Family, Friends & Fellow Officers Remember...

a new song has come out... can't help but think of you everytime it comes on. i still don't understand why you had to leave. i don't think i ever will. hard to believe in just 13 days it will be exactly 5 1/2 years. that's more time than we actually had together. it's just not fair. but then, as they say, life isn't fair. sometimes i wish i would have pushed you to get married while i was still in college. but then, i guess that wouldn't have been any easier on me, now would it? it still hurts. even tho people may think i've forgotten, or moved on, or rarely think about it. it's still on my mind every day. i went walking at berry the other day. saw a guy who looked just like you. i couldn't take it. i sent my mom a message to make sure i wasn't dreaming. of course it wasn't you. but it hurt so badly. he was driving an old red accord. he had that jet black hair perfectly parted (because if anyone touched it, you'd make the biggest ordeal)... he was leaned over to one side, resting your chin on your fist. the images blurred and for an instant i thought you had come back. strange how your mind plays tricks with you. it's horrible actually. i wonder if you would've been this way if it had been me. sometimes i feel like i've really lost my mind. anyway, i hope you're ok up there. of course you are... you're better off than any of us down here. just know that i miss you. and please be sure to visit your mom and dad when you can. i know it's a million times harder for them. maybe these lyrics from carrie underwood's song can bring comfort to someone else. they usually make me cry, but i think it's because it's unbelievable that someone can capture your thoughts in a song.
ELUAAF,
~j


It was two weeks after the day she turned 18
all dressed in white, going to the church that night
She had his box of letters in the passenger seat,
six pence in her shoe
something borrowed something new
and when the church doors opened up wide she put her veil down trying to hide the tears oh
she just couldn’t believe it
she heard the trumpets from the military band and the flowers fell out of her hands

Baby, why'd you leave me, why'd you have to go
I was counting on forever, now I'll never know
I cant even breathe
It's like I'm, looking from a distance, standing in the background
Everybody's saying, he's not coming home now,
This can't be happening to me
This is just a dream

The preacher man said let us bow our heads and pray
lord please lift his soul and heal this hurt
then the congregation all stood up and sang the saddest song that she ever heard
then they handed her a folded up flag and
she held on to all she had left of him oh and what could’ve been
and then guns rang one last shot and it felt like a bullet in her heart

Baby, why'd you leave me, why'd you have to go
I was counting on forever, now I'll never know
I can't even breathe
It's like I'm, looking from a distance, standing in the background
Everybody's saying, he's not coming home now,
This can't be happening to me
This is just a dream

Baby, why'd you leave me, why'd you have to go
I was counting on forever, now I'll never know
Ohh i'll never know
It's like I'm, looking from a distance, standing in the background
Everybody's saying, he's not coming home now,
This can't be happening to me
This is just a dream

Anonymous

October 12, 2008

Hello My Baby i was so sad in church yesterday. I felt that all that most of those I love had already completed their life's journey. I wanted to be with you all so much. I hurt so much to be without you all. It seems one more of us is about to be with you all again. It is hard to see everyone go. I remember so many of the good times we all had it is so sad to have people leave. I am glad that you have many of us there to be with you. I asked her to give you a big hug for me and tell you how much I love you and miss you. I am afraid I am not making much sense. I am not sure if it is age or emotions or a combination of all of it. I will look for the rainbow. It has been awhile since I saw one:) I love you.

Anonymous

October 6, 2008

To Cole's Mom,
You are always in my heart and prayers though we have never met, nor probably ever will. Cole will never leave you, he is with you every second of the day, watching over you, loving you in the same way. The mother son bond is for eternity, as I told you once before.Death will never severe that bond. I shall ask that Cole send you a rainbow to remind you you he is always near.

Anonymous

September 24, 2008

Hello my Angel: We had to change your picture out on your grave. The one that was there became damaged by water. I had the actual picture of you changed as well. Your new picture is the one of you here in your uniform. It was the last picture that I know of you and you are standing with your Dad, Nan and Jess and I are with you as well. You were so proud in the picture to be a police officer as I am of you today. I love you my Angel with all that I am. I miss you so much it hurts. I wish we could talk and hug. I do not think I would ever let go of you again. All my love my Angel watch over us all.

Anonymous

September 14, 2008

May you be ever Blessed and may Jessie and your mom always feel your love surrounding them.

Anonymous

September 10, 2008

I love you...I miss you...you are always in my thoughts and my heart.

Anonymous

September 2, 2008

i miss you. 3 simple words. too simplistic to explain the range of thoughts and feelings i encounter daily.

~j

Anonymous

August 29, 2008

Hello Angel: I visited your name and others at the memorial this week. We had the honor of watching a group of young people about your age graduate in the class of 08/10 in Quantico as Special Agents. Ask all the angels to watch over them and keep them safe. I love you forever and always.

Anonymous

August 24, 2008

I was in Washington last week and went to the National Law Enforcement Memorial and left a rose in memory of Cole.
It was so quiet and peaceful there.
Thinking of Cole and his family today.
Lorraine Bond

Anonymous

August 4, 2008

i love you, always....i miss you..

Anonymous

July 28, 2008

i left you a message this weekend on your bench. it was so weird when i walked up... there was a little rabbit who kept hopping around. maybe it was you letting me know you were there. it's hard to visit you there... somehow it makes all the horrible memories come flooding back. i still can't believe you're gone. in many ways, i think i'm numb. i know "life goes on" but it's never the same. i hope that you are enjoying Heaven.

love,
j

Anonymous

July 21, 2008

I have missed you something terrible these past weeks.

I love you Baby Cole!!

Anonymous

July 16, 2008

Hey Angel:

The 4th has come and gone again. You are always on my mind and in my heart. I love you and miss you. Sometimes it seems as though you are right here just out of my reach and sometimes it seems you are a million miles away. I love you my Angel with all my heart and soul.

Anonymous

July 11, 2008

Cole, give your mom and Jessie a hug today, they need it so much.Send them a rainbow.

June 26, 2008

I put a candle on the wall by your name in DC during Police Week and touched your name and said a prayer for you and those left here that miss you so terribly much. You are never forgotten.

Linda Rittenhouse, Matt's Mom
Matthew Rittenhouse EOW 9/16/2004

June 5, 2008

Happy Birthday my Angel in Blue. Today is your 26th birthday. I cannot believe it. I miss you with all of my soul. I cannot imagine what might have been. The pain is difficult today. I love you with all my heart.

June 4, 2008

Happy Birthday Cole, I love you with all my heart.

Lynn

June 3, 2008

The flags were half mass for you and all the other fallen officers today Cole and they mentioned you on the radio all morning. I was happy to hear them recognize you but I was also sad at the same time. People are all the time asking me what my tattoos stand for and I am proud to tell them they are in honor of my cousin. I love you Cole forever and always. oh, thank you for that hug last week I know you helped with that and it really meant alot to me.

May 15, 2008

the ride was awesome today... the number of bikes just keeps growing! it was such an honor to be down there to be able to talk about you and let people know who you were. some nice young man volunteered to fly your flag on his bike. i thought he was going to cry when he told me he would. it's always so incredible, so breathtaking and body-numbing when you see all those blue lights at one time. it makes me feel so privileged to be a part of that community and to know that all those men come together to support one another and remember the lives of the men who have gone before them. i couldn't help but cry. i think anybody would be touched by such a sight. it was so packed with motorcycles that we (and i was almost at the front of the line) rode all around the Capitol and through downtown and by the time that we circled back past Turner Field, they STILL had not released all the motorcycles out yet! WOW! it made me speechless (hard for you to imagine, i know!). anyway, i met some very nice people, and while i think i really shared happy memories, i think it was so comforting just to be around people who UNDERSTAND. the position i'm in is hard, you know. technically, i am no longer your fiancee because we will never be married. so what does that make me? it's tough to figure out my place... and YOUR place in my life. obviously there will always be A place for you. i wonder if i'll ever be able to go to these things without getting emotional. who knows. 5 years isn't long enough to erase the tears. so with that being said, thanks for blowing away the storm clouds, and know that you were remembered, honored, and represented at the Georgia Police Memorial Ride 2008.

~j

April 26, 2008

Send Jessi your love today...she really needs it. We both do. The dreaded April 25th. For me it's been ten years, for Jessi, five. It's just hard no matter how long it's been. Just know you're missed and we love you and still think about you guys every single day and your sacrifice will never be forgotten.

Laura Gibson-Szerokman, Surviving Spouse
of Ofc. Allen Gibson, Jr. EOW: 04/25/98

Laura

April 25, 2008

5 years. it's hard to believe. i guess everybody assumed i would be ok or that if they just didn't mention it, it'd be easier. not the case at all. you were on my mind all day, moreso than usual, and i struggled to stay focus on what i had to be doing. it's so hard to believe that it's been this long. i can remember some things so vividly and other memories have faded unfortunately. it scares me that one day i won't remember anything, but i hope and pray that never happens. i don't know what upsets me the most. maybe it's the fact that people i thought i could count on just aren't there anymore. or maybe it's that this journey of grief is never truly 100% over. then again, what about the fact of a future that only exists anymore in my past dreams. i guess it's the realization that after 5 years i still feel almost stuck. sure life has gone on, and i'm accomplishing things. but i feel like i force away so many of the feelings because i just can't stand to deal with them anymore. it's so hard because i am constantly wondering (which i know i can't and shouldn't do) if i will lose someone else that i love. i feel like i'm this marked woman who has a huge scar. i guess in some ways i am. i don't try to hide you or the past, but it hurts so much to bring it up and i don't know what to do with it anymore. at any rate, i'm going to the police ride tomorrow. i thought i'd be better off helping other people at a time like this. maybe i'll see some of your friends. maybe i can offer some comfort to new survivors. or maybe it'll just be refreshing for me to remember you in a healthy way. i know it's been 5 years but sometimes the pain is as fresh as if we just said goodbye to you hours ago. ~j

April 25, 2008

Hello My Angel:

You have been in my thoughts constantly as always. I have been dreading today for months. I am not sure why. Maybe it is simply the 5 year mark. Maybe in some terrible way it means forever, I am not sure. I was asked today if it was better now. I told them no it is not better. The pain, the horror and the complete loneliness of you not being in my life is awful. I miss you so much Cole, you are and will always be the number 1 love in my life nothing ever will change that. In ways the 5 years seem like such a long time ago. Then if I try very hard I can see you again and feel your arms around me and hear you talking to me as we did in those last weeks and moments together. I am so blessed to have you for my son and I will go to my grave being so humbled by the experience of being your Mom. I love you baby boy with every fiber of my being and soul. We will be together again, of this I am sure. I love you and I never, ever forget. Always and 4ever.

April 25, 2008

Cole today has been such an awful day. I miss you and Momma so terribly much. I miss my whole family, it is so lonely here without you Cole. It will be 5 years almost and there has not been one single second, minute,hour or day that I don't think about you and about how happy you made our whole family. I use to dream about you and Momma all the time but I don't get them anymore. One of my best friends from high school past away 4 weeks ago and I had a dream about her last week and she was telling me how happy she was that she was with my mother and that she met you. I had not seen her in several years and didn't have any idea that she was even sick and I was so heartbroken that I didn't get the chance to see her before she passed away. It was as if she came to me in my dream to say good-bye. She had a photo album in her hand and I kept asking to see it but she never would let me look at it. She kept saying it wasn't time for me to see it yet and then I woke up. I keep thinking maybe it was pictures of you and Momma and Uncle JC showing how happy you guys are in Heaven. You know those type pictures that they showed in the Harry Potter movies where they were actually live pictures of his love ones and they could actually move in the pictures and smile and wave at you. I know I am being silly now. It has been almost 2 years since I have spoken to your mother and I miss her too. Remember Cole how me, you and your Mom use to go to the movies, I would make up some story to Tim so I didn't have to go with him and you would tell your friends that you wanted to go to the movies with your Mother and your "Aunt". I use to hate when you would tell them I was your Aunt because it made me feel so much older for some reason but now I would give anything to hear you say that one more time. I so enjoyed spending time with you and her. Do you think when we all get to Heaven it will be like that again? I sure hope so. I pulled out a tape I made of your greeting off your cell phone and listened to your voice over and over again tonight and it was so good to hear you. I also found a video that I had taped of your Mom at your old house and she was laughing and cutting up, I'm not sure where you were I think maybe you were upstairs when I was taping. Remember when I got that camcorder for X-mas and Tim got mad because I was more excited about the Cabbage Patch Angel doll that your Mom got me than his gift. Hee Hee, I was always too mean to him wasn't I? Well I have rambled on long enough I guess. My love remains strong as ever for you Cole, for all of my family. Give my Momma a big ole bear hug for me and I know that you are keeping an eye on your Mother down here so will you whisper in her ear and tell Sister I love her too. Good Nite Baby Cole, I Love You.

Lynn

April 5, 2008

Hello my Angel:

Happy Easter....The day was sunny and bright but cool. You have and are in my thoughts as always. I know you have plenty of loved ones with you all the best of us. I love you my angel with all my heart. I think of you as I walk among our animals. You would love them all even if they made you sneeze. I miss you Cole and love you with every fiber of my being. You are always with me always. May we walk side by side again soon my baby boy. Tell Poppa and all I love them too. Bye my baby

March 23, 2008

May you and your loved ones be ever blessed. May they feel The Lord's comfort and may the warmth of your smile cheer them when life seems too hard to bear.

March 20, 2008