ever will. i just don't know why...why it had to be you and why it had to be so soon. i don't even know what to write as there are thousands of thoughts floating through my heart and my head. i know your mommy misses you terribly, baby....please just let her know somehow if you are okay. and maybe if you can visit me in my dreams too i would love to see you and feel you again... even though the pain will be unbearable in the morning, i just long to hear your voice and see you once more.

eye luv u always and forever. you will always be my hero, my angel, my protector, and my one true eternal love.

jess

July 9, 2005

Hello my angel I was at the ocean the last week. I kept remembering all the times we had and the things you did when we were there. On the way back we stopped at the Georgia Police Memorial. I touched your name and cried uncontrollably. I miss you so much my baby. It is so hard during a holiday. Why did you go and leave me here? It hurts Cole bad. Mom

July 9, 2005

Cole,
I am so sorry I did not get a chance to know you. I am however very thankful for the opportunity to meet Jessi this year at National Police Week. I am ever so thankful to have someone that "gets me" and all of the tragedies, tears and the occasional triumph. It is not often that the 3 J's have a triumph, but when we do, the whole group celebrates for the other.
Thank you for allowing me to know you through Jessi. She is and will forever be a beautiful tribute to your Spirit and soul. Together you two will always be bonded. Please continue to watch over her. I know the 3 (Cole, Daniel and Bryan) of you are in Heaven having a great time, but remember the 3 J's still have a LONG road ahead of us down here. I know you will send your Jessi lots of love today as I am wishing her great love and fortune.

Love,
Juli Verkler

July 9, 2005

I ran across this reflection a while back after visiting Rodney Davis reflection an officer killed in my county. I read all the things that Jess and your mom write and I have never met you or any of your family but as I read it I sat here in tears, my heart breaks for you. I can only offer God's love and my prayers to your family. My you feel his love and his arms around you daily.

Praying for you in Virginia

July 8, 2005

hello again my sweet love,

i'm sorry i haven't written in so long. i left on my birthday to head up to see our family in PA. we talked about you a lot on the way up there...12 hours in a van gives you plenty of time to think and reflect. anyway, it's so good to hear brittany tell stories about you. she still adores you completely, and she shares her memories when she knows i need them the most. it's so weird to think that i've now lived longer than you ever had the chance to. you accomplished so much more than i could even dream of at this point in my life. i am so incredibly proud of you and everything you did in the 20 years you were here on this earth.

it's still so hard...over 2 years later...so very hard. maybe this is wrong to say, but i hope you pick out a special man for me in the future when you think i'm ready. i know you wouldn't want me to be alone forever, but i just can't stand to face this world on my own. i know you are still cheering me on up there and helping me out as much as you can. i just want you here with me to share the tears of joy and even those of pain or whatever i have to face.

only 2 more weeks before i begin student teaching....i am so totally excited as you know! we might have a class of all-boys!!! yeah i know that would be all your doing!! i can't wait to get into the classroom again and meet my new kids.

well babe i guess i should get back to work. i just had to write to you even though i talk to you all the time anyway. eye luv u.

j

Jessi
fiancee

July 8, 2005

Hello my son:
Fourth of July is nearing and the closer it gets the stronger the images. I remember our first 4th of July as you were a baby. Then the later years and you would have me go to Tennessee and by you fireworks. We would go to the local park and watch the fireworks. Then you would have people over and shoot the fireworks from our deck. I can see you so clearly. I can even remember the last shirt you had on when you did this. I can see you so clearly in my minds eye, smiling and having such a good time. I cried last night I miss our family so much being together sharing things. What you and Jess did what happened at work. It goes through my mind constantly. The hurt never goes away and it so permanent. I know we will see each other in heaven but that does not stop my heart for aching for your sight, your smile and your words. Cole I love you so much and the hurt just keeps coming I feel so alone without you. No family no son to share in his family its awful. Don't forget mom will love you forever and always. You are my first thought in the mornings in between and my last thought before sleep. I want you happy above all things. Don't pay me any attention, my heart just aches but I am ok. Soar high my angel and do your job well in the heavens. Mom will take care of down here. Always and forever. Mom :)

July 2, 2005