Family, Friends & Fellow Officers Remember...

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

January 19, 2006

Hello my Cole:

I have tried to stay away but like Jess I cannot... I know you are not on the other end checking emails however if it was possible you would. But somehow its as if we are talking again. Like somehow you are there...Its hard to explain. I love you so much. I was talking last night and telling again about that day, seeing you in the doorway as I came home on the 24th you waiting for me. Telling me "mom you can drive my car anytime, just don't let the dogs in it" I can see myself from a distant telling you I love you and you telling me almost like watching a movie now. I remember coming home with nan, and dad. I was thinking we were not going to get home until about 2 and I was going to get to talk to you before we went to bed. I can remember letting nan out, and Dad getting that call, I can still remember every word of the conversation. I remember dad telling me we have to go to the hopital, and I started saying over and over again, Oh God! Oh God! Oh God! dad said we don't know whats happened lets just see what has happened. I can see the other people at the hospital watching as we ran across the parking lot. I can see us going into the emergency room and bursting in and saying where is Cole? A person steps forwad from a line and says I am sorry.....................from that moment on life was never life again.....the longing for your eyes....just to see your eyes. I think if I could see you with life and your eyes looking at me that everthing would be ok. The nightmares would stop...I know all the right things...I know that we will see each other again. I know it will be as if we were never apart. But does anyone know what it is like, to love someone so much that you are a part of that persons makeup that makes them a person. What it is like to live another second and not have you there...Yes, life goes on, yes there is another life and a happy life but the absolute yearning and loss of the one thing that makes you a person is gone. The absolute one thing that cuts you literally in two. I like Jess have rambled on. I am not going to delete....this is what it is like to loose you Cole. I want to see you your eyes to satisfy that one part of me that needs to know everything is ok. I miss you Cole, my 23 year old son. Momma loves you always and forever.

Momma

January 17, 2006

hey baby,
i was at home this weekend...britt turned 16. scary thought, i know. you were supposed to be around keeping your eyes on her. :`(

i went to see you at the cemetery. it just kills me that that is the only place that seems to keep your memory alive in town. i know we all do, those of us who loved you and knew you, but it still hurts. i don't know what else i can do. it is so hard to stand there or sit there. i couldn't even bring myself to talk this time. i just stood there staring like i expected you to walk up next to me and wrap your arms around me and tell me it was all a bad dream. even after all this time, i still think that one day it will all change. it's weird really. i know people probably don't understand. that's ok because most of the time i'm confused about it all myself. i wanted to talk to you and tell you everything that has been happening. i know you already know it but i just want to TALK to you. i miss your advice and your laughter and your encouragement. but when i got there, i just couldn't. i know that you are not really there. i know you're not. i didn't even stay long because that place is just the place where we come to leave you things and where we left your body. i know that you are really with me every minute of every day and i can always talk to you.

anyway i'm planning another trip to see the florida family...i can't wait!! more time with florida jess so we can talk about you guys! and this time, louisiana lynn is coming too! well baby i miss you and love you more than ever. send me angel kisses tonight.

luv~
j

January 16, 2006

To the family of Officer Martin,

Thank you for the kind reflection you left on my husband's site.

I wanted to let you know that you are all in my thoughts and prayers as you begin another New Year without your beloved Cole. Please know that he is not forgotten. He is walking Heaven's streets of gold, with my husband and all the other heroes who gave their lives doing the job they loved. I believe that we will see them again some day and until then they will give us the strength and courage to continue life here without them.

Thank you, Officer Martin, for your service and ultimate sacrifice. May God bless you and may you rest in peace, Blue Angel.

Carin E. Sollman
widow of Easton Police Officer Jesse E. Sollman EOW 3/25/05

January 9, 2006

good mornin, angel...
i'm starting my first day of full time student teaching... please help me out like you always do. thanks for the extra guidance and love lately. you always know just what i need.

eye luv u.
j

January 9, 2006

officer Martin we met once but never really got to know each other. Brother you are missed by so many and forgotten by none. So on behalf of Chatsworth P.D. and myself brother we miss you and we love you.

officer stover
dps/mccd

January 6, 2006

No matter what comes my way or how crazy things may get, it helps me to know that God is in control, and I'm not. He is always right and I'm going to trust Him."
D. Rizzo "Turning Points"

January 2, 2006

Dear Cole's Mother,

How does a mother live without her son? There are all kinds of love in the world but the love of a mother for her son and the love of a son for his mother are matched by none other. I sat at my son's grave new years day and asked my husband, " can you believe we are still here". People don't understand that time has no meaning anymore, it has just been an endless day/night. I sit and read reflections for hours and wonder how in the world we all continue to breathe. Yes, I know where they are, but we are left here, and I don't want to be here.......not without my son.

My heart breaks for you and your family to have to live without Cole. I pray (when I can) that we are all united soon with the sons of our life.

With my deepest love and sympathy,
Linda Rittenhouse, Matt's Mom
Officer Matthew Rittenhouse HPD 920
E.O.W. 9/16/04

January 2, 2006

Happy New Year Cole!
Love,
Lynn

January 1, 2006

Cole,
My Son:
I LOVE YOU.

DAD

December 27, 2005

hi my blue angel,
just wanted to check in and tell you that i love you. thank you so much for helping me through the holiday. it was horribly tough, but i made it. we're about to leave for disney world. maybe i'll find another cool police picture to frame and leave out at the cemetery for you. last time i found that cop made out of a bazillion legos and the time before that is when they had all the Mickeys dressed up. so of course i took a picture of the police officer. maybe this year they will have another something special that i can bring back to you. anyway, please watch over us all. i'm driving, so ya know what that means - we'll be there in a flash!! ;P well baby i love you and i will of course be thinknig about you the whole time i'm in florida!! hope you are having fun with your friends in Heaven. thanks for sending me all these girls who i can talk about you with. it helps so much sometimes to share my tears with others who completely understand. by the way, my sister really misses you and made the coolest picture frame of pictures of us. i wish you could see her and have fun with the two of us. maybe you could just help her out a little bit if you have some time.

eye luv u always and forever,
jess

December 27, 2005

Hello Cole,
I wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas. I'm sure you are having a wonderful time in Heaven. Please continue to send Jessi your Heavenly love, and stay close to her and your family always. They miss and love you so much.
Lynn Harwell
Terry Melancon's Fiancee'

December 25, 2005

Hi Cole. Please send some love down to Jessi and your family today. We miss you and she loves you so much.

Merry Christmas!
Love,
Jessica Ruhl
Fiancee of Dan Starks

December 25, 2005

hello again my precious cole,

i just wanted to tell you merry christmas. i am going home to see my family, so i won't be able to get on the computer till afterwards. i love you so very much, and it has been extremely rough for me the last few days. sometimes i hate holidays and the dreaded 25th...especially when it is supposed to be such a happy day for everyone else. i miss you and i love you.

j

December 24, 2005

hi honey,

i just had to talk to you tonight. you know how hard it is for me around these holidays. i've been working my tail off mainly so that i don't have to sit around in a lonely apartment and think about you not being here with me. i'm sorry that i've cried so many tears lately. i know it probably doesn't make you happy. i just can't help it sometimes. and i know i've said it a million times already, but i just miss you so much. i just want to talk to you about my day at work and about one of my kids coming to see me at the restaurant. and i want you to tell me everything will be okay and just to stop stressing about the little things. i want to give you sweet little kisses again and tell you how "cute" you look in your "little uniform" and watch the look on your face as i say it (because you always would snarl your face up and say "it's NOT a CUTE LITTLE uniform")....you wanted to be so macho! ;P i want to watch you snap all the little things into place on your belt and see you zip around a parking lot after i've met you for a little break while you're on duty. i want to hear your voice on the other end of the phone telling me about some guy you arrested or another chase you went on and how fast you got up to. i want to tell you about all the retarded things i've done and said throughout the day. i want to hear you laugh again...and i want to see that smile. the smile that could melt the world away in a flash. the smile that melted my heart. i want you to wipe away my tears or cry with me - either one. i want you to wrap your arms around me as we watch a movie or just wrap your arms around my waist when i'm standing in front of you. i want to hear "i love you, jess"...all those things will never happen again. it kills me to think about all those things. seemingly simple things that i took for granted. i knew how special and precious you were. i knew our love was true and real and genuine and forgiving and honest and full of life. but i just never expected to lose all of that so soon. it's so weird because on april 25, 2003, i couldn't see myself making it to the next day. here i am 2 years and almost exactly 8 months later still very much longing for you and the relationship we had. i've come to realize how strong i really am even when i don't feel like it. but i know i haven't been that strong on my own. you and our precious Lord have helped me through each stage and through every aching moment. you've brought people in and out of my life at different times and for different lengths of time. you've not let me down yet. sure i struggle, but that's part of learning how to deal with it. i love you, cole, now and for the rest of my life. you will always have that special place in my heart that will never be filled no matter who else may or may not come along. please just know that i miss you now maybe more and more deeply that i did over 2 1/2 years ago. i don't know how i've made it this far, really, but i'm glad you are still "with" me.

j

December 20, 2005

Dear Jessi,
I'm thinking of you this Christmas season. You were right about the second year being harder than the first. Sometimes I feel like I have taken one step forward, just to take two steps back....the road of grief is never easy. I found the poem you sent the board at the beginning of this year. It was about Life's Journey. I framed it....it's encouraging to read every day.

I know that Josh and Cole are spending the holidays with the Lord....where we will be reunited with them one day. This Christmas season and coming year, I wish you an abundance of happiness. I want that for you and I know that Cole wants that for you. Know that I am always here for you. Thank you for all of your encouragment throughout this last year. My prayers are with you.

Much love,
Kelly
*Josh Blyler EOW: 5.2.04

Kelly Gillain

December 20, 2005

Cole,
I wanted to THANK you again for being a dedicated officer and for proudly serving your community. Your heroism will always be remembered. You seem like such an amazing person, and I look forward to meeting you at the great reunion. Thanks so much for helping Jessi and I to contact each other. It is easy to see why you LOVE her so much. She is an awesome woman. Please send both Jessi and your family some extra love and comfort during this difficult holiday season. I'm sure you, Daniel, and Terry are having a grand time in Paradise telling stories and hanging out. We will see you'll again some day...
Thanks again,
Lynn Harwell, Fiancee'
Det. Terry Melancon E.O.W 8-10-05

December 19, 2005

well i've already come to your page about 12 times today debating on whether or not to leave a message. it's one of those days where i feel like i could talk to you all night long if i could, but i can't. i can't even utter one word that i will get a response to. i'm sure you are "listening" like you always did before and i'm sure in some way you will respond. just like you did with the shooting star the other night.

i don't really know what's wrong with me. i am supposed to be the strong one...the one my friends look up to for "all that i've been through"...but sometimes i feel so very weak and helpless. for the most part, i've been better i suppose. i have found more of who i am now as a result of all of this and who i was before. and in some ways, i think i found some of you.

this whole experience has been one long nightmare. i can't begin to describe the range of emotions i've felt in the last 2 years and almost 8 months. people would think i'm crazy if they know...unless they have lost someone as precious as i have. i think back to the things i did and sometimes even think myself that i was a bit psycho. i guess that's what happens when you have such trauma hit you square between the eyes.

i feel so stuck, cole. i don't really know where to go from here or what to do anymore. it's obvious that i'm going to teach, but it's so hard to follow through with all of these things when part of THE plan is missing - that part, of course, is you. the plans we had are of course gone with the wind and now i just don't know what i am supposed to do. i am getting closer and closer to graduation every single day and i feel like i should be making some of those most important life decisions: where to live, rent or buy a house, where to teach, live alone or find a roommate, etc. anyway, it just seems so unfair that i have to making these decisions because before you died, they were already made for me. sometimes it just downright infuriates me that we (your parents, nan, me, my family, your friends and coworkers especially josh) have been forced down this road where all we can do is recall the happy and funny memories of you. i just don't understand how our perfect lives that seemed to be lining up so beautifully came crashing down in one split second. i can clearly remember the last time you came to berry to see me. and i remember you calling me to tell me about giving a speeding ticket. i remember the time you lost your baton on that crazy chase and the times you'd stay at work until 3 or 4 and i would be SO stinkin mad at you because i was afraid you'd fall asleep or get too loose and not pay attention to what was happening. and of course i remember new year's right after you started working and i couldn't sleep all nigth long because i was waiting for you to call and say you were home okay. i always dreaded that phone call but in many ways i never imagined it would happen. in the same way tho, i almost expected it. i know that sounds crazy. i just had that feeling that something awful was going to happen. God i wish i was wrong.

i'm sorry, baby, i know i'm writing another novel. you know how i am though. always had to let you know exactly what was on my mind. i've tried staying away from your page here and i've tried journaling, but somehow this makes me feel like i'm really talking to you...at least moreso than anything else does.

cole, i'm so tired of hearing the whole "you're young...you'll find someone" and all that jazz. don't people understand that YOU were the one i wanted to stand by my side for the rest of my life. i don't want SOMEONE ELSE. i wanted you. i know people are just trying to help and in all honesty they probably don't know what else to say. maybe God will send me someone, maybe he won't. i don't know His plan, obviously. i am okay with whatever is in His will because i know it will be more glorious than anything i could ever possibly imagine. but in the meantime, it still hurts and i still suffer from losing the best thing that ever happened to me.

cole i have met some new girls lately who are dealing with similar situations and of course i still have my dear florida jess and jules who i'm really close to. sometimes i get so angry that i have to know girls like this and i'm part of this "group" called survivors. but then i realize....i am truly HONORED to be part of this group of men and women whose loved ones have made the ultimate sacrifice whether young or old, experienced or rookies, undercover or street cops, whatever. i am so proud of you, my angel, and the dignity with which you performed your job day in and day out. and i am proud to be known as someone who has to walk this road for the rest of my life carrying with me the burden of having known and loved a fallen officer. i will gladly walk this road because it shows that you were real and you are worthy of respect and honor.

i know my tears probably upset you, and i'm sorry, but once again you know how i am. sometimes i just cannot hold it all in. i try to keep it together, but that doesn't always work. and then there are just "those days" that work on you until you are left broken and kneeling down to pray because that is all you know to do at that point. those days are more frequent around the holidays, but no part of the year is really easy or good. i look at the beautiful, stunning diamonds you gave me 3 years ago on christmas. your mom told me they meant "past, present, future" and you told me later that they also meant "i love you"....i like both versions. i loved you then, i love you now, and i will always love you for as long as i live because you will remain in my heart. my life was changed because i met you and loved you and i'm so glad i was blessed by you.

Jessi
fiancee

December 14, 2005

COLE,
I JUST RECENTLY HEARD ABOUT THIS PAGE, AND I JUST BRIEFLY LOOKED AT SOME OF THE REFLECTIONS LEFT BY THOSE WHO KNEW YOU AND THOSE WHO RESPECTED YOU. I HAD THE PRIVELAGE OF WORKING WITH YOU ONLY FOR A FEW MONTHS, AND IN THAT SHORT TIME, I KNEW YOU WERE GOING TO BE GREAT. MY FONDEST MEMORY WAS WHEN YOU AND JOSH WERE IN THE DISPATCH ROOM PICKING UP SOME PAPERWORK, AND THERE WAS A MOVIE ON AND I REMEMBER YOU AND HIM LAUGHING SO HARD YA'LL WERE NEARLY IN TEARS, EVERYTIME I SEE THAT MOVIE I THINK OF YOU, WELL ANYTIME I SEE JOSH LAUGH LIKE THAT I THINK OF YOU TOO. I FELT SO GUILTY, AND RESPOSIBLE FOR THAT NIGHT. I HAVE ALWAYS FELT LIKE I COULD HAVE DONE MORE. I COULD NOT EVEN FACE YOUR MOTHER IN THE FUNERAL HOME.
YOU WOULD BE SO PROUD OF JOSH, PARDON ME SGT ETHRIDGE, HE IS A FINE OFFICER. I HAVE NOTHING BUT THE GREATEST RESPECT FOR HIM. HE HELPS US SO MUCH. WE HAVE NOT FORGOTTON YOU, AND I KNOW WE NEVER WILL, MY HEART AND PRAYERS GO OUT TO JESS AND YOUR FAMILY. YOU ARE GREATLY MISSED,

COMMUNICATIONS OFFICER SUPERVISOR: BINGIEL

MISSY, E-911 SHIFT SUPERVISOR
MURRAY COUNTY 911

December 11, 2005

Cole,
It was around this time of the year when we first began to work together. Everyone was always talking about how you were the Chief's nephew. I did not know what to expect at first, then everything just started to come together. You were just one of the guys and you became a great friend. I feel honored to have gotten to work with you. I only wish that you were still here and we could work together again (although I know one day we will). I quess you really don't realize how much someone means to you until they are gone. I wish I could have told you how much that you meant to me. Cole you will never be forgotten. I miss you dearly.

Sgt. Joshua Etheridge
Chatsworth Police Dept.

December 8, 2005

Cole,

Please send your Jessi big hugs and kisses right now she needs them. She is such a remarkable woman, I think of her and you often. Help guide her, and help send her bits of happiness. She's earned some smiles and happiness.

Jessi,

I might not hear from you often, but I do think of you a lot. I know life is busy for you, but you know I'm here, and so are the other girls on the group. We love you, I love you. I miss hearing from you. Give us a hollar sometime.

Sending you care-bear stares.

Cole,

Thank you

Much Love,
Big Hugs,
Monica
Fiancee Scott Stewart EOW 8-11-02 Detroit

Monica

December 8, 2005

God bless you Jess. I've read some of your words on this site. I'm sorry you lost the love of your life. I'm sorry for the struggle. I hope the holidays go well for you and your family. I know Cole will be watching over you with God's police department backing him up...

LEO Fiancee and friend of Peter Grignon EOW 3/23/05

LEO fiancee
LMPD, Kentucky

December 7, 2005

Jesse I do not feel right talking to you on Cole's ODMP. I think it should be things for Cole. But you touch so many people and you are such a part of Cole and will always will be. Your love for Cole inspires so many other survivors and you bring such love to so many others. You should be very proud of that and I know with all my heart Cole is. This is probably part of God's plan, who knows?
Remember one thing. Cole loves you and will always love you. He wants you to l i v e and find happyness in everything around you. I cannot tell you what to do but I can without a doubt tell you what Cole would say. He would tell Jesse Babe to not try and force the peices together they will come together if you stop trying to fit them and just let things come as they will no matter how much you want to hold on. Cole will always be in your heart. There is no person that can ever take that from you. Cole would say Jesse if it makes you happy do it, live life if not for yourself for him. You have a chance don't let it go by, live life to the fullest if you do Cole gets to live too. Please do not say you will not find love you will. You have so much to give so much life, so much love. Why do you think Cole was so in love with you, it was because of all those things and so many, many more that makes you Jesse. I know how sad you are and how much you grieve for Cole because I do too. I have wanted nothing more than to die because I wanted to be with Cole. But I cannot, it is not what God wanted for me and I can hear Cole say find happiness and that is what I hear him tell you. I still cry everyday and have tears and he is in my sould and though every minute, but I have found the ability to smile and to laugh and when I do I can see Cole smile. I probably sound like a old fool but whatever, I feel like Cole wanted me too.

I love you Jesse.

I love you Cole.

always and forever

Debra

December 7, 2005

Jessi,
Thanks so much for responding to my reflection. It was really great hearing from you. I am sorry you are having a really difficult time right now. I am having a really hard time myself. Just as you said the monthly anniversary and the holidays, those are the worst. I do not even want to deal with the holidays. I feel getting through daily life is hard enough at this point. I would really like to talk to you or e-mail you. I went to the Georgia COPS site and could not figure out how to get contact info. If you could let me know that would be great. Thanks so much for your prayers and support both are much appreciated.

December 6, 2005

i did not want to write this message and push down your momma's, but i had to write as well. reading her words brings me to tears and makes me think back to how things used to be. how we were happy together and nothing could get us down. outback dinners with bloomin onions and your bloody steaks... being over at your house while she vacuumed downstairs and you'd talk about how loud it always was... i just remember it all. those memories never fade.

3 years ago today you were graduating from the police academy here in rome. God, how proud i was to ride home with you. how proud we all were that you made it through near the top of your class and were finally able to live out your dream. you looked so "cute" in your "little uniform" all pressed and straight, not a wrinkle in the whole thing. how proud i was to watch you and the other guys walk across and stand so tall and proud. three years ago today i was thinking that i was the luckiest girl in the world to have you by my side.

well, cole, i still count myself the luckiest girl. despite having had to lose you and deal with the pain and agony, i would do it ten thousand more times just to have your love. i think i have just about decided that my chance at love is over, for you were my one and only. that's okay with me, because it was enough and always will be. i know what it's like to truly be in love and to share life with your soulmate. it wasn't for very long, and i'm sorry that we never got to get married... but knowing that you were mine and i was yours is enough for me.

i'm going out of town with my family for christmas...it's just too hard to be in town knowing you're not there with me. i've tried to pick up the pieces of my broken heart and world and put them back together little by little to form this new picture, but the pieces don't fit like they used to. i don't know why i try to make them fit...i know deep down it's not the same. i know that what we had was so unique that nothing like it will ever come again. that may sound depressing, but i just cherish that relationship and thank God so much that he blessed me with you! what i wouldn't give to still be with you...

eye luv u always and forever,
jess

December 6, 2005