Family, Friends & Fellow Officers Remember...

Well Cole it seems if I didn't have bad luck I wouldn't have any luck at all. I bought a new car Friday then turned around and broke my ankle on Sunday. I felt so alone this morning, I wanted to talk to you so bad and I wanted my Momma so I could just cry but I guess I will just have to suck it up and go on cause there isn't anything else to do. There is suppose to be a reason for everything but I am still having a hard time understanding any of this. Four years seems to have been an eternity to me and I know that it will never get any better.

I miss you cousin!
Lynn

March 27, 2007

hey baby,

so in exactly one month it will be exactly 4 years. it's so hard to imagine. so hard to wrap your mind around that much time elapsing since i felt your touch and smelled you comin! ;P you are always with me, baby, and i know that. but somehow even though in some ways you learn to deal with the emotions, it hurts worse each day knowing you're not coming back. it still hurts to know that the world goes on and continues even though you feel as if you are dying inside. and it hurts to watch others' dreams come true while ours never even got to begin. i still love you coley woley and always will. it amazes me that some things never change tho. it breaks my heart to know that people are still taking things from your grave. maybe that's their intent - to hurt me. that's fine, because you know all of our hearts and minds and you see what goes on and how people treat one another even though you're so far away from us. please help me to make the right decisions about where to go with my life since a change is coming once again. sleep well my heavenly hero.

eye luv u.

March 25, 2007

Cole,
I never got to meet you but Jessi has been a rock to me. My husband was also killed on April 25th so we've learn to lean on each other. I just wanted you to know that I thank you for her and I know you would be so proud of her and how she helps me even when she's having a hard time herself. We love & miss you guys.
Love,
Laura Gibson-Szerokman,Surviving Spouse of
Ofc. Allen W. Gibson, Jr. EOW 04/25/98

Laura

March 21, 2007

Today has not been a very good day today Cole. It started out with reviews at work this morning and seemed to keep going down hill from there. I have been nervous all week because tomorrow I have planned to go to a concert and we know what has happened the last three times I had plans for one in the past. I have had the tickets for 7 months now and each and every day I have thought about just tearing them up and throwing them away. When I was driving home from your Nan's tonight it was pouring down rain and all I could think about was you and how much I miss you and wished that you were here with us instead of heaven. I know that is so selfish but I just couldn't help it.

I read your Mothers passage below and it breaks my heart that she and all the other mothers who have lost a son or daughter will not be able to have their child with them on such a special day as Mothers Day. I know that you will be there with your mother standing over her ever so tall and proud. My one wish and prayer would be that you could give your mother the biggest hug and kiss on that day. Hold her close Cole and tell her how much all of us love her.

You are in my heart forever and beyond Cole. I love you.

Lynn

March 15, 2007

We fixed you flowers for spring for you and Daddy. I thought they were very pretty. I ordered you a new light as yours was broken they should have it soon. We are planning on going to National Police Week again. In ways I dread the going. May 13 is the candlelight vigil. I love holding a candle for my baby and the others but for it to be on mothers day is almost unbearable. It is coming up on 4 years and your birthday will be June 4 did you know you will be 25 years old. Such a long time from April 25, 2003 and you being 20 years old. I dream of who and what you would be today. We had just a glimpse of the person you were growing into. I know you would be something special, because you were so very special for the time you were here. Your family loves you and never ever forgets you. We may be scattered in all directions but we love with all our hearts. I never forget and I always have my love for you. My sweet, sweet angel.

March 13, 2007

hey babe,
for some reason i decided to watch extreme home makeover tonight even tho i never, ever do. it was about a family who'd lost their young son. i know you weren't my son, but you definitely were (and still are) my love. they played this song during the show and i just had to come look it up and post it on your page, because it's perfect. just remember that you are my hero. eye luv u.

"Heaven was needing a hero" by Jo Dee Messina

I came by today to see you
I had to let you know
If I knew the last time that I held you was the last time
I'd have held you and never let go

It's kept me awake nights, wondering
Lie in the dark, just asking why
I've always been told
You won't be called home
Until it's your time

I guess heaven was needing a hero
Somebody just like you
Brave enough to stand up
For what you believe
And follow it through
When I try to make it make sense in my mind
The only conclusion I come to
Is heaven was needing a hero
Like you

I remember the last time I saw you
You held your head up proud
I laughed inside
When I saw how you were standing out in the crowd
You're such a part of who I am
Now that part will just be void
No matter how much I need you now
Heaven needed you more

Cause heaven was needing a hero
Somebody just like you
Brave enough to stand up
For what you believe
And follow it through
When I try to make it make sense in my mind
The only conclusion I come to
Is heaven was needing a hero
Like you

Heaven was needing a hero
and that's you

March 11, 2007

I love you and miss you Baby Cole. I dreamed about you all last night. When I woke this morning for some reason I felt at peace and had hope again. I haven't given up Cole nor will I ever. Thank you for the dream my sweet baby cousin. I know you are watching over all of us. I love you so much.

Love,
Lynn

March 3, 2007

I am looking at you today, listening to some of your music and continue to wonder if you will remember me. I love you so very much, you were the person of my life. There are others in life but you were my person. To love and cherish and understand and be there through lifes ups and downs. All robbed from us. Pain just pain, unforgiving pain. Un imaginable pain that stays 24/7 day in day out year in year out. Please do not forget. Always and forever.

February 28, 2007

Happy Valentines Sweet baby! I miss you just as much or more today than yesterday.

February 15, 2007

happy valentine's day my love

February 14, 2007

Our Lord's special blessings on you Cole, and on your loved ones.

February 9, 2007

well babe,
it has been a long while. even tho i don't write as often as i once did, that doesn't mean you are far from my thoughts. a lot has happened since i wrote. some good, some bad. some i'm not sure what to make of! it's already february.. can you believe it's flown by so quickly. i feel like just yesterday i was thinking about it being another new year's without you. i can't believe that i've made it this far... only 72 days of school left for me with the kids, and then my 1st year will be over with. i'll be moving. i turned in my letter this week saying i'm heading back to rome. it's just where i feel like i need to be. i've always wanted to be there. of course, you know that already, don't you? i'm also starting my master's... guess i'm working towards that doctorate like you said after all! :) i'll start the end of this month. it should take me between a year and a half and 2 years to finish. hopefully i'll be done by the time i start my 3rd year of teaching. i can't believe i'm starting so quickly, but if there's one thing i've learned it's to go after what you believe in and what you want because you never know how long you have. i've also learned that you can keep yourself really busy, but it doesn't stop you from missing someone so terribly much that it hurts your brain and your heart even more than you ever thought it could. i'm excited about getting another degree, but i'm scared too. i'll still keep teaching at the same time, but what if i can't do it? you know i want to eventually get into administration... especially after this year. i want to be a good leader and help other teachers not deal with what all i've dealt with... or at least help them thru their rough spots. it's weird to say that after only being at this for what... 6 months or something. at one point, i thought i would NEVER go into admin! i guess there is a bit of a leader in me! ;)

anyhow, other than that, i'm going to start looking for houses... it's funny... sometimes i think of what you might like... but i guess it doesn't really matter b/c you won't be living there with me. this is supposed to be about what will make me happy. i'd be happier than i could imagine if i could just have you back here with me. i'd live in a cardboard box or in a hot pink double-wide if i could just be your wife! you get my point. i will do it though - become a homeowner and decorate (not in all black like you said you wanted!!). and this time, i'll get to do it all (instead of just my bathroom like you told me!). either way, it won't be the same without you, but this will be all mine. it's a day i never thought i'd see. somehow i've made it down here, all by my lonesome. i need to be closer to the fam, tho. i miss them so much. i know they drive me crazy, and i do the same to them. they wonder why i am the way that i am or why i make the decisions i do. but all in all, they're my family. and i couldn't live without them. so i need to be closer. can you believe britt is almost ready to graduate high school? i remember us getting together for good right as i was graduating! it seems like ages ago! decades! centuries! the last time i was home, me and mom went to subway. the 1st thing i thought of was meeting you and josh there one time. and the time you were supposed to bring me a cookie from there while i was over at the park. what ever happened to that cookie, mr.martin?!?!? ;) just kidding, baby, i think they had run out.

well anyway my precious angel... i had to write to you. it's just been one of those days. i know i've rambled. trust me there's much more on my mind that i just won't say. i don't understand what i ever did to deserve this happening. i know i will keep on living, because that is just what you do. i heard someone say the other day on tv that grief is not something meant to be overcome. ha! how true is that?!? but if you don't overcome it, then what do you do? because i think about it all, and yes i'm glad i've gained friends and helped people and changed lives (including my own) and accomplished goals and graduated college and moved away and gotten independent and all that jazz.... but i'm not glad that i had to do it all without you. and i'm not glad that i've now lived much, much longer than you. and i'm glad that i still have what seems like an eternity to go before i see you again. AND, i'm not glad that i'm alone. always. alone. my heart will always be at least partially alone and empty and broken and incomplete. always.

February 2, 2007

It has been some time since I have been here to write Cole, I have so much in my heart and on my mind to say but I know that I could type all day and never get all of it out. I miss you so much, words can not ever express that feeling enough. Today is my Momma's birthday and I miss her. Heath and I have been sitting here this morning talking about my Momma and you and his son Landon, today is also Landon's birthday. Heath said he remembers you talking about how you couldn't wait for Landon to grow up so that you could take him under your wing. He is 4 today. It is so hard to believe that he was 3 months old when you were taken away from all of us. Your Mother gave Heath one of your medals and Heath said that he will treasure it for all of his life and that one day it will belong to his son. I still have that video of you and Johnson on my computer here at work. I have a tendency to listen to it over and over and over again just so that I can hear your voice. I know people think I am nuts sometimes well actually most of the time, but I really don't care. You know Cole I can't remember if the last time I spoke to you on the phone that I told you I love you or the last time I spoke to my Momma if I told her. Sometimes I go a little overboard, well actually alot of the time I go overboard, but I love my family more than anything in this world and nothing will ever change that for me. I love you Cole and I miss you. Please give Momma a big hug and kiss from me and tell her Happy Birthday for me.

Love,
Lynn

January 26, 2007

Cole:

I read Mr. Gordon's reflection and I thank him from the bottom of my heart. It is funny he captures what has been on my heart. It is always there you are almost 25 can you beleive that. You died at 20. The picture on your grave was 2 years old at the time you died now it is 6 years old. We have no idea what you would look like we can only imagine. This is like some type of terminal illness only it never has an ending date. You have know idea when it will go away because you do not know when you will die. Sounds crazy I know. But there is someone out there that will understand. I miss you so much, it is such an understatement. I love you Cole, and I want to see you and be with you and touch you and talk to you. I cannot imagine 4 years and then another it is like prison or purgatory. I miss you my son.

January 25, 2007

Soon it will be 4 years since your end of watch. I know there are people out there that will say how it doesn't feel that long ago, but then there are those that are close to you who know the true loss and to them if feels like a lifetime since they heard your voice, saw your smile and felt your warm touch. They have thought of you every hour of every day since they lost you and will continue to do so, you will never be forgotten. Continue to keep watch over those that love you and those still out on patrol. You are a true hero.

Bob Gordon
Father of Fallen Officer: Michael P. Gordon, EOW: 8/8/04

January 23, 2007

Cole today is special. I love you, I miss us.

January 12, 2007

i miss you cole...everything....the smile...your manly voice {elvis...haha}....the joy you brought to so many people...the safety you secured in our city....the love you shared.....my birthday is in like...mmm...three days....i hate getting older, cole...every day gets harder and harder...jonathan didn't mean to but he spilled milk...and it got on your frame...i was like....AHHHHHH...you look okay though...don't fear, big man....i miss you cole...its not fair....i remember right after your death everyone kept telling me how something good comes out of everything...how it's all god's plan or somthing...well wanna know something? i would rather have not learned these life lessons if it meant keeping you in my sis's arms...every day she talks to me...and every day i just want to break out in tears...i just don't understand...your thing should be coming in soon...are you excited? i think i should get my pic with it and the chief.....haha...seeing as I worked MY BUTT off to get it...yeah...heck yeah....so, cole, please help everyone down here....because we sure all need it....thank you, cocoanut...mucho lovo, dudo...and thanks for my boi...i'm pretty positive you sent him...ya had to...

britt
j's lil sis

January 7, 2007

To the Ohio Trooper:

This picture was taken at Cole's graduation from Mandate. He was standing by his Dad, a Georgia State Trooper and his Nan my mom. Cole in the middle his Dad and Nan on each side. I was taking the picture and he was in a hurry and did not have time for pictures that day telling me that we would get more later. I beleive his Nan is to his right and his Dad is to his left. It was the only picture we had of him in his uniform that we thought was appropriate. He is probably tell me his mom to hurry up. Jesse was there as well he may have been looking at one of them. I am not sure. But that was how the picture was taken. He is surrounded by all those who love him with every fiber of their being.

To Lorraine Bond. I have thought of you and your son every day this season and you have been in my prayers. I want to leave a message but I don't know what to say. I love you and I know your incredible loss. I wish I could make it better but I know that is impossible. I think of you and Julie Jacks family everyday. I mourn for your heartaches.

Thank you for the beautiful mesages. I love them and they mean so much to me.

Cole I sit here and my heart hurts so deeply I do not understand how I can go on. I live in a make beleive life that is no longer mine. Nothing is real or has substance without you. Saying I miss you is not enough, it just does not get what I feel for you. I like the passage left below. God forgives us for our slips just as long as we continue to climb the mountain. I love you every moment of every breath.

January 1, 2007

i'm hijacking my friend's computer so i can tell you happy new year! i love you baby... can't believe we're about to start another new year without you. maybe you guys will have a big celebration up there for the day... or maybe time isn't the same for you. maybe you have no clue that it'll be 2007... almost the 4th year since you left. maybe time stands still for you and you wonder why it's so hard for us down here. maybe someday i'll understand why you had to leave so soon. or maybe i never will.

eye luv u.

December 31, 2006

Happy New Year Baby Cole, I love you forever.

Lynn

December 31, 2006

Cole I hope you had a wonderful Christmas in Heaven. I know you were deeply missed here. Keep watch over all who love you and say hello to my Scott for me.

Jessi - Thinking about you. I know how hard things can be, you are still in my thoughts and prayers. Big Hugs,

Monica
Fiancee Scott Stewart EOW 8/11/02 Detroit

December 27, 2006

Merry Christmas Cole, I Love You!
Merry Christmas Sister, I Love You!

Lynn

December 25, 2006

Merry Christmas from Heaven

I still hear the songs
I still see the lights
I still feel your love
On cold wintery nights

I still share your hopes
and all of your cares
i’ll even remind you
to please say your prayers

I just want to tell you
you still make me proud
you stand head and shoulders
above all the crowd

Keep trying each moment
To stay in His grace
I came here before you
To help set your place

You don’t have to be
perfect all of the time
He forgives you the slip
if you continue the climb

To my family and friends
please be thankful today
i’m still close beside you
in a new special way

I love you all dearly
Now don’t shed a tear
Cause I’m spending my
Christmas with Jesus this year.

Copyright 1990
John Wm. Mooney Jr.

December 25, 2006

Cole, I read your reflections often and I cry the entire time. The hurt and the struggles that your family and friends are going through just proves that you are a wonderful man. How blessed they are to have been a part of your life.

I wonder what you are looking at in the picture that is posted on this site. I would love to know what you were thinking at that very moment.

The reason that I stopped here tonight is because I just wanted to tell you Merry Christmas. Then I read a few reflections and cryed for a minute and felt like I wanted to stop and say hi to you. God speed sir.

Heather
Ohio State Highway Patrol

December 25, 2006

i just wanted to tell you merry christmas while i am connected to the internet. it isn't the same telling you on some website. even though i like writing on here it just doesn't compare to having you in person obviously. christmas won't be the same this year... it hasn't been in 3 years. i remember back to our last christmas together... the necklace you gave me. i was so shocked! i remember talking to your mom about it and her telling me it stood for the past, present, and future. well we certainly had a lot of past - the ups and downs, first kiss, break ups and stupid fights. the present was fabulous back then - making plans and surviving my first year of college and your first year as a cop. and the future.... well it didn't last too long. you told me we'd only lived a quarter of our lives just days before you were killed. at that moment, i felt as if we did have a wide open future stretching out before us where we could accomplish anything together. but on april 25th, that whole future changed. it became bleak and dismal, one that i didn't really think i could survive. it became cold and unforgiving, full of grief and questions and pain and heartache and intense longing.... to be reunited with you. now some of that future has become the past and is the present in which we are living. it's an amazing turn of events. it never gets easier. i was telling someone the other day. i don't think that it has gotten a stitch easier... we just know how to deal with it and the pain and agony has become our everday reality, the norm. the sadness has overwhelmed us and is just a part of each day on this earth without you. that is not to say that there will be no happiness or that i've just become content with this life and feeling this way. don't think that's the case, because it's not. i just want you to know that life without you still hurts and still makes me long for the past and the future we'll never have. this would be our first christmas together, as a married couple, but instead it's the first one completely on my own being miss independent teacher. i love you and always will no matter how many years pass or what the future may bring.

eye luv u.

December 24, 2006