Family, Friends & Fellow Officers Remember...

it's mind-boggling to think that on the 25th will be exactly 3 1/2 years since you left. it's amazing how time seems to fly by, yet stand still... how some things never change, but seem a worlds of difference. to think of what could have and should have been but never will be is difficult. to see the changes around me and inside me is encouraging but depressing all at the same time. to know i must walk through the rest of my life without you seems an impossible task and one of the biggest challenges. at a time when life should be settling down, it's all up in the air and nothing is stable. some may think i don't still remember, but i do. others know all too well the pain that has stayed with me. i may sound foolish but i never thought i would make it to this point. but in some ways, i never thought i'd still feel this way at this point. i know it's all confusing. nothing about love is easy or understandable. nothing about death and loss is either. all i know is my love remains the same for you. and i wish i could share it with you.

October 1, 2006

Cole so many of us hurt because you are gone and I wish I could make that hurt go away but the only way to do that would be for you to be here with us again. I had an email from one of your friends the other day and they said that they use to be sad when they would think about the memories that they had with you, because it hurt so badly that you were gone, but now when they remember all the things that ya'll did they smile because no one can ever replace such good times and they were honored to have had those times with you. You touched so many peoples lives Cole and brought so much happiness to all of us. I am so proud to have had you in my life. I treasure all the memories I have of us doing things together and us laughing together. How I wish I could just sit and laugh with you one more time. I had made a promise to you and I am doing my best to keep it. One way or another I will keep the promise. I miss you so so much and I love you with all my heart forever and ever. Look over all of us that love you Cole and give us strength to get thru all these long days ahead.

September 23, 2006

i really miss you. God how i wish things were different. it's time to start making some changes. why did this ever have to happen? why? and is there ever pure happiness ever again on this earth? probably not. it is living and breathing and continuing. but the normal now is just constantly putting one foot in front of the other and taking one moment, one step, one day at a time. i want you back so that my real life, not this made-up one, can be lived.

September 23, 2006

cole, so times change along with people...it's been hard, well, when isn't it hard anymore? growing up and 'moving on' is...difficult and i hate it...its scary to realize that soon i will be out of this town...away from it all; part of me is so ready for it, but yet something is holding me back...

britt
j's lil sis

September 22, 2006

Today I pray for your family. A blue light burns in my kitchen window 24/7 in memory of those you have gone before and in hopes the living officers will make it home safely to their families.

Kay Wood,
Mother of Deputy Marshal Glen DeVanie, EOW 4/2/03
Alexandria, Louisiana

Kay Wood

September 21, 2006

Hello sweet baby. It has been a hard week with the 5 year anniv. of 9/11. I remember it so well, I think that was when you where bound and determined to go into law enforcement and their was no talking you out of it. I wonder if people remember you wanted to be an air marshall. I was talking the other day and a friend remembered your dream. I was so touched so honored someone remembered. I love you so much and not a moment goes by without you in my thoughts. I miss you Cole, I wish we could talk for real and not just in my mind. What I would not give to be able to see you, touch you, hear your voice. I am shutting my eyes and I see you as you were in one of my last memories. I am putting my arms around you and kissing you on the check and telling you I love you, and you tell me you love me................I love you with all that I am.

September 15, 2006

i miss you. i hope you are proud of all that i'm accomplishing. it hasn't been easy by any stretch of the imagination, but i am determined to live this life according to God's plan. even though i don't understand it, i know this is all in His will and somehow, maybe in some small way, i can touch a life the way you touched so many. i love you dearly, and not a day goes by that i don't wish we were together again.

September 11, 2006

cole martin, my man, you are so cool....in every way....i need help cole; i do not know what i want to do with my life next year....there are two major things pulling my leg, and either way it will affect my future so much...i need help....my sis and i are kinda talking more.no, we aren't mad at each other, we just both lead busy lives....cole, i miss you. i miss him.......i really do....not who he was at the end but who he was before we changed....changes...they are good but i hate them and have the hardest time dealing with them...golly bum...i'm so lost, cocoanut

britt
j's lil sis

September 8, 2006

I love you and miss you Cole. I hate this world without you.

September 5, 2006

another holiday without you... i miss you. life is so different. i wish i could get your advice, but then again, if i could then you'd still be here and i wouldn't be in these situations anyway. a vicious cycle that isn't fair. almost 3 1/2 years later and i still don't understand.

September 4, 2006

i dont' know why it hurts so badly today. i just need to hear your voice. if only i could...

August 29, 2006

I was driving down the road today thinking of you. I was trying to remember what most stands out for me about you. One thing that always comes to my mind foremost is your smile. Your smile always seemed to come so naturally from deep within your soul. It was never fake. That is the first thing that enters my mind always about you when I bring your image back in my mind and I am trying to see you again. I was trying to think of how I would descibe you. I kept coming back to what a sensitive, sweet nature you always had. You were truly and are a very special soul. One of those people you may not meet but once or cross your life but once in a lifetime. It was so short our time together. I took our time together for granted. I wish I had our time back, I wish I could look at you again. I wish I could but my arms around you and hold you again and kiss you on the cheek and tell you how very much I love you and how my heart and soul aches for you every single moment of everyday. How proud I am of you Cole. How very proud my sweet, sweet baby boy. I love you until my last breath and then beyond to the next life. I always remember, I never, ever forget. I miss you so.

August 28, 2006

time seems to be flying by, faster than ever now...i remember that one thing you always told my sis...so much is going on, cole...everything!!! are you excited about the station??? I am...i think about it everyday, and it makes me smile. all for you, my friend. i miss my sister, cocoanut....A LOT. it's so weird, us both leading separate lifestyles and hardly talking anymore...in a way i hate growing up. i'd give anything to have her back here at the house, playing barbies with me...so much fun, so little time. she's a beauty though, isn't she??? wonder if any of her little students have the hots for her...but only one held her heart. i miss you....

britt
j's lil sis

August 28, 2006

i heard this song a couple weeks ago, not knowing how true it really is until i listened closer. it is all of us who are living... left to carry on.... who are still aching inside.... still loving you just as much if not more than the day you were called to Heaven... still searching and wondering about the reason 'why'...

Diamond Rio's "God Only Cries"

On an icy road one night
A young man loses his life
They marked the shoulder with a cross
An' his family gathers round
On a piece of Hallowed ground
Their hearts are heavy with their loss
As the tears fall from their eyes
There's one who'll always sympathise.

God only cries for the living
'Cause it's the living that are left to carry on
An' all the angels up in Heaven
They're not grieving because they're gone
There's a smile on their faces
'Cause they're in a better place than, mmm, baby, than, oh
God only cries for the living
'Cause it's the living that are so far from home.

It still makes me sad
When I think of my Grand-dad
I miss him each and every day
But I know the time will come
When my own gradnson
Wonders why I went away
Maybe we're not meant to understand
Till we meet up in the Promised Land.

God only cries for the living
'Cause it's the living that are left to carry on
And all the angels up in Heaven
They're not grieving because they're gone
There's a smile on their faces
'Cause they're in a better place than, oh, baby, than oh
God only cries for the living
'Cause it's the living that are so far from home
Yeah, we're so far from home, Mmmm, Mmmm

August 26, 2006

I miss you so much Cole. The days continue to pass and each and every day seems so long and horrid without you to talk to and be with. I have never missed someone so much in my life as I have missed you. I dreamed the other night that I was being taken to you and that once I got to be with you again that everything would be ok again. I wait for that day to come so badly. Tomorrow will be another one of those awful days for me. I wish you were here to go to the Outback with me like you always did to cheer me up. I miss you so very much. I have a very hard time expressing myself to the ones that I love and they have a difficult time understanding me. I wish you were here because you always understood where I was coming from and always gave me good advice. I am so lost without you now. I really can not understand what the reason is that I am here and you are gone. I can only keep thinking that God had a good reason for taking you and hope that I will see you soon. I love you Cole and please give my mother a hug and kiss for me.

August 24, 2006

Cole,
I have went to work with another department now,
but my heart will always be in Chatworth, with Josh and the boys at the PD. I will never forget that night when you went to be with the Lord. It was one of the hardest shifts I believe I have ever worked even till this day.I am still with Murray 911 part time, I heard about the park and I have seen the decals on the cars, I am so glad your name will be over the park, it is a beautiful little place in Chatsworth, Keep an eye on Josh and the boys. and tho I have never meet Jess, I can tell she is still so in love with you. You can really tell how much she misses you. Her family came by at Christmas time last year and left colored lights to put up in dispatch, I wish I could have met them, You can tell how wonderful a person was by the testimony they leave behind... You have a great testimony Cole, I can tell by the love and respect poured out on your pages,and I am honored to have known you, even for a brief time.

Missy Bingiel
Gordon County EMA/E911

August 21, 2006

I dreamed of you last night. You were just like you were alive a hugh smile on your face you hair seemed to be a little longer. I wonder if this is a memory I have of you. You seemed to be saying see, I told you I would come see you, I told you I was happy. All I could do was just cry and cry because I knew it was just for a moment even in the dream. I knew that the dream would not last, I kept trying to shut my eyes in my dream and open them as many times as I could just to make you stay. Crazy I know but it was my dream. You were so full of life so happy, so you.

I talked to a friend as I told you I would. She has such fond memories of you. She said that you sold her your laptop and she keeps remembering what you told her mom. That the laptop would have a life time warrenty because you would work on it for as long as you lived. She said that it makes her sad that your life did not out last the stupid computer. Ifs funny of the things we think of once you are gone. I miss you so much. A moment never passes without you in my heart and soul no matter where I am or what I am doing.

I heard something else day before yesterday. It was about your toys and a room. Well you know why the tears, you know how I feel. We love you so much, I think, no I know you knew it. I hope you feel it now. Our sweet, sweet baby. I miss you so and life is endless, I just go through the days waiting to see you again. That is the only thing that gets me through another horrid day without you. I love you.

August 16, 2006

I love you and you are in my thoughts and my heart and soul. God I miss you. Lord please watch after Cole. My heart is heavy. I miss you so much.

August 14, 2006

I just got the news on the things Brit has done. I am so thrilled that it is FINALLY being done. I guess its better late than never. GOOD JOB BRIT! You are very much missed and loved. You will live on in all of our hearts! Take care of your Angel and her sister. They miss you SOOO much. Look in on The JLC boys from time to time. Everyone knows they need guardian angels. <3DS

August 10, 2006

I am so undescribably happy at what my sister has accomplished for you. It wasn't just her, but all the citizens and business and peace officers who have joined forces with her, to finally pay you the respect you deserve. You should have heard her when she called me while I was at school. I knew it was either really good or really bad news. And it turns out, it was the best news I've heard in over 3 years. She was crying, but not out of sadness, just out of sheer emotion that she finally got something done for you in OUR TOWN. The honor and respect you have so long deserved will finally be given to you. In some ways, I can't believe she did it. But in others, I know you are not one bit surprised. She is amazing, and I am just so humbled that they are going to honor you finally. Your name will be officially memorialized in that town for long after we are all gone. Your sacrifice, your determination, and the service you gave to the town will never, ever go unrecognized because anyone who goes near the PD will know about you. It is breathtaking, unbelievable, a dream come true, and a worthy tribute to you, my blue angel. I have renewed faith that everything has its own time. I'm sorry that it took over 3 long years to get you what you deserved, but apparently where there is a will, there's a way. And Britt definitely got her way for YOU! Please watch over HER, baby. I know she thinks I am the one needing extra help and love and support, but it is her that needs it right now. I can handle myself just fine. Please be with her and Terry and anyone else involved in this process and just help them to keep in mind that the ultimate goal for this project is to honor a fallen hero in our very own community... the only one... how I wish it didn't have to be you. Cole, you met a new man at Heaven's gates this weekend...someone who I've come to know the last few months. I hope you've shown him around. Please remind him to visit his family often, in their dreams and in faint whispers of the wind when they know he is still with them... it is hard for me to deal with, but I can be strong. We are never prepared for death, it is so final, so time-stopping, so 'the end'... I hope you give me the guidance I need to help out where I can.

EYE LUV U

Jessibabe

August 8, 2006

She did it Cole! That little girl did it, Brittany. She stood before the city council with 200 + signatures and asked them to name the city park after you. She told them that she noticed there are not other acknowledgements and told them you did so much for Chatsworth. She told them you were "Superman" in her eyes. My eyes too sweet baby. I am trying to write to you but cannot for the tears. They are good tears it all hurts so much and I guess that I don't know but they are going to name the Police Department after you. They are also going to put a monument up as well. They also had a pictuce of decals that go on all the police cars that say "In Memory of Cole Martin Chatsworth Police #4". Cole I am so glad for you, so very glad. Terry said that he not only lost a good police officer but the only nephew he will ever have, the accident weighs on his mind everyday and that you gave your life protecting the community and you should be remembered. I am so glad Cole, so glad. It brings a certain peace to me, I cannot explain it but I am so very happy for you my baby. Another man said that the whole community lost a good man. "he was a superb young man." That you were sweet baby, that you were. I dreamed of you last night. It was a hard dream. I am glad of this news today. Misty Watson wrote an article about you in the Dalton paper. I am going to email her and thank her. To Brittany, from the bottom of my heart, and I know Cole's Dad, and Nan thank you for not forgetting our baby. We love him so and I know the hurt Jesse has is indescribable, ours is unbearable. It is nothing you can compare you just try to live another moment without him. Thank you Brittany, and Chatsworth for remembering our Cole. Thank you.

You are my superman and there will never be another.

August 8, 2006

wow....so it has happened....wow....i have done this! i have changed this stubborn, crazy city...along with the help of so many businesses who signed the petition....the police department and all those employed in government servies....we did it. thanks to the chief and sergeant....cole, we did it...are you proud of me? i sure hope so because i'm glowing right about now....absolutely glowing....all for you...for your rememberence...out of honor and respect...it's going here in your hometown...it's been to long but maybe it just needed time and a youngster to make the change....i love you, cole....watch over my sis....she's dealing with some hard things right now. don't forget that kiss on her forehead every night......lay her down to sleep.protect her. hold her hand and heart as tight as you have been and please don't lose that...please.

brittany
j's lil sis

August 7, 2006

Hey sweet baby. My heart breaks. Rest easy. My thoughts have been with you all this week and the tears continue to come. I saw a friend of yours the other day. I tried not to cry but the tears refused not to come. There were so many of your characteristics and mannerisms. It was startling to see a little bit of you again and very painful. I love you so much and I ache for the life that you could have had. That we all could of had. More officers down this week. It is heart breaking. Two more young men gone forever giving their lives for others. Walking a heros path. God be with all those they love and call friend. I love you sweet man with all my heart forever and always.

August 5, 2006

NO ONE will ever feel the pain that i, your fiancee, the love of your life, your best friend, feel in my heart. all grief is similar, yet different, and it is not a competition as to who feels more pain and agony each day. it is unique to the relationship. i cannot possibly understand what it is like to have lost a child because i never had the chance to have children with you. and obviously while no memorial can ever capture the love that i have for you, or anyone else for that matter, it would be nice to see that you are remembered as a hero in the community. i am not sure that i will write on here anymore baby, for many reasons. you see through to my heart and i can talk to you any time of the day or night regardless of where i might be. eye luv u more than any words could express. and the pain that i STILL feel is very much real and alive and is not any less than the day you left. living my life without you is a daily challenge...sometimes minute to minute. i have had to completely rebuild not only my future, but also my present life. i wasn't supposed to be here in this place...without you. but i have had no choice. i am proud that you CHOSE me to love unconditionally and to be your wife. and i am disappointed in the way some have acted since your death. i know that you are, too. that being said, i will see you in my dreams and talk to you in my thoughts.

ALWAYS AND FOREVER
JESSI

August 2, 2006

you want to know something that hurts? probably even worse than not seeing anything for you when you walk into the police dept....going into the sherriff's office and some of them not even knowing who you were till i told them....where in the crap is the respect in this place? why are you not remembered? i do not care if i meet a new officer whether at the police dept. or the sherriff's dept. i expect them to know who you are. who you died for. you are NOT being remembered around here as much as you deserve.......why? why? why? is there a reason? please let me know if there is...maybe i'm just blinded by my emotions.....i'm shocked to say the least...why? i can't stop thinking about it...

we are going on monday to talk to some more brilliant people at city hall...wish me luck. i saw that the police cars have your stickers i brought. that's stinking awesome. i seriously had happy tears....never knew what those were till then.....the simplest things, cole, mean the world to me....wish us luck: me and your police brothers....this better work.........

i love you. i love my sister. it's hard waking up every morning having to face reality. maybe it's because i was so young when it happened but it seems like this year has really been horrible for me. the memories eat my insides. i sometimes wish i could fall asleep and live inside my dreams forever. where there is no pain and nothing to hurt me. or my sis......hold her cole. she needs you....gosh what i would do to just see you hug her so tightly one more time...........the love that was lost within a few minutes is so hard to deal with.....i know it's still there....but i just wish...i dunno....wish you were simply here again....

j's lil sis

August 2, 2006