Family, Friends & Fellow Officers Remember...

hey baby,

so last night i went to waffle house with a couple friends. a cop was in there and of course instantly i thought about you for like the 3,494,928,176th time in the day! anyway, for some reason it just made me think about that time that you and josh were eating at subway. you called to see if i wanted anything, and all i wanted was a chocolate chip cookie. well they were apparently out of them, b/c i didn't get my chocolate chip, but you did bring me something else over to the park where i was. you were always willing to do anything for me and for everyone else for that matter. it was part of who you were. i know you are proud of what you accomplished here, but it's so hard to not see you and talk to you and touch you. but i still feel you everytime i call out your name i know you surround me with your angel wings!! (i know they're not very manly, but i'm sure you have them!! hehe)

eye luv u always and forever.

Jessi
Fiancee

September 23, 2005

To the family and friends of Officer Cole Martin and his fellow officers with the Chatsworth Police Dept:

I was so saddened to read about the tragic circumstances in which Officer Martin lost his life. On behalf of our entire family, I wish to extend our sincerest condolences for the grievous loss you have suffered.

In reading the reflections about Cole, it is obvious he was well loved by many . How sad that he died at such a young age with a lifetime ahead of him. A lot of shattered dreams died with him as is evidenced by the loving reflections left for him.

To Cole's Mom, you write so movingly about Cole and what his loss has meant for you. The loss of your child is an undescribable pain which you somehow find the words to describe. Cole will never be forgotten by those who loved him, and those who gained an appreciation of him through the reflections left for him.

I hope that you all continue to be comforted by the law enforcement community and other police survivors. Our family grieves with you and for you. We too share your anquish as we lost our beloved Larry Lasater of the Pittsburg Police Dept. when he was fatally shot this April during a foot pursuit of two bank robbers.

This reflection is sent with the utmost respect for the service Cole gave to his community, and the supreme sacrifice he and his family made on April 25, 2003.

Phyllis Loya, mother of fallen officer
Larry Lasater, Pittsburg, CA PD
eow 4/24/05

September 22, 2005

once again i come here hoping to find some peace and comfort and i guess in some ways it does come. i just don't know sometimes cole. i don't understand why things are the way they are and i don't know how to deal with them and move on from here. i wish you could talk to me and just whisper something in my ears. please please help me through all of this stuff. you see what is going on and i know you would be encouraging me all the way and never letting me give up on any of it. i love you so very much and can never get my mind off of you.

eye luv u my blue angel,
jess

September 21, 2005

Cole -

Your Jessi truly inspires me everyday. I just recieved the most perfect CD that she made for me. She always know the exact time that I need extra encouragement, and let me just tell you today is no exception! Jessi has become one of my best friends, and I can see why you loved her so much. She is wonderful. I am so glad that you and Daniel allowed us to meet, and I know you are up there with my Dan, and Juli's Bryan, helping us girls through everything. What is Heaven like? Beautiful I can only hope. My only regret is not ever being able to meet you. Jessi tells me stories all the time about you - and her eyes shine like diamonds when she speaks of you. What a special relationship you two had and still have even through death.

Thank you so much Cole; for allowing me to meet Jess.

Jessica Ruhl
Fiancee of Ofcr Dan Starks
EOW 10.25.03

FL Jess

September 19, 2005

i felt you this morning with me. eye luv u cole.
j

September 17, 2005

Jessi and Cole's mom,

Your courage is truly an inspiration. No words can express how truly amazing you are. Cole will never be forgotten, even to those of us who never met him. Please know that he is always with you. I will say a prayer to him to watch over you both.

" never dreamed it would be me
My name for all eternity
Recorded here at this hallowed place
Alas, my name, no more my face

"In the line of duty" I hear them say
My family now the price will pay
My folded flag stained with their tears
We only had those few short years

The badge no longer on my chest
I sleep now in eternal rest
My sword I pass to those behind
And pray they keep this thought in mind

I never dreamed it would be me
And with heavy heart and bended knee
I ask for all here from the past
Dear God, let my name be the last"

"Blessed are the peacemakers; for they shall be called the children of God." Matthew 5:9

Police Officer Chris Farrell
Saint Paul Police Department

September 15, 2005

i'm leaving this song because it gives me just a little bit of peace and comfort. i'm always missing you more than any words could ever express or explain. it's the smallest things that make me think of you....everything that was the essence of you...

Third Day's "Cry Out to Jesus"
To everyone who's lost someone they love
Long before it was their time
You feel like the days you had were not enough
when you said goodbye

And to all of the people with burdens and pains
Keeping you back from your life
You believe that there's nothing and there is no one
Who can make it right

There is hope for the helpless
Rest for the weary
Love for the broken heart
There is grace and forgiveness
Mercy and healing
He'll meet you wherever you are
Cry out to Jesus, Cry out to Jesus

For the marriage that's struggling just to hang on
They lost all of their faith in love
They've done all they can to make it right again
Still it's not enough

For the ones who can't break the addictions and chains
You try to give up but you come back again
Just remember that you're not alone in your shame
And your suffering

When you're lonely
And it feels like the whole world is falling on you
You just reach out, you just cry out to Jesus
Cry to Jesus

To the widow who struggles with being alone
Wiping the tears from her eyes
For the children around the world without a home
Say a prayer tonight

jessi

September 14, 2005

AMAZING GRACE: The Policeman's Tribute

A man in blue has lost his life
in service of the law.
The love that makes this sacrifice
is the greatest love of all.

A police man was killed today,
the reason why I cannot say.
I don't know why he had to die.
The man in blue died for me and you;
we must remember him too.

Flags fly low, let us bow in prayer
for fallen police men everywhere;
and remember this:
that they are missed.
The badge burns bright like an evening star free from a world of war

I just wanted to stay I am sorry for your lost. I also lost my best friend Adam R Fleshner e.o.w 01/13/03 just know that god only takes the best!!

May the lord keep watch between you and me when we are away from each other.' Gen.31:49

Holly Spikes
Charlton County SO

September 12, 2005

Dearest Cole~
Please watch over your beloved Jessi as she endures the difficult task of going through student teaching without you. Lord knows that you are still there with her every step of the way, but please allow her to feel your massive strength as she endures everyday that she encounters with her students'. I know that you will always send your love to her. The time frame for your love will be forever and always.
Please Cole, allow your precious Jessi to feel your love and support in this crucial time of her life.
Love,

Juli Verkler
Widow of Ptlm. Bryan S. Verkler EOW 12.13.03

September 10, 2005

My baby thank you for all the dragonflys. They surround me and suddenly I can feel your love again. I am sorry I cried when I saw them the other day I was afraid you would not send them again. Don't stop sending them it helps. Thank you for remembering the double rainbow. It was just like the one the day after you had gone. I remember it like yesterday. I treasure and love these things you send to mom. Cole if you can and I know you will if at all possible be with and help all those who have lost so much in the gulf. I know you would be there if you were here. Maybe you were mean't to be in heaven to help more. Always my precious angel and God blessed me in allowing me to be your Mom and I thank God everyday for that wonderful gift. I love you with all my heart and soul, my son, my angel, my friend forever and always

MOM

September 7, 2005

hey angel,
i just had to write you once again. i know after almost 2 1/2 years of these desperate messages, you are probably tired of me. it has just been a really rough day. we had classes even though it was labor day, so i'm exhausted on what's supposed to be a holiday. i'm just in such a horrible mood. i miss you like nobody's business, and i don't know how i can get through this year. it's tougher than i ever imagined, and you should be here cheering me on the rest of the way. i've come so far, but i just feel like giving up. i feel like i can't do it anymore. all i want to do is teach and be with my kids. this is no fun without you to come home to and whine to. it's not fair. i don't understand how everyone else practically gets to have their lives and mine is on hold in some senses. the year that was supposed to be the happiest is probably my worst. people don't understand, and they think i'm crazy i'm sure. but i just don't understand why i have to live without you for the rest of my life. how things have changed. i know you are tired of my whining, but i also know that it wasn't your choice to leave. sure, you knew the risk, and you knew it might happen someday, but i don't think you would have gone just yet if you had a choice. i hope that you are giving your parents some peace. i'm so glad that you had the relationship that you did. cole i hope you knew and still realize today how much love surrounds you. i hope you know that you are still a huge influence on my everyday life, and my decisions are based on who you have helped me to become. i can't stand the pain of not having you, but i know you are always alive in my heart, thoughts, and words.

eye luv u baby.

jess

September 5, 2005

thank you, thank you for all the signs today...i know you sent them just when i needed them the most. i wish you were here as always. missing you the mostestest! :P

eye luv u.

j

Jessi

September 4, 2005

My dear friend Jessi,

Journeying through these difficult times together has made the heartaches and burdens of losing the ones we loved so much a little more bearable. It's been 1 year and 4 months tomorrow that I lost Josh, and even longer that you have had to live your life without Cole. I know how hard it is for you and how devastating some days can still be. Just know that I love you and that I pray for you. Continue to remember how much Cole loved you and all the things he did to make you smile each and every day he lived on this earth. When I think about all the funny things Josh said and did and all of the sweet moments we shared together, I cannot help but smile (those smiles get me through so many heartbreaking days). I know that we will remember those moments with our guys forever. I pray that the Lord will send you rays of sunshine and hope each day. The Lord loves you so much, Jessi. I'm here for you always.

Love & prayers,
Kel
S.O. to Deputy Sheriff Joshua E Blyler EOW: 5.2.04

Kelly Gillain
Sig. Other to Deputy Sheriff Joshua E. Blyler EOW: 5.2.04

August 31, 2005

hey my baby,

another day is done, and i've made it through somehow. sometimes i think it's just the world pushing me through not really me putting forth any special effort. i miss you so much more and more every day...and like your mommy said, you can never rebuild the life we once shared with you. ever. it kills me to admit that, but it is the truth. how could we ever be expected to return to our lives. that has all changed. this morning while i was getting ready to go teach my kiddos, i was listening to the radio as usual. you always send me special songs when i need them. i heard this one, "you're gone" and of course i was transported in time to the last time i saw you. i blink back the tears, but i can't blink away the pain. and then tonight on the way home i heard that leann rimes song, "probably wouldn't be this way"....i know you still love me baby. and i hope you know that i still love you too.


I said hello i think i'm broken
And though i was only jokin'
It took me by surprise when you agreed
I was tryin' to be clever
For the life of me i never
Would have guessed how far the simple truth would lead
You knew all my lines
You knew all my tricks
You knew how to heal that pain
No medicine can fix

And i bless the day i met you
And i thank god that he let you
Lay beside me for a moment that lives on
And the good news is i'm better
For the time we spent together
And the bad news is you're gone

Lookin' back it's still surprisin'
I was sinking you were rising
With a look you caught me in mid-air
Now i know god has his reasons
But sometimes it's hard to see them
When i awake and find that you're not there
You found hope in hopeless
Your made crazy sane
You became the missing link
That helped me break my chains

Diamond Rio's "You're Gone"



EYE LUV U ALWAYS AND FOREVER,

j

August 30, 2005

Cole
Life now is like a large plate glass or a hugh mirror that has broken into 29 million pieces all small like shards or slivers of glass. You try and put the mirror back together you pick up the little pieces and try to mold them back into what was once a life. However there is no glue or adhesive to hold it together. The pieces so fragile and shakey that the least little bit of wind or puff shatters the pieces again. You were the adhesive and glue that gave my life meaning. I live another week and think I am a little closer to seeing you. You brought my life meaning and reason. Without you there is no longer that peace love and grace that you brought to our lives. I think you know by now how much influence and meaning you brought to my life. One thing is for certain you are always in my heart and mind always. I love you more than any word could ever communicate.

Cole's Mom

August 30, 2005

thanks for the dreams, but why does it have to hurt so bad when i wake up and reality slaps me in the face. you stole my heart years ago, and it still remains with you to this day. eye luv u my angel. please protect all of us left down here until our time comes to see you in Heaven.

sending you kisses,
j

August 28, 2005

cole, i don't understand why things have to be so complicated. i don't know what's going on anymore. i just wonder if things will ever become "normal" for me? i still just feel so lost and abandoned. please please help me whenever you can. i still love you more than anyone can imagine.

Jessi

August 26, 2005

Cole,
I have been in a class, in Rome, all week and alot of the things that they are teaching just keeps reminding me of you. We have been talking alot about vehicle searches and I keep remembering on your last night how you backed me up on one of my vehicle searches. It is unusual how the small things always make me think of you and how much I (along with the rest of the department) miss you. Keep an eye on everything up there and I'll try to keep things here in order.

Sgt. Joshua Etheridge
Chatsworth Police Dept.

August 24, 2005

yes, it's me again, cole!! ;P today is the first day of my LAST YEAR OF COLLEGE!!! i just wanted to ask you to watch over me and help me through not only today, but the rest of this year. it's going to be a difficult one, but i know i have YOU on my side, my angel!!

eye luv u always and forever,

jess

August 22, 2005

hey baby...

i can't imagine how much your mom and dad love you and miss you, but i know how much i do myself. it's been another long hard day for me and sometimes i feel like i'm drowning. i keep paddling but i don't get any further ahead. i just wish that things could return to normal...and despite that wish, i know that it's impossible to ever go back to the way things were. why does it have to be this way? why do i have to cry myself to sleep and wonder if i will live my life alone and unloved? it isn't fair and my heart is broken into a million pieces. i thought i had done some work to find a few of the pieces, but maybe i was wrong. i don't know how i can do this day after day. i would give anything to have you. i know i've said all this a million times, but i just can't do it anymore. i love you too much. tell me how i'm supposed to stop loving you or how i'm supposed to "move on"...it doesn't happen that way. you will always be mine, and it kills me inside that this happened. it still just doesn't make any sense in the world why YOU of all people had to die before you were even 21. i don't get it. i don't understand how it happened or why it happened or why they can save millions of other people, but not my baby. i know you would be so disappointed in me right now and tell me to dry up my tears and smile. then you'd tease me until the corners of my mouth turned up again and into a smirk. i try to do so well and to make you proud and remember you with good memories and laughter...but sometimes it gets the best of me. maybe it's times like these that i'm reminded of just how strong our love was and continues to be. at least my love is still that strong for you. maybe you cannot love when you are in Heaven, and maybe you don't even know i still think about you, but that would kill me. so i'll leave you with tons of kisses (and tears....but you always knew i was emotional) and an extra special "eye luv u"......

j

August 18, 2005

Son,
I Love You. I will see you some day.

DAD

August 17, 2005

good night, my angel...
it has been a rough week already, and it's only monday! less than a week before classes start back for me. it's so hard to think that i'm a senior already...and that you are not here with me to enjoy my last year and all the excitement. just 3 years ago, i was so nervous to even be starting college even though i knew you were by my side. you were so ecstatic for me, though, because you knew it was a dream i've had since i was little. that is the one thing that really sticks out about you in my mind...your determination to reach your goals and the level of support you always provided me with to help me reach mine. i wish we could live out our dreams together. how i wish i could turn back the hands of time. i still think of the day i moved in...probably almost 3 years ago to the day. you came over that morning to tell me goodbye...and boy were you tired!! early mornings were not your thing, were they baby?!?! i didn't know how i would live without you, even just being an hour away. it's hard to think that i have made it this far "without" you. i know that in reality, you never really left me for good. it may feel that way sometimes, but i know you're lingering around somewhere in the shadows helping me up when i stumble. i'm kind of at this weird place. it's almost become normal for you not to be here, but i still expect you to call or pull up beside me at a red light...or even come sliding in with your blue lights flashing. i still miss you like no one can imagine, but it's different now. the pain is far deeper and i think it's more the reality of what was supposed to be happening at this point in our lives. i think it's the reality that i still have a whole life to live without you. and i know i've thought of these things before, but sometimes they hit harder than others. it's knowing that i'm getting to live out my dream, and you can't anymore. it's seeing how everyone has changed and "moved on" while i still feel stuck and motionless...somewhat lost in this sea of emotions. sometimes it all comes crashing back like a huge wave that just swallows me hole and i don't know where to look or what to do or how to even get back to the surface. it's in those moments when i least expect them that i feel you most. and i know that's the way you'd have it. you want me to struggle and figure things out on my own, so that i prove that i can do it. but you also step in just when it's getting to be too much. you won't let me fall.

my teacher was talking today about going with some of his friends to shoot skeets or whatever those things are. instantly you popped into my head because you used to love going to do that from time to time. then for some reason i thought about the time that i came and swapped cars with you so that i could take yours to get the oil changed and i cleaned the whole thing for hours! your mom was so happy because your car was a wreck inside! oh and i remember hearing you and the crew talk about when you pulled up at nathan's in the patrol car! haha! i bet that was a hoot! man, it's times like these that i miss you most. i shouldn't have to be leaving you a note on here, and you shouldn't have to be reading it from Heaven, even though i know you are. sorry i have written another novel, but sometimes i can't keep the words inside.

eye luv u so very very much baby

Jessi

August 15, 2005

miss you my angel... it hurts so much.

eye luv u,
j

August 14, 2005

COLE,

I MISS YOU ALOT MY FRIEND AND I THINK ABOUT YOU AND THE REST OF THE GUYS DAILY. IT HURTS EVERY TIME I COME HOME AND KNOW THAT YOUR NOT OUT THERE ON THE STREETS. IT WAS MY PLEASURE AND HONOR TO HAVE KNOWN YOU COLE. I KNOW I WILL SEE YOU AGAIN ON THE OTHER SIDE.
MY PRAYERS GO OUT TO YOUR LOVED ONES.


YOUR FRIEND,
ADAM LOFTY

CSSN LOFTY, ADAM
US NAVY

August 10, 2005

well today has been a rough one, my angel. i have missed you so so incredibly, unbearably much. i had to run home to take care of some stuff. it was so unimaginably difficult to be in that town again. i don't know what it it - the memories, the fact that you're not there patrolling, or just the fact that so much has changed and life seems to have moved on for pretty much everyone else in that place besides our families....it's just so hard. i can't explain it, and i know those who love you as do i understand somewhat. i went to visit you...first time i've been there (or been home in fact) since father's day i think. i didn't really want to be in that place, that dreadful cemetery, but somehow i felt a little closer to you. i showed you my new car...it's black, too...after i got it, i remember thinking, "man, and i was so mad at cole for getting a black car that would show so much dirt!" haha!! anyway, when i got there, i realized that one of the pictures was missing...the one you always had by your bed and the one that was your favorite of me - you begged me to have a copy...it has been at the cemetery since the day your mom found it and since they finished everything up at your grave. it's gone. i am not sure how but i kept it together in front of brittany, but then i called my mom on my way back down to my apartment and burst into tears. honey, i know that you know how much i love you regardless of what i put out there or how many pictures, flower arrangements, or police figurines and statues we leave. but it is so personal to me that you have those things that you loved in life close to you now as well. cole my love for you will never die, and it can span eternity. i know it's "just a picture" but it means so much. i'm so hurt deep inside that it's gone, but i know that you don't doubt my love for you regardless of why it is now gone. please never forget that you are my prince and my hero, and i cherish every moment we spent together.

eye luv u always and forever.

p.s. if you could help me out, it would be really great....i'm having a really rough time lately. and if you could watch over britt....she needs it extra right now.

jess

August 9, 2005