Family, Friends & Fellow Officers Remember...

Once again, I find myself somewhat disappointed in life. Not so much disappointment regarding my life and what I have done, but with the way other people are, how they go on and unfortunately, some of the things that they have. I seem to find myself continually wanting more, wanting things that it is obvious at this point that I will never have. I wish I could just suck it up and resolve to stop wanting things that I was for sure going to have at this age. Goals and ideas are NOT the same now. Nothing feels right at times. The times that felt "right" were the ones with you present in them. I so remember the comfort and peace in my life, knowing you were always at the very least, a phone call away. I do wish for just five more minutes with you...o.k., maybe ten...o.k., maybe an hour or so. There is SO much I need to talk to you about, so many things where direction is an abysmal hallucination that takes me one way, then another. Will I ever get the hang of this life without you? I often wonder. Seeing how four years without you is looming, I opt to go with the fact that life is what it is. Finding direction is a fierce and harsh delusion, constantly dangling in front of me. But, when I reach out to grab it, it disappears, over and over and over again.

I miss you.

I love you.

September 24, 2007

"When somebody dies, a cloud turns into an angel and flies up to tell God to put another flower on a pillow. A bird sings and gives the message back to the world and sings a silent prayer that makes the rain cry. People disappear, but they never really go away. The spirits up there put the sun to bed, wake up the grass, and spin the Earth in dizzy circles. Sometimes you can see them dancing in a cloud during the daytime when they're supposed to be sleeping. They paint the rainbows and also the sunsets and make waves splash and tug at the tide. They toss shooting stars and listen to wishes. And when they sing windsongs, they whisper to us, "Don't miss me too much. The view is nice, and I'm doing just fine."

Ashley Rice

September 21, 2007

I signed on ODMP today and you were the featured officer as I arrived at the site. Wanted to stop at your page a leave a little note and hope all is well with all of your loved ones. You have not been forgotten as I know the first thing they think of when they awake every morning is you and the last thought they have at night before drifting off to sleep is about you. Continue to watch over all of your loved ones and protect them from harm.

Bob Gordon
Father of Michael P. Gordon, EOW: 8/8/04

September 17, 2007

Great presentation!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You are an amazing women!
I just wish Bryan could be here with you!!!! Your strength
is amazing too! You are going to do much for your
community and so much for the new survivors! Thank You!

September 15, 2007

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven...a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance.." Ecclesiastes 3 Juli, I pray you are dancing!!

a faithful prayer warrior

September 11, 2007

"I didn't plan to be this person, for whom loss always hovers at the edge of my awareness like next month's bills, but there you have it. I've carried the remote ache of longing with me long enough to understand it's part of who I am now...This is a part of my identity that I can never change...Our lives are shaped as much by those who leave us as they are by who stay. Loss is our legacy. Insight is our gift. Memory is our guide."
~Hope Edelman~

September 10, 2007

When I Am Gone
By Collius Norwood

When I am gone, release me, let me go.

I have so many things to do and see.

You mustn't tie yourself to me with tears.

Be happy that we've shared so many years.

I gave you my love.


You can only guess how much you gave me in happiness.

I thank you for the love you each have shown,

But now it's time I traveled on alone.

Though you can't see or touch me, I'll be near,

And if you listen with your heart you'll hear

All my love around you, soft and clear.

And then when you must come this way alone,

I'll greet you with a smile and say, "Welcome Home!"

September 9, 2007

Good Luck with your speech Juli, you are going to do great!
You will have so much to offer and you will help so many on
thier grief journey. I read about you on line and your
presentation you are going to give.

September 6, 2007

Thank you so much for the past week. Things went really well and I look forward to my upcoming presentation. I totally feel that I have so much advice and information to share with that particular audience. Thank you for family and friends, and for the opportunites that are upcoming. I love you and miss you so very much...

September 5, 2007

RIP HERO

Army MP
Germany

September 1, 2007

Verk

I was looking through the files at work today and came across one of your cases. It's hard to see your name on paper sometimes knowing that we'll never see your face, hear your laugh or listen to your dumb jokes again. I miss you. We all miss you. I thank god that I had the pleasure of knowing you. You were a good man. You were a good friend. You had such a huge heart. Miss you!

mpd employee

August 30, 2007

Things are changing, although the changes aren't really what I thought they'd be or exactly what I wanted. I've learned to deal with a lot of loss and the feeling that life has played some cruel joke on me. Time keeps moving on and unfortunately, I am getting older every year. Hopes that I once had for what my life were died with you.

I miss you and love you forever....

August 25, 2007

Juli, I just wanted to say that your amazing! Just reading
your reflections from that horrible first couple of weeks
till now, you have gone through so much of the grieving process and have healed so much!! It's evident that you have endured so much in your young life and have come through it all with your head high!!! God Bless you dear!
I don't know if you realize what a wonderful person you are!!!

August 18, 2007

I love you more with each passing day....neither death or any other notions of fiction will skew my love for you.....you and I are meant to be together forever!!

August 18, 2007

Thank you anonymous classmate for leaving a reflection for my beloved husband. I appreciate your sentiments.

August 17, 2007

I don't know what it is about this website that is such a comfort to me. It seems there is something about hitting "send" after I type that assures me my message will be delivered, instead of just talking to the air and assuming you are listening. I think this feels more like you are still here, just on a trip or living far away. I guess, in a way, you are living far away, in a much better place than we can imagine. We think of you often, remembering the good times and all the laughs. I was thinking today of you laughing about the class ring the guys were trying to restore after someone's break-up. I can't remember who's it even was, but you used the saw in shop class to get the string and finger nail polish off; except the saw was underestimated, and the ring went flying! You laughed so hard about that! We miss you, but treasure the memories we have. We continue to hope and pray that the pain will become less someday. Until we meet again....

classmate

August 10, 2007

Juli, you have grown so much since that fateful night in December 2003. You will always have Bryan with you and he will always have a part of your heart no one can ever take away! Give yourself a chance to love again, don't think you will betray your love for Bryan in anyway. You have so much love to give and so much time to live, be happy!!!! you deserve to be !!!!!!!! Good luck and god bless you.

August 10, 2007

Sometimes it's so easy to get lost in your own thoughts, tangling yourself in your swirling thoughts of what to do, what direction am I going. It seems like starting over has become a theme since you've been gone. How many times do I have to start over until I find this alleged "new normal" that everyone assured me I would find in 3-4 years after your death.

I saw the yellow monarch this afternoon and I took it as a sign that you were there with me. Please continue to help me find my way. I love you.

August 8, 2007

How beautiful those words are.........Bryan will never leave you!

August 7, 2007

Every night in my dreams I see you, I feel you, that is how
I know you go on.
Far across the distance and spaces between us you have become to show you go on.
Near, far, wherever you are I believe that the heart does go on.
Once more you open the door and your here in my heart and my heart will go on and on.
Love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime and never let go til were gone.
Love was when I loved you, one true time I hold to in my life we'll always go on.
Near, Far, wherever you are, Once more you open the door and your here in my heart and my heart will go on.
Your here, there's nothing I fear and I know that my heart will go on.
We'll stay forever this way you are safe in my heart and my heart will go on and on.

I thought of you and Bryan when I read the lyrics!

Song From the Titanic

August 6, 2007

In the midst of so much angst and confusion, a very good friend of mine sent me this to comfort me. It is sincerely and truly beautiful. This person always tries to do the right thing, and I know you are so proud of him. I love you.





Somewhere there is someone who dreams of your smile,
and finds in your presence that life is worth while,
so when you are lonley remember its true,
someone somewhere is thinking of you.

August 4, 2007

"The Badge"
He starts his shift each day
To respond to calls unknown.
He drives a marked patrol car.
A police officer he is known.
He's paid by the citizens' taxes
To make it safe on the streets.
But he usually has a second job
'Cause a waitress has his salary beat.
Now he doesn't know a holiday
'Cause he works all year round.
And when Thanksgiving and Christmas finally arrive
At his home he cannot be found.
He's cursed and assaulted often,
The one whos blood runs blue.
He seldom ever gets a thanks,
To some he's just a fool.
His friends are always other cops
'Cause people just don't understand
That underneath his badge and gun,
He's just another man.
He knows there might not be a tomorrow
In this world of drugs and crime.
And he gets so mad at the court system
'Cause the crooks don't get any time.
And each day when he leaves for work,
He prays to God above.
Please bring me home after my shift
So I can see the ones I love.
But tonight he stops a speeding car,
He's alone down this ole' highway.
It's just a little traffic infraction.
He does it everyday.
Well, he walks up to the driver's window,
And his badge is shining bright.
He asked the guy for a driver's license,
When a shot rang through the night.
Yes, the bullet hit its mark,
Striking the officer in the chest.
But the Department's budget didn't buy
Each officer a bullet-proof vest.
So he lay on the ground bleeding.
His blood wasn't blue - His blood was red.
And briefly he thought of his loved ones
'Cause in a moment the officer was dead.
In the news they told the story
Of how this officer had died.
And some who listened cared less,
But those who loved him cried.
Well, they buried him in uniform
With his badge pinned on his chest.
He even had his revolver,
He died doing his best.
Written By:
David L. Bell
Sergeant
Richland County Sheriff's Department
Columbia, South Carolina
Used with Special Permission of the Author
Copyright © 1999 - All Rights Reserved
and may not be duplicated without permission

Investigator David L Bell
Richland County Sheriff's Dept., Columbia, SC

July 31, 2007

My friend Shannon sent this to me (God Bless You :) and it is only right to post it for you since it encompasses how I feel on a daily basis. I love you.


I Carry Your Heart with Me
By E.E. Cummings

I carry your heart with me
I carry it in my heart
I am never without it
anywhere I go you go, my dear;
and whatever is done by only me is your doing,my darling
I fear no fate
for you are my fate, my sweet
I want no world
for beautiful you are my world, my true
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

Here is the deepest secret nobody knows
here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;
which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart
I carry it in my heart

July 28, 2007

This webpage with its reflections from other, and especially from you, broke me down into bitter tears. You are an amazing soul. I spoke to Bryan that one time on the phone and he was sooo very sweet and kind and wise. He didn't at all mind talking to me about my then current woes and gave me such invaluable advice. I know it was only a short interaction, but wow, it made a huge impact on me. He helped me see the light and get out of a terrible relatiobship that I was in. He was a beauty and a rarity as a man. Few are as gentle and as strong. I am soo happy that you got to know what trule love is, even if only for a short time. You WERE blessed. And I KNOW he is watching over you, lovingly, with arms outstretched...
I really do miss you terribly.
anj.

Anjanette

July 22, 2007

Juli, my dear, I miss you and don't know where to find you!!! I am soo proud of you and the way you have been able to continue on even while experiencing such a devastating loss. I lost my brother a year ago and I am still recovering, barely. Please please contact me if you read this. Our bond will always remain strong even in silence, but I would be THRILLED to hear from you!!!
with much love, anjanette. yoo-hoo pretty grey watch.... :)

Just an old friend - Anjanette

July 22, 2007