Family, Friends & Fellow Officers Remember...

Mom, I see you shedding so many tears,
With pain in your eyes that seem to grow with the years.
Dad, you certainly have changed after my death,
I know there’s so much grief with each and every breath.

My sisters, you struggle to live out each day,
I watch from above and hear what you say.
Each niece remembers, honors me with her love,
I will always protect and be your angel above.

My friends, thank you for helping them out,
Who knew that’s what our friendship would be all about.
I know that you too have so much pain to bare,
Your tears I can see and I know how you care.

My family I miss you, I never said goodbye,
I want you to be happy, please say you’ll at least try.
From above I watch as you continue to suffer,
I am so sorry my death has made your life tougher.

I have gone and although it will be rough,
My family and friends you have been through enough.
You make me so proud in what you have done
To see that I am not forgotten with each rising sun.

Mom and Dad, your loss was the hardest I ‘m sure,
To bury your child is something no one should endure.
Sisters, it is time to think of me and smile,
Enjoy your life, you know it’s been awhile.

Jordan, Haley, and Shelby, oh how much I have missed,
When you feel the wind on your cheek, consider yourself kissed.
My friends you have touched me with your love for my family,
In return I will protect yours for all eternity.

Now is the time to say those words left unsaid
Goodbye to you, my family and friends.
I know that your sad although you’ve tried,
For when I was taken away a part of you died.



Scotty,
We talk about you everyday, Jordan, Haley and Shelby were robbed of a great uncle. Jordan misses her buddy, I am so happy that we spent that year here before you died, so that we were able to spend the time with you that we did. Watch your three girls and keep them safe. You have another pal up there with you. I am sure Cal likes the company, but he is still the head honcho!!!

We all miss you,
Andrea

February 10, 2005

In My Mind
by Jenn Farrell

Somewhere in my dreams tonight
I'll see you standing there
You look at me with a smile
"Life isn't always fair"

You say you were chosen for his garden
His preciously hand picked bouquet
"God really needed me,
That's why I couldn't stay"

It's said to be that angels
Are sent from above
I've always had my angel
My brother - whose heart was filled with love

Wherever the ocean meets the sky
There will be memories of you and I
When I look up at that sky so blue
All I see are visions of you

"While there's a heart in me, you'll be a part of me."

February 10, 2005

No one is ever born into Life alone. Everyone has shared the bond of family, at least at birth, and for many people it is a bond that will follow them throughout life. For many people it is the most important bond of all.

February 10, 2005

Rest easy, another in Michigan has joined you as a Blue Angel.

February 10, 2005

Monica,
Thank you for your posting on Josh's page. I have found great comfort knowing that all of us SURVIVORS are here for one another. I know that you miss Scott and love him dearly. I think about you, Jessi, and Kir daily. I have contacted COPS & they told me that they would forward letters to you all from me so that we could have each other's contact information. This is such a blessing! I know that Josh, Scott, Cole, & Nick would be so happy that we are supporting each other as we continue life without them. Take care. I will contact you soon by letter.

God bless,
Kel

Kelly Gillain
Josh's Girl

February 9, 2005

Unanswered questions at times has questioned my faith,
Pieces to the puzzle i never could fit into place,
But, a voice deep within says"Child trust me and be of good cheer,"
"Heaven waits to explain it,"
"And to make it all clear."

Heaven holds all the answers we'll never know 'til we're there,
All of the reasons for our trials, our burdens, and cares.
In the presence of Jesus we'll know and understand well,
Heaven holds all the secrets that time will never tell.

Doors that won't open, storms, and painful Good-Byes,
Fill my mind with confusion, my mouth with the words,
"Dear Lord, WHY?"
Then He whispers "My Child, hold my hand and keep following me!"
"Someday Heaven will focus the picture<
That now you can't see!"

I STILL MISS YOU!

February 9, 2005

To the family of PO Stewart

The Price of Love

Grief never ends, But it changes. It’s a passage, Not a place to stay.

The sense of loss Must give way, If we’re to value The life that was lived.

Grief is not a sign of weakness, Nor a lack of faith, It is the price of love.

I always think of you

February 8, 2005

to scotts family,
my heart is with you all. unfortunatly i undersatnd how you feel. these things are unexplainable. i hope you have found some peace knowing he is not alone. my nick is up there with him now. i will keep you all in my heart everyday.
monica,
thank you for your reflection on nicks page. we all have to be strong. you can always contact me to talk anytime. i would love to hear from you. i hope you have all the support you need! thank you again. you are in my heart.

kirsten winterer
girlfriend of p.o.nick sloan

February 8, 2005

As kids, we lived together, We fought, we laughed, we cried. We did not always show the love, that we both had inside.

We shared our dreams and plans, and some secrets too. All the memories we share, Is what bonds me now to you.

We grew to find we have a love, that is very strong today. It’s a love shared by our family, that will never fade away.

You are my brother not by choice, but by the nature of our birth. I could not have chosen a better one, you are the best on earth.

February 7, 2005

Family & Loved Ones of Scott Stewart: My sincere condolences for your loss of P.O. Scott.

Monica,
Although I cannot take the pain away of losing Scott, know that you are thought about and prayed for. Losing my Josh (5/2/04) is the most difficult and painful storm of my life. But, in the midst of all the pain, I am so thankful for this site--it has given me and so many others, the opportunity to grieve for our loves together. You are not alone, Monica. I read some beautiful memories that you posted about Scott. Hold tight to your memories and take comfort in knowing Scott loved you. I hope to hear from you. Take care.

God bless,
Kelly

Kelly Gillain
Special Someone to Deputy Sheriff Joshua Blyler E.O.W. 5/2/04

February 6, 2005

Hi again, Monica! Thanks for your message! Obviously (since I stole your poem!!) I check up on Scott's page, too! There are a couple other girls that I have been talking to about getting a group of us together somehow. I would be more than glad to talk to you. Perhaps we can exchange e-mails and communicate that way. I hope you have a wonderful day. I will be praying for you and all the other girls like us.

Jessi Garger
Fiancee of Cole Martin E.O.W. 4/25/03

February 6, 2005

Sonnets from the Portuguese

XLIII

How do I love thee ? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of everyday's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints,--I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life !--and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

Happy Anniversary! :=)

I wish you could be here in person enjoying a nice intimate evening with me and your bag of dove dark chocolate. :)

I know you will be with me today even if I cannot see you.

I found your journal for 2001. The only entry you made in the whole journal was about today. Our first date. It meant sooo much to me to find and read what you wrote.

I love you,
I miss you,


Monica

February 1, 2005

Go from me. Yet I feel that I shall stand
Henceforward in thy shadow. Nevermore
Alone upon the threshold of my door
Of individual life, I shall command
The uses of my soul, nor lift my hand
Serenely in the sunshine as before,
Without the sense of that which I forbore --
Thy touch upon the palm. The widest land
Doom takes to part us, leaves thy heart in mine
With pulses that beat double. What I do
And what I dream include thee, as the wine
Must taste of its own grapes. And when I sue
God for myself, He hears that name of thine,
And sees within my eyes the tears of two.


Scott,

Thank you for the dream. I went home from work Monday morning crying like a baby. Certain things still hurt me even though I know I they shouldn't. Plus, I just plain miss you. I fell asleep crying. I asked you to help me, and you did. Wow! What a release. I just screamed and screamed everything I wanted to say. I woke up feeling as though I actually did it, and felt 100% better. Thank you.

The other day I was surfing the ODMP when another officer noticed the board. She didn't know there was website like this. She asked if Fettig had a page, I showed her, and then I let her take over my computer for a few hours to browse. Afterwords I asked her what she thought and she said the postings were beautiful. She said she looked up all the Detroit officers who died in the past few years. She mentioned you and said it must be hard for me. All I could say was - You have no idea.

Hard. No idea how hard everyday is for me. How I look in the mirror and sometimes feel wrong and sick because I'm still here. How I look around me and sometimes feel as though everything is wrong. I have my current home life because you are dead. How wrong is that!!!!

Then the guilt. Guilt for having feelings of love and loving my current home life. Some days I think it would have been easier for me if I did just wrap myself in a mourning shroud and stayed to myself. But, then I watch her playing with Curtis, and realize why God didn't let me.

Then I feel guilty. God, a never ending circle. I feel no matter which way I turn I'm cheating on someone.

I know I'm not, but I can't help feel this way. I know the vow is till death do we part. Physically we parted, but emotionally and mentally you left such an imprint on my heart and mind that I feel as though I'm doing wrong.

Then the flip side. I'm only 29. The only things I ever truly wanted out of life are to be a good woman, create a good home, and be a good mother. And live comfortably. I don't need to be rich, wear expensive clothes, or drive an Escalade. I just want to be comfortable and not have to struggle for life's necessities. I don't think that's too much to ask or want.

I feel guilty because when I look over it's not you I'm seeing. Then I feel guilty for having that feeling. I love all the people in my life. The guilt comes because my love for you still dominates my heart and because of it I'm being wrong to them.

No matter what I do I'm being wrong to someone.

Hard. Oh God yes, hard.

Honey, life without you is so hard for me, but in no way do I think my agony is worse than your family's.

I think about your parents everyday. I cannot imagine what they are going through, but I have an idea. I pray everyday I don't have to experience losing my child. No parent should have to bury their child. No parent should have to look at their child in the state you were in that night. No parent should have to close the casket because their child did not look like himself. No parent should have to sit in a court room listening to the violent way their child died.

I think about them all the time. I send out nothing but good thoughts, and wishes/prayers for them. It's good to read that they are doing good and are dealing as best as they can with your death. And, if my removal from their life has helped them, then I'm very glad to have finally done something right by them.

I never meant to cause your parents any pain, and if I did I am sorry. I never had any intentions of harming them in any manner by anything I said or did.

I owe your parents soooo much. Everyday I send out a thank you to them. They have given me so much. I can never repay them. They gave me you. They molded you into the man you are. I can never repay that, nor can I repay the assistance they gave me after your death.

I wish things could be different, but I fully understand why they are not. They say things happen for a reason. I just want them to know I never meant to hurt them, I am very, very grateful for everything they did, and I hope they will forgive anything I did. Those I know about and the things I don't know about, because there seems to be a lot of things I don't know about. Hell, I didn't even know you were dealing with things before you died. I thought your life was all daisies and sunshine right before you died.

These are my feelings/thoughts. Me to you. The naked truth. I've never hid my feelings from you and I always thought you never hid from me. Wow, I guess I had a lot to get off my chest. Hopefully, this will help me deal with my guilt. I heard it was called survivor guilt. I know you want me to be happy and I'm working at it everyday.

I love you,
I miss you,
Monica

January 27, 2005

Scotty,

Jordan's team competed in a National Competition last weekend and they did awesome. I know that you were up there with your buddy. I am so proud of her and I know that you are so proud of her too. We wish that you could have been there, but we know that you were watching from above.

Mom was enlightened and I think that she now feels that everything is how it should be. You were dealing with a lot before your death and mom now is at peace with how everything turned out after your death. She still misses you everyday, but some of her nagging questions were put to rest. Thank you for giving her the peace she needs. Thank you for the pennies. You are still throwing them away!

Keep watch over your family and friends, we all miss you sooooooo much. Sending you a huge bear hug!

Love,
Andrea

January 20, 2005

There isn't a day that goes by I don't think of you, my friend.
Please continue to watch over your family and friends.

A Friend

January 20, 2005

hi monica...
we have never met, but i have just read some of your reflections to your fiancée. i hope you don't mind. i lost my fiancée a little over a year and a half ago, now. i am just awestruck at how you seem to be able to capture in words everything i have ever wanted to say but never knew how. please know that you are not alone. i hope that your mine is up there with mine and they are watching over us every single second of every single day. maybe we will never understand how or why things like this happen, but our comfort comes in knowing we will see them again one day. take care of yourself. and never EVER let anyone tell you that you shouldn't feel just as strongly as you did the day you first met.

in loving memory of P.O. Cole Martin E.O.W. 4/25/03

Jessi Garger

January 18, 2005

And if I go, while you're still here...
Know that I live on,
vibrating to a different measure
behind a thin veil you cannot see through.
You will not see me,
so you must have faith.
I wait the time when we can soar together again,
both aware of each other.
Until then, live your life to its fullest.
And when you need me,
just whisper my name in your heart,
....I will be there.

January 10, 2005

You're still remembered and still thought of a great deal. I dont suppose a day will ever go by that I dont think of you, or have some fond memory of you. Rest easy.

January 4, 2005

Thinking of you always, watch over your family and friends this upcoming year. Keep everyone safe!

January 2, 2005

Happy New Year!

January 2, 2005

He touched me, so I live to know
That such a day, permitted so,
I groped upon his breast.
It was a boundless place to me,
And silenced, as the awful sea
Puts minor streams to rest.

And now, I'm different from before,
As if I breathed a superior air,
Or brushed a royal gown;
My feet, too, that had wandered so,
My gypsy face transfigured now
To tenderer renown.

Happy New Year,

I've been on an Emily kick lately. I enjoy reading her. I didn't want to start the New Year with a melancholy tone. I miss you, more than anyone could imagine. I know that I'll never have the peace, comfort, and love again that I shared with you. Love like ours only comes once. Sure, I can love again, be happy again, but it's not the same, nor will it ever be the same.

Another year. Starting a third without you. I have a good idea about how I want to spend this year. Calmer.

I know no matter what I will have my bad days, and I will have those days that I miss you more than normal.

that will never go away. Lately, I keep picturing the face you make after taking a cold drink. Don't know why that particular expression keeps popping into my head. I don't mind it. Makes me smile.

Love you,
Monica

January 1, 2005

Happy New Year to a Blue Angel.

January 1, 2005

Hey Stewie, it's just me saying, "Hello and Happy New Year to you." You will always be in my heart. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about you. I will see you again one day and continue to watch over your family and friends.

Dana

December 31, 2004

Scotty,

Allen and I are taking a huge step and part of me believes that is why we were brought here. We only moved to Michigan because of your death and maybe this will be the good that comes out of it. Guide us in anyway that you can to make it a huge success, a lot of people are depending on us now and we want to make the next 15 years great for everyone.

We missed you at Christmas and Jordan made her wish again. She does realize that it won't come true for her, but she feels better making the wish. She misses you a lot and she still makes me cry when she talks about you.

Keep watch over Jordan, Haley and Shelby again this year. We all love and miss you.

Love you,
Andrea

December 28, 2004

Merry Christmas,

I hope you liked the tree this year. I was able to find battery powered lights. Amazing what they make now a days.

Christmas was hectic. As usual I put to much on my plate and ran around trying to complete it all.

So many changes. A lot for the better. Thank God. After a few months the decision I made was the best thing I've done in 2+ years. No wonder you sent that sign, it was time to take that path to peace.

I think about you daily.

Some people are still shocked that I can still have such deep feelings for you. Takes all I have not to slap them. I had an interesting conversation about this some time ago. Makes me wonder about how people can believe that just because someone dies you must stop having strong, loving feelings for them. Or, you must live daily in mourning, ceasing to move forward with your life, continuing to live as though they were alive.

I guess if we were able to marry and spent more years together then they would be comfortable with my feelings for you.

Whatever.

Topic of pure annoyance for me.

I love you and I'll always love you.

When I came to see you I couldn't help but look at my own spot and wonder how much longer.

I'm tired.

I couldn't help thinking about how you would ask if I'd follow you anywhere. My answer was always, anywhere you go, I go.

I wish I could follow you. I pray for it daily.

enough of this, there's nothing I can do about it, but wait.

I miss you,
I love you,
I'll see you one day,

Monica

December 28, 2004