Family, Friends & Fellow Officers Remember...

you want to know something that hurts? probably even worse than not seeing anything for you when you walk into the police dept....going into the sherriff's office and some of them not even knowing who you were till i told them....where in the crap is the respect in this place? why are you not remembered? i do not care if i meet a new officer whether at the police dept. or the sherriff's dept. i expect them to know who you are. who you died for. you are NOT being remembered around here as much as you deserve.......why? why? why? is there a reason? please let me know if there is...maybe i'm just blinded by my emotions.....i'm shocked to say the least...why? i can't stop thinking about it...

we are going on monday to talk to some more brilliant people at city hall...wish me luck. i saw that the police cars have your stickers i brought. that's stinking awesome. i seriously had happy tears....never knew what those were till then.....the simplest things, cole, mean the world to me....wish us luck: me and your police brothers....this better work.........

i love you. i love my sister. it's hard waking up every morning having to face reality. maybe it's because i was so young when it happened but it seems like this year has really been horrible for me. the memories eat my insides. i sometimes wish i could fall asleep and live inside my dreams forever. where there is no pain and nothing to hurt me. or my sis......hold her cole. she needs you....gosh what i would do to just see you hug her so tightly one more time...........the love that was lost within a few minutes is so hard to deal with.....i know it's still there....but i just wish...i dunno....wish you were simply here again....

j's lil sis

August 2, 2006

I miss you very much Cole and somedays I just sit at work and stare into the air wishing that you would come walking in to visit with me or maybe the phone will ring and it will be you wanting to go eat or just talk. No single day goes by that I don't think about you and wish that there was some way that we could just have you back. With God's help and I am sure you put in a good word, your Mom and I have become friends again. This is a good thing. I see so much of you in her. She gave us the best young man anyone could ever ask for and she hurts for you ever single day and yearns for her baby boy every day. NO ONE will ever hurt and feel the pain that she does for you Cole. Your mother is a wonderful person and I know that you have ask God to look after her since you can't be here for her. No memorial will ever represent all the love that your mother and father hold in their hearts for you. All of your family and friends remember you, treasure you, love you and will never ever forget you til the day that we die and come to be in God's House with you. I love you Baby Cole and I always will forever and ever and thank you for all the help and love you have sent my way these past 2 months.

Lynn

August 1, 2006

i'm starting day #2 of training... i can't believe this is really happening!
i still need your heavenly help, support, and love, my angel.
i dreamed about you all night last night. it was wonderful, yet horrible at the same time. i woke up thinking i would call you. i cried, knowing i couldn't... realizing that the time we spent together was just that - a dream. you were so alive, so real, so you. i know the dream probably last only seconds or minutes, but it felt like days inside. the hard part is knowing that's the only way i can really be with you right now. i don't want you to think i'm not doing well, because i'm holding my own in this new place. and i know you've sent several people to me to walk this journey called life. but it still hurts, some days much worse than others. i guess this will be 'one of those days'...

luv~
j

August 1, 2006

well baby, as you know i'm all moved in and now have my classroom all set up, too! you know my frustrations so far, so i don't have to go into all of them. it feels good to be living out this dream, but it's harder than i ever imagined. i am absolutely terrified of this year. i know i will get the swing of it, but i've been going crazy the last few days. the kids come mid-august, so you better rest up because i'm sure i'll really need you then. i'm so proud of britt, baby. i can't believe all the work she has done to ensure that you are remembered. she is nothing short of amazing. she has accomplished what NO ONE else could... me included. it's incredible. i love you my angel. your time has come. i couldn't be happier that it's finally happening. but as always i do miss you and wish i could talk to you in person about everything that's going on. thank you for the people in my life who are helping me so much right now. i knew you'd send them to watch over me since you are not here. sometimes i swear i see you flyin around up there. maybe i'm crazy. crazy 'bout you! ;P

luv~
j

July 27, 2006

wow! so i got my response...and so much more...i just hope things do not stop here. cole, please let my stubborn self along with the help of your brothers at the pd do this....gosh....my hopes have never been so high....i miss my sis, cole...i do not get to talk to her as much as i would like and i really hate this. take care of her down there. she's alone in so many ways, some of which i will never truthfully understand. school will be starting shortly for the both of us, and as you can tell we both need your help....haha...i miss you cole....love ya. goodness, going to try to get some sleep just wanted to drop a few words by you....watch over her. love her more than ever. tuck her into bed every night...do not forget that warm, gentle kiss upon her head. night, cocoanut.

j's lil sis

July 26, 2006

I love you and you are forever in my heart and soul. I wish we could see each other, I wish I could hold you. I miss you with every beat of my heart.

July 25, 2006

i am supposed to start moving in the morning, so i won't be around much and may not have the internet for a while. sooooooo.... i just wanted to say that i love you and ask you to please help me out as much as you can. also, i think you may be welcoming up another man soon... you know who i'm talking about. please just help him find his wings and remind him to visit those who are left down here. and please help me to help out and be strong. you are forever my angel.

eye luv u.
j

July 19, 2006

Hey baby, I am here. I saw the rainbow. Thankyou. I love you.

July 16, 2006

Sometimes I look at your picture and it seems so very long ago that I last saw you. I wonder if all this is real. Then I worry that there is so much that I have forgotten. I wonder if it is just me or if it happens to all of us that go through this type of trauma of loosing someone so loved, so much our lives. If our mind just starts to forget things loose those precious memories in an effort to keep sane. Without a doubt my life has never been the same and the whole or part of me has just disappeared. This is a journey that I wish another human being never had to travel. But it seems that everyday another group of people start this same journey, this same path. Pray for us all our hearts and souls hurt there is so much pain.

July 11, 2006

I miss you sweet baby. I need you. I love you. Please spread your angel wings over me and protect me. I want out so bad.

July 11, 2006

a kiss on the cheek.
an "i love you" followed by a "goodnight".
the closing of a door.
the fear of not knowing what was to come.
her smile to let him know she cared for him above all.
her laugh expressed all the good memories they shared together.
his hug held her close showing her he was going to protect her for all time.
his look in his eye to inspire her to be the best person should could possibly.
a love envied by many.
the feeling they were never going to lose each other still remains in this place.
her pain present that makes her grow into a stronger person each and every day.
his blue angel wings protect us all more than ever...

why must this be? a question never answered. cole, i hate having to be so grown up and having to deal with all of this. no, i would not change the lil squirt i have turned into...i just sometimes wish i would not have as many scars. this is not a bruise...it's a scar...always there to remind me and all around what's happened in my past. it hurts. the worst part about all of this is seeing my sister's beautiful smile disappear. that's what hurts me. she's got a...weird smile now...like a mask...maybe i'm the only one who sees it, but oh well....she's gorgeous. everything, and well i must admit, probably more than you would have expected. she's moving on with life...day by day...i guess.

i'm not getting a response from the pd like expected, but i can guarantee you i'm not going to back down. if i have to put a stinking pole in the ground and put that flag on it, then i will....whatever i have to do...i hate reading how other towns have stuff for you yet your home doesn't. it's not right in the least bit...i mean do they not realize anyone of them on that dreadful night could have taken that call....it could have been their life destroyed???? i just want respect. honor. everything you got when you were here. just because you are not here physically does not mean they can stop...i want out of this place so bad. the memories are horrible....facing them more and more every day. i miss opening the door for you. yelling to jessi: cole is here!!!hurry.... then her: well, let him in, dork! oh what i would do to open the door one more time for you. i remember the one time making fun of her. i remember you sitting on the sofa beside her turning around looking at me. i was standing in the kitchen making faces behind her back. she got really mad that you and i were ganging up on her.....jeeze.....i want that back...protect her, cole...watch her. help her. be there.

see you in a while....britt

j's lil sis

July 8, 2006

Hey sweet baby another bad day. I really hate any type of holiday you would think that they might ease up a little but you just tense up and just feel sick when they arrive. Cole, Danny is very sick. I know you know this please be with him during this time. He has married and has two little girls I believe now. It seems when things are going good for someone something has to always hit them in the gut. Please pray for Danny or speak to the angels or something and please be with him.

I probably already told you but you also have a leaf on the tree of life at the national C.O.P.S. headquarters in Camden Mo.

It reads

Leaf placed by Debra Martin Robinson in loving memory of her son J. Cole Martin, who served with the Chatsworth Police Department in Chatsworth, Ga. End of Watch 4/25/2003.

It was a stormy night on April 24, 2003, when Officer Martin was asked to patrol a venue of mini-warehouses that had recently been targeted by burglars. Officer Martin was scheduled to be off his shift at 1:00 a.m. on Friday the 25th. He went ahead on the patrol and as he was leaving an unsecured metal gate blew against his cruiser and pierced through, killing this gentle giant of 6'5" who truly lived the words "Honor in Valor".

He left behind his mother, Debra, and his father, Tony E. Martin, who continue to be amazed by their son's unselfishness and true bravery.

I got a copy of this on March 16 of this year. I have a copy of it in your room with your medals and other stuff. You are truly my gentle giant and I miss you with every fiber and every beat of my heart Cole. I cannot wait until the day that we are truly together again. That will truly be heaven.

July 7, 2006

Hello Sweet Baby!

Happy 4th of July. I wanted to come and write to you all day yesterday but the tears kept sneaking out all day and I knew I would be a complete basket case if I let go. You were so close yesterday and then again so very far away and unreachable. I don't know what it is about a holiday but they are always harder. Everyday is hard but they always manifest about 100 times worse because you are not here. I miss talking to you so much. I miss seeing you and just wrapping my arms around you and kissing you on the cheek and telling you how much I love you. It makes your fingertips hurt from the longing to touch you again.

Another officer is down. He died from an automobile injury sustained over a year ago. I cannot imagine how that family has been devasted watching someone so vibrant be hurt so badly. Death is such a horrible thing in any event but for our officers to me it seems so much worse so much more horrible. Please Cole be with those officers as they cross over and pray for those familys left behind. We all hurt so much. I love you sweet baby boy with all my heart.

Cole I know people steel from your grave. They steel from other officers as well and other people. I know from their Moms it happens. I do not know why but it does. It will never stop me from bring you things or fixing your grave never. I do not care what others do and it can never hurt you and I refuse to let it hurt me. There has been so much taken I do not even take notice of it anymore. Maybe someone just wants a little part of you I have know idea they have to live with that not us. I love you baby boy always and forever. Cole one other thing. You have a memorial in Washington DC, and in Atlanta where you and your Dad went for training and of course your gravesite. Matt's Mom has also but you a beautiful tree in your honor and memory at their park. I do not know why there is not one in our hometown. I tried and others have tried and we get no response or there is no room for anything else. I feel like someday there will be but if there is not that is ok too. I know you do not need it and I know you know how very much you were loved by us all and your brothers in blue at the PD. Some people hurt differently and it may be that a memorial there would hurt others or they would be forced to be face to face with your death everyday like we are and it would be too difficult, too painful. But regardless your name will never fade from the Law Enforcement Memorial in Washington DC. They will keep it there for all time, long after I am gone and it will be honored and revered every year by thousands and I am very humbled by that fact. I love you my Angel in blue always and forever, always.

July 5, 2006

happy 4th, coley woley! ;)
yes, i know you're rolling your eyes since i called you that, but you'll get over it! ;) haha! time has really been flying by. i remember you telling me that it passes faster the older you get. and i also remember thinkin you didn't know what on earth you were talkin about! ;P but as usual, you were right. i thought this day would never come, but i'm now 22 and less than 3 weeks away from moving, starting a new life, and being a real teacher. it's going to be hard, but i know you'll help me thru it like you always do. a month from today, i'll be going thru new teacher training and orientation and then less than 2 weeks after that, i'll get my own class full of kiddos! this whole summer/transition thing has been really tough for me. but i know i'm taking a step in the right direction. i'm so glad that you can see everything that's going on in my life right now. there are certain situations where i really need your help to be strong and to just pour out my love and compassion. it's hard to take that role. i don't feel strong at all. i don't feel able to bring any light to this situation, because my pain is also so very real. i've thought a lot about saying goodbye and how i never really got to tell you that. i've thought about what i would have done... had i known i was going to lose you so soon. i guess that's why i'm trying to live my life that way now. because i realize that you truly never know what or when someone you love may be taken away. i've come to understand that every day could seriously be the last and every time you say goodbye, it could be for forever. i get so emotional having to tell people goodbye. i guess it's me being paranoid but i get so afraid that it'll be the last time we ever see each other or talk. kinda like it was for you and me. getting out of your car... last time i ever saw you... turnin back to wave. and that night... the dreadful night.... "go back to sleepytown baby, i'll see you in the morning"... "i love you" about 12 times... then "good night".... and that was it. i have to stop writing because i could really let myself get carried away. i have my good days and my bad days.... yes, even over 3 years down the road. i've learned a lot, and i wouldn't change the person i am today. but i sure wish you were here. and i sure wish i could tell you i love you one more time.

as for another issue that i wonder if other families have to face (yes, i do consider us family, even though we never got to officially 'tie the knot', what matters is the love and commitment).... people keep stealing stuff off of your grave. i hope they realize that they aren't hurting me.... they are DISRESPECTING YOU. that is the part that angers me. your grave is a tribute and a memorial to you... in fact, the only one in our town! i do not understand why people feel the need to take things that are left out of love and honor for YOU. if taking things makes these people feel better, i'm so glad. because there is NOTHING that can make me, your parents, your nan, or my family feel better after all of this. we are still lost, still loving, still desperately seeking to understand, and still lonely.... without you. that will NEVER change.

sorry to ramble on so much babes, but i haven't had internet consistently so i wanted to get everything out that was on my chest. hope you can see some fireworks from heaven, baby.

eye luv u.

~j

July 4, 2006

Jesse-

You have been on my mind recently. I know that as the time goes by it seems more lonely. Most of the time I wonder how we do it? All I know is that the love you shared with one another helps. Nonetheless, it often seems like they will walk through the door as though they have been on some long journey.

Well, I hope that you are doing okay. We will have to get together soon and catch up!

Take care,

Paula Land
Widow of Sgt. David Land EOW 3/26/03

July 3, 2006

Hey Baby another young Ga police officer has fallen. He was only 33. He left a mother and father and a wife. I cannot stand the hurt I know they feel. I want to leave words but they hurt so much you just do not know what to say. Help me find the words. I love you so much. Why do officers have to continue to die. I hate it.

July 2, 2006

so hard without you. it's not right.

eye luv u.

~j

July 2, 2006

the tears continuously flowed from her eyes,
the sky seemed to shine so much brighter that day,
the pain she felt was surreal and overwhelmed her,
the friendships she built because of that day have pulled her through,
.....i'll finish another day...it's just too hard


i love you and miss you, cole. my sis does too.

j's lil sis

June 29, 2006

hey angel,
isn't britt so eloquent? she brings me to tears everytime she writes. maybe it's because she always puts into words what i can never manage to say. or maybe it's because through her pain, she eases mine. or maybe it's just because i know the love that is there... from her to you, between you and me, and between us sisters. maybe it's all those things wrapped up sweetly in a message that i hope transcends earth and gets delivered to you in heaven. maybe we just miss you....

so my friend abby is in ireland for the summer and she asked if i'd heard the new garth brooks song. i hadn't, so i looked up the lyrics. what i found was a song that is the essence of the last 3 years without you. i have those moments when i feel you so strongly and when i still expect to see you pull up in the driveway or to call me or to.... hear your voice, see your smile or anything... anything at all. so here it is baby. i hope you can hear the music in heaven.

Garth Brooks' "For a minute there":

We were walking 'long the ocean
Together hand in hand
When I stopped to write "I love you" in the sand
And when I looked up you were standing
Ten miles out at sea
And in a sweat
I woke up from that crazy dream
As I reached to hold you in the morning light
It was just your pillow
I clug to so tight

(Chorus)
For a minute therer
I thought it was you
for a minute there
My pryers had finally come true
For a minute there
I began again to live
What i wouldn't give
For just a minute there

Five o'clock on Friday
Sitting at a light
When this angel walked right by me
On my right
And the cars all started honking
As my feet hit ground
And though i chased and called
You never turned around
Oh the walk, the hair, the perfume
Were the same
How i wished she would have answered
To your name

(Repeat Chorus)
Tonight the stars in heaven
Are bright as they can be
And i Swear one of them
is winking down at me

(Repeat Chorus)
What i wouldn't give
How I'd love to live
For just a minute there


EYE LUV U
~J

June 28, 2006

you are my sister's blue angel, cole. kiss her ever-so-gently on her soft forehead so she will gain inspiration to get up and be the wonderful young woman she has turned into. at night, kiss her tender lips and whisper in her ear that she has made you so stinking proud. this will let her know she always did better than what was expected out of her. during the day when she is dealing with bratty children at school, hold her hand to let her know she's not alone and can still stand tall through any mess....after all, she did have to go through losing you....you big stud, you...haha...anyway....wink at her to let her know you are still there and think she is gorgeous...just let her know you love her, cole....i know she loves you.

i wish i could get away from this place. i went to the station the other day to see about getting a flag. when i was looking around inside i realized there is nothing up for you in the lobby. it made me freak out. i sat at the park just crying...it hurt me so badly. it's like you have no honor here, cole, and i can't stand it. of course i'm having some obstacles block me which isn't making this much easier fcr me to deal with...you know what i'm talking about...jess seems to be the only one that supports me....deep down that hurts me....the least the station can do is put a photo phrame and a stinking "in memory/honor of..." sign...is it truthfully that hard?????? i went for college orientation today....surprisingly enough i'm not scared or excited...i'm just ready...so ready.....


ready for change yet fearing the future,
j's lil ball of sunshine...

j's lil sis

June 27, 2006

i miss you. you see what i'm having to deal with right now. please help me to help and be the person i need to be in this situation. i feel lost.

luv,
j

June 25, 2006

thanks for the 'slow down' today! so oh my gosh, like i told maggie, i am so excited that you got to watch all the movin in today! :) do you totally love my new classroom?!?!? it feels so incredible and i'm absolutely pumped beyond words right now. like... it's all mine! i've finally done it baby!! i hope you are proud, because that's what i'm shootin for! you should also be proud of britt... she's turning into an amazing young woman.... i love you so much and i'm just thrilled that you get to see everything unfolding 24/7. i know you are always with me my blue angel! i hope you liked my message with the rocks! :)

eye luv u
~j

June 23, 2006

Hey Cole,
I have been thinking about you a lot today. Thank you for the dragonfly it was beautiful. I miss you......sweet baby. I was on 75 yesterday and saw a Kentucky license plate with the blue shield with the red rose through the middle. I am not sure how to get one but I want to get one for me and Nan. I told her about it she really wants one too. It's at or near 100 degrees today and was yesterday too. Do you still remember what it's like? I wish I could talk to you. There is a COPS picnic at a park in Tennessee in July. Matt's mom put a tree for you in the park. We are going to try to be there. His mom really misses him too. It's hard Cole for Mom's. It is really indescribable. But you know what is in our hearts. I love you sweet baby always and forever.

June 23, 2006

coconut...i miss you. i don't even know why exactly i bother to type the words because they are no comparison to the pain i feel inside...tomorrow i'm going to try to stop by the police department and see about getting a blue line flag up...i just need to do this for me. i'm sure you really don't care that much about a flag but i feel it's the least i can do. i gripe at the carelessness yet i have not even tried to make a small difference. i'm so scared to walk in there. i fear their answer. sometimes i go to new places and as im walking around i see small, simple monuments in memory of a lost one. i know that one little piece of stone placed in front of a blooming tree is a small symbol of SO many lost memories and dreams. i just want something for you here at home. twenty years from now i want to see a little girl running through the park. as she passes by the shortest tree there something shiny catches her eye. she can't read so she asks her daddy to come tell her what it says. he reads, "this tree does not represent what was lost, but what is still here and growing more and more different every day. we miss you, cole. love, your family, by blood and by pure love" the little girl smiles and wonders what the family is like now as her and her father walk away into the hot, summer sun. i want that.......just that simple thing! i want people to smile and think about what its like to loose something so close leaving you with nothing to do, even if the pain they try to understand is nothing like what we've endured. i just want a tear. a smile. anything....just to know people still remember you and respect you as if you were standing right before their very eyes...take care of my sis....she's hurting and i can't stand it!

j's lil sis

June 23, 2006

Cole I know that I have not made any reflections in a very long time and it is not because I haven't been thinking of you. There is not a single day, hour, minute or second that you are not on my mind. It has been really hard with you gone. I have such sweet memories of you and the fun times that we had together. I sat with you on your birthday and it felt like you were there with me. I made a request to you and to God on that day.I know you had to have ask God to help me because my prayers were answered right there with you and I thank you with all my heart Cole. I will keep true to my promise. I love you Baby Cole forever and ever.

June 20, 2006