Family, Friends & Fellow Officers Remember...

I am glad 'Promotion 'helped you.I thought it up one night when I was thinking of the very special Blue Angel G-d lend me and I know Cole is your Special Angel.

June 20, 2006

"promotion"

Thank You it will be read often

June 20, 2006

my baby,
i just cried my eyes out after reading the last post... "Promotion"....
it is so very perfect. i can't explain all i want to say. i met up with tiffany yesterday. please take care of her man, johnny. i'm sure you've met by now. she's such a wonderful girl, cole. i wish you boys didn't have to leave. i dreamed about you again. why do i always have to wake up?
eye luv u~
j

June 19, 2006

Promotion

The officer stood in the Chief's office, his eyes blinded by the brilliant light that appeared after that brief moment of darkness.
He hoped his uniform looked clean and pressed, that his boots shone.
Suddenly a large and friendly Hand was placed on his shoulder.
'Ah, here you are.Welcome to your new PD.I have had my eye on you for some time.You are fine Officer and I knew it was time to promote you to My Department.
'Sir, the young Officers voice trembled 'I am honored but what can I do here?There is no crime, no felons to chase.Why do you need officers here?'
'Ah', said The Lord,' its not here you are to patrol but down below'
The young officer looked puzzled but the Chief took him to His office window.
'See that young rookie?He will serve me fine one day but he needs you to be his FTO, to remind him to wear his vest, to careful on traffic stops,some one to ride with him and keep guard as he learns.And see that officer next to him?He needs you to help him stay cheerful, to help him encourage your other brother officers to continue to protect and serve. To hold the the line .'
'Yes Sir, I see, but who will look after my family?
'You will ' said the Chief.'Its a undercover assignment.They will not see or hear you except in their dreams but you will be with them 24/7.They will feel your love around them at all times, the gentle feel of your breath on their cheeks , the warmth of your smile when they need cheering.You will be with them as they carry out their daily tasks and you will watch over them as they sleep.They will never be parted from you or you from them'.
The officer smiled and started his new watch.

June 18, 2006

To Cole's Mum,
I read your last reflection and my heart cried for you and for Jessi.I don't know you and I live half a world away from you but I just wanted give you both the most enormous hug and to be able to take away the pain from you.I am glad you got a little comfort from the poem I posted about 'Mum's'Cole will always live on in your hearts and his spirit will stay with you until the chain links again.May Our Lord Bless and Keep you both until that moment comes.

June 17, 2006

hey baby,
i've been home for the weekend. it's always so weird to be here, but somehow a little therapeutic. sometimes i feel a little closer to you. a little closer to the way things used to be. that hurts though. it's painful to remember... life was so different. anyway, i went up to riverbend with some of my friends a couple nights. last night was trisha yearwood. i've always loved her. she sang one song cole.... that i guess i had forgotten that she sang. and it flooded my mind with memories. memories of us. our love. life with you always in it. it was 'how do i love'. i can remember being so much younger and laying on my bedroom floor on the phone with you for HOURS on end.... and we would just listen to songs together on CMT. mom would start tugging at the phone cord around 11, and i'd beg for just one more song or a couple more minutes. one of those songs was 'how do i live'... we listened to it all the time... in fact, i bought the CD for that one song. i remember thinking i couldn't live without you. now, i guess i've proven to myself that i can, but it's been nothing but an uphill battle every single day.

i met up with another one of our friends yesterday, babe. she misses you so much, too. we talked about you... exchanging stories... talking about you and the jackson lake crew and the boys at the PD. it was so good to be able to laugh and smile a little. kinda made me feel like you were alive again. and then reality always hits like a quick punch to the stomach, and i realized you were still gone. but it was good while it lasted. i love her so much cole. i know you sent her to me as an angel. you always knew just what i needed and how to take care of me. thank you for bringing her into my life to help me with you.

i dreamed about you last night. i don't remember it all. you were so alive. SO VERY ALIVE. i hate these dreams. i love them because i get to see you, but when i finally realize they are just that - dreams - it tears me up inside and out. satty was in the dream, too. i can't really remember what even happened. i just have this permanent image of your smile in my head now. maybe that's what the purpose of the dream was... to bring your smile back to me.

tomorrow is father's day. baby i wish so bad we could have had beautiful children together. it hurts so very much. i wish we could have grown old together and gone to ball games and awards ceremonies and graduations and scared new dates when they came to the house. so much we missed. so much that will just never happen. i hope that you send your daddy some love and peace. it can't be easy.... i know how hard it is for me. no matter what else has happened in life, cole, i know that he and your mom love you more than anything in this world.

eye luv u always and forever,
j

June 17, 2006

Hello, sweet angel. My heart and soul hurts so much. For you and all the dreams unfullfilled. For all the hugs, kisses and smiles that could have been and will never be. For the young man you would be today. For the laughs and the heartaches of a life shared. My soul aches for the sweetness and essence that was Cole.

My soul aches for your level headedness and understanding of life. My eyes yearn to see your face the look of your dark eyes and then that smile that could light a room. How long will I be required to live in purgatory? Which is existing without you. I really do not understand the pain that never goes away. The tears that constantly come into my eyes day after day, Year after year. I understand death but not the death of one's so young with so much to give and share. Surely in some life you are alive and I am dead and my purgatory is beleiving you are dead. I am sorry Cole, you are missed so much. So much hurt and pain in your absence everyday. I know you were a blessing to be had for a short time. I know we are never given any guarantees. But having life and living knowing you are gone and did not get to finish your dreams is unbearable. I love you my sweet, sweet, son. I love you forever and always. Please do not forget me.

June 15, 2006

so i've been thinking a lot and i've already told a few people this but i just have to get it out... to YOU. i know it's crazy, but sometimes i feel like you can't 'hear' me unless i am writing to you. just another one of the insane things we go thru and believe when faced with a tragedy... a death... a loss... of one we love so so very much. anyway... on with my thinking... i know you're thinkin 'oh no, here we go again!'

i've just come to the realization that i will never ever ever love anyone else the way that i loved (and still love) you. i mean, i guess i've known it all along. and it's one of those things that we say but can't fully comprehend until later. but i just have realized that the whole idea of what love truly is in my mind... is and was defined by you and what we had and how i felt and how you made me feel. and THAT love will never come again. because every relationship is so very different. i can never find what we had. ever. that is so sad and downright heartbreaking, but in a way it is liberating. i know that i will never find someone to replace you so i can stop thinking that will happen. i can keep you and what we had as part of me, and it will be so special because it will never come again. it happens once and for a fleeting moment... and then it was gone for us. maybe i'm not making any sense. i know what i'm trying to say in my heart and in my mind. sometimes the words don't come out right. i guess what i'm trying to say is that i love you baby and i always forever and ever will no matter what.

so i had an interesting phone call today. i'm sure you were listening in. funny how life keeps throwin ya curve balls one after the other. sometimes i think God is seeing how much he can sling out till i break. the thing is tho... i'm broken already. i've felt very broken for a very long time. i know that things happen for a reason, so i'm confident in the decision i made a couple months ago. cole, i'm so afraid to move, but yet i cannot wait to get out of here. life is constantly changing around me, and i really hate it. everything is changing. everything... and everyone. it's so hard. i get so attached, so into things and then they change. i feel safe and secure, and then without warning they change. ughh.... i don't really even know what i'm talking about anymore. i just feel like talking to you and this is the only way i know how right now. i freakin hate it so bad that i cannot talk to you!!!!!! it kills me more than anything else. i'd give anything in this world to be able to just talk to you and have another conversation.

britt really misses you, baby. please, please help her in ways that i cannot. i don't know what to do for her, except love her. i feel like i can't love her enough though. she is the most beautiful, precious thing. you always told me she'd have all the guys, and she sure does. i just hope that you watch over her since i'm not around much. i know you do. and i know you send her help and protection just like you do for me. she is kinda like your little sister after all! :)

well baby i guess i should go. i've talked enough for one night, but it never seems to be enough. i miss you more than i could ever explain. i hope you had a good birthday in heaven. i wish i could have spent it with you. i will see you someday my angel.

eye luv u.

j

June 14, 2006

coconut, i know you are not here to hold my sister's hand, and that is what i miss the most...i just wanted to thank you for smiling down upon her and trying to help her go from day to day. sometimes i look around me and hear others talking...well, truthfully, it kills me to hear about people who are just together just to have that one person to hold onto and talk to-i have learned that is not the right reason to be with someone. you guys loved each other with all you had and i think a little more than you guys were willing to reveal to the rest of the world...it's so unfair...but i guess life isn't always as beautiful as a lot of people like to say it is. my sis is such a dork and you would have so many times to laugh at her and make fun of her if you were here...wow...i miss that so much...you and me ganging up on her...what i wouldn't give to have that back...every day seems to get harder, cole. so many dreams lost within a second...keep loving her and do NOT let her go...i love you, elvis!!!

J's lil sis

June 12, 2006

Hello sweet baby, I am here. I love you and miss you and think of you every moment of the day.

June 9, 2006

I have to admit that I have been reading this page for a while now. It's deafening the pain that you all feel for the loss of your loved one, Cole. While I cannot identify personally with such a loss, I am the fiance of a police officer and have the same fears daily for my fiance's safety. Jessi, I am especially touched by your devotion to Cole's memory. I can't help but cry when I read the words you write to him. All I know is that your faith will see you through this. Sometimes I think faith is all we really have. I will keep you in my prayers. Hold on to your precious memories. He's safe in your heart.

Police Officer's Fiance

June 7, 2006

i miss you :/
i wish you were here.
i know i've said it a million times in the last 3 years, but it remains the same.
why can't you just be here???

June 7, 2006

May the Lord Bless and keep the Martin family and Jessi...now and ever.

June 7, 2006

thanks for helpin me have a good day :)

eye luv u.

j

June 5, 2006

i am so sad that all i can really do for you is to say 'happy birthday' on a message. it is not right that you are not here. mom told me she got you some new pretty flowers :) i hope you love them. i wish i could see your handsome face. and especially right now i just wish you could hold me tight and tell me that everything will be ok because i really am beginning to wonder. i know you would tell me not to worry so much and that it will all be all right. i never thought i could feel so alone. please, please take care of me. i need you now more than ever.

lovin you as always,
j

June 4, 2006

Mrs. Hickman, Your son was a true hero. he made the ultimate sacrifice. may God be with you and your family. Johnathan will never be forgotten.

Ptlm Mark E Grant
Conway Borough PD, Pennsylvania

June 3, 2006

Dear Cole,
As your birthday comes tomorrow I just pray for your Mom and Jessi and all those that love and miss you so much. Life is so hard without the ones that are dearest to us here, we struggle to know how to go on. But we honor your life and memory, we do not forget, and we hold on to the promise of seeing you again.

Love,
Linda Rittenhouse, Matt's Mom Forever
Matthew Rittenhouse EOW 9/16/04

Linda Rittenhouse

June 3, 2006

Cole you will be or would have been 24 on Sunday June 4th. I cannot get things out of my mind. The pain and hurt of your loss is so strong it overwhelms me. I miss you so much. We are going to get your flowers tomarrow and fix your grave on Sunday for your birthday. It just does not seem right that all I can do for you on your birthday is fix flowers for a grave. My emotions are so unsettled. People do not understand that after 3 years you still have the same powerful feelings you had from the beginning. I miss you so much Cole I ache with the hurt of not being with you. I know you are a beautiful young man. I can still see your smile. People ask me what would Cole want you to do. I know what you would want. I can almost hear you say. Momma I did what I dreamed. I was happy, my time was fulfilled. You have to be happy. I try Cole, and I do the best I can. But it does not stop the awful pain and I do not think that it will ever get any better. Happy Birthday sweet, young man. Happy Birthday Angel. I love you more than any words will and can ever communicate. I love you son.

Thank you to the person who sent the poem about "Mums" I know of two other Mums that will find encouragement from it as well. Thank You.

June 1, 2006

always alone. please wrap me in your angel wings.

eye luv u my angel.

~j

June 1, 2006

another day without you...
how does it still seem so surreal and hurt so bad?
it feels so weird to be living out my dreams alone...
our birthdays are coming up.... what i wouldn't give to know what you'd have looked like at 24. do you remember the year we went rafting on your birthday? we had SO MUCH fun!!! we wanted to go again, but time ran out for us, didn't it baby?
jennifer and adam got married a little over a week ago. it was so hard to be there, but i'm happy that they get to experience what we never did. it was even weirder to know that we were all supposed to be in each other's weddings.... funny how things work out... except it's not funny at all. :(
i miss you and some days my heart just aches...... no other way to explain it.

eye luv u.

~jess

May 31, 2006

I did not know Ofc. Martin but I have sat here for the better part of an hour reading what others had to say about him and one thing is clear: I would have liked him. Rest in peace Sir, and may your family, friends and fellow officers find comfort in knowing that they will be reunited with you again one day. I look forward to meeting you..............

AZ Narc

May 29, 2006

baby i am so sorry that we are not getting married today. i know it is not my fault, but of course, i feel as though i should be able to do something....you know me - always gotta fix the problems. i miss you my blue angel and i wish that today we were uniting as one... as mr. and mrs. cole martin. i am proud to call you mine and piece of my heart will always be yours. thank you for sending me such wonderful people to help me through. there is no way i can describe the feelings within me, but you know them all regardless of what i may write. i love you my coley woley and i will forever be your baby dolly wolly.

eye luv u forever and always.

jessi babe

May 27, 2006

To Cole's Mum,
I saw this on another Officers site and thought that it might help comfort you so I hope the other officers mum won't mind.

What Makes A Mother?

I thought of you and closed my eyes,
And prayed to God today.
Asked what makes a mother and I know I heard Him say, A mother has a child. This we know is true. But God, can you be a mother, when your child's not with you?

Yes, you can. He replied with confidence in His voice. I give many women children. When they leave is not their choice. Some I send for a lifetime, and others for a day. And some I send to fill your womb but there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this, God, I want my child here. I took a breath and cleared my throat and then I cried a tear. I wish I could show you what your child is doing today. If you could see your child smile with other children and say,"

"I went to earth to learn a lesson of life and love and fear. My Mommy loved me, oh so much, I got to come straight here. I feel so lucky to have a mom who had so much love for me. I learned my lesson very quickly. My Mommy set me free."

I miss my Mommy, oh so much, but I visit her each day. And when she goes to sleep at night, on her pillow is where I lay. I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear, 'Mommy, don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I am here.' "

So you see, my dear sweet one, your child is okay. Your child is here in My Home and this is where he'll stay. He'll wait for you with Me until your lesson is through. And on that day that you come Home, he'll be waiting at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother... It's the feeling in your heart. It's the love you had so much of, Right from the very start.

Though some on earth may not realize you are a Mother, Until their time is done. They'll be up here with Me one day, And know you're the best one.

_________________________________________________________________

May 26, 2006

Cole,
Please send some extra strength and some big hugs down to Earth today. Jess is having a horrible day and by reading the last posting sounds like a lot of people are. Saturday is obviously not going to be a good day since you and Jess were going to begin your life together as man and wife on that very day. Cole, you are very loved and missed dearly. I just wish we could find a way to stop the pain in all of our lives. It’s just overwhelming at times. So, please, send some strength to your loved ones struggling to survive and trying to understand why this had to be.

Laura Gibson-Szerokman, Surviving Spouse
of Ofc. Allen W. Gibson, Jr. EOW 04/25/98

Laura

May 26, 2006

Cole it is such a difficult time of year. The EOW date, mothers day, your birthday, and on Saturday it would be your wedding day. It would have been so beautiful, I can close my eyes and see you standing there, I can see us all there and Jess coming down the church with her wedding dress on so beautiful, and you standing waiting so tall and so handsome. Would there have been dancing? I can see us all there, the joys of the day and you starting a new life, and dreaming of the babies to come. I can almost smell the fragrance of the flowers, and see the beauty of the chruch wonderful. With the ponds and deer. It is all a dream now, just a dream. There will be no wedding on saturday for us. There will be no joys in the day, no wishes of the future. There will be no love to be shared. Because you died 3 years ago. It changed our lives forever. I don't know of any good that came of your loss that could take the place of you not being here. I don't know of any hurt worse that what we feel each moment of the day. I have been told that you died for a reason. That good came out of it. That it may have saved you from some extreme unbearable hurt. I cannot image. Would somebody tell me what it is? That is another one of those things that will evade us forever. I miss you Cole the words are not adequate for how I feel. I am sorry Cole for all the things that you did not get to do. I am sorry that you will not have your wedding day and the life you planned. If I could change it or trade places I would.

May 25, 2006