Family, Friends & Fellow Officers Remember...

I am here Angel. I love you. I miss you.

April 4, 2006

well baby i accepted my first teaching job!!! i hope you are proud and i wish you were here to enjoy the ups and downs with me :`(

~j

March 30, 2006

To see your dark hair,
To only see those black eyes,
To know the love that you gave,
These things I wish when I get there

March 29, 2006

i wish you were here for me to talk to. i'd give anything.

~j

March 27, 2006

My baby. We fixed your flowers this afternoon. Beautiful yellow spring flowers everything that is blooming now. I hate this hurt. I hate the sadness that engulfs me. I miss you so much. I don't know how much more a person can take. I knew love hurt but I had know idea the depths it could reach. You are so beautiful and were such a blessing. I think of you and I see that smile that could light up a room full of strangers. I miss you Cole. I love you so much. My baby. My Angel.

March 24, 2006

mornin' angel....
i was drivin home this mornin and passed a cop...guess what his number was...#4!!! of course i instantly thought of you....i always do as you know. i don't know what to say anymore cole. i really don't. except that i want my life back. i want OUR life back. i want things to be normal and to wake up and instantly know that i am loved. i want to know that i can call you and talk about all these schools and to let you calm me down before i go to interviews. i just want to be held...just wrapped up tight in your arms. cole i have so much guilt inside that i didn't love you enough or that you didn't know what was truly in my heart. if i would've known what was going to happen...if only i had known. i know we can't live in the past, and it's far too late now. but what i wouldn't give.....

i'm going for my very first official interview with a school tomorrow. it's down in douglas county...not really sure that it's where i want to be, but it's worth a shot to at least interview. i feel so behind...all the other girls are getting jobs already and of course they are all getting married or getting engaged. it's just not fair. i know that "life isn't fair" but i feel like we had something so perfect and so genuine and then it got taken out from under the both of us. i'm trying my best baby...i really am. i don't know what to do sometimes... life without you is just not the same in any way. i miss being happy and laughing and loving. i felt whole, and now no matter what i do or how long it's been i still feel like my heart is broken never to be healed the same way it was. i still feel lost and dazed and confused. i wonder if it will always be like this. one thing is for certain: i wouldn't trade this pain because at least i know that i was blessed to love you and be loved by you.

miss you my superman ;P (yes, now you really are a superman!!)

~j

Jess
fiancee

March 23, 2006

To Officer Cole Martin, his parents and his other loved ones:

Your anniversary date is approaching. I know it well because my son's eow is 4/24/05. As I read the reflections, I can see how very painful this is for your mother. It is an agony I too feel every waking minute. No matter how old your child is when they are killed, to the mother, it is always their sweet baby. I hope God is holding you in the sweetest part of his heart, and the most gentle part of his soul.

Please know that your memory is honored and revered today.

Phyllis Loya, mother of fallen officer Larry Lasater, Pittsburg PD, eow 4/24/05

March 22, 2006

Hello my Baby....A ruff day. I pulled up the webb site and you were the officer today. I am so proud of you. I had that dream last night the one where it is the night you were killed. I hate that dream it gets me so messed up. It is the time before you were gone and then it is the time you are gone from us forever on this earth. I love what your friend wrote. I miss you sweet angel and I love you.

March 22, 2006

COLE,
ITS ALMOST BEEN 3YRS SINCE YOUR ACCIDENT, AND A LOT HAS CHANGED SINCE
THEN. I LEFT FOR BOOTCAMP THE MONDAY AFTER YOUR DEATH. I HAVE A LITTLE GIRL NAMED MCKENZEE NOW AND IM GETTING OUT THE END OF THIS MONTH.ITS GONNA BE HARD TO LIVE IN CHATSWORTH AND DRIVE THREW TOWN AND NOT SEE YOU ON THE STREETS PATROLING. I REALLY WISH MY LITTLE GIRL COULD HAVE MET YOU. I REMEMBER ARE LAST CONVERSATION I WAS NERVOUS ABOUT COMING IN THE NAVY AND YOU TOLD ME NOT TO BE BECAUSE YOU SAID IT WOULD FLY BY AND BEFORE I KNEW IT,IT WOULD BE TIME TO COME HOME. THANKS FOR THAT LAST WORDS TO ME BECAUSE IT WAS SO TRUE SO DONT WORRY COLE LORD WILLING I WILL BE IN MY HEAVENLY HOME ONE DAY AND I KNOW I WILL SEE YOU THERE. STILL EVERY TIME I DRIVE HOME I ALWAYS DRIVE BY THE PLAZA AND THINK OF THE TIMES WE ALL SPENT OUT THERE JUST ENJOYING SMALL TOWN LIFE. I HAVE MET ALOT OF PEOPLE IN THE NAVY BUT NONE WILL EVER COME CLOSE TO WHAT YOU AND ALL OF THE OTHER GUYS MEAN TO ME. JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW I WILL NEVER FORGET YOU MY FRIEND. YOUR SACRAFICE DID NOT GO UNNOTICED. YOU GAVE YOUR ALL TO PROTECT THE PEOPLE OF CHATSWORTH AND I KNOW YOU WILL BE REWARDED IN HEAVAN.

YOUR FRIEND,
ADAM

CSSN ADAM LOFTY
NAVY

March 21, 2006

cole,
i just had to write a quick message to you...i was so shocked yesterday when i was leaving the gym to see what i saw! it was that stupid car that you and all your boys were drooling over in Gatlinburg....a Supra! i hadn't seen one of those since i lost you but i saw it last night! funny how things can transport you to another time and place. for a moment i was remembering what all you boys would say as you 'ooh' and 'ahh' over its roar! i remember seeing one in the parking lot of the grocery store after we went to buy steaks to grill....we litereally had to turn the car around so you could go drool over it up close! i still don't see what is so special about that car except that now it brings back bittersweet memories of you, my angel.

i'm starting to apply for teaching jobs, baby...please help lead me to where i'm supposed to be. i know God has a purpose and i just want to carry that out where he wants me. i also graduate in 39 days....4 days after you E.O.W.....that might be the most difficult thing for me, b/c i will be wishing i could see your face out in the crowd. miss you coley woley.

~j

March 21, 2006

My baby. I love you. I miss you. Momma

March 15, 2006

Dear Cole,

I just wanted to say thanks again for your angelic hand in the friendship that Jessi and I share. It was definitely you and Terry that brought us together. Your Jess, FL Jess, and I are having a great time in Florida, but we miss our three angels so much. We cannot wait until we see you guys again in Paradise. Please send some extra love and comfort to Jessi. She loves and misses you so very much. I look forward to meeting you Cole.
Thanks again for GA Jess!
love,
LA Lynn
fiancee of Det. Terry Melancon

March 14, 2006

My baby

I miss you so much. Does it hurt so bad because the 25th is coming up? I cannot stand it. My mind keeps going to the same things Jess does. Why can I not hold my grandbabies? Why can we not have the life that we waited forever to happen then be it be stolen from us in the middle of the night? Why do mothers loose their beautiful sons? and why oh why does the hurt not ease some? I do not want any life that you are not a part of. Why do you not come to me in my dreams? I was listening on the radio and they were talking about what makes you happy. You make me happy, and the most profound sadness that can be imagined. Cole I want life to be with you. Not me here and you gone and nothing but photos and memories and a grave. I want life back as it was with you. I wonder if Dad and I did some horrible sins that took you away? I don't know Cole, if this is life forget it. I do know one thing Cole, I love you, today, yesterday, and tomorrow forever and always. I never, ever forget and my heart is always broken and there are always tears. They say God collects the tears, well my cup runneth over.

Cole someone is driving with the thin blue line at the CPD. One car out of the force has the thin blue line. Or that is all I saw. Everytime I see this I think of you and the honor you brought to the badge. I am glad someone remebers and honors you. I have the blue line on my car and the house. The flag of the fallen officer flies at my house. I miss you, I wish they would have let us put a tree in your memory at the park, they said they did not have room for another one. Bye my sweet angel. I love you.

March 6, 2006

cole,
i didn't want to write to you again and let it bring you down because i know you don't want me to be sad. but this life sucks. i don't know any other way to put it. i have never ever in my life felt more alone or out of control. i don't know who i am or what i want or where i'm going. i know you'd think i should be past this by now but my life is coming to a crossroads. i graduate in 55 days and i have no clue what to do. people keep telling me to just relax and it'll all work out the way it is supposed to. hmmm... well what i'd like to tell them is this. the way it was SUPPOSED to work out is that i would graduate and get married a month later. you and i would build our house and we would have kids after a few years. i would know where i was living and teaching and who i'd be sharing and loving life with. but no. the perfect plan has crumbled and i'm stuck here to deal with it. sometimes it simply infuriates me that everyone else in life gets to live out their fairy tale and mine was buried with you almost 3 years ago. i don't know why the pain is so unbearable today especially. i never thought i'd be in this place. it feels like my life is not even my own anymore. i wish i could wake up and know that you were alive and beside me. i wish that i didn't have to be making these decisions on my own. i wish my heart never knew the hurt and pain and heartache that it is filled with. i know all too well that i can't have you back. and i know that i didn't choose this road nor would i have ever chosen to walk this road. the love that we had was so amazing and i'm almost 100% sure that i will never find it ever again. to be perfectly honest, i'm not ok with that. i desire so badly to have a family and be happy again. it's what i want more than anything. i want to love and be loved. and i want to walk through life with someone by my side who is every bit as wonderful as you. i feel cheated and i feel screwed. it's been a while since i've had one of these break-downs but i can't handle it anymore. i am trying so very hard to let it go and give my burdens to the Lord but ya know what it's hard. it's really freakin hard to do that. especially when you wonder if he is listening and why he let all this happen in the first place. cole i wouldnt' want you to have to leave the perfect place and come back to this fallen world where you would experience more pain and suffering. but God what i wouldnt' give to go back to before the accident. how different would things be if we had gotten married before you died? nobody cares about me like you did. i just want someone. i'm so sorry to come on here and rant and carry on like this but i just have to get it out and you are the only one who i can talk to. my angel i hope you are there and i hope you know how special you were. i hope you felt the love we shared and know that it was 100% genuine and everlasting. i hope...and i wish...and i dream...and i long...and i cry.

Jessi
fiancee

March 5, 2006

i am so lost and so very confused. i wish you were here. no words can articulate what is truly in my mind and in my soul.

J

March 4, 2006

Hello my baby:

I am here, I will always be here. You are constantly in my thoughts. I love you so much and I miss you so much. It hurts so much. I am going to the graveyard. Someone has taken your little police boy that Jess got you. I do not understand people. Momma loves you, rest my angel.

March 1, 2006

Hello Angel:

I met a lady at the grocery store Saturday afternoon. She introduced herself her name is Vickie. She stated she had heard about us and wanted me to know that she had lost a son as well. His name was Cody. I could only look at her and feel the tears come down my cheeks. I finally just hugged her. She said she was sorry she made me cry. I told her that I was crying because I could not stand the hurt I knew she was having and I was so sorry that she had lost Cody. He would have been 25. He must be a little bit older than you. Because you will be 24 your birthday. That seems so much older for you. I guess it does because you did not even make 21. I keep having such a hard time. I think I am ok then I just get to thinking of you and I miss you so much and the hurt is so hard to bare. I miss you Cole, life is really hard to survive without you. You were really special. I wish you were here next to me. I wish I could just turn around and smile at you. I think of you every moment of every day. The color is now out of life. Tell Cody his Mom loves him very much and she wishes she had not gripped at him about picking up the towels. She misses that very much now. I know what she means. Those type things we would love to have in our lives. We miss so many of those little things so much when they are gone. I love you momma.

February 20, 2006

i really just need to talk to you...but i can't :(

miss you and wish you could send some advice or encouragement or both or anything at all.

~j

February 19, 2006

I am thinking of you this valentine day. I am looking at your picture. I wish I could hold you. I miss you. I love you. momma.

February 14, 2006

Cole

You have been in my heart even more the last few days. I listen and watch others and I just miss you so much. I have been looking at pictures that many I have not seen in years. You know what is in my heart and I do not know what to do. I love you so much, I checked the grave out this morning I guess everything is as in order as I can make it. I miss you, and it hurts.I love you my angel. Happy valentines day. :( momma

February 13, 2006

The finish line is just a whole new race...............................

Cole's Mom

February 6, 2006

We walk in a world that is strange and unknown
And in the midst of the crowd we still feel along
We question our purpose, our part and our place
And this vast land of mystery suspended in space
We probe and explore and try hard to explain
The tumult of thoughts that our minds entertain..........
I love you Cole always and forever

Cole's Mom

February 6, 2006

A Poem for those of us who love Cole

When I must leave you
for a little while,
Please do not grieve
and shed wild tears
And hug your sorrow to you through the years,
But start out bravely,
with a gallent smile;
And for my sake and in my name,
Live on and do
all things the same
feed not your loneliness on empty days.
But fill each waking hour in useful ways,
Reach out your hand in comfort and in cheer
And I in turn will comfort you and hold you near;
And never, never
be afraid to die.
For I am waiting for you in the sky!

I love you Cole. Always and forever!

Cole's Mom

February 1, 2006

i come to your page and i don't even know what to say. it's been 2 weeks since i've written and i should have tons to tell you and to talk about but i just can't spit it out. i'm going thru one of the weirdest phases right now. i still feel connected to you but yet in some ways i don't feel like i have the right to be. i hate the fact that we are coming up on 3 years and i feel like i don't have my life anymore figured out than i did the day all this happened. i don't want you to be forgotten but yet i don't know what else to do anymore. i miss you and of course i can't help but think about you but i'm trying to figure out this new life that can't possibly have you in it as more than a thought, a memory, and a 'what should have been'. it's so hard...this so-called 'moving on'....i dont' know what to do with myself. more than anything i just want someone to talk to. and maybe someone with some answers would be nice too. well angel i will let you do your things in Heaven. i know i must frustrate you because sometimes i just don't listen and i want to control it all. please just help me and keep whispering your words of guidance and love in my ears.
~j

January 29, 2006

With each sunrise I see your eyes.
With each sound of thunder I hear your voice.
When the wind blows I smell your scent.
With each raindrop I feel your touch.
With each rainbow I see your smile and the taste you had for life.


All this I say because Gods Love is only greater than what you have upon this earth.

January 24, 2006