Family, Friends & Fellow Officers Remember...

i did not want to write this message and push down your momma's, but i had to write as well. reading her words brings me to tears and makes me think back to how things used to be. how we were happy together and nothing could get us down. outback dinners with bloomin onions and your bloody steaks... being over at your house while she vacuumed downstairs and you'd talk about how loud it always was... i just remember it all. those memories never fade.

3 years ago today you were graduating from the police academy here in rome. God, how proud i was to ride home with you. how proud we all were that you made it through near the top of your class and were finally able to live out your dream. you looked so "cute" in your "little uniform" all pressed and straight, not a wrinkle in the whole thing. how proud i was to watch you and the other guys walk across and stand so tall and proud. three years ago today i was thinking that i was the luckiest girl in the world to have you by my side.

well, cole, i still count myself the luckiest girl. despite having had to lose you and deal with the pain and agony, i would do it ten thousand more times just to have your love. i think i have just about decided that my chance at love is over, for you were my one and only. that's okay with me, because it was enough and always will be. i know what it's like to truly be in love and to share life with your soulmate. it wasn't for very long, and i'm sorry that we never got to get married... but knowing that you were mine and i was yours is enough for me.

i'm going out of town with my family for christmas...it's just too hard to be in town knowing you're not there with me. i've tried to pick up the pieces of my broken heart and world and put them back together little by little to form this new picture, but the pieces don't fit like they used to. i don't know why i try to make them fit...i know deep down it's not the same. i know that what we had was so unique that nothing like it will ever come again. that may sound depressing, but i just cherish that relationship and thank God so much that he blessed me with you! what i wouldn't give to still be with you...

eye luv u always and forever,
jess

December 6, 2005

My wonderful, wonderful son Cole. That word is so special. I try and use it as much as I can. I love to talk about you. I dreamed of you the other night. I captured your essence once more. You were a little boy when everything, was Momma, Momma, Momma. Sometimes, I can hear another child say that name and for an instant I am so happy. Then I remember that I cannot hear those words again from my Cole. Its funny how you yearn for such a simple word as "Momma".

I wasn't going to write here anymore, I thought I would just write you letters in my journal. But maybe somehow someone might get something from this when they are at a low point at the holiday season you never know. I was thinking about your graduation day from the academy. I got two pictures of you. I wanted you to take a picture with me, but you were ready to go and said "we will get one later Momma". That later did not come for us. It is funny how you remember these little things. Well its the holidays, I am going to try them this year. I read from COPS that a suvivor is to make what you can of holidays if you say you cannot do them then you cannot but, if you have it in your mind to have a good time then you will. If you cannot you owe no one an explanation. Its not that easy. The new familys you have know you as some sort of story. Or that I am sad and crying over the "tradegy" of the loss of my son. Its not that they do not care they do. I just do not believe that someone can understand the loss of someone you love with all your heart. Unless they have had a similar loss. Jesse said it gets worse. The holidays, birthdays, the anniversary date they are the hardest. There is not much you can do for you anymore, but love you with all my heart and keep your grave. That makes me so mad to think that all I can do on Christmas is to fix your grave. I want to see you, I want to talk to you, I want to hear your voice. I want to feel your touch when you hug me, I want to feel you giving me a kiss on the cheek and say "Momma I love you" You will be 24 on June 4. I miss not seeing you at 21,22,23 and now 24. I want to see the man you are or would have been at those ages. I want you to know the latest in all the electronic stuff. I know all the right things. your time was up you had done the things the lord put you here to do. It still does not help the total loss of the survivors and thier yearning for just the smallest of things you were. I have got on a roll Cole. Mom can still yak ha ha. Cole I miss you everyday. You are in every thought. Nan cried yesterday as we were talking about xmas and how it is all gone. It makes us sad to be around other familys. It makes us want those precious moments again. Cole watch over Nan she needs you and Daddy. I cannot even imagine or think what will happen when she goes. I really thought you would always be here. I never for a second thought you would not. I was going to quit work and me and Dad were going to keep our Grandbabies. I wanted a little girl, you wanted a little boy first or you kidded me you did. So many lives lost, it is hard to understand that is the way of life. I guess that is part of the lessons we learn. I am so proud to be your momma. Be happy my young man we will make it here by the Grace of our Lord and knowing we will someday not so far away meet again. All my love. Merry Christmas my baby.

Momma

December 6, 2005

Jessi,
I just wanted to let you know that my thoughts and prayers are with you and Cole's family. I was just reading through the reflections you have left for your fiance, and I cannot stop the tears from running down my cheeks. I lost my precious fiance, Terry Melancon , just four months ago. This is definitely the worst pain imagineable. Just as you have written, the pain increases by the day, and I know that it will continue to do so until we see them again. Until then we have our guardian angels looking at us, and patiently waiting for us to return home.

Lynn Harwell
fiancee of Det Terry Melancon
E.O.W. 8-10-05

December 4, 2005

Dear Cole --

i know you are quite busy up there patroling the streets of Heaven..but if i can just ask one request i would be grateful. jess really need you right now. more than ever with all of this school stuff and other stuff..if you could just send her some Heavenly wisdom, and some hugs id really appreciate it. she is so strong and is doing a great trying to make it without you - i know you are proud of her.

thanks cole.

Jessica Ruhl/FL Jess

November 29, 2005

please please please help me right now

eye luv u always and forever

~j

November 27, 2005

hey my angel,
just wanted to tell you that i love you and have been thinking about you as always. i was telling some people the other day about how you used to call me when you were on a chase and i'd just about die in my chair. i wanted to strangle you for scaring me to death, but then i knew it was what you lived for. i knew it made you glow, and i was so very proud of you for doing what you did every single day. i have been talking a little bit to another girl who lost the love of her life. he is now in Heaven with you, and i ask that you show him around and remind him how important it is to visit us girls still here. she is so lost, so heartbroken, so sensitive, and so so very empty. it takes me back to the moment i heard the same words over 2 1/2 years ago. if i think about it too long, i get sick to my stomach almost instantly. it's still hard to believe. she asked if it gets any easier. sadly, i had to tell her, "no, it gets worse...but you learn how to deal with it." but then i thought about that, too, and i'm not sure that i have learned how to deal with it. i guess there comes a point when you realize you must continue ahead in life without that person and you do things that you've set goals to do. and you learn to love those around you and count your blessings every single day and just eagerly await the day when you'll see that person again. i'm glad to know that all i'm living for is not what is here on this earth...but rather what is eternal and everlasting...that is, our home in Heaven.

well baby, i have to go teach my young 'uns tomorrow. be with me, as always. i'm going home later this week for thanksgiving. i remember our thanksgiving...gosh...3 years ago now with your family since mine was out of town. it will never be the same. please take care of your momma and daddy and nan. and if you have some time, visit my family too and send us your love.

eye luv u,
jessi

November 20, 2005

Well its almost Thanksgiving and I know it is going to be hard for everyone. But I pray for everyone that they will make it thru the holidays strong. This year is going to be pretty hard for me because this is the first year without both of my great grandmothers. You know how traditional we are and it is going to be so different without them here with us. But I know eveything will go ok.
My cousin Chris who just got out of the air force is in the police acadamey in North Carolina, he will be graduating from there on Dec. 23. That is kind of weird, knowing what that date was and that he is graduating that day. I really don't like the idea of him becoming a cop, I guess I just can't stand to have anyone I love very much being in that field anymore. But I have learned that it doesn't matter what profession you are, when the Lord is ready for you to go home he takes you home. Well it is time for me to go to class. I love and miss you very much.
my thoughts and prayers always with everyone and especially thru the holidays.

Heather

November 16, 2005

Dear Jessi,
Thinking of you always. I know it's still so hard to believe that Cole is gone....I tackle the reality of losing Josh each and every minute of every day. But, in the midst of all the grief, pain, and hurt, you have grown in your faith and have found strength to survive each day without Cole. Rest assured that Cole would be proud of you for that. May you continue to reach toward heaven, looking to the Lord for your every step in this walk of life. Know that when it seems no one understands the pain you're in...I do. I'm here for you always.

Love & prayers,
Kelly
S/O Joshua Blyler EOW: 5.2.04

Kelly Gillain
OfficerDownSignificantOthers

November 9, 2005

it's been a couple weeks since i've written, but that in no way means that i've forgotten my angel. i was just sitting here thinking about you and wondering how things would be so different if you were here. what would you like look and what would you say to me when i call you crying because i'm stressed. would we be looking to buy a house or talking about wedding guests and invitations. so many questions unanswered and always will be. so many times i've asked why and how and if and they do no good whatsoever.

what i've learned especially here lately is that i can honor you much more by carrying out my hopes and dreams... achieving the goals i set for myself so long ago. being a loyal friend and helping people out when they need it. that is what you always did.

now of course it's so easy to write all of this but quite a different story to live it and not be sad because you are gone. i've decided that it's not that i'm not sad anymore. i am. i will always miss you and wish that this never happened. the reality, however, is that you are gone and i won't see you again until i get to heaven. at least i have something to look forward to.

so sometimes i sit here and think how can i do this...can i make it another day...i can't handle it anymore... and then i think of you. and i think of all the times you encouraged me and the fact that the majority of these things i'm dealing with with school and teaching and classes and work... they really don't matter. what matters is the love we show and share. what matters is the type of person we choose to be on this earth. what matters is our relationships to people and to the Big Guy in Heaven. what matters is how we choose to deal with our sufferings and tragedies. it just keeps slapping me in the face that i need to focus on what really matters and what truly mattered between the two of us. all of these other things will come and go, but love lasts a lifetime and hopefully our relationships will too.

cole thank you for showing me how to love and how to become the young woman i am today. i am sorry if i was not all you needed me to be back then. but i think that this had to happen to push me forward on this journey through life. i love you so much and please know that i will always carry you with me in my heart and soul.

EYE LUV U ALWAYS AND FOREVER.
YOU ARE THE REASON I AM; YOU ARE ALL MY REASONS.

~jessi

p.s. PLEEEEASE take care of my sister.... you see what she is dealing with, and i can't be there to do anything about it. you always told me you would protect her, so please give her some angelic assistance! ;P

November 8, 2005

Cole,
Sorry I haven't been able to leave a reflection lately but, my dsl was down because Amanda and I just moved into our house. I still thnk about you everyday especially while I am at work everything that happens reminds me of you and the great times that we had. I can never tell you how much that you meant to me, I only wish that you were still here with us. Please keep watching over Jessi (although I know that you will).

Sgt. Joshua Etheridge
Chatsworth Police Dept.

November 6, 2005

I love you so much Cole. Mom never forgets and please don't you forget. My baby boy for eternity.

always and forever MOM

November 4, 2005

RIP Cole! You were so young and that makes me think about my own mortality. But that in no way makes me not want to become a LEO. It actually makes me want to do it more, in your honor. I hope to meet you one day, hopefully not soon but if the good man calls I am ready. To Jessi and Cole's mom, stay strong, Cole is with you and always will be. Everything in life happens for a reason, even if we do not know what it is. I will be carrying the watch for you soon! RIP Brother!

Aaron Zevgolis
Aspiring Police Officer Hopewell, VA

November 3, 2005

To Where You Are
Music: Richard Marx
Lyrics: Linda Thompson

Who can say for certain
Maybe you're still here
I feel you all around me
Your memories so clear

Deep in the stillness
I can hear you speak
You're still an inspiration
Can it be
That you are mine
Forever love
And you are watching over me from up above

Fly me up to where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile to know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are

Are you gently sleeping
Here inside my dream
And isn't faith believing
All power can't be seen

As my heart holds you
Just one beat away
I cherish all you gave me everyday
'Cause you are mine
Forever love
Watching me from up above

And I believe
That angels breathe
And that love will live on and never leave

Fly me up
To where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile
To know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are

I know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are

October 29, 2005

Jess - I heard this song on the radio by Brad Paisely. It so reminded me of our angels.
Love,
Jess

When I Get Where Im Going

When I get where I'm going
On the far side of the sky
The first thing that I'm gonna do
Is spread my wings and fly

I'm gonna land beside a lion
And run my fingers through his mane
Or I might find out what it's like
To ride a drop of rain

[Chorus]
Yeah when I get where I'm going
There'll be only happy tears
I will shed the sins and struggles
I have carried all these years
And I'll leave my heart wide open
I will love and have no fear
Yeah when I get where I'm going
Don't cry for me down here

I'm gonna walk with my grand daddy
And he'll match me step for step
And I'll tell him how I missed him
Every minute since he left
Then I'll hug his neck

[Repeat chorus]

So much pain and so much darkness
In this world we stumble through
All these questions I can't answer
So much work to do

But when I get where I'm going
And I see my maker's face
I'll stand forever in the light
Of his amazing grace
Yeah when I get where I'm going
There'll be only happy tears
Hallelujah
I will love and have no fear
When I get where I'm going

Dan Stark's Fiancee

October 27, 2005

Two and a half years exactly today. I can't even believe it. Give me the strength I need to make it through today.

EYE LUV U ALWAYS AND FOREVER,

your baby dolly wolly

Jessi
Fiancee

October 25, 2005

good mornin to the best guardian angel,
i just had to tell you that i got my scores back from my test. i PASSED!! that means when i graduate, i will get certified to teach in GA!!!! this is just one step closer to living out my dream. thank you for all the help you have given me and for the strength you've sent my way. i couldn't do it without your love from above. i hope that i am making you proud up there and that the determination i am displaying is reflective of yours in becoming a police officer.

oh, by the way, you, dan, and bryan better be watching over my florida jess. that hurricane is heading straight for them. i visited daniel 2 weeks ago now... there is absolutely NO DOUBT in my mind that you welcomed him into heaven that night. you had such a good heart, baby, and i know that you have left such a lasting impression on our hearts forever...on anyone who met you even once.

eye luv u.

Jessi

October 21, 2005

cole,
please please help me. this semester is killing me. i am so extremely overwhelmed and things are falling apart left and right. i'm not sure how much more i can take of all of this. i am almost mad that you are not here by my side to help me through all of this. i haven't felt this out of control, lost, and stressed since you left me. please send me your love and strength to help me pull through these last couple months.

eye luv u and God, how i wish you were here,

j

October 19, 2005

Cole,
Thank you for helping me to meet your Jess and for bringing Jess Squared and myself to be friends. I have a strong feeling that you, Daniel and Bryan are great friends.
Jess,
I'm sorry I haven't gotton to talk to you lately, but I am thinking of you and I wanted you to know that I am sure Cole is so proud of you. I know that you will be an awesome teacher, and that you have so much to give to those children whose lives you touch everyday. Miss you and Love Ya Girl!

Juli Verkler
Widow of Ptlm. Bryan S. Verkler EOW 12/13/03

October 19, 2005

Cole -

Well the GA Jess is now back home safe and sound, and I miss her terribly! I still cannot believe how we met - but everytime I am around your Jess she lifts me up so much with her encouragement. What a great friend I have found and one that I will have forever I am sure. We talk about you and my Daniel all the time - and what you guys are doing up in Heaven. If anything good has come out of both me and Jess' situation it is that we became friends through just a chance encounter at the first year COPS significant other's group. I remember how upset she was, how much she loved you, and how much I understood exactly how she felt - brokenhearted. You must be so proud of the way she has picked up her life and carried on and has made her commitmetn to teaching and serving our Lord. I know each and every day is a struggle for her without you. I hate the fact that you were taken from her and that my Daniel was taken from me. But we must press on because I know if the tables were turned -- you guys would do the same for us. My only prayer and request to you is that you keep her safe, and help her through everything everyday. The sparkle in her eyes everytime she talks about you is enough to know she has never stopped loving you - even though you are gone and live on in spirit now. We all know you are still here - and nothing can take away the love that the two of you have. I am convinced that she will love you for the rest of her life.

Thanks Cole for everything and take care of my angel baby Daniel. :)

Love,
Jessica (FL Jess)
Fiancee of Police Officer Dan Starks
EOW 10.25.03

October 17, 2005

Cole -

Your Jess and I have had so much fun these past few days just talking about you and Dan. Thank you for such a wonderful time of fellowship with her. We saw FIVE shooting stars last night and we thank you for them. You guys are awsome and will always be our angels.

Love,
FL Jess (and your GA Jess too! ) :)

October 9, 2005

well i will be leaving for florida in a couple hours. please watch over me and keep me safe with your big, strong arms which maybe are wings now?? hehe! i'm going to see florida jess and daniel starks' family. i'm sure you've met dan up there... in fact i KNOW you guys had a part in jess and i meeting over a year ago. we are both coming up on anniversaries, so make sure you boys keep your eyes on us. i just wanted to tell you that i love you before i leave. and i had one of the most hilarious memories the other day... somehow i kicked something and gave myself a bruise on my shin. it made me think of that time that i was so mad at you for something or other (i'm sure it was something stuid as usual!) and i kicked your bed. well i didn't realize that there was a frame underneath all that fluff of your mattress, so i had a lovely bruise and couldn't quite walk right for a while after that. even though i was mad at you, i still let you carry me down the stairs. haha! guess you had to be there, but it's still funny to me! ;P

always and forever,

~j

October 7, 2005

hola!
just wanted to tell you thanks for all the help on my midterms! and also, i got a message from one of our friends today that made me smile and cry at the same time. she said that you were my guardian angel...which i knew but it's nice that she reminded me you are still around. and she also said that when you were on duty, you'd sit around and talk about me all the time. i told her that my ultimate fear is that you didn't know how much i loved you before you died. i really hope that i had enough time to show you and tell you and that there was no doubt in your mind. eye luv u angel. please forgive me for missing you so terribly.

love~
your baby dolly wolly

October 4, 2005

hey babe,
i know all of us who love you (my family-especially britt- and your family) can relate to this song.

eye luv u angel.

jessi



kenny chesney's "who you'd be today"

"Sunny days seem to hurt the most
Wear the pain like a heavy coat
I feel you everywhere I go
See your smile, I see your face
I hear you laughing in the rain
Still can't believe your gone

It ain't fair you died to young
Like a story that had just begun
But death tore the pages all away
God knows how I miss you
All the hell that I've been through
Just knowing, no one could take your place
Sometimes I wonder, who you'd be today

Would you see the world
Would you chase your dreams
Settle down with a family
I wonder what would you name your babies
Someday's the sky's so blue
I feel like I can talk to you
And I know it might sound crazy"

September 27, 2005

Cole,

I smiled today after reading the encouraging words left by people we do not even know whom have taken a moment of their precious lives to leave you a reflection. Cole, Jess, and Cole's Mom, his Dad and his two grandmothers thank you from the bottom of our hearts and soul. Its funny Cole how you had such a small family that so many reach out to help by doing this.

My love always and forever Mom.

September 26, 2005

exactly 2 years and 5 months today.... i miss you so much. saw your boy, satty, friday night at the football game. i hope you know you will never be forgotten. there is no way i can describe what life has been like without you, but i know i will see you again. when the rest of this world passes away, i'll see you in Heaven.

j

September 25, 2005